The Gift of Conflict | Amy E. Gallo | TEDxBroadway
Summary
TLDRIn this insightful talk, the speaker shares a personal anecdote about miscommunication and its consequences, leading to a profound discussion on the importance of disagreeing constructively. She emphasizes the need to overcome our natural aversion to conflict, driven by the desire for likability and the instinctual 'amygdala hijack'. Drawing from research in conflict, emotional intelligence, and negotiation, she offers practical tools for navigating disagreements with empathy and kindness, transforming them into opportunities for growth and connection.
Takeaways
- 😶 Disagreement is often avoided due to fear of conflict or being perceived as unkind, but it is essential for productive communication.
- 🤔 The speaker initially coped with disagreement by venting to a friend instead of addressing issues directly with the person involved.
- 🔥 An accidental email sent to the wrong person led to a realization about the importance of direct communication and the consequences of avoiding difficult conversations.
- 🌼 The speaker learned the importance of apologizing and owning up to mistakes, which can foster better relationships and personal growth.
- 🧠 Our brains can go into 'amygdala hijack' during stress, impairing clear thinking and making it difficult to handle disagreements effectively.
- 🤝 There is a natural human tendency to seek likability and avoid conflict, which can lead to imitating others' behaviors to fit in.
- 📚 The speaker spent three years researching conflict and disagreement to develop tools for navigating conflicts more effectively.
- 🤷♀️ Common mistakes in disagreements include making the situation about oneself, not seeing the other person's perspective, and focusing on winning the argument.
- 🤝 Seeing the situation from the other person's perspective can help to depersonalize the disagreement and approach the conversation with empathy.
- 🎯 Identifying the goal of the conversation before engaging in it can help to keep the discussion focused and productive.
- 🤗 Understanding the nature of the disagreement—whether it's about tasks, goals, process, or status—can help to manage the conversation more effectively.
- 💪 Learning to disagree calmly and competently is a valuable life skill that can be applied in various aspects of life, including personal relationships and work.
- 🚫 Accepting that not all disagreements will be resolved positively and that sometimes people may still be upset despite one's best efforts to communicate with kindness and empathy.
Q & A
What was the speaker's initial reaction after realizing they sent an email to the wrong person?
-The speaker immediately realized the mistake and feared they would get fired. Instead of hiding the error, they decided to confess to their boss.
What advice did the speaker's boss give after the email mishap?
-The boss told the speaker to go apologize to the client, which the speaker found more daunting than being fired.
Why did the speaker choose not to share their disagreements with Marisa initially?
-The speaker avoided sharing their disagreements because they didn't want to be mean or hurt Marisa's feelings, reflecting a common fear that disagreement is unkind.
What realization did the speaker come to after their research on conflict and disagreement?
-The speaker realized that they had been handling disagreements wrong by making the situation about themselves, not seeing things from the other person's perspective, and focusing on winning rather than understanding.
What are the three strategies the speaker developed for handling disagreements more effectively?
-The speaker suggests: 1) Seeing the situation from the other person's perspective, 2) Identifying what they want from the conversation before it happens, and 3) Understanding what the disagreement is actually about to depersonalize the conflict.
How did the speaker's daughter influence their understanding of conflict resolution?
-The speaker's daughter taught them the importance of considering the most generous interpretation of others' actions, such as assuming that someone might be on their way to buy a helmet instead of recklessly riding a motorcycle without one.
Why does the speaker believe that disagreement is a necessary part of relationships?
-The speaker argues that disagreement, when handled with compassion and kindness, is a sign of care and love, and is essential for healthy relationships.
How does the speaker's past trauma relate to their interest in studying conflict and disagreement?
-The speaker's trauma of being molested as a child and not speaking up led them to channel their fear into an obsession with understanding how to disagree without causing harm, driven by a desire to protect their daughter and themselves.
What is the speaker's mantra for dealing with situations where others may be upset with them?
-The speaker repeats the mantra, 'Sometimes people are going to be mad at you, and that's okay,' which helps them navigate situations where their disagreements or actions might upset others.
What is the speaker's overarching message about conflict and disagreement?
