Court Is In Session | Board AF: All Rise

Summary

The transcript depicts comedians roleplaying court cases with absurd premises and plot twists. They act out over-the-top scenarios as a judge, lawyers, witnesses, and jurors in made-up trials covering a Tooth Fairy charged with currency fraud, a cult leader with a fake resume, and a stepson refusing to call his stepdad 'Dad'. The improvised courtroom antics lead to humorous objections, fabricated evidence, and ridiculous testimonies as the players fully commit to outlandish characters and accents for comedic effect.

Takeaways

• 😀 The group plays a courtroom game with different roles and fake cases
• 😯 The first case is about the Tooth Fairy being charged for circulating currency
• 😂 There is humorous debate and presentation of absurd evidence
• 😠 The judge struggles to maintain order and follow court procedures
• 🤔 A witness goes on tangents about potato dishes at his restaurant
• 😡 The second case involves a cult leader with a questionable resume
• 😨 Witnesses give ridiculous testimony about batteries and goldfish
• 🎭 In the third case, people use British accents and bring up pirates
• 💪 The defense attorney delivers a cringeworthy rap during closing statement
• 🤣 Chaos and absurdity ensue throughout the comedic courtroom trials

Outlines

00:00

📺 Introduction to a Funny Courtroom Game Show

The video introduces a courtroom game show called "All Rise" with different roles like judge, prosecution, defense, jurors and witnesses. They swear in, reveal their roles for the first fake case, and explain the game mechanics involving evidence cards, secret identities and house rules set by the judge.

05:02

😆 Prosecuting the Tooth Fairy for Shady Dealings

The prosecution argues the Tooth Fairy is illegally circulating currency and presents dubious evidence like the missing Hope Diamond found in her stash. The defense objects and defends the Tooth Fairy's humble service of exchanging teeth for cash.

10:04

🦷 Calling Witnesses About the Tooth Fairy's Behavior

Witnesses including a confused lifeguard and rambling restaurant manager are questioned. The defense accuses the prosecution of coaching the witnesses. The anonymous witness claims to have received a live goldfish from the Tooth Fairy.

15:04

🗣 Closing Arguments For and Against the Tooth Fairy

In closing, the prosecution claims the Tooth Fairy laundered money and animals. The defense argues she legally exchanged teeth for cash. The jury narrowly decides the Tooth Fairy is guilty based on uneven evidence.

20:08

🧙‍♀️ Representing a Cult Charging Their Leader with Resume Fraud

A cult charges their leader with falsifying his resume and qualifications. The prosecution presents a foam finger as fake evidence of the leader's number one class rank at Harvard. The leader claims he showed the foam finger as a symbol to a representative who couldn't read.

25:10

🤥 Questioning Witnesses About the Cult Leader's Behavior

Witnesses including an oblivious lifeguard and rambling restaurant manager are called. The manager admits the leader lied about owning his business on his resume. The prosecution argues the leader cannot be trusted.

30:10

💬 Closing Remarks on the Cult Leader's Dishonesty

In closing, the prosecution argues the cult was misled based on the fake resume evidence. The defense questions believing the prosecution's account without objection. The jury narrowly finds the leader guilty of resume fraud.

35:17

🇬🇧 A British Court Case Over a Stepson Refusing to Call Stepdad 'Dad'

In a British court, a stepdad sues his stepson for not calling him dad. The stepdad's lawyer argues he deserves the title for committing to the family. The stepson's lawyer argues it's the son's choice to decide.

40:17

🧐 Questioning Witnesses About the Stepson and Stepdad's Relationship

Witnesses including a butler and babysitter are called to testify about the stepdad's positive parenting. On cross-examination, the timeline reveals the stepson was an adult in need of babysitting.

45:19

🗣 Closing Arguments For and Against the Stepdad's Title Claim

In closing, the stepdad's lawyer argues he deserves the title after years of commitment. The stepson's lawyer raps he won't be told what to do. The jury narrowly finds the stepson not guilty of refusal to use the title.

50:20

🏛 Ending the Fun Courtroom Game Show Session

The game show host thanks the players and viewers, asking them to suggest new fake court cases and jokes to try out in future videos to continue the fun courtroom antics.

Keywords

💡court case

A court case refers to a legal dispute brought before a court of law. The video features the cast playing fictional court cases for comedy. The court cases involve elaborate roleplaying with exaggerated characters and absurd evidence.

💡lawyer

A lawyer is a professional who represents clients in legal proceedings and advises them on legal matters. In the video, the players take on the roles of lawyers arguing fictional court cases in humorous ways.

💡judge

A judge presides over court proceedings and makes rulings on questions of law. In the video, one player takes on the role of the judge in each fictional case, often making ridiculous rulings for comedic effect.

💡jury

A jury is a group of people who listen to the evidence presented at a trial and determine whether the defendant is guilty or not guilty. The other players act as the jury in each fictional case.

💡witness

A witness provides testimony and evidence in a trial. The players take turns playing eccentric witness characters who offer absurd and exaggerated evidence.

💡objection

In trials, lawyers can raise objections to procedures, evidence presentation, or statements of the other party. The players frequently yell humorous objections during the fictional cases.

💡evidence

Evidence refers to the documented facts and information presented in a trial to establish claims. In the video, the players present ridiculous props and stories as evidence.

💡testimony

Testimony is a formal statement made by a witness under oath during a trial. The players provide exaggerated fictional testimony in character.

💡verdict

A verdict is the formal decision made by a jury at the end of a trial. The players vote on silly verdicts to conclude each fictional case.

💡roleplay

Roleplaying refers to acting out imaginary characters and scenarios. The video features humorous roleplaying of court cases, with the players adopting exaggerated personas.

Highlights

The group plays a courtroom game with fake cases and roles like judge, lawyers, witnesses, and jurors

The first case is about the Tooth Fairy being charged for unauthorized circulation of currency

The defense argues the Tooth Fairy provides a helpful service and buys lots of supplies like makeup and glitter

The prosecution claims the Tooth Fairy gives unfairly distributed gifts based on the person, not their teeth

The evidence includes a foam finger instead of a resume, showing the leader lied about qualifications

Other evidence is the Tooth Fairy smuggling the missing Hope Diamond and amassing piles of teeth

The next case involves a cult charging their leader with falsifying his resume with lies about Harvard

The defense says resumes are vague and he showed a foam finger to represent being #1 in his Harvard class

Witnesses like the police officer, manager, and anonymous person give confusing testimony

The third case deals with a stepson refusing to call his stepdad "dad" and the hurt feelings it causes

Evidence includes the stepdad's commitment shown by an engagement ring and fun Mario Kart outing

The stepson presents defiance with expiring animal crackers and suspicions about the stepdad's false teeth/leg

Witnesses like the butler, babysitter, and supposed best friend give contradictory perspectives

In the end the stepdad says he's been gone as a pirate lawyer but appreciates the stepdad stepping up

The stepson wraps up by declaring he's a rebel who listens to pop punk and won't be told what to do

Transcripts

- Order, order, all rise!

Welcome back to "BAF."

We're playing "All Rise."

It is a jury, judge, courtroom game

where we have fake cases,

and we have to defend or prosecute those cases.

- Woo!

- I swear.

- On what?

- On the Bible.

- Careful. You're gonna burn, bitch.

- I swear to tell the whole.

- Everyone left hand on the Bible.

Let's all swear in.

- I'm swearing in.

- Swearing in.

- I'm swearing on "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers."

