Dark, dangerous, no light

Summary

In this episode of the Shan for Real podcast, Shan shares his personal struggle with suicidal thoughts and the daily risk of suicide. He recounts a humiliating experience that intensified his suicidal ideation and compares living with these thoughts to crossing the I55 Bridge in Memphis at night—dark, dangerous, and with no lights. Shan emphasizes the importance of talking about suicide, dispelling the stigma, and assures listeners that they are loved, valuable, and not alone. He concludes with a message of hope, mentioning a friend's five-year sobriety milestone, and encourages viewers to seek help and support.

Takeaways

• 😔 The podcast host, Shan, shares his ongoing struggle with suicidal thoughts and the daily risk he feels.
• 🔪 Shan admits to having a plan and items in his bag in case he decides to act on his suicidal urges.
• 🐟 He discusses a humiliating incident involving a woman he met on Instagram, which intensified his suicidal ideation.
• 🌉 Shan uses the metaphor of crossing the I55 Bridge at night to describe the darkness and danger of living with suicidal thoughts.
• 🤔 He ponders existential questions like being unlovable and not good enough, which are common in severe depression.
• 📞 Shan mentions the concern of loved ones, who might fear the worst when they can't reach him.
• 🗣️ He emphasizes the importance of talking about suicide and not ignoring it, as it happens every 40 seconds.
• 🙏 Shan credits his faith in God and Jesus Christ as a source of strength and hope in his darkest moments.
• 💔 The podcast also touches on the pain of feeling like a burden and the struggle to feel wanted and loved.
• 🎯 Shan's ultimate message is one of hope, love, and the importance of acknowledging and addressing suicidal thoughts.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the podcast episode described in the transcript?

The main theme of the podcast episode is the personal experience of living with suicidal thoughts and the impact of such thoughts on the individual's daily life.

Why does the podcast host mention the I55 Bridge in Memphis?

The podcast host uses the I55 Bridge as a metaphor for living with suicidal thoughts, describing it as dark, dangerous, and cramped, similar to the feelings one experiences when at risk of suicide.

What significant event happened in the host's life in 2020, 2021, and 2022 that reignited the desire to end his life?

The host was catfished and swindled out of money by a woman he met on Instagram, which led to feelings of humiliation and embarrassment, reigniting his desire to end his life.

How does the host describe the experience of being at risk for suicide every day?

The host describes it as crossing the I55 Bridge at night, which is dark, dangerous, and cramped, with no lights except for those from cars and trucks.

What question does the host ask himself when in a severe state of depression?

The host asks himself why he is not good enough for anybody, questioning his desirability, lovability, and worthiness.

Who is Kevin Hines and why is he mentioned in the podcast?

Kevin Hines is a man who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. He is mentioned as an example of someone who experienced an immediate moment of regret and survived, illustrating the potential for hope and change.

What does the host suggest is a crucial part of dealing with suicidal thoughts?

The host suggests that managing and fighting suicidal thoughts every day is crucial, emphasizing the importance of ongoing mental effort to overcome them.

Why does the host believe his friend's gun didn't fire when he attempted to end his life?

The host believes it was an act of God that his friend's gun didn't fire, suggesting a higher power's intervention and the importance of faith in difficult times.

What message does the host want to convey to his audience about suicide?

The host wants to convey that suicide should not be ignored, that people are loved and not a burden, and that there is always hope with God's presence.

What does the host hope to achieve by sharing his story and experiences?

The host hopes to inspire people, spark conversations about suicide, and show that God is always present, providing hope and support even in the darkest times.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Struggling with Suicidal Thoughts

Shan for Real opens up about his daily struggle with suicidal thoughts, revealing that he carries items in his bag in case he gets the urge to end his life. He recounts sharing his story at a suicide prevention walk, where he detailed the rekindling of his suicidal ideation after being swindled out of money by someone he met on Instagram. He expresses humiliation and anger towards himself for not seeing the scam coming and considers the impact of such experiences on his mental state.

