I Lived As A Man For 18mths - Listen To What Happened

Summary

Writer Nora Vincent spent 18 months living as a man named Ned to understand male experiences and friendships. Using a disguise and acting skills, she infiltrated male-only spaces like bowling teams, strip clubs, and therapy groups. Nora's journey revealed surprising insights about men's emotional struggles, societal expectations, and the profound lack of intimacy in male friendships. Her experiences highlighted the differences in male and female sexuality and the challenges men face in expressing vulnerability. Ultimately, Nora's experiment deepened her empathy for men and appreciation for her own femininity.

Takeaways

• 👫 Men and women face different problems, but men need sympathy, love, and each other.
• 👩 Nora Vincent, a writer, disguised herself as a man named Ned to explore male life.
• 🎭 Nora used acting, makeup, and physical adjustments to transform into Ned.
• 🤝 Nora joined a men's bowling team and was surprised by their acceptance and camaraderie.
• 💔 She found that male friendships often lack emotional intimacy.
• 👀 Visiting strip clubs, Nora observed that they are about sexual drive and lack meaningful interaction.
• 👎 As Ned, Nora experienced rejection in the dating scene, finding women uninterested in vulnerable men.
• 🚘 Shopping as Ned, she noticed a significant difference in how she was treated by salesmen.
• 🙏 Living as a monk, she observed the struggle for male intimacy and communication.
• 🗣️ Joining a men's therapy group, Nora saw how men express emotions primarily through rage.

Q & A

What was the primary goal of Nora Vincent's project?

Nora Vincent's primary goal was to learn about the human creature by experiencing life as a man and understanding male spheres of interest and male friendships from the inside out.

How did Nora Vincent physically transform herself into a man?

Nora Vincent transformed herself into a man by getting a buzz cut, wearing baggy men's clothes and a too-small sports bra to flatten her breasts, adding padding in a jock strap, and using makeup techniques to create facial hair.

What initial reaction did Nora Vincent receive from the men on the bowling team?

Nora Vincent was initially surprised by the generosity and acceptance of the men on the bowling team. They welcomed her warmly and made her feel comfortable, contrary to her expectation of rejection or mockery.

How did the men on the bowling team react when they learned about Nora's true identity?

The men on the bowling team took the revelation of Nora's true identity well. They were initially surprised but remained friendly and accepting.

What insights did Nora gain about male friendships and intimacy?

Nora discovered that male friendships often involve showing affection through cussing and ribbing, and that men have a tremendous potential for tenderness, although it is often unrealized. She found that male intimacy is often lacking.

How did Nora Vincent's perspective on male and female sexuality differ?

Nora learned that female sexuality is more mental and emotional, whereas male sexuality is more of a bodily function and a powerful physical drive. She observed that men often lack intimacy in sexual situations.

What challenges did Nora face while trying to pick up women as Ned?

Nora faced challenges such as dealing with women's initial hostility and the pressure of having to prove herself. She found that many women were not interested in a soft, vulnerable man and preferred a more traditionally masculine man.

What did Nora Vincent learn about men's emotional expression?

Nora learned that men often have their emotional expression pounded out of them from an early age, leading to a lack of vocabulary and emotional awareness to express their feelings. Men often show their emotions through rage.

How did Nora's experience in a monastery reflect male intimacy issues?

In the monastery, Nora found that the monks, despite being pious and smart, also struggled with communication and the need for male intimacy. She felt ostracized due to her feminine side and assumptions about her sexual orientation.

What conclusions did Nora Vincent draw about gender and identity from her experience?

Nora concluded that gender is deeply ingrained in the brain and is more than just costume. Her experience taught her that men have different but equally challenging problems compared to women, and they need sympathy, love, and each other for support.

Outlines

00:00

👨 Understanding Men's Struggles

The introduction highlights the unique struggles men face and emphasizes the need for sympathy, love, and camaraderie among men. The segment introduces Nora Vincent, a writer undergoing a transformation into a man, not through surgery but by acting and disguise. This transformation is part of her research for a book on understanding the male experience.

05:01

🏆 Gaining Acceptance in Male Spaces

Nora, as Ned, joins a men's bowling team despite being a novice bowler. Contrary to her expectations, she is warmly accepted by the team. This experience challenges her preconceived notions about men being less welcoming. The camaraderie and immediate acceptance she experiences surprise her and showcase the affectionate nature of male friendships.

10:02

🎭 Navigating Male and Female Interactions

Nora reveals her true identity to the team, starting with Jim, who initially disbelieves her. The team's acceptance remains unchanged, deepening her insights into male friendships. She explores the differences in male and female sexualities, noting men's emotional frustration and the lack of intimacy in their sexual experiences, particularly in environments like strip clubs.