(dramatic boom)

- So flip the cards and reveal your role in the first case.

- Amanda.

- Defense.

- [Chanse] Defense.

(beep)

- Juror/witness.

- [Arasha] Ooh.

- Prosecution.

- [All] Ooh!

- Juror/witness.

- [Courtney] Ooh.

- Juror/witness.

- [Courtney] Ooh.

- [Amanda] Great

- Judge.

- Yo! Toss him that-

- Let's (beep) go!

- Lace front.

- [Chanse] Hell yeah. - [Angela] Yeah!

- Whoa. Fly in the wig.

- That's awesome.

Oh, nice.

(Courtney laughs)

- So now Amanda and I, as the defense and prosecution,

have these evidence cards,

which are fake evidence that we can flip over.

And the three witnesses have secret identity witnesses

that we can call upon later.

- Don't forget about the notepads too, guys.

- Oh, yes.

- All right.

- [Courtney] And you guys have your objection cards.

- I get to decide the case.

I also get to decide house rules.

Here's the house rule for this one.

- [Amanda] I knew it.

- We're from the East Coast.

You could be from Boston, you can be from New York,

you gotta be from wherever, but it's gotta be East Coast.

- All right.

- All right?

- [Amanda] No problem.

- If you're not, if you don't do some of that stuff,

I'm gonna call it out, all right?

I don't want West Coast in here, all right?

- Watch your (beep) back.

I'll do it.

- I can't look at his hairline.

It's so disgusting.

(everyone laughs)

- Hey, there you go.

- How you doing?

How's it going over there?

Chanse?

- I'm doing well. How are you?

- Uh-oh. We don't know what's going on here.

- We don't know where he's from.

- What do you mean?

I'm from the East Coast.

- All right.

- It's giving Italian.

- You're what we call a transplant.

- All right, here's the case.

- [Amanda] All right.

- [Shayne] Tooth Fairy faces charges

for unauthorized circulation of currency in US.

(Courtney gasps)

- Tooth Fairy.

- The Tooth Fairy is being charged by the US government.

- All right, the Tooth Fairy is my client.

She's 65 years young.

- [Shayne] That's right.

- Yes, that's right.

- That's right.

The tooth before that,

65 years ago, if you lost your tooth, you got nothing.

- No, you got nothing.

Then she stepped into the business, and guess what?

People get cash under their pillows, all right?

- I'm the US government,

and I'm here to defend the US government-

- I think it's fine that you have that accent.

- Where did yours-

- I don't know what happened.

- All right.

(gavel bangs)

- [Chanse] Yeah, you got the power.

- Order in the court! All right?

- All right.

- Jesus.

All right, we'll now hear opening statements.

Prosecution, you may begin.

- Ladies and gentlemen, first of all,

thank you for coming out today.

- I guess it's east, sort of, but whatever.

- The US government cannot keep track

of the Tooth Fairy's dealings any longer.

They are under the table, they are not taxable,

and we can't keep track of 'em.

And there's an unequal distribution of wealth

that she's going about, and it's unsustainable,

and we will not stand for it, so it's also unsu-stand-able.

- All right, that's it?

- That's all I've to say right now.

- All right, that's fine. Okay.

- Great joke. I like that.

I barely laughed.

All right, guys, so I am defending the fairy godmother,

whatever her name is.

I'm defending the Tooth Fairy, all right?

All she does is she creates services

for your children who lose their goddamn teeth.

She's kind, she dresses up.

Do you know how much makeup this woman has to buy

and how much glitter she has to buy

in order to enter a home?

She has to break into your home so you don't hear her.

And she's got piles and piles of teeth, all right?

She had to buy storage units just for the teeth, all right?

So she's got stuff that she needs to get done, all right?

And I just wanna let you know that Esmeralda,

that's her name, the Tooth Fairy.

- Okay.

- Her real name is Rita, but she calls herself Esmeralda.

She has one home in Jersey.

That's it. She's humble, all right?

She's very, very humble.

So I just wanna let you know that as a defense,

I'm going to defend her until the end of my time

because she does a service-

(gavel bangs)

To everybody.

- All right, defense, that is your time.

- What?

I thought I had 10 minutes. - That's your time.

No, you get a minute.

- All right. Fine.

(beep)

- 10?

- Where's my coffee?

- We don't got all day, all right?

- Hey, where's my coffee?

All right, let's go.

- How's your mother doing by the way?

- She's all right.

You know, she's sick.

- Ah.

- [Amanda] Yeah.

- Yeah.

All right, we're moving on to round-

- Doesn't sound like all right.

- Two. All right.

It is time for the prosecution to deliver their evidence

and, you know, all that shit.

Prosecution, you may begin.

- This, oh shit.

This Tooth Fairy is unethical, and I'll tell you why.

She gives different gifts to different people

based on their teeth.

And not based on the hygiene of the teeth.

Based on the general person.

- Not the amount of teeth or anything?

- Not the amount of teeth either.

Some molars were getting $20.

Some...

(Courtney laughs)

Back teeth, the wisdom teeth were getting two.

Doesn't make sense.

Wasn't based on size, wasn't based on how white they are.

It was just random.

And the US government can't keep track of that any longer.

Someone under their pillow got an uncooked shish kebab.

(Courtney gasps)

Under their pillow.

You know how gross that is?

I don't let my kids eat in the bed.

- Objection.

What's the problem with giving children food?

I don't understand it.

(gavel bangs)

- Oh, sustained, I guess.

Yeah.

- Sustained?

- No, I agree with that.

- Thank you very much.

- They woke up with meat under the pillow where they sleep.

You don't want meat grease.

- You said it was sustained.

- It's fine.

No, it is sustained, but you stop talking now.

- Objection.

You said sustained.

- But now you said your thing.

- This court is outta control,

and the justice is not correct.

- And then at another house

under the pillow was the Hope Diamond that's been missing.

- Objection! I thought-

- [Chanse] So long.

- Objection.

I thought he was only supposed to use one piece of evidence.

- Overruled. Shut the (beep) up.

Okay. Your time is up.

- The Hope Diamond was found.

The Tooth Fairy was smuggling it!

- The Hope Diamond was found?

Oh shit, that's a serious crime.

- It's a serious crime.

- All right, defense, let's see your evidence.

- All right.

I'm going over here,

and I'm taking as many pieces of evidence as I can.

- All right.

- Hello. I am the defense for Esmeralda, AKA Rita.

She has one house in Jersey.

Don't get it twisted.

- Objection. What's her real name?

- Rita.

Sustained. - It's sustained.

- Am I right?

- Overruled.

- Overruled. That's right.

(gavel bangs)

- Don't tell me how to do my job.

- [Amanda] Don't tell me how to not do my job.

- Your timer is running put!

- All right! - Running outta time.

- I have evidence here

that the Tooth Fairy is being bullied, all right?

This is a evidence of thousands of bloody thumbtacks.

Here's what happened.

- What?

- She jumped through a window

because she was running from a dog, which is outrageous.

- Objection. I heard she's trespassing.

- Shut your mouth.

- Overruled.

- What?

How was that overruled?

- It's a delivery person.

It's a different thing. - Thank you.

She's a delivery person.

Keep your dogs locked up, all right?

- Wait.

- Thousands of bloody thumbtacks.

What's the deal?

This is some "Home Alone" shit.

All right, she's trying to come in there.

She's trying to, you know, take some teeth

and give you some cash, all right?

What is this? This is bullying.

People are setting her up for failure, and that's not fair.

