The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - Summarized by the Author

Summary

In this video, Mark Manson, the bestselling author of 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck,' delivers a chapter-by-chapter breakdown of his book, challenging conventional self-help advice. He emphasizes the importance of embracing negative experiences and uncertainty, taking responsibility for one's struggles, and understanding the value of suffering. Manson's candid narration, infused with humor and profanity, offers a contrarian perspective on success, happiness, and the human condition.

Takeaways

• 📚 The book 'The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck' is about focusing on what truly matters and questioning cultural definitions of success.
• ❗ The central theme is that negativity can lead to positivity, and it's important to accept negative experiences to achieve positive ones.
• 👨‍🏫 Chapter one introduces the 'backwards law,' suggesting that the pursuit of positive experiences can be negative, while accepting negative experiences can be positive.
• 💡 Chapter two discusses how negative emotions have evolutionary value and can be useful signals that help us navigate life.
• 🚫 In Chapter three, the concept of entitlement is explored, highlighting the importance of recognizing that success involves traversing negative experiences.
• 🧭 Chapter four introduces the importance of values and how having the wrong goals or values can lead to wasted effort, regardless of discipline or motivation.
• 📝 Chapter five emphasizes the idea of always choosing your problems and struggles, and that taking responsibility is crucial for personal growth.
• 🔍 Chapter six discusses the value of uncertainty and how embracing it can prevent extreme beliefs and open up opportunities for learning and growth.
• 📉 Chapter seven, 'Failure Is The Way Forward,' stresses that failure is a key component of success and introduces the 'Do Something' principle to generate motivation through action.
• 👥 Chapter eight highlights the importance of saying no and managing conflict in relationships, advocating for setting boundaries and committing to core values.
• ⚰️ Chapter nine uses the concept of death to clarify what truly matters in life, suggesting that regularly contemplating mortality can help prioritize values and actions.

Q & A

What is the main argument of Mark Manson's book 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck'?

The main argument of the book is that one must care about something in order to live a meaningful life. It challenges the notion of not caring about things and instead posits that the key question is what one chooses to care about and why.

How does Manson view the self-help industry's approach to values and success?

Manson criticizes the self-help industry for assuming a universal definition of success and values, such as material wealth or a perfect family life. He believes that these cultural definitions may not fit everyone and that true progress in life involves questioning these assumptions and determining one's own values and goals.

What is the 'Backwards Law' as mentioned by Manson in his book?

The 'Backwards Law,' derived from Alan Watts, suggests that the pursuit of positive experiences can lead to negative outcomes. It implies that the more one tries to feel better all the time, the less satisfied they become, as the pursuit itself reinforces the feeling of lack.

What are the three subtleties of not giving a fuck as outlined by Manson?

The three subtleties are: 1) Not giving a fuck does not mean being indifferent; it means being comfortable with being different. 2) To not give a fuck about adversity, one must first give a fuck about something more important than adversity. 3) People are always choosing what to give a fuck about, whether they realize it or not.

How does Manson define happiness in relation to problem-solving?

Manson defines happiness as coming from solving problems. He suggests that happiness is not about avoiding negative emotions or situations but rather about finding and addressing meaningful challenges in life.

What is the concept of entitlement as discussed by Manson, and how does it relate to suffering?

Entitlement is defined as the feeling that one deserves to be happy without having to sacrifice for it. Manson argues that this belief can lead to suffering because it causes people to expect positive experiences without the necessary negative experiences that often precede them.

What is the significance of the story about Hiroo Onada in Manson's discussion on values?

The story of Hiroo Onada, a Japanese soldier who continued fighting World War II long after it ended, illustrates the point that even with discipline, motivation, and strength, having the wrong goal or value can lead to a meaningless struggle.

What are the characteristics of good and bad values according to Manson?

Good values are reality-based, socially constructive, and immediate and controllable. Bad values are superstitious, socially destructive, and not immediate or controllable.

How does Manson explain the importance of choosing our struggles in our lives?

Manson argues that we are always choosing our struggles, whether we acknowledge it or not. He believes that when we feel we are choosing our problems, they become more acceptable and easier to deal with, as opposed to when we feel problems are forced upon us without control.

What is Manson's perspective on the relationship between certainty and personal growth?

Manson suggests that certainty can be limiting and potentially harmful. He posits that being open to uncertainty allows for personal growth, learning, and improved relationships, as it prevents one from becoming a zealot for a particular belief or ideology.

What is the 'Do Something' principle that Manson introduces in his book?

The 'Do Something' principle is a simple yet powerful approach to overcoming inaction. It suggests that by taking the smallest step or doing something, no matter how insignificant it may seem, one can start to make progress and find motivation, which in turn can lead to further action.

How does Manson discuss the importance of saying no in relationships?

Manson argues that the ability to say no is fundamental to setting boundaries and maintaining healthy relationships. He suggests that being able to express one's values and priorities, even if it means disappointing others, is essential for a strong and trusting relationship.

What is the hidden freedom Manson talks about in the context of commitment?

Manson discusses that by committing to a few things that one truly cares about, one can experience a new form of freedom. This freedom comes from not having to worry about things that are not aligned with one's core values and priorities, allowing for an abundance of mental space to focus on what truly matters.

How does Manson connect the concept of death with finding meaning in life?

Manson believes that confronting death or the idea of one's own mortality can be a powerful tool for clarifying what is truly important in life. He suggests that by regularly considering our own death, we can better understand our values and make more meaningful choices in our lives.

Outlines

00:00

📚 Introduction to a Self-Help Masterpiece

Mark Manson, the best-selling author of 'The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck', introduces his book with a humorous and contrarian approach. He clarifies that contrary to popular belief, the book isn't about apathy but rather about valuing the right things in life. Manson challenges the traditional self-help narrative by arguing that cultural definitions of success may not fit everyone and emphasizes the importance of aligning one's values with their goals. He also introduces the 'backwards law', a concept by Alan Watts, suggesting that the pursuit of positive experiences can lead to dissatisfaction, while acceptance of negative experiences can be fulfilling.

