Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
Summary
TLDRThis discussion delves into the dismissive avoidant attachment style, exploring its roots in childhood and how it manifests in adulthood. Dismissive avoidant individuals tend to be independent, prioritize work over relationships, and struggle with deep emotional connections. They may find intense emotions uncomfortable and often avoid emotional vulnerability. The conversation highlights how dismissive avoidant people can improve their personal relationships by practicing empathy and valuing emotions. The dialogue also offers tips for parents to encourage healthier emotional development in their children, emphasizing the importance of embracing all emotions.
Takeaways
- 🧑🔬 The dismissive avoidant attachment style, identified by Mary Ainsworth, is characterized by minimal distress when a primary caregiver leaves and a lack of emotional response upon their return.
- 👶 Children with dismissive avoidant attachment may show indifference to caregivers and strangers alike, not seeking comfort or closeness.
- 👨👩👧 Parents who discourage negative emotions or are highly career-driven can contribute to a child developing a dismissive avoidant attachment style.
- 💼 As adults, dismissive avoidant individuals often excel in work environments that value independence and may gravitate towards leadership roles.
- 🚫 Dismissive avoidant people tend to avoid deep emotional connections and may struggle with intimacy in personal relationships.
- 🤝 They can have successful relationships with others who share the same attachment style or with those who are securely attached.
- 😟 A pairing between dismissive avoidant and anxious preoccupied attachment styles can lead to an unhealthy dynamic where one seeks more closeness than the other is comfortable providing.
- 👨💼 In the workplace, dismissive avoidant individuals might choose jobs with high autonomy and may be more authoritarian in leadership positions.
- 🏥 Therapy can help dismissive avoidant individuals recognize and work on their emotional blocks to improve personal relationships.
- 🌟 It's possible for dismissive avoidant individuals to develop secure attachments and emotional resilience with self-awareness and practice.
- 👨👩👧👦 Parents with dismissive avoidant attachment can foster healthier attachments in their children by encouraging the expression of both positive and negative emotions.
Q & A
What is a dismissive avoidant attachment style?
-A dismissive avoidant attachment style is characterized by individuals who show little distress when their primary caregiver leaves and do not seek much comfort upon their return. They are highly independent, prefer emotional distance, and tend to avoid deep emotional connections.
How do dismissive avoidant individuals behave as adults?
-As adults, dismissive avoidant individuals tend to be highly independent and self-reliant. They often prioritize work over relationships, avoid intense emotional situations, and are comfortable being alone. They may also have difficulty forming deep emotional connections with others.
How might a dismissive avoidant attachment develop in childhood?
-A dismissive avoidant attachment may develop in childhood if a child’s emotions, especially negative ones, were not validated by their caregivers. Parents who were emotionally distant, authoritarian, or focused on productivity may inadvertently communicate to the child that expressing emotions is a sign of weakness.
Can two dismissive avoidant individuals have a successful relationship?
-Yes, two dismissive avoidant individuals can have a successful relationship because they are both comfortable with emotional distance and independence. However, they may face challenges in developing deeper emotional intimacy.
What type of person is a 'nightmare' for someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style?
-An anxious preoccupied person is often a 'nightmare' for someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style. The anxious preoccupied individual tends to seek constant reassurance and emotional closeness, which conflicts with the avoidant person’s desire for emotional distance and independence.
How does a dismissive avoidant attachment style affect someone's work life?
-In the workplace, dismissive avoidant individuals tend to excel. They prefer jobs that allow them autonomy, and they are often successful in leadership roles. However, their emotional distance and tendency to prioritize work over relationships can make it difficult to balance personal and professional life.
How can a dismissive avoidant person improve their personal relationships?
-To improve personal relationships, a dismissive avoidant person can work on 'flexing their emotional muscle' by engaging with others emotionally, making more eye contact when someone expresses distress, and being present without an agenda. Practicing empathy in everyday situations can also help.
Why might someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment prefer long-distance relationships?
-A dismissive avoidant person may prefer long-distance relationships because it allows them to maintain emotional distance. The physical separation enables them to interact with their partner less frequently, which aligns with their comfort in being emotionally independent.
How can parents with a dismissive avoidant attachment style foster healthier emotional development in their children?
