Brutally Honest Advice to Build Your Confidence

Summary

This powerful monologue offers brutally honest advice to a younger, less confident self, emphasizing the importance of taking risks and building experiences over seeking confidence without evidence. The speaker shares personal anecdotes from sales failures to podcasting perseverance, illustrating how true confidence stems from experience and evidence. By urging listeners to embrace failure, practice relentlessly, and prioritize their own path over others' opinions, the message is clear: life's worth is measured not by safe choices, but by the stories of courage, effort, and resilience we write through our actions. The ultimate lesson is to build oneself through genuine effort and learning, turning challenges into stepping stones towards self-assured success.

Takeaways

• 💪 Build confidence through evidence, not the other way around. Taking action provides the evidence needed to build real confidence.
• 👍 Embrace the 'walk it before you talk it' approach rather than 'fake it till you make it'. Prove to yourself your capabilities through action.
• 💡 Confidence is domain-specific; excellence in one area doesn't automatically translate to another. Focus on the specific skill you want to improve.
• 💰 Success and confidence in any field come from experience and practice, not from inherent talent or confidence.
• 📝 Documenting struggles and failures is as important as celebrating successes; these stories become valuable lessons and inspirations.
• 👊 Taking risks and stepping out of comfort zones are essential for creating epic stories of success or failure, which are better than not having tried at all.
• 🔥 Persistence and consistency are key to achieving excellence; often, just continuing to show up and improve sets you apart in the long run.
• 💁🏻‍♂️ Personal development is an ongoing process; focus on continuous improvement and learning from every experience.
• 📈 Measure progress by the actions you take and the effort you put in, not just by the outcomes. This mindset encourages growth and resilience.
• 🚀 Reframe challenges and disadvantages as opportunities for a more epic success story. Your unique path adds value to your achievements.

Q & A

What is the main message the speaker wants to convey to his younger self?

The main message is to take action and gain evidence/proof rather than merely building confidence. Do things that lead to epic stories rather than worrying what others think.

Why does the speaker say 'evidence comes before confidence'?

Because confidence without evidence to back it up is just delusion and ego. Taking action to gain proof builds real confidence based on results.

How does the speaker recommend gaining skills in a new domain?

Focus directly on practicing the skill rather than trying to transfer confidence from a different domain. Confidence is often domain specific.

What is the speaker's advice regarding dealing with humiliation and failure?

Embrace it as most people will not even be watching your early attempts. Measure your progress rather than external metrics like downloads or money.

Why does the speaker document the difficult times in his journey?

Those tough moments make the best stories later and are the most motivating reminders of what someone has overcome to succeed.

How does the speaker recommend responding to insults or criticism?

Don't base your life goals or path on others' opinions, as that gives them control. Accept insults so you can live as you choose rather than in reaction.

What is the problem with making 'I am' statements about your identity?

They imply fixed traits rather than changeable behaviors, and attach false 'because' explanations that disempower you.

How does the speaker define true 'winning' in infinite games like business or relationships?

There is no final win or lose. You win by continuing to play and not giving up on the game itself.

What is the key to longevity and success in creating content online?

Make content so good that even one person shares it, leading to gradual discovery. Focus on improving quality not external metrics.

Why is overcoming disadvantages important for an inspiring story?

The greater the obstacles overcome, the more epic the eventual success story will be to motivate others.

Outlines

00:00

😞 Overcoming self-doubt and lack of confidence

The paragraph advises the younger self to take more risks and build evidence of success rather than relying on confidence alone. It emphasizes taking action over psyching oneself up, and not worrying about external validation.

05:01

🚀 Using accomplishments to build authority

This paragraph highlights how personal accomplishments and evidence lend credibility and authority. It advises focusing on tangible proofs over trying to have the best content.

10:02

🏆 Redefining winning on your own terms

The paragraph discusses adopting an infinite mindset focused on longevity over finite measures of success. It advocates defining winning internally based on consistent effort rather than external validation.

15:04

🤝 Overcoming others' doubts by persisting

This paragraph encourages persisting despite others' doubts and measuring oneself by effort rather than external results. It emphasizes document ing struggles to reinforce one's resilience.

20:05

💪 Taking responsibility for your life

The paragraph advocates taking full responsibility for one's life without blaming external factors. It suggests focusing on present behaviors rather than past stories.