05:00

🌉 Living with Suicidal Ideation

Shan for Real compares living with suicidal thoughts to crossing the I55 Bridge in Memphis at night, which he finds terrifying due to its shape and lack of lights, symbolizing the darkness and danger he feels. He discusses the self-doubt and feelings of unlovability that often accompany severe depression, sharing a personal anecdote about a relationship that ended abruptly, leading him to question his self-worth and consider suicide.

10:02

📞 The Impact of Suicidal Thoughts on Loved Ones

The podcaster shares his concern for those who worry about him, using the example of Kevin Hines, a man who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge and now speaks about his experience. Shan talks about a time when his mother was alarmed by his absence and the state of his room, fearing the worst. He emphasizes the importance of communication and the relief his mother felt when he assured her he was safe, highlighting the ripple effect of suicidal thoughts on family and friends.

15:06

🔫 Near-Death Experiences and the Role of Faith

Shan recounts a friend's story of a failed suicide attempt, where a gun didn't fire despite being used. He attributes this to divine intervention and a sign of God's presence. He shares his own moments of suicidal ideation and how he believes God has been with him through it all. The narrative serves as a testament to the power of faith and the importance of recognizing the value of one's own life.

20:06

🙏 Raising Awareness and Finding Hope

In this paragraph, Shan for Real emphasizes the need to talk about suicide openly and not ignore it as a societal issue. He shares statistics about the frequency of suicide and argues for increased awareness and conversation. He concludes with a message of hope, love, and the importance of recognizing one's own worth, encouraging viewers to seek help and support, and reminding them that they are not alone.

25:08

🎉 Celebrating Sobriety and Overcoming Challenges

Shan for Real concludes the podcast by celebrating a friend's five years of sobriety from meth addiction, acknowledging the significant achievement and the struggles that come with it. He uses this story to inspire hope and resilience, showing that it's possible to overcome even the most challenging circumstances. The podcast ends on a positive note, with music playing in the background.

Keywords

💡Suicidal thoughts

Suicidal thoughts refer to contemplations of ending one's own life. In the video, the host discusses living with these thoughts daily, highlighting the struggle and the constant battle against the urge to end one's life. The script mentions the host's personal experiences and attempts, emphasizing the severity and the reality of living with such thoughts.

💡Suicide prevention

Suicide prevention involves activities and interventions aimed at reducing the occurrence of suicide. The host mentions speaking at a suicide prevention walk, indicating a broader community effort to address and prevent suicide. This concept is central to the video's theme, as it underscores the importance of awareness and support for those at risk.

💡Depression

Depression is a mental health disorder characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and a lack of interest or pleasure in activities. The script alludes to the host's severe state of depression, which is a significant factor contributing to suicidal ideation. It is depicted as a dark and isolating experience, illustrating the depth of the host's emotional struggle.

💡Humiliation

Humiliation is a feeling of being deeply ashamed or embarrassed. In the video, the host recounts an incident where they were swindled out of money, which led to feelings of humiliation and contributed to their suicidal ideation. This term is used to convey the emotional impact of a negative experience and its role in exacerbating mental health issues.

💡Self-harm

Self-harm refers to the act of deliberately causing harm to oneself without the intent to die. The host mentions having items in their gym bag 'just in case' they got the urge, suggesting a plan for self-harm as a coping mechanism for their emotional pain. This keyword is significant as it reflects a common behavior among individuals struggling with suicidal thoughts.

💡Bridge

In the video, the I55 Bridge in Memphis is used as a metaphor for the experience of living with suicidal thoughts. The bridge, particularly at night with no lights, represents darkness, danger, and the feeling of being cramped or trapped. This metaphor is powerful as it conveys the overwhelming fear and discomfort associated with the constant battle against suicidal ideation.

💡Desirability

Desirability refers to being wanted or sought after. The host questions their desirability and worth, reflecting on instances where they felt rejected or unlovable. This keyword is integral to the video's narrative as it explores the internalized feelings of inadequacy that can contribute to suicidal thoughts.

💡Sobriety

Sobriety is the state of not being under the influence of alcohol or drugs, often referring to recovery from addiction. The host mentions a friend celebrating five years of sobriety, highlighting the challenges of maintaining mental health and the significance of personal achievements in recovery. This keyword is relevant as it underscores the broader context of mental health struggles beyond suicidal thoughts.

