Finding Confidence in Conflict | Kwame Christian | TEDxDayton

Summary

The speaker, a business lawyer and negotiation consultant, shares a humorous anecdote about a personal conflict over cereal to illustrate the importance of effective conflict management. He explains how the amygdala, a primitive part of the brain, can hijack rational thought during conflicts, leading to fight, flight, or freeze responses. Drawing from his own experiences of being a people pleaser, he emphasizes the need to move beyond these primal instincts towards 'compassionate curiosity'—a more evolved approach that involves genuine empathy and understanding. This approach, he argues, engages the prefrontal cortex, allowing for logical reasoning and better communication. The speaker shares a professional negotiation example where compassionate curiosity defused tension and led to a successful outcome. He admits that applying this in personal life is more challenging due to higher emotional stakes but stresses its importance for maintaining valuable relationships. The talk concludes with a call to embrace compassionate curiosity to counteract the growing animosity in society.

Takeaways

• 🍪 The importance of effective conflict management in personal and professional lives cannot be overstated.
• 🧠 The amygdala, part of the limbic system, responds quickly to perceived threats and can lead to irrational behavior if not managed.
• 🏃‍♂️ Fear responses such as fight, flight, or freeze are instinctual but can be detrimental in modern conflict resolution.
• 🌱 Growing up in a diverse environment and having a unique background can influence how one perceives and handles conflict.
• 🔄 Becoming a people pleaser can lead to avoiding conflict, which might not be beneficial in the long run for personal growth.
• 💡 The distinction between being liked and being respected is crucial for achieving personal and professional success.
• 🤔 Compelling curiosity is a more evolved approach to conflict resolution that involves empathy, understanding, and effective questioning.
• 🧘 Vulnerability is key in conflict management, as it requires suspending judgment and being open to the possibility of being wrong.
• 🧠 Using the prefrontal cortex for logical reasoning can help overcome the primitive responses of the amygdala during conflicts.
• 🤝 Conflict can be an opportunity to strengthen relationships or identify toxic ones, rather than just a challenge to be overcome.
• 🌟 Personal anecdotes and real-life examples can effectively illustrate the principles of conflict management and the power of compassionate curiosity.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the speaker's story about the conflict over cereal?

The main theme is effective conflict management. The speaker uses a humorous anecdote about a cereal conflict with his wife to illustrate the importance of handling conflicts in a mature and understanding manner.

What does the speaker identify as the part of the brain responsible for quick responses to perceived threats?

The amygdala, which is part of the limbic system, also known as the 'lizard brain,' is identified as the part responsible for quick, primal responses to perceived threats.

What is the term used to describe the phenomenon where someone says something in the heat of the moment that they immediately regret?

This phenomenon is referred to as an 'amygdala hijack,' which can cause a person to act irrationally due to the emotional response triggered by the amygdala.

How did the speaker's upbringing in Tiffin, Ohio, and his Caribbean family background influence his approach to conflict?

Growing up in a diverse environment and having a Caribbean accent made the speaker feel different, leading to a fear of not fitting in. This resulted in him becoming a people pleaser, avoiding conflict and tending to freeze or flee when faced with disagreements.

What advice did the speaker's mentor give him that changed his perspective on conflict?

The mentor advised that there is a significant difference between being liked and being respected. To achieve personal and professional success, one must be willing to engage with conflict.

What is the term the speaker introduces as a more evolved response to conflict resolution?

The speaker introduces the term 'compassionate curiosity' as a more evolved response to conflict resolution, which involves approaching conversations with empathy and a genuine desire to understand.

How does compassionate curiosity help in managing conflicts?

Compassionate curiosity helps by fostering a genuine desire to understand the other party's perspective, which is coupled with empathy and respect. This approach encourages better, deeper questions and more effective listening.

What part of the brain does the speaker mention as being used when practicing compassionate curiosity?

The prefrontal cortex, the most evolved part of the brain, is used when practicing compassionate curiosity. This is where logical reasoning is found.

How does the speaker describe the process of using compassionate curiosity in a real-life conflict situation?

The speaker describes using compassionate curiosity by leading with compassion and focusing on addressing the other party's emotional needs. By asking open-ended questions and genuinely seeking to understand, the speaker was able to de-escalate a tense situation and reach a resolution.

What is the key takeaway from the story about the cereal conflict with the speaker's wife, Whitney?

The key takeaway is the importance of communication and problem-solving in relationships. Instead of reacting impulsively, the speaker should have used compassionate curiosity to understand Whitney's perspective and work together to find a solution.

Why does the speaker emphasize the importance of standing up and addressing conflicts in relationships?

The speaker emphasizes this because it is often the case that the other party may be unaware of the impact of their behavior. Addressing conflicts is a responsibility that can lead to positive change and a stronger relationship.

