The Real Reason Why Most Men Struggle to Get Women | Jordan Peterson

Summary

The transcript explores the psychological impact of the 'ideal woman' on men, particularly young ones, and how it motivates them to prove their worth, as illustrated in the story of Tom Sawyer. It discusses the fear of rejection and the struggle to differentiate between the ideal and the individual woman. The speaker also delves into the paradox of male self-worth and the societal and evolutionary implications of female selectivity, questioning the nature of value systems in the context of Darwinian survival.

Takeaways

• 🤔 Men often use the image of female perfection as a motivational tool, similar to how a male Bower bird builds something beautiful to attract a female.
• 👦 The story of Tom Sawyer illustrates this point, showing how young boys, like Tom, show off to impress girls, which is a form of seeking approval from the 'eternal feminine'.
• 🧍‍♂️ Modern women may not fully understand the extent to which men are motivated by the desire to impress and be worthy of the feminine ideal.
• 😨 Many young men are paralyzed by fear of rejection from women, which can lead to them making fools of themselves in an attempt to gain approval.
• 👥 The fear of rejection is often in direct proportion to the attraction to the woman, creating a paradoxical situation for men.
• 🦄 Men tend to see women not as individuals but as manifestations of an ideal, which can lead to difficulties in establishing a real relationship.
• 🛡️ In relationships, men must make a 'sacrifice' by letting go of the ideal woman to see and appreciate the individual woman for who she is.
• 🌹 The concept of chivalry is tied to this idea of striving to be worthy of the feminine ideal, which is something that should be encouraged in male partners.
• 🎮 An example of overcoming fear of rejection is given, where men are encouraged to ask for phone numbers from many women to become desensitized to rejection.
• 💔 Rejection can lead to catastrophic thinking where individuals may view themselves as failures, which is not helpful and can be extreme.
• 🧬 Females, especially humans, are sexually selective, and this selectivity has shaped human behavior and value systems over time.
• 🔬 From a scientific perspective, the value systems that drive behavior and selection pressure could be considered 'real' in a Darwinian sense, as they represent successful solutions to survival and reproduction.

Q & A

What is the main idea the speaker is conveying about men's behavior in the context of the story of Tom Sawyer?

The speaker suggests that men, like Tom Sawyer, use the image of female perfection to motivate themselves, showing off to gain approval, much like a male Bower bird building something beautiful for a female's approval.

What does the speaker imply about modern women's understanding of men's motivations?

The speaker implies that modern women may not fully understand the extent to which men are motivated by the desire to be worthy of the 'eternal image of the feminine' and may not recognize the chivalrous nature of men's actions.

How does the speaker describe the fear young men have towards women, especially in the context of rejection?

The speaker describes young men as being paralyzed by the fear of rejection from women, to the point where it can lead to self-deprecating behavior and an inability to see women as individuals rather than manifestations of a judgmental ideal.

What is the 'sacrifice' the speaker refers to that men must make in order to have a relationship with a woman?

The sacrifice is giving up the idealized image of a woman and instead recognizing and accepting the individuality of the woman they are interested in, differentiating between the ideal and the real person.

Can you explain the analogy of the hero in Sleeping Beauty as mentioned by the speaker?

The analogy of the hero in Sleeping Beauty is used to illustrate the process of overcoming the fear of the 'chaos dragon' or the fear of rejection, in order to establish a real relationship with the actual princess, or the real woman.

What activity did the speaker mention that was done by the men in his client's group to overcome the fear of rejection?

The men in the client's group were encouraged to ask 50 women for their phone numbers in one day as a way to confront and overcome their fear of rejection continuously.

How does the speaker relate the fear of rejection to the concept of being a 'walking catastrophe'?

The speaker uses the term 'walking catastrophe' to describe the extreme negative self-assessment some people make when facing rejection, implying that they view themselves as complete failures in the eyes of the opposite sex.

What does the speaker suggest is the logical inference some people make when they are rejected by someone they are attracted to?

The speaker suggests that some people may logically infer that their rejection is a sign of being a failure as a human being, especially if the rejection comes from someone they have projected an ideal onto.

How does the speaker discuss the role of female choices in shaping human behavior and value systems?

The speaker posits that female choices, particularly in terms of sexual selectivity, have played a significant role in shaping human behavior and value systems, and that these choices have been a driving force in human evolution.

What is the speaker's perspective on the scientific validity of value systems that drive human behavior?

The speaker questions why value systems that influence behavior and are subject to natural and sexual selection are not considered 'real' or 'true' in a scientific sense, challenging the idea that they are merely epiphenomenal.

How does the speaker describe the fundamental judgment that can occur when approaching someone for a romantic interest?

The speaker describes it as a real judgment where the person being approached may decide that while they don't mind the physical presence, they believe the genes of the person approaching should not continue, often translated into a polite rejection like 'let's be friends'.