Another piece of event.

(Angela laughs)

Evidence.

Industrial-sized cheese grater, okay?

I don't know why it's there.

Someone put it in the place of a tooth.

That's not fair.

She hurt her fingers.

All right, broken ski pole.

That's what happened.

She tried to go skiing the other day in Vermont

because she was on vacation.

There were no teeth to be grabbed,

and someone broke her ski pole.

So, to be honest, Esmeralda is getting (beep) with,

and I don't appreciate it.

She's just a delivery person trying to do her service.

Thank you very much.

- All right, time.

Nothing that you said had anything to do

with the defense of this woman.

- What?

- It's fine.

- Yes, it did.

She's getting abused.

- [Shayne] All right.

- I thought you were on my side.

- What?

- I'm not on either of your side.

I'm the judge.

- Oh.

- I'm supposed to be impartial.

- Objection. - You can't object.

- Object the judge?

- I was just checking to make sure it worked.

- All right, we'll now call the witnesses to the stands.

Present your witnesses, please.

- How is your father doing?

- Oh, he's sick.

- Oh, poor guy.

- Probably the same thing your mother has.

- Yeah. Unhappiness.

- [Chanse] Okay, I'd like to call the police officer

up to the stand.

- Oh, this guy's a crooked cop.

- Who's the police officer?

- I-

- Oh.

- You're looking at him.

- Oh shit.

- Jesus Christ. - Oh boy.

- Thank you for coming out today and giving us your time.

- Of course. Anything for my country.

- And thank you for your service.

- [Angela] Yeah.

- So you were on call in multiple locations

where the Tooth Fairy trespassed.

- Yes. I don't trust her.

- No.

And you're familiar with the Ring technology

that keeps people out of homes?

- Yes, the Ring. Yeah.

- Objection. Leading the witness.

- It's overruled.

I don't know what that means.

(everyone laughs)

- Read a book, buddy.

- And how often would you say you get calls

to check on Tooth Fairy related disturbances?

- I'd say three to four times a day.

- Three to four times a day.

- Objection. He's yelling at me, and it's unfair.

- Overruled.

You deserve it.

- Yeah.

- Overruled?

- Three to four times a day.

Time when the police could be solving crimes

or doing whatever else.

- Are you talking me or you talking to the cop?

- I'm talking-

- Who are you talking to?

- Objection. I don't want him to talk to me.

- Okay. Sustained.

- Time.

- [Amanda] Thank you.

- Time that the police could be doing actual work

instead of Tooth Fairy related nonsense.

- Yes.

- Wait, are you yelling at the cop?

- He is presenting his argument.

Shut up.

- The witness has hardly said shit right now.

What did you call him to the stand for?

- And, Mr. Police Officer,

tell us the worst disturbance you had with the Tooth Fairy.

- Okay, it happened on a Tuesday,

and I love Tuesdays 'cause I get a short day on Tuesdays.

- [Chanse] Right.

- And...

- How short is this day?

- Usually I get a half day on Tuesdays.

- [Shayne] Okay.

- It's like a kid at an elementary school.

Tuesday is a half day.

- And it's time. All right.

(everyone laughs)

You'd like to cross examine the witness?

- Of course I would.

I wanna hear about this half (beep) day.

- Let's (beep) go.

- All right, Mr. Cop, Mr. Police Officer,

I respect your services.

Thank you so much for all your services.

I enjoyed your cookies last year at the Christmas parade.

- You guys know each other?

- Yes, we do.

I know everyone here, so shut up.

All right, here we go.

So I'm so happy that you had a short day.

Can you tell me what did the Tooth Fairy give you

for Christmas last year

when your daughter lost all of her teeth

because she got it knocked out from a softball?

- Will you repeat the question please?

(Chanse laughs)

- What did your daughter get

from the Tooth Fairy last Christmas

when she knocked out all of her teeth?

- Objection.

Why is the Tooth Fairy giving presents on Christmas?

That's Santa Claus's territory and his job legally.

- Overruled.

If someone loses their tooth on Christmas,

what's the difference?

- Thank you so much.

- Air traffic control.

- This wig.

- What did the Tooth Fairy give your daughter

who lost all her teeth because of a softball?

Hello?

- It all started on a Tuesday,

and I love Tuesdays 'cause I get a half day.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.

- Christmas is on a Tuesday?

- And my poor daughter, I love her so much.

Her name is Roseanne.

My daughter, my sweet daughter.

She...

I came home early that day 'cause I get off of work.

- Yeah, pick it up, pick it up.

What did the Tooth Fairy give you?

I'm so glad you retired.

- Get to the (beep) point.

- [Amanda] Pick it up.

- The Tooth Fairy came over to my house,

and I'm a police officer so I don't really like guests.

It was on a Tuesday at four o'clock,

and you could imagine that one would be at work,

but that day I get off early.

- Your time is up.

I'm gonna do everything in my power

to get you removed from the force.

All right.

- I literally didn't get an answer to my question,

which is completely unfair.

So can I please call another witness?

- Yes, you may call another witness.

- All right, I call the one who wishes to remain anonymous.

- [Chanse] Oh shit.

- Show yourself.

- Oh my god, yes, the voice.

- Oh good.

All right, go ahead.

- Okay, the one who wishes to remain anonymous,

thank you so much for stepping forward.

Thank you so much for your service.

I hope that your dog Billy is doing better.

- How do you know him?

I don't have a dog.

- Yes, of course.

- You don't know my dog.

- Well, your face is blocked out,

but I can still see your body so I know exactly who you are.

All right, I have a question for you.

What did the tooth fairy give your dog

after he lost his bottom tooth?

- It's a pretty straight question.

- Objection. She gives dog teeth presents too?

- Objection. Get outta here.

(Chanse laughs)

- You can't object my objection.

- Objection. This is my witness.

- Overruled.

You can't object to someone else's objection,

but your objection is overruled.

- [Amanda] Thank you.

- [Courtney] There was one-

- Hush hush hush!

- There was one goldfish.

- Okay.

Goldfish don't have teeth.

- Under my dog's pillow.

- Under the dog's pillow.

So here's my point.

There's goldfish, which means that the Tooth Fairy

isn't just (beep) counterfeiting money or anything.

She's also (laughs)

(everyone laughs)

- It was a live goldfish.

- Alive animals.

- Alive.

(everyone laughs)

- Your honor. Your honor.

- [Amanda] What?

- Do you not hear this?

- What's the case?

- Sorry, I was kinda zoned out for a second.

- So there's no money.

- She also has underground animal-

- No. Wait.

So...

(chair squeaks)

(everyone laughs)

- Okay, did you just fart in my courtroom?

- Objection. She's farting in the courtroom.

- You can't fart in my courtroom.

I swear to God if you fart-

- Wait a second, it's my (beep) chair.

All right.

- All right, time is up.

- That's not fair!

- [Shayne] You may cross examine.

- Objection! I did not fart.

- You can't object me.

- [Amanda] I did not fart.

- You do not object me.

- [Amanda] I did not fart.

- Seriously outside the video,

no farting in the video, I'm serious.

'Cause now we all have to sit here with your (beep) fart.

- I did not fart.

It was my shirt.

Objection.

- Well, you should have worn a different shirt

that doesn't fart.

Okay, before we move on, who are you?

- The juror.

- Juryor.

(everyone laughs)

- You're not from the East Coast.

- Who are you? - All right, fine.

- I'm on your side.

- What is that accent?

Where are you from?

- That's rules of the court.

