How to build self-worth and stop seeking external validation (with 4 practices)
Summary
TLDRIn this video, Dia explores the concept of self-worth, distinguishing it from self-esteem and emphasizing its resilience to external influences. She outlines the importance of self-worth for personal boundaries, self-perception, and life experiences. Dia then offers four practical steps to enhance self-worth: self-acceptance and compassion, self-trust, pushing beyond comfort zones, and the separation of tasks to avoid seeking external validation. The video encourages viewers to build a strong foundation of self-worth to navigate life's unpredictability.
Takeaways
- 🏠 **Self-Worth vs. Self-Esteem**: Self-worth is more about internal identity and resilience against external circumstances, unlike self-esteem which is more about external validation.
- 🌟 **Importance of Self-Worth**: A strong sense of self-worth influences how one perceives reality, sets boundaries, and what one believes is possible in life.
- 🚀 **Building Self-Worth**: The video outlines four steps to build and strengthen self-worth, emphasizing personal growth and internal development.
- 🤝 **Self-Acceptance**: Accepting both positive and negative traits about oneself without judgment is crucial for building self-worth.
- 🌱 **Self-Trust**: Trusting oneself to make beneficial choices and being comfortable saying 'no' to things that don't align with personal well-being.
- 🏋️♀️ **Getting Uncomfortable**: Stepping out of one's comfort zone is essential for personal growth and strengthening self-worth.
- 🧗♀️ **Separation of Tasks**: Understanding the difference between personal tasks and those of others helps in setting boundaries and not seeking external validation.
- 🌐 **External Perception**: One cannot control how others perceive them, and it's important to focus on one's own integrity and actions.
- 📚 **Reading for Growth**: The host recommends reading and learning as a means to enhance self-worth and personal development.
- 🔄 **Continuous Improvement**: The process of building self-worth is ongoing, requiring continuous effort and adaptation to change.
Q & A
What is the main focus of Dia's video?
-The main focus of Dia's video is to discuss the concept of self-worth, differentiate it from self-esteem, and provide steps on how to increase one's sense of self-worth.
How does Dia define self-worth?
-Dia defines self-worth as being more associated with internal values and resilience against external circumstances. It's about who you are as a person, rather than what you do or how you perform.
What is the difference between self-worth and self-esteem according to the video?
-Self-worth is more internal and resilient to outside forces, while self-esteem is more affected by external validation and performance.
Why is having a strong sense of self-worth important?
-Having a strong sense of self-worth is important because it influences how one perceives reality, stands in their boundaries, and what they believe they deserve in life.
What are the four steps Dia suggests to increase self-worth?
-The four steps suggested by Dia are: self-acceptance and compassion, self-trust, getting uncomfortable by stepping out of your comfort zone, and the concept of separation of tasks.
How does Dia relate self-worth to a house?
-Dia likens self-worth to a house that one continuously builds and lives in, where the windows represent how we perceive the world and the doors are how we interact with reality.
What does Dia mean by 'separation of tasks'?
-Dia means that there are tasks that belong to us and tasks that belong to others. It's about not taking on others' responsibilities and focusing on what is within our control.
How does Dia suggest dealing with the past that affects self-worth?
-Dia suggests accepting the past as unchangeable and focusing on what can be controlled from the present moment onward to build a stronger sense of self-worth.
What role does self-acceptance play in building self-worth?
-Self-acceptance plays a crucial role in building self-worth by allowing individuals to acknowledge and accept all parts of themselves without judgment, leading to less defensive reactions and more self-compassion.
Why is getting uncomfortable important for self-worth?
-Getting uncomfortable is important for self-worth because it allows individuals to challenge their limits, build self-trust, and grow beyond their comfort zone.
How does Dia link self-worth to the idea of being one's own boss?
-Dia links self-worth to being one's own boss by illustrating that taking on such a role requires trust in one's abilities, which in turn strengthens self-worth.
Outlines
🌟 Understanding Self-Worth
Dia introduces the topic of self-worth, distinguishing it from self-esteem. She outlines the video into three parts: defining self-worth, its importance, and steps to strengthen it. Self-worth is described as an internal quality, resilient to external circumstances, and more about one's identity rather than achievements. Dia discusses the potential misconception of high self-worth with arrogance and explains how self-perception significantly impacts life experiences. She uses the metaphor of self as a house, emphasizing the need for a strong foundation to withstand life's unpredictability.
🌱 Building Self-Worth: Self-Acceptance and Trust
The second paragraph delves into the first two steps for building self-worth: self-acceptance and self-trust. Self-acceptance involves acknowledging both positive and negative traits without judgment, allowing for personal growth and reduced defensiveness. Self-trust means making choices that benefit oneself and others, even if it means saying no to things that don't align with one's well-being. Dia encourages developing good habits and breaking down big goals into smaller, achievable steps to reinforce self-trust and establish a self-caring routine.
