1959 psychiatric interview with woman suffering from depression part 2

Summary

The transcript captures a deeply personal conversation where the individual describes their struggle with emotional distress manifesting as physical symptoms like dizziness, nausea, and fainting. They recount their experience of feeling disconnected and isolated, even in the presence of others, and express a longing for normalcy and the ability to enjoy life. The narrative also touches on their childhood, the death of a parent, and a pervasive sense of fear and unhappiness that has persisted into adulthood, culminating in a desperate desire for change and a plea for help.

Takeaways

• 📸 The person has been photographed before and is familiar with the process of working with cameras and lights.
• 😖 The individual experienced dizziness and nausea, initially attributing these symptoms to physical causes, but later realizing they were emotionally triggered.
• 😨 The person fainted and had persistent nausea, which has been a recurring issue for years, leading to multiple hospital visits.
• 🕒 The emotional distress and physical symptoms worsened on a particular Monday morning after an unsettling event, causing the person to faint multiple times.
• 🎭 Despite the physical discomfort, the person managed to perform in front of an audience but struggled to engage emotionally with the performance.
• 👶 The person's emotional struggles seem to have roots in childhood, with early signs of unhappiness visible even in baby pictures.
• 😢 The person had a profound reaction to their father's death, experiencing nightmares and intense emotional distress.
• 😔 There are periods in the person's life where they felt emotionally numb, unable to cry or express feelings, which they found distressing.
• 🔒 The individual has trust issues, believing that trust has been betrayed in the past, leading to a tendency to withdraw from others.
• 👥 The person feels isolated and disconnected from others, even in social situations, and has difficulty forming close relationships.
• 😱 The individual described a frightening experience of feeling completely detached from their surroundings and others, as if in a dream-like state of isolation.

Q & A

What was the individual's initial reaction to feeling dizzy and nauseous?

The individual was surprised that emotional factors could cause such physical symptoms, as they initially thought it was something physical like fainting or a stomach issue.

What was the person's experience on the Monday morning when they felt ill?

The person felt extremely ill after an emotionally disturbing event, to the point of fainting twice and experiencing recurring blackouts every time they tried to get up from bed.

Why did the individual go to the hospital in the middle of the night?

They went to the hospital because of severe physical symptoms like dizziness, vomiting, and a throbbing pain in their side, which they thought might be due to a physical ailment.

How long has the person been experiencing these symptoms?

The person has been experiencing these symptoms for years, and they can trace them back to their childhood.

What was the person's emotional state after their father's death?

The person was deeply affected, having nightmares about their father appearing as a monster and waking up crying from these dreams.

How does the person describe their ability to cry or express emotions?

The person has periods where they can't cry, feeling completely dead inside, and at other times, they cry easily, indicating a fluctuation in their emotional expression.

What is the person's attitude towards trusting others?

The person finds it difficult to trust anyone, as their past experiences have led them to believe that people are not trustworthy.

What kind of sensation does the person experience when they feel disconnected from others?

The person describes feeling as if they are in a room alone, with everything out of focus and a barrier preventing them from connecting with others.

How does the person feel about their current state of life?

The person feels that they are not truly living, as they don't enjoy anything anymore and often contemplate their existence, even considering death.

What does the person compare their emotional turmoil to?

The person compares their emotional state to a ball of string that has become unraveled and tangled in knots, with each attempt to untangle it causing more knots.

What was the person's profession, and how did their emotional state affect their work?

The person is involved in performing arts, likely a singer, and their emotional state made it difficult for them to smile or perform in front of an audience, affecting their ability to make others smile or laugh.

Outlines

00:00

😨 Emotional Triggers and Physical Symptoms

The speaker discusses their experience with physical symptoms like dizziness, nausea, and fainting, which they initially attributed to physical causes. However, they discovered that these symptoms were triggered by emotional distress. The speaker recalls a specific incident that led to severe illness and multiple fainting episodes, prompting a visit to the emergency clinic. They also mention a history of similar symptoms since childhood, which were often misdiagnosed as stomach issues. The conversation delves into the emotional impact of the speaker's father's death, which caused intense emotional reactions and nightmares, indicating a deep-seated emotional trauma.

