How not to take things personally? | Frederik Imbo | TEDxMechelen

Summary

In this engaging talk, a football referee shares his personal journey of learning not to take things personally. He presents two powerful strategies: 1) Realizing it's not about you, but understanding the other person's intentions, and 2) When that fails, acknowledging that it is about you, showing self-empathy, and communicating vulnerably. With wit and relatable examples, he illustrates how applying these strategies can enhance relationships and create a better world. The talk offers a thought-provoking perspective on overcoming the natural tendency to take things personally, ultimately promoting harmony and connection.

Takeaways

• 😃 Don't take things personally; often it's not about you, but about the other person's intentions or perspectives.
• 😐 When you can't stop taking something personally, it may be because it touches on your own insecurities or unresolved issues.
• 🤗 Practice self-empathy and vulnerability by acknowledging your feelings without blaming others.
• 💬 Communicate openly and express your needs to others without accusation, increasing the chance of understanding.
• 🧠 Retrain your brain to not take things personally through conscious effort and practice.
• 🏆 Not taking things personally enhances relationships and creates a better world.
• 💼 Being a referee helped the speaker learn to not take things personally in a high-pressure environment.
• 💸 The speaker's motivation for becoming a referee was not financial gain, but self-improvement.
• 🚴‍♀️ Staying physically active and learning emotional resilience were the main reasons for becoming a referee.
• ✌️ The key strategies are: 1) It's not about me, and 2) It is about me (requiring self-reflection and vulnerability).

Q & A

What motivated the speaker to become a football referee?

The speaker decided to become a football referee for two reasons: 1) To stay in good shape, and 2) To learn how not to take things personally, as referees often face criticism and negative comments from spectators.

What is the first strategy the speaker discusses for not taking things personally?

The first strategy is to remind oneself that 'It's not about me.' This involves trying to understand the other person's perspective and intention instead of assuming their behavior is directed at or about you.

How does the speaker train his brain to not take things personally?

The speaker uses his role as a football referee to train his brain for an hour and a half every week during matches. He mentally prepares himself to not take the spectators' negative comments and criticism personally.

What is the second strategy for not taking things personally?

The second strategy is to acknowledge that 'It is about me.' This involves looking inward, questioning oneself, and giving oneself empathy when the criticism or behavior touches a personal insecurity or unresolved issue.

Why does the speaker suggest being vulnerable and speaking up about one's feelings?

The speaker recommends being vulnerable and expressing one's feelings without blaming the other person. This increases the chances of the other person understanding and taking your needs into account.

What is the significance of the speaker's comment about earning 20 euros as a referee?

The speaker humorously points out that he only earns 20 euros per match as a referee, which is hardly enough to get rich, but it's a small price to pay for learning how not to take things personally.

How does the speaker explain why people take things personally?

The speaker suggests that people take things personally when the criticism or behavior touches a raw nerve or insecurity within them, often rooted in childhood experiences or unresolved issues.

What message does the speaker convey in the closing remarks?

In the closing remarks, the speaker encourages the audience to practice not taking things personally, as it can enhance their relationships and contribute to creating a better world.

What is the significance of the coin toss analogy used by the speaker?

The coin toss analogy represents the two strategies for not taking things personally: 'heads' for 'It's not about me,' and 'tails' for 'It is about me.' The speaker uses this analogy to illustrate the two sides or perspectives to consider.

How does the speaker try to make the message relatable to the audience?

The speaker provides relatable examples and scenarios that the audience might experience, such as someone canceling an appointment, being criticized at work, or having someone ignore them while telling a story. This helps the audience connect with the message on a personal level.