How To Be Yourself - Become Your Authentic Self Right Now
Summary
TLDRIn this video, Leo from actualized.org discusses the importance of being authentic and the challenges of overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. He delves into the reasons why individuals suppress their true selves and offers insights on how to embrace authenticity despite potential social costs. Leo emphasizes that seeking validation from others is not a path to true fulfillment and encourages viewers to recognize the sacrifices they make for approval, ultimately advocating for a life of self-expression and genuine happiness.
Takeaways
- π Authenticity is crucial for personal fulfillment and happiness. Leo emphasizes the importance of being true to oneself rather than living up to others' expectations.
- π« Overcoming the fear of what others think is a significant step towards being authentic. Leo discusses the struggle of being a people pleaser and the need to stop caring excessively about others' opinions.
- π€ The script explores the reasons behind the difficulty of being oneself, such as negative beliefs and social conditioning that bury one's authentic self.
- π‘ Leo suggests that people who are comfortable being themselves often appear more grounded and less concerned with others' judgments.
- π¦ The metaphor of a 'shining beacon' within each person is used to illustrate the authentic self that is often obscured by layers of conditioning and beliefs.
- π The mental image one has of how they appear to others is identified as a major obstacle to authenticity. This self-consciousness can be stifling and prevent self-expression.
- π The script describes the pursuit of approval as a 'drug' that can be psychologically addictive and ultimately unfulfilling.
- π The realization that seeking validation, love, sex, money, or approval from others will not lead to true inner fulfillment is a key insight.
- π Leo advises shifting the balance from being overly empathetic to others' opinions to a more self-expressive stance, without advocating for disregard of others' feelings.
- π He encourages viewers to write down areas of life where authenticity might incur costs, to assess whether the current sacrifices are worth the pursuit of being genuine.
- π The final takeaway is the practice of mindfulness to observe oneself 'whoring out' in subtle ways, to become conscious of the moments when one is not being authentic for the sake of others' approval.
Q & A
What is the main topic of the video by Leo from actualized.org?
-The main topic of the video is about learning how to be yourself and your authentic self, and overcoming the challenges of being a people pleaser and worrying about what others think.
Why does Leo suggest that people often bury their authentic selves?
-Leo suggests that people bury their authentic selves because of layers of negative beliefs, limiting beliefs, social and religious conditioning, and bad parenting that cover the 'shining beacon' of their true selves, preventing their light from breaking through.
What does Leo mean by 'whoring yourself out' in the context of the video?
-In the context of the video, 'whoring yourself out' means acting inauthentically, not being true to oneself, and sacrificing one's values and opinions to gain approval, love, money, or other perceived benefits from others.
What does Leo identify as the core reason people care about what others think of them?
-The core reason people care about what others think of them, according to Leo, is because deep down they believe that others can offer something of true and lasting value, such as approval, which feels good and becomes a psychological need.
How does Leo describe the illusion of seeking happiness from external validation?
-Leo describes the illusion as chasing after shallow things like approval, love, money, and assistance, which can never provide true inner fulfillment, and instead, one should seek happiness from within.
What is the practical exercise Leo suggests at the end of the video to help viewers become more self-aware?
-Leo suggests a practical exercise where viewers write down a list of all the ways and areas in their life where being authentic might incur costs or create friction, and then to consciously observe themselves 'whoring out' and notice these behaviors without judgment over the next day.
What is the potential downside of being your authentic self according to Leo's discussion?
-The potential downside of being your authentic self, as discussed by Leo, includes the possibility of people disliking you, losing relationships, or even facing professional consequences, as not everyone may react positively to your authenticity.
How does Leo define 'pretention' in the context of the video?
-In the context of the video, 'pretention' is defined as holding back your true opinions and acting in a way that you believe will be perceived positively by others, rather than being true to who you are.
What does Leo argue is the key to personal fulfillment and success in life?
-Leo argues that the key to personal fulfillment and success in life is to be your authentic self, as authenticity makes you magnetic and attractive, leading to more genuine relationships and opportunities.
What is the role of empathy in the discussion about caring too much about what others think, as presented by Leo?