15:02

🛠 Experiencing the Challenges of Dating as a Man

Nora delves into the dating scene, facing the pressures men endure to prove themselves. She finds many women uninterested in vulnerable men, preferring more traditionally masculine traits. Through her experiences, Nora gains a deeper sympathy for men and their struggles in romantic pursuits. She also explores how men and women are treated differently in various social interactions, such as shopping for a car.

Keywords

💡Nora Vincent

Nora Vincent is the main subject of the video, a writer who transformed herself into a man named Ned to explore male experiences. Her journey provides insight into gender dynamics and male vulnerability, highlighting her observations and conclusions from living as a man for 18 months.

💡Ned Vincent

Ned Vincent is the male persona adopted by Nora Vincent during her 18-month experiment. This transformation involved physical changes and behavioral adaptations to convincingly pass as a man, allowing Nora to immerse herself in male-dominated environments and understand men's experiences from an insider's perspective.

💡Male Vulnerability

Male vulnerability refers to the emotional and psychological struggles that men face, which Nora Vincent observed during her time as Ned. The video emphasizes that men suffer from a lack of intimacy and emotional expression, often resulting in loneliness and frustration.

💡Gender Roles

Gender roles are the societal expectations and behaviors typically associated with being male or female. Nora Vincent's experiment challenged these roles by showing how different behaviors and experiences are expected from men and women, revealing the pressures and constraints imposed by these roles.

💡Intimacy

Intimacy, in the context of the video, refers to the emotional closeness and connection that men often lack in their relationships with other men. Nora observed that male friendships are typically less emotionally expressive compared to female friendships, leading to a deeper understanding of male loneliness.

💡Strip Clubs

Strip clubs are used in the video to explore male sexuality and the emptiness Nora observed in these environments. Her visits to these clubs as Ned revealed that the experience was less about appreciating women and more about fulfilling a basic, often unsatisfying, physical urge.

💡Dating

Dating in the video refers to Nora's experiences as Ned, where she went on about 30 dates with women. She found that many women were not interested in a soft, vulnerable man, which contrasted with her initial belief that women preferred men who exhibited these qualities.

💡Men's Therapy Group

A men's therapy group is a setting where men gather to express their emotions and address personal issues. Nora joined such a group to delve deeper into male emotional expression and found that men often express their emotions through anger due to societal expectations of male stoicism.

💡Identity

Identity in the video explores the concept of gender identity and its profound impact on one's sense of self. Nora's experiment highlights how deeply ingrained and essential gender identity is to individual functioning and well-being, as she experienced significant emotional distress from living as someone she was not.

💡Emotional Expression

Emotional expression refers to how individuals communicate their feelings. The video illustrates that men often struggle with this due to societal norms, leading to suppressed emotions and an overreliance on expressions of anger, which Nora Vincent observed in various male-dominated settings.

Highlights

Men are suffering, they have different problems than women have, but they don't have it better.

Nora Vincent is a writer who transformed herself into a man named Ned to learn about male experiences.

Nora's transformation involved a buzz cut, baggy men's clothes, and makeup techniques to create facial hair.

Nora joined a men's bowling team to experience male camaraderie, despite being a terrible bowler.

Nora found that men were surprisingly accepting and supportive, contrary to her expectations.

Nora revealed her true identity to her bowling team, who reacted positively and maintained their friendship.

Nora explored male sexuality by visiting strip clubs, finding them emotionally empty and frustrating for men.

Nora experienced the pressure of dating as a man, finding that women often rejected softer, vulnerable men.

Nora noted that many women preferred 'manly men' over sensitive, vulnerable men.

Nora's experiences led her to have greater sympathy and understanding for men's struggles.

Nora observed that men often lack the vocabulary and emotional awareness to express their feelings.

Nora's transformation into Ned highlighted the significant differences between male and female sexuality.

Nora's journey showed her the importance of male intimacy and the challenges men face in expressing emotions.

Nora's time in a men's therapy group revealed how men often express emotions through rage.

Nora concluded that identity is deeply tied to one's brain and is more than just a costume.

Nora found that men need each other's support and understanding more than anything else.

Nora believes that women do not fully understand what it's like to be a man.

