How I Rewired my Brain to Overcome APPROACH ANXIETY | 5 steps to conquer fear of rejection
Summary
TLDRThe speaker shares his journey from crippling approach anxiety to confidently approaching over 5,000 women. He outlines five steps to overcome this fear: ingraining the belief that women enjoy being approached, accepting rejection, starting with less intimidating interactions, being radically honest, and reframing approaching as a pleasurable experience. He emphasizes the importance of taking action and offers coaching to help others achieve similar confidence.
Takeaways
- π The speaker used to have severe approach anxiety but has since overcome it and approached over 5,000 women, dating many and is now happily married.
- π§ Step one is to rewire your brain to believe that women enjoy being approached and to treat this belief as a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- π‘ Women generally like being approached when it's done respectfully and authentically, contrary to common male fears of bothering them.
- π« Accept that rejection is a part of the process and not a reflection of your self-worth; it's a numbers game that can be improved with practice.
- π― Start by approaching people who are below your 'standards' to build confidence and comfort with the dating process before focusing on your ideal matches.
- π€ Practice simple interactions like saying 'hi' or asking for directions to build approach confidence before moving on to more complex conversations.
- πͺ Be radically honest about your intentions and feelings; authenticity is attractive and can lead to positive outcomes even in unexpected ways.
- π Embrace the idea that being honest and owning your insecurities can be refreshing and attractive to others, rather than trying to appear perfect.
- ποΈββοΈ The pleasure-pain principle suggests that you can reframe your perception of approaching women from a potential source of pain to one of pleasure by focusing on the positive outcomes.
- π€ Every approach, regardless of the outcome, is a step forward in building courage, confidence, and experience, making you more attractive over time.
- π Overcoming approach anxiety requires action and experience, not just theoretical knowledge; coaching and practice can help accelerate this process.
Q & A
What are the five steps mentioned in the script to overcome the fear of approaching women?
-The script does not explicitly list the five steps, but it discusses concepts such as ingraining the belief that women enjoy being approached, accepting rejection, starting with simple interactions, being radically honest, and applying the pleasure-pain principle to see approaching as pleasurable.
How did the speaker's past experiences with approach anxiety manifest?
-The speaker used to have crippling approach anxiety, to the point of running in the other direction when a girl was approaching him in a mall, and only approached one girl in five years of college because she gave him an interested look.
What is the speaker's current status in terms of relationships and personal growth?
-The speaker has overcome his approach anxiety, approached over 5,000 women, dated many, is happily married, and has helped thousands of clients to conquer their own approach anxiety.
What is the speaker's advice on the mindset one should have when approaching women?
-The speaker advises that one should believe that women want to be approached and that approaching should be seen as a pleasurable activity rather than a painful one, leading to positive outcomes regardless of the specific reaction from the woman.
Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of being radically honest when approaching women?
-The speaker emphasizes radical honesty because it makes the approach more authentic and attractive to women. It shows that the person is unapologetically themselves, which is a highly attractive quality.
How does the speaker suggest using rejection to one's advantage?
-The speaker suggests viewing rejection as a step closer to finding someone compatible and not as a reflection of one's self-worth. It's part of a numbers game where not every approach will lead to a date, but each rejection brings one closer to a positive outcome.
What is the speaker's opinion on the common misconception about women being bothered by being approached?
-The speaker believes that most guys think they bother women by approaching them, but the reality is that approximately 95% of women appreciate being approached when it's done respectfully and authentically.
What is the 'pleasure-pain principle' as mentioned in the script?
-The 'pleasure-pain principle' refers to the idea that humans naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. The speaker suggests reconditioning one's mind to associate approaching with pleasure rather than pain, which can motivate one to take action despite fear.
How does the speaker describe the process of getting comfortable with approaching women?
-The speaker describes a gradual process, starting with simple interactions like saying 'hi' to anyone, then asking for directions, and slowly working up to approaching attractive women and having more meaningful conversations.
