DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT: HEALING YOUR CHRONIC ANXIETY AND AVOIDANCE

Summary

This video script delves into the complexities of disorganized attachment in children, characterized by contradictory behaviors and heightened emotional arousal. It explores the impact of such attachment on self-development and emotional regulation, often stemming from caregiver inconsistency and emotional neglect. The speaker candidly shares personal experiences, offering insights into the healing process, which includes recognizing and managing anxiety, setting boundaries, and fostering self-compassion. The script emphasizes the importance of understanding one's attachment style to improve relational dynamics and emotional well-being.

Takeaways

• 🧩 Disorganized attachment in children can manifest in contradictory behaviors, including both deactivating and hyperactivating attachment styles.
• 🔍 These children often exhibit more dissociative experiences and have a heightened state of fear arousal, leading to greater negative emotional arousal compared to children with other attachment styles.
• 🚼 The capacity for affect regulation is poor in children with disorganized attachment, resulting in chronic negative affect states and inhibited play and exploration behaviors.
• 🏠 The speaker reflects on their own upbringing, noting the emotional neglect and unpredictability from their parents, which contributed to their disorganized attachment style.
• 🔑 The concept of 'outside-in' orientation is introduced, where individuals constantly scan their environment to gauge emotional safety, often at the expense of their own needs and feelings.
• 🔄 The speaker discusses the wide swings between anxiety and avoidance common in disorganized attachment, and the need for alone time to feel safe and calm.
• 🤔 The importance of distinguishing one's own emotions from those of others is emphasized, especially for those who have a tendency to empathize or take on the emotional states of people around them.
• 👨‍👧 Parentification and enmeshment are highlighted as potential impacts of disorganized attachment, where children may take on adult roles or responsibilities inappropriate for their age.
• 💪 The necessity of managing one's own anxiety and nervous system regulation through practices like mindfulness, breathing exercises, and yoga is discussed.
• 🚫 Recognizing and addressing the tendency to shut down and numb emotions, which can lead to isolation and missed opportunities for connection and growth.
• 🔄 The tendency to repeat unhealthy relationship patterns from childhood into adulthood is noted, with advice to be aware and take time in forming new relationships.

Q & A

What are the contradictory behaviors exhibited by children with disorganized attachment?

Children with disorganized attachment show behaviors that are both deactivating and hyperactivating. They have more dissociative experiences and behaviors than other children and are often in states of unmitigated high fear arousal.

How does disorganized attachment affect a child's emotional state?

Disorganized attachment leads to significantly greater negative emotional arousal compared to children with other attachment prototypes. It also contributes to a poor capacity for affect regulation, resulting in chronic negative affect states.

What impact does disorganized attachment have on a child's play behavior?

Observation of play behavior in children with disorganized attachment reveals marked inhibition in playful exploration, as well as frightening, explosively angry, and helpless states.

How does the experience of living in hyper vigilance affect individuals with disorganized attachment?

Living in hyper vigilance creates a constant dilemma for individuals with disorganized attachment. They are always scanning and interpreting their environment, which can lead to over-interpretation and a sense of never being able to relax their guard.

What is the core issue with the attachment style described in the script?

The core issue is that the source of safety, the attachment figure, was also the source of fear. This creates a conflict where the very person one should seek for security is also the one they might need to avoid or fear.

Why do individuals with disorganized attachment often feel safe only when they are alone?

They feel safe when alone because it is the only time they can turn off their hyper vigilance. Being alone allows them to regulate their emotions and feel secure without the need to constantly scan their environment for potential threats.

What are some of the challenges faced by individuals with disorganized attachment in their relationships?

Challenges include wide swings between anxious and avoiding behavior, difficulty in self-regulation, and a tendency to repeat unhealthy relationship patterns learned from their caregivers.

How can individuals with disorganized attachment work on separating their emotions from others?

They can work on recognizing when they are taking on others' emotions and learn to differentiate between their own feelings and those of others. This involves developing a stronger sense of self and understanding that they are not responsible for fixing others' emotions.