-Leo discusses that while empathy is important, being overly empathetic and reactive to what others think can be detrimental. It can lead to a loss of self and an excessive need for approval, which ultimately does not lead to true happiness or fulfillment.
What is the significance of the 'shining beacon' metaphor used by Leo?
-The 'shining beacon' metaphor represents one's authentic self. Leo explains that when this beacon is covered by layers of negative beliefs and conditioning, it becomes obscured, preventing the individual from shining and being their true selves.
Outlines
π§ββοΈ Embracing Authenticity
Leo from actualized.org introduces the topic of authenticity, discussing the struggle to be one's true self and the challenges of overcoming people-pleasing tendencies. He shares his personal journey and the impact of societal and personal conditioning that can bury one's authentic self. Leo emphasizes the importance of unearthing this inner light to achieve success and fulfillment in life, suggesting that being genuine is key to personal magnetism and happiness.
π€ The Paradox of Empathy
The second paragraph delves into the issue of being overly empathetic to the point of self-neglect. Leo explains that caring excessively about others' opinions can lead to a loss of self-identity. He argues for a balanced approach, suggesting that a shift towards self-expression and less concern for approval is necessary for personal growth. The core issue is identified as a psychological need for validation, which can become a crutch and prevent true happiness and fulfillment.
πΈ Selling Out for Shallow Gains
In this paragraph, Leo addresses the concept of 'whoring oneself out' for superficial gains such as approval, love, sex, money, or assistance. He criticizes this behavior as a form of self-betrayal, where individuals sacrifice their authenticity for temporary satisfaction. Leo challenges the audience to reconsider the value of these pursuits, pointing out that they do not lead to lasting fulfillment and can trap individuals in a cycle of seeking external validation.
π Accepting the Costs of Authenticity
Leo acknowledges the potential costs of being authentic, such as negative reactions or even the loss of relationships and jobs. However, he argues that the benefits of being true to oneself outweigh these risks. He encourages the audience to accept that not everyone will like them and that striving for universal approval is futile. Instead, he suggests that authenticity attracts the right people and opportunities, leading to a more stable and fulfilling life.
π Practical Steps to Authenticity
The final paragraph provides practical advice for embracing authenticity. Leo instructs the audience to identify areas of life where being genuine might incur costs and to write down potential consequences. He then asks them to reflect on whether these costs are worth it, encouraging a decision to be authentic despite the risks. Leo also suggests a mindfulness exercise to observe and call out instances of self-betrayal, promoting self-awareness and conscious decision-making.
π The Wisdom of Being Yourself
In the concluding paragraph, Leo emphasizes the timeless wisdom of being true to oneself, suggesting that this principle has been supported by centuries of philosophical and psychological thought. He invites viewers to subscribe to his newsletter for more insights and resources on personal development. Leo offers exclusive content and the chance to win free coaching sessions, positioning actualized.org as a platform for mastering the mind and achieving desired life outcomes.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Authentic self
π‘People pleaser
π‘Social conditioning
π‘Approval
π‘Empathic
π‘Self-expression
π‘Fulfillment
π‘Pretension
π‘Inner fulfillment
π‘Assertiveness
π‘Mindfulness
Highlights
The video discusses the importance of being authentic and the challenges of people-pleasing.
Leo shares his personal struggle with being a people pleaser and its impact on his life.
The analogy of the 'shining beacon' within us being obscured by layers of conditioning is introduced.
The difficulty of success and fulfillment when one's authentic self is buried is highlighted.
The concept of being overly empathetic and its detrimental effects on self-expression is explored.
The idea that caring too much about others' opinions can stifle personal growth is presented.
The video suggests that the need for approval is a psychological crutch that can be harmful.
The false belief that external validation leads to true happiness is debunked.
The notion that one must sometimes sacrifice social acceptance for personal authenticity is discussed.
The video challenges the audience to consider the real costs of not being true to oneself.
The practical exercise of listing potential costs of being authentic in various life areas is suggested.
The importance of accepting that not everyone will like you when you are being genuine is emphasized.
The video posits that being authentic can lead to more meaningful and stable success.
The mindfulness exercise of observing oneself 'whoring out' in daily interactions is proposed.
