Choosing Humility in a Self-Centered Age | Quincy Mix | TEDxFurmanU

Summary

The speaker critiques the pervasive cultural advice to 'just be yourself,' arguing it has led to narcissism and self-obsession, particularly among Millennials. They highlight the rise in narcissistic traits, moral decision-making based on personal feelings, and the 'selfie generation's' focus on self-promotion. The speaker calls for a shift towards humility, service, and prioritizing others to counteract the negative impacts of self-centeredness and improve society.

Takeaways

• 😀 The phrase 'just be yourself' is pervasive in our culture, often seen in movies, posters, and social media.
• 🤔 The speaker argues that an overemphasis on self can lead to narcissism and a lack of empathy for others' problems.
• 📈 Studies show that narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder are more prevalent among younger generations.
• 📊 Millennials tend to make moral decisions based on personal feelings rather than objective morality.
• 📱 The 'selfie generation' is characterized by a focus on self-promotion and self-glorification on social media.
• 🌐 The speaker suggests that the obsession with self leads to apathy and a lack of engagement with global issues.
• 🚫 The speaker criticizes the idea that 'just be yourself' has become an excuse for selfishness and self-absorption.
• 🙏 The speaker calls for a return to humility, emphasizing the importance of service, love, and putting others first.
• 👪 The speaker shares personal experiences of growing up with humble role models and the impact it had on their values.
• 🌟 The speaker concludes by urging the audience to model humility and service to inspire positive change in the world.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the speech?

The main theme of the speech is the critique of the overemphasis on the phrase 'just be yourself' and its potential to foster narcissism and self-obsession, suggesting a shift towards humility and service.

How does the speaker suggest that the phrase 'just be yourself' has been overused in culture?

The speaker suggests that the phrase 'just be yourself' is ubiquitous in culture, appearing in Disney films, motivational posters, social media, and graduation cards, indicating its overuse.

What are some of the positive aspects of the advice 'just be yourself' mentioned in the speech?

The positive aspects include promoting optimism, confidence, individuality, and the development of an authentic sense of self.

What negative consequences does the speaker associate with the unchecked advice of 'just be yourself'?

The speaker associates unchecked self-advice with an overinflation of self-regard, narcissism, and a lack of empathy or concern for the problems of others.

How does the speaker use the example of a Diet Coke commercial to illustrate the problem?

The speaker uses the Diet Coke commercial as an example of the 'just be yourself' mentality gone awry, where the focus is solely on personal pleasure and self-expression without regard for broader societal concerns.

What statistics does the speaker cite from Joel Stein's Time magazine article about Millennials?

The speaker cites that narcissism scores in college students were higher in 2009 than in the 1980s, narcissistic personality disorder was three times higher in the under 25 category, and 60% of Millennials used their feelings as a moral compass.

What is the term used to describe the generation that the speaker is critiquing?

The term used to describe the generation is 'the selfie generation,' which is criticized for its self-absorption and lack of concern for broader issues.

What alternative to the 'just be yourself' mentality does the speaker propose?

The speaker proposes humility as an alternative, encouraging individuals to go beyond self-obsession and serve the world with their unique talents and traits.

How does the speaker define humility in the context of the speech?

Humility, as defined by the speaker, is the quality that leads to living gracious, unassuming lives focused on love, service, and understanding, rather than self-promotion and self-glorification.

What solution does the speaker offer to counteract the negative effects of the 'just be yourself' culture?

The speaker suggests surrounding oneself with humble role models, learning from them, and then modeling that humility for others to create a positive cycle of service and humility.

Outlines

00:00

🎭 The Overuse of 'Just Be Yourself'

The speaker introduces the pervasive cultural phrase 'just be yourself' and highlights its prominence across various media, including Disney films, motivational posters, social media, and graduation cards. While the phrase has positive aspects, like encouraging optimism and individuality, the speaker argues that it's been taken too far. This cultural obsession with self-expression has led to an inflated sense of self-importance and narcissism. The speaker prepares to explore the deeper consequences of this societal shift while acknowledging the phrase’s original merits.

05:02

💔 The Consequences of a 'Me First' Mentality

The speaker discusses the negative impacts of the 'just be yourself' mentality, emphasizing how it has fostered narcissism, particularly among Millennials. Citing statistics from a 2013 Time magazine article, the speaker highlights rising narcissism, increased fame obsession, and a moral compass based on personal feelings rather than objective ethics. Millennials are shown to be caught in a social media-driven cycle of self-promotion and reality distortion, resulting in a generation more focused on curating personal images than addressing real-world issues.