What is the role of a coach or mentor in helping someone overcome approach anxiety according to the speaker?
-A coach or mentor provides guidance, feedback, and support to help someone improve their approach skills, build confidence, and let go of insecurities and limiting beliefs that may be holding them back in social interactions.
What is the final call to action presented by the speaker for those interested in overcoming approach anxiety?
-The speaker encourages interested individuals to book a call with his team for coaching, which includes a 90-day program aimed at helping participants become more confident, overcome approach anxiety, and improve their social and dating skills.
Outlines
π Overcoming Approach Anxiety
The speaker shares his personal journey from having severe approach anxiety to successfully approaching over 5,000 women and dating many of them. He emphasizes that the fear of approaching women can be overcome by rewiring one's mindset. He used to run away from approaching women, but through practice and changing his perspective, he was able to conquer his fear. He also mentions his work in helping clients overcome their approach anxiety and highlights the importance of understanding that women generally enjoy being approached, as long as it's done respectfully.
π Accepting Rejection as Part of the Process
In this paragraph, the speaker discusses the inevitability of rejection when approaching women. He advises that most women will react positively to an approach, but it's important to accept that not every approach will lead to a date or a relationship. He compares the process to a numbers game, where rejections are steps towards finding a compatible partner. He also references Tom Hopkins' book 'The Art of Selling' to illustrate the idea of viewing rejections as steps closer to success. The speaker encourages viewers to improve their approach skills and to see rejections as opportunities for growth rather than personal failures.
π§ Gradual Improvement and Incremental Approaches
The speaker shares his strategy of gradually improving his approach skills by starting with less intimidating interactions, such as saying 'hi' to anyone or asking for directions. He emphasizes the importance of building confidence through small steps, similar to how one would build strength at the gym. He also recounts a story of a client who was able to overcome his fear by being radically honest about his lack of experience with women. The speaker suggests that being genuine and honest can be more attractive than trying to appear perfect, and encourages viewers to start with simple interactions and work their way up to more complex ones.
π Embracing Honesty and the Pleasure-Pain Principle
The speaker discusses the importance of being radically honest when approaching women, using the example of a client who openly admitted his inexperience and gained a positive response. He suggests that honesty can be refreshing and attractive, as it shows a lack of concern for others' opinions. The speaker also introduces the pleasure-pain principle, explaining that people naturally seek pleasure and avoid pain. He advises viewers to reframe their perception of approaching women as a pleasurable activity, focusing on the potential positive outcomes rather than the fear of rejection or embarrassment. He shares a personal anecdote about turning a painful experience into motivation for approaching women, demonstrating how changing one's mindset can lead to success.
π Taking Action and Seeking Coaching
In the final paragraph, the speaker emphasizes that overcoming approach anxiety requires action and experience, not just theoretical knowledge. He invites viewers to book a call with his team for coaching on approaching women confidently and effectively. The speaker outlines the benefits of the coaching program, which includes 90 days of support, field training, feedback on approaches, and help in overcoming insecurities and self-doubt. He stresses that the coaching will help viewers become the best version of themselves, not just in dating but in life in general, by building confidence and courage.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Approach Anxiety
π‘Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
π‘Rejection
π‘Authenticity
π‘Confidence
π‘Comfort Zone
π‘Radical Honesty
π‘Pleasure-Pain Principle
π‘Courage
π‘Coaching
π‘Insecurities
Highlights
The speaker reveals five steps to overcome the fear of approaching women.
Approaching women can lead to dating and building relationships.
Women generally enjoy being approached, contrary to common misconceptions.
Approaching should be done in an honest, authentic, and respectful way.
Accepting rejection is a crucial part of approaching women.
The majority of women approached will not lead to dates, but it's a numbers game.
Starting with less intimidating approaches can build confidence.
Being radically honest can be attractive and intriguing.