The final call to action encourages the audience to sign up for Leo's newsletter for further personal development.
The video concludes with a reminder that being oneself is a key to mastering one's mind and life outcomes.
Transcripts
hey this is Leo for actualized.org and
in this video we're going to talk about
how to be
yourself all right so let's break into
this one how do you be yourself how do
you be your authentic self how do you
stop
acting for other people
how do you stop being a people pleaser
and how do you honor who you really are
this is something that I've actually
struggled with for pretty much most of
my life and it's been a really tough
journey and that's held me back in a lot
of ways always being a people pleaser
and always worrying about what other
people thought about me I have other
videos uh I have a great video up there
that talks about how to stop caring what
other people think about you so you
might want to check that one out as well
but here let's talk about how to be
yourself so what I want to go into is
some of the reasons of why you're
behaving this way why you're having
difficulty being yourself and I want to
give you a couple of ideas about how to
start to turn that around so that's what
this video is going to be about real
quick basically you can probably notice
that there are people in the world that
are comfortable being who they are
they're very grounded they're very solid
it's almost like they don't give a [Β __Β ]
there's that type of person maybe you
have friends that are like that or
you've met people like that and then
there's the other type of person which
is the type of person that is always
living afraid living afraid of what
other people will think of
them and what they do is they take their
authentic self and they bury
it and their authentic self it's like
this uh this Shining Light that's inside
of them right picture like a little sun
inside of you this shining Beacon of
light but what happens is that you put
layers and layers of uh negative beliefs
and limiting beliefs and social
conditioning religious conditioning uh
bad parenting you put all that on top of
it until that that that shining Beacon
is so covered in Grime and dust and mud
that literally none of the light can
break through just maybe in little
places where you have a crack here or a
crack there and what you've got is
you've got this uh very unilluminated
unilluminated Beacon and that's what's
fueling you and that's how your life
your life is coming from that from that
place and if you come from this place
it's hard to be successful in life it's
also hard to be truly fulfilled and
truly happy because your authentic self
is buried and you've got all this logic
and reasoning and beliefs around why it
should remain buried and so unless you
go in there and start to dig around
really you're not going to fix it what's
going to happen is that you're going to
keep it buried for the rest of your life
and you're not going to be
self-expressive the way you want to be
you're not going to be your glowing
radiant self and you're not going to be
magnetic and so people will not really
be attracted to you as much as they
should be and you're going to have
trouble in your relationships you're
going to have trouble in business and
career you're going to have trouble with
communication skills with uh speaking to
people with uh personal fulfillment too
so it's not just about how you interact
with others but your personal
fulfillment you're going to lack
fulfillment on a deep level because
you're not able to express yourself so
let's talk about what some of the things
that are holding you
back the biggest thing that's holding
you back is that you've got this mental
image you've got literally a mental
image or even a movie that you play of
what you look like from other people's
points of view right it's as though
you're being watched I can speak about
this very articulately because I'm
talking from my own personal direct
experience here is that I have this and
I've had this for a long time i' I've
really numbed it down lately over the
last 5 years I've really worked a lot of
those issues out but I still I still
have that lingering and I'm still
working through this is that I still
when I'm you know when I'm just walking
through a crowd or I'm at of Starbucks
or I'm at the gym or even when I'm
sitting at home it's always as though
I'm being watched through a camera I
kind of have that sense it's like a six
sense and on some level this can be nice
there could be maybe some advantages to
that you're a little bit more reflexive
you kind of you're more aware and
conscious of what you're doing but it's
also stifling because you're always
looking at yourself as you were looking
and judging yourself uh as a third
person right and you put yourself into
other people's shoes and you ask
yourself well what does that person
think of me you know how did how did
this play off how did what I say affect
them how did that affect their mood
their
feelings and that whole game you start
playing this game of what other people
think about you and you tell yourself
that this is actually okay that this is
the right way to live and you tell
yourself that the reason you do this is
because you're an empathetic person
because you actually care about other
people
and that's what I told myself as well uh
the problem is that you're too
empathetic like everything in life there
has to be a balance right and the
problem here is that you're overly