05:01

🤔 The Philosophy of 'Not Giving a Fuck'

In this section, Manson delves into the nuances of his central theme, explaining that 'not giving a fuck' is not about indifference but about being comfortable with being different. He argues that it's impossible to care about nothing and that caring about a few important things can alleviate the stress caused by trivial matters. Manson also discusses the importance of caring about something more significant than adversity and the inherent choice in what we decide to care about. He uses the 'give a fuck framework' to illustrate these concepts, setting the stage for the rest of the book.

10:02

😌 Redefining Happiness and Suffering

Manson challenges the modern conception of happiness, using the story of Buddha to discuss the inevitability of suffering and the value of negative emotions. He argues that dissatisfaction and anxiety have evolutionary purposes and are essential for survival. The 'hedonic treadmill' concept is introduced to illustrate the futile pursuit of constant happiness. Instead, Manson proposes that happiness arises from solving problems and finding meaning in challenges, advocating for the acceptance of negative emotions as signals to take action.

15:04

🛑 Choosing Your Struggle

This paragraph focuses on the importance of choosing one's struggles in life. Manson suggests that rather than asking what we want out of life, we should consider what pain we are willing to endure and what we are willing to struggle for, as these choices shape our lives significantly. He emphasizes that everyone desires happiness and success, but the more intriguing question is about the hardships we are prepared to face in pursuit of our goals.

20:06

🚫 The Myth of Specialness

Manson tackles the concept of entitlement and the belief that one deserves happiness without effort. He uses the story of 'Jimmy' to illustrate how this entitlement can lead to destructive behaviors. The chapter differentiates between two forms of entitlement: grandiose narcissism and victim narcissism, both resulting in self-absorption and an unhealthy sense of deserving special treatment. Manson criticizes the culture of exceptionalism perpetuated by social media and consumerism, advocating for a more realistic and humble self-perception.

25:08

💪 The Value of Suffering and Struggle

The chapter transitions from discussing the desire for positive experiences to the importance of values and sacrifices. Manson uses the story of Hiroo Onada, a Japanese soldier who continued fighting World War II long after it ended, to emphasize the importance of having the right goals and values. He introduces the concept of good and bad values, suggesting that good values are reality-based, socially constructive, and controllable, while bad values are superstitious, destructive, and not immediate or controllable.

30:08

🏃‍♂️ The Inescapable Choice of Struggle

Manson explores the idea that we are always making choices, even when we are not consciously aware of them. He uses the example of running a marathon, either forced by a hypothetical mafia threat or chosen for personal achievement, to illustrate that the perception of pain changes based on the context of our choices. The chapter argues that acknowledging our inherent choice in every situation can lead to greater comfort with pain and motivate us to take action.

35:08

🤨 Questioning Certainty and Embracing Uncertainty

This chapter encourages questioning our beliefs and embracing uncertainty. Manson uses a thought experiment about past scientific beliefs to highlight how our current convictions may seem absurd in the future. He discusses the arbitrary nature of belief formation and the dangers of certainty, using a personal story about a cyberstalker with unshakable beliefs. The chapter promotes the benefits of uncertainty, such as openness to learning, resistance to extremism, and improved relationships.

📉 The Power of Failure and the Do Something Principle

Manson presents failure as a stepping stone to success, sharing stories of Picasso's failures and the theories of Kazimierz Dabrowski. He introduces the 'Do Something' principle, a simple yet powerful approach to overcoming obstacles by taking action, even when unsure of the entire path forward. The chapter argues that action leads to motivation, not the other way around, and that taking small steps can lead to significant progress.

🚫 The Art of Saying No and Embracing Rejection

The chapter focuses on the importance of setting boundaries and saying no in relationships. Manson argues that the ability to reject is essential for prioritizing values and achieving a sense of freedom. He discusses the concept of commitment and how fully committing to a few important things in life can lead to a paradoxical sense of liberation from the pressures of keeping all options open.

💀 Confronting Mortality and Finding Meaning

In the final chapter, Manson reflects on the transformative power of confronting death. He shares a personal experience of losing a friend and how it led to a profound understanding of what truly matters in life. The chapter suggests that contemplating our mortality can clarify our values and life goals, advocating for regular reflection on our own death as a means to live a more meaningful life.

Keywords

💡Self-help

Self-help refers to a genre of literature and guidance that focuses on personal development and self-improvement. In the video, Mark Manson critiques traditional self-help by arguing that it often assumes a uniform definition of success and does not encourage individuals to question their own values and goals. The script mentions that Manson's book is intentionally contrarian to the self-help industry, aiming to provoke thought about what one should 'give a fuck about' in life.

💡Values

Values are the principles and standards that guide an individual's behavior and decision-making. Manson emphasizes the importance of identifying and pursuing one's own values rather than accepting societal norms. He suggests that understanding what one truly cares about is central to leading a meaningful life, as illustrated by his discussion on what kinds of goals one should have.

💡Adversity

Adversity refers to difficulties or challenges that one faces in life. The script discusses the importance of not giving a fuck about adversity, meaning not being overly concerned or defeated by it. Manson suggests that one should care about something more significant than the adversity itself, which helps to put the challenges into perspective.

💡Entitlement

Entitlement is the belief that one inherently deserves privileges or special treatment. Manson uses the story of a character named Jimmy to illustrate the negative consequences of feeling entitled to happiness without the necessary sacrifices. This concept ties into the broader theme of the video, which is about the importance of confronting life's difficulties rather than expecting an easy path to success.

💡Happiness

Happiness, in the context of the video, is challenged as a singular goal. Manson argues that the pursuit of constant happiness can lead to dissatisfaction, and instead, he suggests that happiness comes from solving problems and overcoming challenges. The script introduces the idea that negative emotions and experiences have a purpose and can lead to positive outcomes.

