How To Get What You Want Every Time: ex FBI agent Chris Voss

Summary

This video script explores the art of negotiation through the lens of Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, and author of 'Never Split the Difference'. It emphasizes the importance of understanding and empathy in negotiation, debunking the myth of a 50/50 win-win situation. The script outlines five key lessons, including the power of tactical empathy, the benefits of starting with 'no', and the significance of mirroring and labeling in uncovering the other party's needs. These strategies aim to find a 'third way' solution, fostering collaboration and mutual satisfaction.

Takeaways

• 👞 The importance of negotiation in everyday life and finding a 'Third Way' to satisfy both parties.
• 📚 Chris Voss's background as an FBI hostage negotiator and his belief in applying these principles to various situations.
• 👂 The crucial role of listening and showing empathy in negotiations to make the other party feel understood and respected.
• 😀 The three fundamental desires in negotiation: to be understood, respected, and to get what they want.
• 🔍 Viewing negotiation as a discovery process rather than a battle, with the goal of uncovering the other side's true wants and needs.
• 😊 The positive impact of smiling during negotiations, which can increase intelligence and create a more positive mindset.
• 🔗 The effectiveness of mirroring in eliciting more information from the other party and maintaining a smooth conversation.
• 🎯 Tactical empathy as a tool for understanding and addressing the emotional obstacles that may hinder agreement.
• 🏷️ The use of labels to summarize and reflect back the emotions of the opponent, creating a stronger bond and understanding.
• 🚫 The strategy of starting with 'no' to gain control and avoid feeling trapped or committed too early in the negotiation.
• 🗣️ The power of affirming the other party's statements with 'That's right' to validate their feelings and move closer to a deal.

Q & A

What is the main theme of the video script about?

The main theme of the video script is about negotiation strategies and principles, drawing insights from Chris Voss's experiences as a hostage negotiator and author of 'Never Split the Difference'.

What does Chris Voss believe about the concept of a win-win negotiation?

Chris Voss does not believe in win-win or 50/50 outcomes in negotiations. Instead, he advocates for finding a third way that satisfies both parties, rather than splitting the difference.

Why does the script mention that wearing one black shoe and one brown shoe is ridiculous?

The script uses the example of wearing mismatched shoes to illustrate the absurdity of a literal interpretation of a 50/50 compromise, emphasizing the need for more creative solutions in negotiations.

What is the first lesson from the book that the script discusses?

The first lesson is about understanding that every negotiation begins with the need for people to feel understood and accepted. Listening intently is a crucial part of this process.

What are the three things people generally want in a negotiation according to the script?

People generally want to be understood, respected, and to get what they want from the negotiation.

What is the significance of smiling during a negotiation as mentioned in the script?

Smiling during a negotiation can switch on the positivity light in the brain, making one 31 percent smarter and fostering a more conducive environment for reaching an agreement.

Can you explain the tactic of 'mirroring' as discussed in the script?

Mirroring involves repeating the last three or most critical words of what the opponent has said. It encourages the other party to reveal more information and can help to keep the conversation running smoothly.

What is 'tactical empathy' and why is it important in negotiations?

Tactical empathy is understanding and acknowledging the feelings and mindset of the other person. It's important because it helps to identify emotional obstacles and create a stronger bond, which can lead to more successful negotiations.

How can labeling emotions help in negotiations?

Labeling emotions helps to confirm that the correct emotion has been identified and signals to the opponent that they are truly understood, which can enhance the negotiation process.

What does the script suggest as an effective way to start a negotiation?

The script suggests starting with 'no' as it provides a sense of safety and control, allowing the person to focus better on the negotiation without feeling trapped or committed.

What is the significance of the phrase 'that's right' in negotiations?

The phrase 'that's right' is powerful in negotiations as it indicates that the other party feels completely heard and understood, which can bring the negotiation closer to a successful conclusion.

Why is it important to be aware of the difference between 'that's right' and 'you're right' in negotiations?

The difference between 'that's right' and 'you're right' is subtle but significant. 'That's right' indicates agreement and understanding, while 'you're right' might be used to dismiss or end the conversation, which could be counterproductive in negotiations.