25:05

🎥 Crafting your life into an epic story

This final paragraph encourages crafting one's life into an inspiring story by overcoming disadvantages. It advises documenting struggles now to reinforce this narrative.

Keywords

💡confidence

Confidence is believing in your ability to succeed. The video argues that confidence should come from evidence and experience, not empty self-assurance. For example, the video tells the story of the host failing at his first sales job to show that confidence comes from learning and improving, not faking competence.

💡evidence

Evidence means proof or demonstrable examples that support a claim. The video emphasizes building evidence through experience to develop true confidence, rather than "beating your chest" with hollow bravado. For instance, the host says his podcasting success came from years of persistence, not innate talent.

💡inputs

Inputs refer to the actions and efforts within one's control that contribute to desired outcomes. The video advocates focusing on inputs rather than outputs to find daily wins regardless of external results. For example, making sales calls and practicing pitches are inputs that build skill, whether or not they immediately yield commissions.

💡stories

Stories mean the lived experiences, failures and successes that comprise one's life narrative. The video argues that these personal stories give meaning and direction. For instance, the host continues his work because it may inspire others facing struggle.

💡time

Time represents the long-term perspective and patience required to achieve goals and build confidence through experience. For example, the video emphasizes that excellence now requires less time investment because so many people quit too early before accumulating evidence.

💡play

Play refers to intrinsically motivated effort that aligns with natural interests and passions. The video suggests making discipline seem effortless by turning work into an internal sense of play. For example, artists don't see painting as labor, but as fulfillment.

💡pain

Pain means the hardship and failures that hold people back from confidence. The video argues that confidence comes from pushing through repeated pains. For instance, Michael Jordan built confidence for game-winning shots by missing many attempts and trying again.

💡heroes

Heroes represent admirable individuals who use painful experiences as motivation to help others. The video implies the viewer can choose to become the hero of their own story. For example, heroes experienced traumas similar to villains but respond with service rather than self-pity.

💡rules

Rules in this context mean the personal standards and frameworks for thought that dictate behaviors and priorities. The video advocates choosing rules aligned with long-term fulfillment rather than external validation. For instance, making an epic life story can drive confidence more than others' opinions.

💡problems

Problems refer to the unnecessary obstacles created by negative frameworks and assumptions about oneself and past trauma. The video argues that declaring the past unchangeable and focusing on the variable present is more constructive. For example, difficulties interacting with women today may not inherently link to one's relationship with their mother.

Highlights

Having an epic story is about taking risks, launching businesses, knocking on doors - things 85 year olds wish they had more of.

Don't build confidence, build evidence. Confidence comes from evidence.

Walk it before you talk it - prove it to yourself so you don't need to prove it to others.

Losers stay losers because they aren't willing to lose.

Solve for the proof, then the content will take care of itself.

The price for excellence has never been so low - people give up too easily.

The world belongs to those who can keep doing without seeing results.

If you make your stuff good enough, only one person needs to share it.

Measure yourself by effort, not external results - they take too long and you'll quit.

Document when life sucks, not when it's great - those stories prove who you are.

Heroes and villains have the same backstory - pain. What differs is how they use it.

More disadvantages when you start makes for a better story when you win.

And that's okay - the easiest way to solve problems is decide they aren't problems.

I stand unafraid not because of my future, but because of my past.

You need to capture the moments you want to ignore - they build the future you.