- You gotta be from the East Coast.

- Maryland.

- All right, fine.

Jesus Christ.

You may cross examine the witness.

- You had goldfish under your pillow?

- Yeah.

- And what did you do with the goldfish teeth?

- Objection.

- You can't object everything!

- Shut up, Amanda!

- Objection.

- Amanda!

- That's not my name.

- The dog lost the teeth.

The present was the goldfish alive.

- Alive?

And what did you do with the goldfish?

- Put it in the toilet.

- Oh shit.

I rest my case, your honor.

- [Amanda] Okay, that really destroyed me.

- You rest your case?

All right, fine.

Okay.

We're gonna move on to closing arguments.

But you've already rested your case.

- Oh wait, no, I rest...

- [Amanda] What?

- Wait, I-

- Rest your case means you're done.

- I get it, I get it.

- All right, fine, fine, fine, fine.

I get it.

- Dismiss the witness or something.

- All right, time for closing arguments.

Prosecution, you may close.

Do your thing.

- The Tooth Fairy not only is laundering money,

but apparently now animals as well

as we've heard from the defendant's own mouth.

But I do have one final piece of evidence.

The Ark of the Covenant.

We found it. Opened it up.

- You opened it up?

- We opened it up.

- Objection.

You cannot present evidence in closing statements.

- I sure the (beep) can.

- Overruled.

Fine, we can.

(Angela laughs)

- We opened it up.

We found the teeth the Tooth Fairy's been hiding for years,

amassed in a teeth king situation.

One massive tooth. (laughs)

- All right, that's it.

(beep)

Good job.

- Thank you very much.

- You opened it and you survived.

That's impressive.

- Can I do my closing arguments?

- Yeah. Close your (beep) argument.

- [Amanda] All right.

- Are you hot?

- I'm here to close my arguments here.

So Esmeralda, AKA Rita, is a very sweet lady.

She has not been, you know, circulating currency in the US

except for to the benefit of human beings.

- It's the first time you talked about the case.

- On the East Coast.

Human beings are receiving cash for their lovely teeth.

She's doing a service.

She's literally giving people cash for teeth.

I don't understand how that's an issue.

And sometimes she gives goldfish,

which means she doesn't circulate currency.

- You're supposed to defend her from this.

- I am defending her.

And also she took a paternity test.

- Oh!

- Okay?

And it seems like you've been sleeping with Rita

on the side.

And you're pissed because she's cheating on you

because you don't have-

- No, I'm pissed 'cause she didn't give me any of the money!

- Oh!

- I don't need to object to any of that.

Listen to that.

- No, yeah. I heard it.

- Okay.

- [Shayne] I heard.

- Are we gonna like throw him in contempt of court.

- No, no, we're not gonna do that.

That'd be a lot of work.

- And I rest my case.

- Very good. Nothing makes sense here.

Why does my hammer have a ball sack line on it, you know?

(everyone laughs)

- Why did that last curve ball at the end?

- Look at the judge.

- Of course it's authorized.

- [Angela] The judge is laughing at a ball sack joke.

- The Tooth Fairy has the rights to give the cash out,

like the currency that she's been given,

it's because she's getting teeth in exchange.

- This is why I don't get jurors from Maryland.

- They brought up Santa Claus.

Santa Claus also gives gifts. - No, they're annoying.

- [Arasha] He gives different gifts as well.

- Well, she mentioned piles and piles of teeth.

So where's she getting the money from?

She's keeping all the teeth.

- I don't know where she's from either.

- She's anonymous.

- She said piles of teeth.

- Piles of teeth.

Well, she's collecting them, but she's giving currency.

- Arasha took legit notes.

- [Arasha] Who has the teeth to take back?

(crew laughs)

Listen, it's not taxable, I understand.

Like, that's what's tough. - Yeah, you're smart.

You're smart.

- That's what's tough.

But listen, I hear it.

She works hard. - [Shayne] Oh god.

- [Courtney] But it is a gift, no?

- [Arasha] It's a gift.

- [Courtney] Gifts are not taxed.

- [Chanse] Yes, they are.

- I think we have our verdict.

- All right, I'm gonna vote.

- Let's hear.

All right, juror number one, what's your vote?

- Guilty.

- So I'm guilty?

- No, your client.

- Your client is guilty. - Your client is guilty.

- But that means I'm guilty.

(beep)

- We haven't all voted.

- That's how I represent my clients.

- You know what?

For today, yes.

- That's how I represent.

- For today, for right now, yes.

- You're not well.

- You're not well, and your mother's not well.

- I know. She's sick.

- I know.

- And so is your father.

- The votes, the votes, the votes.

- Your honor, can I speak?

- Yes, you can.

- You just drew pictures on your notes.

- That was Chanse a round ago.

Okay.

I'm gonna say you're not guilty.

- Oh.

Comes down to juror number three, you (beep) nerd.

What'd you say?

- It's crazy. She legit took notes.

- You were writing so much, you weren't paying attention.

- That's not how notes work.

(everyone laughs)

- Welcome to the East Coast.

- The verdict is not guilty.

- [Shayne] Whoa. - Whoa!

- [Shayne] All right, it's been decided.

- [Chanse] That's bullshit.

- All right.

- Rita, did you hear it?

- [Shayne] You're free to go. - We're not guilty.

- How is that possible?

- You're free to go, Tooth Fairy.

Get the (beep) outta my court.

- All right, thank you so much.

(beep) you, (beep) you, and thank you very much.

You're gonna get a bottle of whiskey from me.

- I can drink it on Tuesdays

when I get off work. - [Amanda] RIP to your father.

- I'll be seeing you tomorrow.

(everyone applauds)

(dramatic boom)

- I am the judge this round.

- Ooh!

- [Angela] I can't wait.

- [Shayne] Oh, Christ.

- Yes.

- Oh yes.

- [Arasha] Slay.

- [Chanse] Stiff wear.

- Oh, on the side, okay.

- [Arasha] Okay, Pantene.

- Order in the court.

Will the prosecutor please show yourself?

- [Chanse] Wow.

- And the defendant?

Ooh.

- I am Judge Nicholson.

- Ooh.

- And I am so happy to be here.

I love justice.

Woohoo!

House rules, everybody must be so polite to each other

because politeness is a slay.

And be polite or serve (beep)

Either way.

- Ooh. - Ooh, okay.

- Okay, the case is as follows.

Local cult charges leader with falsifying resume.

Oh no!

- Cult?

- Cult.

- And this is Malibu, California.

Charges leader with falsifying resume.

Oh no.

- So I'm representing the cult?

- You are representing the local cult.

And you are the leader,

or the representation for the leader.

Let's hear our opening statements from prosecution first.

- Your honor.

- Oh.

- I stand before you today in the court of kindness,

the court of honor, and the court of morality.

- [Chanse] Oh my god.

- And I stand here before you today representing a cult.

A cult of people who have been wronged,

who have been led astray,

and who have been lied to, your honor.

- Oh.

- If this court stands for honesty,

then I stand that you should stand with my client.

- Is that everything you had to say?

There's so much time left.

- Oh my god.

Let me address the witnesses directly.

- I'm a juror.

- Jurors directly.

Let me address the jurors directly.

Jurors directly.

- Jurors. - Jurors.

- Jurors.

- This is crazy.

- I am Mrs. Bobblehead.

- Oh.

- And I'm a lawyer at this great town.

And this cult, the Kiddos, they call themselves the Kiddos.

- We're in Malibu, California, right?

