How To Build Your Self-Esteem

Summary

This script discusses the concept of self-esteem, emphasizing its foundation on unconditional human worth, love, and growth. It explores how external expectations can negatively impact self-esteem when internalized, and suggests both external validation from others and internal reflection as methods to build and improve self-esteem.

Takeaways

• 🧩 The ego can interfere with self-esteem by defining oneself in a certain way, leading to a focus on external factors rather than internal worth.
• 🌟 Self-esteem is built on three sequential factors: unconditional human worth, love, and growth.
• 📚 Unconditional human worth is described by five axioms, emphasizing that all individuals have infinite, eternal, and unconditional worth as persons.
• 💰 External factors like money, looks, and achievements do not add or diminish a person's worth, which is infinite and unchanging.
• 💔 Loss of self-esteem often comes from internalizing external expectations and allowing them to define one's identity.
• 👶 Children develop a sense of self-worth through emotional mirroring and attachment, which can be affected by how they are treated by caregivers.
• 🔄 The brain forms hierarchies of worth based on societal expectations, which can lead to a conditional sense of self-worth.
• 🤝 External validation from others can boost self-esteem, but it's important to recognize that this is not the only way to build it.
• 💭 Internal self-reflection and understanding where one's beliefs about self-worth come from is crucial for building self-esteem.
• 🔄 Disentangling the ego from external expectations is key to improving self-esteem, as it allows for a more objective view of oneself.
• 🌱 Growth and learning from outcomes without involving the ego can lead to better personal development and a healthier sense of self-esteem.

Q & A

What is the primary issue discussed in the script regarding self-esteem?

The script discusses the issue of how ego can influence self-esteem by defining a person in a certain way, leading to a focus on external factors rather than internal worth.

What are the three sequential factors that build self-esteem according to the script?

The three sequential factors that build self-esteem are unconditional human worth, love, and growing.

How does the concept of 'unconditional human worth' relate to self-esteem?

Unconditional human worth is a foundational aspect of self-esteem, emphasizing that all individuals have infinite, eternal, and unconditional worth as persons, regardless of external factors like money, looks, or achievements.

What role do external factors play in the perception of self-worth according to the script?

External factors, such as money, looks, performance, and achievements, do not add or diminish a person's inherent worth. They may increase one's market or social worth, but a person's core worth remains infinite and unchanging.

How does the script suggest that self-esteem is lost?

Self-esteem is lost when external expectations are internalized, leading to a belief that one's value is determined by external outcomes rather than inherent worth.

What is the difference between confidence and ego as discussed in the script?

The difference between confidence and ego is that confidence is based on internal judgments of self-worth, while ego is influenced by external judgments and can lead to a loss of self-esteem.

How does the script relate the concept of 'emotional mirroring' to the development of self-esteem?

Emotional mirroring, particularly from parents, plays a crucial role in developing a sense of security and self-esteem. When children feel emotionally mirrored and loved unconditionally, they develop a strong sense of self-worth.

What is the role of societal expectations in the formation of self-esteem?

Societal expectations can influence self-esteem by creating hierarchies of worth based on external achievements. Internalizing these expectations can lead to a decrease in self-esteem when one's self-worth is tied to external outcomes.

How can external validation contribute to building self-esteem?

External validation, such as approval from peers or others, can contribute to building self-esteem by reinforcing a person's belief in their own worth, especially when the validation comes from those who are not obligated to provide it.

What is the script's advice for developing self-esteem internally?

The script advises recognizing and disentangling external expectations from one's sense of identity. This involves critically examining the beliefs about oneself and understanding that outcomes do not necessarily define one's worth.

Outlines

00:00

🧩 Building Self-Esteem: Understanding the Basics

The speaker discusses the concept of self-esteem and how it is influenced by external factors and internal beliefs. They mention that self-esteem is built on three factors: unconditional human worth, love, and growth. The speaker also references Claudia Howard's axioms on human worth, emphasizing that worth is not comparative or dependent on external achievements. The discussion touches on the idea that self-esteem can be affected by how we perceive ourselves in relation to external expectations and the importance of recognizing and managing the ego's role in defining our self-worth.

