How to Not Feel like a Failure Despite Setbacks
Summary
TLDRThe speaker explores the concept of accepting failure, challenging the notion that one has done everything they can. They argue that true acceptance comes from understanding the difference between actions and outcomes, suggesting that peace with failure arises when one has given their all. Drawing on examples from professional athletes and the Bhagavad-Gita, the discussion emphasizes self-compassion and forgiveness as keys to overcoming the internal struggle with perceived failure. The talk delves into the root of self-blame and the importance of recognizing one's worthiness of compassion.
Takeaways
- 🤔 Accepting failure becomes easier when you believe you've done everything you can. Doubt about your efforts can make failure harder to accept.
- 🏌️♂️ In sports like golf, success or failure is largely about the individual's performance, not external factors, highlighting the importance of personal effort over external outcomes.
- 💡 The concept of 'karma' and 'fate' suggests that you are only entitled to your actions, not the outcomes. This perspective can help in accepting failure as part of the process.
- 🚀 The root of not being able to accept failure often lies in unrealistic expectations or a belief that you could have done more, which is a form of self-blame.
- 🧘♂️ Understanding what you are truly owed in life, versus what you desire, is crucial in managing expectations and accepting failure.
- 💔 The inability to accept failure often stems from a deep-seated belief that you could have done more, leading to self-blame and a lack of self-compassion.
- 🌱 Self-compassion is essential in dealing with failure. Forgiving yourself for not doing everything you could is a critical step in moving forward.
- 🤷♂️ People often fail to show themselves the same compassion they would extend to others, which can exacerbate feelings of failure and self-doubt.
- 🔍 Reflecting on why you aren't compassionate towards yourself can reveal underlying beliefs about your self-worth and whether you feel deserving of compassion.
- 🌟 Learning to view yourself as deserving of compassion and understanding that failure is a part of the journey, not a reflection of your worth, can help in accepting setbacks.
Q & A
What is the primary difficulty people face when trying to accept failure?
-The primary difficulty is the belief that they haven't done everything they could to succeed, which makes it hard to accept the outcome when they fail.
Why does the speaker suggest that people might feel at peace after giving their all and still failing?
-The speaker suggests that when people give their all, they can take pride in their effort, which can bring peace, even if the outcome isn't what they hoped for.
How does the speaker relate the concept of karma to accepting failure?
-The speaker explains that karma means action, and one is only entitled to their actions, not the outcomes. This perspective can help people accept failure as they understand they are not in control of the results.
What is the Bhagavad-Gita, and how does it relate to the discussion on failure?
-The Bhagavad-Gita is a conversation between Krishna and Arjuna, where Krishna explains that humans are not entitled to the fruits of their actions, only to the actions themselves, which can help in accepting failure.
Why might people have trouble accepting failure according to the script?
-People might have trouble accepting failure because they have unrealistic expectations about themselves or believe deep down that they could have done more.
What is the role of self-compassion in accepting failure?
-Self-compassion is crucial in accepting failure as it allows individuals to forgive themselves for not being perfect and to understand that they deserve slack for not always performing optimally.
How does the speaker suggest we should treat ourselves when we fail?
-The speaker suggests that we should treat ourselves with the same compassion and understanding we would offer to others in similar situations, acknowledging our efforts and forgiving ourselves for the shortcomings.
What is the potential consequence of not being compassionate towards ourselves after failing?
-The potential consequence is a cycle of negative emotions that can lead to more failure in the future, as the lack of self-compassion can hinder personal growth and resilience.
Why do people often blame themselves excessively after failing?
-People blame themselves excessively because they believe they could have done more, which leads to self-criticism and a lack of self-compassion.
How does the speaker define 'entitlement' in the context of actions and outcomes?
-The speaker defines 'entitlement' as the expectation of a particular outcome based on one's actions, which is not always warranted since outcomes are not always within our control.
What does the speaker imply about the relationship between self-worth and self-compassion?
-The speaker implies that a lack of self-compassion may stem from low self-worth, where individuals view themselves as unworthy of compassion due to perceived failures or shortcomings.