🚀 Embracing Discomfort and Setting Boundaries
In the final paragraph, Dia discusses the importance of stepping out of one's comfort zone to strengthen self-worth and the concept of 'separation of tasks.' She encourages taking small steps to face discomfort, which can build self-trust and personal growth. The idea of focusing on one's own tasks and not taking on others' responsibilities is introduced to avoid seeking external validation. Dia advises setting boundaries and understanding that one's perception by others is not under one's control, promoting self-integrity and self-respect.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Self-worth
💡Self-esteem
💡Boundaries
💡Self-acceptance
💡Self-compassion
💡Self-trust
💡Comfort zone
💡Separation of tasks
💡External validation
💡Victim mentality
Highlights
Self-worth is more about who you are and less about what you do or how you perform.
A strong sense of self-worth is resilient against outside forces or circumstances.
Self-worth can influence your confidence and potentially what you achieve.
Your perception of reality and yourself plays a crucial role in your life experiences.
Self-worth is like a house that provides safety and security, capable of weathering life's storms.
Accepting that no one can fix you and taking responsibility for your life is essential for growth.
Understanding that you are not a victim and focusing on what you can change is key.
Self-acceptance and compassion involve acknowledging both positive and negative traits without judgment.
Self-trust means trusting your ability to make choices that benefit you and those around you.
Building good habits and a sustainable lifestyle is part of strengthening self-trust.
Getting uncomfortable and stepping out of your comfort zone is necessary for self-growth.
Separation of tasks involves focusing on what is within your control and letting go of external validation.
Understanding that how others perceive you is not your task, but how you act and behave is.
The importance of operating from the latest updated version of yourself, taking responsibility for your actions.
The idea that self-worth is not about pleasing everyone but about being true to yourself.
The necessity to set boundaries and honor your own needs to maintain a strong sense of self-worth.
The concept that self-worth is built by doing things that enrich your life, not just for external recognition.
Transcripts
hi everyone my name is Dia and in
today's video I want to talk about how
we can come to understand what exactly
selfworth means and how to increase our
sense or strengthen our sense of
selfworth I broken down the video into
three main parts today so we can have an
organized structure the first part I
want to talk about is understanding what
is selfworth and how that differentiates
from self-esteem the second part I want
to talk about is why it is incredibly
important to have a good strong sense of
self-worth and the third part which is
probably the most important I am going
to provide you with four steps on how to
continue to increase strengthen and
build your own sense of self-worth
selfworth is a lot more associated with
what's going on on the inside and less
affected or more resilient against
outside forces or circumstances it is a
lot more about who you are versus what
you do or how you perform maybe you're
feeling a little bit resistant right now
does a high selfworth equate to someone
being arrogant or full of themselves and
I think maybe possibly but that's not
black and white it's more superlative
and do I think that these people who do
have a higher sense of self are more
confident and possibly get what they
desire a bit more I think the answer is
probably yes as well what's really
important here is that you
remember yes there is a objective
reality that we all live in but how you
perceive that reality how you perceive
yourself in relation to your external
environments to other people
plays a almost more crucial role in how
you will do or feel or experience life
so this Attunement to sense of who you
are and having a good strong sense of
selfworth is incredibly important it's
going to dictate how you stand in your
boundaries it's going to dictate what
you think you deserve what you will go
for what you can imagine is possible for
yourself and in life I don't just mean
materialistic things it could be what's
possible in terms of experiences you
want to have relationships you want to
have I like to think of our sense of
self as a house a house that we
continuously build and live inside of
and the windows that we open is how we
perceive the world and the doors that we
open are how we get to interact and
experience with the reality it's a house
that you should feel safe and secure in
and it's able to weather any type of
storm that may occur that you cannot
predict and just like the weather life
is going to be unpredictable no matter
how much you try to plan or control
things are going to come up things are
going to change meaning we have to
change with it so it is a lot more
important to focus on building or having
that Foundation or that home that is
equipped to continue to be remodeled to
renew or to support you when a storm
hits secondly and this is an important
concept one that I've actually
personally struggled with in the past
maybe you never got the loving nurture
that you deserved as a kid and I don't
mean spoonfed coddling mom and dad did
everything for you what I mean is that
the most basic foundational sense of
Safety and Security babies and toddlers
and kids need to establish a firm sense
of I'm safe at home and I can also
explore the world out there courageously
if you're watching this as a cognizant
adult then sorry to say that train has
passed that's just the reality of it no
one's going to come and fix you no job
no relationship Mentor therapist is
going to magically change your life it's
in our hands now and there are plenty of
resources that's going to lead you to
