How to spot a liar - Pamela Meyer

Summary

This engaging talk explores the prevalence of lying in society, examining why people lie and how deception can be detected. It delves into the cooperative nature of lying, the impact of deception on trust, and offers strategies for lie-spotting and truth-seeking. The speaker uses real-life examples and scientific insights to highlight the complexities of deception and the importance of fostering honesty.

Takeaways

• 😶 Everyone is a liar to some extent, and deception is a cooperative act where the power of a lie emerges when someone agrees to believe it.
• 💼 Not all lies are harmful; some are used for social dignity or to keep secrets, but others can have significant costs, such as corporate fraud.
• 🌐 Deception is prevalent in society, with studies showing that people are lied to multiple times a day, and certain groups (like extroverts and men) tend to lie more.
• 👶 Lying is a learned behavior that starts early in life, with children as young as babies exhibiting deceptive behaviors.
• 🌟 Deception has evolutionary value and is common across intelligent species, indicating that humans are hardwired for deception.
• 🗣️ Speech patterns can reveal deception, such as non-contracted denials, distancing language, and qualifying language.
• 🤔 Body language is a key indicator of deception, but common assumptions about liars (like fidgeting or avoiding eye contact) are often incorrect.
• 👀 Genuine emotions, like those of a grieving mother, contrast sharply with the demeanor of someone lying about a traumatic event.
• 🔍 Spotting deception involves looking for clusters of deceptive behaviors rather than isolated actions, and it requires a combination of science and intuition.
• 🤝 Approaching deception with curiosity and respect, rather than aggression, can lead to more effective truth-seeking conversations.
• 🌐 In a world increasingly filled with noise and oversharing, maintaining honesty and integrity in personal interactions is more important than ever.

Q & A

What is the primary goal of the speaker in the presentation?

The primary goal of the speaker is to educate the audience about why people lie, how to become adept at spotting lies, and why it is beneficial to transition from merely detecting lies to seeking the truth and ultimately building trust.

According to the speaker, why is lying considered a cooperative act?

Lying is considered a cooperative act because a lie has no power by itself; its power comes when someone else agrees to believe it. This means that deception requires the participation of both the liar and the person being deceived.

What are some common types of lies mentioned in the presentation?

Common types of lies mentioned include white lies, lies told to protect social dignity, lies to keep secrets, and lies for personal gain or to avoid consequences.

How does the speaker describe the impact of deception on a large scale?

The speaker describes the impact of deception on a large scale as potentially disastrous, citing examples such as corporate fraud costing billions, historical cases of espionage compromising national security, and large-scale financial scandals like Enron and the mortgage crisis.

What are some key indicators of deception in speech, according to the presentation?

Key indicators of deception in speech include the use of non-contracted denials, distancing language, qualifying language, and an overabundance of detail in a chronological order.

What role does body language play in detecting lies, based on the presentation?

Body language is crucial in detecting lies as it can reveal inconsistencies between what a person says and their physical actions. Liars may freeze their upper bodies, make too much eye contact, display fake smiles, or exhibit 'duping delight' (a subtle smile of satisfaction).

How can trained interrogators use body language to detect deception?

Trained interrogators can detect deception by observing clusters of behaviors such as inconsistent gestures, changes in blink rate, vocal tone alterations, and the use of barrier objects. They also ask suspects to recount their stories in reverse order to catch them off guard.

What is 'duping delight' and how is it relevant in the context of deception?

'Duping delight' is the subtle smile or expression of satisfaction that liars may display when they believe they have successfully deceived someone. It is a key indicator that can reveal underlying deceit.

What is the significance of contempt in detecting deception?

Contempt, characterized by one lip corner pulled up and in, is significant because it indicates moral superiority and dismissal. It is a strong indicator that the relationship or situation may be beyond repair and is associated with deceit.

How does the speaker suggest we approach conversations to better detect lies?

The speaker suggests approaching conversations with curiosity rather than certainty, asking more questions, and treating the person with dignity and rapport. This involves observing their attitude, cooperation, and consistency throughout the conversation.

What examples does the speaker provide to illustrate genuine and deceptive emotional responses?