Transcripts

men are suffering they have different

problems than women have but they don't

have it better they need our sympathy

they need our love and they need each

other more than anything else they need

to be together do you think women

understand what it's like to be a man

not at all no clue no

[Music]

idea

she's hardly a supermodel or movie star

but today Nora Vincent is getting the

full-blown glamour treatment Nora is a

writer and one of these shots will Adorn

the cover of her new book this wasn't

just a stunt this was about learning

this is a human project it was about

finding something out about the human

creature and I learned it the best

possible way because I went through it

what Nora went through or more

accurately what she became in the last

two years was a man yeah a little bit

shorter on the top okay no Nora didn't

get a sex change operation she did it

the oldfashioned way with acting and a

disguise at 5' 10 155 lb and wearing men

size 11 shoes Nora was a natural growing

up in the midwest with her actress

mother lawyer father and two older

brothers Nora was a tomboy with a player

for the dramatic she says she's still a

tomboy and in fact is a lesbian living

in Midtown Manhattan with her partner

Lisa I think we can work with this her

transformation into the guy she calls

Ned begins with a buzz cut baggy men's

clothes and a two small sports bra to

flatten her breasts she even wore a

little padding in a jock strap I also

tried to think well what kind of guy is

Ned and get for the rest she Enlisted

the help of makeup artist Ryan

McWilliams she just came to me and said

Ryan I'm I need to turn into a man the

hair as small as you can make it right

and so they came up with a method of

shredding braided wool into whisker size

bits and gluing it onto her face women

have much stronger nasal resonance as a

as a and then there's the theatrical

component H so just easy Tarzan out on

your chest a

little good juliard voice teacher Kate

morray coached Nora for months on a

program of movement breathing and

speaking I want you to be the best man

you can be all to incorporate some of

the subtle and not so subtle

characteristics of being a guy notice

what men do if they need to suddenly

grab a taxi hey they just do that

whereas women will ask for a taxi

instead of demand one when all the

pieces are together hair makeup voice

posture style the transformation is

[Music]

