Does Money Actually Buy Happiness? A Psychiatrist Explains
Summary
TLDRThis script explores the complex relationship between money and happiness. It discusses how up to an annual income of around $100K-$150K, money can indeed buy happiness by providing security and reducing stress. However, beyond this point, happiness plateaus and doesn't increase with more wealth. The speaker also highlights the importance of savoring experiences over possessions and using money to help others rather than focusing solely on material gains. Drawing parallels with monks, who prioritize savoring and contentment, the script argues that happiness is more about how you live and what you do with your life choices, rather than the choices themselves.
Takeaways
- ๐ซ Eating chocolate mindfully can increase happiness, whereas focusing on its cost can reduce enjoyment.
- ๐ฐ There's a debate on whether money can buy happiness, with research suggesting a sweet spot between $100K to $150K per year for happiness.
- ๐งโโ๏ธ Monks and spiritual practitioners often find happiness not through material wealth but through the practice of letting go of possessions.
- ๐ค The pursuit of money versus the pursuit of happiness is a complex dilemma that many people face, with different paths leading to different outcomes.
- ๐ฌ Research from Yale's happiness course suggests that beyond a certain income level, money doesn't correlate with increased happiness.
- ๐๏ธโโ๏ธ The decision between choosing a passion or a lucrative career path is a personal one and can greatly impact one's happiness.
- ๐ค Spending money on others tends to bring more happiness than spending it on oneself, highlighting the value of altruism.
- ๐ฎ Experiences, whether ordinary or extraordinary, provide similar levels of happiness, suggesting that savoring the moment is key.
- ๐๏ธ Spending money on experiences like visiting a museum tends to be more fulfilling than spending on material possessions.
- ๐ The physiological effects of stress, such as increased cortisol levels, can significantly reduce happiness and affect overall well-being.
- ๐ง The mind's tendency to worry about future expenses can prevent enjoyment of the present, illustrating the link between financial security and happiness.
Q & A
What is the relationship between money and happiness according to the script?
-The script suggests that money can buy happiness up to a certain point, specifically around an annual income of $100,000 to $150,000, after which it doesn't correlate with increased happiness.
What is the role of savoring in experiencing happiness?
-Savoring is the ability to enhance or extend a positive experience, and it's directly related to happiness. The more one can savor experiences, the happier they tend to be.
How does the script relate the concept of savoring to the enjoyment of simple things like a cup of tea?
-The script uses the example of monks savoring a simple cup of tea to illustrate that happiness comes from the act of savoring, even in seemingly neutral or negative experiences.
What does the script suggest about the impact of stress on happiness?
-The script explains that stress, caused by factors like financial worries, can increase sensitivity to stimuli, affect sleep, and generally make it difficult to be happy.
How does the script compare the happiness derived from material possessions to experiences?
-The script states that spending money on experiences, rather than material possessions, generally leads to more happiness.
What does the script suggest about the happiness gained from spending money on others versus oneself?
-The script indicates that spending money on other people tends to bring more happiness than spending it on oneself.
What is the significance of the 'magic number' of $100,000 to $150,000 mentioned in the script in relation to happiness?
-This 'magic number' represents an income level that provides a sense of security and can reduce stress, which in turn can increase happiness.
How does the script view the idea of choosing a career for money versus following a passion?
-The script implies that the choice between a career for money or passion is not as critical as how one experiences their chosen path, as happiness comes from savoring and prioritizing experiences.
What is the script's stance on the belief that happiness comes from external factors?
-The script argues against the belief that external factors like money or the 'perfect partner' are the sources of happiness, stating that happiness is internal and comes from how one lives and experiences life.
How does the script explain the concept of savoring in the context of gaming?
-The script suggests that gaming is harder to savor because the enjoyment ends when the game ends, unlike experiences like visiting a museum which are easier to savor.
What is the script's advice for achieving happiness?
-The script advises prioritizing security, learning to savor, valuing experiences over possessions, and spending money on others as ways to achieve happiness.