05:01

👶 The Development of Self-Esteem in Childhood

This paragraph delves into the development of self-esteem from childhood, highlighting the role of parental love and societal expectations. The speaker explains how children initially have an unconditional sense of self-worth, which can be affected by the conditional love they receive from others. They discuss the concept of emotional mirroring and how it contributes to a person's sense of security and self-esteem. The speaker also explores how societal expectations can lead to the formation of hierarchies of worth, which can impact self-esteem as individuals internalize these expectations.

10:02

🤝 External Influences on Self-Esteem

The speaker discusses the impact of external validation on self-esteem, noting that receiving praise and acceptance from others can significantly boost one's self-esteem. They mention the importance of peer approval and how it can be more impactful than praise from authority figures like parents or psychiatrists. The speaker also touches on the idea that stable, emotionally supportive relationships can help address attachment issues and improve self-esteem, particularly in cases of personality disorders.

15:03

🔍 Internal Reflections on Self-Esteem

In this paragraph, the speaker focuses on the internal aspects of self-esteem, emphasizing the importance of self-reflection and critical analysis of internalized expectations. They discuss how self-esteem can be influenced by the standards we set for ourselves and how these standards can differ from those we apply to others. The speaker encourages questioning the origins of our self-beliefs and the expectations we have internalized, suggesting that this process can help in building a healthier sense of self-worth.

20:05

🌱 Disentangling Ego from Self-Esteem

The speaker concludes by summarizing the two main ways to build self-esteem: externally through the validation of others and internally through self-reflection and the disentanglement of ego from external expectations. They emphasize the importance of recognizing the distinction between outcomes and identity, suggesting that acknowledging outcomes without letting them define one's self-worth can lead to improved self-esteem. The speaker also recommends exploring deeper spiritual perspectives on self and identity, such as the concept of the 'Atman' in Vedic psychology.

Keywords

💡Ego

Ego, in the context of the video, refers to the psychological concept of a person's sense of self-importance and self-worth. It is often associated with an inflated or exaggerated sense of one's abilities or importance. The video discusses how the ego can negatively impact self-esteem by causing individuals to define themselves based on external validation and judgments. For example, the script mentions how the ego comes in and starts defining you in a certain way, which can lead to a loss of self-esteem.

💡Self-esteem

Self-esteem is the subjective evaluation of one's own worth, which is a central theme in the video. It is discussed as being built on three sequential factors: unconditional human worth, love, and growth. The video emphasizes the importance of understanding the factors that contribute to self-esteem and how it can be negatively affected by internalizing external expectations. For instance, the script talks about how self-esteem is impacted when individuals start relying on the judgments of others.

💡Unconditional human worth

Unconditional human worth is a concept described in the video as the inherent value that every person possesses, regardless of their achievements or external factors. It is one of the foundational aspects of building self-esteem. The video explains that this worth is infinite, unchanging, and not comparative. The script uses the example of how externals like money or achievements do not add or diminish a person's worth.

💡External factors

External factors, as discussed in the video, refer to elements outside of an individual that can influence their self-esteem, such as societal expectations, achievements, or the opinions of others. The video highlights that these factors should not be the basis for a person's self-worth. For example, the script mentions how externals like money, looks, and performance can be misleading indicators of a person's true worth.

💡Internalization

Internalization is the process of absorbing and accepting external expectations or judgments as one's own beliefs. The video discusses how this process can lead to a decrease in self-esteem when individuals start to believe in the expectations set by others. The script illustrates this with the example of a child internalizing parental expectations about academic performance and translating that into a belief about their own worth.

💡Attachment theory

Attachment theory is a psychological framework mentioned in the video that explains how early emotional experiences, particularly with caregivers, shape an individual's sense of security and self-worth. The video connects this theory to the development of self-esteem, suggesting that emotional mirroring and unconditional love from caregivers can contribute to a strong sense of self-worth. The script references attachment theory to explain how emotional support structures can influence a person's self-esteem.

