You Need To Stop Taking Things Personally

Summary

This video explores the concept of taking things personally and its connection to narcissism. It highlights how personalizing external criticism or rejection can lead to negative feelings and prevent personal growth. Using examples like breakups and job rejections, the speaker explains how shifting focus from internal identity flaws to external behaviors allows for actionable change. By adopting empathy and externalizing the problem, we can improve our relationships and mental well-being. The video also touches on coaching, offering solutions for those struggling to see things from others' perspectives.

Takeaways

• 😀 Taking things personally creates negative emotions and bad outcomes, making it essential to learn how to avoid doing so.
• 🤔 Taking things personally is linked to narcissism, where the individual feels attacked and fails to address the real issue.
• 😕 Narcissists tend to internalize problems and play the victim instead of recognizing their own behavior as the cause of issues.
• 💔 In relationships, internalizing statements like 'it's not you, it's me' leads to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem, even when the problem isn't within you.
• 💡 The key to stopping taking things personally is accepting responsibility for specific behaviors without seeing it as an identity flaw.
• 🛠 Externalizing the problem from yourself allows you to focus on actionable areas of improvement, rather than seeing it as a defect in your character.
• 🎯 By identifying concrete areas of growth, like insufficient skills after an interview rejection, you can take corrective actions and feel empowered.
• 👁 Practicing empathy and understanding others' perspectives helps reduce the likelihood of taking things personally and can improve relationships.
• 🚫 Narcissists fail to change because they place the blame on themselves without addressing the specific behaviors causing the problems.
• 🌱 Accepting responsibility for behaviors, rather than identity, leads to positive outcomes in both personal growth and relationships.

Q & A

What is the primary issue the speaker addresses in the video?

The speaker focuses on how to stop taking things personally and explains the negative consequences of doing so.

How does the speaker connect taking things personally with narcissism?

The speaker explains that taking things personally is a trait of narcissism, as narcissists tend to view criticism as a personal attack, making it difficult for them to change their behavior.

What are some of the negative consequences of taking things personally, according to the speaker?

Taking things personally leads to bad feelings, unproductive behaviors, low self-esteem, and an inability to take corrective action because the person focuses on themselves rather than the actual issue.

How does the speaker suggest people can stop taking things personally?

The speaker suggests practicing empathy by looking at things from another person’s perspective and externalizing the problem, focusing on behavior rather than personal identity.

What example does the speaker give to illustrate how narcissists deflect responsibility?

The speaker uses an example of a narcissist who shows up drunk repeatedly. When confronted about the behavior, instead of addressing the issue, the narcissist plays the victim, saying they can't make anyone happy.

How does taking responsibility relate to not taking things personally?

Taking responsibility involves acknowledging the specific behaviors that need improvement rather than internalizing the issue as a personal defect, which leads to better outcomes and growth.

What role does empathy play in resolving the issue of taking things personally?

Empathy helps by encouraging individuals to view situations from another person’s perspective, which allows them to focus on actionable behaviors instead of internalizing the problem.

Why is externalizing the problem important in changing behavior?

Externalizing the problem shifts the focus away from seeing oneself as inherently flawed and helps identify specific behaviors that can be addressed, leading to more effective changes.

What does the speaker suggest you do if you're unsure about the specific behaviors you need to change?

The speaker recommends asking the other person what behaviors they observe that bother them and analyzing what actions could improve the situation, even if you're unsure.

How does the speaker relate the process of not taking things personally to improving relationships and self-esteem?

By focusing on specific behaviors rather than personal identity, individuals can take corrective action, which improves their relationships and self-esteem, leading to more positive outcomes.