- Yes, and I reside here.

- Oh, that's lovely.

- Okay?

This cult has been wronged and led astray.

And I feel so terrible for them.

And you should too.

And this journey I'll bring you on will have evidence,

circumstantial and not, and you'll have to keep up.

But I say beyond a reasonable doubt, remember that.

I'm just saying a bunch of court words.

- I love that.

- So many court words and so little story.

(everyone laughs)

- Because this is the opening statement.

Your honor, I thought this was a court of kindness?

- Yes, and I'm very kindly telling you, that's shit.

(everyone laughs)

Let's open it up to the defense attorney.

- Your honor, I am the leader.

I'm here representing myself.

And all I have to say is a resume is something

that is just fact.

Has all of your experience.

But in all honesty, just like all of our experiences,

it's actually quite vague.

And the things that we end up really learning in our lives,

it's something that we really need to explain

in great detail.

- Wow, so much time and also so little story.

This is so crazy.

Woohoo!

- I would also like to say that my fellow cult

that is here today, I do support them.

It's unfortunate the circumstances

that we have found ourselves in today.

They are just angry.

And they right now are without a leader.

- Slay.

That is all the time.

Okay, now that we have heard the opening statements,

I hope the witnesses and jurors have their feelings

and opinions.

Prosecution, may you present your case, please.

- Your Honor.

Mrs. Bottom Bobblehead here.

- Bottom?

- Mrs. Bottom Bottlehead Bobblehead.

(Courtney laughs)

Here to, so listen, yes.

Your Honor wanted a story.

- Tell us what happened.

- You'll get a story.

My cult, the cult that I'm representing today,

they all decided upon a leader for their cult

based off of a resume, okay?

So they collected resumes, and they interviewed people.

And then this resume that they picked for this cult leader

said that he was very, very well equipped

for the job of cult leader.

It said that he went to Harvard,

which he did not, your honor.

And it also said that he was number one.

That is true

because I am offering a piece of evidence today,

which is a foam finger declaring number one.

And your honor, when you look closely at the resume,

you could see that it isn't a resume.

It's actually a foam finger.

- [Chanse] Oh.

- And he lied, your honor.

He lied.

I want the gentleman and the ladies of the jury to see

that this is not a resume.

This is a foam finger.

- [Amanda] Foam finger.

- Okay? It is a foam finger.

I think there's a clear difference between a piece of paper

that has your accolades on it and a foam finger.

- [Chanse] That's true.

- Foam finger.

- And your honor, that is what happened here today.

I rest.

- Excellent. - Oh.

- This part.

(crew laughs)

- "This part."

- That part.

- "I rest."

- Now for the defendant to present your case.

- The thing is with the foam finger

is that is not my entire resume.

In fact, that is just the one

that I showed the representative today

because they cannot read.

- Objection. Confusing.

- So that's-

- Oh, sustained.

I was also a little confused.

So sorry.

- Yes, I will clarify what I mean.

You see my resume I did share it

with the entirety of the cult.

I shared it as well with Mrs. Bottomhead.

- Objection.

My name is Bottom Bobblehead. - Bobblehead.

- I thought it, Bobblehead.

- But she was unable to read my resume.

So instead I showed her a parallel,

which was this foam finger to indicate

that I was in fact number one in my class.

- Objection. I can read.

- Sustained.

- Can read.

- I am a part of Harvard's number one class,

and I did end in number one.

- Objection. There is no number one class of Harvard.

- Mrs. Bottomhead doesn't know anything

because she cannot read.

- Objection. Bottle, Bobblehead.

- Bottlehead now.

Mrs. Bottlehead did not go to college.

- There's been so many objections in the last 60 seconds.

I cannot keep track.

Objection sustained about number one class.

- And my piece of evidence

that I would like to present is dead batteries

that I found coming out of Mrs. Bottlehead's ass.

- [Sound Effect] Hello?

- Mrs. Bottlehead is not a coherent human

to gather evidence from.

- Is that true?

- Objection. Nothing came outta my ass.

(everyone laughs)

Objection, your honor.

The defense cannot speak about my body.

I am the lawyer representing the cult.

I'm not a part of this case and neither is my ass!

- Objection is overruled.

- [Chanse] "Neither is my ass."

- It's evidence that has been presented.

It is real. It is canon.

(gavel bangs)

(Angela laughs)

Is that the end of your statement?

- Yes.

- Amazing.

Now let us have the prosecution pick a witness

to speak with.

And okay, the prosecution will question first.

- Your honor, I would like to bring forth

to the case the lifeguard.

- Ooh.

- (beep) yeah.

What's up?

Dude, Malibu. What's up?

"Sharknado" was a movie that I watched a lot.

- That was not a question I asked you.

Thank you, lifeguard, for being here today.

- You are so welcome, man.

So many people are swimming, swimming, swimming,

and I'm not there to watch 'em and save them.

But I'm here. - Okay, all right.

Now as a member of the cult.

- Yes, sir.

- As a member of the cult,

as someone who's been talking to me,

do you think I'm a robot?

(crew laughs)

- Yes.

- Or am I human? No.

- What?

- Do I have batteries coming outta my ass?

- That would be sick.

No.

- So what you think has been presented here today,

do you find that true or false?

- I find it like a wave.

Like, it comes in and it comes out,

and it takes you and sometimes you can drown.

Was that the question?

- I was so helpful to you when I played your witness

and you are not being helpful.

- I'm so sorry. Yes.

- [Angela] Okay.

- What was the question?

- Oh, goodness gracious, Amanda.

Your honor.

(everyone laughs)

- I feel like I'm at home right now.

- As a member of the cult,

were you led astray by the defense?

- Yeah, I was.

They kept throwing a foam number at me, and I was like,

"I don't know what that means, dude.

"Like, show me your credentials."

- And in what ways did that affect

and harm you and your community?

- I sold like six surfboards to be in this cult,

and it was all a lie.

I don't have a home.

- Your honor, I'm finished with this witness.

(crew laughs)

- Okay. Would the defendant like to cross examine?

- Yes, I would.

So, Mr. Lifeguard, sir,

how long have you been a part of our cult?

- Six months.

- Six months, and you said that you had

to sell six, six, six surfboards.

(Chanse gasps)

So are you referring to the initiation fee of the cult?

- Yeah.

- And how much did you have to pay for that?

- $6,000.

- [Arasha] Who did you pay that to?

- You.

- I'm sorry, but Mr. Lifeguard, I've never seen you before,

so I don't think that you gave me that money.

What I assume to be happening here

is that you might have been given it to,

you might have given that money to Mrs. Bottlehead

or one of her representatives. - It's Bobblehead.

- Objection. Leading the witness.

Objection. Bottom Bobblehead.

- Which objection would you like me to answer?

- Leading the witness.

- Okay. I don't know about that.

Overruled.

- No.

I just met this lawyer.

I just met him like a month ago.

- See, Mr. Lifeguard, I find that hard to believe

because I think we all

just saw Mrs. Bottle Bottom Bobblehead yell at you

to shape up

and help answer their questions more effectively.

- Objection. That was above board.

- That was just for me.

- "That was above board."

- That is your time.

Okay. Next round.

- Okay, see you guys later

- Now the defendant may present a witness.

- All right, I would like to bring the manager

to the stage please, to the stand.

- Hi, I'm the manager.

- (beep)

(crew laughs)

- Hello, Mr. Manager.

- Hi. How you doing?

- I'm good. How are you?

- I'm doing great.

