How to Not Feel like a Failure Despite Setbacks

Summary

The speaker explores the concept of accepting failure, challenging the notion that one has done everything they can. They argue that true acceptance comes from understanding the difference between actions and outcomes, suggesting that peace with failure arises when one has given their all. Drawing on examples from professional athletes and the Bhagavad-Gita, the discussion emphasizes self-compassion and forgiveness as keys to overcoming the internal struggle with perceived failure. The talk delves into the root of self-blame and the importance of recognizing one's worthiness of compassion.

Takeaways

• 🤔 Accepting failure becomes easier when you believe you've done everything you can. Doubt about your efforts can make failure harder to accept.
• 🏌️‍♂️ In sports like golf, success or failure is largely about the individual's performance, not external factors, highlighting the importance of personal effort over external outcomes.
• 💡 The concept of 'karma' and 'fate' suggests that you are only entitled to your actions, not the outcomes. This perspective can help in accepting failure as part of the process.
• 🚀 The root of not being able to accept failure often lies in unrealistic expectations or a belief that you could have done more, which is a form of self-blame.
• 🧘‍♂️ Understanding what you are truly owed in life, versus what you desire, is crucial in managing expectations and accepting failure.
• 💔 The inability to accept failure often stems from a deep-seated belief that you could have done more, leading to self-blame and a lack of self-compassion.
• 🌱 Self-compassion is essential in dealing with failure. Forgiving yourself for not doing everything you could is a critical step in moving forward.
• 🤷‍♂️ People often fail to show themselves the same compassion they would extend to others, which can exacerbate feelings of failure and self-doubt.
• 🔍 Reflecting on why you aren't compassionate towards yourself can reveal underlying beliefs about your self-worth and whether you feel deserving of compassion.
• 🌟 Learning to view yourself as deserving of compassion and understanding that failure is a part of the journey, not a reflection of your worth, can help in accepting setbacks.

Q & A

What is the primary difficulty people face when trying to accept failure?

The primary difficulty is the belief that they haven't done everything they could to succeed, which makes it hard to accept the outcome when they fail.

Why does the speaker suggest that people might feel at peace after giving their all and still failing?

The speaker suggests that when people give their all, they can take pride in their effort, which can bring peace, even if the outcome isn't what they hoped for.

How does the speaker relate the concept of karma to accepting failure?

The speaker explains that karma means action, and one is only entitled to their actions, not the outcomes. This perspective can help people accept failure as they understand they are not in control of the results.

What is the Bhagavad-Gita, and how does it relate to the discussion on failure?

The Bhagavad-Gita is a conversation between Krishna and Arjuna, where Krishna explains that humans are not entitled to the fruits of their actions, only to the actions themselves, which can help in accepting failure.

Why might people have trouble accepting failure according to the script?

People might have trouble accepting failure because they have unrealistic expectations about themselves or believe deep down that they could have done more.

What is the role of self-compassion in accepting failure?

Self-compassion is crucial in accepting failure as it allows individuals to forgive themselves for not being perfect and to understand that they deserve slack for not always performing optimally.

How does the speaker suggest we should treat ourselves when we fail?

The speaker suggests that we should treat ourselves with the same compassion and understanding we would offer to others in similar situations, acknowledging our efforts and forgiving ourselves for the shortcomings.

What is the potential consequence of not being compassionate towards ourselves after failing?

The potential consequence is a cycle of negative emotions that can lead to more failure in the future, as the lack of self-compassion can hinder personal growth and resilience.

Why do people often blame themselves excessively after failing?

People blame themselves excessively because they believe they could have done more, which leads to self-criticism and a lack of self-compassion.

How does the speaker define 'entitlement' in the context of actions and outcomes?

The speaker defines 'entitlement' as the expectation of a particular outcome based on one's actions, which is not always warranted since outcomes are not always within our control.

What does the speaker imply about the relationship between self-worth and self-compassion?