The speaker provides two examples: Diane Downes, who exhibited a cool demeanor and 'duping delight' while describing horrific events, indicating deception; and Erin Runyon, who showed authentic grief and agony while confronting her daughter's murderer, indicating genuine emotion.

What advancements in technology are mentioned as tools for detecting deception?

The speaker mentions advancements such as specialized eye trackers, infrared brain scans, and MRIs that decode bodily signals during deception. However, the speaker emphasizes the importance of human tools and character assessment over relying solely on technology.

How does the speaker suggest we can create a more honest world?

The speaker suggests being more explicit about our moral code, combining the science of recognizing deception with the art of looking and listening, and signaling to those around us that we value truth. This approach helps create an environment where truth is strengthened and falsehood is marginalized.

Outlines

00:00

🤥 The Prevalence of Deception

The speaker humorously introduces the topic of lying, stating that everyone in the room, including the speaker, is a liar. The main goal is to explore why people lie, how to spot lies, and the importance of truth-seeking and trust-building. The speaker clarifies that the aim is not to play a blame game but to understand the cooperative nature of lying. They discuss the social and economic costs of deception, citing the high figures of corporate fraud and the impact of lies on personal and national security. The talk also touches on the psychology behind lying, explaining that it's an attempt to bridge the gap between our aspirations and reality, and the frequency of lies in everyday interactions.

05:01

🕵️‍♂️ Deciphering Deception Through Speech and Body Language

This paragraph delves into the patterns of deception in speech, such as non-contracted denials and distancing language, using examples from political figures. It highlights the importance of recognizing these linguistic cues to discern truth from lies. The speaker also addresses misconceptions about body language, explaining that liars may freeze rather than fidget and may maintain eye contact to appear honest. They emphasize the need for scientific understanding to accurately interpret these non-verbal cues, debunking common myths about liars' behavior.

10:02

🔎 Identifying Deceptive Behaviors and 'Hot Spots'

The speaker discusses the importance of attitude in detecting deception, noting that honest individuals tend to be cooperative and consistent throughout conversations, while deceptive individuals may be withdrawn and provide excessive details in a rigid chronological order. They introduce the concept of 'hot spots' in conversations, which are discrepancies between words and actions that can indicate deception. The speaker also mentions the use of technology, such as eye trackers and brain scans, in detecting lies, but stresses the importance of human skills in recognizing deception.

15:04

😢 The Contrast Between Truth and Deception

In this paragraph, the speaker presents a stark contrast between the demeanor of a mother who lied about her children's murder and a mother who is genuinely grieving. The first mother exhibits a chilling discrepancy between her calm demeanor and the horrific event she describes, while the second mother's raw emotion is undeniably authentic. The speaker also touches on the progress in technology that can help decode deception, but emphasizes that the art of observation and listening remains crucial in discerning truth from lies.

Keywords

💡Deception

Deception refers to the act of misleading someone by concealing the truth or providing false information. In the video, deception is the central theme, as the speaker discusses how lying is a cooperative act and how it is deeply ingrained in human behavior. An example from the script is the mention of corporate fraud, which cost billions of dollars, illustrating the high stakes involved in deceptive practices.

💡Lie Spotting

Lie spotting is the ability to identify when someone is being dishonest. The video emphasizes the importance of becoming a 'live spotter,' someone who uses scientific knowledge to detect deception. The speaker uses the term to describe the process of recognizing lies through both verbal and non-verbal cues, as well as the importance of not just spotting lies but also seeking the truth.

💡Cooperative Act

A cooperative act in the context of the video refers to the idea that lying requires the participation of both the liar and the person being lied to. The speaker states that 'lying is a cooperative act,' meaning that the power of a lie emerges when someone agrees to believe it, highlighting the mutual nature of deception.

💡Duping Delight

Duping delight is a term used to describe the expression of pleasure or satisfaction that some people exhibit when they believe they have successfully deceived someone. In the video, the speaker mentions 'duping delight' as a sign of deception, particularly when the person is lying but also showing signs of enjoying the act of deceiving.

💡Non-Contracted Denial

Non-contracted denial is a formal way of denying something, often used by individuals when they are being deceptive. The speaker cites this as a tell-tale sign of deception, where people use formal language instead of informal language when denying something, as heard in the example of someone denying sexual relations.