Thank you for asking.

- Of course.

Would you please be able to just say your full name

so that everyone in the court knows who you are?

- Yep. Jerry Spruce.

(everyone laughs)

- [Arasha] Mr. Spruce.

- Yep.

- And, Mr. Spruce, what exactly is your position?

What are you the manager of?

- I'm the manager at the Spud Hut.

- Very nice.

(everyone laughs)

- We got plenty of potatoes down at the Spud Hut.

We got barbecue chicken.

- [Amanda] Oh no.

- Buffalo chicken.

Mediterranean.

That one's got feta and sun dried tomatoes.

- Yes. Yes.

- We've got a Cobb potato.

Cobb spud.

- [Amanda] The timer is on, right?

- [Chanse] Got blue cheese and bacon.

- [Arasha] Right.

- And ranch.

We got a Sicilian one.

That one's got pepperoni.

- Mr. Spruce, I don't mean to cut you off-

- Even got a fettucino alfredi spud.

- But you know we did-

- Alfredi!

- We have catered from you before already.

So we already-

- Got the noodles and the chicken and the sauce.

(gavel bangs)

- [Courtney] Okay. Oh whoa oh.

- [Chanse] Cheese sprinkled on top.

- [Arasha] Actually I'm good with the witness, thank you.

- People don't really like the-

- Okay. Okay.

- People don't really like the vegan ones though 'cause-

- Witness, you will be removed from the courtroom

if you do not stop talking.

- They're spuds, they're vegan.

- Don't sit right well.

It's the vegan toppings they don't like.

- Hey, I did better than this guy.

- Can't go wrong with the all-American spud.

- [Courtney] Do we have a bailiff?

- It's got chili.

- Bailiff? Do we have a bailiff?

(everyone laughs)

- We need a bailiff to remove this witness

from the courtroom.

- I gave everything I could.

- The Spud Hut was the best thing that ever happened to me.

My wife (laughs)

- [Alex] Please remove.

- Bailiff, please remove this man.

- And I'll tell you we eat so many spuds.

- You are piping hot.

Why are you so hot?

- [Chanse] It's because of the potatoes.

(gavel bangs)

- [Courtney] Order in this courtroom.

- [Chanse] 400 degrees.

(dramatic music)

- Please, your honor,

I wanna talk to him about the Spud Hut.

(crew laughs)

Please, your honor, please.

- [Courtney] That's not the order-

- Comment down below your favorite order from the Spud Hut.

- What's your order from the Spud?

- [Amanda] Alfredi.

- Your honor, please let me cross examine the witness.

- If you insist.

- I'm putting a timer on this shit.

- We have brought him back in the courtroom.

If he does not stay to the topic at hand,

he will be removed once again.

(crew laughs)

- Your honor.

Okay, Mr. Spud Hut.

Really quickly, just say really quickly for me.

Did this person lead you astray in the cult?

- In the what?

- Did this person-

(everyone laughs)

Quickly.

Did this person lead you astray in the cult?

- Well, when he worked for me, he was a very good employee.

- Ooh.

- But did he lead you astray in any way?

Did he lie to you with a resume?

Did you believe him?

- Well, it said he owned the Spud Hut,

which I thought was weird 'cause I own the Spud (laughs)

(everyone laughs)

- So he did in fact lie?

- Oh, I guess that is what that is, yeah.

That makes more sense.

- With the remainder of my time, I would like to say,

me Mrs. Bottom Bottle Bottlehead, I love the Spud Hut.

- What's your order?

The Korean fried chicken spud?

- Yes.

- That's a good one.

- Order in this courtroom please.

No more talk of spud before I throw up.

Now it is time for the closing statements.

There was a lot of objections.

(beep)

- Oh my god.

That's crazy.

- There were a lot of objections in this case.

Please remember which were sustained

and which were overruled.

Because if they were overruled,

that statement was stricken from record.

Closing statements.

Prosecution may speak.

- Your honor, the jury, Spud Hut,

I thank you so much for this opportunity today

because to speak on behalf of this cult,

the Kiddos have been led astray by the defense.

And I think it's been very clear.

A foam finger is not a resume, okay?

A cult leader is not a liar.

A potato is not a Spud Hut.

I don't know. I went for a third.

I think the lifeguard today showed,

the manager showed that this person is not to be trusted.

And I want to speak with the remainder of my time

against the allegations that batteries came outta my ass.

They did not.

(Courtney laughs)

I'm a respectable woman with a normal ass.

(Courtney laughs)

- I want that on a shirt.

- [Angela] I'm a respectable woman.

- With a normal ass.

- [Angela] With a normal ass.

Thank you, your Honor.

- Okay.

Thanks so much for speaking.

(everyone laughs)

Now your final closing statements from the defense.

(gavel bangs)

- Your Honor and the jury, my fellow cult,

all I would like to say is what is it

that we are doing here today?

You are all listening to one person,

and you are choosing to believe what they are saying,

what they are leading you to believe.

That may be just how a cult begins on its own.

I don't think any of you have quite understood

exactly what you have chosen to believe today.

- Your honor, objection.

This has nothing to do with lying.

- There's no objection in closing statements.

- I ask you to consider

which side of this case has chosen not to object

off of every remark that has been said about them.

Only people who are with batteries would do that.

- Do not come for my ass again.

- "Do not come for my ass again," dude.

(Courtney laughs)

- Okay. Is that everything?

- That is everything.

- Thank you so much for speaking.

Okay. It is time for the jurors to speak and vote.

- I took some notes.

- Okay. Let's see.

(everyone laughs)

- Oh my god. Superman.

- Shayne, that's...

- [Amanda] I actually took notes.

- I did take some other notes.

- Harvard.

- I have 6,000, six months, six surfboards.

That's 666.

- Oh my god!

I didn't even do that on purpose.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- I was taking notes, but I was also thinking after this,

we'd go to the Spud Hut.

I've got a spicy Chipotle spud.

- Oh yum.

- Sweet pulled pork spud.

- [Chanse] Oh yum.

- Gravy spud, green tea mochi spud.

- No, You don't want.

Don't get the dessert spuds.

They're not good.

- The chocolate taco.

- They're still just normal potatoes

but with the dessert toppings on top.

- They're so gross honestly.

- Smores spud I got it and it was not good.

- I got so sick from it.

- Okay.

- All right, I feel like I made my decision.

- Okay. Has everybody made their decision-

- On what to eat?

(everyone laughs)

Or on the case?

- Not the mochi spud.

- We will begin on this side.

- All right.

Not guilty.

- You're an idiot.

- [Courtney] Okay.

(everyone laughs)

The next witness.

- Guilty.

- Guilty. We have one and one.

It comes down to this.

- I find the defendant guilty.

- Oh, you're in trouble.

- Due to the votes,

the defendant, the cult leader is guilty.

Their punishment will be,

they must be the bottom feeder of a cult.

And the bottom will have batteries coming out of it.

- Oh.

- Oh no

- Batteries. That sucks.

- For six months. No parole.

- [Shayne] You're eating batteries.

- I just won my first court case.

You know what I'm gonna do?

Go to the Spud Hut!

(everyone cheers)

- We're going to Spud Hut.

(dramatic boom)

- Hello.

We are here in British Court,

and it's gonna be a lot of different accents,

but I would like to hear and make sure that it is British.

So let's go around

and let's hear what everybody's role is beginning with you.

- Right.

So I'm British, and I'm very happy to be here in this court.

That's all.

- What is your role?

- Oh, sorry.

