Accountability is a love language | Tafadzwa Bete Sasa | TEDxLusaka
Summary
TLDRThis speech shares a personal story about overcoming academic struggles through accountability. The speaker reflects on how an initial failure in university led to a pivotal conversation with their HR director, Mrs. Gapari, who emphasized the importance of creating a plan for improvement. This lesson of accountability, learned in that moment, became a cornerstone of the speaker's personal development and career as a high-performance coach. The message encourages having tough, yet caring conversations to address problems and create solutions, framing accountability as a powerful tool for growth and a 'love language' that helps others succeed.
Takeaways
- 📚 The speaker faced academic failure and had to confront the consequences with their scholarship provider.
- 🤝 Mrs. Gapari, the HR director, instead of punishing, challenged the speaker to reflect and devise a plan to improve.
- 🎬 The speaker realized they failed not due to partying, but because they struggled with the transition to university life and mismanaged their time watching Bollywood movies.
- 📈 The speaker and Mrs. Gapari collaboratively created a plan that led to academic recovery and graduation with good grades.
- 💡 The speaker discovered the value of 'accountability conversations' which are crucial for personal development and professional coaching.
- 🗣️ Accountability conversations involve addressing issues directly with kindness and firmness, rather than ignoring or avoiding them.
- 👥 These conversations are essential at various levels of society, from personal health to family issues and workplace performance.
- 🔍 The speaker emphasizes the importance of not normalizing deviations from expected behaviors or standards.
- 🤔 The process of accountability conversations involves asking 'what happened', holding space for reflection, and creating a plan for improvement.
- ❤️ Accountability is presented as a form of love language, showing care by guiding someone to correct their course through constructive dialogue.
Q & A
What was the speaker's initial reaction to their first semester results?
-The speaker was shocked by their first semester results, which included one distinction, three low passes, and two fails.
Why did the speaker feel the need to show their results to Mrs. Gapari?
-The speaker had to show their results to Mrs. Gapari, the HR director, because they were a scholarship student and had to report their performance to her.
What was Mrs. Gapari's initial response to the speaker's poor results?
-Mrs. Gapari was surprised and expressed that the results were unlike the speaker, questioning what had happened to cause such a deviation from their usual performance.
What was the main reason behind the speaker's academic struggles during that semester?
-The speaker struggled to navigate the transition from a highly structured boarding school to the freedom of university, leading to a lack of self-management and excessive watching of Bollywood movies.
What was the speaker's initial plan to improve their academic performance?
-The speaker's initial plan was to simply 'study harder,' without a specific strategy or timeline.
How did Mrs. Gapari challenge the speaker's plan to 'study harder'?
-Mrs. Gapari pushed back on the speaker's vague plan by asking for specifics such as when, how long, and where the studying would take place, indicating that a more detailed and actionable plan was needed.
What is the 'gift of accountability' mentioned by the speaker?
-The 'gift of accountability' refers to the willingness to have open and honest conversations about issues, addressing problems directly with kindness and firmness, which the speaker learned from Mrs. Gapari and now uses in their work as a high-performance coach.
Why is it important to ask 'What happened?' in an accountability conversation?
-Asking 'What happened?' is crucial as it acknowledges the existence of a problem and is the first step towards identifying the behaviors and choices that led to the issue, which is necessary for finding a solution.
What is the significance of 'holding the space' in accountability conversations?
-Holding the space involves suspending judgment and assumptions, creating a safe environment for the person to reflect on their actions without becoming defensive, which is essential for understanding what truly happened and fostering self-awareness.
Why is the question 'So what's the plan?' important in accountability conversations?
-This question is important because it moves the conversation from identifying problems to creating a concrete and actionable recovery plan, which details what needs to change, what behaviors need to start or stop, and how to achieve different results.
How does the speaker view accountability as a form of love?
-The speaker views accountability as a form of love because it involves caring enough to intervene, suspend judgment, and support someone in understanding and improving their situation, which is a loving and empowering act.
Outlines
📚 Struggling with Academic Transition
The speaker recounts their academic struggles during their first semester of undergraduate studies, where they received poor grades, including one distinction, three low passes, and two fails. As a scholarship student, they had to face the consequences with their parents and the HR director, Mrs. Gapari. After a tense meeting, Mrs. Gapari gave the speaker a chance to reflect on their performance and come up with a plan to improve. The speaker realized they had not been managing their time well, indulging in Bollywood movies instead of studying. They returned to Mrs. Gapari with a commitment to work harder, which she challenged them to define more specifically. Together, they created a plan that led to the speaker's successful graduation. The speaker reflects on the importance of accountability conversations, which they now use as a high-performance coach to help others.
