Your Relationship Expectations Could Be Holding You Back | Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile | TED

Summary

In this thought-provoking talk, a couples therapist challenges the conventional norms that define relationship success. Through personal anecdotes and case studies, the therapist encourages couples to reject societal expectations and embrace their unique dynamics. Rather than following traditional paths, like living together or marrying, couples are urged to accept their differences, focus on what truly works for them, and prioritize open communication. The speaker emphasizes that relationships don't have to fit a mold to be successful, advocating for authenticity, personal space, and a rejection of societal pressures to foster deeper, more fulfilling connections.

Takeaways

• 😀 Relationships are often perceived as hard because society's norms shape our expectations, leading to comparisons with others' relationships.
• 😀 Societal norms about relationships can lead to resentment and shame if a couple doesn't meet them, even though these norms are not always applicable to every relationship.
• 😀 One of the biggest obstacles in relationships is the pressure of external expectations, which can cause dissatisfaction and frustration.
• 😀 If you desire a partner to fundamentally change who they are, it may be a sign that you're with the wrong person. Otherwise, it's about managing frustrations and expectations.
• 😀 The solution to relationship struggles often lies in rejecting societal norms and embracing unique solutions suited to the individual relationship.
• 😀 A couple may need to create space or adjust their living arrangements to improve their romantic dynamic, as seen with a couple who lived apart to ease tensions.
• 😀 The idea that living apart can help certain couples is not a one-size-fits-all solution but can work when tailored to specific needs and circumstances.
• 😀 Accepting and embracing differences in values and behaviors between partners, rather than trying to change them, can lead to greater relationship satisfaction.
• 😀 Relationships thrive when partners communicate openly, set clear expectations, and create space for individuality while maintaining connection.
• 😀 It’s okay to defy traditional relationship norms, such as not sharing a bedroom or not following social media expectations, as long as it works for both partners.
• 😀 Challenging the narrative that relationships are inherently hard can lead to growth, by reflecting on external factors like trauma or stress, and considering what changes could make the relationship enjoyable again.

Q & A

What is the main message the therapist conveys about relationships?

The therapist emphasizes that relationships do not need to conform to societal norms. Instead, couples should focus on their individual needs and unique dynamics to create a relationship that works for them, rather than following prescribed expectations.

What does the therapist mean by the statement 'relationships are hard'?

The therapist explains that the belief that relationships are inherently difficult often stems from comparing ourselves to societal norms. This comparison can create frustration and unrealistic expectations, which might contribute to the perception of difficulty in relationships.

Why does the therapist encourage couples to reject societal norms?

The therapist encourages couples to reject societal norms because these expectations are often unrealistic and don't account for the unique needs and circumstances of each couple. By doing so, couples can build healthier relationships based on their individual values and desires.

What example does the therapist give to demonstrate how societal norms can influence relationships?

The therapist uses the example of a couple being judged for not sharing a bed, not planning to marry, and not living together. These are often seen as signs of a troubled relationship, but for some couples, these choices can be perfectly valid and lead to a healthy dynamic.

What was the outcome of the engaged couple's experiment with living apart?

The engaged couple decided to live apart temporarily, and during this time, they communicated better and reconnected. They were able to enjoy their time together as if it were a vacation, which improved both their romantic relationship and their relationships with their children.

What is the significance of the therapist's personal anecdote about their parents?

The therapist shares the story of how their parents drove separately everywhere, which seemed unusual to others but worked for them. This story highlights that deviating from traditional relationship norms can be beneficial and that relationships should be evaluated on individual terms, not societal expectations.

Why does the therapist mention the difference in values between 'arriving on time' and 'arriving looking your best'?

The therapist uses this example to illustrate how couples can have different values and priorities that are not inherently right or wrong. Embracing these differences, rather than trying to change each other, is key to maintaining harmony in a relationship.

What does the therapist say about the impact of societal judgment on relationships?

The therapist explains that society often judges relationships that deviate from the norm, but it's important to recognize that these judgments are based on outdated expectations. Couples should focus on what works for them, regardless of public opinion.

How does the therapist suggest couples handle challenges in their relationships?

The therapist encourages couples to reflect on what is truly challenging in their relationship—whether it's external factors like trauma or stress, or internal dynamics—and to be willing to make changes that prioritize mutual happiness and well-being.

What advice does the therapist offer to couples who are struggling with traditional relationship expectations?

The therapist advises couples to embrace their differences and find solutions that work for them, even if these solutions don't fit traditional norms. Whether it's living apart, prioritizing personal space, or redefining milestones like marriage, couples should create their own narrative.