What is The Attachment Theory and How is it Affecting Your Relationships?

Summary

This video delves into attachment theory, explaining the dynamics of secure and insecure attachments formed in childhood and their manifestations in adulthood. It highlights the impact of inconsistent, negligent, or fearful caregiving on attachment styles, such as anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. The speaker discusses the importance of recognizing and reprogramming these attachment patterns through techniques like breathing exercises, grounding, and narrative therapy to achieve emotional regulation and secure connections.

Takeaways

• 🔒 The script discusses attachment theory, emphasizing the importance of secure and insecure attachment styles in childhood and their impact on adulthood.
• 👶 There are four primary attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, each with distinct behaviors and emotional responses in childhood.
• 🛡️ Secure attachment in childhood is characterized by consistent care and comfort from caregivers, leading to an 'autonomous' style in adulthood with healthy emotional regulation.
• 😥 Anxious attachment arises from inconsistent caregiver responses, causing children to seek reassurance and adults to be hypervigilant and seek constant validation.
• 🏃‍♂️ Avoidant attachment stems from consistently negligent or absent caregivers, resulting in children and adults who appear emotionally detached and avoid emotional expression.
• 🤯 Disorganized attachment is linked to a fearful relationship with caregivers, leading to erratic behavior in children and a 'fearful' style in adults, marked by emotional disorientation.
• 🧠 The script highlights the concept of neuroplasticity, suggesting that individuals can shift from insecure to secure attachment styles through conscious effort and self-awareness.
• 💆‍♀️ Techniques for moving towards secure attachment include breathing exercises, grounding, and staying present to regulate emotions and soothe oneself.
• 🔍 The process involves recognizing and challenging old beliefs and narratives that no longer serve the individual, especially those related to past attachment experiences.
• 📚 Narrative therapy is mentioned as a method to reinterpret life experiences and their meanings, allowing for a rewritten script of one's life story.
• 👫 The importance of healthy attachment in relationships is underscored, with the script suggesting that secure attachment can facilitate better emotional support and communication.
• 🌱 The script concludes by encouraging further exploration of attachment styles and their impact on personal growth, offering resources for deeper understanding and healing.

Q & A

What is attachment theory and why is it significant in psychology?

Attachment theory is a psychological framework that describes the dynamics of long-term interpersonal relationships from early childhood. It's significant because it explains how early experiences with caregivers shape an individual's emotional and social development, affecting their ability to form healthy relationships later in life.

What are the different types of attachment styles mentioned in the script?

The script mentions one type of secure attachment and three types of insecure attachments: anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

How can someone change from an insecure attachment to a secure attachment?

Through the concept of neuroplasticity, which is the brain's ability to change and adapt, individuals can work towards developing a secure attachment style by identifying their current attachment patterns, practicing self-awareness, and engaging in therapeutic interventions.

What is the characteristic of a secure attachment style in childhood?

In childhood, secure attachment is characterized by the child's ability to seek comfort from caregivers when distressed and being easily soothed by their presence, indicating a consistent and nurturing relationship.

What does an anxious attachment style in childhood look like?

An anxious attachment style in childhood is marked by the child's inconsistent caregivers who are sometimes nurturing and sometimes harsh or distant, leading to the child's anxiety and a constant need for reassurance and connection.

How does an avoidant attachment style manifest in children?

In children, an avoidant attachment style is shown by a lack of seeking comfort or connection with caregivers, often appearing calm and self-reliant even when distressed, due to the consistent neglect or emotional unavailability of their parents.

What is the main emotion associated with a disorganized attachment style in children?

The main emotion associated with a disorganized attachment style in children is fear, as the child actively fears their caregiver or parent, leading to erratic and unpredictable behavior.

How can adults with a secure attachment style be identified?

Adults with a secure attachment style can be identified by their ability to provide and seek emotional support in a healthy way, communicate their needs directly, and be easily soothed and comforted by others.

What are some strategies to help individuals with insecure attachment styles move towards a more secure attachment?

Strategies include practicing self-awareness, grounding techniques like deep breathing and engaging the senses, seeking therapy or counseling, and gradually challenging and rewriting personal narratives to foster a sense of safety and trust.

