Why It's Your Fault You Got Ghosted

Summary

The video script explores the challenges of forming healthy relationships, particularly for someone with a history of emotional trauma. The individual struggles with clinginess and self-blame when relationships falter, leading to self-imposed isolation. The speaker advises recognizing and addressing emotional needs and anxieties to prevent driving others away. They suggest introspection, understanding one's own emotions, and seeking professional help or group coaching to learn effective communication and build secure relationships.

Takeaways

• 😔 The individual has a history of childhood trauma and bullying, which has led to feelings of unworthiness and fear of rejection in relationships.
• 🔐 The person struggles with being overly clingy and anxious in relationships due to past experiences, which can drive others away.
• 🤔 There is a tendency to blame oneself when relationships fail, stemming from a pattern of self-blame and low self-esteem.
• 📲 The individual's behavior of sending frequent and lengthy texts when feeling anxious can be counterproductive and push others away.
• 💭 The person is encouraged to understand and take responsibility for their emotional needs and how these affect their behavior in relationships.
• 🧐 It's important to recognize when personal emotions and anxieties start to drive behavior, potentially leading to misunderstandings with others.
• 🗣️ Communication is key; the person should express their feelings and needs to the other party to avoid one-sided emotional investment.
• 🤝 Relationships require mutual understanding and effort; it's not healthy to carry the entire emotional burden alone.
• 🚶‍♀️ Learning to let go when a relationship ends is crucial, understanding that not all separations are a reflection of one's self-worth.
• 🛍️ The metaphor of 'luggage' is used to describe the emotional baggage from past experiences that can weigh down new relationships if not addressed.
• 🌟 Seeking professional help, such as therapy or group coaching, can provide tools to manage emotional baggage and foster healthier relationships.

Q & A

What is the main issue the original poster is facing in their relationships?

The original poster is facing the issue of becoming overly clingy and invested in relationships, which eventually leads to driving the other person away.

What childhood experiences does the poster believe may be contributing to their current relationship issues?

The poster believes that being bullied by their family and constantly being told they were an embarrassment and had the wrong personality has contributed to their current issues in forming healthy relationships.

How does the poster describe their experience of being ghosted?

The poster describes feeling nervous and suspecting the other person is trying to break contact when they start to get busy and less responsive, leading to the poster texting more frequently out of fear, which ultimately results in being ghosted.

What is the poster's reaction when their friends reassure them that they are not at fault for being ghosted?

The poster still feels like they drove the other person away and struggles with the idea of not blaming themselves, despite reassurances from friends.

What does the script suggest as the first step to understanding the poster's behavior in relationships?

The first step suggested is to understand the evolution of the poster's needs throughout a relationship and how their past experiences influence their current behavior.

What role does the poster's anxiety play in their relationships according to the script?

The poster's anxiety causes them to become clingy and send frequent, long texts, which adds an emotional need for reassurance that the other person may not be aware of or able to meet, leading to confusion and withdrawal from the relationship.

How does the script explain the connection between the poster's past and their current reaction to someone becoming less available in a relationship?

The script explains that the poster's past experiences of being told they were unlovable and unwanted have created a deep-seated fear of abandonment, which triggers anxiety when someone becomes less available, causing them to act in ways that may push the other person away.

What advice does the script offer for dealing with the fear and anxiety that arise when a relationship changes?

The script advises recognizing and understanding the emotions that arise, such as fear and anxiety, and how they influence behavior, suggesting that processing these feelings can help reduce the clingy behaviors that may be driving others away.

What does the script suggest is a potential solution for the poster's pattern of being ghosted?

The script suggests that the poster take responsibility for their part in the relationship dynamics, understand their emotional needs, and work on communicating these needs effectively to avoid misunderstandings and ghosting.

How does the script address the poster's concern about being unable to make friends and the impact on their relationships?

The script acknowledges the difficulty of the poster's situation and suggests that group coaching or therapy could be beneficial in learning how to interact with others, communicate feelings, and understand oneself and others in a structured and supportive environment.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Struggling with Clinginess in Relationships

The paragraph discusses a man's reflection on his inability to maintain healthy relationships due to a history of childhood bullying and emotional trauma. He describes how quickly forming connections leads to clinginess and eventual isolation when the other person pulls away. The man's self-blame and anxiety are highlighted, as well as his pattern of excessive texting when he feels neglected, which he believes led to a recent 'ghosting' incident. He seeks advice on how to have healthy relationships and overcome his guarded, obsessive behavior.