💡Responsibility

Responsibility is the state or fact of being accountable for one's actions or decisions. Manson discusses the concept of always choosing and taking responsibility for one's struggles, emphasizing that every problem in life is chosen in some way, even if indirectly. This idea encourages viewers to recognize their agency in shaping their experiences.

💡Uncertainty

Uncertainty represents a state of being unsure or insecure about something. In the script, Manson promotes the benefits of embracing uncertainty, suggesting that it allows for growth, learning, and open-mindedness. He contrasts this with the dangers of certainty, which can lead to inflexibility and irrational beliefs.

💡Failure

Failure is the inability to meet a desired objective or target. Manson reframes failure as a necessary part of success, suggesting that experiencing failure can provide valuable lessons and lead to eventual achievement. The script uses various examples to illustrate that failure should not be feared but rather seen as a stepping stone on the path to success.

💡Saying No

Saying no refers to the act of expressing disagreement or refusal. In the context of relationships, Manson discusses the importance of being able to say no as a means of setting boundaries and maintaining healthy dynamics. The script suggests that the ability to reject certain things is crucial for prioritizing what truly matters in one's life.

💡Commitment

Commitment is the act of pledging or binding oneself to a course of action. Manson explores the idea that committing to a few key values or priorities can provide a sense of freedom and focus. The script contrasts the perceived limitation of commitment with the actual freedom it brings by allowing one to disregard distractions and concentrate on what is truly important.

💡Death

Death is the end of life, and in the video, it serves as a philosophical tool to clarify what is most important in life. Manson discusses how contemplating mortality can help individuals prioritize their values and actions, ensuring that they live a life aligned with their true desires and without unnecessary regrets.

Highlights

Mark Manson, the author of 'The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck', provides his own summary of the book, emphasizing the importance of genuine values and contrarian thinking to the self-help industry.

The book argues that one must care about something, and the key question is identifying what and why you truly care about it.

Manson challenges the self-help industry's assumptions about universal success and encourages readers to question cultural definitions of success.

The 'backwards law' is introduced, suggesting that the pursuit of positive experiences can lead to negative outcomes, while accepting negative experiences can be positive.

The 'give a fuck' framework is presented, explaining that not giving a fuck isn't about indifference but comfort with being different.

Adversity is something you should not give a fuck about if you care about something more important.

Manson discusses the evolutionary purpose of negative emotions and how they serve as signals for action and improvement.

The chapter 'Happiness Is A Problem' explores the idea that happiness is not a constant state but a result of solving problems.

The concept of entitlement is critiqued through personal stories, showing how it leads to destructive behaviors.

The chapter 'You Are Not Special' argues against the cultural push for exceptionalism and the entitlement it breeds.

The importance of choosing our struggles and the impact of our attitude towards them is discussed in chapter five.

Manson's law of avoidance is introduced, explaining how certainty can lead to avoidance of truths that threaten our identity.

The chapter 'Failure Is The Way Forward' uses stories of Picasso and others to illustrate that failure is a necessary part of success.

The 'Do Something' principle is presented as a method to overcome inaction and create momentum towards goals.

The ability to say no is highlighted as crucial for maintaining healthy boundaries and relationships.

Commitment is discussed as providing a hidden freedom by allowing one to focus on what truly matters.

The final chapter uses the concept of mortality to clarify what is truly meaningful in life and encourages regular reflection on death.

Transcripts

- What's up everybody, Mark Manson here,

number one New York Times Bestselling Author

of "The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck."

It's funny, I was actually looking around YouTube and Google

and I found that dozens of people

have posted summaries of my book.

Well, fuck you.

If there's gonna be a summary of the book,

it should come from the master non fuck giver himself, moi.

So gather around children, prepare yourselves

as I take you chapter by chapter through

this modern self-help masterpiece.

(upbeat rock music)

So, before I actually get into the book

and kind of summarize each chapter in a few minutes,

I wanna zoom out a little bit and just tell you briefly

what my goal is by writing this book.

First of all, contrary to most people's perceptions,

the book is not about not caring about things.

In fact, it's about the opposite of that.

It's essentially, it makes the argument that

you have to give a fuck about something.

Therefore, the most important question is,

what are you giving a fuck about and why?

Now, that's a pretty cute little concept on the surface

and I think it's why a lot of people bought the book

or enjoyed the book initially, but my goal with this book

is that, it's essentially a book about values.

I very intentionally wanted to be contrarian

to the self-help industry.

Most self-help takes for granted what your values are,

it takes for granted what your definition of success is.

It assumes you want a big mansion and a fancy car

and a perfect marriage with three and a half kids

and a guitar shaped swimming pool.

Most self-help books just assume that

we all want the same thing.

Whereas in my book, I wanted to point out

that a lot of these cultural definitions of success,

a lot of these cultural values

may not be the right fit for us

and so, the real important question of getting ahead in life

or improving our lives is not necessarily figuring out

how to accomplish every single goal we have,

it's more in asking,

what sorts of goals should we have in the first place?

What sorts of things should we give a fuck about?

So you'll see, as we go through it,

that there are a lot of points in the book

where I'm very intentionally contradicting

most typical self-help advice.

Part of this, I'm doing for effect,

it's to grab people's attention

and to make them think a little bit more critically

about some of their assumptions

but some of it is legitimate.

Some of it I do strongly believe is more correct

than the general self-help advice out there.

So without further ado, let's get into it.

Chapter one, Don't Try.

I start the book off with a story about Charles Bukowski.

He was a very famous fiction and poetry writer

but he was a total drunk, he was a lowlife,

he was in and out of prison, he had drug problems,

he had prostitute problems,

I mean, he was just a total mess.

