Never Split The Difference Summary & Review (Chris Voss) - ANIMATED

Summary

In this insightful script, former FBI negotiator Chris Voss shares unconventional tactics for successful negotiations, emphasizing emotional intelligence, empathy, and active listening. Techniques like mirroring, tactical empathy, and calibrated questions are highlighted to build trust and connect with the other party on an emotional level, ultimately steering negotiations in your favor.

Takeaways

• 📚 Embrace a unique negotiation approach by rejecting traditional tactics and focusing on human emotions and psychology.
• 👤 Recognize the importance of emotional intelligence and empathy in successful negotiations, as they often outweigh logic and facts.
• 👂 Develop active listening skills to make the other party feel heard, which is essential for forming a genuine connection.
• 🔄 Utilize mirroring to demonstrate understanding by echoing the last few words of what the other person said.
• 🎯 Practice tactical empathy by understanding and verbalizing the other person's perspective to build trust and rapport.
• 🏷️ Apply labelling to acknowledge the other person's emotions in a neutral, third-person phrase to show you grasp their feelings.
• 🗣️ Use calibrated questions to elicit more information and encourage the other party to help solve the problem at hand.
• 👍 Aim for the 'that's right' confirmation, which signifies that you've connected with the other person on an emotional level.
• 🤝 Establish trust by being welcoming, perceptive, insightful, and warm, rather than bullying or overwhelming with facts.
• 🤔 Focus on the human element in negotiations, acknowledging that people are irrational, emotional, and biased.
• 💡 Remember that the goal is to make the other person see that solving your problem can also solve theirs, creating a win-win situation.

Q & A

What is the main difference between 'Never Split the Difference' and traditional negotiation tactics?

The main difference is that 'Never Split the Difference' focuses on emotional intelligence and empathy rather than just facts and logic, which are often the basis of traditional negotiation tactics.

Who is the author of 'Never Split the Difference' and what is his background?

The author is Chris Voss, a former FBI negotiator with experience dealing with high-stakes situations such as hostage negotiations.

Why do traditional 'win-win' negotiation strategies fail in high-stakes situations?

They fail because they often overlook the emotional and irrational aspects of human nature, which become crucial when the stakes are extremely high.

What is the role of emotion in successful negotiations according to the script?

Emotion plays a critical role in determining the success or failure of negotiations, as it drives human behavior more than logic.

How does one establish trust during a negotiation?

Trust is established by being welcoming, perceptive, insightful, and warm, and by empathizing with the other party to show that solving your problem can also solve theirs.

What is 'active listening' and why is it important in negotiations?

Active listening is the act of fully focusing on what the other person is saying without formulating a response in your mind. It's important because it makes the other person feel heard and understood, which is key to building trust.

Can you explain the 'mirroring' technique used in active listening?

Mirroring involves replying using the last few words of what the other person said. It signals to the other person that you are not only hearing them but also that you are similar to them, which helps create trust.

What is 'tactical empathy' and how is it used in negotiations?

Tactical empathy is understanding and vocalizing the other person's perspective to get what you want. It involves 'labelling' their emotions with phrases like 'It seems like you' to make them feel understood.

How can a negotiator use 'calibrated questions' to their advantage?

Calibrated questions are open-ended 'how' and 'what' questions that prompt longer answers and engage the other party in helping solve the problem at hand.

What is the significance of getting the other side to say 'that's right' during a negotiation?

When the other side says 'that's right', it means they are acknowledging your understanding of their perspective, which indicates a successful emotional connection and can transform the negotiation environment in your favor.

How can the tactics from 'Never Split the Difference' be applied to improve one's negotiation skills?

By practicing active listening, using mirroring and labelling to show empathy, and asking calibrated questions, one can better understand the emotional needs of the other party and use that understanding to navigate negotiations more effectively.

Outlines

00:00

🔍 Active Listening and Empathy in Negotiation

The first paragraph introduces the concept of 'Never Split the Difference' as a negotiation strategy by Chris Voss, a former FBI negotiator. It emphasizes the ineffectiveness of traditional negotiation methods in high-stakes situations and the importance of understanding human emotions and biases. Voss suggests that successful negotiations hinge on emotional intelligence and forming genuine connections. The key to this is active listening, which involves focusing entirely on the speaker and using mirroring to demonstrate understanding. Tactical empathy and labelling are introduced as tools to make the other party feel heard and understood, with examples provided to illustrate their application.

05:01

🗣️ Leveraging 'That's Right' and Calibrated Questions

The second paragraph delves into the significance of earning the agreement 'that's right' from the other party, indicating an emotional connection and a shift in the negotiation dynamic. It introduces calibrated questions as a method to navigate unfavorable situations by prompting the other party to think and contribute to problem-solving. The paragraph illustrates how to use tactical empathy and calibrated questions iteratively to steer negotiations towards a desired outcome. It concludes by underscoring the role of emotions over facts and logic in successful negotiations and encourages the reader to apply these tactics to improve their negotiation skills.