05:00

🤔 Understanding the Evolution of Emotional Needs

This section delves into the concept of evolving emotional needs within relationships. It examines the initial stage of connection and the subsequent anxiety that arises when the other person becomes less available. The paragraph explores how the individual's past trauma influences their current reactions, leading to clingy behavior as a means to seek reassurance and validation. The discussion emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing these emotional needs to prevent driving others away.

10:02

😣 The Impact of Unmet Emotional Needs on Relationships

The paragraph explores the internal struggle of feeling unimportant in a relationship and the desperate attempts to seek acknowledgment from the other person. It discusses how unmet emotional needs can manifest in anxious and clingy behaviors, leading to confusion and withdrawal from the other party. The text highlights the importance of communication and self-awareness in managing these emotions and preventing the deterioration of relationships.

15:02

🧐 Recognizing and Addressing Emotional Responses

This paragraph focuses on the importance of recognizing and understanding the emotions that arise when a relationship dynamic changes. It emphasizes the need to identify the root of these emotions and how they influence one's behavior. The discussion suggests that by processing these emotions and reducing their intensity, the resulting behaviors that may be off-putting to others can be naturally diminished.

20:03

😌 Accepting Change and Letting Go in Relationships

The final paragraph discusses the difficulty of accepting when a relationship is ending and the importance of letting go. It touches on the misconception that others' decisions to leave are always about us, when in reality, they may be due to various unrelated reasons. The text encourages self-compassion and understanding that it's okay to be incompatible with someone and that we deserve a relationship where both parties want to be there.

Keywords

💡Healthy Relationship

A 'Healthy Relationship' refers to a connection between individuals that is characterized by mutual respect, trust, and open communication. In the video's theme, the concept is central as the narrator discusses the challenges of forming and maintaining such relationships, particularly when one's past experiences have led to clingy behavior and self-blame, as seen in the script's recount of the narrator's experience with a girl they were talking to.

💡Ghosting

To 'Ghost' someone is to abruptly cut off all communication without explanation, typically in the context of dating or friendship. The script mentions the narrator being ghosted multiple times, which has contributed to their fear and anxiety in relationships, leading to clingy behavior as a coping mechanism.

💡Clingy

'Clingy' describes a behavior where one person in a relationship is overly dependent on the other for emotional support and validation. In the video, the narrator's clinginess is a result of their fear of abandonment stemming from past experiences, which ultimately leads to pushing people away.

💡Self-Blame

Self-blame is the act of attributing negative outcomes to one's own actions or character. The script illustrates this concept through the narrator's tendency to blame themselves when relationships fail, reflecting a deep-seated belief that they are the cause of their own problems, as seen in their reaction to being ghosted.

💡Emotional Needs

Emotional needs refer to the psychological requirements for feelings of security, love, and belonging. The video discusses how unmet emotional needs from childhood can lead to clingy behavior in adult relationships, as the narrator seeks reassurance and validation from others to fill that void.

💡Traumatic Upbringing

A 'Traumatic Upbringing' involves experiencing significant emotional or physical distress during childhood, often leading to long-term psychological effects. The script describes the narrator's childhood as one filled with bullying and emotional abuse, which has shaped their approach to relationships and their perception of self-worth.

💡Anxiety

Anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or without a clear cause. In the context of the video, the narrator's anxiety is triggered by the fear of being abandoned or rejected, manifesting in behaviors such as excessive texting.

💡Introspection

Introspection is the process of self-examination, where one looks inward to understand one's own thoughts and feelings. The narrator demonstrates introspection by analyzing their behavior in relationships and recognizing patterns that contribute to their issues, as they seek to understand why they become clingy and how to change.

💡Existential Anxiety

Existential Anxiety refers to the unease or dread related to the meaning and purpose of one's life, often stemming from the fear of insignificance or non-existence. The script describes the narrator's fear of not existing in the other person's life, which is a form of existential anxiety that drives their desperate attempts to seek reassurance.