💡Facial Expressions

Facial expressions are movements of the face that convey emotions or intentions. The video discusses how facial expressions can be indicators of deception, such as fake smiles or expressions of contempt. The speaker teaches the audience to distinguish between genuine and fake smiles, which is crucial for lie spotting.

💡Contagion

Contagion in the video refers to the idea that lying is a learned behavior that can spread among individuals, similar to a contagion. The speaker suggests that we are all capable of lying, and this ability is part of our cultural and historical heritage, indicating that deception is a widespread phenomenon.

💡Truth Seeking

Truth seeking is the active pursuit of uncovering the truth, often in contrast to merely spotting lies. The speaker encourages the audience to go beyond lie spotting to truth seeking, emphasizing the importance of not just identifying deception but also uncovering the truth behind it.

💡Post-Truth Society

A post-truth society is a term used to describe a culture or time in which objective facts are less influential in shaping public opinion than appeals to emotion and personal belief. The speaker refers to the current world as a 'post-truth society,' indicating the challenges in discerning truth in a world cluttered with deception.

💡Indicators of Deception

Indicators of deception are signs or behaviors that suggest someone may be lying. The video provides several examples of such indicators, including changes in body language, vocal tone, and facial expressions. The speaker explains that while these behaviors are not definitive proof of deception, they can serve as red flags that prompt further investigation.

💡Moral Code

A moral code is a set of principles or rules that guide behavior, often concerning what is right and wrong. The speaker discusses the importance of having a clear moral code in a world filled with deception, suggesting that being explicit about one's values can help create an environment of honesty and integrity.

Highlights

The speaker introduces the concept that everyone in the room is a liar, setting the stage for a discussion on deception.

The goal is clarified to not teach a game of 'gotcha' but to understand deception and build trust.

A core proposition is introduced: lying is a cooperative act, requiring someone to believe the lie for it to have power.

Not all lies are harmful; some are part of social dignity, like white lies to avoid hurting feelings.

The cost of deception can be dramatic, with 997 billion dollars lost to corporate fraud in the United States alone.

Deception can have serious consequences, including undermining democracy and causing deaths.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of understanding one's own desires to avoid being deceived.

Studies show that people are lied to frequently, from 10 to 200 times a day.

Different types of people lie differently; for example, extroverts lie more than introverts.

Lying is complex and woven into the fabric of daily and business lives, with both positive and negative aspects.

Deception has evolutionary value and is as old as humanity itself, with examples from literature and history.

Young children are shown to exhibit deceptive behaviors, indicating that lying is hardwired from an early age.

The modern world is described as a 'post-truth society' with deception being rampant.

Two patterns of deception are introduced: speech and body language, with examples provided.

The importance of attitude in detecting deception is discussed, with honest people being cooperative and enthusiastic.

Contrary to common belief, liars often look into the eyes too much and use too much detail in their stories.

The concept of 'duping delight' is introduced, where liars show pleasure in deceiving others.

Technological advancements in detecting deception, such as eye trackers and brain scans, are mentioned.

The speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of combining the science of deception with human intuition and moral code.

