Bettina Arndt 'Why sex matters so much to men' at Happiness & Its Causes 2011

Summary

In this insightful and candid talk, a renowned sex therapist delves into the complex dynamics of sexual desire and mismatched libido between men and women. Drawing from personal experiences and a wide range of survey responses, the speaker highlights the frustration and emotional toll on couples when desire doesn't align. She explores various factors influencing sexual intimacy, including age, stress, and communication, and discusses strategies to bridge the gap, such as scheduling intimacy and the concept of 'just doing it.' The talk emphasizes the importance of maintaining connection and open communication to preserve long-term happiness in relationships.

Takeaways

• 😀 The mismatch in sexual desire between men and women is a common and significant issue in relationships, leading to frustration and tension.
• 😀 Many women experience low desire over time due to various factors such as stress, resentment, and emotional distance, which creates difficulties in maintaining intimacy.
• 😀 Men often view sex not just as a physical need but as an emotional connection with their partners, which makes rejection particularly painful.
• 😀 The concept of ‘just do it’—putting sex on the to-do list—is proposed as a way to address lack of spontaneous desire and to maintain a connection in relationships.
• 😀 Some women report frustration with unwanted sexual advances, with many using avoidance tactics like pretending to sleep or pretending to read.
• 😀 Women's libido can fluctuate over time, often being strong at the beginning of a relationship but decreasing as time passes, which contrasts with men’s generally more consistent sexual desire.
• 😀 Men have significantly higher testosterone levels than women, contributing to their consistent sexual drive and need for sexual expression as a way to relax or escape stress.
• 😀 The importance of communication about sex in relationships is emphasized, with couples needing to discuss their desires, boundaries, and frustrations openly to maintain intimacy and happiness.
• 😀 Women may not always feel like having sex when stressed, but men often use sex as an emotional release from their worries and anxieties.
• 😀 There is a growing recognition that women can enjoy sex even if they don't initially desire it, with arousal sometimes occurring once sexual activity begins.
• 😀 Aging and health issues, such as prostate cancer or erectile dysfunction, can significantly affect sexual relationships, highlighting the importance of adapting to changing needs and maintaining open communication.

Q & A

What is the primary topic discussed in the speech?

The primary topic of the speech is the connection between sex, happiness, and frustration in relationships, particularly focusing on the issue of mismatched sexual desire between men and women.

How does the speaker describe the issue of mismatched sexual desire in relationships?

The speaker explains that mismatched sexual desire is a common issue, with women often having lower sexual desire than men. This discrepancy leads to frustration, loneliness, and emotional tension within relationships.

What are some of the personal stories shared by the speaker to illustrate this issue?

The speaker shares personal stories from a survey, including one where a man, exhausted from always initiating sex, stopped initiating altogether, and as a result, the couple has not had sex in eight years. Another story describes a woman who uses tricks to avoid unwanted sex.

What is the significance of 'damp wood' as described by the speaker?

The term 'damp wood' is used to describe women’s libido, which requires ideal conditions to ignite. This metaphor illustrates how many women need emotional connection, relaxation, and a conducive environment to feel sexual desire.

What does the speaker say about men and their consistent sexual desire?

The speaker highlights that men, due to higher testosterone levels, tend to have a more consistent sexual desire throughout their lives. This contrasts with women, whose desire fluctuates more based on emotional and physical factors.

How does the speaker explain the difference in how men and women use sex in response to stress?

The speaker explains that many men use sex as a way to relieve stress, while women, especially under stress, tend not to feel sexual desire. This difference in coping mechanisms adds to the mismatch in sexual needs between partners.

What approach does the speaker suggest to couples struggling with mismatched desire?

The speaker suggests the 'Just Do It' approach, where couples, especially women, are encouraged to schedule or initiate sex even if they do not feel spontaneous desire, in order to maintain intimacy and avoid leaving the partner feeling rejected.

What role does communication play in maintaining sexual intimacy in relationships?

The speaker emphasizes that open communication is crucial for preserving sexual intimacy. Couples need to discuss their desires, frustrations, and emotional needs to ensure they remain connected and avoid misunderstandings.

How does aging and health impact sexual desire, according to the speaker?

Aging and health conditions, such as prostate cancer, can significantly impact sexual function and desire. Men, in particular, may face challenges with erectile function, and these changes require couples to adapt to new realities in their sexual lives.

What does the speaker mean by 'the world is full of Mrs. Gorskis'?

The speaker uses the term 'Mrs. Gorskis' to refer to women who feel entitled to reject sex in relationships. This term, though rooted in an urban myth, highlights how some women may shut off sexual intimacy if they are not interested, without fully considering the impact on their partner.