05:01

😔 Emotional Isolation and Trust Issues

This paragraph explores the speaker's feelings of emotional isolation and distrust towards others. They describe periods in their life where they were unable to cry or feel emotions, feeling 'dead inside.' The speaker also admits to being sensitive to both being hurt and hurting others, yet they have never intentionally sought to cause pain. They express a lack of trust in others, stemming from past experiences where trust was betrayed. This has led to a barrier between them and other people, with the speaker often retreating into themselves, feeling disconnected even when in the company of others.

10:03

😖 The Experience of Emotional Disconnection

The speaker describes a distressing experience of feeling disconnected from their surroundings and people, even in a room full of people. They recount instances where they felt as if they were in a bubble, unable to connect with others or focus on anything around them. This sensation of being alone and disconnected has worsened over time, affecting their ability to perform at work and socialize. The speaker also mentions feeling like a 'ball of string' tangled in knots, unable to untangle the emotional issues they face, which has led to a worsening of their emotional state.

15:04

😞 The Struggle with Emotional Health and Suicidal Thoughts

In this paragraph, the speaker expresses a deep desire to feel normal and enjoy life like others, but they are unable to do so. They describe a sense of being dead, both emotionally and physically, and a lack of enjoyment in activities they once loved. The speaker admits to having suicidal thoughts, considering taking sleeping pills to end their life, but ultimately decides against it, thinking of their son and the possibility of change in the future. They also discuss their emotional struggles, feeling as if they are constantly unraveling and getting more entangled, with no resolution in sight.

Keywords

💡Dizziness

Dizziness is a sensation of unsteadiness or lightheadedness that can occur due to various reasons such as emotional stress or physical conditions. In the video, the individual experiences dizziness as a symptom following an emotional shock, which initially led them to believe it was a physical ailment.

💡Nausea

Nausea is an unpleasant feeling of needing to vomit. In the script, the person has been suffering from nausea for years, initially attributing it to potential stomach issues. However, it is later revealed that emotional disturbances can also trigger such symptoms.

💡Fainting

Fainting, or syncope, is a sudden, temporary loss of consciousness. The script describes instances where the individual faints, particularly after experiencing emotional distress, indicating a strong psychosomatic response to their emotional state.

💡Emotional Shock

Emotional shock refers to a sudden and intense emotional reaction to a distressing event. The video's narrative revolves around the individual's realization that emotional shocks can have profound physical manifestations, such as dizziness and nausea.

💡Isolation

Isolation is the state of being alone or separated from others. The individual in the video describes feeling isolated and disconnected from others, even when in a room full of people, which is a key theme in understanding their emotional struggles.

💡Trust Issues

Trust issues refer to difficulties in trusting others due to past experiences or emotional trauma. The script mentions the individual's inability to trust anyone, which is linked to their past experiences and contributes to their feelings of isolation.

💡Sensitivity

Sensitivity is the quality of being quick to detect or respond to slight changes, signals, or influences. In the context of the video, the person is sensitive to both their own emotional pain and the potential for causing harm to others, which reflects their empathetic nature.

💡Depersonalization

Depersonalization is a psychological phenomenon where a person feels detached from their own thoughts, feelings, and body. The script describes moments where the individual feels as if they are not present in their surroundings, which is indicative of depersonalization.

💡Existential Crisis

An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the meaning and purpose of their life. The video's subject expresses a deep desire to live and enjoy life like others but feels disconnected and unable to do so, which points to an existential crisis.

💡Suicidal Ideation

Suicidal ideation refers to thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with death. The script reveals the individual's contemplation of ending their life due to their emotional pain, highlighting the severity of their emotional distress.