-Parents with a dismissive avoidant attachment style can encourage their children to express both positive and negative emotions. It’s important to validate all emotions and teach healthy coping mechanisms, rather than only rewarding positive emotions and dismissing or punishing negative ones.
What is the key challenge for dismissive avoidant individuals in relationships?
-The key challenge for dismissive avoidant individuals in relationships is balancing their need for independence with the emotional needs of their partner. They must learn to value emotional connection and be present for their loved ones, even if it is uncomfortable for them.
Outlines
🔍 Overview of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
This paragraph introduces the concept of the dismissive avoidant attachment style, describing the findings from the Mary Ainsworth study. Children with this style show little distress when separated from their caregivers and demonstrate minimal emotional reactions upon reunion. As adults, dismissive avoidant individuals are highly independent, tend to avoid intense emotions, and may focus more on work than personal relationships. The paragraph also touches on the influence of parenting styles, particularly authoritarian or highly industrious parents, in shaping this attachment style.
🤔 The Impact of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment in Relationships
This section explores the dynamics of relationships involving dismissive avoidant individuals. These individuals can function well with securely attached partners, but they struggle with anxious preoccupied individuals who require more emotional attention. In such relationships, dismissive avoidants become more distant, while anxious partners become needier. The paragraph also highlights how dismissive avoidants excel in professional environments, often gravitating towards independent roles or leadership positions due to their comfort with autonomy and productivity.
💡 Personal Growth through Self-Awareness and Therapy
Here, the speaker shares their personal journey of recognizing the challenges posed by their dismissive avoidant attachment style, particularly in friendships and intimate relationships. Therapy helped them become more emotionally available and taught them that attachment styles are not permanent. With self-awareness and tools, individuals can shift towards healthier attachment behaviors. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of understanding the benefits of a securely attached lifestyle, even for those with avoidant tendencies.
🌍 Flexing Emotional Muscles and Embracing Vulnerability
This paragraph provides practical advice for dismissive avoidants to improve their relationships by embracing emotional vulnerability. It highlights the need to sit with emotional distress and engage more deeply in emotional exchanges, such as making eye contact during distressful moments. The speaker reflects on personal growth, such as practicing empathy in everyday situations, and the value of expanding beyond work to appreciate the emotional aspects of life. This practice helps balance productivity with emotional connection.
👪 Fostering Emotional Openness in Children
This section discusses how dismissive avoidant parents can promote healthier emotional development in their children. It emphasizes the importance of encouraging both positive and negative emotions, allowing children to express their full emotional range. The paragraph includes a humorous anecdote about a parent who removed 'negative emotions' toys from their child's set, reinforcing the idea that all emotions are valid. The key is teaching coping skills while supporting emotional expression.
💬 Accepting the Emotional Spectrum as Normal
In this concluding paragraph, the speaker reinforces the idea that it’s acceptable for children, and even adults, to experience a full range of emotions, including sadness. They encourage people, especially children, to push back on dismissive reactions from parents or others, asserting that all emotions are valid. The section closes by noting that dismissive avoidants can still have deep, loving relationships, but they need to challenge their avoidance of emotional connection and embrace a broader emotional spectrum.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Dismissive avoidant attachment
💡Mary Ainsworth study
💡Highly independent
💡Emotional avoidance
💡Anxious preoccupied attachment
💡Workaholism
💡Authoritarian parenting
💡Emotional vulnerability
💡Long-distance relationships
💡Coping skills
Highlights
Dismissive avoidant attachment style individuals show little distress when their primary caregiver leaves.
They acknowledge the caregiver's return but do not seek closeness.
Dismissive avoidants may be indiscriminate with affection towards caregivers and strangers.
As adults, dismissive avoidants are highly independent and may be workaholics.
They tend to avoid intense emotions and may withdraw from emotional situations.
Dismissive avoidants are comfortable being alone and invest less in emotional life and relationships.
Parents of dismissive avoidant children may discourage negative emotion expression.
Authoritarian parenting style may lead to dismissive avoidant attachment.
Dismissive avoidants fare well in work environments but struggle in intimate relationships.
They prefer independent jobs with autonomy and may take leadership positions.
Dismissive avoidants may judge people who are overly emotional.
Therapy can help dismissive avoidants develop emotional blocks and improve relationships.
Dismissive avoidants can improve personal relationships by flexing their emotional muscles.
They can practice empathy and emotional vulnerability in everyday situations.