reactive to what other people think
about you I'm not telling you to be a
dick I'm not telling you to be an
[Β __Β ] or a [Β __Β ] what I'm telling you
is that if you
are having difficulty being yourself and
you care a lot about what other people
think about you then you need to shift
the scale to the other side a little bit
towards the un caring side don't worry
you're not going to go overboard it's
going to be too hard for you to become
totally cold and heartless you're not
going to ever get there so but we do
need to start to shift you so basically
you have to stop caring about what other
people think about you anything that
will get you to stop caring is going to
improve your function in life is going
to make you more
self-expressive I think the core of why
you care about what other people think
about you is because somewhere deep down
inside of you you feel like what they
offer you can have true and Lasting
value now really think about this
because this is a deep
idea somewhere deep down inside you tell
yourself that this person that you're
interacting with whether at work or in
your relationship in your family with a
friend that this person can give you
something and that something is is so
meaningful is so valuable that you need
it and therefore you will do whatever it
takes to get
it now this could be a tangible material
thing like money but in most cases it's
not that it's more ethereal what you're
actually after is you're you're after
approval what you want is approval and
approval feels so good right when your
self-image is validated by other people
when people tell you that you're a nice
person when people compliment you on how
you dress on how you look on how sexy
you are on how masculine you
are on how confident you are when people
tell you how good a provider you are how
much money you're making how much status
you have how cool your car is how good
you're doing at work how excellent you
are how proud they are of you right all
of this all these things uh are
basically uh ways of lavishing you with
approval and it might sound on the
surface like well what's wrong with that
you know what's wrong if someone tells
me that they love me what's wrong if
someone tells me I did a good job when
in fact I did do a good
job what's wrong with someone giving me
a compliment on how dressed if I really
put in a lot of time and effort and
dressed really nice shouldn't I get
complimented for those
things I mean there's nothing really
wrong with that as long as you're not
going overboard the problem is when you
start to need it psychologically it
becomes like a crutch it literally
becomes like a drug a drug for approval
and it can be really difficult to wean
yourself off of this and what you're
telling yourself deep down somewhere
unconsciously is that actually this
approval is is something valuable it's
something like unique you want it it's
so it's so important right either that
or something tangible that you're
getting maybe it's the the sex that
you're getting from your relationship
you're telling yourself that well that's
something I want that's something that's
valuable to
me that money that you're getting maybe
from your parents or from someone that's
supporting you or even from your job you
know you tell yourself well I really
need that
money or that love that you're getting
in a relationship or with your friends
or you know wherever that support that
you're getting the assistance that
you're getting maybe somebody is helping
you with something and so you feel kind
of indebted to that person a little bit
obligated you don't want to rub them the
wrong way you know what if you say
something honest to that person and then
because of that they think that you're
some sort of weirdo or they think that
they no longer want to associate with
you you know that might affect your work
relationships maybe that affects your
business prospects maybe that your
clients will think poorly of you maybe
it'll get back around to to to your
Social Circle so you have all these
kinds of thoughts and because of this
you think that this is like all these
things sex money love assistance
approval all these things are valuable
and what you're going to discover if you
really delve into personal development
is you're going to discover that they're
actually not valuable at
all and what I mean by this is that they
can never give you true inner
fulfillment these are all things that
you can chase and these are all things
that are very illusory and will make you
feel like you're getting it you know
like oh if I could just get a little bit
more money a little bit more sex a
little bit more love a little bit more
uh you know support from my friends a
little bit more approval from the people
at work or from my boss then I will be
happy but that's a big big trap it's uh
a misunderstanding of really how
happiness and fulfillment work and
really what you're looking for is you're
looking there for stimulation and
excitement rather than true happiness
this is too deep of a topic to cover
here if you're really interested in what
true happiness is I have a great video
on that it's called what is happiness go
ahead and search for it there I talk
about some very Advanced deep Concepts I
go further into this idea of of What
happiness is and that it's not what you
think it is but for now you're just
going to have to Teck me at my word that
these things are really not going to
make you
fulfilled and so really what you're
doing is uh when you're kind of playing