What is the final challenge the speaker issues to the audience regarding conflict?

The final challenge is to use compassionate curiosity the next time one finds themselves in the midst of a conflict, with the goal of improving the relationship rather than resorting to petty or harmful behaviors.

Outlines

00:00

😀 Personal Conflict and the Amygdala

The speaker, a business lawyer and negotiation consultant, shares a humorous anecdote about a conflict with his wife over cereal, highlighting how conflicts can arise in both personal and professional settings. He explains the role of the amygdala, a part of the brain that reacts quickly to perceived threats and can lead to irrational behavior, known as an 'amygdala hijack.' The speaker reflects on his own experiences growing up in a diverse community with a Caribbean accent, which led to a fear of standing out and a tendency to avoid conflict by freezing or fleeing. He emphasizes the importance of being respected over being liked, and how this realization has influenced his approach to conflict.

05:02

🤔 Compassionate Curiosity as a Conflict Resolution Tool

The speaker introduces 'compassionate curiosity' as a more evolved method for resolving conflicts. This approach encourages a genuine desire to understand the other party's perspective, combined with empathy and respect. It involves asking open-ended questions and actively listening, which can be challenging due to the need for vulnerability. The speaker explains that compassionate curiosity helps to engage the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for logical reasoning, thus taming the 'lizard brain' reactions. He shares an example of how using compassionate curiosity in a heated contract negotiation led to a successful outcome. The speaker acknowledges that applying this approach in personal life can be harder when emotions run high, but stresses its importance for maintaining valuable relationships.

10:03

🗣️ The Importance of Communication in Relationships

The speaker discusses the importance of addressing conflicts directly to improve relationships and effect positive change. He points out that people often are unaware of the impact their actions have on others, making it crucial to communicate openly. The speaker calls for embracing compassionate curiosity as a way to counter the growing animosity in society. He concludes with a challenge to use compassionate curiosity in conflicts, rather than resorting to petty acts of retaliation, as a means to strengthen relationships and contribute to a more understanding and empathetic world.

Keywords

💡Conflict Management

Conflict management refers to the process of addressing and resolving disputes or disagreements in a constructive manner. In the video, the speaker emphasizes the importance of effective conflict management in both personal and professional settings, using the story of a cereal dispute with his wife as a metaphor for larger conflicts. It is central to the video's theme of navigating disagreements with a more evolved approach.

💡Amygdala Hijack

An amygdala hijack occurs when the amygdala, a part of the brain involved in emotional responses, takes over and leads to a rapid, instinctive reaction to a perceived threat, often resulting in irrational behavior. The speaker uses this term to describe a moment of intense emotional reaction that can lead to poor decision-making in the heat of a conflict, which is a key concept in understanding how to manage emotions during disagreements.

💡Fight/Flight/Freeze Response

The fight/flight/freeze response is a physiological reaction to a perceived harmful event, attack, or threat to survival. In the context of the video, the speaker discusses how these primal responses can be triggered during conflicts and how they can hinder effective communication and resolution. The video advocates for moving beyond these instinctual reactions to a more thoughtful approach.

💡Compassionate Curiosity

Compassionate curiosity is a proposed alternative to the fight/flight/freeze response, involving a genuine desire to understand another person's perspective with empathy and respect. The speaker introduces this concept as a means to engage with conflict more effectively, by fostering open and constructive dialogue. It is a cornerstone of the speaker's message on conflict resolution.

💡Prefrontal Cortex

The prefrontal cortex is the most evolved part of the brain, associated with higher cognitive functions such as logical reasoning and decision-making. In the video, the speaker suggests that using compassionate curiosity can activate the prefrontal cortex, helping individuals to respond to conflict with reason rather than instinct, which is crucial for navigating difficult conversations.

💡Lizard Brain

The term 'lizard brain' is a colloquialism for the more primitive parts of the brain, including the amygdala, which are responsible for instinctual reactions. The speaker uses this term to describe the quick, primal responses that can hinder effective conflict resolution. The video encourages viewers to rise above these 'lizard brain' reactions through the use of compassionate curiosity.

💡Negotiation

Negotiation is a process where involved parties discuss and resolve their differences to reach an agreement. The video highlights negotiation as a context where conflict management is critical, with the speaker sharing personal anecdotes and professional insights into how to successfully navigate negotiations by addressing the emotional aspects of the conflict upfront.

💡Persuasion

Persuasion is the art of convincing someone to believe or do something. The video connects persuasion with conflict management, suggesting that effectively managing conflicts can lead to more persuasive outcomes. The speaker's experience in contract negotiation exemplifies how addressing conflict can facilitate persuasion in professional settings.