10:02

📱 The Selfie Generation's Apathy

In this paragraph, the speaker critiques the apathy of Millennials, coining the term 'selfie generation' to describe their focus on self-glorification. The speaker argues that this narcissism has led to a lack of concern for global issues, as people are more absorbed in their own lives and social media personas. Using examples such as school shootings and humanitarian crises, the speaker illustrates how societal problems are often met with indifference. The message emphasizes that a culture overly focused on 'self' is becoming disconnected from the needs of the wider world.

🌍 The Urgency of Humility

The speaker transitions to a solution, advocating for a return to humility. Contrasting true humility with superficial expressions of modesty, the speaker stresses the importance of a life focused on service and empathy. Drawing from personal experience, the speaker praises their parents for exemplifying humility and encourages the audience to find role models who live with selflessness. The call to action is clear: humble oneself, serve others, and pass on these values to future generations, aiming to shift the focus from self-absorption to a more compassionate, community-driven world.

Keywords

💡Self-Esteem

Self-esteem refers to an individual's overall sense of self-worth or personal value. It is a psychological concept that is central to the video's theme as it discusses the balance between having a healthy sense of self and the potential pitfalls of an over-inflated self-regard. The script mentions that while it's good to remind people to be optimistic and confident, the cultural emphasis on 'just be yourself' can lead to an unhealthy obsession with the self.

💡Narcissism

Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. In the context of the video, the speaker argues that the ubiquitous advice to 'just be yourself' can lead to a deep-rooted narcissism in society, where individuals become overly focused on themselves and their own achievements, often at the expense of empathy and concern for others.

💡Individuality

Individuality is the quality of being a distinct entity, separate and different from others. The video script uses this term to highlight the importance of expressing one's unique personality and talents. However, it also warns against the potential for this to become an unhealthy focus on the self, where individuality is used as a justification for self-absorption and disregard for others.

💡Authenticity

Authenticity in the video is discussed as the quality of being true to one's own personality, spirit, or character. It is seen as a positive aspect of the 'just be yourself' philosophy, encouraging people to develop a genuine sense of self. However, the video also critiques the potential for authenticity to be twisted into a self-centered pursuit that ignores the needs and perspectives of others.

💡Self-Obsession

Self-obsession is an excessive focus on one's own interests, needs, or achievements. The video suggests that the cultural emphasis on being true to oneself can devolve into self-obsession, particularly in the context of social media where individuals are constantly promoting themselves and seeking validation from others.

💡Social Media

Social media is a collective term for websites and applications that enable users to create and share content or participate in social networking. The video discusses how social media can exacerbate self-obsession and narcissism, as it provides platforms for individuals to constantly broadcast their lives, often in a curated and self-aggrandizing manner.

💡Millennials

Millennials, also known as Generation Y, are the demographic cohort following Generation X and preceding Generation Z. The video uses the term to discuss a generation that has been particularly influenced by the 'just be yourself' mantra and the rise of social media, leading to characteristics such as narcissism, fame obsession, and a tendency to exaggerate their realities for social media consumption.

💡Humility

Humility is the quality of being modest and not thinking too highly of oneself. The video advocates for a return to humility as a counterbalance to the self-aggrandizement prevalent in contemporary culture. It suggests that humility involves recognizing one's place in the world as part of a larger community and focusing on service to others rather than self-promotion.

💡Service

Service in the video refers to the act of helping or doing work for others, often without expecting anything in return. It is presented as an alternative to the self-centeredness of the 'just be yourself' culture, encouraging individuals to use their unique talents and traits to contribute positively to the world and to the lives of others.

💡Selfishness

Selfishness is the quality of being concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself. The video critiques the 'just be yourself' culture for potentially fostering selfishness, where individuals are more focused on their own desires and achievements than on the needs and well-being of others.

Highlights

The phrase 'just be yourself' is pervasive in our culture, appearing in Disney films, motivational posters, and social media.

The advice to 'just be yourself' can lead to an overinflation of self-regard and narcissism.

The speaker argues against the unchecked belief in the importance of being true to oneself.

The speaker acknowledges the merits of 'just be yourself' in promoting optimism and individuality.

Unquestioned self-focus can lead to a dangerous societal trend towards narcissism.

A Diet Coke commercial is cited as an example of the 'just be yourself' culture gone awry.

Millennials scored higher on narcissism scales compared to previous generations, according to a Time magazine article.

Narcissistic personality disorder is three times higher in individuals under 25 than in those over 65.

60% of Millennials use their feelings as a moral compass, prioritizing personal sentiment over objective ethics.