Transcripts

okay now I don't want to alarm anybody

in this room but it's just come to my

attention that the person to your right

is a liar

also the person to your left is a liar

also the person sitting in your very

seats is a liar we're all liars what I'm

going to do today is I'm going to show

you what the research says about why

we're all Liars how you can become a

live spotter and why you might want to

go the extra mile and go from lie

spotting to truth seeking and ultimately

to trust building now speaking of trust

ever since I wrote this book live

spotting no one wants to meet me in

person anymore no no no no no they say

it's okay we'll e-mail you I can't even

get a coffee date at Starbucks my

husband's like honey Deception maybe you

could've focused on cooking how about

French cooking so before we get started

what I'm going to do is I'm going to

clarify my goal for you which is not to

teach a game of gotcha live spotters

aren't those in nitpicky kids those kids

in the back of the room that are

shouting gotcha gotcha your eyebrow

twitched you flared your nostril I

watched that TV show lie to me I know

you're lying no lie spiders are armed

with scientific knowledge of how to spot

deception they use it to get to the

truth and they do what mature leaders do

every day they have difficult

conversations with difficult people

sometimes during very difficult times

and they start up that path by accepting

a core proposition and that proposition

is the following lying is a cooperative

act think about it a lie has no power

whatsoever bytes mere utterance its

power emerges when someone else agrees

to believe the lie so I know it may

sound like tough love but look if at

some point you got lied to

it's because you agreed to get lied to

truth number one about line lines a

cooperative act now not all lies are

harmful

sometimes we're willing participants in

deception for the sake of social dignity

maybe to keep a secret that should be

kept secret secret we say nice song

honey you don't look fat in that no or

we say favorite of the digerati you know

I just fished that email out of my spam

folder I'm so sorry but there are times

when we are unwilling participants in

deception and that can have dramatic

cost for us last year saw 997 billion

dollars in corporate fraud alone in the

United States that's an eyelash under a

trillion dollars that's seven percent of

revenues deception can cost billions

think Enron mad off the mortgage crisis

or in the case of double agents and

traitors like Robert Hansen or Aldrich

Ames lies can betray our country they

can compromise our security they can

undermine democracy that can cause the

deaths of those the defenders deception

is actually serious business this conman

Henri Oberlander he was such an

effective con man British authorities

say he could have undermined the entire

banking system of the Western world and

you can't find this guy on Google you

can't find him anywhere he was

interviewed once and he said the

following he said look I've got one rule

and this was Henry's rule he said look

everyone is willing to give you

something they're ready to give you

something for whatever it is they're

hungry for and that's the crux of it if

you don't want to be deceived you have

to know what is it that you're hungry

for and we all kind of hate to admit it

you know we kind of wish we were better

husbands better wives smarter more

powerful taller richer the list goes on

lying is an attempt to bridge that gap

to connect our wishes and our fantasies

about who we wish we were how we wish we

could be with what we're really like and

boy are we willing to fill in those gaps

in our lives with lies on a given day

studies show that you may be lied to

anywhere from 10 to 200 times now

granted many of those are white lies

but in another study it showed that

strangers lied three times within the

first 10 minutes of meeting each other

now when we first hear this data we

recoil we can't believe how prevalent

lying is we're essentially against lying

but if you look more closely the plot

actually thickens we lie more to

strangers than we lie to co-workers

extroverts lie more than introverts men

lie eight times more about themselves

and they do other people women lie more

to protect other people if you're in an

average married couple you're going to

live your spouse in one out of every ten

interactions now you may think that's

bad if you're unmarried that number

drops to three lying's complex it's

woven into the fabric of our daily and

our business lives we're deeply

ambivalent about the truth we parse it

out on an as-needed basis sometimes for

very very good reasons and other times

just because we don't understand the

gaps in our lives that's truth number

two about lying we're against lying but

we're covertly for it it ways that our

society has sanctioned for centuries and

centuries and centuries it's as old as

breathing it's part of our culture it's

part of our history think dante

shakespeare the bible news of the world

dying has evolutionary value to us as a

species researchers have long known that

the more intelligent the species that

larger the neocortex the more likely it

is to be deceptive now you might

remember cocoa does anybody here

remember Coco the gorilla who was taught

sign language Coco was taught to

communicate via sign language

here's Coco with her kitten is her cute

little fluffy petkin Coco once blamed

her pet kitten for ripping a sink out of

the wall

where we're hardwired to become leaders

of the pack it starts really really

early

how early well babies will fake a cry

pause wait to see who's coming and then

go right back to crying one-year-olds

learn concealment two-year-olds Bluff

five-year-olds lie outright they

manipulate via flattery nine-year-olds

Masters of the cover-up by the time you

