The Gift of Conflict | Amy E. Gallo | TEDxBroadway

Summary

In this insightful talk, the speaker shares a personal anecdote about miscommunication and its consequences, leading to a profound discussion on the importance of disagreeing constructively. She emphasizes the need to overcome our natural aversion to conflict, driven by the desire for likability and the instinctual 'amygdala hijack'. Drawing from research in conflict, emotional intelligence, and negotiation, she offers practical tools for navigating disagreements with empathy and kindness, transforming them into opportunities for growth and connection.

Takeaways

• 😶 Disagreement is often avoided due to fear of conflict or being perceived as unkind, but it is essential for productive communication.
• 🤔 The speaker initially coped with disagreement by venting to a friend instead of addressing issues directly with the person involved.
• 🔥 An accidental email sent to the wrong person led to a realization about the importance of direct communication and the consequences of avoiding difficult conversations.
• 🌼 The speaker learned the importance of apologizing and owning up to mistakes, which can foster better relationships and personal growth.
• 🧠 Our brains can go into 'amygdala hijack' during stress, impairing clear thinking and making it difficult to handle disagreements effectively.
• 🤝 There is a natural human tendency to seek likability and avoid conflict, which can lead to imitating others' behaviors to fit in.
• 📚 The speaker spent three years researching conflict and disagreement to develop tools for navigating conflicts more effectively.
• 🤷‍♀️ Common mistakes in disagreements include making the situation about oneself, not seeing the other person's perspective, and focusing on winning the argument.
• 🤝 Seeing the situation from the other person's perspective can help to depersonalize the disagreement and approach the conversation with empathy.
• 🎯 Identifying the goal of the conversation before engaging in it can help to keep the discussion focused and productive.
• 🤗 Understanding the nature of the disagreement—whether it's about tasks, goals, process, or status—can help to manage the conversation more effectively.
• 💪 Learning to disagree calmly and competently is a valuable life skill that can be applied in various aspects of life, including personal relationships and work.
• 🚫 Accepting that not all disagreements will be resolved positively and that sometimes people may still be upset despite one's best efforts to communicate with kindness and empathy.

Q & A

What was the speaker's initial reaction after realizing they sent an email to the wrong person?

The speaker immediately realized the mistake and feared they would get fired. Instead of hiding the error, they decided to confess to their boss.

What advice did the speaker's boss give after the email mishap?

The boss told the speaker to go apologize to the client, which the speaker found more daunting than being fired.

Why did the speaker choose not to share their disagreements with Marisa initially?

The speaker avoided sharing their disagreements because they didn't want to be mean or hurt Marisa's feelings, reflecting a common fear that disagreement is unkind.

What realization did the speaker come to after their research on conflict and disagreement?

The speaker realized that they had been handling disagreements wrong by making the situation about themselves, not seeing things from the other person's perspective, and focusing on winning rather than understanding.

What are the three strategies the speaker developed for handling disagreements more effectively?

The speaker suggests: 1) Seeing the situation from the other person's perspective, 2) Identifying what they want from the conversation before it happens, and 3) Understanding what the disagreement is actually about to depersonalize the conflict.

How did the speaker's daughter influence their understanding of conflict resolution?

The speaker's daughter taught them the importance of considering the most generous interpretation of others' actions, such as assuming that someone might be on their way to buy a helmet instead of recklessly riding a motorcycle without one.

Why does the speaker believe that disagreement is a necessary part of relationships?

The speaker argues that disagreement, when handled with compassion and kindness, is a sign of care and love, and is essential for healthy relationships.

How does the speaker's past trauma relate to their interest in studying conflict and disagreement?

The speaker's trauma of being molested as a child and not speaking up led them to channel their fear into an obsession with understanding how to disagree without causing harm, driven by a desire to protect their daughter and themselves.

What is the speaker's mantra for dealing with situations where others may be upset with them?

The speaker repeats the mantra, 'Sometimes people are going to be mad at you, and that's okay,' which helps them navigate situations where their disagreements or actions might upset others.

What is the speaker's overarching message about conflict and disagreement?

The speaker emphasizes that conflict and disagreement, when approached with calmness, compassion, and kindness, are not only manageable but necessary skills for both work and life.