Outlines

00:00

👞 The Art of Negotiation: Beyond Win-Win

This paragraph introduces the concept of negotiation, particularly the common belief in a win-win outcome. It challenges this notion by referencing Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator and author, who advocates for a 'third way' in negotiations. Voss's experience indicates that negotiation principles are universal, applicable to both high-stakes situations and everyday life. The paragraph emphasizes the importance of understanding and being understood, as well as respecting the other party's perspective, as foundational to successful negotiation.

05:02

🔍 Uncovering the Essence of Negotiation

The second paragraph delves into the strategies for effective negotiation. It discusses the importance of viewing negotiation as a discovery process rather than a battle. The author suggests tactics such as smiling to induce a positive mindset and mirroring to encourage the other party to reveal more information. The paragraph also introduces tactical empathy, which involves understanding and acknowledging the other party's emotions to build rapport and facilitate agreement.

10:03

🤝 Advanced Negotiation Techniques for Success

The final paragraph presents advanced negotiation techniques, including the use of labels to confirm understanding and defuse negative emotions. It explains how starting with 'no' can provide a sense of control and safety, allowing for clearer thinking and focus. The paragraph concludes with the powerful phrase 'that's right,' which, when used correctly, can indicate that a negotiation is nearing a successful conclusion. The importance of people skills in professional success is also highlighted, with an invitation to explore further resources for improvement.

Keywords

💡Negotiation

Negotiation is a process where two or more parties discuss and resolve issues to reach an agreement. In the video, negotiation is the central theme, with the emphasis on finding a 'third way' that satisfies both parties rather than a simple compromise. The script uses the example of choosing between black and brown shoes to illustrate the complexity of negotiation in personal life.

💡Win-Win

A win-win situation is an outcome where all parties involved in the negotiation feel they have gained something positive. The video challenges the traditional win-win approach by suggesting that a true win-win might not be a 50-50 split but rather a creative solution that meets deeper needs or desires of both parties.

💡Chris Voss

Chris Voss is a former international hostage negotiator for the FBI and the author of the book 'Never Split the Difference'. His expertise in high-stakes negotiations is highlighted in the video as a foundation for effective negotiation strategies in various aspects of life.

💡Tactical Empathy

Tactical empathy in the context of the video refers to understanding and acknowledging the emotions and perspectives of the other party in a negotiation. It is a strategy to build rapport and uncover the underlying motivations that drive the other party's position, as illustrated by the script's advice to label emotions to create a stronger bond.

💡Mirroring

Mirroring is a negotiation technique where the listener repeats the last few words or key phrases of the speaker to encourage further elaboration. The video script describes mirroring as a powerful tool to elicit more information from the other party, making the conversation flow more smoothly.

💡Labeling

Labeling is the act of summarizing and reflecting back what the other party has said, often starting with phrases like 'It seems like' or 'It sounds like'. In the video, labeling is presented as a method to validate emotions and show understanding, which can facilitate a more productive negotiation.

💡Diffusing Negatives

Diffusing negatives involves acknowledging and addressing potential criticisms or negative emotions before they are expressed by the other party. The script uses this concept to explain how preemptively addressing negative feelings can shift the focus from complaints to problem-solving.

💡Start with No

Starting with no is a strategy that suggests beginning negotiations by expressing initial disagreement or reluctance. The video explains that saying no can provide a sense of control and safety, allowing for clearer thinking and a more strategic approach to negotiation.

💡That's Right

The phrase 'That's right' is highlighted in the video as a powerful affirmation that signals the other party feels completely understood. It is used to indicate that a negotiation is nearing a successful conclusion when the other party feels heard and validated.

💡Discovery

Discovery in the context of negotiation is the process of uncovering the underlying needs and desires of the other party. The video script emphasizes that negotiation is not a battle but an opportunity to explore and understand what the other side truly wants.

💡People Skills

People skills refer to the ability to interact effectively with others, which includes communication, empathy, and understanding. The video concludes by emphasizing the importance of people skills in all aspects of life, not just in formal negotiations.

Highlights

Chris Voss does not believe in win-win negotiations and emphasizes finding a third way that makes both sides happy.