💡Letting Go

Letting go is the act of releasing or relinquishing control over something, often used in the context of moving on from a person or situation. The video suggests that learning to let go is a crucial step in overcoming clingy behavior and accepting the natural ebb and flow of relationships, as exemplified by the narrator's struggle to accept when a relationship ends.

💡Group Coaching

Group Coaching is a form of collaborative instruction where a coach works with multiple individuals simultaneously, often used for skill development or personal growth. The script mentions group coaching as a potential solution for those struggling with relationship issues, as it provides a structured environment to practice communication and emotional expression within set boundaries.

Highlights

The post discusses the issue of forming a healthy relationship and becoming overly clingy, which leads to driving the other person away.

The author is a 30-year-old man who feels like he drives people away, stemming from childhood bullying and emotional trauma.

The author describes a pattern of self-blame when relationships don't go well, which may be a result of past experiences.

A detailed account of a relationship with a girl where the author's anxiety and clinginess led to being ghosted.

The author's realization of a pattern in his relationships where he becomes overly invested and anxious when the other person gets busy.

Friends reassure the author that he is not at fault, but he still questions his role in the relationship's failure.

The concept of taking responsibility for one's actions in a relationship while also recognizing the power to change.

Understanding the evolution of needs in a relationship and how anxiety can create clingy behavior.

The author's introspection about his role in the relationship and the impact of his childhood on his current behavior.

The importance of recognizing and addressing the emotional needs that arise in a relationship to prevent unhealthy behaviors.

The role of past trauma in shaping current relationship behaviors and the need for self-awareness.

The idea that relationships require communication and understanding from both parties to be successful.

The author's struggle with letting go and the difficulty of accepting when a relationship ends.

The suggestion that the author's clingy behavior may be a result of a deep-seated fear of abandonment.

The advice to let go of past emotional 'luggage' and work on personal growth to improve future relationships.

The recommendation of group coaching as a method to practice and improve interpersonal communication and relationship skills.

The emphasis on the importance of self-reflection and emotional processing to break the cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns.