Outlines
🤔 Accepting Failure After Giving Your Best
The speaker begins by challenging the notion of failure, suggesting that when one truly believes they have done everything they could, failure becomes more acceptable. They argue that the difficulty in accepting failure often stems from not feeling like enough was done. The speaker uses the example of investment bankers who feel like failures despite their success, and professional athletes who find peace in their performance regardless of the outcome. The key takeaway is that if you've given your all, there's a sense of peace and pride in your efforts, even if the result isn't what you hoped for.
🧘♂️ The Root of Failure Acceptance: Entitlement and Self-Compassion
This paragraph delves into the concept of entitlement and how it affects our ability to accept failure. The speaker explains that people often struggle with failure because they believe they are owed success due to their efforts. They introduce the idea of 'karma' from the Bhagavad-Gita, emphasizing that we are only entitled to our actions, not the outcomes. The speaker encourages reflecting on what one is truly owed in life and suggests that self-compassion is crucial in accepting failure. They point out the irony of being compassionate towards others but not ourselves, highlighting the importance of self-forgiveness and understanding our limitations.
🔄 Overcoming Self-Blame and Learning Self-Compassion
The speaker addresses the issue of self-blame and the lack of self-compassion when we fail to meet our own expectations. They suggest that acknowledging the possibility of having done more is the first step, but it should be followed by forgiveness and cutting oneself some slack. The speaker emphasizes the importance of changing our internal dialogue to be more supportive and less critical. They also explore why some people are not compassionate towards themselves, suggesting it may be due to a deep-seated belief that they do not deserve better. The paragraph concludes with the idea that self-compassion is a learned behavior and that changing our self-perception is key to overcoming this issue.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Acceptance
💡Failure
💡Self-Compassion
💡Unrealistic Expectations
💡Control
💡Entitlement
💡Forgiveness
💡Self-Blame
💡Karma and Dharma
💡Self-Worth
💡Learned Behavior
Highlights
The importance of accepting failure and how it becomes easier when you believe you've done everything you can.
The peace that can come with failure when you've given your all, using the example of buying lottery tickets.
The concept of karma and dharma from the Bhagavad-Gita, explaining that we are only entitled to our actions, not the outcomes.
The difficulty in accepting failure often stems from an unrealistic expectation of controlling outcomes.
The idea that failure can be accepted when you understand what you are truly owed in life.
The role of self-compassion in reconciling with failure and forgiving oneself for not doing everything possible.
The tendency to be harder on ourselves than we are on others when it comes to failure.
The need to practice self-compassion and cut ourselves some slack, just as we would with a friend.
Exploring the reasons behind the lack of self-compassion and how it relates to self-worth.
The realization that not being compassionate towards oneself may indicate a belief that one does not deserve compassion.
The importance of understanding where negative self-perceptions come from and that they are often learned behaviors.
The story of Helen and her experience applying to PA schools, illustrating how failures can shape one's self-view.
The idea that our self-worth and self-compassion are influenced by past experiences and the need to challenge these beliefs.
The psychological impact of failure and how it can lead to a negative self-branding if not addressed properly.
The need to reframe our understanding of failure and success, focusing on the effort rather than the outcome.
The role of mindset and perspective in accepting failure and moving forward without being held back by past experiences.