I'm a juror/witness.

- Juror, all right.

And what is your role?

- Wonderful, so yeah, I'm the defense.

(crew laughs)

I'm the defense.

Not much else to say about it.

- All right, all right, all right.

Thank you.

And you over there?

- I'm a juror and a witness.

- Juror, all right.

And what is your role?

- Hi, I'm a juror and a witness.

- All right, and you over here?

- Yeah, I'm the (beep) prosecution.

- [Angela] Oh my god.

- Jason Statham.

- [Amanda] Well-

- That's (beep) right.

- Order.

(gavel squeaks)

Did I just break it?

In British court,

this means that we're also going to all be polite

to each other, but we're also not going to speak

when it's not our turn.

Stepdad sues stepson for not calling him dad.

(Amanda and Courtney gasp)

- Oh no.

- Now we've got our prosecution,

which is you, sir, the stepdad.

And then we've got our defense, our stepson.

That's you?

- Correct.

- Who did not call their stepfather dad.

- Not my real dad.

- We're going to begin first with our opening statements.

We're gonna first start with the prosecutor.

You may begin.

- That's right.

You see his poor stepdad,

he's trying to be there as a father for this kid.

This little brat of a kid, right?

This kid's taking every single move he can

to try to throw this guy off.

This guy who's just trying to step up.

He's trying to be there for the kid's mum, right?

And the kid himself.

He's a great dad.

But he's not gonna call him, he's not gonna call him dad?

It's a title he's earned.

I think the jury can make a clear distinction already.

And what you're gonna hear

from the defense is a bunch of lies.

A bunch of bullshit.

- I'm not the defense.

- I know, but I'm pointing at you

because that's how it's gonna feel, right?

I want you to know how this stepdad feels.

- Yes.

- If he was accused.

- Right.

- Of be something he's not.

- Yes.

- Which he's not.

But what he is is a dad.

- Right.

- All right?

- Yes.

- We agree on that.

All right, very good.

(gavel squeaks)

- No talking.

All right, let's go ahead and move on then to the defense.

The stepson or the representative representing the stepson.

- Right, so I'm not a kid.

I am legally representing myself

because I am a lawyer by profession.

- Oh my god. Oh my god.

- Right, so and it's typical

that my stepdad isn't here right now in court, present.

Oh 'cause he never was.

- I'm gagged right now. Simply gagged.

- No talking.

- This lawyer is here defending this guy

who claims that he's earned his place as dad.

I think that's up for the son to decide, right?

I think it's up for the son to decide because father,

what is a father without a son?

And what is a son without a father?

- Oh my god. I'm simply gagged.

- I know my rights.

And I'm a fan of pronouns and all that.

But I don't have to call you my stepdad.

I don't have to call you my dad if you're my stepdad

because that's what you are.

Facts.

- Facts.

- All right.

- I abstain.

I yield my time.

- Yield. - Wonderful.

All right, thank you so much for sharing, both of you.

We're going to move on now to round two and three

where you each have the option

to present your evidence as well.

We're going to start once again with the prosecution.

- All right, first piece of evidence I've got right here

is engagement ring.

- [Angela] Oh my god.

- That the stepdad gave this boy's mum, right,

proving his commitment to his mum

and a commitment to him as well, right?

'Cause that's what it takes.

- Bloody bollocks.

- Objection. I didn't get a ring.

- Well, why would you-

- Where's the commitment to me?

- [Shayne] That'd be (beep) weird, right?

- Overruled.

Question not to ask when evidence is presented.

- That's (beep) weird, right?

- Where's his ring?

- All right, what we also got here, some evidence.

We've got a banana peel, a turtle shell, SPF 300.

Now what that means is the stepdad took his son out

for some real life "Mario Kart."

- That sounds fun.

- And they had a great time, all right?

Only a true dad would commit to something like that

with his son.

Say, "Hey, we're gonna go get some go-karts.

"We're gonna drive around Mario Circuit.

"We're gonna throw bananas and turtle shells at each other."

They're gonna have a great day, all right?

That's a dad who's committed.

That's a dad.

- That's a dad.

- A shipping container filled with live beetles, right?

We're British.

We love the Beatles.

(Courtney laughs)

- God, this prosecution's on fire.

- I yield my (beep) time.

(Amanda laughs)

- All right, thank you so much for sharing.

We're going to move on then with the defense.

And you also have the option

to present any evidence within your time.

- Yeah, I remember that day

when my stepdad took me on an outing that I didn't ask for.

I have the animal crackers to prove it.

- [Angela] Oh my god.

- I'm not a kid.

These are not yet expired.

I was way too old to be going on that shit.

You know what I also found?

Some false teeth.

What else is fake about this man?

- Objection. Objection.

We're British. We all got false teeth.

- Whoa. Whoa.

- That's where you're wrong.

Our teeth are real and they're bad.

(everyone laughs)

And we like it that way.

- Sustained.

- Prosthetic leg. What else are you hiding?

- No, no, no.

- "What else are you hiding?"

- Fake teeth. Fake leg.

They're all fine.

But you gotta be honest up front about it.

- Objection. His stepdad's a pirate.

That's (beep) awesome.

- My real dad was also a pirate.

- Ooh.

- And I miss him very much.

- What happened to him?

- He's on Davy Jones' locker.

- He's bootstraps tied to his bootstraps.

- He's dead.

- It's a backstory. It's a backstory.

- He's got bootstraps tied to his bootstraps?

- So it might be fair that a son might not be ready

to call a stepdad a real dad, right?

- And that's time.

- [Chanse] Wow.

- For our next round,

we are going to have some witnesses take the stand,

so I'm going to ask our jurors

to please submit one of your witnesses.

- I call forth the butler.

- [Chanse] Whoa.

- The butler.

Please take the stand.

And you may begin questioning your witness now.

- Now you work at the house

with him and his stepdad, correct?

- Yes, yes, yes, I do.

- And you witness the goings ons of their relationship

of being a father and son, don't you?

- Yes, I witness the boy and the man.

- And would you say that this stepdad is a good father?

- Well, yes.

The father takes him out to shoot ducks once in a while,

and he takes him on occasionally to go "Mario Kart" and...

Turtle shell.

Yes, I think that he's doing a pretty well done job

to this young man over here.

- And would you say he's truly a father to him?

- Yes, I think that he's a very good father.

My father wasn't around.

That's why I'm working for these fine people.

Yes, I do think that he was a very good father.

- And is a very good father presently?

- Yes, he's a very good father.

- [Shayne] All right, thank you.

- Is that what I said?

- Yes, yeah, fine, fine.

All right, I yield my time.

That's all I need.

I feel like I've seen enough.

- Wonderful. Thank you.

And now the defense has the option

to cross examine if you'd like.

- All right, Jerry.

- Yes.

- We spend a lot of time together.

- You're a good young lad.

- Many sandwiches.

- Oh yes.

- Down by the bay.

- Marmalade and peanut butter.

- That's right.

(Shayne laughs)

- Yes.

- Objection. We're British.

We don't eat peanut butter.

- Don't peanut butter.

- Jerry.

- My mother was from France.

- Have you ever heard this stepfather call me son?

(somber music)

- I don't recall I have actually,

now that you've asked me this question.

- I yield my time.

- Facts. Facts.

- Objection. He's like fucking 90 years old.

- Overruled.

- I'm 80.

- [Arasha] Your time has been yielded.

- "I'm 80."

(beep)

- All right, we're gonna have one more witness

and that is gonna be selected by the defense.