I actually wanted to open the book with him

because he is kind of a counter-argument

to most of the examples that you see in books like this.

You know, you're used to opening a book

about how to improve your life and seeing a story

about like Steve Jobs or Elon Musk or something like that

and I wanted to start with Bukowski

'cause it shows that you can actually become

conventionally successful in life despite yourself.

You can become successful

while seemingly doing all of the wrong things

and committing all of the biggest errors.

So, even beginning on the first page,

I'm starting to undermine the reader's assumed definition

of what success is or what is a good life

or a desirable life for themselves.

Now, the big idea to take away from chapter one

and this is the most underlying thing in the book

and one of the most underlying things on Amazon Kindle ever

is something called the backwards law

and the backwards law originally comes from Alan Watts,

but I rephrase it in my own way and I say that,

the pursuit of positive experience

is itself a negative experience

and the acceptance of a negative experience

is itself a positive experience.

So I go on and give a number of examples

of the backwards law.

I say that, "The idea is that,

the more that you pursue feeling better all the time,

the less satisfied you become,

as pursuing something only reinforces the fact

that you lack it in the first place.

The more desperately you want to be rich,

the more poor and unworthy you will feel,

regardless of how much money you have.

The more desperately you want to be sexy and desired,

the uglier you will come to see yourself

regardless of your actual physical appearance.

The more you desperately want to be happy and loved,

the lonelier and more afraid you will become,

regardless of those who surround you.

The more you wish to be spiritually enlightened,

the more self-centered and shallow you become

in trying to get there."

I then follow that up with,

"It's like that one time I tripped on acid

and it felt like the more I walked towards the house,

the farther away the house got from me."

(laughs) It was good times, good times.

So the backwards law introduces the central theme

of the book, which is that

negativity is actually the path to positivity.

Most people's assumption is, they just want

the positive experiences from life,

but it's actually the tolerance and acceptance

of the negative experience

that leads to the positive experience

and I will end up spending pretty much the entire book

expanding upon this.

So, I go on to finish chapter one

by introducing the give a fuck framework

and I have three subtleties of not giving a fuck.

So subtlety number one is, not giving a fuck

does not mean being indifferent,

it means being comfortable with being different.

One point that I make throughout the book

and I dispel very early on is that,

indifference is impossible.

If you give a fuck about nothing, then you are giving a fuck

about giving a fuck about nothing.

It is impossible to not give a fuck about something.

Therefore, the question is, what do you give a fuck about?

And kind of the conclusion that arises is that,

if you give a fuck about a few very important things,

then the small things cease to bother you so much.

Subtlety number two is, to not give a fuck about adversity,

you must first give a fuck about something

more important than adversity.

So if you're always worrying about what people think

about you, the problem is not what people think about you,

the problem is you don't have anything

better to worry about.

If you're always worried about how much money you have,

the problem is not how much money you have,

the problem is that you don't have anything

better to worry about.

Subtlety number three, whether you realize it or not,

you are always choosing what to give a fuck about.

This concept of choosing will come back

in force in chapter five,

pretty much the entire chapter is about it.

All right, so that's chapter one,

kind of lays the groundwork, starts off very contrarian,

drops a lot of F bombs,

a lot of people like that, some people don't.

Chapter two is called, Happiness Is A Problem.

So chapter two opens up with the story of the Buddha

and focuses on the central Buddhist doctrine of Dukkha

or the fact that life is suffering,

that no matter what you do, where you go,

who you hang out with, what you pursue,

there is some facet of suffering associated with it

simply because our mind becomes attached to things

and attachment leads to suffering.

But instead of kind of going down the Buddhist rabbit hole

with it, I take it off in another direction

and I explain, I say, you know,

it's not like we're doomed to suffer,

it's that suffering has a certain evolution

or usefulness to it.

Like if you think about evolution

over the course of hundreds of thousands of years,

a creature that is happy all the time,

that creature is not gonna survive.

It's actually the creature that is a little bit dissatisfied

all the time, a little bit anxious all the time,

a little bit paranoid, a little bit pissed off

at the people around them,

like that's the creature that's gonna do the most work

to actually survive and replicate.

I think this modern idea that we shouldn't have

to feel bad ever is completely misguided.

Not only is it misguided, but it goes against

our evolutionary nature, our genetic nature.

Negative emotions have an inherent purpose to them

and they help us and so, a lot of this chapter

is describing how now a lot of the anxiety

that we wish to escape from

or the anger we wish to overcome,

these emotions are actually signals

within our body to do something.

They are important signals and if we ignore them

or if we train ourselves to ignore them,

then we are actually limiting ourselves in a lot of ways.

I also talk about a psychology concept

called the hedonic treadmill,

this idea that happiness is, it's like a treadmill.

It's like, you know, you think,

if I get a boat, I'll be happy and then you get the boat

and it's like, you've got to pay docking fees

and you're like, man, if I could just find a better dock,

I'd be happy and then you find a better dock.

Then you realize that none of your friends

want to drive out to that new dock.

You're like, man, if I could just have some friends

to hang out on my boat, then I'd be happy

and then you get friends on your boat

but then they get too drunk and they fall overboard

and you have to like throw in life preservers and save them

and call the coast guard and you're like, man,

if I didn't have to call the coast guard, then I'd be happy

and it's like, happiness, it's like this carrot

always dangling in front of you, no matter what you do.

So if the point of chapter one is to kind of undermine

our expectations about positive and negative experience,

chapter two's point is to undermine our expectations

about positive and negative emotion.

Negative emotions have a lot of utility,

they have a lot of purpose, they help us,

they grant us meaning in a lot of situations

and they signal to us that we have challenges

or problems that must be overcome.

Happiness, happiness is great, we all wanna be happy.

It's not the only thing in life,

there are bad forms of happiness.

Doing cocaine all day, that'll make you happy for a while,

doesn't mean you should go do it.