How does the script suggest rewriting one's personal narrative to improve attachment style?

The script suggests using narrative therapy, which involves re-evaluating and reinterpreting the meaning of life experiences without changing the facts, allowing individuals to recognize their past coping mechanisms and choose new ways of relating to others.

What is the importance of recognizing and challenging past beliefs in the process of moving from an insecure to a secure attachment style?

Recognizing and challenging past beliefs is crucial because these beliefs often stem from early attachment experiences and can limit an individual's ability to form secure attachments in the present. By becoming aware of these beliefs and questioning their validity, individuals can create space for new, healthier attachment behaviors.

Outlines

00:00

🔒 Understanding Secure and Insecure Attachment Styles

This paragraph introduces the concept of attachment theory, explaining that there is one secure attachment style and three types of insecure attachments. It emphasizes the importance of recognizing one's attachment style for personal growth and the possibility of transitioning from insecure to secure through understanding and self-awareness. The speaker discusses the characteristics of secure attachment in childhood and how it translates into an autonomous, secure adult attachment style, marked by emotional regulation and the ability to provide and receive support effectively.

05:01

🤔 The Impact of Inconsistent Caregiving on Anxious Attachment

This section delves into the anxious attachment style, which stems from inconsistent caregiving in childhood. The child's uncertainty about the caregiver's response leads to anxiety and a constant need for reassurance. The paragraph describes how this manifests in children through their reactions to their caregivers and how it continues into adulthood, resulting in hypervigilance about others' feelings and a tendency to communicate needs in a dramatic manner. The adult with an anxious attachment style struggles with feeling soothed or reassured, often due to a disregulated nervous system.

10:02

🏹 The Avoidant Attachment: Emotional Disregulation and Stoicism

The avoidant attachment style is explored in this paragraph, characterized by a consistent lack of emotional availability from caregivers. Children with this attachment style learn to suppress their emotional needs, appearing calm and self-reliant, even when distressed. As adults, they may exhibit a dismissive attachment style, finding emotional expression uncomfortable and often avoiding intimacy or support. The speaker highlights the internal stress and the outward appearance of emotional stability, which can be misleading as it hides the true emotional turmoil.

15:03

😨 Disorganized Attachment: Fear and Emotional Flooding in Adulthood

This paragraph discusses the disorganized attachment style, which arises from a fearful relationship with caregivers during childhood. Children with this style exhibit erratic behavior and struggle with emotional regulation. In adulthood, this translates to a fearful attachment style, where individuals oscillate between seeking closeness and avoiding it, often feeling angry and disoriented. The speaker explains the challenges of trust and the constant need for safety, which can lead to a perception of the world as a threatening place.

🌱 Healing and Rewiring the Nervous System for Secure Attachment

The final paragraph focuses on the process of healing and rewiring the nervous system to achieve a secure attachment style. It suggests techniques such as breathing exercises, grounding, and engaging the senses to stay present and feel safe. The speaker encourages self-exploration to understand and challenge old beliefs that may no longer serve the individual. The paragraph concludes with the idea of narrative therapy, which involves reinterpreting life experiences to foster a healthier attachment style and a sense of peace.

Keywords

💡Attachment Theory

Attachment Theory is a psychological framework that describes the dynamics of long-term interpersonal relationships from the perspective of Bowlby's ethological model of attachment. In the video, it is the central theme that explores the different types of attachment styles and their impact on individuals' behaviors and relationships as they grow into adulthood. The theory is foundational to understanding the various attachment styles discussed, such as secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

💡Secure Attachment

Secure attachment refers to a healthy and balanced relationship between a child and caregiver, characterized by trust, consistency, and emotional support. In the video, it is described as the type of attachment where a child feels loved, accepted, and knows that their caregiver is there for them when needed. This attachment style is associated with positive outcomes in adulthood, such as being able to provide and seek support in a healthy manner.

💡Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment is a style that arises when a child's caregivers are inconsistent in their responses to the child's needs. The child may become anxious and uncertain about the caregiver's availability. In the video, it is mentioned that this can lead to adults who are hypervigilant about others' feelings and seek constant reassurance, as they struggle with the fear of abandonment and disconnection.