Outlines
๐ซ The Paradox of Money and Happiness
The paragraph discusses the complex relationship between money and happiness. It starts by illustrating how enjoying an expensive chocolate can bring happiness, but knowing its cost or paying for it can reduce that joy. The age-old debate of whether money can buy happiness is explored, with reference to a Yale happiness course and research suggesting an income of $100K-$150K can correlate with happiness up to a point. Beyond that, money doesn't increase happiness. The narrative contrasts this with spiritual traditions like monks, who seek happiness not through material wealth but through disacquiring money and possessions. This leads to a dilemma: should one pursue money or follow a more monastic path to happiness? The script also touches on the stress of deciding between a lucrative career and one driven by passion, and how these decisions relate to happiness.
๐ค The Impact of Stress on Happiness
This paragraph delves into the physiological effects of stress on the body and mind, particularly the role of cortisol. Stress triggers the release of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, which can lead to heightened sensitivity to stimuli, disrupted sleep, and increased pain sensitivity. It explains how chronic stress, such as financial worries, can keep cortisol levels high, making it difficult to achieve deep, restful sleep and maintain a positive outlook. The paragraph emphasizes that stress not only prevents us from enjoying the present but also exacerbates conditions like autoimmune diseases. It concludes by linking stress to a decrease in happiness, suggesting that reducing stress is key to achieving happiness.
๐ฐ The Role of Money in Providing Security and Happiness
The third paragraph examines how a certain level of income, around $100K-$150K, provides a sense of security that can contribute to happiness by reducing stress and cortisol levels. It argues that this income range allows for basic needs to be met, such as paying bills, affording food, and enjoying some leisure activities, without excessive worry. The paragraph also draws a comparison to monks, who despite having little to no money, experience happiness and security because their basic needs are often met through donations and community support. The key takeaway is that both happiness research and the monastic lifestyle converge on the idea that security, rather than wealth, is the true aim of money in relation to happiness.
๐ The Art of Savoring and Its Influence on Happiness
This paragraph introduces the concept of savoring, which is the ability to enhance or prolong positive experiences, as a key component of happiness. It discusses how money can both facilitate and hinder savoring. For instance, enjoying an expensive chocolate is more satisfying when one is not preoccupied with its cost. The text also presents research findings that spending money on experiences rather than possessions leads to greater happiness. Furthermore, it suggests that savoring ordinary experiences can be as rewarding as savoring extraordinary ones and that spending money on others brings more happiness than spending it on oneself. The paragraph aligns these findings with the monastic practice of finding contentment and happiness in simplicity and the present moment.
๐งโโ๏ธ The Monk's Savoring Skill and Its Relevance to Daily Life
The fifth paragraph highlights the skill of savoring as a critical aspect of happiness, drawing a parallel between the monk's ability to find joy in simple experiences and the potential for anyone to cultivate this skill. It emphasizes that happiness is not derived from the choice itself but from how one experiences life post-decision. The paragraph suggests that even in jobs or careers that are not initially enjoyable, learning to savor positive aspects can lead to increased happiness. It also touches on the societal misconception that external choices, such as the perfect partner or job, will guarantee happiness, contrasting this with the idea that happiness is an internal state cultivated through savoring and experiencing life fully.
๐ฎ Savoring in Gaming and the Myth of External Happiness
The final paragraph discusses the challenge of savoring experiences in gaming compared to more traditional experiences like visiting a museum. It argues that while gaming can be enjoyable, it is often harder to savor because the activity is designed to be immediately engaging with little downtime for reflection. The text encourages gamers to savor their experiences by taking breaks to reflect on the enjoyment they had, which can lead to a deeper appreciation and longer-lasting happiness. The paragraph concludes by reiterating that happiness is not found in external objects or achievements but in one's ability to savor and appreciate experiences, whether in gaming or other aspects of life.
Mindmap
Keywords
๐กHappiness
๐กMoney
๐กSecurity
๐กSavoring
๐กStress
๐กMonks
๐กMeditation
๐กExperiences vs. Possessions
๐กAltruism
๐กCortisol
Highlights
Eating chocolate mindfully can increase happiness, but knowing its cost or paying for it can reduce happiness.
There's a debate on whether money can buy happiness, with research suggesting a sweet spot between $100K to $150K per year for happiness.
Monks and yogis achieve happiness not through wealth but through the practice of letting go of material possessions.
The pursuit of money versus spiritual practices like monkhood presents a dilemma for achieving happiness.
Research from Yale's happiness course suggests an income of $100K can correlate with happiness due to financial security.
Monks experience happiness through security provided by their lifestyle, not from wealth accumulation.
