Partners of Trans Series Part 4 | Negotiation Phase

Summary

Dr. Zia, eine Expertin für transgener Care, führt in diesem Videoteil 4 ihrer Serie über Partnerbeziehungen in der Transgender-Community ein. Sie diskutiert das 'Verhandlungsphasen', in der Partner nach der Offenlegung der Transidentität ihre Gefühle bewerten und über Fairness und Gerechtigkeit nachdenken. Dr. Zia betont, dass es wichtig ist, ehrliche Selbstreflektionen über das Beziehungsgefühl und die emotionale Bindung vorzunehmen, anstatt sich auf das Konzept von Fairness zu konzentrieren. Sie rät dazu, Therapie zu suchen und sich auf ehrliche Dialoge zu konzentrieren, um die Beziehung durch die Geschlechtsumwandlung zu führen.

Takeaways

• 😀 Dr. Zia ist eine Expertin für transgener Care und spricht über das Verständnis und die Reaktion auf das Coming-Out eines Partners.
• 🔄 In der zweiten Phase des Coming-Out-Prozesses geht es darum, wie die Partner ihre Gefühle verarbeiten und wie sie mit den Veränderungen umgehen.
• 🤝 Die 'Verhandlungsphase' ist ein wichtiger Teil des Übergangsprozesses, in dem Partner versuchen, ihre Gefühle und die Situation zu bewältigen.
• 💢 In dieser Phase können Gefühle wie Wut, Ressentiment und Verachtung aufkommen, da Partner versuchen, Gerechtigkeit und Fairness zu suchen.
• 🤔 Die Diskussion um 'Fairness' und 'Unternehmung' ist ein zentrales Thema, da Partner versuchen, ihre Beziehungswerte und Investitionen zu bewerten.
• 👫 Beziehungen, die eine starke emotionale Bindung haben, sind wahrscheinlicher, den Übergangsprozess zu überleben, da sie ein positives 'emotionales Bankkonto' aufweisen.
• 🏦 Dr. Zia verwendet die Metapher des 'emotionalen Bankkontos', um die Dynamik von Beziehungen und der Wert der positiven Interaktionen zu erklären.
• 🚫 Die Suche nach Fairness kann schwierig sein, und Dr. Zia empfiehlt, sich eher auf die eigene Situation und Bedürfnisse zu konzentrieren, anstatt sich auf das Konzept der Fairness zu fokusieren.
• 💬 Offene Kommunikation und Ehrlichkeit sind entscheidend, um die Herausforderungen während der Verhandlungsphase zu bewältigen.
• ⏸ Es ist wichtig, zu erkennen, dass Beziehungen, die bereits vor dem Coming-Out Schwierigkeiten hatten, möglicherweise nicht die Resilienz aufweisen, den Übergangsprozess zu überleben.

Q & A

Was ist der Schwerpunkt des Videos von Dr. Zia?

Das Video von Dr. Zia konzentriert sich auf die Phase des Verhandlungs in einer Beziehung, wenn eine Person ihre Transgender-Identität offenlegt und durch die Transition geht.

Welche Phasen werden in der Videoserie von Dr. Zia behandelt?

Die Videoserie behandelt verschiedene Phasen wie die Einführung, die Anerkennung von Gefühlen, das Coming-out, die Reaktion auf das Coming-out und schließlich die Verhandlungsphase.

Was passiert in der sogenannten 'Verhandlungsphase'?

In der Verhandlungsphase nachdem die Partnerin oder der Partner ihre Transgender-Identität offenlegt hat, beginnen die Beteiligten, über das Gleichgewicht und die Gerechtigkeit in ihrer Beziehung nachzudenken und Veränderungen in Bezug auf das Geschlecht ihres Partners zu bewältigen.

Welche Gefühle können während der Verhandlungsphase aufkommen?

Während der Verhandlungsphase können Gefühle wie Wut, Resentiment, Verachtung und das Gefühl der Ungerechtigkeit aufkommen, da die Partner versuchen, das Gleichgewicht in ihrer Beziehung wiederherzustellen.