💡Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment is characterized by a child's tendency to avoid emotional closeness with their caregivers, often due to consistent neglect or emotional detachment from the caregivers. The video explains that adults with avoidant attachment may struggle with expressing their emotions and find comfort in self-reliance, often avoiding emotional intimacy and support from others.

💡Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment occurs when a child's primary caregiver is a source of fear, leading to erratic and unpredictable behavior. The video describes this as a state where the child feels unsafe even in the presence of their caregiver. In adulthood, this can manifest as a fearful attachment style, where individuals may oscillate between seeking closeness and pushing others away, struggling with trust and emotional regulation.

💡Neuroplasticity

Neuroplasticity, or the brain's ability to change and adapt, is mentioned in the video as the foundation for the possibility of shifting from an insecure to a secure attachment style. It implies that individuals can rewire their brains to develop healthier attachment patterns, challenging the idea that attachment styles are fixed from childhood.

💡Autonomous Attachment

Autonomous attachment is the adult equivalent of a secure attachment style. It is characterized by the ability to communicate needs effectively and seek support when necessary. In the video, it is associated with individuals who can provide comfort to others and also feel safe in seeking comfort themselves, demonstrating emotional maturity and self-awareness.

💡Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and control one's emotions effectively. The video discusses how secure attachment is linked to better emotional regulation, where individuals can maintain a sense of calm and reach out to others for support when feeling disregulated. In contrast, insecure attachments often result in difficulties with emotional regulation and seeking comfort.

💡Coping Mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are strategies that individuals develop to deal with stress or difficult situations. In the context of the video, different attachment styles are seen as coping mechanisms that helped individuals navigate their childhood environments. However, these mechanisms may no longer serve them well in adulthood and may need to be re-evaluated or changed.

💡Narrative Therapy

Narrative therapy is a form of psychotherapy that focuses on the stories or narratives individuals construct about their lives. The video suggests using narrative therapy to reinterpret past experiences and change the meanings associated with them, allowing for a healthier perspective on one's attachment style and personal history.

💡Grounding Techniques

Grounding techniques are methods used to help individuals stay present and focused when they are feeling overwhelmed or disoriented. The video mentions several grounding techniques, such as box breathing and engaging the senses, to help individuals with insecure attachment styles manage their emotions and feel a sense of safety.

Highlights

Attachment Theory is a popular and long-standing concept in psychology, with only one type of secure attachment and three types of insecure attachments.

Neuroplasticity allows individuals to change from insecure to secure attachment styles.

Anxious attachment is formed when caregivers are inconsistent, leading to a child's anxiety and desire for connection.

Avoidant attachment arises from consistently negligent or emotionally absent caregivers.

Disorganized attachment is characterized by a child's fear of their caregiver, resulting in unpredictable behavior.

Securely attached children are easily soothed and know the rules of their relationship with caregivers.

Adults with secure attachment styles are autonomous, able to provide and seek support in a healthy manner.

Anxiously attached adults are hypervigilant about others' feelings and seek constant reassurance.

Avoidantly attached adults may appear stoic, avoiding emotional expression and discomforted by empathy.

Disorganized attachment in adults manifests as fearful attachment, with fluctuating behaviors between clinging and avoidance.

Breathing techniques and grounding exercises can help regulate emotions and provide a sense of safety.

Incorporating the five senses can assist in staying present during moments of emotional disarray.

Challenging and rewriting life narratives can lead to a re-evaluation of past experiences and attachments.

Attachment styles are coping mechanisms that may no longer serve us in adulthood and need to be reassessed.

The video course 'Being at Peace' offers a deep dive into rewriting narratives and healing from trauma.

The importance of recognizing and letting trust be earned in relationships is emphasized for those with insecure attachments.

The video concludes by inviting viewers to explore further resources on secure attachments and trauma recovery.

