A better way to talk about love | Mandy Len Catron

Summary

In this thought-provoking talk, the speaker explores the problematic metaphors we use to describe love, particularly focusing on the metaphor of 'falling.' She critiques how terms like 'falling,' 'smitten,' and 'madness' frame love as uncontrollable and painful, positioning people as victims. Through personal anecdotes and scientific research, she highlights the connection between love and mental illness. The speaker proposes a shift in perspective: viewing love as a collaborative work of art, requiring communication, effort, and shared goals. This reframing offers a healthier, more empowering approach to relationships, emphasizing creativity, agency, and mutual respect.

Takeaways

• 😀 Love is often conceptualized as falling, a metaphor that implies it is uncontrollable and accidental.
• 😀 The language we use to talk about love, such as 'falling,' 'being struck,' and 'smitten,' often connects love to violence, illness, and victimhood.
• 😀 The metaphor of love as madness is widespread, with examples from Shakespeare to Beyoncé.
• 😀 Romantic love can make us feel irrational and dramatic, as the speaker's own first love led them to feel crazy and to prioritize suffering as a sign of true love.
• 😀 Research shows that romantic love and mental illness, such as obsessive-compulsive disorder, share similar neurochemical features, especially serotonin levels.
• 😀 A breakup can feel like withdrawal from an addictive substance, showing the strong neurochemical connections in love.
• 😀 Our culture often reinforces the idea that love should be painful and obsessive, leading us to expect suffering as part of true love.
• 😀 The expectation of lifelong monogamy creates a tension between wanting love to be passionate and enduring.
• 😀 To break this cycle, we need to shift our metaphors around love, moving from passive to active participation, where we 'step into love' rather than 'fall.'
• 😀 Linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff propose reimagining love as a 'collaborative work of art,' emphasizing effort, compromise, and communication.
• 😀 A collaborative approach to love allows us to view it as creative and unpredictable, requiring mutual effort, and it opens up more empowering ways to experience and express love.

Q & A

What is the main metaphor used in the script to talk about love?

The main metaphor discussed is 'falling in love,' where love is often described as something that happens to us unexpectedly and uncontrollably, like falling into a manhole or plummeting into a sewer.

What is the problem with the metaphor of 'falling' in love, according to the speaker?

The speaker argues that 'falling' in love is problematic because it suggests that love is accidental, uncontrollable, and something that happens to us without our consent, positioning us as victims of unforeseen circumstances.

How does the speaker connect the metaphor of love to violence or illness?

The speaker points out that many metaphors related to love, such as 'being smitten' or 'struck by love,' are associated with violence or illness, implying that love is a form of suffering or a form of victimization.

What is the significance of the word 'smitten' in the context of the speaker's argument?

'Smitten' is the past participle of the word 'smite,' which is used in the Bible to describe a grievous affliction or the vengeance of an angry God. The speaker finds it problematic that we use this word to describe being in love, equating romantic love with suffering or divine punishment.

Why does the speaker refer to Shakespeare and Beyoncé when discussing love as madness?

The speaker uses quotes from Shakespeare, who said 'Love is merely a madness,' and from Beyoncé's song 'Crazy in Love' to highlight how love is culturally framed as a form of madness, emphasizing the emotional intensity and irrationality often associated with romantic relationships.

How does the speaker describe their own personal experience with love at age 22?

The speaker recounts their first love as turbulent and filled with extreme emotional highs and lows. They describe a moment of emotional breakdown when their partner left, but they also note that despite the pain, they felt that this suffering legitimized their love.

What role does serotonin play in the experience of love, according to the speaker?

The speaker explains that serotonin levels in people who are in love resemble those of individuals with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which helps explain the obsessive thinking and emotional intensity often associated with early romantic love.

How does the speaker differentiate between the emotional intensity of love and the cultural perception of love?

The speaker distinguishes between the biological reality of love, which involves emotional and neurochemical changes, and the cultural narratives that depict love as painful or obsessive, creating expectations that great suffering in love will eventually lead to a great reward.

What is the solution proposed by linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff in the context of love metaphors?

Johnson and Lakoff propose the metaphor of love as a 'collaborative work of art.' This metaphor emphasizes effort, compromise, and communication, and it encourages a more proactive, creative approach to love, moving away from passive victimhood and madness.

What does the speaker suggest about the cultural value of lifelong monogamy and how it conflicts with the metaphors we use for love?

The speaker suggests that our culture values lifelong monogamy while simultaneously portraying love as something passionate, mad, and painful. This creates a tension between the desire for a lasting relationship and the cultural expectations that love should be irrational or tumultuous.