Honesty about personal insecurities can lead to positive reactions.
Approaching should be seen as a pleasurable activity, not a painful one.
Every approach, even unsuccessful ones, provides valuable experience and confidence building.
The speaker emphasizes the importance of taking action despite fear.
Coaching can help individuals overcome approach anxiety and improve their dating skills.
The speaker offers a 90-day coaching program to help participants become more confident.
The coaching program includes field training and feedback on approaches.
The ultimate goal is to help individuals step into their most confident and attractive selves.
Transcripts
today I'll reveal the five steps that I
use to rewire my brain and completely
overcome the fear of approaching women
hi how's it going good uh real quick
sure I ran all the way over here cuz I
thought you were really pretty thank you
I had to tell you okay here put your
Facebook in and maybe I don't know where
you guys going tomorrow night or tonight
look man I used to have crippling
approach anxiety so bad that I remember
going to the mall with the intention to
approach girls seeing one in a store
waiting for her to come out and when she
started walking towards me I literally
ran in the other direction in fact in
college I only approached one girl out
of the 5 years that I was there and it
was only because she was giving me that
I want you look and yet now I've
approached over 5,000 women dated
countless of them and am happily married
to an amazing woman plus I've helped
thousands of clients conquer their own
approach anxiety I didn't go out and
talk to anyone ever and there were
moments where I would go out and with
the goal of just saying hi to people and
because of all that pressure I I didn't
I was actually on a 5-year dry spell of
like no
dates like didn't kiss a girl nothing
like no intera like sexual interactions
with women whatsoever prior to Tam I I
was going on maybe one or two dates a
year step number one you need to ingrain
in your mind that women want to be
approached no woman wakes up saying God
I hope I don't get swept off my feet
today look man when I first started
walking up to women especially in
everyday situations and approaching them
I looked like a deer in headlights
because I thought I was bothering them I
would go up to and be like hey real
quick I hope I'm not bothering you but
and then I would say some weird indirect
pickup line that I heard somewhere and
of course I didn't get very good results
until I started rewiring my brain and
telling myself that women love to be
approached and then it became a
self-fulfilling prophecy as my
approaches became better and better I
could see the reaction from women they
absolutely loved it even if they were in
a relationship even if her husband was
on her way here she would tell me yeah I
have a husband but you need to keep
doing this you completely made my day in
fact it blew my mind how much women love
to be approached as long as you do it
the right way do you like it when a guy
approaches you of course it builds up
your self-esteem you feel better like I
think everybody has to do it no matter
is a guy or a girl like even if you're
not interested in him you have a
boyfriend or something you still enjoy
it yeah of course see most guys believe
that if they approach a woman they would
be bothering them they think women are
annoyed by being approached and they
think women get approached all the time
so they think women hate it and
sometimes those guys even tried it once
or twice didn't get a good reaction and
that was a self-fulfilling prophecy they
told themselves yep see women don't like
it ultimately it's just an excuse so
that you can stay safe you don't have to
get out of your comfort zone and go talk
to beautiful women but bro you need to
get out of that negative fantasy and get
back to reality which is that
approximately 95% of the time women love
to be approached as long as you do it in
an honest authentic and respectful way
because the truth is even when women say
that they do get approached a lot it's
always from guys doing it in a really
sleazy overly aggressive way or guys
just molesting them with their eyes or
creepy guys that are cat calling them
some guys just um said like hello can I
give you a kiss and that's like no you
can't hi you're beautiful can I kiss you
yes wow okay I was walking today and uh
about six guys said oh why are you so
alone like on a creepy way oh like yell
at you yeah yeah don't yell at women we
call it cat calling they aren't used to
guys doing it in the way that we teach
you and they'll absolutely love the fact
that you were bold and that you took the
time out of your day to make her day I
just saw you guys over there walking and
I had to stop on time I thought you guys
both were absolutely beautiful a s than
number two accept the fact that you will
get rejected Ed now even though most
women will light up when you approach
them the right way the truth is it's not
going to work out with most women that
