Simon Sinek - Do you love your wife?

Summary

The speaker emphasizes the importance of consistency over intensity in leadership, drawing parallels to personal relationships and habits like exercising and brushing teeth. They argue that leadership is built through the accumulation of small, consistent actions that foster trust and loyalty. The analogy of a family is used to illustrate the deep connection between leaders and their teams, highlighting the need for genuine care and support. The speaker also touches on the challenge of scaling leadership in large organizations and the concept of courage being derived from the support of others.

Takeaways

• 💡 Love and leadership are built over time through consistent, small actions rather than single, grand gestures.
• 🏋️‍♂️ The effectiveness of actions, like going to the gym, is measured by their consistency, not their intensity.
• 🌱 Commitment to a relationship or leadership role is demonstrated through daily acts of service and care.
• 📅 It's challenging to pinpoint a specific moment when love or trust is established; it's the accumulation of actions that matter.
• 🦷 Daily habits, like brushing teeth, are analogous to the small, consistent actions that build leadership and trust.
• 👫 The depth of relationships is not measured by individual events but by the ongoing, mutual support and care.
• 🌟 True leadership is shown in the mundane, everyday interactions that reflect genuine care for others.
• 🤝 Leadership is a commitment to creating a culture where people feel like they are part of a family, looking out for each other.
• 🔗 The power of a strong corporate culture lies in its ability to foster loyalty, where employees feel a deep connection to their colleagues and the organization.
• 📈 Long-term success in leadership is marked by stable growth in traditional metrics and lower employee turnover due to strong relationships.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the transcript?

The main theme of the transcript is the concept of leadership, emphasizing that it is about consistency in small actions over time, rather than grand gestures or events.

How does the speaker compare love in a relationship to leadership?

The speaker compares love in a relationship to leadership by stating that both are built on consistent, small actions over time rather than single, intense events. Both require commitment and daily effort.

What is the analogy the speaker uses to explain the importance of consistency in leadership?

The speaker uses the analogy of going to the gym and brushing teeth daily to explain the importance of consistency in leadership. Just as physical fitness and dental health are the result of regular, small efforts, so too is effective leadership.

What does the speaker suggest is the key to building trust in a relationship?

The speaker suggests that the key to building trust in a relationship is not grand gestures but the accumulation of small, consistent acts of kindness and attention over time.

How does the speaker describe the impact of consistent leadership practices on a company's long-term success?

The speaker describes the impact of consistent leadership practices as leading to increased stability, improved metrics such as revenue and market share, and better employee retention and loyalty in the long term.

What is the significance of 'Dunbar's number' in the context of the transcript?

Dunbar's number is mentioned to illustrate the limit to the number of close relationships humans can maintain, which is about 150. This concept is used to discuss the challenges of leadership in large organizations where personal connections cannot be made with every individual.

Why does the speaker say that traditional metrics are not sufficient for measuring leadership in the short term?

The speaker says that traditional metrics like revenue and market share are not sufficient for measuring leadership in the short term because leadership is about building relationships and trust, which are difficult to quantify and take time to develop.

What is the role of 'courage' in leadership according to the speaker?

According to the speaker, courage in leadership is not an internal quality that one finds within oneself but is instead derived from the support and trust of others. It is the belief that someone has your back that gives you the courage to make difficult decisions.

How does the speaker define a 'good leader'?

A 'good leader' is defined by the speaker as someone who consistently performs small acts of kindness and care, genuinely listens to others, and fosters an environment where employees feel valued and supported.

What is the speaker's view on the role of corporate culture in creating a sense of family among employees?

The speaker views a strong corporate culture as essential in creating a sense of family among employees, where they feel a deep sense of loyalty and commitment to each other, akin to the bonds between siblings.

How does the speaker relate the concept of leadership to the idea of raising children?

The speaker relates leadership to raising children by suggesting that leaders should care for their employees' success and well-being in the same way a parent cares for their children, teaching them skills, providing discipline, and helping them build self-confidence.

Outlines

00:00

💪 Consistent Actions Build Leadership

The first paragraph discusses the nature of love and leadership through the analogy of going to the gym. It emphasizes that love and leadership are built over time through consistent actions rather than single, intense events. The speaker argues that just as working out consistently leads to physical fitness, so too do small, consistent acts of kindness and attention build love and trust in relationships and leadership. The speaker also highlights the importance of daily practices and the accumulation of small acts that, when done consistently, lead to significant results in both personal relationships and in leading others.

05:01

🌟 Cultivating a Strong Corporate Culture

The second paragraph focuses on creating a strong corporate culture by fostering common beliefs and values among employees, akin to how parents raise their children. The speaker discusses the long-term benefits of investing in people, such as increased loyalty and reduced turnover. They also touch on the idea that while traditional metrics like revenue and market share may not show immediate improvements, they will become more stable and robust over time due to the strengthened relationships within the organization. The speaker also mentions Dunbar's number, which suggests a limit to the number of close relationships humans can maintain, and how this affects leadership in large organizations.

