Sex and attention: the most reinforcing good

Summary

Dr. Orion Taban explores the asymmetrical power dynamics in sexual relationships, where men and women exchange unequal goods. He argues that men trade resources for sexual opportunities, while women exchange sex for attention. Attention, as the most reinforcing good for women, creates significant power imbalances in relationships. Taban discusses how this asymmetry impacts both casual and committed relationships, emphasizing that women often retain more power due to their ability to seek attention externally. He highlights the cultural and social challenges in addressing these dynamics and the impact on modern dating and commitment.

Takeaways

• 😀 Men and women enter relationships by exchanging unequal goods of comparable value. In sexual relationships, men typically exchange resources for sexual opportunity, while women exchange sexual opportunity for resources.
• 😀 The term 'resources' should not be interpreted strictly as money. It refers to a variety of valuable things, and one of the most important resources women seek in relationships is attention.
• 😀 Sex is the most reinforcing thing a man can receive, while attention is the most reinforcing thing a woman seeks. This creates power dynamics in relationships where each gender can influence the behavior of the other.
• 😀 Women could influence male behavior on a larger scale by rewarding men who display desired traits, such as emotional availability, but this rarely happens. Women may still complain about narcissistic men but continue to engage with them.
• 😀 There is a power imbalance in modern relationships, where men often give attention without receiving sex in return, while women can receive attention from multiple sources without necessarily offering sexual intimacy.
• 😀 This power imbalance extends to committed relationships, where women may retain the option of receiving attention from outside sources, but men often have their sexual options limited to their committed partner.
• 😀 In sexually exclusive relationships, women hold more power because the value of sex is perceived as greater for men than attention is for women. This creates an inequality in what each gender offers in the relationship.
• 😀 The exclusivity of sex in committed relationships means women often become the monopolizers of sexual availability, which inflates the perceived value of sex in these relationships.
• 😀 True equality in relationships would involve men being the exclusive dealers of attention and women being the exclusive dealers of sex, creating a symmetrical value exchange.
• 😀 Women may resist constraints on their ability to seek attention from external sources, like social media or other men, as this would limit their power. This is in contrast to how men's sexual exclusivity is often expected or enforced.

Q & A

What is the main economic model discussed in the video?

The main economic model discussed suggests that people enter into relationships by exchanging unequal goods of comparable value. In sexual relationships, men typically trade resources (such as money or effort) for sexual opportunity, while women trade sexual opportunity for resources. The model explores how these exchanges differ based on the value of the goods involved, particularly focusing on attention and sex.

Why does Dr. Taban emphasize the importance of 'attention' in the value exchange?

Dr. Taban emphasizes attention because, in his model, attention is one of the most important resources women seek in relationships. Attention, which includes emotional validation and being seen and heard, is the most reinforcing good for women, much like sex is for men. This asymmetry in reinforcing goods leads to power dynamics in relationships.

What is meant by the term 'asymmetrical value exchange' in relationships?

Asymmetrical value exchange refers to the unequal exchange of reinforcing goods in relationships. While men desire sex as the most reinforcing good, women desire attention. This unequal exchange creates an imbalance of power, where women often have more leverage in relationships due to their ability to seek attention from multiple sources, while men are more constrained in their sexual options.

How does Dr. Taban explain the power dynamics in modern relationships?

The power dynamics in modern relationships are explained by the different values placed on sex and attention. Since men typically desire sex more than women, they are more willing to offer attention in exchange for sexual opportunity. However, women, whose most reinforcing good is attention, retain the ability to seek attention from external sources (e.g., social media, friends), while men are often expected to remain sexually exclusive, which creates an imbalance of power.

What does Dr. Taban mean by 'monopolized goods' in relationships?

Monopolized goods refer to the exclusive access to a particular good within a relationship. For example, if a woman became a man's exclusive provider of sex, and he became her exclusive provider of attention, each partner would hold a monopoly over the other's most reinforcing good. This would create a more equal exchange of resources and potentially reduce the power imbalance in relationships.

Why do women complain about 'bad boys' despite being attracted to them?

Women complain about 'bad boys' because they often don't provide the attention and validation that women desire. However, these men still receive sexual opportunities because sex is the most reinforcing good for men. Despite their complaints, women are still attracted to these men due to the reinforcing nature of sex, leading to a paradox where women both criticize and continue to be drawn to these types of men.

What is the issue with sexually exclusive relationships, according to Dr. Taban?

Dr. Taban points out that sexually exclusive relationships often involve an unequal exchange of goods. In such relationships, men are expected to be sexually exclusive while women retain the ability to seek attention and validation from external sources. This creates an imbalance because the value of sex (which men desire most) is not balanced by an equivalent exchange of attention for women.

How does Dr. Taban challenge the concept of 'equality' in relationships?

Dr. Taban challenges the concept of equality in relationships by pointing out that men and women have different needs and desires, particularly when it comes to what they seek in relationships. While equality may suggest that both parties should exchange equal goods, it doesn’t account for the fact that sex and attention are valued differently by each gender, which means that true equality in this context may not always be fair.

What role does social media play in modern relationship dynamics?

Social media plays a significant role in the dynamics of modern relationships by providing women with a constant source of attention and validation from external sources. This amplifies the asymmetry between the sexes, as women can continue to receive attention from a wide array of sources while men are expected to remain sexually exclusive. This creates a situation where women retain power in relationships by having access to validation beyond their primary partner.

How do societal views of controlling attention affect relationship power dynamics?

Societal views of controlling attention often reinforce power imbalances in relationships. While it is deemed acceptable for men to control their partner's sexual exclusivity, any attempt by men to limit a woman's access to external attention is often seen as controlling, toxic, or a sign of insecurity. This double standard further entrenches the power dynamics where women hold more power due to their ability to seek attention from outside sources.