Voss has over 20 years of experience as a hostage negotiator at the FBI and applies his knowledge to business and personal life negotiations.

Negotiation is about understanding and accepting the other side; listening is the cheapest and most effective tool.

People want to be understood, respected, and then get what they want in negotiations.

Negotiation is not a battle of arguments but a discovery process to uncover what the other side wants.

Smiling and mirroring are effective tactics to create positivity and encourage the other side to reveal more information.

Tactical empathy involves understanding and labeling the feelings and mindset of the other person.

Labeling helps confirm identified emotions and signals understanding, creating a stronger bond.

Diffusing negatives with labels can help shift focus from complaints to solutions.

Starting with 'no' makes the other side feel safe and in control, fostering better focus and quicker responses.

'That's right' is a powerful phrase indicating complete understanding and readiness for agreement.

Getting a 'that's right' means the deal is almost done, while 'you're right' often indicates failure.

Empathy and effective people skills are crucial for successful negotiations and dealing with people.

Mirroring involves repeating the last few words of what the opponent said, leading them to reveal more information.

Positive state of mind increases brain power by 31%, making it important to create a positive negotiation environment.

Transcripts

imagine you're going to a very important

party with your partner and you want to

wear black shoes but your partner wants

you to wear brown shoes instead how

would you negotiate this situation

many people believe that win-win or 50

50 is the best outcome in negotiation if

you also think so then can you tell me

what is the win-win in this example

are you going to wear one black shoe and

one brown shoe it sounds ridiculous

right

that is exactly how Chris Voss thinks he

does not believe in win wins Chris is

the author of a New York Times

best-selling book called Never split the

difference negotiate as if your life

depends on it Chris has worked for more

than 20 years as a hostage negotiator at

the FBI dealing with kidnappers bank

robbers and extreme terrorists he found

out that the knowledge he has learned as

a hostage negotiator is also applicable

to a wide range of business and personal

life situations since the fundamentals

of human negotiations are essentially

the same in any situation regardless of

age gender and ethnicity negotiation

with the terrorist and negotiation with

a businessman is based on the same

principles we negotiate every day such

as when you try to send the kids to bed

early or when you convince a friend to

go to a different restaurant our entire

life is negotiation and Chris says that

negotiation is not about your way or my

way negotiation is about finding a third

way that makes both sides happy for

example let's say two of your kids are

fighting over a chocolate and they

cannot divide it it doesn't matter how

you divide the chocolate they are both

unhappy and think that the other side

got more

the Third Way solution in this situation

is to ask one kid to divide the

chocolate equally and the other kid to

pick first in this video I will share

with you the five lessons I learned from

the book that will help you to become a

better negotiator

lesson number one understand first every

negotiation begins with the universally

applicable law that people want to be

understood and accepted listening is the

cheapest yet most effective thing we can

do to get there by listening intensely

you demonstrate empathy and a sincere

desire to understand what the other side

is experiencing it sounds easy but you

cannot imagine how many people fail to

listen when the other side starts

talking instead of listening they think

about what they will say and when the

other side stops they give their pitch

regardless of what the other side just

said and the other side starts saying to

himself huh they didn't even listen to a

word I was saying I'm sure you've

experienced this sometimes you talk to

someone and you feel like you're talking

about different topics people usually

yell in negotiations because they feel

that they have not been heard everyone

wants three things in negotiation number

one to be understood number two

respected and only then get what they

want from the negotiation if you fail at

listening don't expect success from the

negotiation

lesson number two negotiation is not a

battle it is a discovery people who view

negotiation as a battle of arguments

become overwhelmed by the voices in

their heads but the truth is negotiation

isn't a battle it's an act of Discovery

the objective is to uncover what the

other side wants is it money time

respect recognition Etc

in order to do that the author

recommends several tactics the first one

is simply smiling when you smile at

someone it's like reaching out to their

brain and switching on positivity light

we are 31 percent smarter when we are in

a positive state of mind which also

means if we are in a negative state of

mind it makes us 31 Dumber the second

tactic is mirroring mirroring is simply

repeating the last three or most

critical words of what your opponent has

just said for example your opponent I

have a very high expectation and want

more money

you

want more money

mirroring feels very strange at first

but if you practice it will work like

magic mirroring makes the other side