Transcripts

this is a post essentially about someone

who like starts to form a healthy

relationship gets overly clingy overly

invested and then ends up driving the

other person away

so why does this happen and how do we

get out of this right so

i got ghosted now i'm wondering if i

know how to be in a healthy relationship

so i'm a 30 year old guy who feels like

he drives people away

i can be while not wanting to be very

guarded and secretive i think this stems

from a childhood of being bullied by my

family for no apparent reason it was a

common occurrence to be told by family

member by family that i was an

embarrassment had the wrong personality

was an or a piece of

i remember things like being told as a

kid to list out loud the people that

would come to my hypothetical funeral is

a way of proving to me that no one will

mourn my death and be accused of

lying when i go to spend time with my

friends because it was unbelievable that

anyone would like me

it was hurtful and confusing it felt

like relationships were guessing games

where i was always the loser i became a

loner

now i work hard to connect with new

people i've noticed that when new

relationships don't go well or the way i

would like them to i blame myself

i think a good example of this is a girl

i like that i've been talking to since

march when we first started talking it

was amazing how quickly we clicked it

surprised me we eventually had less time

for me as she got busier in her personal

life

when she started to get busy i got

nervous a lot of people have ghosted me

so i fearfully and baselessly suspected

she was trying to break contact i never

addressed these feelings with her though

my response was to text her a lot almost

as if to remind her i still existed i

was stuck in a pattern of wanting to

talk to her but then worrying about

giving her space or doing something

wrong until i would convince myself to

text anyway

soon my texts grew longer hers shorter

this would continue until she suddenly

blocked me a couple of days ago

friends have been telling me not to

blame myself and that i did nothing

wrong but shouldn't i blame myself i

feel like i drove her away i genuinely

really liked her even loved her but i

feel like i was stuck in my head never

including her i also feel like this

relationship was burdened by my slowly

obsessing over her without paying enough

attention to her as an actual person i

feel like i ruined things

dr k how can i have healthy

relationships with myself and others

going forward why do i become guarded

and respond obsessive in relationships

how do i deal with my surprise when

women like me back let's upload this all

right so this is a great post

so i like this post for a number of

reasons

the first reason i like this post is

because the person who posted is an

absolute boss

okay

so

let me compose my thoughts

so this is a post about someone who

enters into relationships with people

is guarded generally speaking had a very

traumatic upbringing

and then something happens in the

relationship where they click right away

they get along really well

and then as circumstances in life cause

the person that they're talking to to

kind of pull back

they become very very clingy and then

like end up driving the other person to

block them okay

so like if you're if this is a post

essentially about someone who like

starts to form a healthy relationship

gets overly clingy overly invested and

then ends up driving the other person

away

so why does this happen and how do we

get out of this right so how do we stop

being creepy people that women have to

block

so the first thing to understand

is that this is all about understanding

the evolution of your needs throughout a

relationship

okay

so to begin with we have a history of a

traumatic upbringing and so like this is

one thing one question i would ask for

this person is when this person

was treated traumatically or abusively

what did you how did it make you feel

and what did you do

okay so this is really important because

sometimes when we're treated like

abusively like emotionally abusively

like my parents and other people

we feel responsible for making them feel

better and liking us

right so like if this person is being

mean to me that's not on them that's on

me and we see the current of self-blame

throughout this kind of thing

then something else is interesting is

happening is that this person's when

they go to their friends right they're

saying like hey this situation happened

i started texting this person more and

more stuff and they weren't responding

to me and they blocked me

is it my fault and then your friends do

what they reassure you and they say no

man of course it's not your fault she's

a total b word like it's totally like i

can't believe she was so cruel to you

like you're not doing anything wrong

you're doing everything great

and this is where i gotta say if people

if you find yourself in a in a pattern

of like people blocking you

maybe you need to take some

responsibility and this is why i think

this person is an absolute boss because

like they're asking this question in a

very authentic way right they don't want

to continue doing this they're

recognizing that there are things going

on and that maybe they need to change

them

so i would actually say that does this

blame lie with you at least 50

is what i would say because remember

that in any relationship you have a

contribution the good news is that the

blame does lie with you you also have

the power to change things right so you

can't have agency without responsibility

responsibility doesn't come without

agency if it's my respect if i have the

power to

win then i also have the power to lose

and so if i get credit for the win i

also have to take credit for the loss

so now let's try to understand what's

going on here

and i think the key thing to understand

here is the evolution of internal needs

as you get clean gear and cling gear

so in the first phase of the

relationship you meet someone you all

click right away so like you have some

emotional needs they're not very

powerful at that point because it's

early stage in the relationship and on

the other end of the relationship

they're not really powerful as well like

you know you guys are kind of like

you're kind of chilling you guys like

each other you hang out a little bit

it's a low investment relationship that

feels really natural

and then what starts to happen so like

things were fine until this person got

busy in their personal life right so the

