Low Self-Esteem & OCD

Summary

This educational video from OCD Recovery's YouTube channel explores the concept of self-esteem through the lens of two influential books. The host challenges the traditional belief in self-esteem by advocating for unconditional self-acceptance, explaining that it does not hinder personal growth but rather fosters a healthier emotional response to life's challenges. The video delves into the dangers of attaching self-worth to achievements and the benefits of accepting oneself regardless of external validation. It also discusses practical tools for implementing these philosophies, aiming to break the cycle of compulsive behaviors and promote a more balanced approach to self-worth.

Takeaways

• 📚 The video combines insights from two books: 'The Myth of Self-Esteem' and 'How to Start Really Living' to explore the concept of self-worth and its impact on mental health.
• 🤔 The speaker challenges the traditional notion of self-esteem, arguing that it's a myth and that self-worth should not be tied to achievements or societal perceptions.
• 🏋️‍♂️ An analogy is used to explain conditional self-acceptance, likening it to a fair game where hitting the bell is akin to achieving a temporary high of self-worth.
• 🔄 The video emphasizes the importance of detaching one's identity from specific roles or achievements to prevent emotional distress when those aspects of life change or end.
• 🧘‍♀️ Unconditional self-acceptance is introduced as a healthier alternative to self-esteem, suggesting that it allows for continued personal growth without the need for constant validation.
• 📉 The script discusses how self-esteem can be a 'sickness' that leads to emotional disturbances and hinders effective functioning in life.
• 💡 A key point is made that self-esteem is often based on irrational beliefs, such as the need to always be respected or accepted, which can lead to compulsive behaviors and unhealthy emotions.
• 📉 The video explains how the pursuit of self-esteem can lead to a cycle of dependence on external validation, which is unsustainable and can result in anxiety and depression.
• 🌱 The speaker advocates for a shift in belief systems, moving from the need for self-esteem to unconditional self-acceptance, which promotes healthier emotional responses and behaviors.
• 🤝 The importance of not letting the fear of what others think dictate one's self-worth is highlighted, encouraging viewers to focus on personal values and goals instead.
• 📚 The video concludes by promoting resources and services offered by OCD Recovery for further support in understanding and practicing unconditional self-acceptance.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the video?

The main theme of the video is to explore the concept of unconditional self-acceptance and to challenge the traditional notion of self-esteem as presented in two books: 'The Myth of Self-Esteem' and 'How to Start Really Living'.

What does the speaker claim about the relationship between self-esteem and emotional disturbances?

The speaker claims that self-esteem is often considered a sickness, as it can lead to emotional disturbances and is more subtle in its effects compared to hating others, which can lead to more dramatic outcomes like war.

Outlines

00:00

📚 Introduction to Self-Esteem Myths and Unconditional Self-Acceptance

The speaker introduces a video discussing the intersection of two books: 'The Myth of Self-Esteem' and 'How to Start, Really.' The purpose is to explore the concept of unconditional self-acceptance, debunking the myth of self-esteem and explaining why it's not a determinant of self-worth. The video aims to clarify misconceptions about self-esteem and its impact on mental health, using examples from the books, particularly focusing on pages 96 and 97. The analogy of a fair game is used to illustrate conditional self-acceptance, and the speaker emphasizes the importance of detaching one's identity from their achievements or failures.

05:02

🧘‍♂️ The Illusion of Self-Esteem and the Importance of Unconditional Self-Acceptance

This paragraph delves into the problems associated with self-esteem, such as attaching personal identity to achievements and failures. The speaker argues that people are not inherently good or bad but are viewed differently by others based on their actions. The paragraph also critiques the common belief in psychotherapy that self-worth is crucial for normal functioning, suggesting that unconditional self-acceptance is a healthier approach. The speaker introduces the concept of 'DIBs' (Dispute Irrational Beliefs) and 'ABCs' (Antecedent, Belief, Consequence) from the first book to dispute the irrational belief in the necessity of self-esteem.

10:02

🔄 The Cycle of Self-Esteem and the Path to Unconditional Acceptance

The speaker discusses the cycle of self-esteem, where people constantly seek validation and reassurance to maintain their self-worth. This cycle is linked to compulsive behaviors, avoidance, and unhealthy emotions. The paragraph challenges the need for self-esteem, questioning the evidence supporting the belief in its necessity and disputing its importance. The speaker advocates for moving towards unconditional self-acceptance, which allows for continued pursuit of goals without attachment to outcomes, leading to healthier emotions and behaviors.