Transcripts

what is your attachment style are you

secure are you one of the three insecure

and how does that look now that you're

an adult and how can you move to a place

of connection mhm mended

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[Applause]

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light all right folks we're going to be

talking about attachment Theory today

which is all the rage in Psychology oh

my gosh it has been for decades it's

been around for a while uh we're going

to talk about one type there's only one

type of secure attachment which is

secure and then there are three types of

insecure attachments well and here's

what I love about this because of

neuroplasticity or your brain's ability

to change which they didn't think was a

thing decades ago no um you can change

from an insecure attachment to a secure

attachment right and so how do you move

there well first you have to identify

what the heck is going on with you and

for all you secure attachment people pay

attention just to make sure just to make

sure you're good there's not little

anything to massage out there okay and

for everybody else let's figure out

what's going on and point you in the

right direction so there's secure

attachment and then the three types of

insecure attachments uh we're actually

going to just do layman's terms there's

actually a they're more a little more

precise psychological terms we're going

to label them in the ways that just make

sense so there is an anxious attack

attachment anxious attachment occurs in

childhood when your caregivers are

inconsistent right sometimes they're

very warm and nurturing sometimes

they're harsh and sometimes they're

distant and even negligent and so the

child is anxious because they don't know

what type of parent they're going to get

and they're aching for consolation and

aching for connection yeah and

consistency in that consolation and

connection then we go into avoidant

avoidant is no my parents aren't

inconsistent they are are consistently

negligent they are consistently absent

or they're present physically but not

emotionally yeah emotionally detached or

I can't rely on them or they're like I

the phrase a safe space right because

someone can be physically safe but not

emotionally safe right yes so physically

mentally emotionally spiritually

relationally like there's all these

different aspects of our life experience

yeah and it's not it's not all of them

are safe or all of them are unsafe you

know or our parents are connected in all

of them or not connected in all of them

right very common it's it's like yeah

they know how to do these things they

don't know how to do these other things

right and and you can have a different

attachment style in different

relationships at the same time so I

we're painting in very broad Strokes

here there's more Nuance in real life

but okay insecure so there's anxious

because my parents are inconsistent

there's avoidant because my parents are

consistent consistantly negligent so I'm

just fending for myself and negligent

can be true or they just don't know how

because they were never taught yeah yeah

they could be very present but what

they're doing isn't leading to

connection right and and the hardest one

I think is the emotional connection

right and that's not to say your parents

didn't care or they don't love you it's

that they didn't know how to show up

emotionally the way that you needed yes

and then the last one is disorganized

disorganized attachment comes when you

actively fear your caregiver or your

parent and that is the dominant emotion

of that relationship is that you live in

fear so now that we've laid these out

let's explore what they look like in

childhood see if this describes any of

your childhoods and what it was like for

you and how it plays out in adulthood

starting with secure attachment secure

attachment means they're there for me

when I need them they're consoling

they're nurturing but they also provide

structure mhm I feel like I know what

the rules are I know what Behavior will

lead to what outcomes yeah because it's

consistent and that I am loved and

accepted even if sometimes there have to

be consequences for my behavior of

course that I'm loved and accepted and

welcome so what this looks like in

infants and in children they cry when

they're distressed and they want to be

close to caregivers and parents and then

they stay close and they're easily

soothed if you have a child who's crying

and the presence of a caregiver is

soothing and it works yeah they have a

secure attachment they have a secure

attachment the child not cognitively per

se knows like I go to this person and

it's safe and I get my needs met in

adulthood this is known as

autonomous right it's an autonomous

attachment or it also called secure

attachment in adulthood but what are

some behaviors of adults who are

securely attached yeah so when other

people are emotional they can show up in

a loving and supportive way and they

seek support when they're upset like

it's safe it's safe for them to be a

safe place for someone else and they

also see seek other people when they

need safety right and once again this is

emotionally mentally physically all ways

they communicate their needs directly in

a healthy way and they continue from

childhood to be easily soothed it may it

may not be supported and supported right

if people are trying to comfort them

they receive the comfort and it works