girl that this person is talking to

starts to get busy so due to a

circumstance in this person's life they

start becoming less available now how

does the poster respond to this

this is where things get really

interesting because they start to get

anxious and they start to get clingy

right they start to like even though in

their head

they understand that like this person is

busier now so they can't text as much as

they used to that's not the way that you

respond emotionally right you start to

get really really anxious you start

texting more

okay so now you are adding another need

into this relationship and i don't know

if this is going to make sense but now

your anxiety you are actually looking to

the other person to fix

so when you send a text like a long text

what you're looking for is for them to

send an equally long text because now

you're worried you're like oh what if

this person doesn't like me what if

they're drifting away let me like do

something big in the relationship let me

send a big text and if they send a big

text back then i will be sued i'll be

like oh thank god

they really do care about me or if they

apologize or they say oh like i've been

really busy lately i'm sorry i haven't

had time for you like that's going to

make you feel good so now you're adding

a new

need an emotional need into the

relationship where you need this person

to tell you hey i still want to be your

friend hey don't worry about it you're

looking for reassurance from that

anxiety as this person is starting to

pull away and where does that anxiety

come from it comes from the fact that

people pulled away from you in the past

right it comes from the idea that like

you haven't you've been taught that

you're like not a worthy person that you

people don't want to be your friend and

so now what happens is when you like

grow up in a situation where like

literally your parents traumatize you by

saying who's going to be at your funeral

ain't no one going to be at your funeral

because no one wants to be your friend

so that some scar that psychological

trauma is is carried in your mind so

then when this person starts to pull

away because of like work-related stuff

or other things going on in her life

that fear in your mind activates and

it's like oh my god

i know in my head logically that this

person is just busier but what if what

my parents told me all along is true

that this person that they're i'm not

they really don't want to be my friend

so to alleviate that anxiety you send a

big text right you send a frequent text

and and this person i mean this is why i

think this person's done a lot of

introspection so i want you to look at

this

when she started to get busy i got

nervous so what is the nature of that

nervousness

a lot of people have ghosted me

so i fearfully and baselessly suspected

she was trying to break contact this is

important it wasn't baseless

this isn't baseless right because it's

happened to you before you need to often

like you need to validate that feeling

um and so here's the thing

uh

so

yeah so my response was to text her a

lot almost as if to remind her i still

existed and this is the key thing that

you need to work on

because at this point you feel

internally

that

you don't exist in the relationship so

you were trying to get her to tell you

like hey you exist in this relationship

you exist in this relationship right so

now your emotional needs are creating a

situation where you are asking something

of her without her realizing what you're

asking because you've never told her

so you're looking for a sign from her

that you still exist in the relationship

but she doesn't know that right so like

she now what's happening is you're

feeling all these emotional needs like

you're feeling like clingy and you're

feeling like don't pull away like hey

please remember i exist please remember

i'm your friend like say something to me

and as you put all of those needs into

your text messages

like empathically between the lines like

reading between the lines like there's

something like desperate in those text

messages she gets confused because she's

like what is going on here right and it

makes sense because you haven't actually

explained to her how you feel you're

just like sending these really long text

messages that she's not reciprocating

and so like then she starts to pull away

because she doesn't understand what's

going on here because now you've added a

layer of needs into the relationship

that she's unaware of

as she starts to pull away

it reinforces everything right so as she

pulls away more the anxiety increases

you need to remind her even more that

you exist because as her responses get

shorter you start to disappear in her

mind

and as you disappear in her mind the

anxiety gets worse

the need for some kind of response gets

worse the reassurance gets worse so then

you send even longer text messages and

you inject a even more powerful need

into the relationship

and she gets even more confused because

she's like what's going on here like

these guys sending me like 14 texts and

like

what's up with this

and so then what she does is send a

shorter response and as she sends a

shorter response you shrink

right

you become i you stop to start to fade

away out of existence even more

and as you feel that fading away the

desperation increases hey remember i'm

here remember i'm here i'm a person i'm

a person i have feelings don't forget

about me please please please don't

forget about me that's what your texts

start to say

don't forget about me i exist and she

doesn't know what to do with that

because that's not actually what you're

saying right she's just getting these

really long text messages and then she

has no choice but to block you

so then what happens when she blocks you

you get reinforced right oh what my

parents said all along is true

is that people don't want to be my

friend

that it's like it's not

that i don't deserve friends

now another person

i've ceased to exist in another person's

mind and then your mind will say this is

how it's been all along this is the

truth of the world you will never exist

in anyone's mind right that's what it

tells you in those dark moments it's

something it's the the voice in your

head that you carry with you

that now has been reinforced and then

you go to your friends and you say hey

what's going on here and your friends

say oh don't worry about it it's no big

deal it's on her it has nothing to do

with you you're great