💡Confidence

Confidence is a related concept to self-esteem discussed in the video, which refers to the belief in one's abilities and the assurance that one can successfully perform a task. The video differentiates confidence from ego by stating that confidence is based on internal judgments, whereas ego is influenced by external judgments. The script uses the example of how confidence versus ego can affect how individuals perceive their value.

💡Emotional mirroring

Emotional mirroring is a concept from attachment theory that the video uses to explain how children develop a sense of self-worth based on the emotional responses of their caregivers. It is the process by which children learn to interpret and internalize the emotions of those around them, which can contribute to their self-esteem. The script mentions how exaggerated responses from adults towards children are part of this emotional mirroring process.

💡Personality disorders

Personality disorders are mental health conditions characterized by inflexible and maladaptive patterns of behavior, cognition, and inner experience. The video briefly mentions personality disorders, particularly borderline personality disorder, in the context of how stable and emotionally supportive relationships can help improve symptoms and self-esteem. The script suggests that emotional support can help address attachment issues related to personality disorders.

💡Disentangling

Disentangling, in the context of the video, refers to the process of separating one's sense of self from external expectations and judgments. The video emphasizes the importance of this process in building self-esteem by recognizing and challenging the internalized beliefs that affect one's self-worth. The script uses the example of disentangling the belief that academic performance equates to intelligence or worth.

Highlights

The concept of self-esteem is built on three sequential factors: unconditional human worth, love, and growing.

Unconditional human worth is described by five axioms, emphasizing that all people have infinite and equal worth.

Worth is not comparative or competitive, and externals like money or achievements do not diminish a person's worth.

Self-esteem is internal and should not be affected by external judgments or societal hierarchies of worth.

The loss of self-esteem often stems from the internalization of external expectations and conditional love.

Attachment theory suggests that emotional mirroring plays a significant role in a person's sense of security and self-worth.

The development of self-esteem can be influenced by the expectations placed on us by others and how we interpret these expectations.

Self-esteem can be improved by receiving positive feedback and acceptance from others, especially peers.

Internalizing the expectations of others and attaching personal value to external outcomes can negatively impact self-esteem.

Developing self-esteem involves recognizing and challenging the internalized expectations and their impact on one's identity.

The ego can define a person in a negative way, leading to a distorted view of self-worth and hindering personal growth.

Disentangling the ego from external expectations can lead to improved self-esteem and personal growth.

External validation from supportive relationships can help in building self-esteem, especially for those with attachment or personality disorders.

Self-esteem is not solely the domain of therapists; it can be developed through personal reflection, journaling, and meditation.

The transcript suggests that understanding and managing one's ego is crucial for building self-esteem and confidence.

The process of building self-esteem involves both external validation and internal self-reflection to challenge and change one's self-perception.

