Why people DON'T LIKE IT when you are NICE to them: mind the gap in your attraction

Summary

In this video, Dr. Orion Taraban explores why people often react negatively when someone is nice to them. He explains that when you show affection, it can unintentionally create an uncomfortable power imbalance, especially if the gesture isn't reciprocated. This dynamic triggers a response where the person being treated nicely may act ungrateful or disrespectful, trying to recalibrate the relationship's balance. Dr. Taraban also discusses how people’s preferences for being adored or adoring others play into this, and emphasizes that genuine kindness should not always expect recognition, which can lead to more satisfying relationships.

Takeaways

• 😀 People may not like it when you're nice to them because it can create an uncomfortable power imbalance in the relationship.
• 😀 The concept of the 'Attraction Gap' explains how some people prefer to be adored, while others prefer to be the adorer.
• 😀 Relationships are dynamic, and people’s preferences about their role (adorer vs. adored) can shift over time.
• 😀 Non-reciprocal acts of kindness can increase the attraction gap, making the other person uncomfortable if they feel overwhelmed by being adored.
• 😀 When someone reacts negatively after you show affection, they might be unconsciously trying to recalibrate the balance of attraction.
• 😀 Negative reactions (e.g., contempt or ingratitude) can be an attempt to reduce the attraction gap and regain a sense of control.
• 😀 Selfless acts of kindness are often motivated by the desire for acknowledgment or recognition, even if we don’t admit it.
• 😀 The key to understanding why people react negatively to kindness is recognizing that their discomfort is often a form of feedback.
• 😀 Insisting on continuing to give when someone is uncomfortable with it can come off as selfish, disregarding their preferences.
• 😀 True selflessness in giving is shown when you can offer kindness without expecting any acknowledgment or reciprocation from the other person.

Q & A

Why do people sometimes not like it when you're nice to them?

People may feel uncomfortable with the imbalance in the relationship when someone is overly nice to them. When affection, gifts, or attention is not reciprocated, it increases the power gap between individuals, which can lead to negative reactions like ingratitude or contempt.

What is the 'balance of attraction' referred to in the script?

The balance of attraction refers to the dynamics of power in relationships, where some people prefer to be adored while others prefer to adore. This balance can be influenced by the size of the power gap between individuals, which varies based on personal preferences.

How do people’s preferences for roles in relationships impact their reactions to kindness?

Some people prefer to be adored, while others like to adore others. If someone is placed in the role of the adored, and the power gap becomes too wide, they may feel uncomfortable and respond negatively, even if the kindness is genuine.

What happens when there is a non-reciprocal act of kindness?

In a non-reciprocal situation, where one person shows affection or appreciation and the other doesn't reciprocate, it increases the power gap. This often leads to the recipient feeling uncomfortable and may provoke negative responses like ingratitude or disrespect.

Why do people react negatively when they don't reciprocate kindness?

When people don’t reciprocate kindness, they may be subconsciously trying to recalibrate the imbalance in the relationship. Their negative behavior is often an attempt to communicate that the gap in attraction makes them uncomfortable.

Does showing kindness always lead to positive reactions in relationships?

No, showing kindness does not always result in positive reactions. If the recipient feels the power gap between you and them is too large, they may respond negatively, as they may prefer a more equal or different dynamic.

Is it selfish to want acknowledgment when doing something nice for someone?

It’s not necessarily selfish to want acknowledgment for your kindness, but it can be self-deceptive if you deny that desire. Many people seek recognition for their good deeds, even if they say they just want to help without expecting anything in return.

What does the speaker suggest about doing nice things anonymously?

The speaker encourages introspection: if you genuinely want to make someone's life better, would you still offer kindness or gifts anonymously? If recognition matters to you, it suggests that there’s a desire for positive regard, which is a natural human tendency.

How does the concept of 'virtue is its own reward' relate to the discussion?

The concept 'virtue is its own reward' is discussed to highlight that some people may give without expecting anything in return. However, even these people might still receive rewards, whether internally or externally, but their virtue is not based on the need for acknowledgment.

How can the message in the script help improve interpersonal relationships?

Understanding the dynamics of attraction and the power imbalance in relationships can help individuals recalibrate their behavior. By being mindful of the recipient’s preferences and adjusting kindness accordingly, one can foster healthier, more comfortable interactions and relationships.