The speaker implies that a lack of self-compassion may stem from low self-worth, where individuals view themselves as unworthy of compassion due to perceived failures or shortcomings.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Accepting Failure After Giving Your Best

The speaker begins by challenging the notion of failure, suggesting that when one truly believes they have done everything they could, failure becomes more acceptable. They argue that the difficulty in accepting failure often stems from not feeling like enough was done. The speaker uses the example of investment bankers who feel like failures despite their success, and professional athletes who find peace in their performance regardless of the outcome. The key takeaway is that if you've given your all, there's a sense of peace and pride in your efforts, even if the result isn't what you hoped for.

05:01

🧘‍♂️ The Root of Failure Acceptance: Entitlement and Self-Compassion

This paragraph delves into the concept of entitlement and how it affects our ability to accept failure. The speaker explains that people often struggle with failure because they believe they are owed success due to their efforts. They introduce the idea of 'karma' from the Bhagavad-Gita, emphasizing that we are only entitled to our actions, not the outcomes. The speaker encourages reflecting on what one is truly owed in life and suggests that self-compassion is crucial in accepting failure. They point out the irony of being compassionate towards others but not ourselves, highlighting the importance of self-forgiveness and understanding our limitations.

10:01

🔄 Overcoming Self-Blame and Learning Self-Compassion

The speaker addresses the issue of self-blame and the lack of self-compassion when we fail to meet our own expectations. They suggest that acknowledging the possibility of having done more is the first step, but it should be followed by forgiveness and cutting oneself some slack. The speaker emphasizes the importance of changing our internal dialogue to be more supportive and less critical. They also explore why some people are not compassionate towards themselves, suggesting it may be due to a deep-seated belief that they do not deserve better. The paragraph concludes with the idea that self-compassion is a learned behavior and that changing our self-perception is key to overcoming this issue.

Keywords

💡Acceptance

Acceptance in the context of this video refers to the ability to come to terms with failure, especially when one has done their best. It is a central theme as the speaker discusses how individuals often struggle with accepting failure due to a perceived lack of effort or an unrealistic expectation of success. The speaker uses the example of professional athletes and the Bhagavad-Gita to illustrate that acceptance comes from understanding what one is truly entitled to in terms of outcomes.

💡Failure

Failure is a key concept in the video, explored through the lens of personal and professional experiences. It is defined as not achieving a desired outcome despite one's efforts. The video discusses the difficulty of accepting failure and suggests that it becomes easier when one believes they have done everything they could. The script provides examples of high-earning investment bankers feeling like failures despite their success.

💡Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is the act of being kind to oneself in instances of pain or failure. The video emphasizes the importance of self-compassion in accepting failure, noting that people are often their own harshest critics. The lack of self-compassion is tied to a belief that one does not deserve better, which the speaker suggests is a learned behavior.

💡Unrealistic Expectations

Unrealistic expectations are hopes or predictions that are not grounded in reality. In the video, the speaker argues that the inability to accept failure often stems from having such expectations. The concept is used to explain why people might feel entitled to success and struggle when they do not achieve it, as in the case of the person who applied to 13 PA schools and was rejected from all.

💡Control

Control, in this video, refers to the degree to which individuals believe they can influence outcomes through their actions. The speaker challenges the notion that actions always control outcomes, using the Bhagavad-Gita to illustrate the idea that one is entitled to their actions, not necessarily the fruits of those actions, such as success or failure.

💡Entitlement

Entitlement is the belief that one deserves certain outcomes or rewards. The video discusses how people develop a sense of entitlement to success based on their efforts, which can make failure difficult to accept. The speaker uses the metaphor of studying hard for a test and expecting an 'A' to explain this concept.

💡Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the process of letting go of resentment or negative feelings towards oneself. In the context of the video, forgiveness is presented as a means to reconcile with failure when one feels they could have done more. The speaker suggests that self-forgiveness is crucial for overcoming the self-blame associated with perceived failure.

💡Self-Blame

Self-blame is the act of attributing negative outcomes to one's own actions or inactions. The video script mentions self-blame in the context of failure, where individuals beat themselves up for not doing enough. The speaker argues that self-compassion is a healthier response to such situations.