up to somebody else you know when you're
holding back your opinions when you're
trying to act so that you're perceived
in a good way that's basically
pretention we might call that pretention
and ultimately what you're doing is I
want you to realize this is that you're
you're whoring yourself out you're being
a [Β __Β ] very
literally what does that mean that means
that you're acting you're not being
authentic to you you're not being
yourself somehow you're sacrificing that
so that you can get a positive reaction
from somebody
else right and this happens everywhere
in life and it can happen in very very
subtle ways I mean literally you could
be whoring yourselfself out when you go
to to a Starbucks
right you go to a Starbucks and there's
a long line and you're standing in line
and you're about to go up and place your
order and all of a sudden someone like
kind of cuts in front of you as though
they had an order before you but you
know that they're like they're trying to
to get their way in there so they cut in
front of you but you say to yourself
well what should I do like I really
don't like the fact that they cut I
should call them out on it but on the
other hand I don't want to like cause
this whole Ruckus and I don't want to
like impose myself right I don't want to
be perceived as being the jerk like I
don't want that guy to think that I'm
being rude or something and so you kind
hold yourself back right and you just
stand there and you're like well I'll
just let him go it's not a big deal but
see what happened there even though
that's like a very small insignificant
seeming thing the significance of that
is that you weren't you weren't being
yourself you weren't being authentic
there because authentically you were
upset at that situ at that person at
that situation and you felt like the
right thing to do uh was to call them
out on it but you hesitated you held
back and the reason you held back was
because uh you didn't want you know
there was there was something that you
were whoring yourself out for
so in this case it just might have been
you didn't want him to think bad of you
that person that cut you didn't want him
to think bad of you and so you just let
it slide and if you do that at Starbucks
I can only imagine where else you do it
in your life in your intimate
relationships in your business at work
at the gym right it just um it's it's a
philosophy that you have and I know
because I've come from this place and so
you lack assertiveness you lack
confidence and you basically sacrif
yourself and your own values but more
than that you sacrifice your um your
soul basically you're basically selling
your soul for a little hit of approval
you're selling your soul for a little
hit of of love or sex or money or some
of that assistance that you're getting
um in your life somewhere so I want you
to recognize that is that that's what
you're doing so maybe that sex you might
tell me Well sex has value to me I
really enjoy sex and love has value for
me I need love in my life and I you know
I need money what's wrong with money how
am I going to pay the bills if I don't
have money and you know what's wrong if
I need somebody to assist me you know
people need assistance from other people
well there's nothing wrong with it but
uh you know is it worth the cost of
selling out your soul is it worth the
cost of all the Fulfillment that you're
sacrificing that you're laying on the
table because that's what you're doing
and the worst of it is is that not only
are you whing yourself out in both
subtle and big ways but you're doing it
for something that will never make you
fulfilled so I understand if you hoard
yourself out for something that would
actually last would be of actual lasting
value to you but that's not the case
here
right someone's opinion of you is not
going to make you any more fulfilled if
everybody in the world loved you that
would not make you more
happier than anybody else really it
wouldn't go and penetrate deep in here
it would look nice on the surface and it
might make you happy for a few days or
for a few weeks or maybe even a month or
so but it's not really going to make you
satisfied and having all the money in
the world being the richest person in
the world in and of itself is not going
to make you any really more satisfied
not on the inside it'll look nice on the
outside and same thing for you know the
love that you're getting from a
relationship and the same thing with uh
any kind of approval you're getting from
your friends or your boss or your
co-workers it's just not it's not going
to work because the happiness is is got
to come from inside out rather than from
outside in
so you're whing yourself out really for
something that's actually very very
shallow too so that's the worst of it is
that you're whing yourself out for that
so what's the solution well the solution
is to accept that there are real costs
to being you there are costs to being
you right there's a cost for standing up
to truth sometimes people might think of
you
badly sometimes you might get fired for
that right sometimes maybe you'll even
get thrown in jail for that certainly a
lot of cases in history of famous
figures uh who that's happened
to certainly your uh your spouse might
actually leave you and your girlfriend
or boyfriend they might break up with
you if you actually are your authentic
self so those are the costs there are
costs I'm not saying that those are
necessarily going to be the costs that
you incur but those could be some of the