Was bedeutet das Wort 'Lebensstil' in diesem Zusammenhang?

Im Kontext des Videos wird 'Lebensstil' verwendet, um die Entscheidung des Partners, seine Geschlechtsidentität zu ändern, zu beschreiben, wobei es suggeriert wird, dass es sich um eine freiwillige Wahl handelt, anstatt um eine notwendige Selbstfindung.

Warum ist es wichtig, während der Verhandlungsphase über das Gleichgewicht in der Beziehung nachzudenken?

Das Nachdenken über das Gleichgewicht hilft den Partnern, ihre Investitionen in die Beziehung zu bewerten und zu entscheiden, ob sie bereit sind, durch die Geschlechtsübergangsphase ihres Partners mitzumachen.

Was sagt Dr. Zia über das Konzept der 'bedingungslosen Liebe'?

Dr. Zia stellt das Konzept der 'bedingungslosen Liebe' in Frage und argumentiert, dass alle Formen der Liebe in gewisser Weise bedingt sind, da Menschen Erwartungen und Gegenleistungen in Beziehungen haben.

Wie kann die 'emotionale Bank' einer Beziehung die Überlebenschancen während einer Geschlechtsübergangsphase beeinflussen?

Eine 'emotionale Bank', die viele positive Interaktionen und gemeinsame guten Erinnerungen enthält, kann dazu beitragen, dass eine Beziehung die Herausforderungen einer Geschlechtsübergangsphase überlebt, da die Partner mehr emotionalen Halt haben.

Was empfiehlt Dr. Zia, um durch die Verhandlungsphase zu kommen?

Dr. Zia empfiehlt, statt sich auf das Konzept von Gerechtigkeit zu konzentrieren, sich selbst zu fragen, was man in der Beziehung sucht und ob man bereit ist, durch die Geschlechtsübergangsphase des Partners mitzumachen.

Was wird in den nächsten Videos von Dr. Zia behandelt?

In den nächsten Videos wird Dr. Zia über das Kompromissphasen sprechen, in der die Partner versuchen, eine akzeptable Lösung für beide zu finden, um die Beziehung während der Geschlechtsübergangsphase zu erhalten.

Outlines

00:00

🌟 Phase des Verhandlungsprozesses

Dr. Zia führt in diesem Abschnitt des Video-Dienstes die Phase des Verhandlungsprozesses ein, die auf dem Coming-Out ihres Partners folgt. In dieser Phase beginnen die Partner, ihre Gefühle zu verarbeiten und zu reflektieren, was für sie gerecht und was nicht gerecht ist. Es wird hervorgehoben, dass viele Gefühle wie Wut, Resentiment und Verachtung aufkommen können, da Partner versuchen, ihre Beziehung und die Veränderungen, die durch die Geschlechtsumwandlung ihres Partners stattfinden, zu bewerten. Dr. Zia betont, dass es in dieser Phase wichtig ist, über das Gleichgewicht der Beziehung nachzudenken und nicht nur auf die Gerechtigkeit zu bestehen, da dies zu vielen Konflikten führen kann.

05:02

🤔 Die Suche nach Gerechtigkeit und das emotionale Gleichgewicht

In diesem Abschnitt wird die Schwierigkeit behandelt, Gerechtigkeit in Beziehungen zu finden, insbesondere in der Phase des Verhandlungsprozesses. Dr. Zia erklärt, dass Beziehungen aus einer Reihe von Investitionen bestehen, wie Zeit, Liebe, Aufwand und Unterstützung. Sie diskutiert die Idee des bedingungslosen Liebes und stellt fest, dass alle Beziehungen in gewisser Weise bedingt sind. Es wird betont, dass es in dieser Phase ratsam ist, sich selbst zu fragen, ob die Beziehung vor der Geschlechtsumwandlung bereits ein positives emotionales Gleichgewicht aufwies oder ob es bereits Resentiments und Ungerechtigkeiten gab, die jetzt zu Konflikten führen können.

