3 Things To Never Say To Your Toddler (And What to Say Instead)

Summary

This script discusses the impact of common phrases used with toddlers and suggests alternatives for fostering their development. It explains why saying 'Be careful' can be counterproductive, as it creates fear without teaching risk assessment. Instead, specific instructions and reassurances are recommended. The script also advises against using 'I'm leaving without you' to enforce obedience, as it can breed insecurity. It suggests acknowledging feelings and setting clear boundaries. Lastly, it warns against negative attention from saying 'Don't do this,' proposing positive directives instead. The video aims to empower parents to guide toddlers effectively, promoting safety, confidence, and independence.

Takeaways

• 👶 Saying 'Be careful' to toddlers can create fear without teaching them to identify danger, potentially hindering their willingness to explore and learn.
• 🛑 Using vague warnings like 'Be careful' is less effective than providing specific instructions to guide children's behavior.
• 🚼 Encouraging toddlers to take manageable risks is crucial for fostering self-confidence, independence, and overall development.
• 🤔 Asking questions like 'Do you feel safe?' can prompt toddlers to consider their safety instead of instilling fear.
• 👋 The phrase 'Bye, I'm leaving now!' can make toddlers feel insecure and anxious as they take such statements literally.
• 🏡 When leaving a fun activity, acknowledging the child's feelings and offering positive reasons to leave can make the transition smoother.
• 🚫 Instead of saying 'Don't throw your food,' instruct toddlers positively with what they should do, which is easier for them to understand.
• 🎉 Praising toddlers with generic terms like 'clever' or 'smart' may not be as effective as more specific and genuine praise.
• 🌟 To build self-esteem, it's important to praise toddlers in a way that encourages exploration and acknowledges their efforts.
• ❌ Avoid using phrases that can inadvertently teach toddlers to disregard your warnings by not following through on threats.

Q & A

Why is telling your toddler to 'Be careful' potentially problematic?

Telling your toddler to 'Be careful' signals danger without explaining what that danger is or how to avoid it. Over time, this can make them fearful of trying new things, reducing their ability to explore and grow confidently.

What are the unintended negative impacts of frequently using the phrase 'Be careful'?

Using 'Be careful' can cause toddlers to become fearful of new experiences, limiting their willingness to take manageable risks, which are crucial for their development. This can also lead to reduced self-confidence and a reliance on seeking parental approval before attempting anything new.

What are some alternatives to saying 'Be careful'?

Instead of saying 'Be careful', offer specific instructions like 'Put the stick down, you might hurt someone.' Or, ask them to assess their safety with questions like 'Do you feel safe?' or provide reassurance by saying 'I'm right here if you need me.'

How can parents balance their own fears while encouraging their child to take risks?

Parents can support their child by staying close enough to intervene if needed, offering reassurance like 'I'm right here if you need me' without giving the impression that the activity is dangerous.

What should you do if your toddler resists leaving a fun activity?

Acknowledge their feelings by saying, 'You're having so much fun, it's hard to leave.' Set boundaries, 'But it's time to go home now,' and make leaving enticing by mentioning fun things awaiting them at home. Offer choices, like 'Would you like to walk or should I carry you?'

Why is saying 'I'm leaving now!' a bad strategy to get a toddler to leave?

Toddlers take things literally, and saying 'I'm leaving now!' may make them anxious, believing they could be abandoned. Over time, this can damage trust and make them feel insecure about their parents' love and presence.

How can parents discourage unwanted behaviors like food throwing?

Instead of saying 'Stop throwing your food!', tell the toddler what they should do instead, like 'Food stays on the table or goes in your mouth.' This makes it easier for them to understand and reduces the temptation to repeat the unwanted behavior for attention.

What is the problem with saying 'Don't throw your food' to a toddler?

When parents say 'Don't throw your food,' toddlers may get confused about what they should do instead. The negative reaction also gives them attention, which can encourage the behavior. Clear instructions on what to do are more effective.

How can using clear instructions instead of 'no', 'don't', or 'stop' benefit your toddler?

Clear instructions help toddlers understand exactly what is expected of them, reducing frustration and boosting their confidence. They feel more capable when they know what to do, which supports their emotional development.

Why is giving genuine praise like 'You're so smart!' potentially harmful?

Phrases like 'You're so smart!' may unintentionally create pressure to always be seen as smart, leading toddlers to avoid challenges. Instead, parents should focus on praising specific actions or efforts, which encourages a growth mindset and builds resilience.