💡Karma and Dharma

Karma and Dharma are concepts from Hindu philosophy. Karma refers to the actions one takes, while Dharma refers to one's duty or moral responsibility. The speaker uses these concepts to explain that individuals are only entitled to their actions, not the outcomes, which is a key message in the Bhagavad-Gita and relevant to the video's theme of accepting failure.

💡Self-Worth

Self-worth is the value or esteem that one places on oneself. The video suggests that a lack of self-worth can lead to a lack of self-compassion and an inability to accept failure. The speaker implies that individuals who view themselves as failures or 'degenerates' may not feel they deserve compassion, which is a barrier to self-acceptance.

💡Learned Behavior

Learned behavior refers to actions or responses that are acquired through experience or education. In the video, the speaker suggests that negative self-perceptions, such as viewing oneself as a failure, are learned behaviors. The example of Helen, who applied to multiple PA schools and was rejected, illustrates how such behaviors can become ingrained.

Highlights

The importance of accepting failure and how it becomes easier when you believe you've done everything you can.

The peace that can come with failure when you've given your all, using the example of buying lottery tickets.

The concept of karma and dharma from the Bhagavad-Gita, explaining that we are only entitled to our actions, not the outcomes.

The difficulty in accepting failure often stems from an unrealistic expectation of controlling outcomes.

The idea that failure can be accepted when you understand what you are truly owed in life.

The role of self-compassion in reconciling with failure and forgiving oneself for not doing everything possible.

The tendency to be harder on ourselves than we are on others when it comes to failure.

The need to practice self-compassion and cut ourselves some slack, just as we would with a friend.

Exploring the reasons behind the lack of self-compassion and how it relates to self-worth.

The realization that not being compassionate towards oneself may indicate a belief that one does not deserve compassion.

The importance of understanding where negative self-perceptions come from and that they are often learned behaviors.

The story of Helen and her experience applying to PA schools, illustrating how failures can shape one's self-view.

The idea that our self-worth and self-compassion are influenced by past experiences and the need to challenge these beliefs.

The psychological impact of failure and how it can lead to a negative self-branding if not addressed properly.

The need to reframe our understanding of failure and success, focusing on the effort rather than the outcome.

The role of mindset and perspective in accepting failure and moving forward without being held back by past experiences.