Stress has a negative impact on our body and mind, affecting sleep, sensitivity to stimuli, and overall happiness.
Cortisol, a hormone released during stress, sacrifices long-term health for short-term survival and can be detrimental if chronically present.
Financial security provided by an income around $100K to $150K can reduce stress and increase happiness by alleviating worries over basic needs.
Monks achieve a sense of security through their community and lifestyle, which allows them to be happy without wealth.
Savoring, or the ability to enhance and extend positive experiences, is a key component of happiness.
Money can hinder savoring if the focus is on its value rather than the experience itself, as seen with the chocolate example.
Spending money on experiences rather than possessions leads to greater happiness.
Ordinary experiences can provide as much happiness as extraordinary ones, emphasizing the importance of savoring.
Spending money on others brings more happiness than spending it on oneself, highlighting the value of altruism.
Monks exemplify savoring through simple pleasures, like a cup of tea, which aligns with happiness research findings.
The key to happiness is not the choice itself but how one experiences life after making a choice.
Happiness is not found in objects or achievements but in the savoring of experiences they bring.
Society often seeks happiness in external validation like material possessions or achievements, rather than internal experiences.
The happiness derived from work or relationships is not from the choice of job or partner, but from how one engages with them.
Prioritizing experiences over possessions, ensuring financial security, and spending money on others are ways to increase happiness.
Transcripts
so people would give someone like a nice
expensive chocolate and they'd ask them
to eat the chocolate and what we sort of
found is that if you eat the chocolate
just by itself and you really sit down
and you enjoy it it actually like brings
you a lot of Happiness if you tell
people how much the chocolate costs or
especially if they have to pay for it it
reduces the happiness so a lot of people
wonder whether money buys happiness or
not right there's kind of this age-old
debate of does money buy happiness and
there's even been some research on this
stuff right where people are kind of
like uh I think there was a very famous
there's a very famous like happiness
course at Yale that cites some of these
studies that essentially what
psychologists who look at happiness have
discovered is that if you make like
between 100 and 150k a year I think the
number was 100K but I think there's been
inflation that money does buy happiness
but up to a certain point and that
Beyond a certain point of money we it
actually doesn't correlate with
increased happiness at all and so we
sort of know right now based on this
like new scientific research that does
to a certain degree money buys happiness
but on the flip side we also know that
there are these like spiritual
Traditions with people like monks right
and yogis and these are people that will
sort of say like yeah you know these are
like these are the people that their job
is to try to become happy like that's
what enlightenment is right it's this
like mythical state of like permanent
happiness Nirvana Bliss and they
cultivate that state and apparently the
way that you do that is not by acquiring
money but actually by disacquiring money
by actively getting rid of all of your
stuff so we have these monks who are
sitting there meditating all the time
and they're apparently the ones that are
like the closest to becoming perfectly
happy and so then we're kind of stuck
right because it's like okay so wait
hold on a second but which one should I
do like I want to be happy in life so
what do I do do I grind for money do I
try to make a hundred thousand dollars a
year do I make 150 000 a year or do I
become like a monk like should I learn
how to settle right so should I learn to
like be happy with what I have or should
I try to get more and if you say I
should be like a monk but whole hold on
a second because there's all these
researchers that say I need to make 100
to 150k a year they say that that's
what's going to make me happy so we
don't know right we don't know like
should I chase money or should I not
chase money I want to be happy but which
one is it and then then we run into this
other problem which is that okay if we
decide that all right so let's say we're
going to listen to the Yale researchers
right because it's Yale and they're
brilliant and they say 100K a year Okay
cool so then the question is all right
so if I need to make 100K a year to be
happy should I major in something that
makes me miserable so that I can get
make money because that's what everyone
tells me to do and then we enter into
this other debate which is like passion
or do I major in stem do you like become
an artist and do I make like video games
or board games or do I like get a job
that provides like security and money
like do I major in computer science or
electrical engineering or chemical
engineering so which is it right so okay
hold on a second so if you're saying
that I need 100K to be happy let me live
let me major in something that's going
to get me a good job and once I have
lots of money I'll be happy right so
then that you sort of go down that path
but people don't seem happy doing that
and now you're kind of confused because
then you like kind of go back to the
monk thing and it's like okay as I if
I'm studying in engineering should I
change Majors or should I push through
it right and eventually happiness will