Transcripts

this is brutally honest advice to my

younger less confident self having an

epic story is about asking the girl it's

about shooting the shot it's about

launching the business about running the

ad about knocking on the door quitting

the job taking the risk when you're 85

years old and on your deathbed you're

not going to wish you had fewer crazy

stories you're going to wish you had

taken more shots don't build confidence

build evidence confidence comes as a

result of evidence not the other way

around confidence without evidence is a

delusion it's you beating your chest

looking at yourself in the mirror trying

to pretend you're something you're not

do it so you get the confidence but

don't think you need confidence to do it

so the whole idea of fake it until you

make it should switch to walk it before

you talk it right prove it to yourself

so you don't need to prove it to other

people and let your path that you're

talking for you until you win effort

always goes unnoticed get used to it if

you aren't willing to suck you're never

going to get good losers stay losers

because they aren't willing to lose

confidence is also domain specific so

you can be really good at public

presentations and really bad at talking

to girls it takes a lot for a skill to

transfer between domains and so if you

want to get good at the thing don't try

and do something to the left of it just

do the thing the first sales consult I

ever took I didn't close and I say that

because everyone just imagines that mosy

just came in just slinging credit cards

and stacking bodies right it didn't work

that way I came in it was a 5minute

conversation the girl was like I need to

go get my card from home and I said oh

yeah okay go do that and she walked away

and I went to my boss he's like how'd it

go I said oh I closed her and he was

like oh that's awesome he's like you got

the credit card I said oh no she's going

to come back with the card and he

literally stopped what he was doing with

six other guys around him and they all

non-stop laughed for a minute straight

like they couldn't breathe cuz they

thought how stupid what I had just said

was but I had no idea and so that was my

first ever experience in sales I'm known

for sales now and I wouldn't even say

I'm confident in sales it's just more

like this is what works and has worked

for me take it or leave it and so people

perceived that as confidence but it's

simply just based on experience and

confidence comes from experience what it

really is is a prediction what you think

is going to happen will happen and so

even in statistics what is your

confidence metric this is 78 it's

literally just what the percentage

likelihood that what you think's going

to happen is going to happen and so how

do you increase the likelihood that what

you think's going to happen is going to

happen have it have happened already I

could have either spent 30 minutes every

day looking at myself in the mirror and

telling myself I was going to be a great

sales guy or I could have reviewed the

[ __ ] script which one do you think

would get make me a better salesperson

reviewing the script you can take all

the time that you're trying to spend

psyching yourself up and you'll feel

significantly more confident not having

done that and simply knowing what you're

going to say which you get from practice

the world belongs to those who can keep

doing without seeing the result of

they're doing and the longer you can

wait to see the result of you're doing

while still continuing to do is the

extent to which you can win big in life

for example to be a top 1% podcaster you

have to upload 21 podcasts 21 top 1% %

90% of people don't get past one 9%

don't get past 20 and then 1% of

podcasters of all of them make it to 21

plus so when people say try harder it

usually just means don't give up the

price for Excellence has never been so

low people give up so easily now that

it's just so easy to win by just being

willing to post 20 times you're in the

top 1% like am the top 1% we're not even

talking 10 top half top one % people are

so afraid of being humiliated they get

the long-term humiliation of never

amounting to anything no one's going to

watch your first 20 episodes anyways and

even if they do it doesn't matter

because that's not what you're building

towards like you posting those 20 isn't

what you judge yourself on you should be

judging yourself on the difference

between your first one and your 20th one

are you better probably and the

difference between your 20th one and

your 100th one because the win is you

you are the asset You're Building not

the downloads that you get on your first

shot mosy immediately had a podcast with

millions of downloads every single month

no I spent 4 and 1/2 years making two

podcasts a week straight didn't miss and

guess how many podcast downloads I was

getting per month at the end of that 2

to 3,000 downloads a month not a lot I

used to think to myself okay well each

one of these podcasts gets like 200

downloads well 200 downloads is like an

auditorium of people and so would I feel

okay giving a speech to 200 people yeah

and even before that when they was

getting like 10 or 15 downloads per

episode if I had a little lunch and

learn that I would I used to have to do

to like get leads for a business I'd be

fine talking to a group of 10 or 15

people because the reality is that those

people are doing me more of a favor than

I'm doing them they're literally giving

me their ears so that I can practice my

voice and how to talk and how to present

and it was only at year 4 and A2 to 5

when things started taking off and you

know what the two things that changed

are one is I did call I changed it from

gym secrets to just the game which was a

business thing so it made it more go

more people and the second thing and

here's the real one is that I sold a

company for $46 million and so people

are like oh what does this guy have to

say and the big thing that everyone

misses is people try and dissect my

content the message is 10% of how people

consume it 90% is the context around the

message so Elon muskin can tweet on the

toilet and be like I'm on the throne

taking a [ __ ] and it'll get a million

likes why because it's Elon Musk he's

the richest man in the world and owns

three of the biggest companies that are

most Innovative of all time I don't Kid

