Master Your Desires to Master Your Life: Stoic and Buddhist Secrets to Desire Modulation

Summary

In this insightful discussion, the speaker explores the concept of desire and its impact on personal motivation and happiness. They emphasize the importance of aligning desires with one's values to avoid suffering and achieve true fulfillment. The conversation delves into techniques for managing desires, such as cognitive restructuring and the use of psychological triggers, and contrasts intrinsic and extrinsic motivations. The speaker also shares personal practices for maintaining focus and productivity, highlighting the significance of aligning actions with one's core values and passions.

Takeaways

• 🧘 Desires can be a driving force, but attachments to specific outcomes can lead to suffering.
• 🔄 It's important to evaluate desires to see if they align with one's values to avoid negative outcomes and inner conflict.
• 🚦 The concept of 'Rogue desires' can cause problems, leading to biased actions and suffering; managing them is key.
• 🌱 Desires can be reshaped to align with what truly brings pride and self-admiration.
• 🚦 Traffic example illustrates how unmanaged desires can cause suffering, suggesting the need for desire management.
• 🍭 The Walter Michel Marshmallow Test is mentioned as a metaphor for learning to delay gratification and manage desires.
• 🤔 Methods to balance desires include distraction and reinterpretation to avoid immediate gratification for long-term values.
• 🏃‍♂️ People who seem unmotivated might have conflicting desires, and aligning them can lead to increased motivation.
• 📝 The speaker prefers 'trigger-based habits' over fixed routines, using psychological triggers to initiate actions.
• 📆 Regularly revisiting a virtues list is suggested, but not daily, to avoid it becoming a chore and losing its impact.
• 🌟 The importance of aligning actions with intrinsic motivations and passions is emphasized over extrinsic rewards.

Q & A

What is the main issue with having attachments to specific outcomes?

Attachments to specific outcomes can cause suffering because they lead to disappointment when we fail to achieve them and often result in realizing that achieving them doesn't actually bring happiness.

How can examining our desires help us align with our values?

By examining our desires, we can identify which ones align with our values and which ones distract from them. This allows us to rework our desires to ensure they support our values and promote self-admiration.

What is the psychological impact of having conflicting desires?

Conflicting desires can cause paralysis, where individuals feel stuck and unable to move forward because their desires are pulling them in opposing directions.

How can the marshmallow test be interpreted as a method for managing desires?

The marshmallow test illustrates the ability to delay gratification, which is a skill in managing desires. Children who resist the marshmallow are employing psychological methods to alter or lower their desire for immediate gratification.

What is the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation according to the transcript?

Intrinsic motivation comes from a person's internal desires and passions, while extrinsic motivation is driven by external rewards like money or social status. Intrinsic motivation is more sustainable and less likely to lead to burnout.

Why is it beneficial to have our goals determined by our values rather than our desires?

Goals determined by values provide a more stable and meaningful direction. They help in using desires as fuel to achieve those goals without being overwhelmed by the 'hot motivational pulling force' of desires.

What is the role of Stoicism in managing desires according to the discussion?

Stoicism offers principles to help manipulate our desires, either by increasing or decreasing them, to align with our values and reduce suffering. It suggests controlling desires rather than trying to satisfy them all.

How can practices like gratitude help in managing desires?

Gratitude helps by increasing our appreciation for what we have and decreasing our desires for what we don't have, thus resetting our focus and reducing the tendency to take things for granted.

What is the concept of 'trigger-based habits' mentioned in the transcript?

'Trigger-based habits' are habits that are activated by specific psychological triggers or thoughts. They involve developing behaviors or thoughts in response to certain mental cues to better manage one's actions and reactions.

Why might regularly reviewing a list of virtues lose its effectiveness over time?

Regularly reviewing a list of virtues can become routine and lose its impact if it turns into a chore. The value of such a practice diminishes when it no longer feels meaningful or engaging.

How does the idea of 'taking your seat in the theater of life' relate to finding one's values?