10:02

🔍 Selbstreflektion und die Bedeutung der Ehrlichkeit

Dr. Zia fordert die Partner auf, sich selbst ehrlich zu sein und zu reflektieren, ob sie bereit sind, durch die Geschlechtsumwandlung ihres Partners mitzuhalten oder ob sie lieber eine Trennung suchen sollten. Sie betont die Bedeutung der Selbstreflektion und der Ehrlichkeit gegenüber sich selbst und dem Partner, um zu bestimmen, was in der Beziehung funktioniert und was nicht funktioniert. Es wird auch darauf hingewiesen, dass es in dieser Phase ratsam ist, Therapie zu suchen oder professionelle Unterstützung, um die Herausforderungen zu bewältigen, die mit der Geschlechtsumwandlung einhergehen.

Keywords

💡Transgender

Transgender bezieht sich auf Personen, deren geschlechtliche Identität nicht der ihnen zugeordneten生物学ischen Geschlechtsmerkmale entspricht. Im Video wird dies als spezifisches Fachgebiet des Sprechers, Dr. Zia, erwähnt, der sich auf die Betreuung von transgener Bevölkerung spezialisiert hat.

💡Coming Out

Das 'Coming Out' ist der Prozess, bei dem eine Person ihre sexuelle Orientierung oder ihre geschlechtliche Identität öffentlich zugeben. Im Kontext des Videos bezieht sich dies auf den Moment, in dem ein Partner seiner anderen Hälfte seine transgende Identität offenbart.

💡Negotiating Phase

Die 'Verhandlungsphase' ist ein Begriff, der in dem Video verwendet wird, um die Phase zu beschreiben, in der ein Paar nach dem Coming Out des Partners umzugehen versucht. Es ist eine Zeit, in der viele Gefühle aufkommen und in der das Paar versucht, Verständnis und Kompromiss zu finden.

💡Fairness

Gerechtigkeit wird im Video als ein zentrales Thema der Verhandlungsphase betrachtet, in der Partner versuchen, das Gleichgewicht in ihrer Beziehung wiederherzustellen oder zu bewerten. Es wird darauf hingewiesen, dass Gerechtigkeit oft subjektiv ist und zu Konflikten führen kann.

💡Ultimatum

Ein Ultimatum ist eine Art Drohung oder Bedingung, die eine Person einem anderen stellt. Im Video wird erwähnt, dass es während der Verhandlungsphase üblich ist, dass Partner ein Ultimatum stellen oder eine Art von Bedingung für ihre Beziehung aufstellen.

💡Acceptance

Akzeptanz bezieht sich auf die Fähigkeit, die Geschlechtsumstellung eines Partners zu akzeptieren. Im Video wird dies als ein späteres Stadium der Beziehungsarbeit angesehen, nachdem die Verhandlungsphase überwunden wurde.

💡Emotional Bank Account

Das 'emotionale Bankkonto' ist eine Metapher, die im Video verwendet wird, um die gesamte Geschichte und das Gleichgewicht positiver und negativer Interaktionen in einer Beziehung zu beschreiben. Ein positives emotionales Bankkonto kann die Überlebenschancen einer Beziehung durch die Geschlechtsumstellung eines Partners erhöhen.

💡Resentment

Groll entsteht aus ungelösten Konflikten oder unerfüllten Erwartungen. Im Video wird darauf hingewiesen, dass Groll in der Verhandlungsphase aufkommen kann, wenn Partner über ihre Investitionen in die Beziehung nachdenken und Fragen stellen, was fair ist.

💡Compromise

Ein Kompromiss bezieht sich auf eine Übereinkunft, bei der beide Seiten etwas eingeben, um eine Lösung zu finden. Im Video wird dies als ein späteres Stadium der Beziehungsarbeit angesehen, nachdem die Verhandlungsphase und die Suche nach Gerechtigkeit abgeschlossen wurden.

💡Therapy

Therapie wird im Video als eine Ressource empfohlen, die während der Verhandlungsphase genutzt werden kann, um Unterstützung bei der Bewältigung der Komplexitäten der Beziehung und der Geschlechtsumstellung eines Partners zu erhalten.