come so we all get tangled up around
this business of okay should I try to be
a monk or should I grind to become happy
should I make lots of money and then
like that'll kind of buy me happiness
like which one which one should I do and
the interesting thing is that I don't
think that these two paths are actually
different at all in fact I think what
I'd love to share with you all today is
as we understand the nature of happiness
stress we understand what money does for
us and what it doesn't do for us and
furthermore once we understand what
monks actually do when they meditate
what we'll actually discover is that
this problem of okay should I major in
something that I dislike should I pick a
career because it makes me money or
should I do what I love should I go the
monk route and move away from material
possessions or should I try to make a
bunch of money because that'll make me
happy what we'll actually discover is
that it's neither or they're both
they're all the same there's actually
One path there's actually no discrepancy
or disagreement between the Monk and the
happiness researchers so let's start by
understanding a little bit around about
stress so the first thing that we've got
to understand is that when we're
stressed out it has all kinds of
different effects on our body and our
mind so we know that when we're stressed
out our body will secrete different
kinds of hormones or chemicals right so
we'll release things like adrenaline
we'll release things like cortisol and
what cortisol does to our body and our
brain is quite diverse so it'll do
things like make us more sensitive to
stimuli so this is a huge thing that
cortisol does so for example cortisol
travels to this part of our brain called
the reticular activating formation which
governs how we sleep and How Deeply we
sleep and it basically activates some so
that smaller noises will wake us up okay
so like when we have cortisol in our
system our sleep is light we don't get
deep restful sleep but it's not just
that kind of stimulus that it makes us
sensitive to cortisol also increases the
sensitivity of our pain receptors so
things will hurt more when we're in a
high stressful State emotions will hurt
more physical injuries will hurt more we
also know that for example autoimmune
conditions like eczema asthma psoriasis
arthritis all of these things will flare
up and will become more active when we
are stressed out we also know that
cortisol for example makes a lot of our
input so our eyes our ears things like
that a lot of our sensory organs will
become hypersensitive as well because
the goal of cortisol is not to Keep Us
Alive for the moment it's to help us
stay alive over 24 or 48 hour period so
the classic example of when cortisol is
released is if I run into let's say a
tiger in the woods and then I run away
from the tiger that's usually governed
by adrenaline but once I get away from
the tiger for a long period of time I
need to stay alert and that's
essentially what cortisol does and what
cortisol does is sacrifices long-term
health for short-term survival so now we
live in a society where cortisol can
almost be like constantly flowing
through our system because in the past
when we were hunter-gatherers it wasn't
that big of a deal because you know we'd
run into a tiger every now and then but
now what's happening is like when when
the first of the month rolls around and
I pay my rent I'm already worrying about
how to pay my rent at the end of the
month so I'm in this constant stress
State as I increase this amount of
stress I start to worry more I become
sensitive to negative stimuli I have
difficulty sleeping I kind of feel bad
so this is what stress does to us it
makes it very hard to be happy when
we're in a stressful State because I'm
not sleeping I'm sensing of the pain
stimuli I'm worrying all the time the
mind of someone who has a bunch of
cortisol in their system is also looking
into the future so I can't enjoy the
present right I just paid my rent on the
first of the month and I'm already
worrying about the 30th of the month how
am I going to make my rent next month so
I can't even enjoy the 29 days that I
have to pay rent so we start to see that
from a physiologic and psychologic
standpoint stress and a lack of
Happiness are correlated so what does
that have to do with our discussion
aren't we talking about money and
happiness well let's try to understand
what a 100K buys us or what 150k buys us
because we know that this seems to be
the magic number and if you think about
what 100 to 150k buys you that 200k 300K
or 400k don't or that 50k 60k or 70k
don't right why is this number magical
the number is magical because that
amount of money buys us security so I
don't have to worry about paying my rent
usually if I get sick I can afford to
pay my bills I can afford food if my car
breaks down I can probably probably get
it fixed I may be able to travel some I
may be able to do some amount of
enjoyment I may be able to do some kind
of recreation I'm allowed to have sort
of recreational experiences at 100 to
150k so if we really look at what's
magical about that number what it really
provides for us is security what it
really does is that's the amount of
money that we need to lower our cortisol
levels right because now I'm not
stressed about making unless I'm
overextended and stuff like that and you
all may know people who make 150k who
are stressed out of their minds because
they're they're the you know they live
like multi-millionaires when they only
make 100K so you can absolutely get into
that situation but it turns out that
with the happiness researchers
