Romance is a game of hide-and-seek: remembering that you're already whole

Summary

In this episode of 'Psyx,' Dr. Orion Terban delves into the psychological game of romance, exploring the concept of hide-and-seek. He explains how people subconsciously cut off certain aspects of themselves, project these parts onto others, and seek wholeness through romantic relationships. The allure of romantic love lies in the fantasy of healing and self-discovery, yet the real path to wholeness involves embracing one's own completeness. Dr. Terban challenges the idea that romantic relationships can fix emotional fragmentation, advocating instead for self-awareness and healing as the true key to fulfillment.

Takeaways

• 😀 Romantics play a game of hide-and-seek with parts of themselves, repressing and hiding certain aspects of their identity in others.
• 😀 The process involves cutting off awareness of certain qualities, often the most admirable traits, and projecting them onto a romantic partner.
• 😀 This disavowal leads to a sense of incompleteness, as Romantics seek to reunite with these projected parts through relationships.
• 😀 Romantics tend to project these hidden parts onto individuals who are difficult to connect with, such as those already in relationships or 'out of their league.'
• 😀 Attraction isn't purely accidental—it's often driven by the unconscious desire to find these hidden parts, though the process itself is often not a conscious choice.
• 😀 The game of romantic love serves as a motivating force for people dissatisfied with their lives, prompting them to seek something better or more fulfilling.
• 😀 Romantics are not interested in actually obtaining what they want because that would end the game, removing the possibility of a better future or relationship.
• 😀 Emotional dissatisfaction and boredom can trigger the desire for romantic love, as people seek to escape or find meaning outside their current circumstances.
• 😀 The game of romance relies on denial—Romantics have to believe their disavowed parts truly exist in someone else to feel something emotionally, preventing the game's end.
• 😀 True wholeness and healing come not through romantic relationships, but through awakening to one's own completeness and resolving the underlying emotional wounds.

Q & A

What is the core concept of romance according to Dr. Orion Terban?

Dr. Orion Terban explains that the core concept of romance is a game of hide-and-seek. In this game, individuals cut off parts of themselves, hide them, and then forget about these hidden aspects. The process leads them to seek out these parts in others, but they often do so with the expectation that they won't fully realize they already have what they seek.

Why do Romantics cut off certain parts of themselves?

Romantics cut off parts of themselves to repress awareness of certain aspects, particularly the most beautiful, good, and ennobling parts of themselves. These aspects are then projected onto others, which creates a sense of incompleteness in the individual, who seeks to reunite with these disavowed parts through romantic relationships.

How does Dr. Terban explain the disavowal process in romance?

The disavowal process in romance involves cutting off the recognition of positive parts of oneself, such as kindness or beauty, and projecting them onto a partner. This disavowal leads to a sense of incompleteness and motivates individuals to seek those missing parts outside of themselves.

Why do Romantics often choose partners with whom connection seems difficult?

Romantics often choose partners who are difficult to connect with, such as someone already in a relationship or someone out of their league, because they don't actually want to unite with them. The game is about seeking something external, and getting what they want would end the game, leading to dissatisfaction.

What role does dissatisfaction with life play in the romantic game of hide-and-seek?

Dissatisfaction with life, such as being unfulfilled in work or relationships, creates the ideal conditions for the hide-and-seek game. Romantics hide parts of themselves in others as a way to motivate themselves to leave unsatisfying situations and seek fulfillment elsewhere.

How does Dr. Terban differentiate between a diversion and a motivating force in romantic relationships?

Dr. Terban suggests that romantic relationships are not merely diversions or distractions; they serve as a motivating force. The game of hide-and-seek, driven by dissatisfaction, pushes individuals to seek out what is missing in their lives, thus motivating action and change.

Why do Romantics resist becoming aware of the hide-and-seek game?

Romantics resist becoming aware of the hide-and-seek game because realizing the process would end the game. They would have to acknowledge that they have the parts of themselves they seek within them, which would eliminate the excitement and motivation that the game provides.

What happens if Romantics were to realize that they already possess the parts they seek in others?

If Romantics realized that they already possess the parts they seek in others, the game would end. They would no longer feel incomplete or broken, and the drive to seek external validation or love would disappear, which is not what they ultimately desire.

What does Dr. Terban suggest is the true path to wholeness in romantic relationships?

Dr. Terban suggests that true wholeness does not come from romantic relationships but from waking up to one's own essential wholeness. Healing comes from preventing the disavowal of positive aspects of the self and addressing the emotional wounds that caused the self to feel fractured in the first place.

How does the 'romantic love myth' play a role in this hide-and-seek game?

The 'romantic love myth' plays a role in perpetuating the hide-and-seek game by making individuals believe that they can reunite with their disavowed, positive parts by entering into a relationship. However, this myth keeps them in a cycle of seeking something outside of themselves rather than realizing their own wholeness.