"How We've Been Misled by 'Emotional Intelligence'" | Kris Girrell | TEDxNatick
Summary
TLDRIn this talk, the speaker explores the concept of emotional intelligence, particularly in the context of leadership. He recounts his experience creating a 'periodic table of emotions' to engage a group of highly intelligent but emotionally binary individuals. The speaker then delves into a personal journey through grief and loss, culminating in 'The Dark Night of the Soul,' a transformative period that opened him up to a deeper emotional understanding. He argues that true emotional intelligence is not just about recognizing and categorizing emotions, but about achieving emotional intimacy, which fosters genuine connection and compassion.
Takeaways
- π§ The idea of communicating through equations was introduced as an ineffective method for emotional communication, highlighting the importance of emotional cues in human interaction.
- π Emotional intelligence is crucial for leadership, but it's not innate for everyone, suggesting that it can be learned and developed.
- π The speaker's journey began with writing a book about long-term married men, which hinted at a lack of emotional tools in many individuals.
- π¬ The exploration of 'The Dark Night of the Soul', a theological concept representing a crisis of faith or meaning, was connected to emotional upheaval.
- π The pharmaceutical firm's senior R&D managers, all highly intelligent, needed to learn emotional intelligence to transition into leadership roles effectively.
- π The creation of a 'Periodic Table of Human Emotions' was a creative approach to engage emotionally binary individuals in a scientific community.
- π The speaker humorously assigned atomic weights and symbols to emotions, making the concept of emotional intelligence more accessible and less intimidating.
- π Personal experiences of grief and loss triggered the speaker's 'Dark Night of the Soul', leading to a profound emotional awakening.
- π€ Emotional intimacy, not just intelligence, is key to forming deep connections and understanding others on a profound level.
- π The speaker concludes that emotional intimacy has the power to change the world for the better, making us more compassionate and connected.
Q & A
What is the main theme of the transcript?
-The main theme of the transcript is the exploration of emotional intelligence and the importance of emotional intimacy in personal and professional relationships, emphasizing the transformative power of experiencing and understanding emotions deeply.
Why did the author create a periodic table of human emotions?
-The author created a periodic table of human emotions as a tool to facilitate a conversation about emotions with a group of senior R&D managers who were not accustomed to discussing emotions and to make the topic more approachable and engaging for them.
What is the 'Dark Night of the Soul' mentioned in the transcript?
-The 'Dark Night of the Soul' refers to a period of deep emotional and existential crisis where one's previously held beliefs and understandings no longer provide comfort or explanation for their current situation, often leading to profound personal transformation.
How does the author describe the emotional state of the R&D managers he worked with?
-The author describes the R&D managers as 'emotionally binary,' meaning they could only express their emotions in very basic terms like 'good' or 'bad,' and they were not adept at recognizing or managing more complex emotional states.
What was the author's strategy to help the R&D managers understand different emotional states?
-The author's strategy was to introduce a playful and scientific-sounding 'periodic table of human emotions' to help the R&D managers differentiate between various emotional states and to encourage them to engage in discussions about emotions.
What personal experiences did the author share that led to his own emotional awakening?
-The author shared experiences of losing his best friend, a team member's death, and the closure of an early childhood education center he was running due to lack of teachers. These events collectively triggered his 'Dark Night of the Soul,' leading to a profound emotional awakening.
How does the author define compassion in the context of the 'Dark Night of the Soul'?
-In the context of the 'Dark Night of the Soul,' the author defines compassion as the ability to suffer with and bear another person's feelings, which is born out of personal grief and emotional openness.
What is the significance of the 'hole in the chest' mentioned by the author?
-The 'hole in the chest' is a metaphor for the author's emotional vulnerability and openness that resulted from his 'Dark Night of the Soul.' It signifies a deep connection to his emotions and the empathy he gained for others.
Why does the author suggest that 'emotional intelligence' might be better described as 'emotional intimacy'?
-The author suggests that 'emotional intelligence' might be better described as 'emotional intimacy' because it's not just about recognizing and understanding emotions but also about deeply connecting with oneself and others on an emotional level.
What is the author's final message about the impact of emotional intimacy on the world?
-The author's final message is that if everyone could learn and practice emotional intimacy, the world would be a better place, and each person would become a blessing to everyone they meet.