Highlights

Dr. Zia, a psychologist specializing in transgender care, discusses the 'negotiating phase' in a relationship when a partner comes out as transgender.

In the negotiating phase, feelings of fairness and the concept of 'choice' often arise, leading to potential ultimatums or over-supportiveness.

Dr. Zia explains that the initial shock of a partner's coming out has settled, and now there's a realization that changes are taking place.

The partner may have started hormone therapy or come out to family and work, leading to further assessment of the relationship.

Anger, resentment, and feelings of contempt can emerge as the non-trans partner grapples with the changes.

The concept of 'lifestyle' is critiqued as it implies that being transgender is a choice or something one can simply try on.

Dr. Zia challenges the idea of unconditional love, arguing that all love is conditional in some way.

Relationships are viewed as investments, with both partners giving and expecting something in return.

The negotiating phase involves an assessment of what has been invested in the relationship and what is being received in return.

Dr. Zia suggests that the focus should not be on fairness but on assessing the relationship's emotional bank account.

Couples with a positive emotional bank account are more likely to survive the transition.

Resentment and anger can indicate underlying issues in the relationship that predate the partner's coming out.

Dr. Zia advises couples to seek therapy and support during the negotiating phase to navigate the complexities of the transition.

The importance of honesty and self-assessment is emphasized to determine if the relationship can withstand the changes.

The video concludes with a call to action for viewers to reflect on their own experiences and engage in open dialogue.

Transcripts

[Music]