discovered essentially was that this
amount of money provides security and so
now let's think about the monks for a
second right because I mean they're not
like you know what's their deal like
they don't have any money they certainly
don't have 100K they don't have 150k but
they seem to be pretty happy and pretty
chill so now I'm going to ask you all
the question do monks have security does
a monk need to worry about whether
they're sleeping at night does a monk
need to worry about where their next
meal is coming from does their monk need
to worry about getting promoted does a
monk need to worry about politics with
their boss maybe right depending on
where you're among but so this is what's
really interesting is we we sort of say
that monks are not materialistic but
what we also actually see is that monks
are actually very secure in their
day-to-day life for the most part like
people pay for their food through
donations they're like housing is
generally like accommodate most monks
don't have to worry about paying rent at
the end of the month there's usually
some kind of charitable organization or
something like that where like monks
will have you know they'll get medical
care and things like that like I I
haven't seen you know I've never seen a
GoFundMe from a monk trying to pay
medical bills you'll see GoFundMe for
from people all the time especially in
the United States but it's not like
monks are out there you know struggling
to make ends meet now some of them will
choose to be uh you know like poor and
essentially we'll take vows of poverty
and we'll then we'll also rely on the
charity of others but if you kind of
think about how can that develop as a
tradition how can I choose being broke
as a way of life because that's what the
monks do they're like my way of life is
I ain't gonna do [ย __ย ] and they're still
alive after 10 years 20 years 30 years
how is that it's because they actually
have their security provided for them
it's the first thing to understand is
that the happiness research in the monks
actually agree that the purpose of money
is security when it comes to happiness
the second thing to understand is that
if we look at happiness there's a
difference between gaining happiness and
losing happiness and especially with
what insecurity does is it takes
happiness away it doesn't give you
happiness but it makes it so that if you
have some amount of Happiness let's say
I have 50 units of happiness but then I
can't pay my rent at the month at the
end of the month I lose 30 units of
Happiness that's what stress does to us
it takes our happiness away it doesn't
directly give it to us so this is the
first thing right is now that we kind of
look at this once we understand how
stress Works once we understand what
money actually does for happiness and
even when we look at monks we start to
discover that actually all of these
things are aligned the purpose of money
in in terms of how much it deals with
happiness is essentially security now
even if we know that it still doesn't
really answer our original question
right because our original question is
like should I major and establish should
I become a stem person like electrical
engineering or like lawyer or whatever
or should I do what I love it doesn't
help us even this amount of information
doesn't help us make the choice which
one should I do because if you're saying
they're actually consistent I still
don't know how to pick and that's why
thankfully there's like way more
research on happiness this I'm going to
share with you all a little bit more so
the first thing it appears that a lot of
happiness correlates with something
called savoring so savoring is the
ability to enhance or extend a positive
emotional experience I take some issue
with the word emotional there but a
positive experience we know what it
means to savor something right but
essentially what happens is the more
that you're able to savor things the
more happy you are and we also know that
for example money can negatively impact
savoring so if I buy there's literally
people that studies on this right so
there's a causative this is a causative
study by the way not correlation which
is a huge difference so people would
give someone like a nice expensive
chocolate and they'd ask them to eat the
chocolate and what we sort of found is
that if you eat the chocolate just by
itself and you really sit down and you
enjoy it it actually like brings you a
lot of Happiness if you tell people how
much the chocolate costs or especially
if they have to pay for it it reduces
the happiness now this is a really
important finding okay because what this
means is that if I'm rich and I buy
something nice and I think about how
much I paid for it it will actually
reduce the quality of savoring this is
what in in scientific research is called
kind of the Dual nature of money and
happiness which is that money will allow
you for certain possessions and things
like that we'll get to that in a second
but the more that you think about money
the less you're actually able to savor
things and so this is a really important
thing to understand is when we're really
talking about what is happiness we're
sort of really zeroing on on this
quality of savoring there are a couple
of other really interesting things that
we discovered from happiness research
the first is that spending money on
experiences is worth more than spending
money on possessions okay so like if you
have some amount of Happiness doing
stuff with it as opposed to getting
stuff with it will actually make you
more happy so let's say taking trips or
like going white water rafting or going