myself and think that like my content is

so much better than other people there's

plenty of people have better content

than me that don't get the same views

and the reason is because I have the

context they don't have the proof and

solve for the proof and then the content

will take care of itself because one you

will know what you're talking about

because you have proof that you know

what you're talking about and people

will believe you which is why you should

solve for evidence above everything else

like evidence gives you the confidence

if someone says Alex I don't think you

know [ __ ] about business I'd be like

okay it doesn't really affect me I do

know we cross 100 milon net worth at age

32 I know that but if someone said that

to you and you haven't accomplished

anything you don't have anything to

stand back on and it hurts you more but

I have proof so it's like you can just

deflect it towards the proof and keep

living your life the secret to longevity

is especially in the content game but

really in any game that you're trying to

at least help other people with is that

if you've done the thing you can be

certain rather than confident be certain

based on what you've done not based on

what you say other people should do

there used to be uh too big to fail and

I think there's an alternative which is

too good to fail if you make your stuff

so [ __ ] good that only one person who

gets exposed to it sends it to somebody

else then you have nothing to worry

about and you will eventually get

discovered it's a Time game and in the

meanwhile you just keep getting better

which is the point because at the end of

the day you're going to die everyone's

going to forget about you anyways and so

you might as well just work on the one

asset that you get to keep for the rest

of your life which is you and rather

than measuring yourself based on how

many views he gets versus how many views

you get measure Yourself by how much

work he puts into one of his shorts

versus what you put into one of your

shorts and then you might think the

output is more reasonable and if there's

a top sales guy in your organization

who's making more money than you compare

not what his commission check is to

yours every month compare how many calls

he's making how many times you practice

the script how many calls he's made

before you how many sales he's closed

before you what time a day he shows up

at work what time of day he leaves

whether he works weekends or not whether

he's willing to hop on the phone in a

family context so he can still close the

deal if you're doing all the inputs the

mat the outputs will always match on a

long enough time Horizon and if you are

new to the game then my recommendation

is not only to match inputs but to

double or triple the inputs that someone

ahead of you is doing and the reason you

do that is because if you just match

your inputs then you're always going to

be behind them because they're already

ahead of you because they're better than

you and so if you both do the same

amount of work they're going to keep

getting better and so with you so you

have to do twice the work you got to be

like Kobe right where everyone else is

doing one practice a day you do two

practices a day and in the beginning

they'll be better than you and then

you'll match them but because you're

doing twice the work eventually you'll

get better and then that's how you win

yeah and one of the biggest misnomers in

in whatever Endeavor you're trying to

track is people track the wrong metrics

they track the lagging metrics rather

than the leading metrics lagging metrics

are what happen those are the outputs

and if you want to track those fine but

the real things to track are what you're

doing to create the outputs so I don't

want to necessarily even track sales I

want to track how many calls I'm making

if I'm trying to get in shape I'm not

necessarily going to track the weight

I'm doing I'm going to track how many

calories I'm eating and so the more ways

you measure the more ways you can win

and so the idea the ultimate win at life

is where you can shift things that out

of your control that you deem winning to

things that are under your control which

you can deem winning because if you're

measuring on whether you lost the fat or

not sometimes people take longer some

people don't that's something that you

actually can't control what you can

control are the inputs and so if you say

based on this if I do this one thing

every day for a long enough period of

time I'll eventually get there the real

winners cut out the I'll eventually get

there and say if I do this every day I

have won the thing that I try and focus

on now is the Delta between how hard I

tried and how hard I can Poss possibly

try and if I know that the gap between

those two is zero then I have one and

I've decided to spend a inordinate

amount of effort trying to make that my

definition of winning is that there's

nothing left in the tank if you get into

a harder career path or one that takes

more reps to get good at or more reps to

get into then every day you can win

based on saying like everyone else does

100 I do 250 and I have nothing left to

give I won and that should satisfy you

and if you're if you're obsessive on the

external thing that takes too long and

you will give up too soon one of the

things that took me too long to learn

was the difference between the finite

and infinite frame and so finite frame

is where you have known players agreed

upon rules and a way to win or lose at

the end and then the game is over an

infinite frame you have known and

unknown players no agreed upon rules and

the point of the game is to keep the

game going and all the greatest games

that I've ever participated in marriage

Health business you don't win at

marriage the point is to stay married

you don't win at Health the point is to

stay in shape you don't win at business

the point is to stay in business and so

by default if you don't give up you win

and so that's the big frame shift which

is why leaving everything on the field

is the way you have to Define winning if

you want to win in the long term and

anything worth doing takes great time if

you stick with it and you make that the

win you'll notice that the external win

will just happen on its own and if you

really commit to that perspective it

won't even mean much to you because if

