How to win a negotiation, with former FBI hostage chief Chris Voss

Summary

This transcript from a video featuring an FBI hostage negotiator delves into the power of emotional intelligence in negotiation. It highlights the importance of understanding and addressing the emotional drivers behind people's decisions, which is crucial in hostage situations and equally applicable in business and personal negotiations. The speaker emphasizes 'tactical empathy' and the concept of 'listeners judo,' illustrating how acknowledging and labeling emotions can lead to more successful outcomes. The narrative includes practical examples, such as a customer service interaction, to demonstrate the effectiveness of these techniques in real-life scenarios.

Takeaways

• 👂 Hostage negotiation skills involve intense listening and emotional intelligence, which are crucial for understanding and calming people in high-pressure situations.
• 🔍 The speaker emphasizes that people's decision-making in intense situations is driven by the same factors as in normal circumstances, suggesting that negotiation skills are universally applicable.
• 💡 The script highlights that successful negotiations are not just about logic or compromise, but also about understanding and leveraging people's emotions and passions.
• 💰 The speaker points out that failing to consider emotional factors in negotiations can lead to significant financial losses over time.
• 🤝 Tactical empathy is presented as a key strategy in negotiations, where understanding and acknowledging the other party's feelings can lead to better outcomes.
• 🧠 The script introduces the concept of 'listener's judo,' a form of active listening that focuses on identifying the underlying emotions and motivations of the speaker.
• 🏆 The importance of acknowledging and addressing the fear of loss in negotiations is discussed, as people tend to value avoiding losses more than acquiring gains.
• 🏷 Labeling emotions and dynamics through phrases like 'it seems like' or 'it sounds like' is suggested as a way to practice tactical empathy and reduce the intensity of negative emotions.
• 🗣️ The speaker shares a personal anecdote about using empathy and acknowledgment to turn a negative customer service interaction into a positive outcome.
• 🌟 The script concludes by suggesting that being nice and understanding towards others can lead to surprising acts of generosity and support.

Q & A

What was the speaker's initial training before becoming an FBI hostage negotiator?

The speaker's initial training involved focused listening on a suicide hotline, which helped them learn about emotional intelligence and what drives people.

How did the hostage negotiators communicate with the gunman during the Chase Manhattan Bank incident?

The hostage negotiators used a bullhorn to try and talk to the gunman during the incident.

What does the speaker believe is the key to successful hostage negotiation?

The speaker believes that excellent hostage negotiating involves understanding and navigating human emotions to calm people down and help them make decisions.

How can hostage negotiation skills be applied to business and personal negotiations?

Hostage negotiation skills, which are about navigating human emotions, can be applied to business and personal negotiations to work through complex situations and achieve better outcomes.

Why does the speaker argue that successful negotiations are not solely based on logic or compromise?

The speaker argues that successful negotiations are not just about logic or compromise because people make decisions based on their emotions and what they care about, which can leave significant value on the table if not addressed.

What is the significance of understanding the other side's emotional perspective in negotiations?

Understanding the other side's emotional perspective is significant because it allows for tactical empathy, which can lead to better understanding of their motivations and how to interact effectively with them.

How does the fear of loss influence decision-making in negotiations?

The fear of loss drives decision-making more than the potential for gain, as people tend to value losses at least twice as much as equivalent gains, which can skew negotiations.

What is the role of tactical empathy in negotiations?

Tactical empathy plays a role in negotiations by addressing the fears and concerns of the other party first, which can help diffuse negative emotions and lead to a more rational and open-minded discussion.

What is the concept of 'labeling' in the context of tactical empathy?

Labeling in tactical empathy involves using phrases like 'it seems like' or 'it looks like' to put a label on the dynamic of a situation, which can help diminish negative emotions and improve understanding.

How does the speaker describe the type of listening they practice and teach?

The speaker describes their listening approach as 'listeners judo', which involves carefully listening for aspects of what people care about and what they are against, looking for both positive and negative implications.

Can you provide an example from the script where the speaker used their negotiation skills in a non-hostage situation?