What is the significance of managing anxiety in the body for individuals with disorganized attachment?

Managing anxiety in the body is crucial as it helps with nervous system regulation. Techniques such as breathing exercises, mindfulness, and yoga can aid in calming the body and reducing the constant state of fight or flight that these individuals often experience.

Why is it important for individuals with disorganized attachment to recognize when they are shutting down and numbing?

Recognizing when they are shutting down and numbing is important because it can help them understand their reliance on maladaptive coping mechanisms. This awareness can lead to healthier ways of dealing with stress and emotional overload.

How can individuals with disorganized attachment address the issue of repeating unhealthy relationship patterns?

They can address this by being aware of their tendencies to repeat certain relationships, taking time in the dating process to understand their partners, and working on self-awareness to break the cycle of choosing partners who mirror their early attachment experiences.

What role does dissociation play in the life of someone with disorganized attachment?

Dissociation can be a coping mechanism for dealing with overwhelming emotions or traumatic experiences. It may manifest as maladaptive daydreaming or fantasizing, which can serve as an escape but also hinder real-life connections and experiences.

What is the importance of self-compassion and self-love for healing from disorganized attachment?

Self-compassion and self-love are vital for healing as they allow individuals to accept their past experiences, give themselves grace for their struggles, and work towards change from a place of self-acceptance rather than self-blame.

Outlines

00:00

😔 Disorganized Attachment and Emotional Challenges

The first paragraph discusses the complex behaviors and emotional struggles associated with disorganized attachment in children. These children exhibit contradictory behaviors, heightened dissociation, and are often in states of high fear arousal. They also have poor affect regulation, leading to chronic negative emotional states. The narrator reflects on their own experiences with disorganized attachment, including wide swings of anxiety and avoidance, and the impact of their emotionally neglectful and unsafe upbringing. They describe the hyper-vigilance and the need to always be on guard due to their parents' emotional instability and rageful behavior, which has led to a lifelong struggle with trust and a preference for solitude to feel safe.

05:02

😢 The Impact of Disorganized Attachment on Adult Relationships

This paragraph delves into the long-term effects of disorganized attachment on adult relationships and self-regulation. The narrator explains how the constant scanning for safety and the tendency to take on others' emotions can lead to a lack of self-awareness and neglect of personal needs. They discuss the 'outside-in' orientation, where individuals base their internal state on external cues, often at the expense of their own feelings. The paragraph also touches on the difficulty of managing these responses without shame or guilt, acknowledging the survival mechanisms that were necessary during childhood and the ongoing process of healing and self-regulation.

10:03

🤯 Coping Mechanisms and the Struggle with Emotional Boundaries

The third paragraph focuses on the coping mechanisms developed by individuals with disorganized attachment, such as hyper-vigilance and emotional numbing. It discusses the struggle to separate one's emotions from those of others, especially in close relationships, and the tendency to take on the emotional burden of others. The narrator emphasizes the importance of recognizing and owning one's feelings while allowing others to feel their own, and the challenge of setting boundaries and avoiding the compulsion to fix others' problems.

15:05

🧘‍♀️ Strategies for Healing and Self-Regulation

Here, the narrator outlines strategies for healing and self-regulation, which include managing anxiety through physical practices like yoga and mindfulness, as well as recognizing when one is shutting down or numbing out. They discuss the importance of not using distractions as a constant crutch and being aware of the impact of such behaviors on relationships and personal well-being. The paragraph encourages seeking help when necessary and being gentle with oneself during the healing process.

20:07

🔄 Breaking the Cycle of Repeated Relationship Patterns

The fifth paragraph addresses the tendency to repeat unhealthy relationship patterns, particularly the attraction to partners with traits similar to those of one's emotionally challenging parents. It advises taking time in the dating and partnering process to avoid repeating past mistakes. The narrator also discusses the confusion between dependence and attachment bonding, emphasizing the importance of understanding the difference and its impact on relationships.