Transcripts
I see like invent investment bankers in
my office that make you know over a
million dollars a year and they still
feel like failures like it's bizarre
so let's start with with this question
how do you accept failure so SAN asks
how do you accept failure when you know
you've done all that you can I feel that
I have a really hard time accepting
failure when I tried my hardest and
still fail sometimes that seems to be
happening more and more as I get older I
can't help but think of my consequences
as failures so oddly enough I'm gonna
read the the question kind of a second
time so how do I oh [ __ ] where'd I just
do um how do I accept failure when I've
done everything that I can so I'm gonna
start by actually disputing the premise
of the question so I believe that
generally speaking when you truly
believe that you've done everything that
you can it becomes easier and easier to
accept failure failure becomes hard to
accept when you don't believe that
you've done everything that you can so I
wonder whether you truly believe that
you've done everything that you can
because at that point it sort of becomes
like it becomes common sense right like
if I you know if I if I like buy a
lottery lottery tickets I'm just trying
to think of a good example so if I like
if I if I really dig down and I give it
my all my experience of that and people
that I've worked with is that generally
speaking when you give it your all and
you fail there's actually a bizarre
amount of peace with that right you kind
of like the way that you feel is like
okay I gave it my best shot and I can
actually be proud of what I did like I
could be proud of the way that I showed
up that day and I gave it my best and it
wasn't good enough I work with some
professional athletes and like one of
them is a golfer and he was kind of
telling me that like you know so golf is
kind of a weird competitive sport
because you're not really like competing
against other people like nothing anyone
else does on the golf course can impact
the game that you play it's not like you
know a competitive eSports or donor
overwatch where you get outplayed like
you can't outplay anyone in golf because
you're just competing against yourself
really
and so when it comes to success or
failure in golf it's just about the game
that you played when you showed up and
even when we think about eSports like
when I work with eSports athletes like
people talk about you know how good of a
job they did and there's a lot of peace
with doing the best job that you can and
not getting something in my experience
if you feel like you're it's difficult
to accept failure chances are you
actually need to dig deeper and really
think about did you do everything that
you could do because then it's like if
you really did everything that you could
do like you know it's out of your
control like sometimes you're just when
you try you're just gonna fail like
that's just a given so why is it that
you can't accept that failure as an
option is that because you have an
unrealistic expectation about yourself
is it because you actually think you you
know deep down and this is what I'd put
my money on you know deep down that you
could have done more
but you did it and there's something
that's holding you back and I think
that's what you really need to explore
even when things are out of your control
it can be hard to accept failure yeah
that's true I mean I think sometimes it
can be hard to accept failure and I
think that how can I say this
so it's there's a difference between
let me just think
so we talked about this a little bit I
think on our last stream so I introduced
this concept of gamma Faridah so karma
means action and Faridah means root and
so a couple thousand years ago there's
this there was this conversation between
a guy named krishna and a guy named
arjun christian is sort of viewed as
like a hindu god in Arjun was a prince
and what Krishna explains to Arjuna in
this conversation called the
bhagavad-gita is that as a human being
you're not actually entitled to the
fruits of your actions all you're
entitled to is your actions
and that's kind of a bizarre way of
thinking about life like let me put it
this way like I'm not entitled to an A
in a class like I'm not actually
entitled to an a the only thing I'm
entitled to is like study I can study as
hard as I want to for a test and there's
still a chance that I'm gonna fail
there's nothing I can do to guarantee
getting an A but that's not the way that
we think right we think that our actions
actually control outcomes but it but in
the purest sense of the word like they
do not like that's just not absolutely
true so I can work really hard to become
a doctor and I can on the day of my
graduation I can be walking down the
street and I can get hit by a meteor
it's possible I can work really hard to
become a doctor but I can't actually
control whether I become a doctor or not
right like maybe there are all kinds of
bizarre things that can get in the way
of like me controlling my future and so
I think a lot of people have trouble
accepting failure because the route of
accepting failure is in understanding
what you are entitled to and what you
are not entitled to so like people get
hung up like so if I let's say that
there's there's someone that I'm
attracted to and I get so caught up in
them and I like really really want them
to like I you know I want them to I want
to ask them out and I want them to say
yes and I do everything that I can to
control them saying yes I start being
really nice to them I start working out
I demonstrate myself as caring I pick
them up from the airport I you know like
when they break up with their current
boyfriend I'm the shoulder to cry on I
do everything right in somewhere along
the way I start to become entitled just
to having a relationship with them the
more that I invest in that relationship
I become entitled to a particular
outcome the more that I study for a test
I become entitled tip to the a
and then when I don't get the a it
becomes really hard to accept that
that the origin of being unable to
accept failure comes from a
miscalculation to what you are truly
owed in life
and so the big thing that you need to do
if you're having trouble accepting
failure is really stop and think about
like what was I owed in this situation
did I do the best that I can and like is
it really mine to control whether I