10:03

🤝 The Power of Supportive Relationships

The third paragraph delves into the importance of supportive relationships in providing the courage to make difficult decisions. The speaker explains that courage is not an internal trait but comes from the external support and belief of others. They argue that the relationships we build over time not only help us become better leaders but can also provide emotional support during challenging times. The speaker concludes by stating that these relationships can inspire others to act courageously and that they can be a source of strength and resilience.

Keywords

💡Love

Love in the context of the video is used metaphorically to describe the deep emotional connection and commitment that forms the foundation of a relationship, whether personal or professional. It is exemplified by the speaker's analogy of love in a marriage, where it's not a single grand gesture but the accumulation of small, consistent acts of care and attention that build love over time. The video emphasizes that love is a critical component in leadership, where leaders show genuine care for their team members, which in turn fosters loyalty and dedication.

💡Leadership

Leadership, as discussed in the video, is not about a single defining moment but the consistent application of small, meaningful actions that build trust and respect over time. It is likened to the process of building physical fitness through regular exercise, where the results are not immediate but become evident with persistence. The speaker argues that true leadership is demonstrated through daily acts of service, care, and attention to others, which collectively contribute to a strong and cohesive team.

💡Consistency

Consistency is highlighted as the key to both personal relationships and leadership effectiveness. The video uses the analogy of going to the gym and brushing teeth to illustrate that it's not the intensity but the regularity of actions that leads to significant outcomes. In the realm of leadership, consistency in showing up for team members, in both good times and bad, is what ultimately builds a strong and loyal team.

💡Commitment

Commitment is portrayed as the act of dedicating oneself to a course of action without wavering, even when the immediate results are not visible. In the video, the speaker emphasizes that commitment to a relationship or to a leadership role is about making a series of small, everyday choices that, over time, culminate in significant and meaningful outcomes.

💡Transitions

Transitions refer to the process of change and development over time. The video uses the concept to explain how love and leadership are not static states but evolve through a series of actions and experiences. The speaker suggests that understanding and navigating transitions effectively is a critical aspect of both personal relationships and leadership roles.

💡Trust

Trust is a central theme in the video, described as the outcome of consistent, reliable actions over time. The speaker argues that trust in leadership is built through the accumulation of small, trustworthy acts, which ultimately leads to a team's willingness to follow and support the leader. Trust is also a two-way street, with leaders needing to trust their team members to act in the best interests of the organization.

💡Metrics

Metrics in the video are used to discuss the challenge of measuring the effectiveness of leadership and relationships in the short term. The speaker points out that while traditional metrics like revenue and market share are important, they may not reflect the true health of an organization or a relationship. Instead, the speaker advocates for a focus on the 'metrics' of daily interactions and consistent care, which may not be immediately quantifiable but are crucial for long-term success.

💡Courage

Courage, as discussed in the video, is not an innate quality but a feeling that arises from the support and trust of others. The speaker explains that courage to make tough decisions and lead effectively comes from the knowledge that there is a team behind you, ready to support and back you up. This external validation is what gives leaders the strength to act with conviction.

💡Inspiration

Inspiration in the video is depicted as a contagious force that stems from the actions and attitudes of leaders. When leaders demonstrate courage, dedication, and care, they inspire their team members to follow suit. The speaker suggests that inspiration is not a solitary endeavor but is born from the relationships and connections that leaders build and nurture within their teams.

💡Dunbar's Number

Dunbar's Number is a concept introduced in the video to explain the limitations of human social relationships. It refers to the cognitive limit to the number of people with whom one can maintain stable social relationships, which is around 150. The speaker uses this concept to discuss the challenges of leadership in large organizations, where it's impossible for a single leader to know everyone personally, but the leader can ensure that each team member feels cared for by their immediate supervisors.

Highlights

Love and leadership are about consistency and small acts over time, not single intense events.

Leadership is compared to going to the gym; immediate results are not visible, but consistency leads to long-term change.

Commitment to small, consistent acts builds trust and love in relationships and leadership.

Daily practices like brushing teeth or small acts of kindness are mundane but essential for long-term success.

Leadership is not about grand gestures but the accumulation of small, consistent actions.

True leadership is demonstrated in the mundane, everyday interactions, not just during significant events.

The importance of listening and showing genuine care for others' experiences in building relationships.

Leadership is about creating a culture where people feel like they are part of a family.

The concept of 'brother's and sister's' in a corporate culture signifies deep loyalty and unity.

Leadership is about fostering an environment where people feel supported and cared for by their managers.

The challenge of measuring leadership's effectiveness in the short term versus its long-term impact.