25:15

👨‍👧‍👦 Addressing Parental Relationships and Dissociation Tendencies

In this paragraph, the focus is on examining and addressing the current relationship with one's parents as a crucial step in healing. The narrator suggests that unresolved issues with parents can hinder progress and lead to the repetition of past traumas. They also discuss the impact of dissociation, a common coping mechanism in childhood, and its potential to disrupt present relationships and self-awareness. The importance of recognizing and managing dissociation tendencies is highlighted, along with the overall message of self-love and acceptance as part of the healing process.

🎬 Conclusion and Acknowledgment of Survival

The final paragraph concludes the video script with a reflection on the resilience and survival of individuals who have experienced disorganized attachment and its challenges. The narrator emphasizes the importance of self-compassion, acceptance, and the gradual process of change and growth. They acknowledge the profound impact of attachment experiences on one's life and encourage viewers to embrace self-love and understanding as a means to heal and move forward.

Keywords

💡Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized Attachment is a type of insecure attachment where children exhibit contradictory behaviors due to the caregiver being a source of both safety and fear. In the script, it's mentioned that children with disorganized attachment have more dissociative experiences and poor affect regulation, leading to chronic negative emotional states. The video discusses how this attachment style can affect one's life, including the tendency to feel unsafe and the need to be constantly on guard.

💡Hypervigilance

Hypervigilance refers to a state of heightened sensitivity to one's surroundings, often as a response to a perceived threat. In the context of the script, individuals with disorganized attachment may live in a constant state of hypervigilance, always scanning for potential danger or emotional triggers, which can lead to chronic stress and exhaustion.

💡Parentification

Parentification is a role reversal in the parent-child relationship where the child takes on responsibilities typically held by parents, such as providing emotional support or managing household tasks. The script discusses how this can lead to issues with boundaries and self-worth, as the child may grow up feeling responsible for the parent's emotional state.

💡Enmeshment

Enmeshment is a term used to describe a boundary-less relationship where the identities of two or more individuals are fused. In the video, it is mentioned that enmeshment can occur in families where a child is overly involved in the parent's life, leading to difficulties in establishing a separate sense of self.

💡Affect Regulation

Affect Regulation is the ability to manage and respond to one's emotions in a healthy way. The script highlights that children with disorganized attachment have a poor capacity for affect regulation, which contributes to their negative emotional states and can affect their behavior and relationships throughout life.

💡Dissociation

Dissociation is a psychological process where a person disconnects from their thoughts, feelings, memories, or sense of identity. The video script describes how parents with disorganized attachment may have dissociated from their own trauma, leading to unpredictable and frightening behavior, which in turn can cause the child to dissociate as a coping mechanism.

💡Anxiety and Avoidance

Anxiety and Avoidance are two common responses seen in individuals with disorganized attachment. The script discusses personal experiences of having 'wide swings of anxiety and avoidance,' indicating a fluctuation between seeking safety and avoiding potential threats, which can be rooted in early attachment experiences.

💡Self-Development

Self-Development refers to the process of improving oneself, often in terms of emotional, intellectual, or social growth. The script mentions that due to inhibited exploratory behavior, self-development can be markedly impaired in individuals with disorganized attachment, affecting their ability to form healthy relationships and engage in playful exploration.

💡Relational Patterns

Relational Patterns are the recurring themes or behaviors observed in an individual's relationships. The video script describes how individuals with disorganized attachment may have relational patterns that signal to them that people are not safe or trustworthy, leading to a constant fear of abandonment.

💡Nervous System Regulation

Nervous System Regulation involves the body's ability to manage stress and maintain a state of balance. The script discusses the importance of managing the nervous system through practices like mindfulness and breathing exercises to help individuals with disorganized attachment cope with their chronic stress and anxiety.