The speaker provided an example of using their negotiation skills with a customer service representative from an airline, where they appreciated her generosity with their time, which led to a positive outcome.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 The Power of Emotional Intelligence in Negotiation

The speaker's negotiation background began with intense training on focused listening and emotional intelligence through work on a suicide hotline. This foundation was crucial for later work as an FBI hostage negotiator. The speaker discusses how people in high-pressure situations make decisions similarly to those in less intense circumstances, suggesting that hostage negotiation skills can be effectively applied to business and personal negotiations. The speaker emphasizes that successful negotiations are not solely based on logic or compromise but are heavily influenced by emotions. Understanding and addressing the emotional drivers of decision-making is key to making great deals and fostering long-term relationships. The concept of 'tactical empathy' is introduced as a method to understand and connect with the emotional state of the other party, which can lead to more successful outcomes. The speaker also touches on the importance of recognizing and addressing the fear of loss, which can significantly influence decision-making.

05:02

🎧 Advanced Listening Techniques for Effective Negotiation

The speaker delves into the advanced listening techniques that go beyond active listening, which they refer to as 'listeners judo'. This approach involves carefully listening for the underlying concerns and motivations of the other party, both positive and negative. The speaker explains that people often reveal their true feelings and priorities between the lines, and by recognizing these, one can guide a negotiation more effectively. An example is provided where the speaker uses this technique in a customer service interaction, appreciating the representative's time and generosity, which leads to a positive outcome. The speaker concludes by highlighting the importance of being nice to people and how it can lead to surprising acts of kindness and assistance.

Keywords

💡Hostage Negotiator

A hostage negotiator is a professional trained in crisis management and communication, whose role is to resolve hostage situations through dialogue and persuasion. In the video, the speaker's background as an FBI hostage negotiator is emphasized to highlight the importance of emotional intelligence and active listening in resolving high-stakes situations. The skills acquired in this role are then related to everyday negotiations, suggesting that the principles of hostage negotiation can be applied to business and personal interactions.

💡Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to recognize, understand, and manage both one's own emotions and those of others. The video underscores the significance of emotional intelligence in hostage negotiation, where it is crucial for understanding what drives people and navigating tense situations to calm them down. The concept is extended to business and personal negotiations, suggesting that emotional intelligence is key to making effective decisions and building strong relationships.

💡Tactical Empathy

Tactical empathy is the deliberate use of empathy to understand and influence others' emotions in a strategic manner. The speaker discusses the importance of tactical empathy in negotiations, explaining that by understanding the emotional state of the other party, one can better guide the negotiation process. An example from the script is the use of labels to practice tactical empathy, which involves acknowledging the other person's feelings to build rapport and trust.

💡Decision-making

Decision-making is the cognitive process of selecting a course of action from multiple options. The video argues that decision-making is inherently an emotional process, as people make choices based on what they care about. This concept is used to challenge the idea that successful negotiations are purely logical, emphasizing instead the role of emotions in driving decisions.

💡Fear of Loss

Fear of loss is a psychological phenomenon where the pain of losing something is felt more intensely than the pleasure of gaining something of equal value. The script references Nobel Prize-winning behavioral economics theory to explain how the fear of loss can heavily influence decision-making. In negotiations, addressing this fear is crucial to move people away from fear-based thinking and towards a more rational and open mindset.

💡Tactical Listening

Tactical listening, sometimes referred to as 'listeners judo' in the video, is a form of active listening that goes beyond simply hearing words. It involves carefully listening for the underlying emotions, motivations, and concerns of the speaker. The speaker uses the example of a customer service interaction to illustrate how tactical listening can reveal the negative and positive aspects of a situation, allowing for more effective communication and negotiation.

💡Labeling

Labeling, in the context of the video, is a communication technique where one describes or writes about a situation or emotion using phrases like 'it seems like' or 'it looks like.' This technique is part of practicing tactical empathy and is used to acknowledge and validate the other person's feelings. By labeling, one can diminish the intensity of negative emotions and create a more constructive dialogue.