The phrase 'taking your seat in the theater of life' suggests finding one's purpose and place in life by uncovering one's true values and nature. This alignment with one's intrinsic values can lead to a sense of fulfillment and direction.

Outlines

00:00

🌱 Understanding Desires and Aligning Them with Values

The speaker discusses how desires can both motivate and cause suffering. Desires tied to specific outcomes often lead to disappointment or dissatisfaction, even when achieved. The speaker emphasizes the importance of evaluating desires to ensure they align with one's values, which reduces internal conflict and promotes self-respect. They also explore how unregulated desires can lead to anxiety, using a traffic scenario to illustrate the tension between desire and reality. Techniques for managing desires, like lowering or reframing them, are introduced, along with the example of the marshmallow test, where delaying gratification is seen as a way to align desires with long-term values.

05:00

🛠 Practices and Trigger-Based Habits for Personal Growth

The speaker explains their approach to habits, highlighting a preference for 'trigger-based' habits rather than rigid routines. They use psychological triggers to initiate actions like journaling pessimistic thoughts or shifting mindsets. While basic daily habits like hygiene and exercise remain, the speaker has moved away from extensive self-help routines, finding that triggers activated by certain thoughts or behaviors create a more adaptable and effective personal growth system.

10:01

🎯 Reflecting on Virtues and Avoiding Habit Fatigue

The speaker talks about the importance of reviewing one's virtues and values periodically, rather than daily, as constant repetition can lose its impact. They share a past experience of reading a mission statement every day and how it eventually became a chore. Instead, they prefer to reflect on values less frequently, adjusting them every few years. These values guide important life decisions, such as choosing not to become a manager despite the potential benefits, as it doesn’t align with their strengths or values.

15:03

🌿 Gratitude and Desire Regulation in Stoicism

In this section, the speaker connects Stoicism with modern psychology to explain how practices like gratitude, negative visualization, and perspective shifts help regulate desires. Rather than trying to fulfill all desires, these techniques help reframe desires and reduce the focus on unattainable goals. The speaker emphasizes that controlling desires rather than seeking to satisfy every want is a more effective path to contentment, aligning closely with Stoic principles.

⚖️ Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation

The speaker delves into the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, emphasizing that intrinsic desires—those that align with passions and core values—are far more sustainable and motivating. Extrinsic motivations, like seeking money or social status, can not only demotivate but also hinder performance. They advocate for centering one's life around intrinsic motivations, using extrinsic rewards sparingly, and aligning desires with values to prevent burnout.

💡 Values, Virtue, and Living in Agreement with Nature

The speaker reflects on the importance of understanding and aligning with one's values, which they believe are deeply rooted in evolutionary and biological factors. Rather than designing new values, they advocate for uncovering inherent virtues that naturally motivate and align with personal and societal well-being. This process is described as discovering one's role in life, fitting into a larger system, and living in accordance with nature.

Keywords

💡Desire

Desire refers to a strong feeling of wanting or wishing for something to happen. In the context of the video, desire is discussed as a driving force that can lead to both motivation and suffering. The speaker emphasizes the importance of aligning desires with one's values to avoid the negative consequences of unfulfilled or misguided desires. For instance, the speaker mentions 'Rogue desires' causing problems and suggests reworking them to align with what truly makes one proud.

💡Attachment

Attachment in this video script refers to a deep sense of connection or identification with certain outcomes or desires. The speaker argues that being attached to specific outcomes can lead to suffering, as it causes distress when those outcomes are not achieved or when achieving them does not result in the anticipated happiness. This concept is integral to the theme of managing desires to reduce unnecessary suffering.

💡Values

Values are principles or standards of behavior that act as guidelines for making decisions. The video discusses how values should guide one's desires and actions. Aligning desires with one's values is presented as a method for achieving a sense of pride and self-admiration. The speaker gives an example of evaluating desires to see which ones pull one towards or away from their values, such as the desire to be stuck in traffic versus the desire for freedom of movement.