Keywords

💡Negotiation

Negotiation is the process of discussion and compromise between two or more parties to reach a mutually acceptable agreement. In the context of the video, it emphasizes a non-traditional approach, focusing on emotional intelligence and empathy rather than just logic and facts. The script discusses how traditional tactics like 'splitting the difference' may not be effective in high-stakes situations, such as hostage negotiations led by Chris Voss.

💡Active Listening

Active listening is a communication technique where the listener focuses fully on the speaker, seeking to understand their message completely. It is highlighted in the video as a critical skill for negotiators to master, as it makes the speaker feel heard and understood. The script provides the example of using 'mirroring' to demonstrate active listening, where the listener echoes the last few words of the speaker to show engagement.

💡Emotion

Emotion is a strong feeling derived from one's thoughts, expectations, or experiences. The video script underscores the importance of emotions in negotiations, stating that they often play a more significant role than logic in determining the success or failure of an agreement. It suggests that recognizing and responding to emotions can help negotiators establish trust and rapport.

💡Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. In the script, 'tactical empathy' is introduced as a strategy where negotiators vocalize the emotions and perspectives of the other party to build trust and understanding. An example given is how a pharmaceutical representative used tactical empathy to connect with a doctor by acknowledging his concern for his patients' well-being.

💡Trust

Trust is the reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, or surety of a person or thing. The video emphasizes that establishing trust is a primary goal for negotiators. It is achieved by demonstrating active listening, empathy, and understanding, which makes the other party feel valued and respected, as illustrated by the doctor's reaction in the script when his emotions were acknowledged.

💡Irrationality

Irrationality refers to the state of not being rational or logical, often driven by emotions or biases. The script points out that traditional negotiation tactics fail because they overlook the irrational nature of humans. Recognizing and accommodating this aspect of human behavior is key to successful negotiation.

💡Labelling

Labelling, in the context of the video, is a technique where negotiators use phrases like 'It seems like' or 'It looks like' to vocalize the perceived emotions or thoughts of the other party. This approach from the script helps to validate the other person's feelings without committing to a definitive interpretation, providing a way to navigate the negotiation with sensitivity.

💡Mirroring

Mirroring is a communication technique where a listener repeats the last few words of the speaker to show they are actively engaged in the conversation. The script describes mirroring as a way to signal to the speaker that they are being heard and understood, which can help establish a connection and build trust.

💡Calibrated Questions

Calibrated questions are open-ended inquiries used to probe deeper into a topic or to seek clarification without directly confronting the other party. The script illustrates their use in negotiations, suggesting that questions like 'how' and 'what' can prompt the other party to consider the issue more deeply and potentially offer solutions that are more aligned with your interests.

💡Tactical Empathy

Tactical empathy is a strategic form of empathy used in negotiations to understand and articulate the other party's perspective. The script explains that by using tactical empathy, negotiators can make the other party feel genuinely understood, which can be a powerful tool for building rapport and influencing the negotiation's outcome.

💡Emotionally Intelligent

Being emotionally intelligent means having the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions and the emotions of others. In the script, emotional intelligence is portrayed as a vital quality for negotiators, allowing them to navigate the emotional landscape of a negotiation effectively and connect with the other party on a deeper level.

Highlights

The book challenges traditional negotiation tactics and offers a fresh perspective based on the author's experience as a former FBI negotiator dealing with high-stakes situations.

Traditional 'win-win' negotiation strategies fail in high-stakes scenarios, such as hostage situations, where the goal is not to split the difference but to save lives.

Most old-school negotiation tactics are ineffective because they overlook the emotional and irrational aspects of human behavior during negotiations.

Successful negotiations require emotional intelligence and empathy, focusing on forming a genuine human connection rather than relying solely on logic.

Emotion, rather than logic, is the key determinant of the success or failure of negotiations.

The primary goal in negotiation is to establish trust by appearing welcoming, perceptive, insightful, and warm.

Active listening is crucial for turning human emotions to one's advantage, requiring full attention to what the other person is saying without formulating a response in advance.

Mirroring, or repeating the last few words of the other person's statement, is a technique to demonstrate active listening and create trust.

Tactical empathy involves understanding and vocalizing the other person's perspective to gain their cooperation.

Labelling is a method of expressing the other person's emotions using phrases like 'It seems like you' to show understanding and empathy.

An example of tactical empathy is when a pharmaceutical rep successfully empathizes with a doctor's concern for his patients, leading to a more open negotiation.

Using third-person phrases like 'It seems like' provides a negotiation exit strategy if the interpretation of emotions is incorrect.

The ultimate goal in negotiation is to earn a 'that's right' from the other party, indicating they feel heard and understood on an emotional level.

Calibrated questions are open-ended inquiries used to prompt longer answers and engage the other party in problem-solving.