Outlines

00:00

👶 The Pitfalls of 'Be Careful'

This paragraph discusses the common yet ineffective practice of telling toddlers to 'Be careful' without providing specific guidance. It explains that such a vague warning can instill fear without teaching children how to identify or avoid danger. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of encouraging toddlers to take manageable risks for their development, which helps in building self-confidence and independence. It suggests alternative phrases and actions that parents can use to guide their children more effectively, such as providing clear instructions or asking questions that prompt the child to consider their safety.

05:03

🚫 Avoid Using 'I'm Leaving Without You'

The second paragraph addresses the negative impact of using threats like 'I'm leaving without you' to manipulate a toddler's behavior. It points out that toddlers take such statements literally, which can lead to feelings of insecurity and anxiety. The paragraph advises against using empty threats and instead recommends a more empathetic approach that acknowledges the child's feelings, sets boundaries, and offers choices to make leaving less stressful. This method is said to reinforce trust and the child's sense of being loved unconditionally.

10:07

🍽 Redirecting Unwanted Behaviors

The third paragraph tackles the common issue of toddlers engaging in undesirable behaviors and the typical parental response of telling them what not to do. It argues that such a negative approach can actually reinforce the undesired action due to the attention it receives. Instead, the paragraph suggests instructing toddlers on what they should do, which is clearer and more effective for them to follow. This approach is said to reduce frustration and boost the child's confidence and self-esteem by focusing on positive guidance rather than constant prohibitions.

Keywords

💡Be careful

The phrase 'Be careful' is a common cautionary statement used by parents to warn their children of potential dangers. In the context of the video, it is highlighted that this phrase, while well-intended, does not teach children how to identify or avoid danger. Instead, it may instill a generalized sense of fear without providing clear guidance. The video suggests that using more specific instructions can be more effective in teaching children about safety.

💡Development

Development in the video refers to the growth and maturation of a child's physical, cognitive, and emotional abilities. The script emphasizes that certain phrases used by parents, such as 'Be careful,' can have unintended negative impacts on a child's development by fostering fear and reducing their willingness to explore and take manageable risks, which are crucial for fostering self-confidence and independence.

💡Fear response

Fear response is a psychological and physiological reaction to a perceived threat. The video explains that using vague cautionary phrases can trigger a fear response in children without teaching them how to handle the situation. This response can lead to avoidance of new experiences and a reluctance to explore, which are detrimental to a child's overall development.

💡Manageable risks

Manageable risks are those that are within a child's capability to handle and from which they can learn and grow. The video underscores the importance of encouraging toddlers to take manageable risks as part of their development. These risks help them test their limits, learn about their capabilities, and build problem-solving skills, which are essential for fostering self-confidence and independence.

💡Specific instructions

Specific instructions are clear and direct guidance provided to children on what actions to take in particular situations. The video suggests that instead of using vague warnings like 'Be careful,' parents should give specific instructions to help children understand what they should do to be safe, which can lead to more immediate positive behavior changes.

💡Self-confidence

Self-confidence refers to a child's belief in their own abilities and their capacity to handle challenges. The video discusses how allowing children to take manageable risks and providing clear instructions can help build their self-confidence by enabling them to successfully navigate challenges and learn from their experiences.

💡Independence

Independence in the context of the video is the ability of a child to make decisions and take actions on their own. The script argues that by avoiding phrases that instill fear and instead providing support and clear guidance, parents can foster a sense of independence in their children, allowing them to explore and learn without undue reliance on parental approval.

💡Empty threats

Empty threats are promises of consequences that are not carried out, often used by parents to manipulate a child's behavior. The video warns against using empty threats, such as saying 'I'm leaving now' to get a child to comply, as it can erode trust and teach children not to take their parents seriously, which is counterproductive to effective parenting.

💡Trust

Trust in the video refers to the confidence a child has in their parents' reliability and consistency. The script explains that using phrases that could be interpreted as conditional love, such as threats to leave, can damage the trust between parent and child. Building and maintaining trust is crucial for effective communication and a secure parent-child relationship.

💡Alternative phrases

Alternative phrases are different ways of communicating with children that are suggested to be more effective than commonly used but potentially harmful phrases. The video provides examples of alternative phrases that parents can use to guide their children's behavior positively, such as offering choices and acknowledging feelings, which can lead to better cooperation and emotional understanding.

Highlights

Reminding children to 'Be careful' frequently can have unintended negative impacts on their development.

The phrase 'Be careful' does not teach children how to identify dangerous situations.

Using 'Be careful' can create a sense of fear without teaching children how to avoid danger.

Encouraging toddlers to take manageable risks is vital for their development.

Fear of the unknown can lead to a reluctance to explore and try new things.

Toddlers need to learn how to navigate challenges to foster self-confidence and independence.

Instead of 'Be careful', provide specific instructions to guide children's actions.