The traditional metrics of success, like revenue and market share, improve with consistent leadership practices.

Employee churn decreases with strong leadership, as people are more likely to stay loyal to a company they love.

The importance of common beliefs and values in creating a strong corporate culture.

Leadership is about raising a team to succeed more than you ever could alone, akin to parenting.

Courage in leadership comes from the support and trust of others, not from internal fortitude alone.

Inspirational leadership is about fostering relationships that inspire others to follow and act courageously.

The role of a leader is to ensure that those in their charge feel cared for and supported.

The concept of Dunbar's number and its implications for leadership in large organizations.

Transcripts

do you love your wife yes right prove it

like what's the metric give me the

number that helps me know right because

when you met her you didn't love her

right now you love her right

tell me of the day the love happened

it's an impossible question right but

it's not that it doesn't exist it's that

it's much easier to prove over time

right

so all leadership is the same thing it's

about transitions so if you were to if

you were to go to the gym right sit like

exercise right if you go to the gym and

you workout and you come back and you

look in the mirror you will see nothing

and if you go to the gym the next day

and you come back and you look in the

mirror you will see nothing right so

clearly there's no results can't be

measured it must not be effective so we

quit right or if you fundamentally

believe that this is the right course of

action and you stick with it like in a

relationship

I bought her flowers and I wished her

happy birthday and she doesn't let me

clearly I'll give up you know that's not

what happens if you if you believe

there's something there you commit

yourself to act an act of service you

commit yourself to the regime the

exercise you couldn't screw it up you

can eat chocolate cake one day you can

skip a skip a day or two you know you it

allows for that but if you stick with it

consistently I'm not exactly sure what

day but I know you'll start getting into

shape I know it and the same with the

relationship it's not about the events

it's not about intensity it's about

consistency right you go to the dentist

twice a year your teeth will fall out

you have to brush your teeth every day

for two minutes what is brushing your

day twice a day for two minutes do

nothing unless you do it every day twice

a day for two minutes right it's the

consistency going to the gym for nine

hours does not get you into shape

working out every day for 20 minutes

gets you into shape so the problem is we

treat leadership with intensity we have

a two day off-site we would invite a

bunch of speakers we give everybody

certificate you're a leader right

those things are like going to the

dentist they're very important that good

for reminding us are getting us back on

track learning new lessons but it's the

daily practice of all the monotonous

little boring things like brushing your

teeth that matter the most she didn't

fall in love with you because you

remembered her birthday and bought her

flowers in Valentine's Day she fell in

love with you because when you woke up

in the morning you said good morning to

her before you checked your phone she

fell in love with you because when you

went to the fridge to get yourself a

drink you got her one without even

asking she fell in love with you because

when you had an amazing day at work and

she came home and she had a terrible day

at work you didn't say yeah yeah yeah

but let me tell you about my day you sat

and listened to her awful day and you

didn't say a thing about your amazing

day this is why she fell in love with

you I can't tell you exactly what day

and it was no specular thing you did it

was the accumulation of all of those

little things that she woke up one days

and is as if she pressed a button she

goes I love him right leadership is

exactly the same there's no event

there's no thing I can tell you you have

to do that your people will trust you it

just doesn't work that way it's then

it's an accumulation of lots and lots of

little things that anyone by themselves

is innocuous and useless literally

pointless by themselves people will look

at little things that are good

leadership practice and say that won't

work and you're absolutely right but if

you do it consistently and you do it in

combination with lots of other little

things like saying good morning to

someone that looking in the eye my

friend George was a three-star general

in the Marine Corps he says his test for

leadership and I love this he goes his

test really a good leaders if you ask

somebody how their day is going you

actually care about the answer and the

number of times were walking to a

meeting we're rushing we go how are you

not good I gotta get to you later I got

him late for a meeting if you ask the

question you were standing there and

you're listening to the answer it's

those little innocuous things that you

do over and over and over and over that

people will say I love my job not I like

my job I like my job means yeah the

challenge is great they pay me well I

like the people I love my job means I

don't want to work anywhere else I don't

care how much somebody else will is

willing to pay me

I'm devoted to the people here and I

care desperately about the people here

as if they were my family in business we

have colleagues and co-workers in the

military they have brothers and sisters

that's how they think of each other

right if you really have a strong

corporate culture the people will think

of each other like brothers and sisters

don't really it's like a family right no

brothers and sisters deep love fight but

the love doesn't go away right bicker

the love doesn't go away and I'll fight

with my sister but if you threaten my

sister you're gonna have to deal with me

right right we'll fight internally we'll

bicker with each other but nobody's

gonna hurt each other and if anything

from the outside shows up you got it

you're looking at a unified front

brothers and sisters now how do you

create brothers and sisters out of

strangers common beliefs common values

you know parents in other words

executives who care about their

children's success who care to raise