vomit information it's much more

powerful than saying what did you mean

by that when you say what did you mean

by that you give your opponent a break

to think and correct himself on the

other side mirroring makes conversation

run smoothly and makes the opponent

reveal more information after you have

mirrored stay silent for at least four

seconds and let the mirroring do its

magic

lesson number three tactical empathy

tactical empathy is understanding the

feelings and mindset of the other person

and hearing what is behind those

feelings especially focusing on

identifying the emotional obstacles that

are standing in the way of agreement

once you have identified the emotion

then label it labeling simply means you

summarize what your opponent just told

you and give it back to him labels

always start with

it seems like it sounds like

for example you see that your opponent

talks very passionately about his

students in order to label it you simply

say

it seems like you care a lot about your

students then stay silent and let the

label do its magic labeling is effective

for two reasons first it helps you to

confirm that you have identified the

right emotion second it signals to your

opponent that you truly understand him

which creates a stronger Bond and makes

your opponent like you if a person likes

you it is six times more likely that you

will have a deal empathy brings two

brains together the moment you feel

empathy and see that there is something

that makes you collaborate with me then

your brain power and my brain power get

together to solve the problem

another tactical empathy method is

called diffusing negatives with labels

this is especially effective if you know

that your opponent is angry and has bad

feelings against you before you go to

the meeting sit down and think about all

the negative things that your opponent

might say against you during the meeting

or negotiation after you have identified

all the negative feelings then label

them for example let's say you know that

your client is very unhappy because your

company missed the deadline and didn't

deliver what was promised based on this

data you know that your client thinks

that you are unreliable and unable to

keep promises so as soon as you start

the meeting you can defuse the negative

by saying it might seem like we're

screwing you and we're not capable of

keeping our promises and delivering what

was agreed upon and because of this you

might even consider not doing business

with us anymore

and you are absolutely right to think in

this way

the moment you say this your opponent

thinks

huh he thinks like I do I kind of like

him

if you did not defuse the negative your

opponent would spend hours explaining

how bad he feels but now that you have

defused all the negatives your opponent

will be more focused on the solution

rather than complaining negative

emotions and fear of losing affect our

brain three times stronger than positive

emotions

so help your opponent to get rid of the

negative feelings then you will have

much better results

number four

start with no

pushing hard for a yes doesn't get you

any closer to a victory contrary to

popular belief no is the start of the

negotiation not the end of it when you

say yes to something you feel committed

or trapped for example if I come to you

and say can we talk for five minutes

after you say yes automatically your

brain starts saying how long is five

minutes actually gonna be am I gonna be

stuck with her for one hour and go home

late is she gonna sell me her stupid

idea again

all those distractions in your mind stop

you from focusing on the negotiation you

just want to get out of there as soon as

possible

in comparison to pushing you for yes if

I came to you and said is it a bad time

to talk for five minutes

you'd probably say no it's not but let

me finish X Y and Z and meet you in 15

minutes at my desk since you started

with no you feel safe because you didn't

commit to anything plus saying no gives

control to you it was you who said let's

meet in 15 minutes when you feel in

control it makes you think quicker

faster and helps you to focus on

implementation without any distractions

also after you said no you answered two

to three upcoming questions by yourself

I did not have to ask you where to meet

when to meet you gave me everything I

wanted without even working for it

lesson number five

that's right

that is right is one of the most

powerful phrases in negotiation that you

want to hear to get this answer you

simply take your opponent's words and

repeat back to him it sounds simple and

maybe a stupid thing to do but works

well it puts the other side's empathy on

steroids if you get that is right then

you can be sure that the deal is almost

done that's right is what we say when we

feel completely heard and believe that

the other side really understands us we

also say that is right at aha moments

please be careful if you get you are

right it means you failed completely the

difference between these two phrases is

Tiny But the implication is huge when

somebody says you're right they're most

likely trying to get rid of you or end

the conversation

dealing with people is one of the

hardest jobs out there you can be

perfect at your job but if you have poor

people skills it's highly likely that

you will have a tough time at work if

you want to improve your people's skills

then check out the video you see on your

screen thanks for watching and have a

wonderful day