15:05

🤝 The Impact of Societal Perceptions and the Journey to Self-Acceptance

In the final paragraph, the speaker addresses the societal focus on self-esteem and how it influences people's behavior and self-perception. They emphasize that while others' opinions are important, they should not be the sole determinant of one's self-worth. The speaker encourages viewers to embrace unconditional self-acceptance, which leads to healthier emotions and behaviors, and to engage with life fully, regardless of societal judgment. The video concludes with an invitation to learn more about webinar and coaching services offered by the speaker's organization.

Keywords

💡Self-Esteem

Self-esteem refers to the value and respect a person holds for themselves. In the video, it is described as a conditional form of self-acceptance that can be dangerous because it is often tied to external achievements or perceptions. The speaker argues that self-esteem is a myth and that the focus should be on unconditional self-acceptance instead, as it leads to healthier emotional responses and behaviors.

💡Unconditional Self-Acceptance

Unconditional self-acceptance is the concept of accepting oneself without conditions, regardless of achievements or failures. The video emphasizes that this does not mean giving up on goals but rather not defining one's worth by them. It is contrasted with conditional self-esteem, where self-worth is dependent on external validation or success.

💡Fear of Failure

Fear of failure is the apprehension of not achieving a desired outcome, which can lead to avoidance behaviors and emotional distress. In the context of the video, this fear is linked to the concept of self-esteem, where individuals may feel their worth is diminished by failure. The speaker suggests that moving away from this fear is part of embracing unconditional self-acceptance.

💡OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder)

OCD is a mental health disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts (obsessions) and repetitive behaviors (compulsions). The video script mentions different types of OCD, such as harm OCD and body dysmorphic disorder, as examples of conditions where individuals may have an exaggerated need for self-esteem as a form of reassurance against their fears.

💡Compulsive Behaviors

Compulsive behaviors are repetitive actions that an individual feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rigid rules. The video discusses how the need for constant self-esteem can lead to compulsive behaviors as individuals seek reassurance about their self-worth.

💡Avoidance Behaviors

Avoidance behaviors are actions taken to prevent the experience of distress or anxiety. In the video, avoidance is presented as a common response to the fear of failure or the loss of self-esteem, where individuals may avoid situations that could potentially lead to these outcomes.

💡Moral and Values

Moral and values are principles and standards of behavior that are considered right and desirable in a society or culture. The script discusses how individuals with OCD may have an irrational fear of losing their moral compass or values, which ties into the need for self-esteem as a form of reassurance.

💡Rational and Irrational Beliefs

Rational beliefs are logical and realistic, while irrational beliefs are not based on reason and can lead to emotional distress. The video contrasts these by discussing how irrational beliefs about the necessity of self-esteem can create a cycle of compulsive behaviors and unhealthy emotions, whereas rational beliefs can lead to healthier responses.

💡Emotional Disturbance

Emotional disturbance refers to a state of mental or emotional agitation that can be caused by various factors, including irrational beliefs or fears. The video mentions self-esteem as a potential source of emotional disturbance, especially when it is conditional and tied to external factors.

💡Philosophy of Acceptance

The philosophy of acceptance, as discussed in the video, involves embracing a mindset where one can tolerate and even find enjoyment in life's experiences, regardless of external opinions or outcomes. It is presented as an alternative to the pursuit of self-esteem, promoting a healthier approach to life's challenges.

💡Functional and Healthy Emotions

Functional and healthy emotions are natural responses to life events that do not impair an individual's ability to function effectively. The video contrasts these with maladaptive emotions like panic, anxiety, and depression, which can result from an unhealthy attachment to self-esteem. The speaker advocates for cultivating functional emotions through unconditional self-acceptance.

Highlights

The video combines principles from 'The Myth of Self-Esteem' and 'How to Start, Really', exploring the overlap and differences between the two books.

Unconditional self-acceptance is introduced as an alternative to self-esteem, emphasizing that it does not mean giving up on personal goals.

The speaker clarifies the misconception that unconditional self-acceptance equates to neglecting one's appearance or health.

An analogy of a fair game is used to illustrate the concept of conditional self-acceptance and its pitfalls.

The importance of detaching one's identity from temporary roles, like being a football player, to prevent emotional distress when those roles end.

The video discusses the idea that self-esteem is often considered a sickness, causing emotional disturbances and self-hatred.

The philosophical nature of 'The Myth of Self-Esteem' is contrasted with the practical exercises found in 'How to Start, Really'.

The concept of self-esteem is defined as rating oneself based on achievements and failures, which is problematic.

The video explains that labeling people as inherently good or bad doesn't make sense due to the variability of people's perceptions.