the water but if but you are the one
that has to drink it and the sooner we
can accept this truth the sooner we can
begin to feel empowered to actually
implement the changes we really want to
see and this also helps tremendously to
offset that mentality of I'm a victim we
have to first come to terms with the
past that we cannot change the family we
were born into we can't change what
happened or didn't happen but we can
definitely change what happens from this
moment onward so how do we strengthen or
increase our sense of selfworth I think
that's the 1 billion doll question and
I'm going to break it down into into
four parts and please remember that all
of us are uniquely different individuals
with different history and experience
but we're all humans so there's
definitely underlying foundations that
can speak to all of us number one is
self-acceptance and compassion I'm not
going to dive into the details um this
requires a whole lengthier conversation
accept the good the bad the ugly this is
impossible to do all at once but take
notice when something does come up and
Trigger you or when someone tells you
something about yourself and you feel
some type of resistance whether it's
good or bad I'll give you an example
something that I had to accept about
myself recently is that I can be
arrogant now watch this if I haven't
accepted this part of myself and someone
tells me hey you're kind of arrogant I
would get incredibly defensive maybe in
my body I'd feel a little bit tight
maybe I want to shut down I want to
fight them or maybe I get really
self-conscious and feel ashamed so you
can go gentle and ask are there any ways
I can sometimes be arrogant even just a
little bit and so I take a deep breath
breath and I think honestly yes yes I
can be despite my best intentions I can
definitely be arrogant at times so now I
allow this acceptance to settle in my
mind and in my body I don't judge it at
all I just let it exist so next time
when I'm a little overly confident in a
situation and someone says hey you're
being a bit arrogant I'll notice that
because I've accepted this part of
myself with compassion and no judgment
it doesn't carry any more charge so I
can feel and say you know what yeah I
can be that sometimes and there won't be
any type of defensive feelings or anger
or shame and again you don't need to sit
there and come up with an inventory of
things that you embody whether it's good
or bad um all at the same time but it
will take some time and sometimes you
won't even know what it is until another
person is able to mirror it in you so
you realize this is something that you
reject for the compassionate piece I
don't think of it as a lovey dovey oh I
love you I accept everything about you
the good and the bad I don't think
that's practical or realistic um it's
not going to be easy to digest or truly
be believed by your own unconscious mind
so I recommend taking baby steps
compassion can simply be neutrality
don't let your mind make up stories just
let whatever it is there to be there and
as a lot of these um philosophical or
spiritual uh teachings will say to
witness and remember all of us are human
beings all of us are trying to do our
best with a current awareness desire and
knowledge that we possess in this moment
so any positive or negatively judged
trait or characteristic doesn't Define
your selfworth it just makes you human
number one on that list is going to be
self trust what does that mean to me
self trust means that I trust myself to
choose things that benefit me to the
best of my abilities and that is also
good for those around me now to people
Pleasers this might seem like it's a
contradictory statement what if other
people people want me to go out and I
don't want to go out well stick around
for the fourth point because we're going
to talk about that self trust means I
care and love myself enough to say no to
things that doesn't feel good things
that might harm me in any small or large
way and continue to build good habits
and create a lifestyle that is actually
sustainable and good for me long term
and the key here is not Perfection it is
acknowledging that being human isn't
black and white it's not an all or
nothing while make the wrong choices
sometimes it's also about levity and for
going when night of deep rest to enjoy a
party with your friends so think of it
more of a balance if we're too rigid in
our attempt to live in the perfect life
it can also tip over into being more
controlling or feeling ashamed about not
being perfect so what can you do start
with things that actually feels nice to
do for yourself maybe it's waking up a
little earlier in the morning before
work so you just have some extra time to
do whatever it is that feels good to you
and then create a relatively consistent
habit out of doing that and maybe it's
finally sitting down and doing research
on what supplements or skin products
that would benefit you and then sticking
to that routine at night just like you
would brushing your teeth it can be
about breaking lofty big life goals that
you want for the long run breaking them
into smaller chunks so they're
achievable for example I heard today on
an Instagram post someone was saying
that their friend um basically set a
goal for himself to go to the gym every
day for 5 minutes and even though that
sounds ridiculous he was able to
accomplish this goal consistently and
thus starting to build a habit so
anytime you have a goal that feels too
scary or not the perfect timing or not
the perfect place um break them down
into a lot more smaller chunks and then
that way you can start to establish that
habit becomes before it becomes a part
of who you are so whatever those things
might be for you whether they're small
or big steps um it basically reassures
your own inner child and your
unconscious mind that you are here for
you that you're going to stand by your
own promises to yourself and honor what
feels good and what's giving you energy