💡Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the state of being open to attack or damage, but in the context of the video, it refers to the willingness to show one's true feelings and thoughts, particularly in difficult conversations. The speaker argues that vulnerability is necessary for genuine communication and is an essential component of compassionate curiosity.

💡Cereal Example

The 'cereal example' is a humorous anecdote from the speaker's personal life about a conflict over the last bowl of cereal. This story serves as a metaphor for how not to handle conflicts and is used to introduce the concept of compassionate curiosity as a better approach. It illustrates the importance of addressing conflicts with understanding and empathy rather than resorting to retaliatory or passive behaviors.

💡Personal and Professional Success

The video discusses the importance of being respected over merely being liked for achieving personal and professional success. This concept is tied to the speaker's transformational advice on engaging with conflict. It suggests that standing up for oneself and managing conflicts effectively can lead to more meaningful and successful relationships, both in personal life and at work.

Highlights

The speaker is a business lawyer and negotiation consultant with a focus on effective conflict management.

A personal anecdote about a conflict over cereal is used to illustrate the importance of conflict management.

The amygdala, part of the limbic system, is identified as the brain's quick responder to perceived threats.

Modern society's challenges are attributed to the lag in human brain evolution, leading to struggles in difficult conversations.

The concept of 'amygdala hijack' is introduced, explaining how fear can quickly shift us from rational to irrational behavior.

Three fear responses are identified: fight, flight, and freeze.

The speaker's personal background of growing up in a diverse community and having a Caribbean accent shaped his approach to conflict.

The speaker became a 'people pleaser' to gain acceptance, which led to difficulties in standing up for himself in conflicts.

A mentor's advice on the difference between being liked and being respected was a turning point for the speaker.

Conflict is presented as an opportunity to repair, strengthen, or remove relationships.

The speaker introduces 'compassionate curiosity' as an evolved response to conflict resolution.

Compassionate curiosity involves genuine desire to understand, empathy, and respect.

Using compassionate curiosity engages the prefrontal cortex, promoting logical reasoning over primal responses.

The speaker shares an example of using compassionate curiosity in a heated contract negotiation, leading to a successful outcome.

Effective conflict management is emphasized as critical in both professional and personal settings.

The importance of addressing the conflict before moving on to the agenda in a negotiation is highlighted.

The speaker admits to finding it more challenging to apply compassionate curiosity in personal life due to higher stakes.

The cereal anecdote is revisited with a demonstration of how compassionate curiosity could have been applied.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of communication in relationships, using the cereal example to illustrate a lack of awareness of the other person's feelings.

Compassionate curiosity is positioned as a tool to counter animosity and improve communication in society.

The challenge is issued to use compassionate curiosity in conflicts to seek improvement in relationships.

Transcripts

[Music]

[Applause]

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I'm a business lawyer and a negotiation