their children teach them skills

discipline them when necessary help them

build their self-confidence so that they

couldn't go on and achieve something

more than you could have ever imagined

achieving for yourself that's leadership

an absolute love and devotion for the

people who've committed their lives to

this enterprise that's such a brilliant

reframe it's so simple

and so beautiful and and unbelievably

hard work it is and it isn't

here's here's why it is you said it it's

hard to measure right it's hard for me

to show hard to measure in the short

term it's very easy to measure in the

long term over the long term the

traditional metrics will go up all your

revenues profits market share the

traditional metrics will go up and more

importantly they'll go up more stable

right you will be able to weather hard

times better because the people will

come together they won't abandon ship

right in the over the long term the

traditional metrics are just fine but

also over the long term your churn will

go down right you won't be going through

employees as much right over the long

term you'll find that loyalty is much

higher that people will turn down better

paying jobs right over the long term all

the

additional metrics are just fine and

then some it's only the short-term that

it's hard to measure I mean it's a human

thing so just as you know how your body

feels after a good workout you know how

your body feels after a big greasy meal

you know you you know that one is good

for you and one is not you know despite

what it may taste like and that's the

problem with short-term gains right they

feel really good in the short term so

it's it's we're highly highly highly

trained social animals we're highly

adapted social animals you know we we

can feel social awkwardness and we can

feel when things are going well you know

we you can sense it you say you have

this sense of laughter you know around

the office like we're not we're not we

don't walk around with blinders when

we're like I said we're made to do this

you know that's why we can assess if

somebody's trustworthy or not you know

puts why we keep our walls and I go yeah

yeah his results are great but I

wouldn't trust him right you know as

opposed to letting on your be like I

trusted for anything I trusted my kids

my money anything you know so so we're

highly attuned animals and so we're good

at sensing it but I will say there is a

caveat to to your to your metric of

laughter which is a decent one is that

scale breaks things right in human

beings as I said before we're not made

for populations bigger than about 150

ish it's called Dunbar's number Robin

Dunbar professor from Cambridge

University theorized that we cannot

maintain more than a hundred and about

about 150 close relationships and the

way he defined a close relationship is

if you're at a bar with a bunch of

friends and somebody comes in would you

ask that person to join you or not and

we it's about a hundred and fifty that

we would ask them to come join us and if

you think about the reason that actually

makes perfect sense which is there's two

limiting factors one is time if you only

gave two minutes to every person you

know you can make no close friends and

the other one is memory you just can't

remember everybody and so this is where

leadership leadership becomes very very

interesting because if you have a

company that has a lot of people five

six seven eight hundred and people a

thousand two thousand five thousand

people clearly you can't know everyone

and clearly as a CEO look I care about

everything one of my people you don't

even know some of the people you work

for a real but we work for you

ambassadors you don't care about this

so it's a nun's it's a nonsense

statement right right but what you can

say is I desperately care about the

people whose names I know and whose

faces I recognize and I care desperately

about my leadership and I instill in

them every day that I will give them the

tools and I will take care of them with

one purpose of one purpose only that

they will take care of the people in

their charge and I want those people to

take care of the people and instill in

them that they take care of the people

in their charge and then by the time you

get down to the masses where the actual

thousand exist because of the seniors

it's like 20 sure right where the real

thousand exist they feel about a hundred

and a hundred and fifty of them can look

to one of their direct leaders to one of

their direct managers and say that

person cares about me mm-hmm that's our

boss that's my boss that's my leader not

the leader it's the CEO that's my

manager my boss my leader sometimes

sometimes you get fired sometimes you

get in trouble sometimes you'll lose

your job and the next guy will get all

the credit it's all true and the courage

to do the right thing in the face of

overwhelming pressure only the best

leaders have that courage only the best

leaders and here's the folly courage is

not some deep internal fortitude you

don't dig down deep and find the courage

right it just doesn't exist

courage is external our courage comes

from the support we feel from others in

other words when someone when you feel

that someone has your back when you you

know that the day that you admit you

can't do it someone will be there and

say I got you you can do this that's

what gives you the courage to do the

difficult thing it's not going off to an

ashram by yourself somewhere for four

weeks and coming back and finding the

car it's not what happens it's the

relationships that we foster it's the

people around us who love us and care

about us and believe in us and when we

have those relationships we will find

the courage to do the right thing and

when you act with courage that in turn

will inspire those in your organization

to also act with courage in other words

it's still an external thing that's what

inspiration is right I'm inspired to

follow your example

but those relationships that we foster

over the course of a lifetime will not

only make us into the leaders we need to

be in and hope we can be but they'll

often save your life they'll save you

from depression they'll save you from

giving up they'll save you from any

matter of you know negative feelings

about your own capabilities your own

future when someone just says I love you

and I will follow you no matter what