Transcripts

the problem is that you're missing a

piece of the equation which is that like

there's the ego comes in and it starts

defining you this way and once the ego

comes in then you stop thinking about

external factors

how self-esteem is built do you guys

have any thoughts or input on it so to

change self-esteem is to first

understand the factors on which it is

built self-esteem is based on three

sequential factors

unconditional human worth love and

growing so i don't know exactly this

seems like it's from a you know

some kind of self-help book or something

i'm not sure exactly what the source is

so

and then

uh goes on to sort of talk a little bit

about howard's laws of human worth so

unconditional human worth is beautifully

described by five axioms

based on the work of claudia howard all

have infinite internal

eternal and unconditional worth as

persons

all have equal worth as people worth is

not comparative or competitive

although you might get better at sports

academics business i might be better in

social skills we both have equal worth

as human beings

externals neither add nor diminish worth

externals include things like money

looks performance and achievements

these only increase one's market or

social worth worth as a person however

is infinite and unchanging

worth is stable and never in jeopardy

even if someone rejects you

worth doesn't have to be earned or

proved it already exists just recognize

accept and appreciate it

so then i think that goes on to sort of

share some diagrams and stuff

so this is a really cool post because i

think

how self-esteem is built

is kind of an interesting topic

so generally speaking we talk a lot

about identity we talk a lot about worth

and self-esteem and ego and confidence

and all that kind of stuff

but i don't know that we've ever talked

quite so much about how to build up

positive self-esteem right so i don't

know that we've ever discreetly

addressed that question

there may be some stuff about it in dr

k's guide i think that's where we really

go in depth

about understanding ego and confidence

and how to develop confidence and how to

get rid of ego

but generally speaking the approach that

we take is about dismantling or

disarming or getting control of ego we

don't really talk a little quite as much

about building up self-esteem

so let's try to take a a different

perspective today and talk a little bit

about how to build self-esteem

so in order to understand how to build

self-esteem the first thing that i want

to do is talk a little bit about how do

we lose self-esteem okay

so this too is going to be a a you know

an answer that i'm going to lean a

little bit heavily

on my

yogic training meditative training

you know monastic training

as opposed to sort of the science but i

think that there's good correlations

this is really an area where i think

science and spirituality sort of really

start to overlap

so think about when you're a kid

okay

and when you're a kid

you kind of just you do you right like

you're not really you don't think of

yourself as good you don't think of

yourself as bad

you

generally speaking hopefully are

accepted

and so where does the idea of

conditional love come from right like

where does this idea come from that

you are you don't have

good self-worth

and this tends to come from a couple of

places so the first thing that people

may say is that it comes from other

people right so when other people like

don't treat you well or they start as

parents start giving you conditional

love

um then you start to lose unconditional

love and unconditional self-worth and so

that's true

right so we've touched on there's some

stuff on this and dr k's guide we've

talked some on stream about attachment

theory

which in essence posits that

emotional mirroring is responsible for a

large part of like security in a person

so when i feel bad and the emotional

support structure around me feels bad

with me so if i trip and fall and like

my mom runs over she's like oh my god my

poor baby are you okay

and you'll sort of notice this that

across cultures generally speaking

adults will have exaggerated responses

towards kids

and why is that it's because it's part

of the emotional mirroring process right

so

if we're emotionally mirrored well

and that usually correlates with being

loved unconditionally by our parents

then we feel secure in ourselves and we

start to like develop strong self-esteem

so what's the flip side of the coin so

at some point

people will start to have expectations

of us right and i think what i tend to

see a lot in our community especially is

that

people will have expectations of you so

they'll say like you know my mom may be

you know may

pick me up when i fall down and that's

wonderful but her love for me may be

somewhat conditional as well so and this

can be somewhat healthy too which is

like you know i'm going to be treated

differently depending on what grades i

get i'm going to be treated differently

depending on how i behave and and how i

you know act and stuff like that

socially academically professionally

how good i am at sports

and so as our brains start to understand

the structure of our society what our

brains do is start to like form

hierarchies of worth

and this is sort of like common right so

if you like think a little bit about

let's say i'm dating someone and then

you know my family asks me like what do

they do for a living and what's going on

in that moment is that they're bucketing