Serial killers seem to be very pleased with themselves

while they're killing people over and over again,

doesn't mean they should do it.

The emotions themselves are not necessarily good or bad,

it's the context around them, it's the meaning around them

and so, I ended up kind of creating this framework

where I say that, happiness comes from solving problems.

If you either pretend you have no problems

in your life to solve, then you won't be happy.

But if you also have problems in your life

that you feel you can't solve, then you won't be happy.

So kind of the secret sauce is finding problems

that you kind of want to have, or kind of enjoy having

and that's how I wrap up the chapter

with a section called, Choose Your Struggle.

Now, I'll actually read the first couple paragraphs

of that section 'cause it's one of the most

important sections of the book

and it's resonated with a lot of people.

So, "If I ask you, 'what do you want out of your life?'

And you say something like, I want to be happy

and have a great family and a job I like,

your response is so common and expected

that it doesn't mean anything.

Everybody enjoys what feels good.

Everybody wants to live a carefree, happy and easy life,

to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships,

to look perfect and make lots of money

and be popular and well-respected and admired.

Everybody wants that, it's easy to want that.

A more interesting question,

a question that most people never consider is,

'what pain do I want in my life?'

'What am I willing to struggle for?'

Because that actually seems to be a greater determinant

of how our lives turn out."

Fucking sweet.

All right, chapter three, one of my favorite chapters,

You Are Not Special.

You're not, nobody is.

So you are not special, it opens up with a story

of a guy I knew named Jimmy.

Jimmy is actually, he's kind of a composite

of two different people I knew, but Jimmy is basically,

he's a con man essentially, like pathological liar,

schemer, bullshit artist, 24/7 salesman.

I knew him for about a year in my mid twenties

back when I was starting my first business

and he was starting a number of businesses too

and the dude, he was just a grifter.

Total life, wasted money left, right and center

and so, I tell this story about Jimmy

and I use him as an example for a concept

I introduce of entitlement.

I define entitlement in the book

as feeling as though you deserve to be happy

without sacrificing for it.

It's basically that idea of believing you deserve

to have positive experiences without traversing

the negative experiences to get there.

I spend much of this chapter pointing out

both from stories about Jimmy,

but also stories of me being a dickhead in my own life,

that it's this belief that we shouldn't have to go through

the negative and only have the positive that causes us

to adopt many destructive and selfish behaviors.

So, the middle of the chapter is the story about

how I got arrested for selling drugs.

If you wanna hear about that, you should buy the book.

So, here you go, there are two forms of entitlement.

Form number one is, I'm awesome

and the rest of you all suck.

Therefore, I deserve to have special treatment.

Form number two is, I suck in the rest of you are awesome,

so I deserve special treatment.

So in the psychological research,

this is known as grandiose narcissism

versus victim narcissism and it's basically,

they seem to be opposites on the surface,

like one person thinks he's better than everybody

and then the other person thinks he's worse than everybody

but the behavior ends up being the same

because both people have delusional beliefs

about their place in the status hierarchy.

One person thinks he's at the top,

one person thinks he's at the bottom

but the behavior ends up being the same.

They end up being completely self-absorbed,

they think everything in the world

should be altered and catered to them

and yeah, they just become unbearable to be around

and so, I spend much of this chapter,

probably the second half of this chapter

describing how the growing culture of exceptionalism,

particularly with social media, consumer culture,

things like that, they're always pushing us individually.

Like if you think of beer commercials

or like, the way Facebook algorithms are designed,

like everything is designed to make you feel

like you're the most special fucking person on the planet

and my argument is that,

that is actually mentally and socially unhealthy

because that drives an attitude

and a feeling of entitlement.

It creates delusional beliefs that

you are somehow the exception,

that the world owes you something,

that everything should be rearranged

to cater to your desires and your happiness,

that you should be able to have positive experiences

without accepting the negative.

I close out the chapter by using a metaphor

that I really like, I'll just read a couple of paragraphs.

"All of this quote, 'every person can be extraordinary

and achieve greatness' stuff

is basically just jerking off your ego.

It's a message that tastes good going down

but in reality, is nothing more than empty calories

that make you emotionally fat and bloated,

the proverbial Big Mac for your heart and your brain.

The ticket to emotional health,

like that to physical health,

comes from eating your veggies,

that is accepting the bland and mundane truths of life.

Truths such as, your actions actually don't matter

that much in the grand scheme of things

and the vast majority of your life

will be boring and not noteworthy, and that's okay.

This vegetable course will taste bad at first, very bad,

but once ingested, your body will wake up

feeling more potent and alive."

So, that was chapter three.

Chapter four, The Value of Suffering.

So in my mind, the book is actually kind of in two parts,

even though I didn't divide it into two parts.

The first three chapters are very much about this desire

for positive experience and unwillingness to sacrifice

or go through the negative experience

to get to the positive experience.

Starting with chapter four,

the book becomes a lot more about values

and it becomes more about what are we willing

to sacrifice for it.

So like, assuming you buy the arguments of the first

three chapters, that we should sacrifice for something,

that we should struggle for something,

that that's what actually makes life more meaningful

and generates a more consistent sense of happiness,

the next question is, what is worth struggling for?

What is worth valuing?

What is worth sacrificing for?

And so, I open up the book with a World War II story

about a Japanese soldier who, it's super interesting,

there was a number of Japanese soldiers in World War II,

like they got stranded on random islands in the Pacific

and nobody told them the war was over.

So, they continued to fight the war

into the 1950s, 60s and even 70s

and so, the last soldier who was still fighting World War II

I think he finally surrendered in like 1973

or something like that, I'd have to look here.

Anyway, his name was Hiroo Onada

and I wrote his story here

and I used him as an example of how, like,

it doesn't matter how disciplined you are,

it doesn't matter how motivated you are,

it doesn't matter how strong you are,

how intelligent you are, how much support you have,

if you have the wrong goal, you're fucked.

