5 Tips to Make Assertive Communication Easier and More Effective

Summary

This episode focuses on learning assertive communication—a skill that involves expressing needs and feelings clearly and respectfully. It offers five tips: recognize and name your feelings, identify the underlying needs, practice with low-stakes situations, be mindful of body language and tone, and speak up early before issues escalate. The episode emphasizes that assertive communication is not innate but a learned behavior that requires practice. Although it doesn’t guarantee getting what you want, it helps build healthier relationships by ensuring both parties' needs are acknowledged.

Takeaways

• 😀 Assertive communication is the healthiest form of communication, balancing respect for both personal feelings and others' needs.
• 🧐 Assertive communication is a learned skill that requires practice, and it can be scary because it involves asking for what we need, which can be met with rejection or indifference.
• 💬 Expressing feelings clearly without making judgments about others helps avoid misunderstandings. For example, instead of saying 'I feel like you hate me,' say 'I feel anxious when you don't call.'
• 🎯 Naming actual feelings and needs can help reduce conflict, as people are less likely to argue against someone's internal emotions.
• 🔍 Recognizing the underlying needs behind surface desires is essential. For example, asking for more texts in a relationship may really be about needing more security.
• 💪 Start practicing assertive communication in low-stakes situations, such as asking for a small favor, to build confidence for more difficult conversations.
• 🧍 Body language and tone matter. Assertive language combined with aggressive posture or a timid tone can send the wrong message.
• 🧠 Emotional awareness is key to effective communication, as heightened emotions can reduce our ability to think rationally and make clear decisions.
• 🚪 Address problematic behavior or unmet needs early on before they become regular issues, as this makes it easier to resolve situations.
• 🤝 Assertive communication doesn’t guarantee getting everything we want, but it increases the likelihood of meeting core needs in a healthy relationship.

Q & A

What is assertive communication?

Assertive communication is expressing feelings and needs clearly and honestly while respecting the feelings and needs of others.

How does assertive communication differ from passive and aggressive communication?

Passive communication involves not expressing one's needs (like being a doormat), while aggressive communication involves dominating others (like treating them as a doormat). Assertive communication is about mutual respect, where no one is a doormat.

Why is assertive communication considered a learned skill?

Assertive communication doesn't come naturally to anyone. It is a learned skill that requires practice and can be challenging due to fear of rejection or discomfort in expressing needs.

What are the five tips for practicing assertive communication?

The five tips include: 1) Recognizing and naming your feelings, 2) Identifying your true needs, 3) Starting with low-stakes situations, 4) Being aware of body language and tone, and 5) Speaking up early when something is problematic.

How can you differentiate between feelings and judgments when communicating?

Feelings are internal emotions, while judgments involve evaluations of others' behaviors. For example, instead of saying, 'I feel disrespected,' express the feeling behind it, like 'I feel anxious' or 'I feel lonely.'

Why is it important to identify the need behind the need?

Sometimes what we think we need is just a surface-level issue. For example, asking for help with chores might actually stem from needing a more equal partnership. Identifying the root need can lead to better, long-term solutions.

Why should you start with low-stakes situations when practicing assertive communication?

Starting with low-stakes situations, such as asking a friend to lower music or requesting extra whipped cream, helps build confidence and communication skills for more difficult situations.

How does body language and tone affect assertive communication?

Body language and tone play a significant role. Assertive language with the wrong body language (e.g., standing over someone or using a timid tone) can come across as either aggressive or passive, undermining effective communication.

Why is it important to speak up about problematic situations early?

Addressing issues early prevents them from becoming habitual and harder to change. If harmful behavior or unmet needs continue without being addressed, they may worsen or create imbalanced relationship dynamics.

Does assertive communication guarantee getting what you want?

No, assertive communication doesn't guarantee getting everything you want. However, in healthy relationships, it ensures your needs are respected, even if compromises are made.