🗣️ The Power of Accountability Conversations
The speaker emphasizes the significance of addressing issues directly, likening ignored problems to 'elephants in the room.' They discuss how individuals and communities often avoid confronting difficult topics, such as personal health, family issues, or workplace performance, which can lead to severe consequences if left unaddressed. The speaker suggests that accountability conversations are a solution to these problems, involving asking two key questions: 'What happened?' and 'So, what's the plan?' The first question acknowledges the existence of a problem and prompts reflection on the behaviors and choices that led to it. The second question encourages the creation of a concrete plan for improvement. The speaker also highlights the importance of 'holding the space' during these conversations, which means suspending judgment and creating a safe environment for open dialogue and self-awareness.
❤️ Accountability as a Love Language
In the final paragraph, the speaker describes accountability conversations as a form of love language. They argue that by addressing problems and helping others recognize their destructive patterns, we show care and support. The speaker shares that asking 'What's the plan?' in accountability conversations allows individuals to take stock of what needs to change and to develop a recovery plan. They conclude by encouraging the audience to practice accountability with themselves, their loved ones, colleagues, and community, viewing it as an act of love that can lead to positive change and growth.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Accountability
💡Scholarship
💡Transition
💡Performance
💡Freedom
💡Plan
💡Self-awareness
💡Elephant in the room
💡Deviation
💡Normalization
💡Love Language
Highlights
The speaker received shocking academic results and had to face the consequences with their scholarship provider.
The HR director, Mrs. Gapari, gave the speaker a chance to improve instead of immediately terminating the scholarship.
The speaker realized they struggled with the transition from a structured boarding school to the freedom of university.
Watching Bollywood movies was identified as the main distraction from studies.
The speaker committed to studying harder but was challenged to define what 'working harder' meant.
A detailed plan was created with Mrs. Capara to ensure academic improvement.
The plan was successful, and the speaker graduated with good grades.
The concept of 'accountability conversations' is introduced as a powerful tool for personal and professional development.
Accountability conversations involve tackling difficult issues with kindness and firmness.
The speaker highlights the importance of addressing problems before they escalate.
Examples of avoiding accountability in personal life, family, and work are discussed.
The cost of ignoring problems is illustrated through various negative outcomes.
The audience is encouraged to have accountability conversations to prevent further issues.
Two key questions are presented as a framework for accountability conversations: 'What happened?' and 'So, what's the plan?'
The first question, 'What happened?' is crucial for acknowledging problems and deviations from expectations.
The skill of 'holding the space' in conversations allows for a safe environment to discuss issues without judgment.
The final question, 'So, what's the plan?' is essential for creating a path forward and preventing future problems.
Accountability conversations are described as a form of love language, showing care by helping others improve.
The speaker concludes by encouraging the audience to start accountability conversations with themselves, loved ones, and communities.
Transcripts
[Music]
when i received my first semester
results for my undergraduate studies
i was shocked i had one distinction
three low passes and two fails
to make matters worse i was a
scholarship student
so over and above the dreaded talk with
my parents
i had another group of people to show
these terrible results to
so after what felt like hours of nervous
contemplation and restless passing
i finally gathered the guts to go and
meet the hr director
mrs gapari i walked into your office
handed her the print out then waited for
the storm
are these your results tuffy
what's happened i
i don't know ma'am
what do you mean you don't know this
results are really unlike you
what happened tuffy
i i don't know ma'am
the bot will not like this tuffy
okay let's do this take the weekend
go figure out what happened but most
importantly
come back to me with a plan on how we're
going to make sure that
this this can't happen again taffy
yes ma'am
relieved that my scholarship had not
been terminated on the
on the spot i could finally think about
what happened
and i figured it out no
i wasn't parting wildly and banking
classes to nurse hangovers
why are you so judgmental rather
i had just struggled to navigate the
transition
between my highly structured boarding
school and the freedom of university
no prefects no sirens no punishment
freedom so rather than managing myself
to create study sessions
i really enjoyed bollywood movies
so i spent a lot of time watching those
three hour movies
the ones with intermissions in between
so that's where the rules had fallen off
so i then figured to make sure that this
never happens again
i would study harder so i went back to
mrs capara and i told her
ma'am i know what i'm going to do
i'm going to work harder she was not
having it
she pushed back she challenged me to
define what working harder meant
she wanted to know when how long where
so finally we came up with a plan she
approved the plan
i worked the plan the plan worked i
graduated with good grades
for a while i knew that that
conversation had been critical
to my recovery from that bad semester
but it has taken me about a decade to
fully understand
the gift that mrs capara gave me on that
day
because over the last decade i've
continued to use the gift that she gave
me
for my personal development and to
achieve my goals
it has become one of the most highly
valued benefits of my work
as a high performance coach helping
young professionals to accelerate
their growth it has the tool that has
transformed the corporate teams that i
work with
to address poor performance and increase
productivity
it is the gift of accountability
conversations
the willingness to tackle the elephants
in the room
with kindness but firmness
and that is what i'm here to talk to you
about i'm here to extend the same gift
to you
so that you can pay it forward because