Tactical empathy can be re-employed alongside calibrated questions to navigate towards a desired outcome even if initial proposals are not satisfactory.

Successful negotiations hinge on making the other person feel heard and understood, leveraging empathy to connect on an emotional level and influence the negotiation in one's favor.

Transcripts

Never Split the

difference goes in a totally opposite direction to most traditional negotiation tactics, advice

and teachings.

And for a good reason.

The author, Chris Voss is a former FBI negotiator who is used to dealing with hostage takers,

bank robbers and violent people of all types.

And when the stakes are as high as someone’s life, the generic “getting to yes” or

“win win negotiating” fall flat on their face.

After all, if the person who you love most in the world has been taken hostage “splitting

the difference” with the other side is probably not what you want the outcome to be.

Chris Voss teaches us that why most of the old-school negotiation tactics don’t work

as well is because they ignore the actual human being doing the negotiating.

People are irrational, emotional and biased.

It is what makes it human after all.

A successful negotiation is about being emotionally intelligent and empathetic to the other side.

It is about forming a genuine human connection with the other person.

Emotion, not logic determines the success of failure of negotiations.

Your goal as a negotiator is to establish TRUST by getting the other side to see you

as welcoming, perceptive, insightful and warm.

You are not there to bully them into submission and bury them with facts - you are there to

empathize and help them see that solving your problem solves their problems too.

It all starts with ACTIVE LISTENING

Before you can turn human emotions to your advantage, you need to make the other person

feel HEARD and understood.

To do that, you need to become a master of “active listening”.

It is the act of muting your own internal commentary and focusing 100% of your attention

to what the other person is saying.

This is radically different to what you are used to doing in everyday life which is “passive

listening” - hearing what you want to hear and filtering out the rest.

Or concentrating on formulating your answer while the other person is still talking, thus

not really paying attention.

To demonstrate your superb listening skills, you make use of a tactic called “mirroring”

- you reply using the last 3 or 4 words of what the other person said.

For example, if they say “I cannot believe it’s going to be so unbelievably cold on

Friday”, your reply starts with “Yeah Friday is going to be unbelievably cold…”

and then you continue with what you want to say.

By imitating their speech patterns you are signalling (on an emotional level) to the

other person that you are not only hearing them, but you are similar to them.

This creates trust.

You have made the other person feel heard, now it is time to level-up and make them feel

understood.

You do that by employing “tactical empathy”.

It is understanding someone else’s perspective and then vocalizing it, in order to get what

YOU want.

You do that by what the author calls “labelling”.

You actively listen to the other person and then you vocalize their emotion with a neutral

third-person phrase such as “It seems like you” / “It looks like you” or / It sounds

like you.

Let me demonstrate this with an example from the book.

A pharmaceutical rep was having a conversation with a doctor who told her upfront he is totally

uninterested in switching to the drug she was offering (talk about starting the negotiations

on the wrong foot).

But while they were talking the rep noticed that the doctor’s voice and entire attitude

lights up when he was talking about his patients.

So, she employed some “tactical empathy” and said “It seems like you really care

about the well-being of your patients”. which made the doctor bring his guard down

and turn whole situation around.

The rep actively listened, extracted the emotion from the conversation and stated it out loud

with “it seems like”.

In this case she was on-point in her observation, but even if she wasn’t using a third-person

phrase like that leaves her with an exit strategy.

If the doctors would have said “not even close”, she could always reply “I didn’t

say it was the case, I just said it SEEMED like it”, thus diffusing a potentially bad

situation.

Your goal as a successful negotiator is to actively listen, employ tactical empathy and

use mirroring and labelling to get to the other side to the magical two words - “that’s

right”.

When you have summarized the other person’s words and emotions and you’ve earned a “that’s

right” from them, they are crediting you with seeing things their way.

You have connected with them on an emotional level which totally transforms the negotiation

environment.

The next step is to use “calibrated questions”.

These are open-ended “how” and “what” questions for when you inevitably hear something

you don’t like.

For example, if you are negotiating with your landlord who wants to increase your rent,

instead of just saying “no” you can hit him with a “how am I supposed to do that”

or “what are we really trying to accomplish here”.

This type of questions prompts for a longer answer.

They put the other person to work helping you solve your problem.

If they reply with something which is better, but still not what you had in mind, you employ

some tactical empathy and another variation of the same calibrated question.

So, if your landlord says “Ok, how about with do this price instead of this”, you

can reply with “It sounds like you think your property is undervalued compared to similar

properties in the area, but how am I supposed to afford that given my salary which is fixed”

and you keep going till you have reached your goal.

Successful negotiations are all about understanding that the emotions of the other person play

a much bigger role than facts and logic.

By making them feel heard and understood you can diffuse any situation.

When you make use of empathy to demonstrate that you really understand their perspective

and connect with them on an emotional level, you can turn any negotiation in your favour.

Now, let’s see how you can make use of this tactics

to make yourself

into

a better negotiator.