Psychotherapy is discussed as a field that often focuses on enhancing self-esteem, which the video argues is misguided.

Unconditional self-acceptance is presented as a healthier alternative to self-esteem, allowing for growth and resilience in the face of failure.

The video provides a method for disputing irrational beliefs about the need for self-esteem using a rational belief system.

Evidence questioning the need for self-esteem is explored, including the influence of societal perceptions and the unrealistic nature of being a 'good person'.

The video argues that moving away from self-esteem towards unconditional acceptance can lead to healthier emotions and behaviors.

The speaker shares personal insights on the process of adopting unconditional self-acceptance and its impact on compulsive behaviors and avoidance.

The video concludes by emphasizing the importance of not living one's life based solely on others' opinions, while acknowledging their influence.

Transcripts

hey everyone welcome back to OCD

recovery's YouTube channel I have

another educational video today where

I'm going to do something a little bit

different than I've done before I've

done individual videos on the third book

on the reading list which is the myth of

self-esteem and then the first book on

the reading list how to start really

refuse I'm actually going to combine the

two books explain why these books are

different but also have overlap take the

principles from the myth of self-esteem

how there's no such thing as good and

bad people only people who perform good

and bad acts break that down and use

live examples in this book from page 96

and 97 then how to make a carryover

because what I usually do in this book

is break down the fear of fear sensory

motor rocd harm OCD but I've never

specifically taught what kept the two

self-esteem specifically and and why

self-esteem is a myth and why Dr Albert

Ellis and myself and Rob and many other

people who follow his philosophy have

practice sit and realize that the

outcomes are much much better than

believing in self-esteem and I'm going

to show you how we do that so the goal

of this video is to teach you about

what is unconditional self-acceptance

we're going to stay with unconditional

self-acceptance and why that doesn't

mean you give up on your goals such as

maybe wanting to look a little bit

better you don't just grow your hair out

and become homeless looking you never go

to the gym and you'll gain 100 pounds of

pure body fat what you could do you

could still accept yourself but that's

the misinterpretation that many people

think so before I go any further Please

Subscribe hit that like button comment

down below I would love a lot of

Engagement in this video because I want

to know how many people think that

self-esteem is important

um and I'll explain in this video why I

think it's actually the least most

important thing when it comes to this

perception of self-worth

so many people have heard me use this

analogy when you go to a fair a county

fair or a boardwalk and everyone sees

that game where you take the hammer and

you bash it down you gotta hit the thing

it hits the Bell up top but when you hit

the top of the Bell right you hit the

hammer goes up ding ding ding everyone's

like whoa

that's the conditional self-acceptance

that's the perfect selfie that you think

you took the right quote the right

makeup the perfect wedding photos the

things that make you feel really good

that you've attached your self-worth to

which is absolutely dangerous and the

reason why it's dangerous and other

clear example is think about an athlete

think about an athlete who says I'm a

football player instead of I'm just a

person who plays football right now at

this junction junction in my life I also

do many other things that way when

Football goes away which ultimately will

just how myself with the body dysmorphia

in the bodybuilding

um you won't have the same physique now

that I have when I'm 90 you know if I

live that long and realizing that it's

just the thing I do right now detaching

that from the self that way when it goes

away I could be upset but I won't

crumble into depression and anxiety so

this book right here is in my opinion

the second best book I've ever read in

my life uh the first book I'm not

actually done with because it's uh Ray

Dalia's principles which I actually will

do a review on that book I think it will

be really good I don't know if I'll put

it on this channel but I'll I'll do a

review of it in the uh in the Facebook

group so this book basically breaks down

many many many different aspects about

self-esteem now self-esteem in the basic

senses I'm gonna get in shape in order

to prove myself I'm gonna do X to have Y

which means on the opposite side of that

if I don't get X if I don't get in shape

then I'm an idiot or I'm a loser if I

fail and if I don't if I don't fail a

business then I'll be happy if I fail in

business I'm a failure instead of I

would prefer to not fail in business and

if I do it just means I failed this one

particular thing so the introduction is

called a self-esteem of sickness is

self-esteem a sickness that's according

to the way you define it and the usual

Way It Is defined by people and by

people that work with self-esteem that

it's probably the greatest emotional

disturbance known to man or woman even

greater than hating other people which

seems somewhat worse but is perhaps a

little bit better why does hating and

damning other people seem worse than

self-esteem which almost always leads

back to self-hatred well it obviously

results in fighting acting against war

and genocide pretty dramatic while

self-hatred produces more subtle results

like despising yourself but not

necessarily committing suicide living

what you're self-linvesting let me spend

some time trying to clearly Define