Asking questions like 'Do you feel safe?' can encourage children to consider their safety.

Reassurance such as 'I'm right here if you need me' can provide safety without instilling fear.

Using phrases like 'Bye, I'm leaving now!' can make toddlers feel insecure and anxious.

Toddlers take threats of being left behind literally, which can erode trust.

Instead of threatening to leave, acknowledge the child's feelings and set boundaries.

Creating positive reasons for leaving can make the transition easier for both parent and child.

Offering choices can help toddlers feel in control and part of the decision-making process.

Saying 'Don't throw your food' can encourage the undesired behavior by giving attention.

Instead of telling toddlers what not to do, tell them what to do to guide their behavior effectively.

Using praise like 'You're so clever!' might not be the most effective way to boost a toddler's self-esteem.

Research suggests that the way praise is given can significantly impact a child's development.

Transcripts

Whether your toddler is getting ready to go down the slide at the playground,

trying to climb a rock or piece of play equipment, climbing furniture at home,

or one of the million other potentially dangerous things toddlers get up to on a daily basis,

reminding them to "Be careful" is something you might often do without even thinking.

Of course, we all want to keep our children safe, and so with that in mind,

reminding them to be cautious seems to make perfect sense.

But telling them to "Be careful" doesn't teach your child how to identify dangerous situations

or keep themselves safe. In fact, using this phrase frequently can have unintended negative

impacts on all aspects of their development, and it's not the only one. There are two other phrases

that I'm also going to share in this video that seem effective in the short term but aren't great

for medium to long term development. And don't worry, you'll also learn some phrases to use

instead that are much more effective. Now you're probably wondering how saying a simple phrase can

impact development. And I know it sounds strange, but here's how. When you tell your toddler to be

careful, you signal to them that there is danger, but they have no idea what that danger is or how

to avoid it. They just know that this person I trust is telling me that I'm in danger and I

should be scared. Now this may be effective at preventing them in doing whatever they're doing

in that moment by creating an immediate sense of fear. But over the long term, it can have

unintended negative impacts on all aspects of their development. The problem is they feel that

sense of fear, but they don't know what exactly they should be fearful of or what is creating the

danger that you're warning them about. Over time, this leads them to be less willing to explore and

try new things as they start to worry that everything new is potentially dangerous.

And this is where the problem lies. Encouraging your toddler to take manageable risks is vital

for their development. These experiences allow them to test their limits, learn about themselves

and navigate challenges. And this helps to foster self-confidence and independence. But if they're

always fearful of going outside their comfort zone, their ability to push their limits and

extend their skills is reduced. And as a result, this reduces the number of developmental

opportunities they experience on a daily basis. This isn't just limited to their fine and gross

motor development. The reluctance to go outside their comfort zone can also have a flow-on effect

in regards to their social and cognitive development. This sense of fear can also foster

dependence as they begin seeking your approval before attempting anything new. Now, as with

anything, there are varying degrees to this. I'm not saying you should never tell your toddler to

"Be careful." However, there are other phrases that you can use that are more effective. So next time

you're about to say "Be careful" as they're about to do something adventurous, here are a couple of

options that you could consider using instead. Let's say your child is swinging a stick around

in the middle of a crowded playground. In this case, you want them to stop what they're doing.

But rather than saying "Be careful", you want to provide specific instructions. For example,

you might say "Put the stick on the ground. You might hurt someone." In this case, they know

exactly what you want them to do. Whereas "Be careful" is vague. This means you're more likely

to get an immediate positive result. By also saying you might hurt someone, you're avoiding

that fear response. Rather than feeling like they're in danger, they understand why you want

them to put the stick down. Now, there may be situations where you don't want them to stop what

they're doing, but you do want them to consider their safety. In these cases, you can encourage

them to consider their safety by asking questions like "Do you feel safe?" Or offering reassurance with

"You can do this, just take your time." And sometimes it's us as parents who are fearful, which let's

face it, it's quite often the case if you've got a toddler. Now that's perfectly normal. And if and

when this happens, you want to think about how you can support them in order to help alleviate your

fears. For example, if they're climbing a tree or the monkey bars, instead of saying be careful,

stand close by so that you can catch them if needed and casually say "I'm right here if you

need me." That way you're not giving a sense of what you're doing is dangerous, but you get

reassurance knowing they are safe with you there. And they also get that feeling of confidence and

reassurance by having you there if they ever need it. Because some toddlers like my son have no

sense of fear whatsoever. By reframing our responses in these ways, we're empowering our

toddlers to explore safely while fostering their independence, confidence and allowing them to be

exposed to as many developmentally beneficial experiences as possible. This next phrase is