-The speaker emphasizes that conflict and disagreement, when approached with calmness, compassion, and kindness, are not only manageable but necessary skills for both work and life.
Outlines
😅 The Misadventure of Misdirected Feedback
The speaker recounts a humorous yet cringe-worthy incident from their early career at a Manhattan management consulting firm, where they mistakenly sent a critical email about a client named Marisa to the client herself. The speaker's initial reaction was fear of being fired, but instead, their boss instructed them to apologize. This experience led to a realization about the importance of direct communication and the avoidance of conflict due to the fear of being perceived as unkind. The speaker introduces the theme of the talk: the necessity and benefits of disagreeing with compassion and kindness, even when it feels uncomfortable.
🤔 The Art of Constructive Disagreement
The speaker delves into their journey of understanding conflict and disagreement, motivated by a desire to improve their communication skills and to empower their daughter. They share insights from their research, which includes interviews with experts in various fields. The speaker identifies common mistakes made during disagreements, such as making the situation about oneself, focusing on winning the argument, and failing to think clearly due to stress-induced 'amygdala hijack.' They emphasize the importance of preparing for difficult conversations, seeing situations from the other person's perspective, and clarifying one's goals before engaging in a discussion. The speaker also discusses the common areas of disagreement in a work context and how understanding these can help depersonalize conflicts.
💪 Embracing Disagreement as a Life Skill
The speaker shares a deeply personal story about the trauma of not speaking up during a critical moment in their life, which led to a lifelong commitment to ensuring they and their daughter have the ability to disagree without fear. They argue that disagreeing calmly and competently is not just a workplace skill but a vital life skill. The speaker acknowledges that not all disagreements end positively and that sometimes people may react negatively regardless of the approach taken. To cope with this, the speaker has adopted a mantra that reminds them it's okay if some people are mad at them, as it's an inevitable part of expressing disagreement. The talk concludes with the speaker expressing gratitude and a reaffirmation of the importance of being able to disagree with kindness and compassion.
Mindmap
Keywords
💡Disagreement
💡Amygdala Hijack
💡Likability
💡Conflict
💡Perspective
💡Emotional Intelligence
💡Productive
💡Compassion
💡Kindness
💡Mantle
Highlights
The speaker shares a personal anecdote about mistakenly sending an email to a client, revealing their true feelings, and the lesson learned from that experience.
The importance of disagreeing and the fear that often prevents people from doing so is discussed.
The concept of 'amygdala hijack' is introduced to explain how stress affects our ability to think clearly during conflicts.
The speaker emphasizes the human tendency to seek likability and how it can hinder open disagreement.
The impact of our current culture on the avoidance of disagreement and the misconception that it equates to disrespect.
The speaker's three-year research journey into conflict and disagreement, leading to the development of practical tools.
Mistakes commonly made during disagreements, such as making the situation about oneself and focusing on winning.
The strategy of preparing for difficult conversations and the importance of perspective-taking.
The insight that disagreements are often not personal but about tasks, goals, or processes.
The personal motivation behind the speaker's research into conflict, including a past traumatic experience and a desire to empower her daughter.
The transformative power of disagreement when approached with compassion and kindness.
The speaker's mantra for dealing with situations where disagreement leads to others being upset.
The idea that disagreement is a life skill, not just a work skill, and its importance in personal relationships.
The importance of being able to speak up and the potential trauma of remaining silent in the face of injustice.
The speaker's belief in the potential positive outcomes of conflict when handled with care and respect.
The conclusion that sometimes people will be mad at you despite your best efforts, and that's okay.