💡Compulsive Caregiving

Compulsive Caregiving is a behavior where an individual feels a constant need to take care of others, often at the expense of their own needs. In the script, it is mentioned as a tendency that can arise from disorganized attachment, where the individual may become overly responsible for the emotional well-being of others, leading to resentment or burnout.

Highlights

Children with disorganized attachment exhibit contradictory behaviors and heightened dissociative experiences.

These children often experience unmitigated high fear arousal and greater negative emotional arousal compared to others.

Disorganized attachment is characterized by a lack of affect regulation and chronic negative affect states.

Play behavior in such children shows inhibition, lack of exploration, and explosive or helpless states.

Self-development in children with disorganized attachment is significantly impaired due to inhibited exploratory behavior.

The speaker identifies with having a disorganized attachment style and wide swings of anxiety and avoidance.

The concept of disorganized attachment involves a caregiver who is both a source of safety and fear.

Children with disorganized attachment often have parents with unresolved trauma or emotional dysregulation.

The 'outside in' orientation is a result of constantly scanning the emotional state of caregivers.

Disorganized attachment leads to difficulties in setting boundaries and respecting one's own needs.

Suggestions are provided for managing anxiety and nervous system regulation through various techniques.

Recognizing and managing tendencies to shut down and numb emotions is crucial for healing.

The importance of separating emotions and hypervigilance from others in relationships is emphasized.

Examining the impact of parentification and enmeshment on one's life and attachment style is necessary.

Compulsive caregiving tendencies and conflict avoidance often stem from disorganized attachment dynamics.

The speaker discusses the need to balance the desire for dependence with the reality of healthy attachment bonding.

Addressing the relationship with one's parents is key to healing from disorganized attachment trauma.

Learning to live in the gray area and avoid black-and-white thinking is part of the healing process.

Dissociation tendencies should be recognized and managed to prevent reenacting disorganized attachment trauma.

The speaker concludes by emphasizing self-love, acceptance, and the importance of attachment experiences in personal growth.

Transcripts

[Music]

foreign

[Music]

children with disorganized attachment

show multiple contradictory attachment

behaviors both deactivating and

hyperactivating

they have more dissociative experiences

and behaviors than other children and

are often in states of unmitigated High

fear arousal

and overall shows significantly greater

negative emotional arousal than children

with other attachment prototypes they

have a poor capacity for affect

regulation

which contributes to their chronic

negative affect States

observation of their play Behavior

reveals marked inhibition a playful

exploration as well as frightening

explosively angry and helpless States

in part because of inhibited exploratory

Behavior

self-development is markedly impaired

[Music]