enter college you're going to lie to

your mom and 1 out of every 5

interactions by the time we entered this

work world and we're breadwinners we

enter a world that is just cluttered

with spam fake digital friends partisan

media ingenious identity thieves world

class Ponzi schemers a deception

epidemic in short what one author calls

a post truth society it's been very

confusing for a long time now what do

you do well there steps we can take to

navigate our way through the morass

trained licensed were only 54 percent

accurate why is it so easy to learn well

they're good liars and they're bad liars

they're no real original liars we all

make the same mistakes we all use the

same techniques so what I'm going to do

is I'm going to show you two patterns of

deception and then we're going to look

at the hotspots and see if we can find

them ourselves we're going to start with

speech I want you to listen to me I'm

going to say this again I did not have

sexual relations with that woman miss

Lewinsky

I never told anybody to lie not a single

time never these allegations are false

and I need to go back to work for the

American people thank you

okay

what were the tell-tale signs well first

we heard what's known as a non

contracted denial studies show that

people who are over determined in their

denial will resort to formal rather than

informal language

we also heard distancing language that

woman we know that Liars will

unconsciously distance themselves from

their subject using language as their

tool now Phil Clinton said well they

tell you the truth or Richard Nixon's

favorite in all candor he would have

been a dead giveaway for any live

spotter that knows the qualifying

language as it's called qualifying

language like that further discredits

the subject now if he had repeated the

question in its entirety or if he had

peppered his account with a little too

much detail and we're all really glad he

didn't do that he would have further

discredited himself Freud had it right

Freud said look there's much more to it

than speech no mortal can keep a secret

if his lips are silent he chatters with

his fingertips and we all do it no

matter how powerful you are we all

chatter with our fingertips I'm going to

show you Dominique strauss-kahn with

Obama who's chattering with his

fingertips

now this brings us to our next pattern

which is body language with body

language here's what you got to do you

really got to just throw your

assumptions out the door let the science

temper your knowledge a little bit

because we think Liars fidget all the

time well guess what they're known to

freeze their upper bodies when they're

lying

we think Liars won't look in the eyes

well guess what they look you in the

eyes a little too much just to

compensate for that myth we think warmth

and smiles convey honesty sincerity but

a trained licensed pot a fake smile a

mile away can you all spot the fake

smile here you can consciously contract

the muscles in your cheeks

but the real smiles in the eyes the

crow's feet of the eyes they cannot be

consciously contracted especially if you

overdid the Botox don't overdo the Botox

nobody will think you're honest and now

we're going to look at the hot spots can

you tell what's happening in a

conversation can you start to find the

hot spots to see the discrepancies

between someone's words and someone's

actions now I know it seems really

obvious but when you're having a

conversation with someone that used

suspect of deception attitude is by far

the most overlooked but telling of

indicators an honest person is going to

be cooperative they're going to show

they're on your side they're going to be

enthusiastic they're going to be willing

and helpful in getting you to the truth

they're going to be willing to

brainstorm named suspects provide

details they're going to say hey maybe

it was those guys in payroll that forge

those checks they're going to be

infuriated if they sense the wrongly

accused without the entire course of the

interview not just in flashes they'll be

infuriated throughout the entire course

of the interview and if you ask someone

honest what should happen to ever did

forge those checks an honest person is

much more likely to recommend strict

rather than lenient punishment

now let's say you're having that exact

same conversation with someone deceptive

that person may be withdrawn look down

lower their voice

pause be kind of herky-jerky ask a

deceptive person to tell their story

they're going to pepper it with way too

much detail in all kinds of irrelevant

places and then they're going to tell

their story in strict chronological

order and what a trained interrogator

does is they come in and in very subtle

ways in over the course of several hours

they will ask that person to tell their

story backwards and then they'll watch

them squirm and track which questions

produce the highest volume of deceptive

tells why do they do that well we all do

the same thing we rehearse our words but

we rarely rehearse our gestures we say

yes we shake our heads no we tell very

convincing stories we slightly shrug our

shoulders we commit terrible crimes and

we smile at the delight in getting away

with it

now that smile is known in the trade as

duping delight and we're going to see

that in several videos moving forward

but we're going to start for those of

you that don't know him this is

presidential candidate John Edwards who

shocked America by fathering a child out

of wedlock

we're going to see him talk about

getting a paternity test to see now if

you can spot him saying yes while

shaking his head no slightly shrugging

his shoulders lots of be happy to

participate in one I know that it's not

possible that this child could be mine

because of the timing of events so I

know it's not possible happy to take a

paternity test and would love to see it