yeah with anxious attachment remember my

my caregiver is inconsistent right

sometimes they know how to show up

sometimes they don't they're probably

overwhelmed they probably have their own

wounds it's kind of a mix back it's a

ball of yarn and so I show up with great

anxiety why because I'm ringing the bell

I'm ringing the alarm Bell because maybe

that means they'll really be here here

for me cuz you know it's like if you go

to the doctor and you say your pain

levels are three and they go on to the

next person no my pain levels are nine

it needs to be treated right now right

I'm approaching this with a lot of

anxiety so I get action I want comfort

so what does this look like in children

well like securely attached children

they cry when they're upset and they

want to be close to their caregivers but

unlike securely attached children

they don't they're not soothed easily

yeah and they're not especially warm and

responsive they're more standoffish like

where were you when I needed you or they

or they treat the parent with contempt

or ambivalence so what does this look

like in adults so they are hypervigilant

about other people's feelings and they

need constant reassurance that they're

okay that the other person's okay and

they communicate their needs in a

drastic way right yeah it like it's big

they go big a lot of drama is is what

people on the street would say I

wouldn't say that because that's

judgmental and once again they still in

adulthood don't feel easily soothed or

reassured right they're not very easily

comforted and and it comes from being in

a disregulated state because all of the

insecure attachments are a disregulated

state their your nervous system is

disregulated it's just how it's

manifesting and in children whose

attachment style is aoid

they experience that emotional

disregulation but they keep it in here

and outwardly they maintain a calm

demeanor cuz what's the point of showing

distress if I'm going to be judged for

it or if I'm not going to get my needs

met for showing it so people who are

very stoic and don't open up what this

looks like in children is the parent

comes back and the child doesn't seek to

reunite doesn't seek to connect now I

want to be very clear some children are

just a bit more independent uh and and

don't need a lot of

closeness but how you could tell is if

it's a healthy attachment is they will

go to the parent when they need it they

they do want to experience the closeness

once in a while so once again if if your

child does a lot of things on their own

it doesn't mean they're insecurely

attached it doesn't mean they're

avoidant if they're hurting if they're

scared and they don't come to you that's

something to consider but like I was

saying they look calm outwardly but

inwardly their cortisol levels are

through the roof yeah there's a high

level of stress but it looks like a

freeze or maybe even like a stonewalling

yeah so in adulthood this is called

dismissive it's it's a dismissive

attachment style or personality so how

does this show up in adulthood

specifically oh yeah I relate to this

one um so you're uncomfortable in the

presence of emotions right and you don't

you have a hard time outwardly

expressing your emotions it's really

really uncomfortable and so you don't

know what to do for other people uh when

they're emal and and you also don't know

what to do for yourself when you're

emotional and so you often seek coping

mechanisms to distract or avoid and you

can even find empathy and comfort

uncomfortable right when other people

are being nurturing it's like ew it's

mushy or yeah no I I got to get out of

here can we be done yeah or or even like

I don't need this like why are you doing

this yeah yeah you're like I I don't

have

feelings or or I I manage my feelings

just fine on my own thing thank you very

much yeah because it feels safer to do

so right well that's part of this is

that you don't communicate your

emotional needs to others because

growing up what was the point of that

yeah it never worked and this brings us

to disorganized attachment this is when

you live in an environment as a child

that is actively scary uh you live with

a lot of fear of getting hurt of being

hurt so what does this look like

specifically in Children Well erratic

Behavior right when you're upset and and

you you go back and forth between fight

and flight and free and you're living in

this triggered response in this in this

flooded response there is no peace it's

always just hypervigilance and how do I

stay safe children with disorganized

attachment seem afraid in the presence

of their parent or their caregiver and

they're not calmed when that person is

there in fact they're more calmed when

that person is not there yeah in

adulthood we call this a fearful

attachment and some of you are

going some of you have had it really

hard and you're relating to this what

does this look like in adulthood yeah

you can shift back back and forth

between clinging to someone and being

avoidant you feel angry and disorganized

with any sort of emotion yeah whether

it's disorienting for sure well and and

to that point if they feel emotional

they get angry and disoriented cuz and

I'm not talking about feeling un emotion

I'm talking about feeling emotionally

flooded a lot of us struggle when we

feel emotionally flooded but these

people get angry and disoriented yeah

you struggle to trust the intention of

anyone yes well I I had people that I