- I would like to speak to the babysitter.

- Please call the babysitter to the stand.

- Hi, I'm the babysitter.

- So Dad, I mean babysitter.

- You can call me Gladys.

- We've spent a lot of time together, yeah?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, would you say you called me son sometimes?

- I would say I called you son.

You are like a second son to me.

My first son's a disappointment.

- Love to hear it.

So I would say, would you say that it'd be fair

for me to declare you more of a father figure to me

than my stepdad?

- Would you call me dad?

- I almost called you dad just a moment ago.

- That's fair.

We played ball together, and we cared for each other,

and we even cried in front of each other

because a lot of people think men can't cry

in front of each other.

- Lot of information I did not ask for that.

(everyone laughs)

- Oh my god.

- I love you.

- Oh yes, see?

Let the record show this babysitter said I love you

to me long before my stepdad did.

- But I wouldn't expect you to call me dad.

That would be weird, right?

- Well, okay.

I don't know.

Maybe it would be fine, I thought maybe.

- You don't have to call me dad if you don't want to.

(everyone laughs)

- Remove the witness.

Remove the witness, bailiff.

- What have I done?

- It's too murky. It's too murky.

I yield my time.

- It's too murky. It's too murky.

- The prosecution now has the opportunity

to cross examine if you please.

- All right, you've been babysitter

to this little guy for how long now?

- I'm (beep) an adult, mate.

- How old are you?

- I'm 35.

- You don't know that?

- Oh, I (beep) do.

I'm just making sure he knew.

All right, so you were his babysitter for how long?

- 12 years.

- Oh wow.

He needed a babysitter when he was that old?

- Yeah, he just liked someone to hang out with

around the house.

- I have trouble making friends.

- He has trouble making friends.

- And how long has his stepdad been around?

- Oh, about 11 years.

(everyone laughs)

What?

- This timeline's pretty interesting.

Yeah, yeah.

Now I yield my time.

(everyone laughs)

- Do you wanna call me dad too?

- No, thank you.

- [Chanse] Are you sure?

- [Shayne] Don't.

- You can if you want to.

- Given that all this time has been yielded,

we actually have time for our third witness

to come to the stand.

Let us call up the best friend.

- Hello, mate.

- Whoa.

- I'm this bloke's best friend, eh.

Who's gonna ask me questions, eh?

Am I gonna have to ask myself questions?

- Defense can go ahead.

- All right, bestie.

- Hey, bestie.

- Hey, bestie, you know me better than anyone else, right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Who's my dad?

- Not that man.

- And who else is not my dad?

- Huh? What?

- I'm not your dad.

- Objection. He's clearly on drugs.

- Eh, eh, eh.

- [Chanse] Oh.

(Courtney laughs)

- Bestie, bestie, do I need to call someone my dad?

- You're a 35-year-old man, mate.

I don't think you need to do that.

(everyone laughs)

- We're gonna need subtitles on that one.

- I'll tell you something.

No, you don't. No, you don't.

- And that's right, and why?

- 'Cause you're an adult, mate.

- That's right. That's right.

- I don't understand a word you said.

- He's an adult.

- A doe?

- Adult!

- Adult.

- Adult. He's an adult.

- Adult.

- I yield my time. I yield my time.

Jesus Christ.

- And we will give the remainder of the time

to the prosecution

- Cross examine me. Cross examine me.

- [Chanse] No, don't.

- Cross examine me.

- [Chanse] Don't.

- You can also choose not to and they can die.

(everyone laughs)

- Cross examine me!

- I've got some questions.

All right, mate. All right, mate.

- Hey.

- What football club are you a fan of?

- The green one.

- Your honor, I believe this person is a fraud.

I believe they've been hired by the defense

to pretend to be their best friend.

But this person's not even British.

The green one?

What (beep) football club is that?

- The butler's eating peanut butler.

He ain't that good of a Brit either.

- Could just be cultured.

- Yes, and...

(everyone laughs)

- No, 'cause I'm not his best friend.

I'm his real dad.

- Oh!

- I don't know.

- Papa, papa.

- I'm sorry, they just ran their hand across their face

and said-

- I'm his real dad.

- What're you doing here?

- Because I love you, mate.

And there's no reason for you to call the prosecution dad

'cause I'm your dad.

I don't know.

(everyone laughs)

- That's time.

- [Chanse] That's time.

(crew laughs)

- All right.

- This is clearly an actor.

- Let's finish then with our closing statements.

We're going to start again with the prosecution.

- All right, look, there's been a lot of shenanigans here.

I don't fully trust any of these witnesses.

I don't trust any of this charade

that this kid's been putting on, all right?

And look, this stepdad is your dad

because he has been there for you.

And I can say that because I am your dad,

and I've been gone a long time as a pirate lawyer.

Being a lawyer for other pirates,

representing them in pirate court.

I'm sorry.

No, this is not his dad.

I know that 'cause look, that's a kid.

That's a (beep) kid.

- This is like "Mama Mia."

Who's your dad?

(Courtney laughs)

- Listen to me. I'm your real dad.

But this guy, he's the dad who stepped up,

and he's been there for you while I've been gone.

He's your real dad.

- So the lawyer's your dad?

- That's time.

All right, and the closing statements

from the defense please.

- Listen, I'm a ragtag boy, I'm a rebel.

I don't wanna call anybody my dad

if I don't wanna call him my dad.

- Are you (beep) rapping?

- I listen to rock pop, pop punk music.

(Angela beatboxes)

♪ I wear leather jackets and denim ♪

♪ And I won't let him ♪

♪ Make me call him stepdad a dad, a dad ♪

♪ Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad ♪

I was not rapping.

That was just me speaking.

- [Amanda] Excellent.

- Good Christ.

- Let the record show that I'm a boss.

(crew laughs)

And I will not be told what to do when I'm my own boss.

- The Queen is looking up, shaking her head right now.

- You can't fire me.

You can't kill me.

I'm invincible.

(Shayne laughs)

- He's a boss.

- "She's looking up."

She's going, "Goddammit" from hell.

- He's a boss.

- Your honor, I have the most swag in this entire courtroom.

(crew laughs)

- Besides me, mate.

I'll stop inserting myself.

(Courtney laughs)

- That is time.

We are going to now collect the votes.

If the jurors can deliberate.

They've got 90 seconds.

- So not guilty means he wins.

- Yeah, that's right.

- After much consideration in talking to my friends,

I'm going to say not guilty.

- All right, that's one not guilty.

Over here?

- I'm going to say guilty.

- Guilty.

We've got one not guilty and one guilty.

That remains up to you then what the final verdict is.

- Where's his ring?

Not guilty.

- Come on.

(beep)

- If the glove don't fit.

(gavel squeaks)

- [Arasha] Not guilty.

- [Amanda] That's right.

- I'm a ragtag boy. I'm a rebel.

- Hey, ragtag boy. He's a rebel.

- I wear a leather jacket and denim.

I never let him call me son, none.

(gavel bangs)

- Court adjourned.

- "Court adjourned."

(everyone laughs)

- Court adjoined.

- Court adjoined.

- If you guys like this game, let us know in the comments

and let us know fake cases that we can debate

in the comments.

Set us up for glory.

- Give us your Spud Hut orders.

- Yes!

- Let us know in the comments.

- Spud Hut orders in before we close.

- Let's fricking go!

- Let's fucking go!

- Thank you for the person who suggested we play this game.

We see you.

- Yeah. Court dismissed.