If you have the wrong value, then all of that other stuff,

it's just gonna hurt you

and I use Onada as an example of that.

He spent 27 years fighting a war that didn't exist,

literally killing people,

he was on a obscure island in the Philippines.

He was shooting at people, killing people,

hiding in the jungle for 27 years

and obviously, he was doing an amazing job

but he was like Don Quixote,

he was like chasing windmills, right?

So the chapter opens up with that

and it uses that to kind of introduce this topic of values.

So if we agree that we should sacrifice,

what is worth sacrificing for?

I talk about Dave Mustaine from Megadeath and Metallica

as an example of good and bad values

and then I kind of finished the chapter up

with my attempt at defining what are good and bad values

and I just lay out a few principles.

So, good values tend to be one, reality-based,

two, socially constructive

and three, immediate and controllable.

Bad values tend to be one, superstitious,

two, socially destructive

and three, not immediate or controllable.

I go on to say, "Honesty is a good value

because it's something that you can have

complete control over, it reflects reality

and it benefits others, even if it's sometimes unpleasant.

There's a whole section kind of diving into

what makes a value good or bad

and then I finish this section by saying,

the rest of this book, the last five chapters of this book,

so chapters five through nine,

I'm going to propose five kind of classes of values

or things to give a fuck about

that are a little bit counterintuitive

but I have found to be very important

and that's where chapter five picks up.

All right, chapter five, You Are Always Choosing.

In my opinion, this is maybe the most important chapter.

I would say two, five and nine

are the most important chapters.

Two is the one kind of challenging notions of happiness,

five is about responsibility

and then nine will be about death.

So you are always choosing,

I open up the chapter with a story about William James

and then I kind of offer the reader a thought experiment

and I say, imagine like a mafia guy kidnaps your family

and then puts a gun to their head and says,

if you don't run a marathon tomorrow,

I'm going to kill your family and you're out of shape,

you haven't gotten off the couch in a week,

this would be horrible, it would be absolutely traumatic,

it'd be terrifying.

Arguably, the worst experience of your life.

Now, imagine training for nine months, hiring a coach,

buying a bunch of gear, practicing,

getting ready for a marathon, running the marathon,

having your family attend to cheer you on,

crossing the finish line and then going and celebrating

with everybody you care about and love in your life.

That would be one of the best experiences of your life.

Now, what's interesting is that the actual pain

of running the marathon isn't any different.

The only thing that's changed is the context

and what I argue in this chapter is that,

what has actually changed is the perception

that you chose to run the marathon or not.

For whatever reason, when we feel as though

we are choosing our struggles

or we are choosing what problems we have in our life,

they seem much more acceptable

and easier for us to deal with.

When we feel as though our problems and our struggles

are thrust upon us without our control,

that's when we suffer,

that's when we feel completely powerless.

The big kind of epiphany of this chapter is that,

you are always choosing, whether you realize it or not.

There's no such thing as a situation

where you are not choosing your struggle

or not choosing your problem.

The only thing that changes

is whether you admit it to yourself or not.

People don't like hearing this point,

they don't like hearing the idea

that every problem in their life, they chose it

and the second section of this chapter,

the reason why is, I point out,

that we tend to conflate responsibility and fault.

We assume that if you are responsible for something,

it means that it's your fault

but these are two completely different things.

You know, it's like if I get cancer,

it's not my fault that I got cancer,

but it is absolutely my responsibility

to deal with the cancer.

You know, if somebody leaves a newborn baby on my doorstep,

that's not my fault that somebody left it there

but it is absolutely my responsibility,

I have to do something about it

and every moment of life is this way.

Even if the mob boss kidnaps your family,

makes you run a marathon,

you are choosing to run the marathon.

You are choosing for the lives of the people you care about

to be more important than the pain of the marathon.

The thing you are choosing from moment to moment

is how to value each experience.

So even if I like, let's say I go to a baseball game

and I'm bored to tears, I'm choosing to be bored.

Why?

Because I'm choosing not to be interested

in the baseball game.

Sure, I could sit there and blame the baseball game,

like, oh, you're so fucking boring,

why don't you entertain me more?

Well, why don't I change my definition of entertainment?

Why don't I change what I find interesting?

Why don't I develop the ability to pay more attention

or appreciate the subtleties

of throwing a curve ball or something?

In each experience in life,

there is a component of choice embedded in it

and we tend not to be aware of that choice

but as soon as we become aware of it, two things happen.

One, we become way more comfortable with pain

and two, we actually get off our ass

and fucking do something

'cause now, we don't care whose fault it is anymore,

we don't care if it's boring or tedious or unfair.

You fucking do something,

you realize in every moment, you have a choice,

to do something or not do something,

to blame somebody else or take responsibility yourself

and once you develop that habit or that value

of constant responsibility, everything fucking changes.

So this whole chapter, I kind of lay that argument out

in the first couple of pages and literally,

the entire chapter is just knocking down objections to it.

So, I knocked down the responsibility,

I call it the responsibility fault fallacy,

I talk about genetics, I talk about life situation,

I talk about surviving trauma,

I talk about cultural pressures.

There's no fucking excuse.

I mean, if there's anything that I'm like an extremist about

it's responsibility.

All right, well before I start sounding too self-important,

chapter six, Why You're Wrong About Everything, But So Am I.

This chapter starts out with another fun

little thought experiment,

and I actually can't take full credit for this,

this thought experiment was kind of brought to my attention

by a friend of mine named Lydia.

She wrote some cool stuff about it, but basically it says,

think back 500 years ago, like what seemed cutting edge

and scientifically true five years ago

and I point out that like, people thought,

you know, the Earth was flat,

they didn't even know the Western Hemisphere existed,

they thought fire was made of a thing called phlogiston

and then I kind of pull that out to a personal level.