you're an awesome person we like you

and so that can be very reassuring in

some way but you have to remember that

if this pattern is repeating in your

life there's a reason it's repeating

right like there's a reason there's

something going on that you're injecting

into these relationships where people

are ghosting you

and i suspect the main thing that you're

injecting is this

anxiety this fear that people are are

like going away and this person even

kind of says it where they kind of say

you know

um

i i get stuck in my own head and this is

where the relationship falls apart

because a relationship is between two

people

and if you get stuck in your own head

you're like playing your own tune

right it's like imagine you're like

trying to dance with someone and there's

like music playing but then you've got

headphones that's playing a different

song

and so you guys are trying to dance in

rhythm and they're playing to like the

music that's playing and like they're

listening to some waltz okay because

you're at a wedding

and then you've got like headphones on

and you're listening to tupac and like

the the kind of dancing that you're

going to be doing to the music in your

own head is something that they can't

dance to because they don't hear it so

the more you get stuck in your own head

like you're no longer in a relationship

right because you're you're engaging in

this relationship

with like

operating from your own thinking

and if you don't communicate with her

then the other person doesn't understand

what you're listening to they just see

you like convulsing on the dance floor

and they're like i don't know how to

dance with this person and so then they

step off the dance floor

so are there things that you can do

about it absolutely

the first thing is like understand when

the music starts playing in your head

because if you look at this relationship

they're saying at the beginning

everything's fine right so at the

beginning we're both dancing the same

music and then she starts to get busy at

work and then you're like ah your brain

is like i remember this she's busy at

work let me put the headphones on and

let me start listening to something else

okay

and then you get stuck in your own head

and then you're operating from that

space you're doing all this work and

then you separate from her right so

she's over here you guys are together

and then you start getting in your own

head but like she doesn't understand

what's going on here so like you start

to deviate off this way and then she's

kind of going this way and then it's

like then the relationship falls apart

so if you want to be successful in a

situation like this the first thing to

understand is what are the emotions that

arise

as this stuff happens and more

importantly as these emotions arise how

do they influence your behavior

because if you're being driven

by emotions to do particular things and

they are not on the same wavelength

they're going to be taken aback by what

you're doing and they're not going to

know how to interact with you because

now you're dancing to your own tune and

they're like trying to dance with you

and it's like hey we used to be dancing

and now you're kind of like dancing on

your own i'm confused how do i

participate in this relationship

and then since people don't know how to

have healthy conversations right so like

you know the right thing for her to do

in that situation is hey like

you're sending me all these text

messages like what's going on

like help me understand what's going on

like

you know like what like you seem

anxious to me

so ideally she would be able to prompt

the conversation

but instead what we do is we just ghost

people because that's like what happens

nowadays right

so are you somewhat responsible if

you're in this situation i'd say yes i

think it's time to take responsibility

are you to blame no so i don't blame you

for it i don't think you're a bad person

i don't think it's like in a sense or

i'd say it's is it your fault sort of

but i think it's absolutely excusable

because your brain has been programmed

in a particular way you have these

fundamental needs that have never been

met that allows you to be secure in a

relationship because this person can't

tolerate someone else pulling away from

the relationship even for things that

have nothing to do with the relationship

like real life getting in the way work

getting busy

so when someone else pulls away you

can't tolerate that anxiety you can't

tolerate that distance and when you

can't tolerate the anxiety it causes you

to change your behavior and when you

change your behavior now you're you're

dancing to your own tune so all the

messages are operating from like a place

inside your head which the other person

isn't aware of so they're like they get

freaked

f out and then they start to pull away

and then they end up ghosting

so i'd say first understand

as these feelings arise what are you

afraid of what's going on why do you

feel like you have to text her why do

you why does she need to know that you

exist because that's the key thing

what is it like to feel like you don't

exist anymore in this person's life and

process those feelings

because as you process those feelings

and you reduce the fuel in that fire

then the behaviors will naturally go

away

right you have to remove the emotional

energy that that leads to the clingy

behaviors

it's not sufficient to just not text

because then what'll happen is if you

force yourself to not not text you'll

force yourself to not text and then

it'll be a tension in you it'll start to

build up don't text don't text don't

text don't text don't text and then

it'll reach a cresting point and then

you won't be able to control it then

it's going to be like it's like a

release where you're like you have to

text you can't control it oh i have to

text

and then you feel like oh thank god okay

like notice me now notice me i can't

control myself notice me

and then she's like what's what's

happening here you're doing all this

you're dancing this whole opera in your

head and she doesn't know how to keep up

and so then she withdraws

so understand the emotions that arise

first and foremost and work on those

emotions

work on those needs understand what your

emotional needs are in the relationship

and how they evolve and the only way

that a successful relationship is going

to work is when

your emotional needs can be at least

understood by the other person and then

hopefully if you're lucky that person is