Transcripts

I see like invent investment bankers in

my office that make you know over a

million dollars a year and they still

feel like failures like it's bizarre

so let's start with with this question

how do you accept failure so SAN asks

how do you accept failure when you know

you've done all that you can I feel that

I have a really hard time accepting

failure when I tried my hardest and

still fail sometimes that seems to be

happening more and more as I get older I

can't help but think of my consequences

as failures so oddly enough I'm gonna

read the the question kind of a second

time so how do I oh [ __ ] where'd I just

do um how do I accept failure when I've

done everything that I can so I'm gonna

start by actually disputing the premise

of the question so I believe that

generally speaking when you truly

believe that you've done everything that

you can it becomes easier and easier to

accept failure failure becomes hard to

accept when you don't believe that

you've done everything that you can so I

wonder whether you truly believe that

you've done everything that you can

because at that point it sort of becomes

like it becomes common sense right like

if I you know if I if I like buy a

lottery lottery tickets I'm just trying

to think of a good example so if I like

if I if I really dig down and I give it

my all my experience of that and people

that I've worked with is that generally

speaking when you give it your all and

you fail there's actually a bizarre

amount of peace with that right you kind

of like the way that you feel is like

okay I gave it my best shot and I can

actually be proud of what I did like I

could be proud of the way that I showed

up that day and I gave it my best and it

wasn't good enough I work with some

professional athletes and like one of

them is a golfer and he was kind of

telling me that like you know so golf is

kind of a weird competitive sport

because you're not really like competing

against other people like nothing anyone

else does on the golf course can impact

the game that you play it's not like you

know a competitive eSports or donor

overwatch where you get outplayed like

you can't outplay anyone in golf because

you're just competing against yourself

really

and so when it comes to success or

failure in golf it's just about the game

that you played when you showed up and

even when we think about eSports like

when I work with eSports athletes like

people talk about you know how good of a

job they did and there's a lot of peace

with doing the best job that you can and

not getting something in my experience

if you feel like you're it's difficult

to accept failure chances are you

actually need to dig deeper and really

think about did you do everything that

you could do because then it's like if

you really did everything that you could

do like you know it's out of your

control like sometimes you're just when

you try you're just gonna fail like

that's just a given so why is it that

you can't accept that failure as an

option is that because you have an

unrealistic expectation about yourself

is it because you actually think you you

know deep down and this is what I'd put

my money on you know deep down that you

could have done more

but you did it and there's something

that's holding you back and I think

that's what you really need to explore

even when things are out of your control

it can be hard to accept failure yeah

that's true I mean I think sometimes it

can be hard to accept failure and I

think that how can I say this

so it's there's a difference between

let me just think

so we talked about this a little bit I

think on our last stream so I introduced

this concept of gamma Faridah so karma

means action and Faridah means root and

so a couple thousand years ago there's

this there was this conversation between

a guy named krishna and a guy named

arjun christian is sort of viewed as

like a hindu god in Arjun was a prince

and what Krishna explains to Arjuna in

this conversation called the

bhagavad-gita is that as a human being

you're not actually entitled to the

fruits of your actions all you're

entitled to is your actions

and that's kind of a bizarre way of

thinking about life like let me put it

this way like I'm not entitled to an A

in a class like I'm not actually

entitled to an a the only thing I'm

entitled to is like study I can study as

hard as I want to for a test and there's

still a chance that I'm gonna fail

there's nothing I can do to guarantee

getting an A but that's not the way that

we think right we think that our actions

actually control outcomes but it but in

the purest sense of the word like they

do not like that's just not absolutely

true so I can work really hard to become

a doctor and I can on the day of my

graduation I can be walking down the

street and I can get hit by a meteor

it's possible I can work really hard to

become a doctor but I can't actually

control whether I become a doctor or not

right like maybe there are all kinds of

bizarre things that can get in the way

of like me controlling my future and so

I think a lot of people have trouble

accepting failure because the route of

accepting failure is in understanding

what you are entitled to and what you

are not entitled to so like people get

hung up like so if I let's say that

there's there's someone that I'm

attracted to and I get so caught up in

them and I like really really want them

to like I you know I want them to I want

to ask them out and I want them to say

yes and I do everything that I can to

control them saying yes I start being

really nice to them I start working out

I demonstrate myself as caring I pick

them up from the airport I you know like

when they break up with their current

boyfriend I'm the shoulder to cry on I

do everything right in somewhere along

the way I start to become entitled just

to having a relationship with them the

more that I invest in that relationship

I become entitled to a particular

outcome the more that I study for a test

I become entitled tip to the a

and then when I don't get the a it

becomes really hard to accept that

that the origin of being unable to

accept failure comes from a

miscalculation to what you are truly

owed in life

and so the big thing that you need to do

if you're having trouble accepting

failure is really stop and think about

like what was I owed in this situation

did I do the best that I can and like is