I say, you know, think about what you thought was true

10, 20 years ago and then I mentioned a few stupid things

I thought was true when I was a kid

and then, from there I say,

now imagine everything you think is true today

and imagine how ridiculous that's gonna look

20 years from now or 500 years from now.

Like, everything we think is so true and important today

is gonna be absolutely ridiculous to us at some point

and that's actually a good thing.

Like, we should hope that our present day

beliefs look ridiculous to us

because that means that we've grown and become smarter.

Like, I experience this all the time with my own writing.

I go back and look at stuff I wrote 10 years ago

and I cringe, I'm like, this is awful,

like, I can't believe I've published this

but then I remember, I'm like, that's great,

it means I've become a better writer.

So, this thought experiment is kind of setting us up

to think a little bit more about beliefs and uncertainty

and being, I guess, a little bit open-minded

for lack of a better term.

From there, I go into a little bit on the research

of belief formation and how arbitrary it is

and then, I talk about the dangers of certainty

and, oh, this is one of the more fun sections of the book.

I actually had a cyberstalker for a number of years.

She was non-violent, thank God.

What was remarkable about her was that,

she had this unbelievable certainty,

like absolutely unshakable certainty

in completely bat shit, crazy beliefs.

I mean, she literally told me to my face

that angels told her that we were supposed to be together,

that God said that our relationship was going to cure death.

These were things that she said to me

and whenever I tried to kind of poke holes in them

or point out that maybe that didn't make a lot of sense,

it had absolutely no effect.

She met my wife, no effect, didn't change her mind at all.

To me, it was fascinating in that,

maybe one of the most troubled people I've ever known

in my life was also probably the most certain

and unshakable person I've ever met in my life

and so, I use her as an example

of the binds that certainty can get us into

and then I use a number of examples, you know,

from my own life and from other people's lives

and then I kind of trot out the benefits of uncertainty.

It opens up space for you to learn and improve.

It helps guard you against like extremist ideology

or just becoming like a crazy zealot for some cause.

It opens room for dialogue with people,

to learn from other people,

to make other people feel more heard,

which improves relationships.

I've got a section in here that I call

Manson's law of avoidance,

which I decided to be cheeky and name a law after myself.

But Manson's law of avoidance says that,

the more something threatens your identity,

the more you will avoid it and I bring this up in terms of,

what are the pieces of information that

we protect ourselves from 'cause ultimately,

like grasping onto some sense of certainty,

it's a means of protecting our ego from perceived threats

and so, Manson's law basically says that,

like the more threatening something is,

the more we will become certain in things

that will help us avoid dealing with that truth.

An extension of Manson's law of avoidance is that,

we should define ourselves as loosely

and ambiguously as possible

because the less defined ourself is,

the less we need to cling to defense mechanisms

or faulty ideas to protect ourselves.

This is fundamentally a Buddhist idea, the idea of no self,

you know, if there is no such thing as self,

then there's nothing to protect

and there's nothing that you need to be certain about

in the first place.

Finally, I finish up the chapter with a few questions

to help you become more uncertain in your life.

Question number one is, what if I'm wrong?

Question number two is, what would it mean if I were wrong?

Question number three is, would being wrong

create a better or worse problem than my current problem,

both for myself and others?

And that's chapter six.

Chapter seven, Failure Is The Way Forward.

This is actually, probably the most

kind of like run of the mill self-help chapters.

If you've made it this far in the book,

it's not gonna surprise you that a book

that's just spent 150 pages arguing that

negative experience is the path to positive experience,

that a willingness to sacrifice prevents entitlement,

a willingness to be uncertain prevents crazy beliefs,

that we're now gonna argue that failure

is actually a huge component of success.

So, this chapter is just a series of stories

about all the ways Picasso failed,

talk about a little known psychologist

named Kazimierz Dabrowski who's from Poland.

He had some great theories from studying Holocaust survivors

and then the real big Jim of this chapter

or the thing that everybody seems to love

is something that I call the Do Something principle

and I actually made a humorous little video about it

a few weeks back, if you wanna check it out on the channel,

but the Do Something principle is very simple

and it comes from one of the great gurus of all time,

my high school math teacher

and my high school math teacher, his name is Mr. Packwood,

shout out to Mr. Packwood, what's up.

Whenever we were taking a test,

he used to always tell us, he'd say,

if you don't know what to do, rewrite the problem

because when you rewrite the problem,

it will help your mind find the next step

and it was crazy 'cause it worked,

like you'd look at a question, and you'd be like,

oh, I'm so fucked, I have no idea what to do,

but then you'd start copying out the problem

and you'd be like, well,

I can do this one little thing here

and then you do the second step and then something about it,

it just made you see the next thing

and when I went off to university,

I noticed that this worked for all sorts of things.

You know, like if I was stuck on a term paper, I'd be like

okay, let's just write the next paragraph

and I'd write a paragraph and sure enough,

the rest of the paper would come

or if I needed to study for an exam,

you know, it was like, all right,

well, let's just study this chapter tonight

and I'd study that chapter

and next thing I know, I've studied three chapters

and so, I kind of just adopted this little

mini personal philosophy of like, do something,

just fucking do it, like take the smallest thing and do it.

I remember when I suffered from a lot of social anxiety,

I used to tell myself,

just walk towards the person you want to talk to.

That was it, that was all I had to do,

just walk towards them and then what would end up

happening is I would walk towards them

and I would keep walking and keep walking

and next thing I know, I'm standing in front of this person

and it's like super awkward 'cause I'm standing there

and not saying anything and so to prevent the awkwardness,

I would say something and next thing I know,

I'm like talking to somebody and I make a new friend.

This principle just kind of applies universally,

it applies all over the place.

It's one of those like just real special

simple pieces of advice that you can take and use anywhere.

One of the things I point out in the book too

is that most people assume that you need motivation

to have action but I point out that

it's the other way around,

action actually leads to motivation

and that's the Do Something principle.