you approach a lot will have a boyfriend
or be in a hurry or just won't be that
into you you just need to accept that
think of it like this when you go about
your day and you see all the women
around you are you attracted to the
majority of them out of 10 women that
you see you might be attracted to like
one or two of them so wouldn't it be
fair to expect the same came from women
that you approach so just accept the
fact that most of the women you approach
you won't go on dates with and it's not
a reflection of you it has nothing to do
with your self-worth every time you get
rejected you're just getting one step
closer to finding someone who is
compatible with you remember it is a
numbers game good news is you can
improve those numbers for example if you
approached 10 women and you didn't even
get a single phone number or date that's
okay you can work on your approach which
is essentially what we help guys do and
you can get much better results than
that in the book art of selling by Tom
Hopkins he talks about you need to learn
to love no because for example let's say
you in sales and it took you 10 calls to
get one yes one guy who would say yes to
your offer well then every time you made
a call and you got a no you should say
yes I'm one step closer to getting a yes
to making a sale so when it comes to
approaching women you need to to
understand that it's not going to work
out with most of the women that you
approach yes you should be making their
day they should light up when you
approach them you should be getting
majority good reactions but the truth is
a lot of them are going to have
boyfriends they're going to be in a
hurry or you're just not going to be
their cup of tea I just politely decline
how often do you decline when you're
single or how happen do you say yes when
you're single it's funny be all the time
which one yes or no I'm never interested
never interested I'm I don't know why
maybe the type of man that approached me
is just not my type but I don't say yes
step number three is to work your way up
when I first started out working on this
part of my life I would approach go on
dates and even escalate on women let's
just say nowadays I wouldn't do that
with women that were below my current
standards and the reason is if I only
approach the really really attractive
women then the number of women I'm going
to approach would would have been a lot
less so it just widened the pool of
available women that I could approach
and it allowed me to get comfortable
with the entire dating process from the
approach texting going on dates
escalating and taking things further
with a lot more women because back then
I just wasn't good at any of those steps
and as my skills and my confidence
increased I was able to increase my
standard so then I just got more and
more picky as time went by and the same
concept is true for how you approach
instead of thinking you have to approach
this woman and have this amazing
conversation and Spark attraction and
build a connection and get her phone
number and all these things that adds a
lot of pressure to you instead take all
the pressure away and make it as easy as
possible in fact just go up and say hi
to her I just had to say those look
Absolut abolutely
gorgeous in fact if that even seems
scary just go say hi to anybody a guy a
little old lady and then after you get
comfortable just saying hi to people
then ask people for directions again
don't even find attractive women ask
anybody for directions once that becomes
easy then start asking beautiful women
for directions do you know where the
Starbucks is spch the Starbucks until
you get comfortable with that and then
you take it to the next step and that's
exactly how our mentorship works we
start at the bottom and we work your way
up it's just like going to the gym you
don't bench press 500 lb the first time
you go no you start with like 50 lb or
maybe even 5 lb you start small and you
work your way up Rome wasn't built in a
day and neither is getting over approach
anxiety step number four is to be
radically honest he's my coach over
there uhhuh and uh they're teaching us
how to overcome social anxiety and go up
to people am that's great and so I just
wanted to come over and tell tell you
that I thought you were very very
beautiful so much I think that's great
that you're doing that yeah it's hard
you know ever since like Co and stuff
everybody has social anxiety to an
extent so I think it's good I once had a
client named Alex 26 or 27y old virgin
and we were doing a workshop out in
Budapest and I told him to be radically
honest that evening so he walks up to a
girl and I forget how we started the
conversation but she asked him why are
you here why are you traveling in
Budapest and he said I'm on a dating
Workshop in fact that's my dating coach
right over there and he pointed right at
me I knew this because I had him miked
up I could hear every word he was saying
so that I could give him feedback then
she said well you don't seem like you
need a dating coach I mean you