Dismissive avoidants can benefit from valuing non-work aspects of life, like self-care and socializing.
Parents can foster healthier attachment in children by encouraging expression of all emotions.
It's possible for dismissive avoidants to have loving and connected relationships with self-improvement.
Transcripts
foreign
what is a dismissive avoidant attachment
style so the dismissive avoidant
attachment style in the Mary Ainsworth
study they showed very little distress
when their primary caregiver left kind
of just kept playing by themselves and
then when the primary caregiver returned
they kind of acknowledged them but they
kind of also didn't run to them really
they just sort of kept doing their own
thing and oftentimes they might even be
sort of indiscriminate in terms of their
affection towards their primary
caregiver versus maybe the stranger that
was in the room during this experiment
and as adults dismissive avoidant types
tend to be highly independent they're
highly industrial meaning that sometimes
they're Workaholics and they don't love
intense emotion when somebody shows a
lot of intense emotion whether it's a
partner or a friend they tend to kind of
go away from that a little bit they kind
of make an excuse to not get too
involved and generally they are really
comfortable being by themselves and they
tend to invest Less in their emotional
life and also in deeper attachments to
people than the average person you've
just explained me no that was a
biography of myself and that's Kyle so
does that mean my parents had this
likely had this same attachment well
it's interesting because as the parents
what they communicate oftentimes when
they raise a more dismissive avoidant
child is that you probably shouldn't
express your negative emotions that
maybe that's a sign of weakness in some
way that you really shouldn't do it
because people might take advantage of
you if you express too many of your
negative emotions so they weren't
rewarding their children for expressing
emotions especially negative ones that
could be a possibility when a parent is
more authoritarian with more boundaries
in between the parent versus a child
especially in terms of their emotional
communication that could lead to a more
dismissive avoidant Detachment or
parents who are highly industrial
themselves parents who were Workaholics
they instilled that type of a value in
their child so their child also then
prioritizes things like work can
productivity over relationships so it's
not all bad yes yeah I just wanted to
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to the discussion can someone with
dismissive avoidant attachment do really
well with somebody else who has the same
attachment yeah I think so and they tend
to do really well with securely attached
people too but you know what a
dismissive avoidance nightmare is the
anxious preoccupy person oh I bet right
so as we just talked about with the
anxious preoccupied individuals they are
so much more needy with their um asks of
nurturance and they really need to be
with you more often than probably the
dismissive avoidant person wants to be
with and so usually the relationships do
not turn out well unfortunately it kind
of reinforces the more unhealthy parts
of those attachment Styles you know the
preoccupied person becomes even more
needy and the avoidant person becomes
more distant as a result of being in
that interaction right right in
adulthood how would this person fare in
a work environment they tend to fare
very well in the work environment
dismissive avoiding people are highly
successful most of the times it's it's
the intimate relationships that tend to
cause more problems but in work they
tend to choose highly independent jobs
where they have a lot of autonomy if
they don't have a lot of autonomy and
they have to work with people they tend
to be in leadership positions they tend
to be more authoritarian on their own as
well so if they are going to lead
they're happy to sort of dictate what
other people have to do and they're very
comfortable with that they don't have to
necessarily be super Democratic about
the process they tend to be really
confident about their productivity and
so in work they choose jobs that are
very challenging jobs that might
actually take an exorbitant amount of
time because that then relieves them of
the need to develop a more fleshed out
emotional life with an intimate partner
is that still you
oh yeah oh yeah I mean I didn't even
know I was doing that yeah so people go
are you dating are you saying no I work
too much yeah I'm protected I'm
protecting myself
from doing from the emotions of a
potential relationship yeah and even if
you you are not necessarily spelling it
out loud and maybe you're not even
caught
aware of it dismissive avoidant types do
tend to judge people who are too
emotional like there is a judgment of
like that's way too reactive I'm guilty
yeah versus oh that's an appropriate
level of emotion right there's going to
be some judgment about how people are
showing or expressing their distress
yeah this is the reason I want people to
realize this is so me is because I have
gone to therapy and I have worked on my
emotional block
I recognized it was making
friendships and relationships difficult
it served me very well in work it did
not serve me well in relationships and
friendships people want emotion there
yeah I don't yeah so I had to go to
therapy to figure out how to do that
even when it's not part of my makeup and
that has helped me so much and the
reason I shared that is because what
whatever attachment style you're falling