you might not have a failing student in
your life
but we are surrounded by people who are
struggling to navigate transitions
and we are not talking about it
at an individual level we will ignore
the growing numbers on the scale
or our personal debt preferring to bury
our heads in the sand and hope that by
some miracle it will self-resolve
as families we are not confronting
abusive uncles
rather talking about it in harsh tones
at family gatherings
in the workplace underperforming team
leaders are only discussed in the car
park
if they are in the meeting when we
discuss it it's a very generic beating
about the bush about how we all need to
do better
would i still be safe if i talked about
our ranting and raving on twitter
about inefficient public services whilst
we are too busy to show up for community
meetings
now i know that the ted audience are
good people
you don't do such things but by show of
hands let me know if you know some mere
motors around you
who practice this
it is happening and initially it might
look a bit harmless
except when we pay attention we
recognize that there is a prize we are
paying
because the ignored numbers on the scale
add up
to become an early death due to weight
related medical conditions
the personal debt escalates and ends up
in repossessed properties and kids
kicked out of school
the next family gathering is sadly
auntie's funeral
as she becomes just another statistic on
gender-based violence
underperforming team leaders cost us
market share talent
donors and organizations fold under poor
leadership
about digital active citizens who are
too busy to show up for
inefficient services well you're leaving
it
i won't go there so you would agree with
me
we have a problem and we need to talk
the good news is we also have a solution
and a significant part of that solution
is you
and i we are the people who can choose
to have accountability conversations
we are the people who can decide to
address the elephants in the room
to step in before it's too late to
salvage a situation
to ensure that the ending is different
for the next few minutes i will share
with you two questions
and one skill that i hope will prepare
you for the next accountability
conversation
when you find yourself in a room with an
elephant
so where do we start from we start by
asking the first question
which is what happened
what happened might seem like a
seemingly simple question
but within an accountability
conversation it is the first step
to acknowledging that there is a problem
it is a way of holding up the mirror to
flag a deviation
a deviation from a plan from the
expected
or from the known accountability is a
way for us to uphold
the norms and the standards because when
deviations are not
addressed they become normalized so when
we ask what happened
we are refusing to pretend that we
somehow got here by some miracle or some
misfortune
rather we are stating that it is
behaviors and choices that brought us
here
and the right people need to take
ownership for those decisions
it is only when people take ownership
that we can begin to solve the problems
that we have
so we begin accountability conversations
by asking
what's happened first question done
now the skill
if you just asked what happened well
done you learn fast
now let me tell you what happened i
practiced the skill
a critical skill in accountability
conversations
is holding the space because ordinarily
when things go wrong
outsiders come in with judgment and
accusations
i mean from our high horses of
perfectionism we can clearly see what
happened
we can see the selfishness the greed the
negligence the incompetence that brought
us into this situation
but guess what happens when people feel
an attack coming
they become defensive they are ready to
defend themselves
and justify the choices that they met
between judgment and defensiveness we
never really figure out what happened
hence the call to holding the space and
accountability conversations
the willingness to suspend our own
assumptions and judgment
and hopefully create a safe space enough
for
other people to also put down their
guilt and defensiveness
then reflect on what happened because
when we hold the space we allow people
not only to identify the behaviors
that cause the problem but they can go
deeper to develop self-awareness
to understand the needs the insecurities
that is keeping them in this cycle
so we ask what happened and then we hold
the space to allow people to figure out
what happened
now i can see some of you already
plotting your next accountability
conversation stay with me
they still want more questions to be
addressed the last question we ask in
accountability conversations
is so what's the plan remember my
intention was to work harder
but the plan detailed when how
and where when we ask what's the plan
we are giving people an opportunity to
fully take stock
of what needs to change
because it is good intentions with no
plans that keep people stuck in
destructive cycles
so when we ask people what's the plan we
are creating space for them to figure
out
what has to start and what stops instead
we are allowing them to figure out what
it is they need to give up
to get different results and that my
friends
is the power of accountability
conversations
it is the willingness to acknowledge
problems
to identify the behaviors that cause the
situation
and to create an informed recovery plan
on how we're going to improve
the best part for me about
accountability conversations
is that in a way it's a love language
because if you were on a slippery slope
and somebody pressed pause and showed
you that you're on a slippery slope
wouldn't you feel loved if somebody was
willing to suspend their judgment and
assumptions about your choices
and created a space safe enough for you
to figure out what happened
but empower you with self-awareness
isn't that love
rather than waiting for you to get
better if somebody was willing to
walk the journey of improvement with you
i would say that is love accountability
is a love language
so if the shoe fits start with yourself
then love your family and friends love
your colleagues and community
love your country hold them accountable
thank you
[Music]
you
Voir Plus de Vidéos Connexes
What is Accountability | Explained in 2 min
Do medo à confiança: A tímida que ama falar em público | Lena Souza | TEDxBomRetiro
How to create a high performance culture | Andrew Sillitoe | TEDxRoyalTunbridgeWells
This Is How You Become More Articulate
J.K. Rowling Speaks at Harvard Commencement
I'll change your life lol (i'm serious)
5.0 / 5 (0 votes)