💡Active Listening

Active listening is a communication technique that involves fully concentrating, understanding, responding, and then remembering what is being said. The video describes a form of active listening that is so attentive it's likened to 'listeners judo.' This heightened listening skill is used to pick up on subtle cues in the speaker's language that reveal their true feelings and concerns, which can then be used to guide the negotiation.

💡Yin and Yang

The concept of yin and yang, originating from Chinese philosophy, represents the idea that seemingly opposite or contrary forces are interconnected and interdependent. In the video, this concept is used to illustrate that every positive statement or emotion has a corresponding negative aspect, and vice versa. This understanding is applied to listening and communication, suggesting that by recognizing these dualities, one can better navigate negotiations.

💡Customer Service

Customer service refers to the assistance and advice provided to customers before, during, and after a purchase. The video includes a personal anecdote about a customer service interaction, highlighting the importance of empathy and understanding in such scenarios. The speaker demonstrates how acknowledging the customer service representative's potential negative feelings (being tired of dealing with complaints) and then addressing them with a positive comment (appreciating her generosity) can lead to a more favorable outcome.

💡Negotiation

Negotiation is a process where involved parties discuss and resolve issues to reach an agreement. The video emphasizes that negotiation is not just about logic or compromise but is deeply rooted in emotional processes. It suggests that by understanding and addressing the emotional drivers behind decisions, one can achieve more successful outcomes in negotiations, both in professional and personal contexts.

Highlights

The speaker's negotiation background began with intense listening training on a suicide hotline, focusing on emotional intelligence.

Hostage negotiation is deeply rooted in understanding and navigating human emotions rather than logic or reasoning.

People under intense situations make decisions based on their emotional patterns, which can be leveraged in negotiations.

Emotional intelligence in negotiations, particularly using empathy, is critical for long-term success in both business and personal relationships.

Many negotiators mistakenly view negotiations as conflict and focus on the person across the table, rather than on understanding their emotions.

All decisions are emotionally driven, meaning understanding the emotional context is key to successful negotiations.

A critical aspect of negotiation is demonstrating that you fully understand the other side's emotions and concerns.

Often, being understood is more important to a negotiator than getting what they want, highlighting the value of empathy.

Tactical empathy involves recognizing the emotional drivers behind someone's decision-making and addressing them effectively.

Fear of loss is a powerful motivator, with people often valuing potential losses more than equivalent gains in negotiations.

Labeling a negative emotion, such as saying 'it seems like,' helps to diminish its impact and facilitate more productive discussions.

Preemptively addressing potential negative responses can lead to better outcomes, as people feel more at ease once concerns are acknowledged.

Listening carefully to both positive and negative emotions allows negotiators to guide conversations effectively.

Understanding the yin and yang of emotions—every positive has a negative and vice versa—helps in steering discussions strategically.

An example of empathy in practice: the speaker showed appreciation for a stressed customer service agent, resulting in a favorable outcome—a full refund.

Transcripts

- My negotiation background really started

even before I became an FBI hostage negotiator

because I needed to get some training.

And that training was really intense, focused listening

on a suicide hotline.

Really learning about emotional intelligence

and what drives people, and then how to navigate that

in a way that calms people down,

makes people make decisions.

- 'Gunmen burst into the Chase Manhattan Bank

in Park Slope this morning.

And ever since negotiators have been trying

to get them to give up.'

- 'Hostage negotiators used a bullhorn to try

and talk to the gunman.'

- 'Billy, we're on the same page.'

- 'What persuaded

the gunman finally to come out?

- I think it was excellent hostage negotiating.'

- People in intense situations

aren't changing their patterns.

They're still working in the same way

that they would under less intense circumstances;

they're still making the same decisions.

So if you take hostage negotiation skills,

which are navigating human emotions,

and you put them in the middle of business

and personal negotiations,

you've actually got a great way to work your way

through business negotiations,

and personal and everyday life negotiations.

If you think that successful negotiations are successful

because of logic or arguments or reason or compromise,

you're losing money-

you're leaving millions of dollars on the table.

And over the course of a lifetime,

that could be true for everybody.

Tactically, emotional intelligent negotiation

is the way you make great deals,

and the way you have great long-term relationships.