willing to meet you halfway and try to

do what they can for your emotional

needs

great post

so then someone else is saying how do

you handle when she is really leaving

you let her go

right

so this is hard but someone's asking how

do you handle when she's really leaving

the answer is simple you let her go

and this is the key thing

what makes it hard to let her go because

we assume that the reason she's leaving

is because of us

whereas the truth is is that most people

in life when they part ways they do so

because of a thousand reasons that have

nothing to do with you

right

if you think about like you know the

friends that i had in high school why am

i not friends with most of them anymore

it's because of circumstance

i went to high school then i went to

college in a different city and then i

went to medical school in a different

state

and then i did residency in the in the

same state but people went their

separate ways

and so i entered people's lives and then

i left people's lives and that has it

has nothing to do with them

because that's that's what life is

right life is like a meeting of like

different it's moments in time where you

connect with another human being and for

some people those moments are short and

for some people those moments are long

and you have to understand that like not

everything in the world people leaving

your life

may not have anything to do with you

and even in the sense if it does have to

something to do with you that's okay too

because even if someone says hey i don't

think we're compatible like that's okay

right you're not going to be compatible

with every person on the planet

you're not going to be compatible with

every person that you date that's the

reason that you date

and you let people go their way and you

go your way because at the end of the

day if someone wants to leave you let

them

what are you going to do like pin them

down and like force them into a

relationship with you you deserve a

better relationship with that

the relationship that you want is one

where someone wants to be with you and

feels comfortable being with you that's

what you really deserve is a real

relationship

so it's tough

yeah i like you on netflix i think it's

great i'm on season two right now

okay

so do we need shorter text messages

absolutely right so like don't i don't

know how like you can't expect someone

to keep up with all of the stuff that

you're doing in your head

no relationship is gonna work like that

right when you're like working through

bunches of anxiety there's tons of

anxieties floating out there you try to

communicate with someone over text like

they're not gonna like they're operating

with like 10 of the information where

your text is coming from so that's not

going to work

so you have to let people know like you

either have to process the crap in your

head so that you're kind of back on the

same page with them or you need to let

them know where you are so that you give

them the opportunity to like catch up to

you and the more you progress up here

like the more you build castles in the

sky or read into relationships or like

think that the relationship is more than

it is

check out only fans for example

the more blind side of the other person

is going to be

like how is someone supposed to

participate in a relationship where

you've advanced at 10 000 years in your

head

yeah so someone saying someone is saying

i can't avoid being so attached because

i can't make friends absolutely right so

that's the same as this post that's why

i shared and i thought it was a great

post because because it is the inability

to make friends that makes every

potential friend

so much more attached

you get so attached to everyone

and it's the fact that you get so

attached to them

that you kind of drive them away

and so you're kind of stuck in this loop

of like i have no friends and therefore

anytime i have the possibility of a

friend i put too much on them because

you take all that luggage from the past

and you dump it into this relationship

and when you dump it on then it's too

much for them to handle so then they

leave and then they when they leave they

leave you a piece of luggage too so now

you've got one more piece of luggage and

then the next person comes along and you

dump 10 pieces of luggage on them and

it's like too much for them to handle

they're like i can't carry all this

stuff and then they leave and then you

have 11 pieces of luggage

so it's really hard don't get me wrong

it's very hard

and so that's where i think the solution

is to like on like let go of the luggage

right like you have to work through that

stuff you have to work through what's it

like being alone

year after year after year what's it

like engaging in relationship after

relationship after a relationship

so it's an infinite loop only if that's

the loop that you keep

doing remember there are other things

that you can do you can offload the

luggage right you can see a therapist

you can work with a coach i think group

coaching is a really good avenue for

this kind of thing because it's like an

opportunity for people to form

relationships with each other that have

very good strict boundaries so it's like

a way to practice

talking to each other communicating your

feelings like it's like

how to make friends one-on-one because

in group we don't let you be friends

so we're gonna teach you all of these

skills and as you start to

as you bring luggage into the

relationship and you want to play games

with someone we're going to say no no

you're not allowed to do that

instead of playing games with them

because you feel connected talk about

how you want to play games with them

vocalize your feelings understand what's

going on on the inside

right bring all your luggage by all

means toss it our way we're ready to

take it but we're not going to give in

to it we're not going to give you the

relationship that you want to what we're

going to do is help you unburden

yourself of the luggage

so i think group coaching is very good

for this

so if you guys have this problem of

being lonely and like driving people

away and like having difficulty

interacting with other human beings

group coaching is literally it's like 12

weeks of training about like how to

interact with other human beings how to

listen how to be heard how to vocalize

your feelings how to connect with other

people how to understand yourself

how to understand other people

how to step aside from your own biases

and really listen to someone else

you