succeed or fail because most of people
like go through life expecting a
particular success and so you really
need to stop and think about like I
failed and did I really deserve to
succeed was I entitled to success
and the more you step away from that the
easier the easier it is to actually like
start to accept failure
so
this is sort of a slightly related
question do you feel like you can hide
behind self-improvement in regards to
your calling ie same 'less
self-improvement without concrete
meaningful goal in mind so I want to
talk a little bit about
so I'm gonna just talk actually let me
just jump into this question so how do
you reconcile with failure when you know
you could have done more but you didn't
that's the problem right so a lot of
what's difficult to accept about failure
is you feel like you could have done
more and that in a sense is a true
failure because it's sort of like you
know you could have acted more but you
didn't and I think the biggest way to
overcome let's just like understand what
that means right so when you how do you
reconcile with failure when you know you
could have done more but you couldn't
you didn't so let's just think a little
bit about Amina 320 97 s question so
what are you doing to yourself when you
acknowledge that you could have done
more but you didn't you're blaming
yourself right so let's understand first
of all that you're beating yourself up
and you're blaming yourself so now the
question becomes how do you help someone
who's getting beaten up how do you help
someone who's getting blamed right so
like the answer there is compassion so
if someone is like having like a rough
time and they're getting like beat up
and this is the confusing thing because
we offer compassion to other people when
they when they're the one they're the
ones getting beat up we don't offer
compassion to ourselves we're so good at
beating the [ __ ] out of ourselves we're
so good at putting ourselves down
because we don't practice self
compassion
so how do you reconcile failure when you
know you could have done mourn you
didn't
the answer is forgiveness forgiveness
you need to accept that you're not
perfect and that you deserve some slack
because you can't be perfect all the
time but that's not how our mind thinks
right we think like oh I could have done
it therefore I'm gonna beat myself up
for not doing it but if you think about
like let's say you've got a body who
says oh man like you know I'm trying to
diet and I I like didn't I like you know
for a week I like ate pizza and like all
this other stuff that I'm not supposed
to like how do you respond to that
person you're like hey man that's okay
like cut yourself a break you've done
such a good job here and here just like
cut yourself some slack man but you
don't say that to yourself and so I
think if you're having trouble
reconciling with your failure because
you felt like you could have done more
first of all it's it's good to
acknowledge that and the second thing
that you need to do to prevent that
because those negative emotions are
gonna actually lead to more failure in
the future so what you really need to do
is learn how to forgive yourself and cut
yourself a break right say like hey I'm
not perfect like I'm not perfect so
sometimes I'm not going to be able to
achieve I'm not going to be able to
function like optimally and that'll help
you get you overcome the failure
yeah and so now I'm getting
all this stuff about how compassion
doesn't naturally
um exist so I'm a little bit torn
because I have other questions but this
feels like it's resonating with people
so I'm gonna stick with this thread for
a little bit
so now I'm going to ask you guys like
why aren't we compassionate towards
ourselves right like let's just think
about this for a second
so like where do I like so let's think
about Helens interview like so Helen is
not really compassionate with herself
right she blames herself for all kinds
of stuff under the Sun so how do we
learn why is it that we aren't
compassionate towards ourselves and this
is kind of a really dangerous idea but
like I want people to really understand
this like what kind of person doesn't
deserve so what kind of person are you
not compassionate towards like think
about that for a second
who would you so generally speaking
we're compassionate towards most people
but we're not compassionate towards some
people right
absolutely right so people are saying
DeGeneres like there's some people out
there who we don't feel deserve
compassion so [ __ ] people with low
self-worth a defiles degenerates and so
if you're not compassionate towards
yourself what can we logically conclude
about how you view yourself
what we can conclude is that they don't
deserve compassion
so just think about that for a second so
why aren't you compassionate towards
yourself it's because you don't feel
like you deserve better when we look at
Helen we see that right she feels like
she's a failure
because she doesn't and she's not
compassionate towards herself because
she doesn't deserve it
having trouble being compassionate
towards yourself you need to really
think about how you view yourself you
probably view yourself as a piece of
[ __ ] there's a part of you that isn't
worthy of compassion there's a part of
you that's degenerate
and like that's that's scary it's true
but it's scary because now the question
becomes
how did you learn like where did you get
that opinion of yourself like this is
really important to understand that a
lot of people like like this is a
learned behavior right like we learned
that we're failures it's not it's not
like we just wake up and like the
default position is for human beings to
believe they're failures like with hell
and we saw it
it was like she applied to 13 PA schools
she didn't say a bunch she didn't say a
few she said she applied to 13 like that
number is seared in her mind and she
didn't even get into a single one
so that's when she gets the idea like oh
man I'm a piece of [ __ ]
that's when that gets seared into a
brain it's it's like a brand that gets
branded into your psychology and for
everyone out there who feels like
they're a degenerate and who feels like
they're a failure like the first place
you got to start is where did you learn
that because that's something you
learned it's not the default State
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