it really mine to control whether I

succeed or fail because most of people

like go through life expecting a

particular success and so you really

need to stop and think about like I

failed and did I really deserve to

succeed was I entitled to success

and the more you step away from that the

easier the easier it is to actually like

start to accept failure

so

this is sort of a slightly related

question do you feel like you can hide

behind self-improvement in regards to

your calling ie same 'less

self-improvement without concrete

meaningful goal in mind so I want to

talk a little bit about

so I'm gonna just talk actually let me

just jump into this question so how do

you reconcile with failure when you know

you could have done more but you didn't

that's the problem right so a lot of

what's difficult to accept about failure

is you feel like you could have done

more and that in a sense is a true

failure because it's sort of like you

know you could have acted more but you

didn't and I think the biggest way to

overcome let's just like understand what

that means right so when you how do you

reconcile with failure when you know you

could have done more but you couldn't

you didn't so let's just think a little

bit about Amina 320 97 s question so

what are you doing to yourself when you

acknowledge that you could have done

more but you didn't you're blaming

yourself right so let's understand first

of all that you're beating yourself up

and you're blaming yourself so now the

question becomes how do you help someone

who's getting beaten up how do you help

someone who's getting blamed right so

like the answer there is compassion so

if someone is like having like a rough

time and they're getting like beat up

and this is the confusing thing because

we offer compassion to other people when

they when they're the one they're the

ones getting beat up we don't offer

compassion to ourselves we're so good at

beating the [ __ ] out of ourselves we're

so good at putting ourselves down

because we don't practice self

compassion

so how do you reconcile failure when you

know you could have done mourn you

didn't

the answer is forgiveness forgiveness

you need to accept that you're not

perfect and that you deserve some slack

because you can't be perfect all the

time but that's not how our mind thinks

right we think like oh I could have done

it therefore I'm gonna beat myself up

for not doing it but if you think about

like let's say you've got a body who

says oh man like you know I'm trying to

diet and I I like didn't I like you know

for a week I like ate pizza and like all

this other stuff that I'm not supposed

to like how do you respond to that

person you're like hey man that's okay

like cut yourself a break you've done

such a good job here and here just like

cut yourself some slack man but you

don't say that to yourself and so I

think if you're having trouble

reconciling with your failure because

you felt like you could have done more

first of all it's it's good to

acknowledge that and the second thing

that you need to do to prevent that

because those negative emotions are

gonna actually lead to more failure in

the future so what you really need to do

is learn how to forgive yourself and cut

yourself a break right say like hey I'm

not perfect like I'm not perfect so

sometimes I'm not going to be able to

achieve I'm not going to be able to

function like optimally and that'll help

you get you overcome the failure

yeah and so now I'm getting

all this stuff about how compassion

doesn't naturally

um exist so I'm a little bit torn

because I have other questions but this

feels like it's resonating with people

so I'm gonna stick with this thread for

a little bit

so now I'm going to ask you guys like

why aren't we compassionate towards

ourselves right like let's just think

about this for a second

so like where do I like so let's think

about Helens interview like so Helen is

not really compassionate with herself

right she blames herself for all kinds

of stuff under the Sun so how do we

learn why is it that we aren't

compassionate towards ourselves and this

is kind of a really dangerous idea but

like I want people to really understand

this like what kind of person doesn't

deserve so what kind of person are you

not compassionate towards like think

about that for a second

who would you so generally speaking

we're compassionate towards most people

but we're not compassionate towards some

people right

absolutely right so people are saying

DeGeneres like there's some people out

there who we don't feel deserve

compassion so [ __ ] people with low

self-worth a defiles degenerates and so

if you're not compassionate towards

yourself what can we logically conclude

about how you view yourself

what we can conclude is that they don't

deserve compassion

so just think about that for a second so

why aren't you compassionate towards

yourself it's because you don't feel

like you deserve better when we look at

Helen we see that right she feels like

she's a failure

because she doesn't and she's not

compassionate towards herself because

she doesn't deserve it

having trouble being compassionate

towards yourself you need to really

think about how you view yourself you

probably view yourself as a piece of

[ __ ] there's a part of you that isn't

worthy of compassion there's a part of

you that's degenerate

and like that's that's scary it's true

but it's scary because now the question

becomes

how did you learn like where did you get

that opinion of yourself like this is

really important to understand that a

lot of people like like this is a

learned behavior right like we learned

that we're failures it's not it's not

like we just wake up and like the

default position is for human beings to

believe they're failures like with hell

and we saw it

it was like she applied to 13 PA schools

she didn't say a bunch she didn't say a

few she said she applied to 13 like that

number is seared in her mind and she

didn't even get into a single one

so that's when she gets the idea like oh

man I'm a piece of [ __ ]

that's when that gets seared into a

brain it's it's like a brand that gets

branded into your psychology and for

everyone out there who feels like

they're a degenerate and who feels like

they're a failure like the first place

you got to start is where did you learn

that because that's something you

learned it's not the default State