something you might find yourself saying whenever you take your toddler anywhere fun. For example,

you're at the playground and you've had a great time, but now it's time to leave. And this is

where the real fun begins. You're trying to persuade your toddler it's time to leave, but

they're not budging. In a moment of desperation, you say "Bye, I'm leaving now!" And start walking

away without them. After a moment of defiance, suddenly they're running towards you tears in

their eyes pleading "Don't leave me!". This reaction with them running after you feels like a win in

the moment. You've managed to get them to leave. But telling your toddler you're leaving without

them as a way to get them moving isn't a great idea. And that's because toddlers take things

very literally. If you say you're leaving, they don't see it as a bluff or a strategy to get them

to act quickly. They believe it could really happen. The message it sends is that your love

and presence are conditional. They start to believe that if I don't listen right away or behave just

right, my parents might leave me or stop loving me. These thoughts can make your toddler feel

insecure and anxious. Moreover, if you keep saying you'll leave without them, but never actually do

it because truthfully, you'll never really leave them. They start to believe that your warnings are

just empty threats. This erodes trust because they learn that you don't mean what you say.

It also teaches them that they might not have to take what you say seriously, which isn't a lesson

you want your toddler to learn. With this in mind, next time you're at the point of needing to leave

instead of scaring them into leaving by saying"Bye, I'm leaving now." Give this a try instead.

First, start by acknowledging how they feel with something like "You're having so much fun,

it's hard to leave." Then set the boundaries by stating, "But it's time to go home now."

Next, you want to try and make leaving a bit more enticing by talking about the exciting things

waiting for them at home or the next destination. For example, you might say "At home, we're going to

play with your favorite cars." This creates a positive reason for them to want to leave.

Then you want to help them feel in control and part of the decision making process by

offering them two choices. So you might say, "Would you like to walk or should I carry you?"

After doing these steps, if they continue to find it difficult to leave, you want to acknowledge

their emotions and then help them leave. So you might say "Leaving is so hard. I'm going to help

you now." At which point you would pick them up and leave. Adopting this approach not only makes

leaving less stressful for both of you, but it also reinforces your toddler's trust in you

and their understanding that they're supported and loved regardless of the situation.

Oh, by the way, before I move on to the next phrase, if you'd like a list of even more phrases

to avoid and alternatives to use with your toddler instead, I've included a link to that down in the

description below. So go ahead and grab that if you're interested. Next up is a really common

phrase that's often used when toddlers are doing something they shouldn't. But the thing is,

saying this can actually encourage them to do it more. To show you what I mean, I want you to

imagine your toddler is at the dining table and they start throwing their food on the ground.

Immediately, you rush over arms waving and loudly say, "Stop throwing your food!" But instead of

stopping, they just do it again. Saying "Don't throw your food" or "No throwing food" would lead

to the same outcome. The reason this makes them do it more is because they get something that they

absolutely love from you. A big animated reaction, which, although not funny to us, is often quite

funny to them, as well as your undivided attention. It's cause and effect. I drop food, mom or dad

come running and look really funny and fuss over me for a couple of minutes. This is a win for your

toddler. If you want to effectively guide your toddler away from undesirable behaviors, whether

it's food throwing, playing with power points, touching other things in the house they shouldn't,

throwing toys, climbing furniture or anything else you can think of. Try this alternative.

Instead of telling them what NOT to do, tell them what TO do. Just telling your toddler what not to

do is complex for them because it requires them to firstly understand and comprehend that you're

telling them not to do that, despite your animated actions and attention being rewarding and

motivating for them. And then they need to be able to figure out what you want them to do instead,

which is challenging for a toddler if you haven't given specific instructions.

Sticking with the food throwing example, next time this happens, here's what you can try. First,

tell them what to do. In this case, it would be "Food stays on the table or goes in your mouth."

This is much easier for them to understand as you're removing the guesswork and just telling

them straight up what they should do. This clear way of communicating makes it easier for your

toddler to follow your instructions, and it also reduces their frustration because they aren't

constantly hearing no, don't or stop. This in turn can help boost their confidence and self-esteem

because they don't always feel like they're in trouble or doing something wrong. Another way you

might try to boost your little one's self-esteem and confidence to explore and develop is by

showering them with genuine praise. You might say things like, "You're so clever!" "You're amazing!",

or you're so smart. While these phrases might seem encouraging, research suggests that they might not

be the most effective way to praise your toddler. In fact, this kind of praise can sometimes have

unintended negative effects. Watch this video next to learn about the different types of praise and

how they impact your child. More importantly, I'll share one simple tweak you can make in the way you

give praise, which will encourage your toddler to explore and develop as well as build their

self-esteem.