so it took me a long time to actually

understand and admit that while I had

learned about disorganized attachment

and thought it was like you know

your classic person who has borderline

which very much can be

it's also taken me you know a while to

understand through myself and patience

that I myself also have

wide swings of anxiety and avoidance and

I don't have borderline but I definitely

have relational patterns that say to me

people will abandon you and they're not

safe don't trust them to people are

stressful and the only way to feel

totally calm is to be alone

I made it to talk about this uh this

last week and this is really what it

looks like I am someone who has a more

disorganized style and I see it for this

reason

but in my childhood both of my parents

were at times loving but really at the

core emotionally neglectful emotionally

dangerous and unsafe because they both

had significant patterns of attachment

lack of security because they would be

angry and rageful and very you know

eggshell type you know they could both

be set off out of nowhere because of my

mother's own diagnosis I believe her own

parentification and enmeshment with me

and all of that taught me that I needed

to be prepared and on guard at all times

now the flip side to that is that the

way that I managed myself was I would go

into my room alone or I would hear her

coming home so I would do my chores and

then go be playing with Barbies or

whatever homework listening to music I

spent so much of my childhood physically

alone

because my mom was gone I was a latchkey

child and raised by one working parent

and or I chose to be alone and what has

happened is I can have these wide swings

this is what I see so often with

disorganized attachment is that

on the one hand we had this experience

of living in hyper vigilance like we are

always scanning that has never left us

and so we're always reading everybody

and over interpreting and then the flip

side to that is that we only feel like

oh my God

I can I can feel safe now I can turn

that hyper vigilance off

when we are alone

and that is the topic of today's video

how for many people who have this style

they have these wide swings between

anxious and avoiding behavior and

hopefully some you know suggestions and

ideas about what you can do about it to

begin to work on it

on it as a quick reminder though let's

talk about what kind of defines

disorganized attachment now for this one

the idea is that the source of safety

the attachment was also the source of

fear so the very person you were

supposed to go to for security was also

the person you might want to be afraid

of or running from or hiding from or you

know repeatedly shaped and wounded by in

some circumstance and so as I always say

you've heard me say if you've watched my

videos that you know um and this isn't

my thought this is what the research

says but the kids will choose the

attachment we have to find a way to get

our bare minimum needs met and if that

means enduring abuse or wounding so be

it a child cannot go out and provide for

their own emotional and physical needs

you know under a certain age

and so the caregivers here often the

research shows that on the clinical end

we do see parents with disorders like

borderline unresolved trauma emotional

you know dysregulation bipolar disorders

schizophrenia where the alcoholism or

substance abuse right these are wide

degrees of

um engagement where the parent can't

really settle and be safe and so we see

a lot of caregivers who are frightening

and frightened we see caregivers who

dissociate who rage who are aggressive

who what they say in the research Loom

large in the child's face right getting

in their face like what's wrong with you

why are you doing that or maybe they're

doing to the partner in front of you

these parents were constantly having

their emotions much like an anxious

attachment spill over into the child's

world and I would argue so much so that

your wiring becomes where is mommy daddy

parent where what is happening with them

and and I don't need to look at my own

feelings first I'm always looking at the

parent to determine what is the

temperature in the room right now the

house the car whatever

and that becomes what we call or what

You Know Dan Brown calls the outside in

orientation

we go about our lives always looking

first to the outside to then determine

the inside and in the process we neglect

our own needs and don't even often know

what they are our own feelings and also

it helps us numb and not feel what we

might feel if we let ourselves feel it

if that makes sense right so it's a

great distraction but at the core this

hyper vigilance was a safety tool and so

kids are faced with this constant

dilemma we're often really you know kids

who really struggled to have our needs

met consistently it's like I've you know

it is like walking on eggshells it's

like I don't know what to expect so I'm

always going to be expecting that there

will be eggshells

and so the problem is that this plays

out in every relationship in our lives

from certainly our intimate ones the

most but and even our work environments

or parenting

we are always scanning and yet our

nervous systems are often you know

chronically ill fatigued depleted and

many of us will also need to isolate to

be safe in our bodies and regulate and

so it's really a difficult place to be

if you're not aware of it and trying to

work on and manage kind of how you have

these responses but you want to look at

them without shame or any kind of guilt

and understand that this is what you had

to do to survive and you are probably

never going to wake up and be completely

healed it's just it's ridiculous to