you make that everything it's the same

thing with the guys who win the golds

and then kill themselves or win the

championship and then go into these

massive depressions is because they're

playing the wrong game when Kobe was

asked shortly before he died like do you

think that you're somebody who's afraid

of losing or do you think you're

somebody who loves winning he basically

denied both frames he said I'm

paraphrasing I just love playing to the

best of my ability and that's what he

measures himself off of the fact that

the world chooses to measure him on the

fact that he's won so many games that's

the world's problem not ours it's saying

I'm game master not a player and I

choose to play by these rules and as

long as I playing I win by default and

it's because I'm not accepting the

world's rules for winning I make my own

an easier analogy here is and this is a

naval Ron quote he said what looks like

work to other people should feel like

play for you if you look at an artist

and he's painting you're like hey how

soon are you going to finish that

painting the point for the artist is to

paint he'll finish that piece and he'll

start the next one but the process of

painting is the thing that they enjoy

and so the idea is that if you can

commit and the broader you can

generalize what you're committing to the

easier it will be to stick with it so

you might be like I love making calls

but I hate entering things in the CRM

well both of those are required for the

role of sales and so I prefer to chunk

up a level and say I prefer to do hard

work because of what that work does to

me then whether I'm putting [ __ ] into

the CRM or editing a document or having

a hard conversation all of those things

are difficult and I see those as all

contributing to the person I ultimately

want to be until eventually I die and it

won't matter anyways and so the only

asset that you really get to keep with

you is your character and that's the

only thing you keep building and so if

you make the character the W at the end

of the day did or I did I not contribute

to the character of the person that I

want to become if that's the W every day

you can never lose if you have your menu

option of things that you can do in life

just remove quitting as one of them and

then try your next idea and if you are

in that Rocky cut scene and you're 2

months in 3 months in remember that the

rocky cut scene in the movie last a

couple seconds and the rocky cut scene

in real life might last a few years and

so whenever I get to a low point where I

think why do I even bother doing this I

just like to remind myself this is where

most people stop and this is why they

don't win and as hard as this is going

to sound the best thing that I ever did

was not listen to other people's

opinions about my life they don't want

the best version of you they want the

version of you who best serves them and

unfortunately the closer people are to

you the more similarly they they'll see

themselves in you and the more your

success will make them feel bad about

themselves and I can promise you this

from somebody who might be a little

further I have more people who root for

me now that I've already won than people

who rooted for me along the way no one

is doing as well as you think they're

doing so by comparison everyone is

better off than they think because the

cumulative median visually is probably

three times higher than what the actual

median is and so if you're like oh I'm

average or slightly below average

compared to the perceived median of

society you're probably way above

average and that's okay and being above

or below average doesn't even matter

anyways because you've got a lot of

innings left there's a lot of quarters

left to play and so like until the day

you die you still have hope you still

have a chance you can still keep moving

forward whenever someone gives you your

their opinion about what you should do

with their your life it's really them

saying this is my preference of how I

want to live my life and I say great

live your life that way and I'll live my

life this way because me living my my

life has no effect on you so live your

life the way you want to live it and I

don't want your life either they State

make those statements because they feel

uncomfortable and so they have to like

release it and so they say that to you

to make themselves feel better and

that's their problem not yours I think

I've learned a lot of frames around not

caring about others people's opinions be

out of necessity because I was so

crippled by the opinions of other people

for what felt like such a long time that

I always had to face my death in order

to get myself to move and so I talk

about death a lot because it has

actually been one of the few things that

actually motivates me to change my

behavior and so when I had done all the

things that I thought would impress

other people one I realized that they

didn't really care and secondly I

realized that I deeply cared about how

much I hated my life when I was like is

this what winning feels like because if

this is what winning is then I don't

want to play by thinking I'd rather be

dead than continue to play this game I

was forced to change the game I was

playing which is like well what is a

game that I would like to win at well

I'd like to win a game that is by rules

that I set out and there are things that

I can control and then those people

because you break their mold of what

they're supposed to be doing and they

might be miserable too but they are not

willing to take the risk that you're

willing to take because they care about

other people's opinions more than you do

because they haven't gone through that

little journey that you just went

through fine you do it your way they do

it their way I mean I went from prodigal

son my father super proud of me

graduating Vanderbilt in three years

president the fraternity vice president

of the powerlifting Team Management

Consultant to uh minimum wage employee

like that's a pretty significant Dro in

status I have these frames because

people will say whatever they want but

for me that relative drop in status was

a lot I went from about as high status

as you can get in a as a 22-year-old to

about as low status as you can get I

mean I remember having people be like so

did you go to college and I was like

yeah I went to college and I [ __ ]