💡Suffering

Suffering in this context is the experience of pain, distress, or hardship. The script connects suffering to unmanaged desires, suggesting that desires that are not aligned with one's values or that are too strong can lead to suffering. The speaker discusses how to manage desires to reduce suffering, such as by reinterpreting the significance of the object of desire or by employing psychological techniques to lower the intensity of desire.

💡Rogue desires

Rogue desires are desires that are not aligned with one's values or long-term goals and can cause problems by creating biases or leading to actions that one later regrets. The term is used in the script to describe desires that run counter to one's best interests, causing internal conflict and potentially leading to suffering. The speaker advises examining these rogue desires and reworking them to align with one's values.

💡Motivation

Motivation is the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way. In the video, motivation is discussed in relation to desires, with the speaker suggesting that desires can either drive action positively when aligned with values or hinder action when conflicting desires pull one in multiple directions. The concept is used to explain why some people may appear unmotivated or 'lazy' due to conflicting desires.

💡Stoicism

Stoicism is a school of Hellenistic philosophy that teaches that the path to virtue is found in accepting whatever happens without being overwhelmed by irrational emotions. In the script, Stoicism is mentioned as a philosophy that provides methods for managing desires, such as through gratitude, negative visualization, and the view from above. The speaker discusses how Stoic principles can be used to manipulate desires to reduce suffering and increase contentment.

💡Intrinsic motivation

Intrinsic motivation refers to the internal factors, such as personal interest or enjoyment, that drive individuals to perform an action. The video script contrasts intrinsic motivation with extrinsic motivation, suggesting that intrinsic desires are more sustainable and fulfilling in the long term. The speaker advises using intrinsic motivation for tasks that are intellectually stimulating and align with one's values.

💡Extrinsic motivation

Extrinsic motivation is the external rewards or pressures that drive individuals to perform an action, such as money, social status, or recognition. The script discusses how extrinsic motivation can be less effective and even detrimental to performance compared to intrinsic motivation. The speaker suggests that while extrinsic motivation can be used for instrumental tasks, it should not be the sole driving force behind one's actions.

💡Gratitude

Gratitude is the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. In the video, gratitude is presented as a practice that can help regulate desires by increasing appreciation for what one already has and decreasing desires for what one lacks. The speaker suggests that a weekly gratitude practice can help reset the balance and bring desires into alignment with values.

💡Desire regulation

Desire regulation is the process of managing and controlling one's desires to achieve a state of contentment and reduce suffering. The script discusses various methods of desire regulation, such as Stoic exercises, cognitive restructuring, and the practice of gratitude. The speaker emphasizes the importance of desire regulation in achieving a harmonious life where one's actions are aligned with their values and true desires.

Highlights

Desire modulation is a key step in personal development, but it's not about having no desires at all.

Attachments to specific outcomes can lead to suffering, both when we fail and when we achieve them.

Rogue desires can create biases, lead to actions we're not proud of, and result in suffering.

Reworking desires to align with personal values can lead to self-admiration and happiness.

Desires can cause suffering, such as the anxiety experienced when stuck in traffic.

Desire modulation involves finding ways to balance or lower desires to reduce suffering.

The marshmallow test illustrates the importance of delaying gratification and aligning desires with values.

Children who can resist marshmallows longer are employing psychological methods to alter or lower desires.

Methods for balancing desires include distraction and reinterpreting the value of the desired object.

Conflicting desires can lead to a lack of motivation and a feeling of paralysis.

Aligning desires can result in increased motivation and productivity.

Trigger-based habits are more effective than a rigid morning routine for personal development.

Reviewing virtues or values periodically is more impactful than daily rituals.

Stoic principles can help manipulate desires to increase or decrease them.

Gratitude can be used as a tool to increase desires for what we already have and decrease those for what we don't.

Buddhist concepts like 'non-self' can be viewed as methods for desire regulation.

Intrinsic motivations are more sustainable and effective than extrinsic motivations.