approached me you seem confident enough
and he said not really I'm actually 26
and I'm still a virgin and my mouth
dropped I had no idea he was going to be
that radically honest but what surprised
me the most was her reaction she wasn't
turned off by it in fact she was the
exact opposite she was more intrigued so
much so that he actually lost his
virginity to her and then he asked her
for feedback afterwards I know hilarious
and she told him she just loved how
honest he was it was so refreshing
compared to all the guys who try to act
all Macho and cool she just loved that
Alex owned who he was he wasn't
apologetic he wasn't trying to hide the
things that he didn't think a woman
would find attractive he was just
unapologetically
himself and that's really what women
love it's not about coming off as
perfect it's just about owning who you
are flaws insecurities and all and being
okay with that because what it presents
to women and really the world is that
you don't care what other people think
because what it says to women and really
the world is this is who I am and I'm
okay with that and it shows people that
you don't care what other people think
which is highly attractive in fact it
just allows you to be free so when you
see a beautiful woman what is the truth
what is the reason you want to go
approach her is it because of her shoes
or her handbag probably not it's
probably because you're attracted to her
so stop worrying that she's going to
judge you for saying that and just tell
her the truth in fact if you're feeling
nervous tell her that tell her you
hardly ever do this that this scares you
to death I'm actually taking a boot camp
where we're learning how to talk to
girls better so that's my that's my
coach over there tell her that you
watched a video on how to get over
approach anxiety and now you're going
out and trying to get over approach
anxiety I know that doesn't sound like
an attractive way to approach but who
cares you're not trying to impress her
you're just trying to own who you are so
go out and be radically honest and
finally step number five probably the
most important step is the pleasure pain
principle because as humans we're
hardwired to do things that give us
pleasure and avoid things that cause us
pain and the reason you have approach
anxiety is because you see approaching
as potentially painful and it seems a
lot easier a lot more pleasurable to
just stay in your comfort zone right
where you are and not go do something
that's potentially you know embarrassing
therefore painful but the good news is
you can reverse this let me give you an
example I once was hanging out with a
girl and she was getting a little drunk
we were at a bar and she was drinking a
little bit too much but we were playing
this game thumb wrestling and I decided
to cheat with my index finger and cover
her thumb she didn't think it was that
funny and she kneed me in the nuts I
know crazy it was not really an accurate
response if you ask ask me so I go sit
down I'm not feeling good I'm not in a
good State at all she walks over and
she's like why are you acting like such
a baby I barely hit you obviously she
doesn't know what it feels like but I
made a decision in that moment I told
myself you know what I can either go
home crying and saying that was a
horrible night or I can look at it
differently and say at least every
interaction I have from here on out
isn't going to be as bad as that I'm
probably not going to get KN in the nuts
again I'm probably not going to be in
physical pain and that just switched my
thinking instead of seeing approaching
as painful which in that case it
actually was I saw approaching as being
something that's going to be pleasurable
right it's not going to be in comparison
it can't be worse than that and so that
just motivated me to to forget about
what just happened and go approach roach
in fact I walked up to the first two
girls that I saw that were really cute
and I said probably the worst line you
could possibly ST which is hey I just
got KN in the nuts have you ever KN
anybody in the nuts which is awful
because it's so low value that I just
got that that just happened to me but it
didn't matter my energy was good I was
having a good time I didn't care what
they thought about me and I ended up
going on a date with one of those girls
so the point is I saw approaching as a
pleasurable thing instead of a painful
thing so if you can condition your mind
to see all the potential future outcomes
of approaching a woman like going on a
date with her she becomes your
girlfriend you're in a happy loving
relationship with her potentially or
that you know it ends in intimacy
whatever if you see that instead of the
worst case scenario then you're going to
be motivated to approach because really
let's take the worst case scenario is
that you approach her and you know you
get meat in the nuts or something like
that happens which is very rare that
that is actually going to happen I
probably approached somewhere between
5,000 and 10,000 women and it's only