to a museum like paying tickets for a
museum is worth more happiness than
let's say a micro transaction in a video
game so getting more stuff and being
able to do things doing stuff is
actually worth more happiness than
getting stuff second really interesting
thing is that savoring experiences that
are ordinary or extraordinary leads to
about the same amount of Happiness so
that sort of means is that it's not like
a 15 cup of coffee is more enjoyable
than a five dollar cup of coffee or a
three dollar cup of coffee or a ten
dollar cup of coffee the experiences
that we go through you don't have to
visit the best museum in the world you
can just visit a decent Museum that sort
of prioritizing experience is important
but it's not like extraordinary
experiences are worth more than ordinary
experiences so I can go climb to the top
of Mount Everest which maybe that's an
experience but or I can hike for an hour
and that's a certain degree that there's
a lot of happiness in both of those so
it's not like the fancier stuff that
gets posted on social media with the
really epic Vistas in the tallest
mountain in the world is is better than
the second tallest mountain in the world
like if you climb to the top of any
mountain and you look out it's going to
be really enjoyable so it's not like the
extraordinary is actually greater than
the Ordinary second really and really
interesting thing third thing that's
also kind of novel from happiness
research is that generally speaking
spending money on other people brings
more happiness than spending money on
yourself so this is kind of interesting
as well so we see it like a lot of the
value of altruism whereas like if I work
hard and I give something to another
human being that actually makes me
happier than having stuff myself and so
if we look at some of these novel
discoveries about the nature of money
and happiness we discover a lot of
things that are also actually very
consistent with monks so the first is
that a monk can Savor a simple cup of
tea right like especially if you go to
like with this monasteries and stuff
they'll have like
um you know barley tea or green tea or
something like that and they'll sit
there and they'll like enjoy like a
simple cup of tea and it's in the
enjoyment of the simple thing the ACT
that's really where the happiness comes
from and that's really what monks train
to do right right because if you think
about okay what is meditation if you
look at like these Zen Masters being a
monk is a formal training in savoring
being a monk is a formal training and
extracting as much happiness as we can
out of any experience and so the cool
thing about being a monk is the more you
level up your savoring skill the more
that you are able to actually extract
positive enjoyment out of even seemingly
neutral or negative experiences and
that's really where the monk training is
is really valuable but as we end up
discovering you know now we get a little
bit closer to the answer to our question
which is a lot of people will say like
okay so should I should I go down this
career path even if it doesn't make me
happy because I'll get money because
money buys happiness right up to a
certain point well no that's not really
how it works money provides Security
money also gives us the opportunity to
create experiences money gives us to a
certain degree the ability to help
others which will make us happy so
that's what money does but the basic
problem is that we think that the Choi
is what's going to make us happy right
because that's what really screws us it
was like should I pick a or should I
pick B and the real lesson to take away
from all this stuff is that the choice
is not what brings the happiness it's
the way that we experience the choice
that brings happiness so it's not about
picking the right major it's how do you
live your life with a particular major
right so even if I pick a major that I
don't like and I work in a way that you
know I don't find it doesn't really
attract me but I can still enjoy lots of
things about it right so I've had this
experience myself where like you know
you can still really enjoy a cup of
coffee in the morning even if you hate
your job and you can really enjoy the
feeling of relief when you're done with
your job that you hate and then the
other really wild thing is that even
parts of your job once you learn how to
savor there are parts of your job that
you used to dislike which you can start
to like so what we actually discover is
that like the monks and all the
happiness we search are actually
perfectly aligned and I think the best
example of this that I'll leave y'all
with actually comes from the world of
dating so right now everyone is out
there they're looking for the perfect
partner and that was the promise of the
dating apps right is that you tell us
exactly what you want and we will find
it for you we will look amongst all
these billions of people on the planet
you give us a checklist of everything
that you're looking for and we'll match
you with the perfect person because
that's what's going to lead to happiness
right it's getting everything that you
want whereas I come from a culture that
it traditionally has arranged marriages
and if you kind of think about it having
an arranged marriage you don't get to
pick [ย __ย ] you don't get to pick any of
it someone else picked it for you and so
if picking what we want is the way that
we get happiness then it should follow
that everyone who does online dating
should be perfectly happy and that no
one who has an arranged marriage will
ever be happy right because they have no
choice because the choice is what
determines the happiness but what we