Transcripts
[Applause]
when I was in my 20s I worked at a
management consulting firm based here in
Manhattan and I had a client let's just
call her Marisa who I disagreed with all
the time I thought she was too slow I
thought she was running the project
poorly I thought she was involving the
wrong people at the wrong time did I
tell her any of this instead I had a
coping mechanism anytime
Marissa emailed me I would forward her
email to my work friend and I would say
everything I wish I could say to Marisa
and then I would reply to Marisa and
just agree with everything she had
outlined one time I forwarded an email
[Laughter]
to my work friend
and I wrote in all cats why does she
have to be such a pain in the ass as
soon as I press send I realized what I
had done which you have already realized
and I figured well I'm gonna get fired
and might as well go tell my boss and
fess up I walked over his desk I
explained what had happened and he said
two words that in my opinion were far
worse than you're fired
he said go apologize now to my clients
credit when I showed up at her office
with a bouquet of flowers that for some
misguided reason I thought was going to
help the situation
she said why didn't you tell me why
didn't I tell her I had to think about
that one and what I realized is that I
didn't want to be mean I didn't want to
hurt her feelings
I had fallen into a trap that so many of
us do that thinking that aren't that
disagreement is unkind so I stayed
silent this is what I want to talk to
you about today disagreeing why we're
often afraid to do it but why we should
do it anyway and how we can make
disagreement even conflict productive as
long as we do it with compassion and
kindness now I'm guessing I'm not the
only one in this room who is
accidentally sent an email to the wrong
person and not disagreed with someone
when I should have
right because disagreement can feel like
a threat and our brains unfortunately
are not good at figuring out the
difference between the stress of not
getting our way on a project plan and
the danger of being chased down by a
bear so we go into what Dan Goleman
calls amygdala hijack where the feeling
part of our brain limits access to the
prefrontal cortex put simply under
stress we do not think clearly because
our brain is literally reserving energy
to run now there's also a good deal of
science that shows that we are hardwired
for likability we want people to like us
so much that we imitate their behavior
when they scratch their heads we scratch
ours when they not we not we want to
hear I totally agree we're on the same
page it's how we learn and how we build
connection
now the problem is it seems to have
gotten worse I don't know about you but
in our device of culture what I've
noticed is that we seek out people who
see the world the same way and we avoid
dissension because it feels
uncomfortable
it's as if now saying I don't agree is
the same as saying you are an idiot all
right but if we have any hope of
disagreeing of speaking up we need tools
to counter our natural instincts this is
what I spent three years of my life
doing I read as much research as I could
on conflict and disagreement
I interviewed experts in management and
emotional intelligence in neuroscience
and negotiation and I came up with a
straightforward practical approach and a
set of tools to help people me really
get better at navigating conflicts to
make things work better now what I
learned in this research was that I had
been doing it all wrong not only was I
afraid to disagree but when I was
disagree I was making some crucial
mistakes and in particular these
mistakes might sound familiar to you I'm
guessing some of you make them as well I
was making the situation all about me I
wasn't seeing it from the other person's
perspective and I was entering most
arguments with primary goal of winning I
was fixated on whether I admit it or not
I'm being right and I was having these
conversations in the midst of a MIG
d'leh hijack so I wasn't thinking
clearly and clearly and I ended up
saying things that I didn't feel proud
of that I later regretted one of the
most important things I learned is that
you have to thoughtfully prepare for
difficult conversations like every
single one and now let's be clear though
it's not as if I meant sitting in the
middle of a meeting and someone drops a
snarky comment about my project and I
say could you please hold I'm gonna go
back to my desk
analyze this conversation I'll come back
in a response would like you two to
three hours that's good right no these
are things I do quickly in my head
usually in just 30 seconds the first
thing I now try to do is I try to see
the situation from the other person's
perspective this is the last thing I
want to do because I am focused entirely
on myself but I forced myself to get
curious why are they behaving the way
they are what's motivating them in the
situation and of course my brain
immediately goes to well Amara is being
passive-aggressive because she always
husband I let that SOB go and then I
asked myself what's the most generous
interpretation here maybe Amara is under
pressure from her boss maybe she didn't
get any sleep last night because her kid
is sick my daughter taught me this
lesson when she was 8 years old we were
driving on the highway and these
motorcyclists went whizzing by us at
like a hundred miles an hour and I just
laid into them can you believe they
don't have helmets on look at them I
can't believe they don't have helmets on
that's so unsafe they could get