Chapter eight is The Importance of Saying No.

This is kind of the relationship chapter of the book.

Again, it logically follows that,

if you're willing to traverse the negative

to get to the positive,

if you're willing to take responsibility for your struggles,

if you're willing to accept failure on the way to success,

then being able to say no to people,

being able to manage conflict,

that's probably a good thing to have for your relationships

and sure enough, that's pretty much how I would define

a healthy relationship, is two people,

actually, I do define it in here as two people

who are comfortable saying and hearing no from each other.

I have a section in here called

Rejection Makes Your Life Better,

which on a more philosophical note,

if you think about this project of choosing what you value,

in order to value one thing,

you have to reject the other things.

You know, it's like, if I want to value my career

over all else, I need to be able to sacrifice other things.

That means I need to be able to reject other things.

That means I need to reject my dream of becoming a pro gamer

or reject the idea that I'm going to

become a software engineer or reject the idea

that I'm gonna go live on a beach somewhere.

If I choose one value to prioritize over everything else,

that means by definition,

I must be willing to reject other things.

If I'm not willing to reject those things,

then I'm not able to actually prioritize

what's important in my life

and so, this is why people who struggle to say no,

they often feel very lost

and they don't know what they want from themselves.

I talk about this, you know, saying no

is kind of like the fundamental basis

of boundaries in relationships.

How, if you wanna have a healthy marriage

or a healthy romantic partnership, you need to be able

to say no to each other, tell people what you don't like,

tell people what your values are,

be willing to disappoint the other person

and trust that they're gonna stick with you

because if you are never willing to disappoint your partner,

then you never actually developed trust for them.

You never actually know if they're gonna stick

with you when shit hits the fan.

So, this is why couples that never fight,

eventually end in a very toxic place.

Finally, I finish the chapter by talking about commitment

and how there's kind of a hidden freedom of commitment,

of finding that one thing or one or two things

in your life that are more important than anything else

and committing full-heartedly to them.

On the surface, it sounds limiting

and I think a lot of people, particularly in my generation,

we avoid those sorts of commitments.

You know, it's like, I wanna go everywhere,

I wanna do all the things, I wanna date all the people.

It's like this constant effort

to always keep your options open.

But as soon as you limit yourself to a few things

in your life that you truly care about,

there's a new form of freedom

that happens on a very subtle level, which is that,

I don't have to give a fuck about this stuff,

I don't have to give a fuck about who I'm gonna date,

I don't have to give a fuck about

what my gaming friends think about me.

These are the things I care about,

these are the way I'm gonna measure my life,

that's what I'm gonna pursue

and there's just this abundance

of inner mental freedom to pursue it.

All right, so finally, chapter nine, And Then You Die.

This chapter is maybe my favorite thing I've ever written.

It's about death obviously,

and I open up talking about a friend of mine

who died at a party when I was 19

and it was incredibly shocking and traumatic, upsetting.

I spent pretty much that entire summer

dealing with depression.

As the months went on, it actually ended up

being a very transformative experience for me,

had maybe one of the most important experiences of my life.

So this chapter is about how death

is actually the thing that most crystallizes

what matters in life.

It's only when you confront death or come close to death,

that it's most clear to you

what you should be giving a fuck about

and therefore, it makes sense

and this kind of goes back to the Stoics,

that we should regularly question our own mortality,

we should regularly think about our own death

and this is just something I've kind of instinctually done

for a lot of my life is, I've wondered,

you know, if I died a year from now,

what would I do with my last year?

If I died tomorrow, or if I got diagnosed

with cancer tomorrow, like, would I have any regrets?

Would I feel like I wasted time?

If so, what was the time I wasted?

This is a very important project for us

or an exercise for us to do and throughout the chapter,

I talk about one of my favorite philosophers and scholars,

his name is Ernest Becker

and then I use a little vignette of,

I have this weird fetish, I guess you could call it,

when I visit high places.

I kind of have like the opposite of a fear of heights,

I have like an attraction to heights.

I tell a story about when I was at the Cape of Good Hope

in South Africa, it's just this massive cliff over the ocean

that you can literally just walk up to the edge

and you know, the wind blows the wrong way,

you just fall off and I have this weird fetish

for like walking to the edge of these things

and it drives everybody in my life crazy,

people wonder if I'm okay.

It wasn't until I started writing this chapter

that I kind of realized why.

For one, it forces me to confront a lot of fear in doing it.

But two, when you are walking up to the edge of a cliff

with no intention of jumping, it forces you to reckon

with the question of, what if I do trip and fall?

This could be it right now, this could be it.

There's something a little bit intoxicating

for me about that thought,

not that I want to trip and fall

but in that, it forces me to think about my life

in a way that feels very profound to me.

So, that's what I try to communicate to the reader

in that last chapter and you know, I just,

I tie up all the major concepts of the book.

You know, I come back to tolerating negative experience,

taking responsibility, being uncertain, tolerating failure,

the willingness to say and hear no,

and kind of just like wrap it all up in this nice little bow

about death (laughs) and how death elucidates

everything that is meaningful in life.

So, that's the book.

That's what all the hype's about.

If you like this summary, please check out the book.

I have a particular style, I use a lot of humor,

I use a lot of profanity.

Some people love that, some people don't, which is fine,

but if you like that and you like these ideas,

I encourage you to check out the book.

If you've read the book and this was kind of a refresher,

I appreciate that and you know,

please send this to somebody who you think

would enjoy the book or find it meaningful

and please subscribe to the channel.

I do weekly videos with life advice

and I talk about all sorts of different concepts,

philosophers, psychologists,

basically just practical shit that makes your life better.

Subscribe below, like this video,

if you love the book, definitely like this video.

If you have any thoughts about the book,

leave it in the comments.

So till next time everybody, this is Mark Manson,

and I'll catch you later.

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