this person right and depending on my

answer they're going to you know be

elevated in terms of social standing

or

devalued in terms of social standing

and so what happens is like as our brain

develops we start to see that there's

like conditioning going on their

expectations

and and we start to be judged based on

those expectations but that in and of

itself i don't think is

where we lose self-esteem because

self-esteem is about the esteem that we

have for ourselves right it's not about

the way that we're judged by other

people and in fact if you all watch the

confidence versus ego lecture in dr k's

guide to mental health you'll recognize

that the big difference between

confidence and ego is whether the

judgments of the outside

determine my value or the internal

judgments determine my value

right that's the big difference

so where does a loss of self-esteem come

from why isn't that when i'm when i grow

up with unconditional love and i think

i'm an awesome kid

why do i start to think i'm not an

awesome kid

is it because i'm relying i'm starting

to rely on the judgments of other people

that's one way of looking at it but i'd

say there's a key step here that we

haven't really talked about

and that is the internalization

of external expectations

so what tends to happen and this is the

really key step that if you want to

learn a little bit about how to

develop your own self-estee how to

develop self-esteem your own self-esteem

it has to be yours

but at some point what we tend to do is

internalize the expectations of others

right so like it's not just that my

parents judge me

for

doing well in school or poorly in school

like even now as an adult i can get

judged all the time people can be

critical of what i say and do etc right

and that doesn't necessarily have to

impact my self-esteem it's just a

criticism and the criticism can just be

handled in an appropriate way which is i

can adjust my behavior without it having

a hit to my self-esteem so when does it

hit my self-esteem is when i internalize

that criticism

when i internalize that expectation

when i translate from my parents who say

that you have to get a 4.0 to be a good

kid to be a smart kid when i internalize

that expectation and i say

smart kids or kids that have 4.0 good

kids or kids that have 4.0's

and once i adopt that expectation

internally once i attach my value

as a person

to an external outcome that's when

self-esteem

gets shot

right

and so this is where but like don't

parents do that to you and sort of yes

because

as a child we don't

it's very difficult for us to like have

an internal sense of self that is

separate from the rest of the world

right so as children our brain is

designed

to interpret external information for

like our own internal roadmap we're

learning about things like who i should

smile at and who i should not smile at

we're learning about things like gravity

we're understanding language social

nuance we're understanding all this kind

of stuff right

what kind of clothes do i wear do pants

go on heads or do they go on legs

there's all kinds of stuff that we are

internalizing as children which is why

if we turn back to attachment theory

like kids who have early adverse life

experiences tend to have messed up

attachment and the earlier in life that

you tend to have difficult attachment

experiences

the diff more difficult it is to sort of

develop good attachment whereas being

like abandoned at the age of five

is like generally speaking on average

more damaging than being abandoned at

the age of

right may not necessarily be true but

generally speaking it's true that way

and what's the difference there it's

because as a 55 year old

i have some internal sense of self i

don't automatically my brain is not

wired to download everything from the

outside world and turn it into something

internally

so what does this mean for self-esteem

right so if this is sort of the case

like how do i start

unpacking this how do i develop

self-esteem is there kind of two

important answers here one that's a

little bit external and one that's a

little bit internal

so the sad truth is that one of the

fastest ways to develop self-esteem and

kind of probably the easiest way

is from other people right so like this

is something that we see a lot in group

coaching for example

so i've worked with with so many people

who will say things like oh you know

i'll tell them like i think you're a

wonderful person they're like you're my

psychiatrist you're pay you have to say

that right so any kind of praise i give

someone

is sort of like if i don't if they don't

think that they're a good person instead

of accepting that praise

what they do is they like

they take their internal sense of self

and they look at our relationship and

they filter that that praise

through their perception of self

and they may be logically correct right

so it's kind of like okay fine so what

we see in group coaching which is really

interesting and so this is a good way to

build self-esteem

is that

you know these people aren't paid to

tell you anything and so when you win

the approval

of the people in your group who are

paying to be there just like you are it

means a lot more than winning the

approval of your psychiatrist of your

mom or of your you know coach

where if we kind of look at like your

mom says oh darling that's the best

artwork i've ever seen you're so

talented you're so talented and so

handsome and whatever and so if we think