The speaker suggests that Millennials are more fame-obsessed and entitled than previous generations.

Social media exacerbates the self-promotion and self-glorification prevalent in the 'selfie generation'.

The 'selfie generation' is becoming the 'selfish generation', with a focus on self at the expense of empathy for others.

The speaker calls for a shift from self-adoration to humility and service towards others.

Humility is defined as living a life that is gracious, unassuming, and character-driven, not self-centered.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of surrounding oneself with humble role models and emulating their behavior.

The call to humility is a response to the current state of the world, which is in need of love, service, and less self-absorption.

The speaker concludes by urging the audience to 'humble yourself' and serve the world with their unique talents and traits.

Transcripts

[Music]

how many of you have ever heard someone

tell you to just be yourself guess your

hands pretty much everyone in the

audience kind of expected that I think

we have to admit that our culture really

really likes this phrase like a lot my

generation has either implicitly or

explicitly heard just be yourself in

pretty much every Disney filming cartoon

of the last 25 years we saw it in those

motivational posters that they would put

up in our high schools you know like the

ones in the guidance counselor's offices

with the soaring Eagles and the foggy

mountaintops and the Sun rises and then

that hideous Times New Roman font

underneath that it says just be yourself

we've also seen it in BuzzFeed and

Facebook articles where they said well

Stacey just needed to learn how to be

herself and that solved everything

of course we've also seen it in hallmark

movies nothing I've ever watched one of

those and then of course the graduation

cards that we could all get right

remember you're a winner champ

just remember to beat yourself the fact

is that this line of advice to just be

ourselves is ubiquitous in our culture

today you hear it everywhere you see it

everywhere and pretty much everyone

agrees that it's really good advice to

live by I mean who would argue with the

advice that you should be yourself I

would but it's not that I have a problem

with people developing a good and

healthy sense of self-esteem or getting

healthy sense of self and well-being

it's not what I'm saying but what I am

trying to point out is that culturally

we are seeing an over inflation of self

regard an obsession with the self that

is working its way into our society and

into our culture and implanting a

deep-rooted narcissism there but before

I get into that I think we should give

credit where credit is due and just be

yourself or a phrase in the same vein

like follow your heart has its merits

and we should acknowledge them they

remind us to be optimistic to be

confident to use our god-given talents

to not siphon off of someone else's

personality but to express our

individuality to develop an authentic

sense of self all those things

good things but what happens when the

advice to just be yourself goes

unscrutinized and unquestioned what

happens when a culture like ours takes

just be yourself too far and starts to

believe the notion that was so

beautifully refuted by author and

blogger Scott young that above all else

you are called to be yourself just be

yourself just be who you are love who

you are admire who you are believe in

who you are it's your time your moment

your truth you are what's most important

the new diet coke commercial by the way

is a perfect example of this I don't

know if any of you seen this but I was

watching Hulu the other night at 1:00 in

the morning as Millennials aren't want

to do and I saw this commercial I

thought I have to put this thing this is

just absolutely the antithesis of what I

want to tell you today so I'll give you

the rundown in case you haven't seen it

so there's this nice 20-something girl

takes a can of Diet Coke and she opens

it up and says what do I love about Diet

Coke well first she says it's delicious

right then she says it makes me feel

good life is short

just do you whatever that may be if you

want to live in a yurt yurt it up if you

want to run a marathon I mean that

sounds really hard but ok and if you

want to have a diet coke well how do I

coke then it ends with this die coke

because I can

it makes me feel good just do you

because I can that is the anthem of a

just be yourself generation that has

gone off the rails

turns out other people have noticed this

in May of 2013 a guy named Joel Stein

wrote an article for Time magazine

called

Millennials the me me me generation and

he does actually point out some of the

redemptive qualities of Millennials that

he thinks will actually help them save

the country but he also points to some

very interesting statistics about

Millennials that I thought I would share

with you for example he found that more

people more Millennials scored higher on

narcissism skills in college in 2009

than they did than the college students

did in the 1980s he also found that

narcissistic personality disorder was

three times higher in the under 25

category than in a 65 and up group now

you could probably guess why that is

right in 65 but uppers have had enough

time to figure out that they're not such

hot stuff and now they're much more

humble because of it but he also points

out that 60% of Millennials said that

their litmus test for making a moral

decision was how do I feel about that

so instead of appealing to an objective

sense of morality or an ethical code

when faced with a tough decision the

question would be how does that make me

feel I'll be able to feel what's right I

will know it's inside of me I know the

answer he also found that Millennials

were more Fame obsessed he also found

that they were more entitled and also

interesting he found that they were

compelled to exaggerate their realities

