How relationships work: on value

Summary

Dr. Orion Taban explains the fundamental principles of human relationships, particularly in the context of romantic and sexual relationships. He emphasizes that people are drawn to those who can satisfy their wants or needs, but the real challenge lies in maintaining these relationships. Giving too much leads to obsolescence, while giving too little causes frustration and abandonment. To sustain a relationship, a balance must be struck between fulfilling some desires while cultivating new ones, ensuring ongoing relevance. Dr. Taban explores these dynamics through a mix of personal insight and professional analogy, offering a framework for understanding the complexities of relationships.

Takeaways

• 😀 Relationships are built on needs and wants: People are drawn to others who have what they want or need, whether it's emotional support, resources, or other qualities.
• 😀 Self-evident principles govern relationships: The fundamental principles of relationships are axiomatic, meaning they are universally true and non-negotiable.
• 😀 Appearance matters in relationships: Even if you have what others want, if you don't seem to have it, others will not approach you for a relationship.
• 😀 Giving too much can end the relationship: Once you fully satisfy someone’s needs, they may no longer need you, leading to the end of the relationship.
• 😀 Gratitude doesn't guarantee continued relationships: People often expect that doing good things for others will secure future relationships, but this is not a reliable strategy.
• 😀 Balancing satisfaction and need is crucial: To maintain a relationship, you must provide only partial satisfaction to others' needs while keeping the ability to fulfill additional desires.
• 😀 The paradox of relationships: If you satisfy every need, you make yourself redundant, but if you never satisfy any need, the relationship will dissolve.
• 😀 Relationships require constant cultivation: In both personal and professional contexts, satisfying a desire should always be accompanied by cultivating a new one to keep the relationship alive.
• 😀 Employers use a similar principle: In the workplace, employers ensure continued employee loyalty by satisfying desires for promotion while cultivating new desires for higher positions.
• 😀 Human relationships are transactional: Every relationship operates on the principle of satisfying wants or needs, and when those desires are fully met, the relationship may end unless new desires are created.

Q & A

What is the core idea of Dr. Orion Taban's video about relationships?

Dr. Taban emphasizes that relationships are built around the exchange of needs and wants. People form relationships with others because they believe the other person has something they need or desire. However, maintaining these relationships requires a delicate balance between satisfying these needs without making oneself obsolete or overly available.

Why does Dr. Taban argue that relationships end when you give people everything they want or need?

When you give people everything they want or need, they no longer require your presence or the relationship itself. Dr. Taban compares this to the plumber analogy—once you've solved the problem, the plumber is no longer needed. This paradox shows that, in relationships, fulfillment can inadvertently lead to the end of the dynamic.

What does Dr. Taban mean when he says 'the game does not run on gratitude'?

Dr. Taban is pointing out that simply doing things for someone out of goodwill or to gain their gratitude is not enough to maintain a relationship. People don’t stay in relationships just because they've been shown kindness or sacrifice; they stay because they continue to receive something they value.

How do 'wants and needs' play a role in forming relationships according to Dr. Taban?

People approach others who can fulfill their wants or needs. If you don't appear to have something they need or desire, they won't form a relationship with you. This can be as simple as not having the right traits or capabilities that would make you appealing for connection.

Why is it crucial to retain 'the means to satisfy other wants or needs' in a relationship?

Dr. Taban explains that in order to keep a relationship ongoing, you must not only fulfill current needs but also retain the ability to satisfy future needs. If you stop cultivating new desires or means of satisfaction, the relationship risks becoming stagnant, leading to dissatisfaction or eventual disengagement.

What are the three main obstacles that can end a relationship according to Dr. Taban?

The three obstacles are: (1) You don't have or appear to have what the other person needs, which prevents the relationship from starting. (2) You give them everything they want, making yourself unnecessary. (3) You never give them what they need, leading them to seek fulfillment elsewhere.

How does Dr. Taban suggest people balance their needs and wants in relationships?

Dr. Taban suggests that the key to a successful relationship is gradual fulfillment of the other person's needs while maintaining the means to satisfy future needs. This balance requires skillful management, where some needs are met while new desires are cultivated to keep the relationship dynamic.

What does Dr. Taban compare the balancing act of relationships to in a professional context?

Dr. Taban compares it to employers creating a system where employees’ desire for promotion is constantly satisfied. Once one goal is reached, the employer presents another, thus ensuring continued engagement and loyalty from employees. Similarly, in relationships, you must continually cultivate new desires while fulfilling existing ones.

Why does Dr. Taban describe this approach to relationships as 'nefarious'?

Dr. Taban calls the strategy of cultivating new desires in others 'nefarious' because it can seem manipulative or calculated. However, he argues that it's necessary to maintain the balance in relationships, as people naturally seek fulfillment and can become disinterested once their current desires are fully satisfied.

What advice does Dr. Taban give for maintaining long-term relationships?

Dr. Taban’s advice is to never fully satisfy a person's needs or wants all at once. You must keep some desires unfulfilled, ensuring that the other person still feels a need for the relationship. Relationships thrive on the ongoing exchange of needs, and without this, they are at risk of ending prematurely.