about the value that we extract from mom

loving our artwork it's going to be

different from being accepted by our

peers

so a lot of of self-esteem can actually

come from like external people and

that's the simplest way to get it

there's even some research that suggests

that for example with personality

disorders you know stable relationships

that are emotionally supportive over

periods of time can start to really deal

with some of those attachment issues and

actually cause like improvements and

symptoms for certain kinds of attachment

disorder i mean uh personality disorders

like borderline personality disorder so

as unfortunate as as it is like

sometimes the way to this easiest way to

get self-esteem is from other people

it's actually cultivate people who you

know treat you for who you are and as

you hang out with people don't push them

away because it may feel super awkward

but then you can start to learn through

mirroring of others because remember

that's how we originally develop

attachment and security and stuff like

that yet your self-esteem can

improve the second way to really think a

little bit about self-esteem from an

internal sense

give me a second

is through sort of understanding this

key step

where once i internalize the

expectations of the outside world and i

start to believe them myself my

self-esteem will start to decrease

and so what do you kind of do about that

and this is where i'd say like think a

little bit about the way that you judge

yourself so if you have low self-esteem

that means you don't think you're worth

very much right

but where did you come up

with

the standard for your judgment

and what you'll tend to find is that you

may have a judgment which is you think

is very logical

but i'd say that most of the people that

i work with with low self-esteem

tend to apply a different standard to

themselves than they do to other people

right oh other people should go get

therapy that's wonderful that other

people are getting therapy but i feel

weak i feel like i should be able to

handle this on my own

and so there's a the really really

subtle point from kind of vedic

psychology which is that

once we extra once we take those

external expectations and we internalize

them it becomes a part of our identity

it becomes a part of our a hum god it

become becomes a way of looking at

ourself

right it's like our identity at that

point

and so this is the other really key

thing is to start to tease apart like

who am i

compared to what are the expectations of

the world

so like just because i perform in a

particular way does not necessarily make

an identity determination

so i'll give you guys just an example of

this so if i get a 4.0 i think i'm smart

so a 4.0 is an outcome right like it

doesn't mean that i'm smart or stupid

and you may say well duh dr k of course

it means you're smart well let's think

about that for a second right

maybe my parents made a 10 million

donation to the college

right so maybe

there are always all different ways of

getting 4.0 maybe you cheated maybe

you've got a 4.0 because you're a 26

year old neurotypical person with a

normal iq and you're now in the fifth

grade where they're teaching basic like

arithmetic and

subtraction and multiplication

right there are all kinds of reasons why

the outcome doesn't necessarily

have to become part of the ego

but as we go through life what tends to

happen is we

you know we do make that shift we do say

that this outcome is because of me

right so we see this a lot with people

who like have difficulty dating and they

think like

as they get rejected by people over and

over and over again and the other

interesting thing is sometimes there's

not over and over again sometimes it's

once or even let's really zero true

rejections i've worked with people like

that they start to believe that i am

unlovable

right which sort of makes sense from a

logical standpoint i'm not saying that

the logic is like incorrect

like it makes sense right so our mind

when it comes to conclusions it's not

it's smart your mind isn't dumb it's

smart

the problem is that you're missing a

piece of the equation which is that like

there's the ego comes in and it starts

defining you this way and once the ego

comes in then you stop thinking about

external factors right so if i start to

believe that i have low self value

and i go and i ask someone out and they

say no

my mind uses that as greater evidence

that i have low self value and i'm

unlovable whereas it doesn't really do

an objective analysis of like maybe the

reason they said no is because they've

got terminal cancer and they're going to

die in four weeks

maybe the reason they said no rare

occurrence

is because they aren't into ready for a

relationship right now maybe the reason

they said no is because they're already

dating maybe the reason they say no is

because they're asexual

maybe the reason they said no is because

they're not attracted to my gender maybe

the reason they said no is because

they're not attracted to my hair color

right like there's all kinds of reasons

that people can say no

but it

it's the ego that sort of assumes that

all of those things

have to do with you

right

so when it comes to like recovering your

self-esteem or building self-esteem you

can absolutely do it externally but the

second piece is to be very critical of

the expectations that you've

internalized and how did you come to

believe

the things that you believe about