hi everyone i'm dr zia i'm a clean-up

psychologist specializing in transgender

care welcome to my channel this is part

four of a partner video series we talked

in part one introduction and recognizing

and acknowledging things and feelings

partner may feel we talked in part two

part one phase one coming out um and

what may come up for you in the part

fund coming out then we talked about in

the second part after the coming out the

initial shock tends to um

settle in and as a result of that

initial shock the things she makes

piercings such as catastrophizing court

denial now at this phase of um

of transition process with the partner

we're stepping into what i call

negotiating phase in negotiating phase

this is when your partner came out to

you already like i said in part two and

it like i said in a part three video um

your feelings had settled in and as a

result you had initial shock and you had

a reaction out of that shock and you

either most likely gave you partly an

ultimatum or you were overly supportive

or maybe you experienced something else

that i did not describe but those were

the two most common things people tend

to experience

in the part

negotiating phase of a tradition within

a relationship now what's happening is

that things are settled down even more

and now our things are most likely

happening perhaps your partner has

already started doing certain things

maybe they have already come out to the

rest of the family maybe they have come

out to the kids maybe they came out at

work maybe they have started hormone

therapy maybe they are considering doing

other things but your partner is also

starting to do a little bit more in

relationship to their gender

and as a result you're starting to

realize okay things are happening things

are taking place there's changes this is

really happening this is um almost like

an acceptance phase but not quite

because you haven't really fully yet

grasped uh the whole nature situation or

how you feel about the situation so what

is negotiating faithful negotiating face

is um it's a phase where also a lot of

feelings come up for you um you're

starting to assess for yourself as a

partner

what's fair what's not fair um how is

this fair to me um

it seems like they're making a choice to

do this choice the word choice tends to

come up a lot you choose to do this this

is the choice you're choosing to hurt us

you're choosing to hurt your family uh

you're choosing

to live this lifestyle you're choosing

to transition a word lifestyle comes up

as if again this is something that

people just tend to try on

so a lot of feelings tend to come up

anger comes up

feelings of resentment and contempt may

come up and this is all going to set

negotiations um in a video after the

next one i'll be talking about

finally compromising which is um comes

with a form of acceptance now compromise

is going to be very different from

negotiating compromises win-win in here

what you're doing at this stage

oftentimes with partners too is

negotiating it is uh negotiations that

are rising out of the feelings you feel

and a lot of times feelings are just at

their feelings they're valid and they're

absolutely our truth and what we feel

but a lot of times they can be super

church with a lot of pain and a lot of

hurt a lot of unprocessed anger so the

result the negotiations are again gonna

have a lot of this is not fair type of

um undertone um you're going to start

assessing you're also going to start

looking at what you put in remember how

i said relationships are always

investments one way or another their

investments of our time their

investments of uh what we gives our

investments or our love their

investments of our effort

there's no such thing as unconditional

love i don't believe in unconditional

love i i think all love one way or

another is conditional we're human

beings of what it's like unconditional

love but i i just cannot fathom it so

for me in my opinion um everything is

conditional we're in a relationship

because uh we're giving something we're

expecting something in result when we're

treating our partner nicely we're

expecting to be treated nicely when

we're there for our partners when

they're ill we're hoping they'll be

there for us when we're ill so

everything tends to carry um kind of a

balanced exchange sometimes the balance

is not always fair right sometimes we

give more than we receive sometimes

we receive more than we give

that's just natural part of being in a

relationship so during this part time of

negotiation phase what you're doing is

you're doing you're doing an assessment

it's almost like you're looking at the

quick books of your marriage or your

relationship however long you've been

together and you're looking at the quick

books and you're assessing okay during

the time of my relationship and you made

it by the way doing it subconsciously it

may not even be fully conscious

you're thinking well i have been loyal

to you i have

been a good parent or children i have

done all of the things i have sacrificed

my career

i have i mean i heard so many things

people tend to feel with fear what's not

fair um i gave up my life for you i gave

up this for you

it's all an attempt to balance things

out it's all in an attempt to

um

for us to make sense of

why do i have to go through this

undertone of all of it is why they have

to go through this this is so unfair

and the truth is it's not about fair and

the more we try to cling to fairness the

harder it is going to be

this is why we tend to negotiate we try

to find we try to get something back for

something drastic as my partner is

transitioning uh that's going to make in

our headspace feel like we actually got

some kind of chunk of some kind of

equity so we feel somewhat at peace some

would attest it but the reality is that

it doesn't work like that you know um

marriages and relationships are composed

of many things and i bet in the past you

already have gone through the stages of

what's fair was not fair on a smaller

scale without even realizing it

because it was so small you didn't pay

attention to when things are really

small we tend to be more flexible we

tend to be more generous with giving

right

for example

a partner might be maybe

losing their job and you may have been

the one who stepped in and because it

was temporarily and for short period of

time you made peace with that and you

were okay with that so it's okay to be

nice how it's okay to be generous with

small things but with the bigger things

as human beings to struggle with the

generosity so this is where the

negotiations are going to come in during

this phase you are trying to assess

what's fair what um and truth is things

are not going to feel fair

um things never feel fair when you

transpire comes out to you and they

realize especially they need to go

through gender transition

um things are just never going to be

fair um it is always going to feel

unfair i'm sorry guys there's a light in

my let me move a little bit in my in my

face um so i apologize if this is

distracting you do it distracting me as