self-esteem and diss self-esteem this

won't be easy since definitions have

been vague and overlapping for the past

Century but for the purpose of the book

this is where I'll go

self-esteem you rate yourself you're

being your personality your essence and

totality in terms of two main goals

you're achieving success or

Effectiveness in your accomplishments

your school your work and your projects

when you succeed in getting what you

want and avoid by what you don't want

you say that is good that's great but

you also rate yourself and say I'm a

good person when you fail to satisfy

your achievement goals this is bad and

I'm a bad person and the reason why this

is a problem is because you're attaching

the self the person to that to your to

to yourself I mean you're you're I mean

you're attaching your failures and

achievements to yourself and that's not

what's happening you're just a person

with thousands

of different character traits in

different times and different scenarios

under different stressors you're not the

person that you think you are in

totality so when people say you know I'm

a bad person maybe they have a harm fee

or a pocd fear or a cheating fear they

would say I could never accept myself

and that's because the ACT they believe

is completely defined to the self but

it's not people commit asks for a

plethora of different reasons fear of

losing control that's a big one

psychosis that's a big one genetics

lifestyle factors being pushed to the

edge the reality is as [ __ ] happens in

life and to to to label someone as

inherently good and bad people doesn't

make a lot of sense when you can talk to

a hundred people someone performs an act

and all 100 people won't view them as

good maybe 80 view them as good maybe 10

view them as bad and 10 are indifferent

and then if you ask a hundred different

people that might switch around in the

ratio so it doesn't make a lot of sense

so chapter four is the most important

chapter in this book in our opinion it's

the chapter that we we talk about in in

the webinars a lot and that's

Psychotherapy and the value of a human

almost all modern authorities in

Psychotherapy believe that people's

estimation of their own work value worth

is exceptionally important and if they

seriously go against themselves or have

a poor self-image they will impair their

normal functioning and make themselves

miserable in many significant ways

consequently one of the main functions

of this is usually held to enhance

people's individual self-respect ego

strength self-confidence self-esteem and

self-growth they frequently will focus

so intensely on what the rotten person

they are when they don't reach their

goals that they will distract themselves

from problem solving and will be become

increasingly inefficient so this book is

the basis of how you actually learn

unconditional self-acceptance and

unconditional self-acceptance again

doesn't mean you don't have goals and

you don't have aspirations but when

those goals are not reached and you

reach failures as you ultimately will

Ray dalio in his book principles has a

very good chart it's very interesting

similar to OCD recovery where it

basically is this looping pattern that

goes backwards and always continually

goes up but it always is going backwards

and that is mistakes and failures

redirecting going forward mistakes and

failures redirecting going forward and

that's where real growth happens growth

is happening from changing your belief

systems growth is happening from not

setting your writing yourself off as a

human so that was the first part of this

book now I want to take these tools

and I want to implement them into page

96 and 97. the reason why I like this

book a little bit more is it's more

practical and a motive in the exercises

that it gives you this book is very

philosophical it's not a light book it's

you know 300 and you know 50 pages with

the index but it's a very philosophical

book also side note reading this book is

an exposure for people who have fears of

not concentrating people say I can't

understand it you're not going to have

it all locked down you'll probably have

to go back and read this a couple times

so this is the dib sheet from the first

book it looks like this is a 98 and 97

where there's filled in the 96 and 97

are the ones I filled in myself but I'm

actually going to fill in self-esteem in

the myth of self-esteem into this

example and then that's where we're

going to go just realize I have a drop

how great so Briefly summarize the

situation as objectively as possible and

that would be a lack of self-esteem

right a lack of self-esteem a lack of

self-worth self-pity putting yourself

down

so whether the belief systems that we

hold that hold us back those irrational

beliefs so I must have great self-esteem

I must be well respected I must be well

accepted it's awful and terrible to have

to to always have other people put me

down it's awful and terrible to have

people call me a bad person okay I can't

stand not knowing whether I'm a good

person or not I can't stand not knowing

if I don't have True Values and true

morals there's no such thing as true

values and morals your morals and your

six are different from your morals now

your morals and values at 90 might be

different from me at 32 and vice versa

there's no such thing as the true self

we break that down uh pretty clearly in

many different videos and self-downing

this is where the I'm a bad person I'm

worthless you know life isn't worth

living etc etc and what happens is that

perceived notion of needing self-esteem

which then keeps you in that that cycle

that hamster wheel cycle of compulsive

behaviors of avoidance behaviors

unhealthy emotions that's where the

severe Panic comes in the anxiety the

depression and all these other

maladaptive behaviors that we do social