murdered it and I did everything and the

cuz the implied question is why are you

here and so that's what in the beginning

hurt a ton but then I just realized that

they just didn't know and they were were

asking genuinely and all of my judgment

around that was just my own problem how

I'm perceiving this question is

affecting my mood to such a great degree

what if I applied this to every question

all these people are asking me things

and I'm either getting offended or

getting complimented but the statement

doesn't change so that sounds like a me

problem and so the more I started diving

into things like that the less bothered

I became by everyone everyone else's

opinion because they also have no

context even if they did mean it is an

insult so what if they're saying well

I'm better than you I'd be like yes you

are a lot of even successful people

frame their success around trying to

prove someone wrong right but when you

try and create your entire existence in

opposition to someone you actually give

them complete control over your life it

means that because of the things that

this person has said I will choose to

change all of my behavior which

basically means that the directives from

that person have commanded you to do

whatever you do and if you like to be a

free person and want to be somebody who

acts of their own valtion then I choose

to accept insults so that I can live my

life rather than living in contrast to

them and giving my control to the person

who insulted me I that would mean I put

me changing your mind above my goals

which I don't do my goals are more

important to me than changing your mind

I'm super sensitive to I am statements

labeling statements like this like I'm a

neat freak I'm the type of person who so

whenever you're dating someone you're

getting to know someone people like to

blanket I am statements really early on

to set the stage like I'm this type I'm

the type person who likes to show up

early I like to clean things I'm a

labeler I'm a whatever and then and this

is the Insidious part they then say

because

and then they insert a reason that they

made up or that sounded good in the past

and people nodded their heads and agreed

with because my mom never loved me

enough because I didn't get enough hugs

because I gave a speech once and

everyone laughed at me because you don't

know and the reality is you will never

know all we know is that you do a

certain type of behavior that's it by

giving these because statements all this

power you actually put all the power

into something that is unchangeable in

the past and so you have to keep dealing

with it whereas if you just said I do

these things period now if I want to

change what I do then I should just

reward myself in the present for doing

something different and that makes it a

lot more valuable and it makes your

identity and what you do as a result or

rather what you do and your identity as

a result something under your control

you don't want to blame the things in

the past that you can't change you want

to blame things in the present that you

can't so if you said I have trouble

getting close to girls because my mom

and I aren't close one you give your

mother all the power in your love life

you give power to something that

happened in the past that you can't

change to things that are happening in

the present that you can change and so

wouldn't it be more useful to say in the

past I have struggle to get close to

girls period now that could be for a

number of reasons thing is is that you

don't know what reason it is cuz I could

say let's say imagine all these things

happening you struggled with your mom

let's say you had a bad breakup at some

point in your life you're not in shape I

could say I struggle getting close to

girls and I could use any of those three

as my reasons but which of those serve

me none of them all we know is that you

struggle to get close to girls okay well

then just look at what it would take to

get close to girls and then do that

rather than having this other thing

that's attached to the behavior that you

can't do anything about it just makes

changing who you are and what you do a

lot easier sometimes people are such

douchebags they will tell a young child

you will never have a successful

relationship with a woman because you

don't respect or love me a mother or the

reverse could be true of a father

they're a [ __ ] douchebag for saying

that because they are labeling you with

something that you can't change but

that's their problem it also is no basis

in fact when people are like look at how

the son treats the mother that's how

he's going to treat his wife why the

[ __ ] would I treat my wife like I treat

my mother dear God that's just a

statement that sounds good but has no

basis in fact you treat your wife like

you treat your wife you treat your

mother like you treat your mother

they're different people people want to

have problems because it gives them a

reason to suck and it be okay it gives

them ego padding so they can protect

themselves for the reason why they're

not successful for the reason they

haven't accomplished what they said they

were going to accomplish and so they

lean on their potential comma and their

trauma as the two reasons that people

prop up I've got lots of potential but I

have all this trauma and neither of

those matter I've gone through three

stages of like mental development in

terms of how I see changing my behavior

in the beginning I attributed my

behavior to my past traumas the second

phase was that I I chose to change the

story what if my mother was just trying

to feel better it wasn't my fault so

then I changed my behavior in that sense

the third phase which is where I'm at

now maybe it'll be a fourth phase but

the third phase was I behave this way