are you going to do that soon is there

somebody that you can't only one side

how can only one side of the test but

I'm happy to participate okay those

headshakes

are much easier to spot once you know to

look for them now they're going to be

times when someone makes one expression

while masking another that just kind of

leaks through in a flash murderers are

known to leak sadness your new joint

venture partner might shake your hand

celebrate go out to dinner with you and

then leak an expression of anger and

we're not all going to become facial

expression experts overnight here but

there's one I can teach you that's very

dangerous and it's easy to learn

that's the expression of contempt now

the anger you've got two people in an

even playing field it's still somewhat

of a healthy relationship but when anger

turns to contempt you've been dismissed

it's associated with moral superiority

and for that reasons it's very very hard

to recover from here's what it looks

like it's marked by one lip corner

pulled up and in it's the only a

symmetrical expression and in the

presence of contempt whether or not

deception follows and it doesn't always

follow look the other way go the other

direction reconsider the deal say no

thank you I'm not coming up for just one

more nightcap thank you

science has surfaced many many more

indicators we know for example we know

Liars will shift their blink rate point

their feet towards an exit

they will take barrier objects and put

them between themselves and the person

that's interviewing them they'll alter

their vocal tone often making them

making their vocal tone much lower now

here's the deal these behaviors are just

behaviors they're not proof of deception

they're red flags were human beings we

make deceptive flailing gestures all

over the place all day long they don't

mean anything in and of themselves but

when you see clusters of them that's

your signal

look listen probe ask some hard

questions get out of that very

comfortable mode of knowing walk into

curiosity mode ask more questions have a

little dignity treat the person you're

talking to with rapport don't try to be

like those folks on Law & Order and

those other TV shows that pummel their

subjects into submission don't be too

aggressive it doesn't work now we've

talked a little bit about how to talk to

someone who's lying I'm gonna have a

spot a lie and as I promise we're now

going to look at what the truth looks

like but I'm going to show you two

videos two mothers one is lying one is

telling the truth and these were

surfaced by researcher David Matsumoto

in California and I think they're an

excellent example of what the truth

looks like this mother Diane Downes shot

her kids at close range drove him to the

hospital while they bled all over the

car claimed a scraggy haired stranger

did it and you

see when you see the video she can't

even pretend to be an agonizing mother

what you want to look for here is an

incredible discrepancy between horrific

events that she describes and her very

very cool demeanor and if you look

closely you'll see duping delight

throughout this video but at night when

I close my eyes I can see Kristi

reaching her hand out to me while I'm

driving and the blood just keep coming

out of her mouth and that maybe it'll

fade too with time but I don't think so

that haunts me the most

now I'm going to show you a video of an

actual grieving mother Erin Runyon

confronting her daughter's murderer and

torture in court here you're gonna see

no false emotion just the authentic

expression of a mother's agony I wrote

the statement on the 3rd anniversary of

the night you took my baby and you heard

her

then you crushed her she terrified her

till her heart stopped

then she fought and I know she fought

you my nurse she looked at you with

those amazing brown eyes and you still

wanted to kill her and I don't

understand it and I never will

ok there's no doubting the veracity of

those emotions now the technology around

what the truth looks like is progressing

on the science of it we know for example

that we now have specialized eye

trackers infrared brain scans MRIs that

can decode the signals that our bodies

send out when we're trying to be

deceptive and these technologies are

going to be marketed all of us as

panaceas for deceit and they will prove

incredibly useful someday but you got to

ask yourself in the meantime who do you

want on your side of the meeting someone

who's trained in getting to the truth or

some guys going to drag a 400-pound

Elektra cephalo gram through the door

lye spotters rely on human tools they

know as someone once said characters who

you are in the dark and what's kind of

interesting is that today we have so

little darkness our world is lit up 24

hours a day it's transparent with blogs

and social networks broadcasting the

buzz of a whole new generation of people

that have made a choice to live their

lives in public it's a much more noisy

world so one challenge we have is to

remember over sharing that's not honesty

our matic tweeting and texting can blind

us to the fact that the subtleties of

human decency character integrity that's

still it matters that's always what's

going to matter

so in this much noisier world it might

make sense for us to be just a little

bit more explicit about our moral code

when you combine the science of

recognizing deception with the art of

looking listening you exempt yourself

from collaborating in a lie you start up

that path of being just a little bit

more explicit because you signal to

everyone around you you say hey my world

our world it's going to be an honest one

my world is going to be one where truth

is strengthened and false it is

recognized and marginalized and when you

do that the ground around you starts to

shift just a little bit and that's the

truth

you