consultant so my professional life

centers on effective conflict management

and today I'm going to tell you the

story of one of my most serious

conflicts in order for you to wrap your

head around the gravity of this

situation there's something important

you need to know about me I love

cinnamon toast crunch so earlier this

year after a long day at work all I

wanted to do was relax at home with a

bowl of my favorite cereal so imagine

how I felt when I got home and I saw my

lovely wife Whitney sitting on the couch

finishing the last bowl of my cereal and

she did not even have the decency to use

milk so without thinking I marched into

the kitchen I took her granola and I ate

all of it and and I don't even like

granola this is an example of how not to

handle conflict so obviously we're

having a little bit of fun with that

example but the reality is that conflict

can be the most challenging part of our

personal and professional lives whether

it's a business negotiation or a heated

political argument these conversations

are intimidating and infuriating but why

this is your amygdala the amygdala is a

temperamental part of the brain that is

quick to respond to perceived threats

it's part of the limbic system which is

one of the most primitive brain

structures and is also known as the

lizard brain these quick primal

responses were critical for survival way

back in the day when we were living in

caves and death lurked around every

corner but the problem is that society

evolved faster than our brains and as a

result today we struggle in difficult

conversations because we're fighting

modern-day battles with prehistoric

tools

have you ever said something in the heat

of the moment that you immediately knew

was a mistake

this is called an amygdala hijack and it

can take you from rational to irrational

in the blink of an eye these responses

are rooted in fear and we only have

three fear responses fight/flight and

the often overlooked freeze response

which is also known as the

deer-in-headlights

response and your preferred fear

response is most likely going to be a

product of your lived experience I grew

up in Tiffin Ohio and the thing that I

really appreciated about Tiffin was its

diversity

on top of that my family's from the

Caribbean so I had a strong Caribbean

accent when I was growing up so not only

did I look different

I also sounded different and not

surprisingly this combination made a

real tough for the young Y to fit in so

because of this I became obsessed with

finding ways to gain the acceptance of

my peers and eventually I became one of

the most popular kids in school but this

came with a price

I became deathly afraid of singing or

doing something that could potentially

jeopardize the relationships that I

worked so hard to create I became a

people pleaser and this made it less

likely for me to stand up for myself in

difficult conversations in other words I

would freeze or flee in the face of

conflict this led me to agree when I

actually disagree and avoid

confrontation at all cost

but all this changed when I met my

mentor and he told me something that I

will never forget he said plumbing there

is a big difference between being liked

and being respected and if you want to

have personal and professional success

you need to be willing to engage with

conflict so after that meeting I forced

myself to have the difficult

conversations that I spent my whole life

trying to avoid

and as I built this new habit I

discovered something life-changing

conflict is an opportunity conflict

provides you with the unique opportunity

to either repair and strengthen valuable

relationships or identify and remove

malignant relationships with minimal

damage so how do we actually engage with

the conflict at hand you remember fight

flight or freeze I suggest that we use a

more evolved response to conflict

resolution something that I like to call

compassionate curiosity

now the distinction between curiosity

and compassionate curiosity is more than

just semantics for example you can start

a conversation off like this what the

hell is your problem

curious yes compassionate know or you

could start a conversation like this how

do you feel about this situation

compassionate curiosity fosters a

genuine desire to understand that is

tempered with empathy and respect

approaching conversations in this way

naturally causes you to ask better

deeper and more penetrating questions

and listen more effectively what makes

this so hard is the fact that we need to

be vulnerable we need to be willing to

suspend judgment and open ourselves up

to the scary possibilities of either

being wrong or potentially losing a

relationship compassionate curiosity is

the key to taming the lizard brain

slowing down and asking these high-level

questions forces you to use the most

evolved part of your brain called the

prefrontal cortex this is where you find

a logical reasoning

whenever you get lost confused or scared

in these conversations compassionate

curiosity will be your North Star you

can look to it for guidance when you

don't know what to say you can lean on

it for support in your most difficult

conversations and as you start to build

this new habit you'll realize that it

actually takes pressure off of you

because your goal is to learn not to

teach here's an example earlier this

year I found myself in a heated contract

negotiation the guy on the other side

was furious I could actually hear his

voice quivering with rage with every

word he said and then I felt the sudden

rush of emotion from my amygdala and it

told me that I could either run away

fight back or just sit there and take it

but instead of falling victim to these

primal impulses I chose to use

compassionate curiosity I led with

compassion and focused on addressing his

acute emotional needs I said listen I

can tell you're upset what are your

biggest concerns what can we do to help

you and as he started to answer these

questions he slowly began to calm

and by the end of the conversation we

were laughing and joking with each other

and he gave me everything that I needed

effective conflict management is a

critical element of negotiation and

persuasion this deal would have been

impossible if I didn't take the time to

suspend my agenda and address the

conflict on the front end of the

conversation and you don't need to be a

professional negotiator to do this it

works in your personal life as well but

I will be honest with you I am a lot

better at doing this in my professional

life then I have in my personal life and

this is because as the relationships get

closer the stakes get higher there's

more to lose but you have to remember we

don't use compassionate curiosity

because it's easy we use it because the

relationship is worth it speaking of

relationships let's get back to Whitney

and cereal gates

what does compassionate curiosity look

like in this situation well instead of

suffering through an ungodly amount of

granola to make an ineffective point

what I should have done was first lead

with compassion and second invited her

to problem-solve with me through the use

of open-ended questions now this is

where it gets really interesting because

I actually tried this with Whitney a few

weeks later and I learned something

fascinating so when I brought this up to

her she looked at me with a genuine

confusion and said Kwame do I really do

that and I was shocked and this was

shocking to me for two reasons reason

number one was because at this point

we'd been married for seven years and I

could not believe that she didn't know

how much of an issue this was to me

reason number two was because as we were

having this serious conversation she was

literally finishing off another box of

my cereal right in front of me this just

goes to show that a lot of times the

other side is blissfully unaware of the

impact that their behavior has on us and

this is precisely why it is our

responsibility to stand up and say

something if we really care about the

relationship and we really care about

making positive change we're living at a

time now where it seems as though we

forgotten how to talk to each other

embracing and sharing this message of

compassionate curiosity maybe the best

thing that we can do to counter the

animosity that we're seeing in the world

today so I'll leave you with this it's a

challenge the next time you find

yourself in the midst of a conflict

remember you have two choices you can

either use compassionate curiosity and

actually seek to improve the

relationship or you can follow them home

sneak into their kitchen and eat all of

their bunola

[Applause]

[Music]

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