costs of being
you now you know what's the flip side of
this well the flip side of this is that
you don't need everyone to like you and
in fact it's not even possible to make
everyone like you even if you do
everything perfectly so you have to just
accept that certain people will not like
you and that it doesn't really
matter in fact your best strategy in
success chances at success in life
chances at fulfillment and chances at
most the most people liking you is to be
yourself because when your yourself your
authentic self you're magnetic you're
attractive people want to be near you
maybe not the same people that want to
be near your fake self right now so
acknowledge that I'm not saying that you
can maintain everything in your life as
it is and still be yourself you might
need to make some sacrifices there might
be some costs because chances are right
now You' hoard yourself out and now you
have some social debts right and when I
tell you to stop uh caring about other
people and start being authentic well
you're going to come up with all sorts
of reasons about why that's too costly
for you you're going to say well then my
boss will say something bad um my job
might be in danger uh my relationship
might be in danger something else might
be in
danger well what's more important to you
is it more important to you for you to
be getting those shallow things or is it
more important for you to be
self-expressive to really be yourself to
really be fulfilled inside and then to
act from that and to live your life from
that and to create a business from that
place to create a career from that place
to create a nice relationship from that
place what's more
important I mean you can still keep
whoring yourself out if you want to but
in the end being a [Β __Β ] is not a good
way to to go through life so my
suggestion is to to bite the bullet on
this one and be yourself despite the
costs in fact what I'll have you do is
uh we're going to wrap with this
something practical I want you to write
down a list of all the ways and all the
areas in your life where if you started
to really act yourself really honest
with yourself
and expressing yourself honestly where
you might incur some costs where there
might be some friction and some tension
what are those debts that you're now
kind of sunk into I want you to write
those down at work in your relationship
you know in any kind of interactions
you're having with other people um any
any area of Life write them down maybe
you think that you'll have strain in
your marriage maybe you'll think you'll
have strain at work so write those down
and be specific about what the costs are
and then when you survey the whole list
of costs I want you to
say am I satisfied with these
costs or am I going to decide to be my
authentic self despite the costs [Β __Β ]
the costs be
yourself you're going to be much happier
and ultimately you're going to be more
successful too it just might take a
while for you to recreate your life a
little bit because some of those things
might actually fall off your you know
off uh out of your life and when they do
you have to be okay with it because you
have to recognize that when you are your
authentic self now people it's going to
be better it's going to be more of a a
stable success because now people that
are going to be attracted to you and
situations that you're going to be
involved in those are going to be more
authentic they're going to be aligned
with you right rather than being the
Sham that they are right now so you got
to stop living this uh this sham kind of
life and the final exercise that I'm
going to wrap on is is the following is
I want you to uh observe yourself over
the next day in very subtle ways I want
you to see how you're whoring yourself
out and I want you to call yourself out
on it so for example if someone sends
you a simple little email and you want
to reply to it but then all of a sudden
you kind of stop yourself and your
natural reply you want to kind of uh you
know you want to soften the edges of it
you don't want to be coming off too
impolite or too rude or you're worried
about what that other person is going to
uh how he's going to interpret your
response and you kind of dumb down your
response on that email make it kind of
sweet and polite well notice that notice
what you're doing there is that you are
whing yourself out to get a positive
reaction from that person and at that
point I don't want you to judge yourself
this is kind of mindfulness I also have
a video on mindfulness you want to check
out this is a practicing mindfulness is
you just you just observe yourself whing
yourself
out and you don't judge yourself you
don't say this is bad or good you just
let it be and you just follow through
carry it through hoard yourself out but
be conscious this time do it consciously
and I want you to do that for the whole
day and notice the subtle little ways in
which you're doing it kind of like that
Starbucks example that I gave you all
right so this is Leah I'm going to be
signing off be yourself don't be a [Β __Β ]
all right you're going to be much
happier not being a [Β __Β ] trust me on
this one uh this has been uh well proven
through uh through hundreds and
thousands of years of uh of wisdom books
and knowledge that have been written on
this stuff so it's definitely a solid
principle to follow is to be yourself
and pay the costs I'm signing off post
me your comments down below please like
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