i look at myself in here there's never

going to be any sense of fair um

so forget the warfare

just try to take it out of your

vocabulary because it's going to make

things that much more harder for you

what the best thing to do during this

phase the negotiating phase is instead

of thinking what's fair what's not fair

and instead of bargaining uh with your

partner is just to really assess for

yourself where myat is my relationship

what does this relationship still means

to be remember you always have a sense

of agency you always have a sense of

ability to make decisions for yourself

if this is for you or if this is not for

you so this is the time to really ask

yourself um

what i have invested in this marriage in

a sense of

relationships that tend to survive

transition

survive it for one of the biggest

factors is what is their emotional

traction is

if couple before transitioning already

had a solid emotional balance meaning

always say this analogous to emotional

bank account if your emotional bank

account is full

versus being not negative meaning

there's a lot of good memories you

already had a really good marriage you

are

a couple that when you have arguments or

fights you tend to do repairs you tend

to talk to each other you tend to

communicate you care about each other

you love each other so you emotional

bank account that makes it out of all of

those things is positive the more likely

relationship is going to make a

transition because this is going to be

something that nobody's going to want to

lose also this is what's going to give

you as a partner empathy and compassion

towards your transparent however if

you're feeling a lot of resentment a lot

of anger

if you are

remembering all of the things you've

done for your trans partner in the past

and how this is adds another iceberg and

all those things how already your life

with this person has been unfair and has

been shitty and has been whatever it is

you're thinking and now you're telling

yourself and now this

now you're telling me you want to

transition

if this is the mindset if this is a

dialect you're having with yourself i

want you to recognize how much

resentment there already is

chances are

that resentment has already been there

over the years and what's important to

recognize is that the relationship

sounds like is already on thin ice

and this is just something that's going

to

probably crumble it for the better

because resentment is a hard thing to

get out of

a lot of times couples don't want to

acknowledge that they already harboured

a lot of negativity toward each other

and their emotional bank is not negative

when a partner comes out they don't want

to admit it

and then they end their relationship and

they blame it on generations and they

say this is why

instead of taking accountability and

saying

let's be honest with each other

our relationship has not been the best

we have not been the same for x amount

of years

we have not been carrying nor living

we've been pretending to be a couple

this sounds like

perhaps a silver lining here this sounds

like an opportunity

for us to part maybe find something

amicable and for you to

pursue

what's important to you and for me to

pursue what's important to me but we

don't do that why we don't do that

because we're afraid because we don't

want to be alone because we also

have created a sense of codependency

so this is one of the things to really

start to assess during this time period

where's your negotiation and sense of

fairness comes from is it already coming

from the past hurts and pains what is it

telling you about already the

relationship let's not blame everything

on transition this is very easy during

this phase start blaming things on

tradition

on the other hand it could be that you

do have a very good emotional bank

and things of pain and hurt are not

coming from the past coming from the

present because you're terrified that

whatever your partner is telling you is

going to shake up what you invested

totally understandable i totally totally

get that

so this is going to be the negotiating

phase again a lot of fair what's fair

what's not fair a lot of bargaining

um this is when couples start to fight

this one bickering starts to happen a

lot this is when couples start going in

the couple's therapy and seeking support

versus going from the very beginning

from the get-go trying to figure out

what are we gonna do and again a lot of

undertones of this is fair this is not

fair how could you do this to me how

could you do this to me how could you

not be supportive how could you be

supportive a lot of that type of

language is flying around very very

common um

the best thing i recommend

for you

for couples to do in the scenario for

both for partners to trans and

transporters is instead of

being so

in a sense of righteousness and

what's right and what's not right

recognize this is not going to be fair

nothing about this is going to be fair

it's not about fair

and just ask yourself honestly as a

partner where i'm at am i at in this

relationship

and be really honest with yourself and

you know what even if you've been and

i've seen this i've seen people who've

been together for

um

20 30 40 years adult children already

have adult children um

they have a shared house or shared

property

and you know they sit down and sometimes

they say you know let's admit it our

relationship hasn't been great this is

just disrupted even more

but i don't want to divorce divorce is

costly i don't want to

separate and split assets so how can we

find a way

where we can preserve certain security

bases for ourselves but also recognize

this is just not gonna work out let's

not pretend like we're gonna try to make

it work out that's okay to be honest

with each other negotiating face is an

opportunity instead of what's fair

what's not fair is to ask you what are

my needs right now

not what's fair not what i want what are

my needs right now what are my needs

right now as a person so start looking

into those things start having an open

conversation and dialogue

if you're watching this comment below

let me know

what are your thoughts on this did you

as a partner get stuck in that fair not

fair uh negotiating technique where did

that come from did some of you realize

that it's coming from already

accumulated in that negative bank

account or did your account was overly

positive if you're trans partner also

coming below and let me know what was

this period like for you this is a very

common negotiating phase before we get

into compromising phase compromise is a

much much healthier face

face

that's the face when all of you are

starting to really um

ask yourselves those more mature more

compassionate win-win type of questions

but negotiating face is very common this

is a good good face

um to seek therapy this is a good phase

to start asking yourself whether you're

being truthful about the quality of your

relationship to begin with before you

can even ask yourself can i stay with

this person through gender transition so

stick around we'll talk about some more

things in the next video