in doesn't mean that's where you have to
stay it just means you have to be aware
of it learn the tools and techniques to
get out of it exactly and I think
understanding you know the benefits of
being more securely attached that's a
good point too you know kind of the
benefits of that you know the fearful uh
dismissive avoidant type obviously comes
with some benefits especially in the
work environment but as you mentioned
and friendships and intimate
relationships it's harder and even with
a securely attached individual
eventually they'll start to say hey you
know what like you're giving me one day
out of 10 days to see me see you and
that's kind of not okay with me you know
and So eventually they will need a
little bit more from you even if they're
very securely attached but again
dismissive avoided individuals tend not
to have that need so much so oftentimes
I see people who are dismissive avoidant
who end up in long-distance
relationships oh my goodness right it's
like well then I only have to deal with
you once every month
um and it's great and then the rest of
the time I just kind of call you to
check in but it's brief
um and so it's interesting the kind of
choices that they make and they also
make certain choices with their
friendships as well they tend to be a
little bit more comfortable with friends
who are really busy themselves and that
way again there's not that huge pull for
a lot
um they even the way that we react
sometimes to people who are sick you
know individuals who are more dismissive
uh avoidant they will kind of have a
more difficult time with people who are
expressing a lot of Frailty because it
means that they have to step up and do
more of the caretaking so oftentimes
they'll negotiate that with somebody
else like well let's divvy this up I
don't want to have to be the primary
caregiver here and so in general people
with dismissive abortion types are not
that interested in being in a caregiver
role period And so some dismissive
avoidant people may not necessarily want
to have children and when they do they
tend to still be at a more of an
emotional distance with their children
if they haven't worked on themselves
literally The producer's Laughing while
you're saying this because she knows
that's me she's laughing because she
goes that is literally Kyle we've had
these conversations you have a dog I
love her yeah but she's like the right
amount of well it isn't this all on a
spectrum too yeah I mean certainly this
is my attachment style but it doesn't
mean at all times in every scenario I am
this way I mean I I think if somebody
came to me with a real problem I would
be there for them so certainly this is
just a road map not a for sure
definition yeah what can somebody what
can us do the domestic avoidant people
what can we do to have better personal
relationships well I think there's a
couple of tips it's really about flexing
your emotional muscle a bit more and
again sitting with that distress but
when an anxious preoccupied person needs
to sit with the distress of being alone
the dismissive avoidant person needs to
sit with the distress of being around
people who are showing their emotions
and making eye contact when somebody is
crying and sitting with them with no
agenda of like okay I've got 20 minutes
and if you're not done crying then I'm
still leaving it's sort of like this is
open-ended you know I've volunteered to
come over here to soothe this person
because they're going through something
difficult and I've given myself the rest
of the evening if she needs me to be
here for that amount of time that's what
I'm gonna do yeah and sort of you know
again you have to work your way up to
that but even the the act of like making
more eye contact with somebody when
they're expressing distress it's really
interesting to watch somebody who has a
dismissive avoidance style that when
other people start crying just start
looking away yes right right versus the
anxious preoccupied person basically you
know you can think of attachment on on
two dimensions and one is
um highly avoidant versus low avoidance
and so the preoccupied person is low
avoidance they don't avoid emotions at
all so if somebody's crying like okay
like come on right here and they're
literally making so much eye contact
versus the dismissive avoidant person
who is high avoidance and so when they
see that they're like you know start
looking away and so even just a simple
Act of like really connecting with the
person right and looking at them when
they're expressing their negative
emotions to you and expressing their
pain is a really good place to start yes
last year Dr Romney uh I I made up my
goal to practice empathy and it was a
simple tip from Dr Romney but it really
changed the way I look at all
self-improvement and for me mental
health education is just
self-improvement that's what it is and
she said Kyle don't practice your
listening your emotional vulnerability
your empathy just in the big moments
that's not where you're supposed to
practice that's what's where you're
supposed to show up practice in the
moments that don't really matter when
you're sitting on a plane and somebody
starts talking to you about whatever I
the old Kyle would go okay whatever you
know put on my headphones try to get
into my own world quickly because I
don't want to talk to the stranger but
now I would use that as a time to
practice and go all right I don't really
care what this guy has to say but I'm
going to listen to him and I'm going to
be I'm going to fake interest I'm faking
it but I'm practicing because if I can