because you are worthy of someone
looking after you and caring for you the
way that you would care for somebody
else that you love number two get
uncomfortable if you're in survival mode
I don't expect you to have the energy or
resources to do this so remember the
first part of this is compassion but if
you're ready or you're in thriving mode
it's time to step best out of your
comfort zone the only way for you to
continue strengthening your selfworth is
by doing things that you thought you
could couldn't now there's a difference
between accomplishment for external
recognition versus experiences that
actually truly enrich your own life and
this does kind of tie into self-esteem
but I don't think it's possible to
continue growing our sense of self and S
forth without engaging with life that is
outside of the safety of our home so to
speak or the safety of our comfort zone
for example I didn't believe I could be
My Own Boss until I was and I truly
didn't think anyone was proud of me at
the time I don't even think I was proud
myself it just felt like there were
Hills and Hills to climb and Achieve but
there is a subtle yet incredibly shift
that happened in myself I knew all that
it took to learn new skills in order to
create videos build a website start a
podcast and I began to trust in myself
that whenever I felt scared to do
something new I had the courage and
ability to do it anyway getting
uncomfortable and making it through that
uncomfortable feeling is how we can
start to build more self trust to know
that we have our own back and all these
different ways we as social creatures
need to know or learn how to adapt and
how to grow and how to try and I don't
know what your uncomfortable thing is
that you deeply desire to do but
remember just to take baby steps so I
have a bit of social anxiety even though
I deeply desire connection like most of
us do and the way through it is going to
things that makes me feel a little bit
uncomfortable because you're strangers
there and what are they going to think
about me and then I actually go to those
events and realize it's actually kind of
nice
and I'm still not the best at this but
I'm definitely making progress so this
is the perfect transition to the next
point which is point four and this is
the idea of separation of tasks so I
just finished reading this book
um the courage to be
disliked it's one of those books that
was profound enough to actually have
inspired this whole episode to be honest
separation of tasks simply means that
there are tasks that belong to you and
and then there are the rest that has
absolutely nothing to do with you and
it's not your problem they're not within
your control and it creates a lot of
pain trying to maintain or do other
people's tasks and this ties to the
behavior of seeking external validation
in order to feel that sense of
worthiness I'm very familiar with this
growing up I was really only praised for
things that I did never really for who I
am this led me to being really good at
being the helper and feeling like others
will only appreciate me or find me
valuable if I am doing something for
them and it creates this very shaky or
weaker sense of selfworth because a lot
of times people won't always appreciate
what you do for them or notice it or
they may not even want you to help them
the important point is this and it ties
into setting boundaries a lot of times
we smear our own boundaries in order to
feel that acceptance or that love maybe
you're burnt out and you just want to
take Sunday off you're either afraid to
disappoint your friend who's asking you
to help them move so you're exhausted
and you're feeling resentful and you
think that now they owe you a favor or
you first try to say no but upon their
insistence you start to feel guilty or
unconsciously think I'm not a good
friend if I don't go help so you say yes
and maybe you begin to feel that your
friends are only your friends because
you do those things or you do those
favors for them it's impossible to
believe or trust that someone loves you
or accepts you for who you are if you're
not being honest about who you are and
what you want and more importantly what
you don't want so again avoid black and
white thinking please know that I'm not
saying to always 100% prioritize
yourself that's not possible there's
going to be moments when you show up for
someone even though you're a little bit
tired even though you're burnt out but
it is the proportion of how you show up
and how firmly you honor your own needs
in your boundaries if you're constantly
worried about how other people are
perceiving you or what you're doing
you're doing other people's tasks for
them imagine you're an artist and you
love the art that you make you put it
online and out of a 100 people that
follow you 20 of them Ador your art and
they buy it 70 of them felt indifferent
or didn't connect to it and 10 of them
are just straight up haters is it
possible for you to have everyone like
what you do or who you are but if you
love what you made and you firmly stand
by it and enjoyed it why try to control
how it's being perceived because you
simply cannot you'll be pulled in
literally a hundred different directions
trying to please everybody trust that
the people who genuinely matter and love
you will love you through your
imperfections know that you cannot
control if someone is upset at you or
mad at you that is their task your task
is to know what your integrity means
know your limits know what is a no and
what's a yes and allow everyone else to
do their tasks how you're perceived is
not your task all we can do is operate
from the latest updated version of
ourselves not perfectly because we're
human but we do our best and we take
responsibility and accountability for
our words and actions and our behaviors
but how it is received is not something
that you have any say in no matter how
much you push or you bend as you can
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