Extrinsic motivations can actually hurt performance and damage effectiveness.

Using intrinsic desire for creative tasks and extrinsic motivation for instrumental tasks can be effective.

Goals should be determined by values rather than desires to avoid the strain and suffering associated with desires.

Discovering one's true nature and values can lead to a wellspring of intrinsic motivation.

Transcripts

[Music]

you mentioned a moment ago uh desire

modulation was part of these steps I

know we skipped a few steps but you're

talking about uh seeing your desires and

then changing them can you what are you

referencing there like what's isn't

desire part of the thing that helps us

you know get out of bed and be motivated

to accomplish something sure yeah I'm

not an advocate for having no desires at

all and I I actually you know a lot of

people interpret like Buddhism that way

and I don't think that's really what

it's about either but um attachments to

specific outcomes uh will cause us to

suffer

both when we fail to achieve those

outcomes because we didn't have that

control in the first place and very

often when we achieve them and realize

that wasn't what we wanted in the first

place that that doesn't actually make us

happy so we have a lot of Rogue desires

sort of running around in our heads uh

causing problems they they create biases

they cause us to take actions we're not

proud of and they result in suffering

and so I think it's best to look at your

desires and and say um you know which

which of these are actually pulling me

in the direction of my values and which

ones are sort of pulling me away from

them or distracting from that aim and

then you you essentially want to rework

them until all of your desires are sort

of in general alignment with what

actually makes you proud of yourself and

and admire yourself and that's that's

getting into the message of the new book

a little bit but in general um going

through and saying okay what what desire

is causing me to suffer here well okay

I'm in traffic right now I want to I

want to be moving and I'm stuck here um

you know you can you will you will

suffer and you'll experience anxiety and

anger if you don't do something about

that desire and it just keeps pushing

and saying I don't want to be stuck in

traffic and so you can go in and and

sort of channel the feeling that you

might get if you're stuck at a red light

um and and then it turns green but

actually you were doing something you

wanted more time at the red light and

then you're like oh no I have to put my

phone down or whatever and so there are

there are sort of ways to balance out

your desires or to lower your desires um

you know if you um if we look at like

the the the Walter michell marshmallow

test um where you know we kind of

learned that children who are better

able to delay gratification have better

you know life outcomes long term um

ultimately what the children who are

able to resist a marshmallow for longer

are doing is is they're employing

psychological methods to alter or lower

those desires because they know uh it

aligns more with their values on some

level um to wait and and do what they

were asked to right get a second

marshmallow or whatever the reward is so

you can you know distract yourself is

that them uh thinking about the their

values and what aligns with it or is it

they might just think they're going to

get more marshmallows if

agreed agreed could that just be greed

they're just smarter about manipulating

their greed right well and it's all

about getting what what will actually

make you happier but um not caving into

the thing that you kind of know won't

make you happier but you just your

desires really want and so I think you

know uh the kids who did that

successfully were distracting themselves

uh playing with a toy uh you know

another option is to reinterpret the way

you think about the the marshmallow or

whatever the thing you you want is um so

there are lots of lots of methods for

getting these desires to work with you

instead of against you I also think a

lot of people who appear unmotivated in

their lives who think they are lazy or

they just can't you know get anything

done are actually people with a lot of

conflicting desires and so they're

they're pointing in sort of opposing

directions and keeping them what appears

to be standing still but if you could

just get those desires to line up you

would find yourself to be an incredibly

motivated person um so it's it's just a

matter of developing greater control

over these individual uh wants that's

interesting sometimes um I find myself

and I see this in my wife too where it's

almost

like paralysis by analysis like you got

so much stuff that you want to do to do

and they're all pointing different

directions and it's kind of like

like um it makes it hard to take step a

step forward so you'd rather just like

ignore the whole list

um yeah so but taking the time to

analyze those with like a different from

a different angle of your mind allows

you to kind of direct the traffic a

little bit better and um make a more

efficient way to get through the to-do

list or whatever