💡God

In the video, God is mentioned as a source of hope and support for the host. The host expresses gratitude and faith, suggesting a belief in divine presence and protection during their darkest moments. This keyword is significant as it reflects the role of spirituality and faith in coping with and overcoming suicidal thoughts.

💡Regret

Regret is a feeling of sadness or disappointment over something that has happened or been done, typically a loss or missed opportunity. The host references Kevin Hines, who survived a suicide attempt and experienced instant regret upon jumping. This keyword is used to illustrate the potential for remorse and the importance of second chances in the context of suicide.

💡Support

Support in the context of the video refers to the assistance and care provided by friends, family, or professionals to help someone cope with mental health issues. The host mentions the concern shown by their mother when they were going through a difficult time, emphasizing the importance of having a support system to lean on during times of crisis.

Highlights

Introduction to the podcast and acknowledgment of the constant presence of God.

The host shares personal struggles with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis.

Mention of a past suicide attempt and the携带的物品 in preparation for it.

Recounting the experience at a suicide prevention walk and the impact of past events in 2020, 2021, and 2022.

The devastating emotional effects of being catfished and swindled out of money.

A vivid analogy comparing living with suicidal thoughts to crossing the I55 Bridge in Memphis at night.

Reflections on the question 'Why am I not good enough for anybody?' which arises from depression.

The story of a young lady who ghosted the host, leading to deeper feelings of unworthiness.

The realization that the host's life matters and the importance of not being a burden to others.

The story of Kevin Hines, who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, and the instant regret he felt.

The concern and worry from loved ones when they fear someone might attempt suicide.

A personal anecdote from 2012, described as the darkest year, and the height of suicidal ideation.

The importance of managing and fighting suicidal thoughts every day.

A friend's story of a failed suicide attempt, possibly due to divine intervention.

The message that God is always present and the significance of faith in overcoming suicidal thoughts.

A call to action to talk more about suicide and to not ignore it as a serious issue.

A reminder to the audience that they are loved, they matter, and they are not a burden.

Closing thoughts and a special mention of someone celebrating five years of sobriety.

Transcripts

[Music]

h

[Music]

good day welcome to another episode of

the Shan for real podcast I am Shan for

real God is great all the time all the

time God is great let's not waste no

more time let's get right into it so

um what is it like

to live with suu with so idle thoughts

every day okay what is it like to live

with who idle thoughts for those of you

[Music]