And sometimes they miss that and they think

that the problem is a person across the table.

And that's why, oftentimes, that people think of it

as conflict and actually treat it as conflict.

Negotiation is really about

what people are making decisions based on

what they care about, what's your passions?

Every decision you make, you make based on

what you care about, which I'm afraid that by definition,

that makes decision-making an emotional process.

First of all, understanding where

the other side's coming from and especially emotionally,

and then being able to feed it back to them

in a way that they signal to you that you've got it right.

Understand and demonstrate that understanding.

There are a lot of negotiators

that really will give in on a deal

because being understood is more important

than getting what they want.

So once we completely understand

where somebody's coming from, then with tactical empathy,

we get a much better feel for exactly how they feel

about things, how that drives them-

and then how we can interact with the things

that are driving them.

The reasons you won't make a deal are typically

more important than the reasons you will make a deal.

There's Nobel Prize-winning behavioral economics theory

that says that people will put a value of losses

on at least twice what an equivalent gain is.

So losing $5 stings at least twice as much as gaining $5.

Losing $5 feels like losing $10 or even $35-

it's just a ridiculous skewing in our brains over loss.

So knowing that fear of loss is probably going

to drive someone's decision-making more than anything else,

tactically, I want to diffuse those fears.

I want to get them out of that fear-based thinking,

and I want to get them really in a more rational,

open frame of mind as quickly as I can,

which is why, tactically and empathy,

I wanna address their fears first.

Well, labeling is the best way to practice tactical empathy:

In its strictest form, it's just saying, or writing,

"it seems like, it sounds like, it looks like,"

putting a label on the dynamic.

And science is showing us now, that if we label a negative,

it diminishes it.

I'll actually say to somebody ahead of time,

"Look, this is gonna sound really harsh,

and there's a really good chance

that when I get done saying what I'm gonna say,

you're not gonna like me at all."

And then I'll say what I have to say,

and they'll say, "Wow, that wasn't that bad."

So I know I can take a very preemptive approach

to negative thinking because I know what a barrier it is

to decision-making in business.

The type of listening-I practice it as I teach it-

is really kind of beyond active listening all by itself.

We even sort of refer to it sometimes as 'listeners judo'

because we're listening very carefully for certain things.

We're listening for different aspects

of what people care about, and what they're against

at the same time.

People will reveal the negatives, very much,

either between the lines, a little bit of the adjectives,

and in also in every positive there's a flip side negative;

every negative, there's a flip side positive.

If I make it a point of talking about how I'm for integrity,

then if you're making it a point to state that

then you've been betrayed in the past,

that's been a problem for you in the past.

There's a yin and yang to everything.

And as soon as you realize that,

that there's a negative to every positive

and a positive to every negative,

and you're listening for it, you can kind of pick out

how you want to guide a discussion knowing

that those are the things that you're looking for.

I remember one time I was on the phone

with a customer service airlines person,

and that's gotta be a tough job

because those people get yelled at all day long every day.

Nobody calls customer service unless they're unhappy.

And this woman was one of those women

that she clearly she'd been yelled

at 50 times during the day,

and she was not interested in staying on the phone

with me a moment longer than she had to.

And I remember when I was off the phone

and she had me on hold, I remember saying,

"You know, I guarantee you this woman right now is thinking,

she's saying to her colleagues,

'You know, this guy's lucky I'm talking

to him on a phone at all!'"

So I was thinking about the negative of that,

and then I was about the flip side.

Well in her view, if she thinks I'm lucky to be talking

to her on the phone,

then the flip side of that is she's actually being generous

in her mind and her world.

She came back on the phone and I said to her,

"You know what?

I really appreciate how generous you've been

with your time."

And I could tell immediately her frame of mind changed.

She put me back on hold for about a minute

and a half after that.

And when she came back on the phone,

she'd given me a full refund on my ticket.

Most people, if you're nice to them,

can help you by doing a little bit

if you give them a chance.

If you're just nice to people,

it's amazing what they'll do for you.

- That's awesome. - That was great story.

- Thank you. - Thank you for awesomeness.

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