what are some rituals or practices or

things that you do on a regular

basis yeah this is a good question so I

I've sort of gone through the whole like

self-help personal Improvement habits uh

phase in my life where I had like was

trying to stack like 20 habits in my

morning routine and what I found is I

really prefer what you might call

trigger based habits and this is

something where when I have a certain

kind of thought uh I try to build a

either another hot thought or um you

know a certain Behavior like writing it

down in a in a journal app based on that

thought and so on any given day I've got

these you know kind of triggers going

off in my brain saying oh I just had

like a pessimistic thought uh how do I

approach that what do I do about that do

I write this down in kind of a cognitive

log um do I try to replace it with this

other thought and so um I've pretty much

gotten to where aside from like the

basic hygiene things I don't have a lot

that I do every day I work out regularly

I I take a shower in the morning brush

my teeth that kind of thing um but I

don't have like the seven like cold

shower meditation like all the all the

typical self-help things and I found

that uh really building good systems

that that are sort of activated by

certain psychological triggers have been

the most helpful thing for

me do you review your virtues on a

regular basis is that something that you

like to look at Daily then and sense of

like oh yeah that's that's that's what

I'm aiming for every

day I actually at one point had a

mission statement that I would read out

loud to myself every day and what I

found is anytime you have something like

that that you do every day it kind of

becomes a chore and it loses its power

after a couple months so I I like to

revisit my um my sort of Virtues list

and make changes every like 3 years or

so and I will you know obviously check

back in with it periodically throughout

um but it's always on my mind I'm always

conscious of it as I'm making decisions

you know I have an the option of like

hiring a team right now and becoming

basically a manager and I don't think

that would bring out my greatest

strengths so I'm I'm staying solo for

the time being uh even though you know

it might speed things up to build this

whole team I want to really make sure

I'm bringing out my strengths the best I

can and I think I'm doing that uh the

way I'm doing it now is the best way to

do that so it's a a big part of my

considerations

yeah I I love that Insight because so

often that's all we're hearing right now

is go go go do more cold plunges do more

gratitude journaling then you'll be

successful and so it's always neat to

see how other high performers are doing

things and saying listen you can be just

as successful or do whatever you don't

need to do that so I really value just

that Insight that and kind of your path

too because I go down the

self-development path myself and just go

go go and oh this is the new thing I got

to add now my morning habits taking me

two hours it used to only take me one so

um it's it's yeah it's nice to hear that

what other people are doing that's why I

asked that

question I write about this in in one of

the chapters of the book and I did a

piece for modern stoicism recently where

I talked about uh stoicism and desire

regulation um and it's kind of an a

different angle to look at it that um

kind of connects more to Modern

psychology it's this idea that many of

these stoic principles are actually

meant to help us

manipulate our own desires either

increase a desire or decrease it right

and and so I kind of go through uh these

different methods right gratitude right

negative

visualization uh the view from above

that that you were referencing early the

earlier these different uh thought

experiments or mindsets or exercises uh

they can be used to tame your desires so

you know the traditional way of dealing

with desires of course is to just try to

get everything you want and that's the

sort of grasping controlling approach

that that tends to be problematic right

if you actually try to control the

desires themselves rather than trying to

get everything you want you can you can

get what you want much more easily

without the strain and and the suffering

that we tend to think goes along with

our desires right so you know gratitude

is a great way it's a it's a great Habit

to build like a weekly gratitude

practice simply because it increases

your desires for what you already have

and decreases your desires for what you

don't have because so often that's our

problem we're essentially taking for

granted all the things that we already

have and all the good things about our

lives and we're we're blowing all the

things we don't have way out of

proportion so this kind of resets that

and puts it in proper proportion right

you know you can view Buddhist ideas

like non self right the idea that that

the self is an illusion you can view

that as a a desire regulation method as

well because when when someone insults

us the reason why we get upset is

because we have this identity construct

that we feel is hurt right someone

someone has damaged who we are as a