who watch my channel regularly um you

know that I'm at risk of suicide every

day I'm at risk for suicide every day to

the ones who are

new

um now you know I'm at risk for

suicide every sing every single day okay

I'm at risk for every I'm at risk of

suicide every single day

okay um

because I attempt it okay I attempt it I

self

hared

um I did carry um some um things in my

bag

um not going to say what those things

were not going to say what those things

were did carry some things in my um in

my gym bag

just in case I

um just in case I got

um just in case I got the

urge

um so um I'm going to do my best to give

you all the um Cliff Notes not the story

okay but um in the process of giving

youall the cliff notes I may tell y'all

story okay but I'll try to okay

so

um I was talking at the suicide

prevention walk telling my

story to

um the hundreds of people who were get

haed out at the U Suicide Prevention

walk here in Memphis last year and I

mentioned that

um I went through

some

things in 2020

82 and

20283 that

really

reignited that reignite

it that desire to end her life okay it

reunited that desire to end My Life

um so um we'll just start there

um met a woman on

Instagram claim she was a follower G

Jesus

Christ and

um got cat hatfish swindled out of

money

and that was the thing that I was

talking about at the suicide prevention

walk last year as I was telling my

story and I called

her and I called her every nasty name in

the book that I could think of

and that's what I thought of her because

of what she

did and that was

humiliating that was humiliating that

was

embarrassing that I could not see that

coming I was humiliated I was

embarrassed by my part on my

part and I was angry at myself

myself and um far as I I was concerned I

couldn't be here here no more I couldn't

be here no more I was too hum I was too

humiliated by what just had

happened I was just too humilated by

what just

happened so I wanted to end my

life but I

didn't

um I said um I asked a question to you

the people what

what what's it like living with Suicidal

Thoughts every single day or being at

risk of su suicide every s single day

you may I know for you

people you may have your takes on um

what it's

like every

day

um for

me my take is yes what's it like to live

with suicidal thoughts and um be at risk

of suicide every day

okay it's like crossing the I55 Bridge

here in Memphis

okay it's like crossing the I55 Bridge

here in Memphis at night okay the bridge

that divides Arkansas and T in the

sea um that bridge has always scared the

hell out of me the shape of that bridge

has always scared the hell out of

me scared the hell out of me even during

the day even during the day the shape of

that bridge just scared

the I'mma drop a f bomb here I'm about

to drop a f bomb

here Crossing that bridge during the day

scared the [ __ ] out of me because of the

way that that bridge with

shaped and it's still virtually the same

shape it was in

1949 as it is today in

20284 okay that bridge has been sent

there since

1949

okay yeah yeah so I hear they're going

to um I here they're going to build a um

new I55 bridge to supplant That Old

Bridge

okay but um back to ain't a

point SL crossing the I55

bridge at

night there are no lights on that bridge

there are no lights on the I55 bridge at

night the only lights are from Cars and

Trucks the only lights on that bridge

are from cars and trucks and the lanes

ain't nothing but

that

big that is one of the most cramped

Bridges and I55 is a cramped Bridge Okay

on both sides going into Arkansas the

lanes are cramped coming back into

tenness SE the lanes are cramped

okay so it's like crossing the I55

bridge at

night it's

dark dangerous no

lights that's what it's like

for me personally to

live with being at the risk of

suicide living suicidal suicidal

ideation every day

okay

um one of the things that people ask

themselves when they're um in a severe

state of depression is why am I not good

enough for anybody

okay why am I not good enough for

anybody

and I just so happen to ask myself this

question a short while

ago um there was this young lady I was

talking to okay it was this young lady I

was talking

to

and Christian

woman um

loves Jesus goes to

church and

um I really felt it was going to going

somewhere then all of a sudden bam

ghosted I guess that's a new way to tell

telling people that I'm not interested

in you know more that's a new way in

20204

I

guess but um yeah it stopped

ghosted so you begin to ask

yourself what am I do who wrong why am I

not good good

enough am I not desire am I not

desirable am I am I that

unlovable okay am am I am I just

that

unwanted am I just that unwant

haunted and

um you ask yourself those qu

questions I believed

him and

thought about it was s because I didn't

want to because I didn't want

to be a burden to anybody

and

um I was saying to myself in the had

time what's the point of being e here if

I'm not desirable if I'm not loved if

I'm if I'm not desirable if I'm not

loved if I'm not wanted what's the point

to be he in

here what's the point to be he in here I

might as well go ahead and end it now

because they won't

care okay they won't

care these are the

things this is what it's like to live

with suicidal

thoughts and um we at to risk of suicide

every day

Okay Kevin Hines

guy who jumped off the go hold and Gate

Bridge

okay I can remember him saying um the

moment he jumped it was a instant moment

of regret he was just hoping that guy

would

him as he

jumped um there was eventually a whale

in the ocean that ran up under

him

okay there was eventually a whale in the

ocean that ran up that swam up under him

so the whale was holding him up the

whole

time the whale was holding him up the

whole time and he

survived broken bones