so on social media when they saw

someone's fabulous life that they

thought they couldn't compete with they

needed to up the ante make it look

better put a nicer filter on it compete

better now all of this sounds pretty

disheartening right but is it really a

surprise to any of us I mean my

generation is called the selfie

generation for a reason

this is a time when a thousand selfies

are posted to Instagram every ten

seconds and it's now estimated that the

average millennial will take twenty five

thousand pictures of their face before

they die we can see that culturally we

are snagged in a social media feedback

loop a me first

ethos a tendency to use social media or

communications or any other form to

promote self edged elation and

self-glorification we feed off of

affirmation and publicity not knowing

what to do with the vague advice to just

be ourselves we've instead decided as a

society that we will just adore and live

for ourselves for the selfie generation

the world revolves around us and our

identities and nothing should ever get

in the way of me being myself me being

me or at least living out a charade of

myself on social media I think we can

truly say that the selfie generation has

become the selfish generation the

byproduct of this infatuation with the

self is inevitably apathy towards the

problems of others I don't know if

you've noticed but the world is not

doing too hot right now

and take it out of the national politics

scene just look at other tragedies and

atrocities school shootings humanitarian

crises globally human rights violations

globally and yet as we see all this

suffering what's the average response

you're gonna get for a millennial if you

really look at it okay I'll boil it down

for you basically you're on your phone

right on the news oh do you see that yes

that's sucks well my life is still fine

whoa selfie all right okay what stopping

humanitarian crises as an example in the

United States thousands of homes are

wiped out by hurricanes in the last year

American families are homeless across

all of the southern states what's the

response

that's really sad you look the filter I

put on this selfie I love that it gives

my jaw bone more definition sadly I

could give you countless more examples

of behavior like this are we too

enamored with ourselves too fixated on

showing the world who we are to hear its

cries for help

are we in reality just blinded by

ourselves we started out with

well-meaning advice to just be ourselves

but that devolved into narcissism and

now it's heading into very dangerous

territory where we have a world full of

people isolated into their own

self-absorbed bubbles will that serve us

is that really what we want for

ourselves as a university as a community

as a country in a technology and social

media driven world this problem is only

gonna get worse it's not gonna subside

on its own it's not a phase it's gonna

snowball from here do we really want to

see ourselves become a nation of 320

million narcissists how are we ever

supposed to tackle any of the

innumerable problems in this world if

we're all too self engrossed and too

self-absorbed on our little phones to

get up and do anything about it

well enough on the problem what's the

solution what where do we want to see

ourselves go instead I would say that

just be yourself has had its time we've

allowed it into our society but it's

almost conquered us so now more than

ever it's time that we reignite the call

to humility get away from all this

selfishness bring back humility now what

do I mean by humility is it the kind of

humility that a person gets an award and

gets in front of an audience and says

thank you for recognizing my

achievements I know I am very qualified

and

you're all aware of that so awesome but

I'm very humbled to be here today to

present my speech for you I'm very

humbled to be giving a TED talk today

no no the kind of humility I'm talking

about is the kind that drives its

practitioners to lead lives that are

gracious unassuming and character driven

lives that are lived under the

conviction that I am not the center of

the universe I am not all that lives

that believe in listening and

understanding as opposed to performing

and flaunting for other people lives

that are grounded in love and service

towards others that seems like a tall

order but by no means do I stand in

front of you today and say I am the

exemplar of the humble lifestyle look at

me do what I do and you'll be humble no

I am NOT the exemplar of the humble

lifestyle I have to work at this all the

time I'm a proud person but I have

something to say about it because I was

exposed to this my whole life and the

people of my parents I'm getting all

teary over there day in and day out my

parents showed nothing but love

sacrifice and dedication they never drew

attention to themselves they never put

their and wants and needs in front of

anyone else they always thought of their

kids and other people first service I

was blessed to grow up with people like

them but if that's not your story and

you don't have parents like that that

you can look up to it's ever more

critical that you find people like that

surround yourself with them peers

mentors model yourself after them strive

to be humble like they are and then once

you've done that model that for someone

else so that they look at your example

and want to live like you and we'll

really get this trend going in the right

direction for the sake of this hurting

world and for the sake of all your

future children to whom it will be so

critical that you pass on the lesson of

humility and service I tell you don't

just be yourself rather

humble yourself and go outside of

yourself so that you can serve this

broken world with those talents and

those traits that make you unique humble

yourself and we will watch this world

change for the better thank you

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]