yourself

right and this is the kind of thing that

people can work on absolutely in therapy

but it's not exclusive to therapy so if

we talk about you know the process of

discovering what i believe about myself

and where that does that come from

that's a process that musicians go

through that's a process that monks go

through that's a process that people go

through through journaling and stuff

like that so that's not you know

necessarily

only the province of therapists

they're very trained good at that kind

of stuff by the way so i highly

recommend doing something like that but

but it's really sort of dismantling like

the identification with the thing

because that's where the suffering comes

from that's where the self-esteem comes

from whereas like the outcomes are just

the outcomes right if i didn't get a 4.0

i got a b i can start to think all kinds

of things about myself

oh my god

other people are smarter than me i'm not

so smart or i can just acknowledge that

hey

you know history is really not my strong

suit i really did not enjoy the class

i wasn't able to put forth as much

effort and focus as i really wanted to

so be it

right you can like acknowledge the

outcome you can even learn from the

outcome and grow from the outcome

without you getting your ego involved

and i would even argue that growing from

the outcome and learning from the

outcome is way easier when your ego

isn't involved because that's when you

really learn okay like well how did i

screw up here

right

because in a funny way there's this

paradoxical ego thing where the ego says

oh i'm an idiot that's why it happened

and then there's no like forward

progress right it's just it's it's an

answer that the ego gives you that sort

of in a weird way

blames you a hundred percent and

absolves you of the responsibility of

doing anything about it so it's like an

interesting like way to stay stuck

and dodge criticism by just having a

blanket blame yep that's just me i'm an

idiot

right you'll see this even like in

relationships like i don't know if

you've had people where when you try to

criticize them they'll just like

they'll say like some really

self-deprecating thing that sort of

disarms your criticism and then you

can't

you're like

you know hey

i thought you were going to pick me up

from the airport oh yeah stupid me

i guess i'm just a complete idiot

because i forgot like my bad like i

don't know why you relied on me in the

first place i'm clearly a dumbass

right and it's like i'm not saying that

bro

but there's no

productive conversation there right when

people sort of double down like i see

this a lot especially when when with

people who have addictions

where they'll just like toss that out

there because they see feel so bad about

themselves and like kind of be like yeah

i'm an addict like it's not like i can

function anyway

right and so then like in doing so they

actually don't

progress or try to grow

i'm not blaming him for it right because

it's a sign of

you know really really low self value

and their egos in control like it's okay

but let's be a little bit critical about

what's going on

so just to kind of summarize you know

we've talked a lot about ego

self-confidence there's a lot of stuff

in dr k's guide about that sort of thing

if y'all are interested in a deeper

spiritual perspective on that i strongly

recommend you check out the atman bada

which is the path of self

and like how to understand what's the

core self and generally speaking you

know when we talk about those kinds of

things we'll talk a lot about disarming

ego and the nature of identity we have a

lot of meditations on that subject as

well

but this question today was a little bit

different which is like how do you go

about building self-esteem and the truth

is that there are two real ways to build

it one is externally which is a little

bit tricky right because it means that

it's kind of out of your hands but this

is the thing about life is that you

can't necessarily do everything easily

by yourself right sometimes you need

help from other people and that's

actually completely okay

the second thing is from an internal

perspective so as uh from an external

perspective as people start to treat you

well you may start to believe that you

yourself are a good person

because that's usually where

strong self-esteem comes from it comes

from

kids growing up being taught

that they are good people

the second internal way to sort of work

on your self-esteem is to recognize that

their external expectations with the

which the world may have

which at some point you begin to

internalize

and as you internalize

an external expectation

it can get tangled up with your sense of

identity

and once it gets tangled up with your

sense of identity

it's gonna affect your self-esteem so

that disentangling process of starting

to recognize

sure a 4.0 is better than a 3.0 but

where did i get the conclusion

that people who are smart get 4.0 and

people who are dumb get 3.0 are there

any smart people that i know that have

gotten a 3.0 are there any dumb people

that i know that i've gotten a 4.0

and as you start to look at that a

little bit critically and like how did

you get entangled in this so how did you

start to believe these things about

yourself

hopefully you'll start the process of

disentangling that ego from the external

expectations and as a result as you move

away from ego your confidence will rise

and hopefully your self-esteem will

improve

you