injuries his dad said hey when you get

hit better you got to talk about

this you got to talk talk about this and

Kevin Hines also says

that

um when he calls his dad or when his dad

gets a pH on call he says his dad gets

nervous because he thinks his son

might have a tempted

again he thinks his son might have a

tempted

again

yeah

yeah

yeah

so um

yeah so

HEB

you yeah so there are certain people out

there who worry about

you there are certain people out there

who worry about you when

you

um when they get hit a phone call they

may think it's something about you okay

may thinking something about about you

um I can

remember a few months ago

okay a few months ago um when I

was moving out but didn't quite work out

the way that I want um that I was hoping

it would

um

but I

remember I was at work one night okay I

was at at work one

night

and

um when I got off and when I got hot off

work and now I was going into my second

job okay and I was going into my second

job I saw that I had six phone

calls I saw that that I had six phone

calls from my high Mom

okay

and she was thinking the worst and she

thought the

worst she thought the

worst mhm she thought the absolute

worst because my space was like

completely cleaned out

and she thought the absolute

worst

yeah so I ended up

um so I um ended up texting her back

saying

hey I'm at work I'm moving out of the

house then the level of concern went way

down

okay level of concern went way

down

okay

so 2022 may have been I'm

2022 2012 may have been the darkest year

for

me

mentally 22 may have been the darkest

year for me manually I was in such a bad

place Place

mentally when I say it was dark it was

dark con see no way out I55 bridge at

night dark

dangerous

yeah dark

dangerous no

light and

if I could go back back in time in

202 if I

was that was probably the height of my

suicidal ideation right there in 2012 I

called it 202 from hell

okay and if I could go back in

2012 go back to any2 that dark period I

probably would have attempt

it

truth just being honest that's the

truth that's how

much pain I was in

mentally that's just how much pain I was

in mentally okay

I've had friends who have told me hey

I've driven on Bridges and I have

visions of throwing by

myself

yeah that's what it is

like that's what is like and you got to

manage and you got to wahas your your

thoughts manage your

thoughts fight those

thoughts every day you got to fight them

every

day every day you got got to fight

them

okay

so um

let me just end on this right here okay

let me just end on

this had a friend

okay had a friend won't name

names won't name

names I believe it was in 2022 or

2023 okay

and

um he was telling a story

of how

he attempted to end his life

okay he used to

be he used to be on drugs okay

used to be here on

drugs he's been in clean for a year

now okay he's been cleaning for for a

year

and he he said

he put the gun to his

head he put the gun to his

head and the gun did not go

off he said he put the gun to his

head and the gun did not go

off pulled the trigger but did but it

did not go off

that had to be an act of God had to

be had to be an act of

God had to be an act of

God had to be an act of God

and

um what the reason why I'm here telling

y'all my

story

well God was with me the whole

time God is with

me was with me the whole time and Jesus

Christ is my Lord and

Behavior

mhm and

um here I

am telling you all the

this telling you all these

stories and

praying

that this reaches a ton of this video

reaches a 100 people

okay just goes to show you

that God is always right there with you

God is always right there with you

okay and he was with me

he was

with my he was

with my good friend when the gun didn't

go oh off he was there

okay he was there when I unsu said hly

attempt it okay he was

there and

um again I just pray that this reaches a

lot out of people okay

God is always there okay

always that's one of the reasons why I

say at the beginning of my videos God is

great all the time all the time God is

great Jesus Christ is

Lord

okay God is always

there and

so I just pray that

this video

um reaches a lot out of people I just

pray it inspires a lot of PE people I

pray this Sparks

conversations about Su who

aside because we need to

talk more about

it it happens every 40

seconds it happens every 40 seconds it

should not be

ignored every 40 seconds it happens it

should not be ignored period we don't

ignore murders we don't

ignore um drug addiction we don't ignore

um people who have C cancer we

don't ignore people who break their legs

we

don't why are we

ignoring

suicide let's talk about

it okay let's get some conversations

going then once we get conversation

going let's get more conversations

going and

um let me just say

this you are

loved you do matter you're not a burden

to everyone out there who's watching his

video you are all these things loved not

a

burden you're

hoverable you're desire

IU you're

wanted you are loved you matter to a lot

lot of people

I sometimes still think I don't matter

to a

lot out of people I still struggle with

that thinking from time I'm to a time

but I

do I do do

matter most important of

all there's always

God there's always God he he is

great

hope

hope you are

worthy you are loved you do matter

you're not a

burden I pray that this Rees a whole lot

out of

people all right all right y'all

peace

out

uh I got one more thing okay one more

more

thing

um there is someone who

um

celebrating five years of sobriety okay

five years of sobriety from meth dection

okay five years

um we've had conversations and um she

told me several times she

has thought about

it but here she is 5 years later

sober

now God bless you all peace out

[Music]

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