think that your entire childhood you

were wired a certain way and you'll

never feel that way again what I believe

can change over time is of course there

is as you hopefully live although we

often repeat these relationships but

let's say we're past that stage and

we're working on it and we learn to live

in more calm States we learn more

self-regulation we try to find healthier

people we don't necessarily make

ourselves feel bad when we need to take

care of our alone time we give ourselves

space to breathe we give ourselves Grace

and compassion or at least we try when

we don't do any of these things well

and parenting obviously can be a huge

trigger if you're you know get if you

get triggered back to your own childhood

with your own kids but you know you own

it you say I'm sorry you work on it you

know and you're not going to be perfect

and as I've said and I'll keep saying a

million times you can learn to going off

camera here off uh frame you learn to

not live in it you learn to not live in

it so let's talk about some things that

you can do because at the core there's

often a fear and this like isolation and

loneliness and longing like they're all

kind of like intertwined in this big

mess of a ball and so let's talk about

what you can do to help heal and

recognize heal meaning being in the

healing process

to try to make your life and your

attachment Dynamics feel better for you

so what can you do number one is to

separate and work on separating the

blending of your hyper vigilance and

emotions from everyone else

what do I mean by that I mean that

because we are so used to taking on and

holding the parents state of mind and

feelings and emotions

we often blend into everyone else's

feelings right we don't have a good

separation of self so for example like

when my kids would get really upset

um or even now it's been even harder as

they're adults and they're struggling I

tend to want to take that on right I

feel it I literally feel their moodiness

if they're in the house or if they're

down or swear if they're across the

world I still feel it and I often flip

it into being like oh of course they're

struggling because I messed up this and

that's their trauma and yeah maybe it is

but maybe it isn't and so or if they're

in the house and let's say they're home

visiting they're just Moody you know

it's like I can take that personally and

be like really just feel that that is

the historical conversation around being

an empath which I think to be honest is

like really just us and training to

manage these intense environments but

there really is a very thin barrier and

so between us and other people we are

often highly sensitive because we are

living in that chronic scanning fight or

flight state

and then we're interpreting and making

meaning of it and so basically I have to

work on saying okay this is not you this

is let's say your partner your child

these are their feelings you're allowed

to have feelings about that but to work

on separating yourself and not owning

emotions that don't belong to you and

then blaming yourself for them so it's

really really important

um or to think you have to like fix them

people need to feel their feelings and

this is especially triggering in our

partners and kids or close relationships

where we just want to fix it and we

really don't know we can't do that so

learning to separate and try to walk

alongside and realize is this me or is

this them and then do some work on

yourself number two look at your

tendencies in terms of everything around

parentification and enmeshment and how

that has impacted you and so if you have

a more disorganized attachment system

there's a very good chance that there

was a lot of blending with your parent

to you whether it was you acting in a

functional role running the house a more

emotional role you being the parents

therapist your best friend

and so all that often gets put you know

then flipped on to you and so you become

a perfectionist or never good enough or

you have a hard time respecting

boundaries or setting boundaries so I

would say go back and look at some

videos I've done on this on this issue

because it's really important to look at

if you have a more disorganized style

there's a very good chance that you do

struggle with a lot of the issues that

are really a part of coronification and

enmeshment number three examine your

compulsive caregiving so that's the

outside in orientation you being a

caretaker which you pretty much have to

do to that kind of fawning Behavior at

times to also survive in really eggshell

type homes and so on the one hand you

just want to like focus on everybody

else but the flip side of that is you

also are conflict averse you don't deal

with conflict

and so you avoid it you shut it down it

feels really scary but maybe then you

take too much and you blow and so you

really want to look at how much do you

say yes as a caregiver and then maybe

like feel resentful and blow later or

how often do you just keep saying yes to

the point where you're just like

physically unwell because you avoid

conflict because to you actually

speaking up for yourself feels like

conflict so a lot of us have danger

around anger and that's a whole other

concept but it's really important to

look at how do you deal with anger

conflict and self-advocacy number four

work on managing your anxiety in your

body so this is all of the poly Bagel

Theory stuff the nervous system

regulation you know breathing

mindfulness cardio guided meditations

all the things to do pausing literally

in the moment

slowing down and breathing so yoga all

of that stuff those are important number

five work on recognizing when you are

shutting down and numbing this is very