actually discover is that if you look at
arranged marriages it's people who
change their experience within the
marriage it's not the choice itself it's
how they live in the marriage it's how
they learn to love someone it's how they
learn to accept someone it's how the
other person learns to love and accept
them that you can have incredibly happy
marriages so the pro problem that we
face when we're trying to think okay
should I do a or should I do B which one
will make me happy first of all there's
no there's no dispute between the
happiness researchers and the monks we
all actually agree that you need some
amount of security and then the rest of
it is determined by how you live your
life that you prioritize experiences
over possessions that you try to use
your money to help other people as
opposed to yourself but you need to be
able to have the money to help other
people and still pay your rent and the
more that you you begin to realize that
then you'll start to realize that it's
not the choice that brings happiness
it's what you do with it it's how you
live after it's how you learn how to
savor whatever comes after the choice
that will ultimately bring you the
happiness oh yes people are asking love
can be learned 100 so if you want to
understand why there's so little love in
the world it's because we forgot that
learn love is a skill that you can learn
and we assumed that it was something
that was pre-packaged perfectly formed
and then you go find it so this is like
we're like a society who thinks that
chairs can be found on the street
instead of being built and now we're
wandering around the whole society is
wandering around looking for chairs
because in your household there were
chairs so he stopped learning how to
love and instead we started looking for
it so Dr K confused about picking
between Pro gaming and CS major what
should I do so I can't tell if you're
trolling or not but let's assume that's
a serious question because that's a
common concern for a lot of people
trying to think about sincere interest
in Pro gaming so I'm going to share
something okay don't read too much into
it I've worked with about seven or eight
Esports teams let's say and sometimes
what happens after a team has trouble is
they think about should I switch this
player out or not should we find a new
new player they think which is the right
choice should we stick with what we have
or should we find a new player and
that's where like my answer to them is
there isn't a right choice or a wrong
choice it's that whatever you pick is
going to require work all that's
different is the kind of work that it's
going to take after your choice see we
think that making the right choice
creates the right result but it's not
the choice that that creates the result
it's what you do after the choice so
I'll say this a lot also like in in
medical school where people are like
okay well I love surgery and I love
Psychiatry which one should I pick which
one will make me happier and that's
where I think people are losing the
point they're like thinking like if I
pick something it'll make me happy and
that's why those people wind up unhappy
because they think that the happiness
comes from the choice it's created
afterward and as long as you think that
a particular thing is going to make me
you happy and you strive for that thing
and then you get it and then what
happens those people aren't happy you'll
get that this is why people who look for
happiness outside of themselves never
find it and I don't mean that in like a
here's my spiritual tweet for the day I
mean like literally think about it right
if I think that because they think that
happiness is just like something that
you acquire right it's like you open a
treasure chest and Boop here's the
happiness I found it now I'm good it
doesn't work like that it's created this
is why the research on savoring is so
important what we discover is that
prioritizing experiences and learning
how to savor is actually what we leads
to happiness and so you can go and this
is what we end up with right like I want
this thing this thing will make me happy
and you get that thing makes you happy
for like a day then you want something
else you're so excited to play this
video game this video game is so great
so great oh my God it's so much fun and
then you finish and then what how long
does the happiness from the video game
last if video games actually made people
happy the industry would be dead we
wouldn't need any more because we'd be
done so this is what it means it's not
like some profound like oh like
happiness comes from women like
literally it's not like some weird
spiritual metaphor it's like you can eat
as many [ย __ย ] cookies as you want to
in life you can eat a cookie today
you're gonna want one tomorrow you can
eat one tomorrow you're gonna want one
the next day you get tired for them for
a little while then you'll want
something else and then you're gonna eat
that and you'll be happy for a little
while and then a month later you're
gonna want a cookie again this is not
some profound spiritual realization this
is just like just pay attention to
yourself for like all of five minutes
and you will discover this that the
happiness doesn't come from the object
itself it comes from your experience of
the object so should you major in CS or
should you become a pro gamer that
depends on how you live your life after
after making the decision there isn't a
right decision or a wrong decision
should I take job a or should I take job
B well job a has these benefits and
these weaknesses job B has these
benefits and these weaknesses so whether