seriously hurt they could even die and
then she got in for shoes in the back
seat she got into it and she was like
mommy one of them was a woman do you
think she has Kent how dangerous and
then we were both quiet for a moment
and she said mommy maybe they're on
their way to buy helmets
[Laughter]
this is the most generous possible
interpretation of that situation
my daughter has always been quite
insightful about emotions in fact she's
made me believe that we are all born
emotionally intelligent beings and we
spend our lives being drained of that
knowledge so that one day we go into a
bookstore in our 30s and 40s go Oh talk
about emotional intelligence I should
read this right but it's already there
inside us now the second thing I tried
to do is to figure out what I want from
the conversation before I have it now
I'll admit that for most of my adult
life my primary goal in most
conversations was to prove that I was
right and to prove that the other person
was wrong there's a terrible goal right
now what I try to do is think what do I
need from this conversation do I need to
just get this project done on time or
under budget
do I need to preserve my relationship
with that person or do I need to end
this conversation and just move on with
my life if I know what my goal is I can
handle the conversation and I approach
it with purpose now the third thing that
I try to do is to think about what are
we actually disagreeing about in most
work context we assume when we have a
disagreement that it's personal but what
we know from the research about conflict
and negotiation is that we more commonly
disagree about tasks what's called tasks
the goal of the conversation the what we
also disagree about process the how and
of course there are status conflicts
disagreements over the power or
authority who has to make a decision but
if I can figure out what exactly we're
disagreeing about I can D personalize
the conversation which gets me out of
that amygdala hijack
now when I do these three things the
conversation goes much better and I've
moved from avoiding conflict to
approaching them with calm and
confidence
my husband likes to say I got into this
field because I wanted to win all of our
arguments which is not entirely untrue
but there's another reason I started
researching and studying conflict and
disagreement around the time my daughter
turned 10 which is the same age I was
when a family friend molested me it was
a terrible thing to happen to a young
girl on the cusp of becoming a woman but
what was worse in many ways was that I
never told anyone for years in the end
that was the trauma feeling like I
couldn't speak up feeling boys las' not
getting help and as a mother I became
terribly anxious that my 10 year old
daughter would be put in the same
situation I thought about it all the
time
I worried for her and I worried for me
and I took that fear and I channeled it
into something productive in obsession
with the question of how can we disagree
without hurting each other's feelings
because when I look back on my life the
most painful moments are the times or I
didn't speak up because I was afraid of
being impolite or hurting someone's
feelings are overstepping boundaries and
so I stayed quiet
but what I want for my daughter and what
I want for my ten-year-old self - is the
power to disagree the belief that saying
no or even I just don't see it that way
doesn't have to be angry rude that
conflict doesn't have to mean war or
hate or pain that it's part of love it's
what we do well we care about another
person we fight and as long as we do it
with compassion and kindness it can be a
good thing
disagreeing calmly and competently
navigating conflicts is not just a work
skill it is a life skill now I do feel I
need to warn you it doesn't always go
well
and as much as you try to disagree
confidently and calmly and with kindness
and empathy the other person may just
not be happy about it and you may assume
they are on their way to buy a helmet
and they may just soon you're an angry
jerk who is out to get them when this
happens to me and it does I have a
mantra and here's where it came from
there was someone who was an important
part of my life many years ago and we
had lost touch he showed up again at a
party that I was throwing several
summers ago now I knew he had been
through a lot but he did something quite
awkward at this party he sat down at a
drum kit there had been a band and he
started to play this beat and as we all
watched him he started to say the single
line over and over and he was saying the
words to himself really but they were a
gift a gift that I was particularly
happy to receive in that moment because
I had been stressed about that silly
party what anyone show up with the food
be ready on time was I'm going to be
upset that says I was invited but his
words freed me from that worry and he
must have said them fifty maybe a
hundred times until they were etched
into my brain sometimes people are going
to be mad at you and that's okay
sometimes people are going to be mad at
you and with that
sometimes people are going to be mad at
you and these are words I tell myself
pretty much every day there are days I
want to whisper them into my daughter's
ear over and over like a drumbeat but I
don't
she's almost 13 and that would elicit
some serious eye rolling but I do say
them out loud occasionally because that
is the point of a mantra even when we
know something deeply we could all use a
little reminder thank you
[Applause]
[Music]
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