complete and Nora Vincent becomes Ned

Vincent one of these shots will be the

second photo on the book cover the book

self-made man is out today and is about

Nora's 18 months living as Ned I wanted

to enter male spheres of interest and

see how men are with each other I wanted

to make friends with men I wanted to

know how male friendships work from the

inside out Ned's first act as a newly

minted male was to join that

quintessential Bastion of camaraderie a

men's bowling team the only problem was

she's a terrible bowler I probably

bowled before this three times in my

life and that was you know in high

school when you do it with both hands

you know so it was just insane for me to

walk into this place without any and why

didn't they just run you out of town

when they saw how bad you were it's an

amazing thing because I think I mean

that that's shows you the generosity

that they had it was the first of

Norah's many surprises she thought these

guys from a workingclass Pennsylvania

neighborhood would mock Ned's bowling

and reject him as a guy but from their

first meeting they accepted Ned the

handshake was unbelievable that blew me

away the first time I shook hands with a

guy a strange guy and I was amazed

because you think of women you know

we're so nice we're so easy men are so

mean complete opposite hey baby and I

felt as comfortable as I could feel

right away they just took me in no

questions asked this is the first time

the guys are coming face to face with

the female version of Ned would you have

known me on the street no no good good

look taller than I remember yeah I know

you're shorter what

happened though they've known about

Norah's true identity for months how are

you congrat this reunion is their first

chance to talk about their friendship

but you guys had said there wasn't there

that game that you know the the person

who didn't make it to 100 had to wear

women's panties at the end of the season

and

and I thought you know I'm going to give

you guys a shock of your life and I'm

the team had bowled together for 9

months and gradually Nora gained

entrance into the inner

sanctum she found that all the cussing

and good nature ribbing is just how men

often show affection for each other go

oh yeah remember oh my God that's right

I forgot all about that did you know

based on watching her Bowl I mean you

know the joke was she bowled like a girl

but well we had our susp who's that

these guys did I just everybody really

everybody has their own style you know

but my style was style is

this

style near the end of the team's run

Nora decided to reveal herself as a

woman nervous about how they'd react she

tested the waters with the one guy she

was closest to she took Jim out for a

drink so she sits you down she's very

serious and she says I'm going tell you

something that's going to blow your mind

and what did you say so the only thing

that will blow my mind is if you told me

that you were a girl and that she was a

guy and she goes well your half right

the she Jim's talking about is Norah's

partner Lisa who the team had met

several times Jim assumed they were Ned

and Lisa a heterosexual couple but you

didn't believe her at first at first

well I was still in shock I said how can

this Poss you know where would this come

from this is just a regular Monday night

I was out boring having a good time a

few minutes ago I'm trapped in this

bizarre conversation about your name

isn't net anymore you know later Jim

told the rest of the team who all took

it well what do you think nor expected

to find in a bowling alley full of guys

I think she expected to find like a

bunch of guys just talking about women's

private parts and bunch of racists and

you know I think kind of that's what she

came into this thinking they really

showed me up as being the one who was

really judgmental because they were the

ones who took me in not knowing anything

about me they were the ones who made me

their friend and you know no judgments

attached that's not like it what wrong

Nora and Jim became closer friends once

he knew that he was a she now Jim was

willing to speak more personally and

openly like about his wife's cancer Nora

came to see that between men intimacy is

sadly lacking there's a tremendous

potential for tenderness between men and

I'm I'm not sure that it's always

realized and it's terribly sad cracking

the mystery of a boy's Night Out is one

thing but what about the explicit world

of a man's sexuality I really ran smack

up against the difference between male

and female sexuality is that female

sexuality is mental it's up

here and male sexuality is a bodily

function it's a necessity you just have

to do it when we come back Norah goes to

strip clubs in the company of men as a

man

over the 18 months of venturing out in

the world as a man Nora Vincent guesses

she put on Ned's whiskers and clothes

about 150 times after the bowling league

she was ready for love and

[Music]