person and when you kind of distance

yourself from that notion of self when

you step back and say okay well uh this

is all a lot more complex than that you

know a person is not story right there's

a there's all these different uh

complexities you you can turn down that

desire to be uh this this perfect

individual that no one would ever

criticize right so there there are all

these different methods for um it's kind

of controlling and not controlling

simultaneously because you're you're

grasping less uh over what you want but

you're also domesticating your desires I

talk about the difference between

intrinsic and extrinsic

motivation right it's been found that

extrinsic motivations like like you know

the desire to make money or get more

social status or more Facebook likes or

whatever it is that that is H exciting

you um these are actually not only less

motivating than intrinsic desires but

they can actually hurt performance they

they can actually damage your

Effectiveness if you're getting rewarded

in these intrinsic way in these

extrinsic

ways so the question becomes do you

fully commit to your intrinsic desires

to your own motivations that that are

sort of the deepest within you and your

passions right or do you just force

yourself to do things that you don't

want to do all the time and find ways to

motivate yourself and I think the answer

get that extrinsic goal like you yeah

yeah I love this right yeah so I think

the answer is that you're never going to

be able to sustain longterm uh a bunch

of desires for for things you don't

actually want or a bunch of motivation

for things you don't actually want to do

if your whole life is centered around uh

doing things that you don't find

Pleasant uh then it's not going to work

you're you're GNA burn out before long

um so I think the answer is that you

need to factor your sort of deepest

motivations and passions into the path

that you take and you really want to use

intrinsic desire to achieve these um

these creative you know actually

intellectually stimulating tasks and

then sometimes you'll need to use

extrinsic motivation you'll need this

sort of carrot and Stick Motivation in

order to do the instrumental tasks that

you need to achieve that big uh

intrinsic goal right but ultimately I

think you know what I kind of lay out as

a method for actually setting these

goals is that you really don't want your

desires to have anything to do with them

you really want your values to be this

sort of top level determinant of your

goals and I think you know it can be

hard to distinguish at times but but I

think desires have this sort of hot

motivational pulling Force they're

they're like these screams that you

can't ignore and your values are often

the The Whispers that are hard to notice

but if you can get in touch with those

values and and that person that you

really want to be and then you set the

goals below that the the individual sub

goals to achieve what you need to you

can use your desires as the fuel to get

yourself there and you can use in uh

intrinsic motivation or you can use

cared and stick rewards whenever you

think it'll be the most effective way to

achieve those goals yeah yeah no I I

like all of that you know I like the

intrinsic extrinsic dichotomy there I

think that it it definitely fit get into

a lot of what we talk about when it

comes to say you know the dichotomy of

control what can you really control pull

it back in you know within yourself

there and and I think that it also plays

into this idea of living in agreement

with with with nature I don't want to

read into it just into you know the

philosophy that we're talking about here

stoicism but um but it definitely makes

sense that you would want to remove the

Clutter and find out what it is that you

as a person in your nature is is really

looking for and I like that you I think

you used the phrase to get in touch with

your values and and I I much prefer that

you know to say something like you to

redesign your values because it's it's

you know there there are some I I think

that there's well I've been convinced

lately that there is like a real

biological element to um an evolutionary

element to to Virtue and and to you know

higher of values that if you're able to

uncover within yourself it's almost as

if you you find like a Wellspring of

intrinsic motivation because you realize

that that's that's the really important

stuff that is going to move you forward

and so you know you you you know you put

your life together in such a way that

that your internal nature and your

values are working for the good of of

you know of your culture and of the

people around you and and and that's how

you kind of fit into this this to this

uh you fit into the system into which

you were born you know by by uncovering

what it is that you're really you really

are deep down and seeing how you can

bring that out um to a greater extent I

think I think I like what Sharon leel

says she says um it's like taking your

seat in the theater of life you know and

finally finding out what it is that

you're supposed to be doing where you're

supposed to be going

m