do it with a stranger then I can really
do it and really connect and really show
up and be present for the people in my
life who I love yeah and so to practice
we really mean that practice in these
scenarios that life presents to you
every single day yeah yeah and I think
for the dismissive avoidant person I
mean that's a great tip and I think
another tip is really about
starting to Value things other than your
industrial industrial life your work
life you know kind of like valuing
self-care valuing just sitting around
with a friend and having tea you know
valuing those things that are that are
different from like your high sense of
self in the career place you know sort
of like hey this is just as important as
finishing this project like starting to
have that idea about your life right so
so expanding what's important to you and
how you spend your time because I do now
value emotions more than I did I used to
view them as a weakness
oh that's a weak thing that's a negative
trait yeah but now I look at it because
I've learned so much I'm at Circle I go
how lucky what an amazing gift to be
able to tap into the real emotional side
of you and feel comfortable enough to
express it to somebody yes oh I would
love to have that yeah so what a gift
some of those people yeah
yeah I'll say as I've gotten older I've
valued things that are much more on the
emotional Spectrum myself or like things
that are not necessarily related to work
I mean I'm definitely a workaholic
myself and I think I still am but I have
learned to Value the time that I have
with loved ones at least on the same
level if not sometimes more you know
like maybe I wasn't that productive this
week but like think about all the
amazing time I spent with my friends
with my husband with my family really
seeing that as something that's
important and I think that you do learn
that over time that you know work can
only take you so far and then there's
this whole other side of yourself that
needs to be developed too we'll be back
with our discussion in just a little bit
but I wanted to remind you that Med
circle is not just a YouTube channel in
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get answers visit medcircle.com or use
the links below now let's go back to the
discussion
for parents out there who recognize this
attachment style in themselves what can
they do to foster a healthier child yeah
you know encouraging your children to
express emotion both positive and
negative sometimes parents again with
their own dismissive avoidant attachment
style will reward their kids for
positive emotions but not for the
negative ones it kind of almost even
being punitive for the negative ones and
so it's really about embracing all
emotion all emotions are good it's all
good
um I have this really funny example of a
client I was working with and you know
we have these little emotion cards and
like little emotions stuffed animals
that we use to teach little children how
to talk about emotions and it was so
funny because he took out the negative
emotions in his home set and he gave his
children only the power positive
emotions and I was like that is not it
was really funny how I found out was a
child came into session and was like you
have other ones that my Daddy doesn't
have in his collection but it's the same
exact set but he just removed the
negative emotions wow and so we kind of
had to talk about that and he's like I
just don't want them to think that life
is hard I'm like I get it I get it but
you can't like you can't stop those
emotions they're gonna happen they're
gonna happen
right so it's really about letting them
fall when you still have them under your
care letting them experience it and like
show them that you're still there for
them and so yeah so you have to just let
them know the whole spectrum is okay
with me yes um and then use that
opportunity to teach coping skills so I
think that's like a really good
compromise it's like let them experience
it but then the the dismissive avoidant
part of you can still use that
opportunity to say okay I know you feel
sad but here are some things you can do
right so that you can feel Less ad which
is healthy too which is totally healthy
but um and it's really interesting
because I've had to you know sometimes
tell people like hey sometimes you
express a negative emotion and you get
that feedback from a dismissive parent
you know even an adulthood like oh well
don't feel sad like why would you feel
sad about that and you literally have to
push back and say you know what it's
okay to feel sad and you don't have to
solve that problem for me so as children
get older I encourage them to give that
feedback to their dismissive avoidant
parent like hey
I'm fine and it's okay to be sad and I
don't need you to
cover it up for me like just because
you're uncomfortable with it I'm not and
I'm trying not to be you know that is it
excellent final words on dismissive
avoidant attachment
um you know I think it's really possible
as a dismissive avoidant person to still
have a really loving and connected
relationship so it's not that it's not
that they really truly don't want that
it's just that they've been raised with
different sets of values possibly about
what's important in life and not all of
it is bad and so it's really just about
challenging yourself to get a little bit
more comfortable with a spectrum of
human emotion that's right well I'm
doing it with with you guys right there
we'll talk about fearful avoidant
attachment style in our next session
thank you
[Music]
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