💡Emotional Unraveling

Emotional unraveling is a metaphorical term describing the feeling of being overwhelmed by emotions to the point of disarray. The person in the video compares their emotional state to a ball of string that has become tangled and impossible to untangle, illustrating the complexity of their emotional struggles.

Highlights

The individual experiences dizziness and nausea, attributing these symptoms initially to physical causes.

A realization that emotional triggers can cause physical symptoms such as fainting and severe nausea.

A history of chronic morning nausea for years, previously thought to be stomach-related.

An incident of emotional disturbance leading to immediate physical illness, including fainting.

A pattern of severe illness following emotional distress, with symptoms persisting even after getting out of bed.

A visit to the hospital due to fainting and severe side pain, indicating a search for a physical cause.

A childhood marked by emotional distress, visible in early photographs and memories.

The death of the individual's father causing profound emotional shock and haunting nightmares.

A tendency to not cry or show emotions, even when feeling the need to express sadness.

A lack of trust in others, stemming from past experiences of being let down.

Feelings of isolation and difficulty connecting with others, despite working with people constantly.

An episode of being 'a thousand miles away', unable to focus or connect with people around, even in a social setting.

A sensation of being alone and disconnected, even when physically surrounded by others.

The individual's struggle with feelings of being 'dead inside', unable to enjoy life or activities.

A contemplation of suicide as a result of intense emotional pain and a desire to escape.

A comparison of the emotional state to being a ball of string, tangled and unable to be untied.

The individual's wish to appear normal and the fear of being seen in their vulnerable state.

The emotional turmoil is described as living in a constant nightmare, affecting daily life and interactions.

A recognition of the emotional roots of physical symptoms, despite the individual's struggle to manage them.