very common we use addictions we use

shopping we use distractions we use

binge watching whatever it is because we

are needing to shut down and like I said

in the beginning that's okay we might

need to but try to pay attention to when

you're using it as it is always your

go-to and you just feel flooded so you

shut down and isolate flooded shut down

isolate to the point where it is keeping

you from experiences connections

relationships things like that and for

example let's say if you're a parent and

you are doing this and you are literally

like you know if you need a break from

your child that is important but if you

are repeatedly staying in your bed all

day or or you know you are you're

numbing out and that is the heart of

attachment right parents and child need

to have a reciprocal generally warm

relationship so just because you're

popping in a meal for them or putting

the TV on we all go through stages of

struggle and depression things like that

but that is the sign for you to get help

because that will have an impact of

course on you and even more so which you

obviously don't want is to kind of carry

on that generational trauma so like it's

like having Grace and and knowing that

you won't be perfect but also not being

afraid to say you know what I I need

help like I can't do this and I know

getting help isn't easy either that is

also a whole other video but just pay

attention to how often you're doing that

and when it's like okay like I need this

and when it starts to become really um

disruptive to your life and

relationships

the next one is look at your strong

Tendencies to repeat these relationships

and here's the thing especially if you

had what I would call an extremely

dysregulated emotionally difficult

relationally relationally difficult

parent who might fit the criteria of

borderline who might be narcissistic

with Rage or you know just controlling

behaviors or emotionally toxic

emotionally unsafe especially if they

were really emotionally dysregulated

it's very common for actually even

people who have more borderline

disorders to be attracted initially to

people who have narcissistic traits

because in comparison The Narcissist

will present as I'm not dysregulated I'm

confident I've got it together I can

manage you I can hold things I'm I'm

safe and that is where we can often

repeat the pattern so if you had what I

have described as what you think might

be a parent with strong borderline

traits be really aware if you can and

take your time in The Mating and dating

and having babies process if you can

I didn't know this when I did all this

and so I had to learn the hard way much

much later down the road but I wish I'd

really understood that that I was like

primed to see certain qualities as oh

this will feel secure and safe when

really all it was was narcissism hidden

in a different attachment pattern that

was actually more avoidant and the

avoidant felt safer than the chaotic

anxious part of the borderline parent

type so remember that too you might be

drawn to what feels like oh this person

is never going to be emotionally chaotic

oh God that feels so much better but

then you wake up one day and they have

like no emotional connection to anyone

let alone themselves or you or your kids

the next one is to look at honor the

confusion around your needs for wanting

to be dependent and taking care of

somebody and the reality of what that is

spelled like and so the truth is that we

often long to be finally safe and secure

and cared for like I was saying in the

last part and that we confuse you know

um attachment security with trying to

find a way to have you know a safer

dependence and that actually there's a

difference between dependence and

attachment bonding and so in the

research we talk about independence is

like I depend on you to give me food in

and maybe a place to sleep but

attachment bonding is about so much more

it's about how you engage with me how

you regulate your emotions how you

respond to my caregiving needs right how

you deal with your feelings so pay

attention to how all of that can show up

not just in you and how you show up in

the world in other relationships but how

you choose people and how you respond

fun and things like that

number eight stop and explore the nature

of your current parent relationship you

have right now and so I discussed this a

lot in my course it's like you can do

all the therapy in the world but if you

are not let's say if you have more

wounded parents but if you are not

dealing with your wounded parents in

some way whether it's setting boundaries

and that's going well or having a more

tea party relationship and that's going

okay it's not great but it's better than

fighting or feeling bad or if it doesn't

work out completely you've tried

everything and going no contact if you

don't deal with the heart of those

wounds that is where the wound began and

you're still in the same child role with

your parents who are still not you know

you know safe emotionally it is really

hard to make progress in any form of

healing so that's really important and

also to not watch it play out in your

future relationships

and lastly to work on two more things

which is your balance because with with

this type of childhood we tend to split

ourselves much like in borderline and

narcissism where it's like everything is

all good or all bad it's all black or

all white

we do that to ourselves so we're all

good or all bad right we're perfect or

imperfect we're never perfect if let's

be honest but like we want to be but the

bottom line is that we don't know how to

live in the gray area and so much of

life is this gray area and so

learning how to just like before you