you're happy or not is not which job you
choose it's which way are you going to
play the game after you pick a job am I
going to take advantage of a b and c and
am I going to supplement and deal with d
e and f that are the weaknesses if the
answer is yes you will be happy in your
job so what we've done is a society of
we have seeded control of our happiness
to the outside world we've given up
we've given up on our relationships
because finding the right person I met
the one it's the search for the one
which implies that the happiness from
the relationship comes from the other
person and boy when we surrendered our
happiness in a relationship to the other
person that's when we get [ย __ย ] because
they're responsible for it now and
whether we become happy or not depends
on their behavior we lose control of Our
Lives same thing is happening in work
this job will make me happy as soon as
as I get to the end of the rainbow I
will be happy and then you're not happy
so what do you do you go find another
rainbow and then you grind towards the
end of it and then you're not happy for
long enough so you look for another
rainbow this promotion next promotion
next promotion 50 Grand more 100 Grand
more 200 Grand more that'll be happy
right and all y'all are like if you
don't make go 200 Grand a year 300 Grand
a year like of course that'll make me
happy think about all the crap I'll be
able to do it there's research that says
that after 150k it doesn't do anything
we've seated control of our happiness to
the outside world and boy has the
outside world loved taking it from us
right oh yeah
yeah I'm gonna make you happy yeah you
want happiness I can give you happiness
5.99 this DLC 2.99 this micro
transaction you need more lives on this
level of jelly whatever crunch 99 Cents
I'll give you I'll make you happy just
just give me a dollar give me two give
me five give me ten give me a hundred
give me a thousand I want to be happy I
need I need a a diamond in order to be
happy in this relationship I need a
diamond that's worth fifty thousand
dollars without the diamond I'm not
gonna be happy this is what I need to be
happy I I deserve it I deserve the best
because I have self-esteem and in that
moment what you're doing is surrendering
your happiness to literally a chunk of
carbon and we wonder why no one is happy
today because we gave it up and there
are people who are happy to profit off
of it they're like great you go girl you
want a 50k let me show you ads for 60k
diamonds and we wonder it's not a knock
against women by the way men are the
same for men it can be I need my
significant other we're assuming a
heterosexual relationship to have tits
that are this big
same thing
sports cars whatever so if you're
wondering what should I do so here's
what I'd say start by prioritizing your
security learn how to savor and
prioritize experiences over possessions
and spend your money on other people at
least some these are the four things
that'll make you happy in life easy ah
this is great so this is a wonderful
question how does the experience of
going to a museum differ from the
experience of gaming beautiful so the
main difference is one is easier to
savor and one is harder to savor so
remember the ability to savor is the
ability to enhance and extend a positive
emotional experience so gaming is only
fun while you're gaming and then the
second you're done with a match what do
you have to do to continue having fun
you don't save her at all you just jump
right in so the difference between a
museum is a museum is more conducive to
savoring and then people may say but
hold on a second Dr K I've savored some
of my video game experiences as have I
and those are the video game experiences
that I love and don't regret for a
moment that's what being a healthy gamer
is about savoring your game I still
remember ladder matches from Starcraft 1
on island maps when I was playing
protoss like I still remember Dungeons
and dragon sessions I still remember a
couple of Epic comebacks in Dota I still
remember playing Unreal Tournament those
are the experiences that are worth
saving but what I think is actually like
worse about gaming is that gaming itself
is not monolithic there's some games
that could be savored like I think Eldon
ring is moving in that direction right
you can Savor Elder ring you don't have
to micro transact your way to anything
it's not about winning or losing it's
like there isn't a best weapon and a
worse weapon the best weapon is what
people like what kind of armor do you
want to wear it's like fashion Souls
like forget about best I'm gonna create
an experience and even if you're a video
game designer and this is where like
we've done Consulting for video game
companies what we Advocate is this is
that we think about video games is evil
they're not evil parents think about
them as evil whether they're evil or not
depends on how we make them so like even
if you're playing a video video games
savor it I know it's kind of bizarre
after you play for a little while go for
a walk think about how much fun you had
today because one of two things will
happen either you'll savor it and it'll
be just as fun to walk as it will to
play or if you're like me at one point
you'll make a shocking discovery which
is that actually you didn't enjoy it and
actually you feel like you're waking up
from being passed out from drinking too
much and you're hungover from playing
way too much and that's when you know
you're an unhealthy gamer if you can't
savor it don't play it savoring is the
ability to enhance and prolong or extend
a positive experience
foreign
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