Transcripts

coming please

well you have been photographed before

so I don't have to explain the lights to

you

the cameras but um and it's perfectly

normal to be a little bit tense at least

in the beginning

but I would like you to

tell me a little more or again

about the things we just discussed a few

minutes ago

namely

you remember what you told me you said

you had been feeling so dizzy today and

you were quite surprised quite surprised

at what

well I was quite surprised that uh

something emotional could cause such

symptoms I mean uh when I when I had

this happen to me before I thought it

was something physical this fainting and

then a very very bad nausea and I've had

this nausea for years in the morning

for years for years and uh I always

presumed that maybe

I couldn't eat sometimes I thought maybe

you know there's something wrong with my

stomach but um

on Sunday

um it was actually Monday morning

if you don't mind

okay

sorry everything else will go well on

Monday morning when something disturbing

happened to me I noticed that

immediately after that I was quite ill

and uh

um then then consequently every time I

tried to get up I would just think I

fainted completely twice and then after

that every time I would get above the

bed yes

every time I would try to get up off the

bed I would just just go black again I

could hardly make it let's say from the

bed to the doorway

and I felt intensely ill

that is a reason really the headache and

these dizzy spells you have from time to

time

and that is the reason that you went to

the hospital the other night and three

in the morning they're new to the

emergency clinic well uh

I uh I had fainted and I was lying on

the floor for quite a while and when I

went I mean I didn't think I could make

it to work that night but when my

pianist pole for me I said you know I

really wish we'd go to the hospital and

if there really is something so

I had a

very bad throbbing in my side and I

thought well gee you know

maybe it is something uh you should go

to the hospital maybe that's what's

causing it and making me feel so ill

something physical something physical

so he said well I don't really think you

should miss a night's work

um we better go and then after we'll go

down to the hospital and I said well all

right

all right and I went to

I went I mean I managed to get through

the evening it was very uncomfortable I

mean I couldn't smile I couldn't uh

put the

well you know when you're in front of an

audience you have to you're there to

make them smile to laugh too

and I just couldn't do it so finally we

went to the hospital and uh

this has been going on not just for a

few weeks or months but for some years

yes it's ever since I was a child I

suppose

I I noticed when I was a child on Amazon

well even in my baby pictures the

pictures I saw when I was let's say

three or four I looked at them and uh

it isn't a happy looking child it's a

child with big SATA

it's funny mine my son seems to look

like that too in this pictures see then

you told me that you're

greatest

shock or unhappiness occurred

and you always get the

you told me that you always get very

upset when you think of it right after

your father's death

was that the

immediately afterwards or the fact that

he had died or

well

um

I suppose it did affect me it uh

immediately after his death after his

burial and uh

I I had a very difficult time I

dreamed very much about it very very

terrible dreams when my father was

always seemed to be some kind of monster

used to haunt my dreams constantly and

I used to wake up

crying often crying in my dreams I wake

up and my face would be waiting I'd be

crying out loud you know

students used to disturb me very much

did you cry much as a child and as a

girl later on it's a young girl

I think there are periods in my life for

it

I wouldn't cry for a long person all of

a sudden I

mean something might happen then I'd

cried but there are many times in my

lifelong periods where I couldn't cry

um I wanted to cry

I wanted to cry I need to be able to

feel something when I seem to be just

completely dead inside I couldn't cry

anymore

you seem to feel dead inside and

couldn't cry and so you had no feelings

or

well just I suppose as if every feeling

had not knocked out of me

at those times could you feel for other

people

I don't know you might have been well

I'm

I'm rather sensitive to being hurt

myself so I suppose

I'm rather sensitive to hurting other

people

I mean I don't suppose I've ever gone

out of my way to then I mean if I know

something's going to hurt someone I'll

try to be very very tactful I don't like

to hurt people

I mean um

what I meant to ask is

um

most of us

are attached to some person or other or

several people and we are quite aware of

having

very definite feelings for these people

for instance you for your son and but

there are times when people who are not

feeling well just

feel very unhappy because they don't

seem to have the right feelings for

people anymore

well yes I know what you're getting at

now

well the fact is uh

I don't suppose I've ever really trusted

anyone I don't suppose I trust anyone

now

I mean you know

it seemed that

every time something seemed to happen to

me and if I let's say I wanted to trust

someone consequently uh

I would just find out that everyone no

one was to be trusted

and uh and what would you do then tell

yourself well that's just what I

expected or

hurt inside

but then I would just um

I find that I I have a tendency to um to

shy away from people

I mean I'm working with people

constantly but there's always a barrier

between me and people

well I seem to kind of crawl inside

Myself and I

I can't come out

the personality that's on the outside

isn't really me until almost most of the

time

see uh what I'd like to do now is get

you both pleased to

you where um

you were just about to tell me about

this experience that happens to you and

sometimes it's quite frightening of

being with a lot of people and suddenly

everything

well that you better tell us in your own

words well actually this hasn't happened

until uh

as I said before I've always felt alone

very much and I suppose I always have

been alone I don't think I could name

really one person some people can say

well my best friend is so and so bad I

don't think I could name any person

who's been my best friend I don't think