avoidance not taking care of yourself

not resting being aggressive not just

assertive but being angry now that is

how most people think

and what happens is you know most people

it's funny the illusion is so clear and

all this is a work in progress for life

you know you're standing on this trap

door and you have a rope in your hand

and you pull the rope in some pride

shoots up and you go and then you fall

to the trapdoor you fall and you're like

whoa where am I and that's that

self-esteem coming back down which

constantly needs to be replenished the

only people that could hold a high level

of self-esteem are people who are super

highly respected never make mistakes and

they're basically perfect which nobody

like that exists and even the people

that we think exist like that eventually

do crumble usually and that's okay

so now that we have our a plus b equals

c a rational belief system based around

self-esteem now let's actually go

through and dispute that where is

holding this dire belief this black and

white belief about needing self-esteem

getting me well it's getting me nowhere

because my OCD cycle was continuing

whether it's religious OCD harm OCD pocd

false memory real venosity anything

where there's a fear of losing a value

or a moral which is where self-esteem

usually needs to be constantly proven

and then that's where the cycle

continues you're constantly looking for

reassurance you're constantly checking

if you're a good or bad person you're

constantly automatically ruminating

primarily automatic because the fear is

still high et cetera et cetera so where

is the evidence to support my irrational

belief that that I need to be a good

person well the need to be a good person

is based off other people's perceptions

if other people had no belief systems

about good and bad people more than

likely these fears wouldn't stick

because people are very afraid of what

Society will think about them and

agreement doesn't mean acceptance Kirsty

did a great video on that if you go to

our playlist Channel acceptance search

for that it will come up really good

is it really awful

okay is it really awful to not have

great perceived self-esteem well when

you start moving away from self-esteem

and towards unconditional acceptance you

realize you could do so many great

things while still being upset when you

don't reach your goals maybe you don't

reach your body image goal but it's not

attached to the self and that's the key

when you look at these other famous

people and YouTube and Instagram and

Tick Tock and reels and they're crying

and they're screaming about why you need

to live up to certain things that is

purely conditional and that's why it

affects them so much because they're so

irrational about these statements

can I really not stand always being the

best of something can I really not stand

being rejected by other people well of

course we could stand it because people

are rejected by other people much more

than they're actually accepted when we

walk past people in the street when say

we're wearing an outfit we don't know

what people are saying about us when I'm

in the gym lifting a certain way someone

could be looking at me saying you know

that person's a [ __ ] what an idiot oh

my God his clothes are so stupid Oh my

God he wears high knee socks in these in

these deadlifting shoes yeah I do that

you know we don't know what people are

saying about us and when you actually

move over to your effective New

Philosophy which is the most important

part where your your new belief systems

are being formed now just because you

have this new belief system now doesn't

mean you're going to feel better in the

moment but you know I would want to do

well but I don't have to I would like to

be accepted slash respected but I don't

need to okay it may be bad or

unfortunate to not be respect

combined with the word respected and

accepted but I can still enjoy many

things that people you know don't want

to be around me okay even in jail even

in jail

I don't like it but I can stand it and I

can still enjoy many things and then

what happens is in time as you practice

this as you bring down your compulsions

as you bring down your avoidance

behaviors and as you move towards a

greater sense of unconditional

self-acceptance this starts to make a

little bit more sense the pieces start

to fall together a little bit better

okay and then this leads to your new

functional and uh a functional healthy

emotions your new C so no longer do you

have uh Panic anxiety depression

chronicness addictions to avoid now you

have healthy concern disappointment

healthy anger and annoyance sad healthy

concern for relationships healthy sorrow

and healthy envy and you have these new

behaviors such as meeting friends and

going out and trying new things even if

you fail and people think you're stupid

okay exercising you assertive behaviors

you're not yelling at people to get your

point across not trying to prove

yourself all the time over and over and

over again

so most people live their entire lives

based on what other people think about

them and what other people think about

you matters a lot it matters for

business it matters you know or else no

one's business would be successful but

the problem is is everyone attaches that

to the self and that's the key I hope

you guys enjoyed this video

um it was really cool to put these two

books together if you're interested in

our webinar services please email info

ocdrecovery.com you can ask about the

webinar services and the coaching

Services we have one-on-one coaching and

that gives you access to the WhatsApp

groups thank you so much again if you're

looking for these books it's at

ocdrecovery.com underneath the resource

Tab and looking forward to talking to

you guys in the comments thank you so

much and as always have a great day