happened once but what usually happens
when a girl's not interested for
whatever reason is she just politely
walks away that's it she just tells you
she has a boyfriend or she's not
interested and you don't lose anything I
just politely decline fact you still
gain quite a bit you still gained
confidence you gained courage because of
the fact that you actually did did it
you gained experience you're working on
your skills maybe she does tell you
something that kind of throws you off
well that gives you practice now you can
practice saying something in response to
that even if you do get a worst case
scenario you still get positive things
out of it for example on every approach
You're Building courage you're stepping
into tension you're becoming more and
more bold with every approach every time
you don't approach you're basically
reinforcing fear you're becoming more
fearful
do you think women are attracted to men
of Courage that are courageous and bold
or men who stay in their comfort zone
because of fear of course they're
attracted to Courageous men so every
time you approach you're becoming more
attractive no matter what kind of
reaction you get no matter what she does
even in that worst case scenario where I
got KN in the nuts there were still
positive things that came out of it I
approached her I I up until then had a
really good interaction therefore I had
a lot of practice and experience and of
course I cultivated some boldness and I
was able to turn it into a funny story
later on so out of a worst case scenario
most people don't have worst case
scenarios than that there's still six
possibly seven or eight positive things
that came from it so when you look at
approaching like that every time you
approach it's a positive experience
every time you don't approach it's a
negative experience so it's painful when
you don't approach and it's pleasurable
no matter what reaction you get as long
as you approach and when you train your
mind to think like that you can actually
become somewhat addicted to approaching
women it's like playing the lottery but
knowing you would always win imagine
there was a slot machine you put money
in and you always got money out you
could never lose how often would you
play all the time of course and that's
exactly what approaching with this
mindset is like you always win no matter
what and the great thing is as your
approach improves and you get more and
more confident you're letting go of all
the shame and insecurities and baggage
and you're stepping into your most
attractive self you get better and
better reactions from women in fact the
typical worst case scenario for our
clients is the girl says wow thank you
so much I'm so glad you approached me I
have a boyfriend though but keep doing
this I love the initiative I'm like this
is so good dating here is really fun and
then dating there you can't get a date
it's very crazy we see this all the time
when our clients start getting the hang
of it they get such great reactions and
they realize
why have I been afraid of this for so
long it doesn't make any sense I've been
missing out on so many opportunities but
here's the real truth man are you
listening because you cannot overcome
approach anxiety by watching a YouTube
video you need to go out there and
experience it and deal with the anxiety
step out of your comfort zone and take
action and most guys they can't or won't
do it on their own which is why we
provide provide coaching for you guys if
you want me and my team to not only help
you overcome approach anxiety but also
help you become comfortable and
confident approaching beautiful women in
any situation then make sure to book a
call with my team there's a link down
below click that link schedule a call
with us and if you do get accepted into
our coaching program then we'll be
working with you for at least 90 days
helping you become the best most
confident version of yourself we're
going to help you overcome approach
anxiety quickly so that you can start
getting results start getting phone
numbers start going on instant dates you
can literally go on a date with a girl
within 2 minutes of meeting her we're
going to bring in models to help you
really connect with women on a deep
emotional level we're going to take you
out in field and give you feedback on
your approaches because everybody when
they first start they're doing things
that push women away and if you don't
have somebody giving you feedback then
you're going to keep doing that over and
over again and you're just not going to
get good results and most importantly
we're going to help you let go of all
the shame insecurities self-doubt
limiting beliefs and insecurities that
are holding you back not just with women
but in life in general so that you can
step into the most confident masculine
powerful version of you so if that
sounds good click the link down below
book a call with us and I hope to see
you in our mentorship program and in the
meantime I'll see you in the next video
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