period the because statement in the

second half is completely irrelevant one

because I don't know it two because I

can't change it so I might as well just

choose to do the thing that I want to do

irrelevant of my past the single

strongest predictor of my behavior is

what will make the more epic story I've

thought about that frame a lot and it's

still continued to win out and so when

I'm forced to make a decision between

two things I prefer to choose the one

that's the more epic story because

either you have an epic story of failure

or you have an epic story of success but

no 85-year olds are regretting their

epic stories they are regretting the

stories they never told our minds are

meaning making machines and they have to

be because they create associations

between things we know and things we

don't know that's how we learn the

problem is that our brains will make

wrong associations and then they will

plague us for the rest of our lives but

we can just redefine what the

association means for ourselves to make

our lives easier because whether you

miss the game-winning shot when there's

a huge crowd or you miss it when no one

else is there the only reason it h hurts

more is because you choose to let it

hurt you more now there are things that

you can do prior to the game-winning

shot that can increase the likely that

you make it which is that you practice

way more in high stakes conditions over

and over and over again and if you do

that it increases the likelihood your

confidence that you'll be able to make

it why because you've made them before

and if you're like well I missed my

first ever game-winning shot now what do

I do well you practice in every other

condition that's as close to that as you

can until eventually you make one and

then when you do make one you'll have

evidence that you've made one and you

try and make one again what you probably

don't know is that Michael Jordan has

missed more game-winning shots than he

has made but he's remembered for the

ones that he made but how was he able to

make them by missing and being willing

to shoot again on that basis of story

The many excuses that we give ourselves

in Reverse can make a more epic story

and so rather than to say like these are

all the reasons that I can't succeed I

think reframing that is these are all

the reasons that when I succeed it'll be

an even better story and it'll be more

inspiring to other people is a much more

powerful frame the more disadvantages

you have when you start the more epic

story you have when you win Donald

Miller has one of the most powerful

frames of heroes and villains I've ever

heard of heroes and villains always have

the same backstory it's pain they're

always an orphan right or the the

villain has some sort of disfigurement

to show that they went through hard

times the difference is what the

character chooses to do about it

villains say the world hurt me I'm going

to hurt it back Heroes say the world

hurt me I'm not going to let anyone else

hurt this way so Heroes use pain

villains are used by it and so I think

all of us have the choice to become our

own Heroes our own villains in our own

life simply by how we choose to do with

the pain that we all inevitably

experience so pain is a constant the

choice about how we react to it is the

thing that dictates the path of Our

Lives you know there there are certain

rules of playing the game that have

served me really well one of them is and

that's okay and I probably use that

frame more than anything else which is

I'm not close with XYZ relative your

parent your mom your sister your brother

and that's okay it's been a a lot of my

mental effort trying to untangle stories

that I told in the past about things

that were my fault or were a problem and

the easiest way that I found to solve

problems is to decide they're not

problems to begin with I have a handful

of pictures that I took for the first 5

years of sucking during business and I

use those pictures all the time every

day and the zillions of pictures after I

became successful I barely use any of

them the time to document your life is

when it sucks not when it's great

because those are the stories that

you're going to tell and those are going

to be the reminders that you use in the

present day of things that you have been

through and prove as to who you really

are because my favorite line in The

Matrix is in the second or third Matrix

when Morpheus is standing on the hell

and he's looking at towards everyone and

he said I stand Here truthfully unafraid

not because of the path that lies before

me but because of the path that lies

behind me and so the struggle period

that you may be in right now is the path

behind your future self that you are

building so that that man or that woman

can stand on the pulpit and look at you

straight dead in the eyes in the mirror

and say I'm confident and I stand

truthfully here unafraid not because of

what I said my goal is going to be but

because what I've been through to get

here and so here's my advice to my

younger self document your life more

otherwise you'll forget the details and

the details are what make it worth

remembering it's the times you're

sleeping on the floor it's the time the

person walks out and you miss the

seventh sale that day it's the time when

your bank account's at its absolute

lowest it's when you're car breaks down

on the side of the road and you're like

what am I going to do now I can barely

afford this right those are the moments

the ones that you want to ignore the

ones that you want to look away from

that are the ones that you need to

capture because those are the moments

that you will tell in the future of

things you got through because no heroes

are heroes without Epic monsters and the

bigger the monster the greater the hero