worked with when when I was younger uh

who were victims of abuse who then

became abusers and for them a lot of it

was they saw the world as a vicious

cruel place and everybody had mal

intentions if someone was kind to you it

was a manipulation you have to keep your

guard up all the time and that's why

that was because their guard was up all

the time yeah and any sort of attachment

relationship feels unsafe it feels

unsafe to be attached and as humans we

need healthy attachment yeah like it's a

type of oygen right like we need it to

live but if I'm attached I feel like I

could get hurt or abused yeah right that

there's a power differential there and

that's what it all comes down to Okay so

we've established that with secure

attachment you feel emotionally

regulated and when you feel disregulated

you reach out to the people that care

about you and you're soothed and it

works with the three different types of

insecure attachment even though they

look different and there's different

backgrounds for each one it still boils

down to I'm emotionally disregulated and

I need to get to a place of calm and a

place of soothe so how do we do that

yeah so there's a lot of ways to do that

um and and so many I love that we live

in a day and age that talking about this

type of thing is socially acceptable and

all the ways to accomplish it are also

talked about right um and so it it's a

process of teaching your nervous system

that it's safe

right and whether it's physical safety

or emotional safety or another type of

safety or all of them combined right it

is a process of rewiring your nervous

system so first it's recognizing that

safety and and so if you're having a a

triggered moment the best thing you can

do in the moment is to breathe right

right and so to do the Box breaths where

you count you know three seconds on each

side you breathe in and hold and breathe

out for 3 seconds and then hold so

there's lots of breathing techniques it

can also be really helpful when we're

disregulated we're often not living in

the moment right we're we're emotionally

going to another place and so if you can

rub your chair if you can rub your hands

together if you can smell something

especially something you like so

essential oils or flowers or perfume as

many of your five senses that you can

incorporate into that moment will help

you stay present um so anything that

feels soothing to you whether it's a cup

of tea if it's hot chocolate if it's a

bubbly drink right anything that feels

soothing to you is going to help

grounding walking around on the grass in

your bare feet there's even grounding

mats you can buy if you don't want to

walk around um outside and so it's

anything that helps you one feel safe

and two keeps you in the present moment

and once you have provided that safety

for yourself

um you can then get curious about what

your experience is and and dive into

what am I actually feeling in this

moment sure what beliefs am I holding on

to that aren't actually serving me and

it quite often is that you're coming up

with beliefs from previous experiences

right of that it's depending on your

attachment sty style that it's not safe

to reach out to others or when you reach

out to others you get hurt you know it's

it's these beliefs that you need to one

become aware of and then two get curious

about because all these attachment

styles are coping mechanisms and it's

not that our coping mechanisms are bad

it's that they kept us safe and what

what happens is when we move through

that experience and we no longer need

those coping mechanisms what used to

keep us safe is now keeping us stuck

right and we

cognitively often don't realize it well

for example I have an avoidant

attachment style because growing up

voicing my concerns didn't get me

anywhere well then I looked after myself

and that served me to a point but now it

doesn't serve me in my relationships

when people want me to open up or in a

disorganized attachment where speaking

up or being emotional was punished uh

now people want me to open up and they

want to connect what served me then

isn't serving me anymore and that's why

we need to remove the Judgment from it

right it's also helpful to challenge The

Narrative I love something called

narrative therapy which means that the

facts of your life story can't change

they don't change but the meaning of the

facts is open up to re-evaluation and

reinterpretation so rewrite the script

recognize that you did the best that you

knew how with what you were given and

what you knew and now you're in a

different place where you can choose

something different where you can choose

to open up choose to trust choose to

connect and you don't have to give it

all at once in a rush but you can take a

step and see what the other person does

right and let your trust be earned it's

not about giving your trust it's about

opening yourself up to let that trust be

earned well I know that we can just

barely scratch the surface of this here

and now that's why we have a deep dive

video course on our membership site

called being at peace how do you rewrite

the narrative how do you work through

past trauma to be at peace and to be

secure in who you are and in your

attachments if you enjoyed this video we

invite you to check out it takes a

community how to heal from trauma

uh we talk about secure attachments and

what role that plays in trauma recovery

check it out right

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here