have a quick reaction or a quick

response to learn to pause

to take a breath

to try to not respond to say Mommy needs

a minute give me just a minute and maybe

you walk down the hall and you take a

few breaths or a daddy or parent whoever

you are

to learn that you know we want to just

like in our mind we also need our brain

to just like categorize things but life

is really and so much of it is not it

doesn't work like that but in your

childhood you were making those split

you know the split moment decisions good

bad right wrong safe unsafe and that's

important too but if you live in that

you're sort of reenacting your trauma

all of the time so part of it is like

creating a new parenting world for

yourself and you slow down and as I also

say my other parenting course really

quickly is that you have to do things

you have to set up your life that says

I'm a person that believes I have value

and that is how I will work on

boundaries or nourish my body it's not

just about saying I should love myself

more that just doesn't work I'm sorry

that alone does not work

and then lastly look at your own

dissociation Tendencies because for so

many of us our parents were dissociated

and they often would you know if they're

raging at you and dissociating from

their own childhood and mad at you about

something stupid but they're yelling at

you and saying it's your fault for

example oftentimes they're reacting to a

trigger in their own associate their own

dissociation of their own childhood but

they're projecting and putting all that

on you and so what's happening though

when they're doing that is they cannot

attune to you it's like they're there

but they're not really there and you can

do the same thing because oftentimes we

have to dissociate and we spend hours in

maladaptive daydreaming our fantasies

about how you know I used to say I would

go on you know road trips and I would

just like spend hours of the road trip

looking out the window fantasizing about

my adult life and you know I think part

of that is fine because like I wanted to

plan for my adult life but it also

didn't necessarily go the way I wanted

and part of that was a coping mechanism

to deal with where I was going and what

was happening but that can become a

really large goat to whether we binge

watch for you know days on end or spend

too much time in fantasy creating worlds

part of that is just fine and okay but

if that is your only mechanism or if you

tend to start you know

getting mad at your own kids or your

partner by dissociating and you're like

realizing later like I don't even know

what I said or what was I mad about

and you can't work on calming your body

and owning your behavior and making

repairs and trying to shift and change

once again you are reenacting your own

disorganized attachment trauma and it is

really hard to make shifts because you

just feel bad all the time right you

feel bad physically you feel triggered

you feel shame whatever it is and so

those are really important the last

thing I'll say is that in this childhood

if you had one like this

um and it might be on a wide spectrum

from emotional to you know other forms

of wounding all the way and on every

level

the important thing is that you survived

it you survived it and I know that these

things are not easy to repair it is

really a day by day year by year Moment

by moment Dynamic sometimes like it

feels like it took me years to recover

from certain things but I can look back

now and say like I don't I don't feel

that way anymore I can feel familiar to

that feeling but I I don't hold myself

accountable to that anymore I'm okay

with the decision I made here or there

it doesn't hurt so much or I can grieve

that fantasy and let go like whatever it

is is really important to say you're

doing your best you survived it and you

will continue to survive it but to have

Grace and self-love in the terms of like

how would a loving parent you know hold

you in your mind visually or imaginary

in an imaginary way and say it's okay

you're loved and you're lovable and

you're not perfect and I love you anyway

because honestly you will only you will

only be

the only person that you really have in

your mind in your heart and who knows

your own life Inside Out you are the

only person that will ever truly know

what it is like to be you and if you you

know can find little ways to say

I did the best I could and I'm doing

that now and I can give myself Grace and

I can also hold myself accountable to

try to try to try to make some changes

that is how we grow and change over time

you're not going to wake up one day and

be like oh well I just loved myself

today and now I'm fine it just doesn't

work like that but you can find this

love for yourself this acceptance this

sort of like embracing of yourself in

ways you never had before when you start

to really own and understand the impact

on your life and your story and your

body in these types of experiences

because it really is you know the

attachment experience I truly believe is

the profound Baseline for the rest of

our lives it really is to me the

internal map and we are the only ones

that can truly shift it along with other

people that is the core of attachment

that you know in connection to others

and ourselves that is how we grow and

heal and change

thank you for watching please to see if

you will and I'll see you soon bye oh

did I forget to show you Coco

oh she's napping

bye

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she's so asleep right now

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bye

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foreign

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