I've ever had

any friends

and um

this this has only happened actually

maybe during the last month or so but

I'll be in um

been since I was I was at work this was

about maybe two Sundays ago and I was

sitting there and uh I had gone to work

and uh

and

and I have been particularly upset in

the afternoon and by the time I got to

work I was in a complete

complete days I couldn't seem to focus

my mind on my job I knew I had to get up

there and sing and uh

I'm really project and so on but I I

just couldn't do it I couldn't smile at

all I tried hard very hard to smile but

I just couldn't smile

and uh I mean eventually it's the

evening wore on everyone was noticing it

several people said to me what's wrong

is she sick and the people said a couple

of them said you look as if you're a

thousand miles away and um

I already knew the songs I was singing

yeah I just was it was just mine was

like a blind almost so I was sitting at

the table with these different

people around me and uh

it's just as if I were here and I was

completely alone and there was no one

else in the room and there was someone

just sitting where you where you are

right now and I I was trying with my

mind to reach out and focus on this

person and I just couldn't it was it was

almost as if the room were completely

gone out of focus it was everything else

was kind of a

um blurry almost

and I

just as if I had a barrier around me

they couldn't get through to me and I I

couldn't get through to them

and it's an odd sensation because this

happened in your office the other day

I mean one minute I was with you

and all of a sudden the next moment

everything was out of focus and I wasn't

there anymore

and I mean it's a definite sensation

in my office it didn't last very long no

I came out of it with you but at the

club a couple of times I hadn't come out

of it all evening I haven't been able to

maybe because I was trying so hard to

try and get out of it but I couldn't

and I suppose because

um

well you're a very understanding type of

person

and you understood what it was all about

and you you helped me out of it maybe

but these other people are

they didn't realize and uh of course

that it only it only makes it worse for

me

when I'm up against some of these things

and then

people give me well they give me very

odd looks you know

um

and wondered whether you're sick

it's a sort of thing happening now

it's just that when this happens it

disturbs me and uh I can't uh I just

can't seem to hide it in front of other

people

and uh if it disturbs me I know it must

disturb them because quite

quite often people

make these remarks to me

well it's just like being something dead

you know

well I feel dead and I look dead and

people notice it

I mean

I think this I'm sick or something

sometimes I actually feel sick

you told me the other day that

you quite frequently think of

and

on several occasions you well that was

one of the reasons that you went to the

hospital because you felt you just had

to do something about

that because

something catches up with you when you

awesome nights I I lie on the bed you

know and I'm afraid I don't know why I'm

afraid but I'm just afraid

I have a terrible fearing man

I've been living like this for so long

I just don't seem to be alive anymore

and uh

and I want so much to live I really want

so much to to be like other people and

to be able to enjoy things I don't seem

to enjoy anything anymore

I'm I'm doing things all the time I know

I have to do but I don't enjoy anything

and

I feel that

life just shouldn't be like that and

that's the way I was feeling last night

I had these sleeping pills beside me

and I wanted to

I want it to die

and then I said to myself well supposing

they're always saying to yourself why

don't why don't you why don't you die

and

I said and I said well if I do die

I mean I don't suppose many people would

be hurt but then there is your son

and um

see every time something's happened to

me I I just lay down for a while and but

then I always managed to get up again so

then I say to myself well maybe you'll

just you'll manage to get up again I

mean someday things have to change

and

yes that would change

but I I tried to change them myself and

just

doesn't seem to work at all

I mean usually when I'm talking to you

like this I mean I never let anyone else

see me like this this is really me

ciao

I think I'd be

very mortified if anyone else told me

like this

why

why shouldn't other people see the real

you

well this is because this is the way

I've become but it's not the way I

really am and sound I mean the way I

should be shall we say

and consequently when something um

when you see something

healthy and you see it go into something

it's slightly decayed it's not pleasant

for anyone to say it it's not pleasant

for me to sin

feel at all time

you want to get out of it don't you yes

I want to pray badly

as I said to you the other day I think I

could I think I could stand something

physical wrong with me more than I can

stand this I mean it's also unreal

um and yet it's so real

I mean if you

I said

if someone uh

you know someone else said they they

felt this way yeah

I mean it might sound rather

melodramatic to me to understand but

that's why if you if you're this way or

if you show it to other people I mean it

just

just doesn't seem like something real

it's like and yet you you went like

living in a nightmare all the time you

went to the hospital you went to the

hospital because you thought you had

something physically wrong with you

the dizziness and the painting spells

and and the vomiting yeah I've known for

a very long time that uh I mean I'm

things that I'm constantly emotionally

upset

well I'll tell you I'll tell you exactly

the way it feels to me sometimes it's

just as if

as if I were a ball of string and

somewhere along the way everything got

kind of unraveled and tied up in knots

and every time I try to undo one knot I

got more Tangled Up and

the thing is that I'm I'm never able to

entangle the previous knots and I get

into a few more and it seems to get

worse all the time

you were quite surprised when you found

that the headaches and the dizzy spells

and the nausea came after some emotional

shocks well actually it doesn't even

I mean I'd gone through a week of this

very very bad dizziness nausea

[Music]

those nine and ten