sex you went to a couple of sex clubs

what were you trying to get at well at

first I thought this is sort of the qu

essential guy guy thing to do right the

bachelor party at the strip club when I

told people initially that I was doing

this it' say oh you got to go to a strip

club she says the clubs were obviously

sexual but once again lacking in

intimacy which leaves men emotionally

frustrated I saw the men there I saw the

looks on their faces I saw them sitting

alone nursing their Bourbon and this is

not about appreciation of women of

course it's not about appreciation of

their own sexuality it's about an urge

and it's that's not not always that

pleasurable really these guys who go to

these high pric clubs would say this

isn't about pain it's about pleasure men

have had the tears and the emotional

expression sort of pounded out of them

from an early age and so by the time

they're they're men it's very they don't

even have the vocabulary anymore or or

the emotional awareness to really say

what they're feeling Nora says strip

joints are about pure sex drive

completely empty of any meaningful

interaction even when a woman is gting

on your lap but you're attracted to

women were you ever aroused during any

of these I really ran smack up against

the difference between male and female

sexuality is that female sexuality is

mental it's up here whereas for men Nora

says sexuality is shall we say below the

waist at its core it's a bodily function

it's a necessity it is such a powerful

drive and I think because we don't have

testosterone in our systems we don't

understand how hard it is so it never

gets cold where you back into Australia

throughout the project Ned dabbled in

the art of picking up a woman where did

your friend go we went with him to this

bar wearing hidden cameras this is my

friend JC I'm n Nora was reminded that

in this Arena it's women who have all

the power we sit there and we just with

one word no will crush someone and the

thing is we don't have to do the part

where you cross the room and you go up

to a stranger and say the first words

and those first words are so hard to say

without sounding like a cheeseball or

sounding like a jerk or whatever else

yeah what do you guys do Nora says the

Brash off Barbara Jones gave Ned was

typical she was just sort of emblazoned

with hostility you know just looked at

you and you saw everything cross her

face which was oh God help me not again

I'm trying to have a drink with a friend

and I got to deal with you Barbara was

trying to dispose of Ned before her

friend returned from the

bathroom

while but Ned returned and told Barbara

the truth about her gender saying you

gave us all the lines like try to get

rid of us I see and as a woman I have

such sympathy I'm like oh I hate being

this guy that you're trying to get rid

of talking to a woman Barbara seemed

more open and friendly and in the end

actually apologized for how she had

treated Ned sorry for being bit please

does that kind of living in the skin of

a man in the bar scene in the dating

scene give you a different kind of

respect for men it gives me a certain

definite

sympathy um and I don't mean that

there's any disrespect but it it just

makes me understand what's going

on Nora as Ned also went on about 30

dates with women mostly arranging them

on the Internet did you have any fun

rarely rarely it was just an yeah she

says the pressure of Ned having to prove

himself was grueling Nora was surprised

that many women had no interest in a

soft vulnerable man my Prejudice was

that the the ideal man is a woman in a

man's body and I learned no that's

really not there are a lot of women out

there who really want a manly man

ultimately Ned told most of his dates

that he was Nora many of the women

reacted angrily but usually just for a

little while some women wanted to

continue the relationship they remained

interested in pursuing something further

you know so whereas sexually yeah and

that was heterosexual women who that's

what I'm saying it's all up here because

they said well we connected and you know

there's something I really like you and

I don't care how many guys would do that

that's the difference between male and

sex female sexuality right there Nora

says she found differences not only in

sexuality and intimacy but in every Walk

of Life I'm in the market for a car and

take for example shopping for a new car

going in as Nora the sales pitch quickly

becomes flirt ious any guy that gets in

it's going to be like okay this girl I

want to date this girl just for a car

well well see I didn't say

I but going back to the same salesman as

Ned the tone was all business and the

talk was all about performance they have

the 3 l durch V6 engine and in the end a

personal touch for Nora the salesman

would never have offered Ned all right

thank you you're

welcome in Nora's final month says Ned

she upped the Annie infiltrating all

male inner sanctums but after 18 months

of deception she was unraveling and the

play acting at a men's Wilderness

encounter group would begin to scare her

one guy had chopped up a log pretending

it was his wife so I thought great you

know we're going to have axes and knives

so I was

terrified having survived strip clubs

dating and a

bingly Nora Vincent wanted Ned's last

day days to be among men only in private

and intimate

surroundings Nora elapsed Catholic

thought the cloistered inner world of a

monastery would be ideal Ned managed to

live for 3 weeks as a trainee the monks

she says were Pious smart men but they

were still men what made it

prototypically male what do you mean by

that the breakdown in communication the

the the need the desperate need for male

intimacy and the lack of ability to give

it really painful Norah says the monks

were hostile to her feminine side she

says she was ostracized because of the

monks assumptions about her sexual

orientation Ned was really at the center

of it because he was an effeminate man

and many of them thought I was gay as

one of them told me in confession you

know I said I have something to confess

to you and he said well I think I know

what it is and and I said what and he

said well you're gay and I said well

yeah but not in the way you think

loneliness can't hide Nora thought the

perfect end to her 18-month Saga was to

join a menonly Therapy Group a place

where guys tried to bond and show their

emotions instead of hiding them they

don't get to show the weakness they

don't get to show the affection

especially with each other and so so

often all of their emotions are shown in

Rage and they kept talking about their

rage often their rage toward women and

what they would do physically and

violently towards women right a lot of

this was blowing off steam it's sort of

talking about things that need to be

said that you know you would never do I

mean you know they would talk about

fantasizing about chopping up their

wives or something it's not that they

would ever do that but it was a way to

get out the blackest thoughts he doesn't

like doing that work but he can't quit

Nora began to empathize with the fear

and stress men feel for having to always

be the strong provider the therapy

leader psychologist John gorelli saw

Ned's shyness as typical of a newbie

coming to Brave the group a lot of of

the guys spoke to me after the retreat

and said talking to him I felt like I

was talking to somebody

feminine once again some group members

thought Ned was gay but no one suspected

he was a

woman after eight sessions the group

went on a back country retreat but

Norah's 18 months of being an impostor

was closing in on her the pressure of

being someone that you're not and being

the fear of Discovery and the deceit

that it involves piles up and PES up so

by the time I got around to doing this

men's group it was really reaching

critical critical

mass on the retreat her fear became

palpable and I was out in the woods with

a bunch of guys who have rage issues

about women and I was in Drag and I

thought oh God you know what am I doing

Nora was unraveling she felt guilty

about lying as though she should be

punished in the final ritual of the

weekend the men were to act out about

the problems Unearthed at the retreat

with a partner and you asked that he

harm you yeah yeah I did at that point I

was starting to really kind of crack up

I was really you were coming unglued

yeah you were asking this guy to cut you

to cut me so self-mutilation is is very

much a female thing and I think it was

my way of of paying the penalty for what

I I felt I had done Nora was not harmed

physically but she continued her

emotional sent and a week later checked

into a hospital with severe depression

identity she concluded was not something

to play around with when you mess around

with that you really mess around with

something that you you need that helps

you to function and I found out that

gender lives in your brain and it's

something much more than costume and I

really learned that the hard way Nora

says she's healed now and glad to be rid

of Ned but her views about men have

changed forever men are suffering they

have different problems than women have

but they don't have it better they need

our sympathy they need our love and they

need each other more than anything else

they need to be together do you think

women understand what it's like to be a

man not at all no clue no idea John

gorelli thinks Norah's conclusions that

men are just as emotionally vulnerable

as women are important and will be taken

seriously because they came from a woman

I said to her this is going to be

revolutionary because it's been looked

at as though men were the perpetrators

and women were the victims this is and

now one last identity switch War aeli

has never come face to face with the

real Nora hi John I'm Nora hi

wow Ru teaches so we can never come to

the meeting so and both John and Nora

are happy she is a she the irony is not

lost on Nora that it took a trip into

manhood to help her appreciate her own

own femininity I'm so much closer to

myself than I ever was that I really

like me I really like being me and I

really like being a woman did you like

being a woman before N I did but I like

it more now cuz I think it's more of a

privilege that's perfect right there

that's awesome like

[Music]

that

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