Outlines
π§ Emotional Intelligence and Leadership
The speaker begins by humorously suggesting that if we could communicate through equations, we might be better off, reflecting on the importance of emotional intelligence (EI) in leadership. Despite the complexity of emotions, EI is crucial for effective leadership. The speaker shares his journey of exploring EI, starting with writing a book on marital longevity, researching 'The Dark Night of the Soul,' and consulting for a pharmaceutical firm's R&D managers. He faced the challenge of discussing emotions with a group of highly intelligent but emotionally binary individuals. To engage them, he created a 'Periodic Table of Human Emotions,' a playful and visual tool to facilitate conversation about different emotional states.
π The Dark Night of the Soul and Emotional Awakening
The narrative shifts to the speaker's personal experiences, which he terms as 'The Dark Night of the Soul,' a period of intense emotional turmoil. He recounts the deaths of close friends and the painful decision to close a beloved early childhood education center due to lack ofεΈθ΅. These events led to profound grief and a deep emotional breakdown, which in turn opened him up to a new level of emotional awareness. He describes the transformative power of this period, which allowed him to connect with his emotions and develop a heightened sense of compassion. The speaker suggests that such experiences, while painful, are necessary for emotional growth and understanding.
π Emotional Intimacy: The True Measure of Emotional Connection
In the final paragraph, the speaker concludes by emphasizing the importance of emotional intimacy over mere emotional intelligence. He suggests that true emotional connection comes from being intimately acquainted with one's own emotions, which then enables deeper connections with others. He shares that his studies and the creation of the 'Periodic Table of Human Emotions' were academic until he experienced his own 'Dark Night,' which provided him with a profound understanding of emotions. The speaker posits that emotional intimacy is a universal human experience that transcends differences, and by embracing it, we can enrich our relationships and become a positive force in the lives of others.
Mindmap
Keywords
π‘Emotional Intelligence
π‘Equations
π‘Emotional Toolbox
π‘The Dark Night of the Soul
π‘Periodic Table of Emotions
π‘Chemical Symbols and Atomic Weights
π‘Emotional Binary
π‘Compassion
π‘Intimacy
π‘The Dark Night of the Soul (Personal Experience)
π‘Emotional Vocabulary
Highlights
The idea that we could improve communication by speaking in equations is critiqued as it overlooks the importance of non-verbal cues in communication.
Emotional intelligence is identified as a key trait in effective leadership, but the speaker questions whether it can be learned.
The speaker's journey into understanding emotional intelligence began with three significant events that converged around the same time.
Interviews with long-term married men provided insights into the emotional toolbox, suggesting a need for better emotional understanding.
The concept of 'The Dark Night of the Soul' is introduced as a period of crisis that challenges one's understanding of the world.
The speaker's work with a pharmaceutical firm's senior R&D managers highlighted the challenges of discussing emotions with individuals who are not accustomed to such dialogue.
A creative approach was taken by developing a 'periodic table of human emotions' to facilitate discussions on emotional intelligence.
The periodic table of emotions was designed to be both technical and playful, with each emotion assigned a chemical symbol and atomic weight.
The speaker emphasizes that emotional intelligence is not just about academic discussion but requires practical application and personal experience.
Personal experiences of loss and business closure led the speaker to a profound emotional breakdown, illustrating the power of 'The Dark Night of the Soul'.
Grief is described as a catalyst for compassion, which is essential for forming deep, empathetic connections with others.
The speaker suggests that 'emotional intimacy' might be a more accurate term than 'emotional intelligence', as it emphasizes the personal connection with emotions.
The Dark Night of the Soul is portrayed as a transformative experience that can lead to a rewiring of one's emotional connections.
The speaker concludes that emotional intimacy has the potential to greatly improve the world and our interactions with others.
The talk ends with a call to action for individuals to learn and practice emotional intimacy to become a blessing to those they meet.
Transcripts
[Music]
you know we'd all be a whole lot better
if we could just learn to speak in
equations that's what a scientist once
told me once when when I was working
with him on his leadership
skills of course you you and I know how
awful that would be because most of what
we receive in communication happens
beyond the words we speak in the form of
the cues that we pick up from each other
and people who are able to pick up on
those cues are said to have emotional
intelligence research also tells us that
that great leaders are also good at
emotional
intelligence but my question is what if
you're not so good
is something that you can
learn is there something that opens up
that emotional can of worms inside and
helps us better understand what's going
on inside us and our friends and our
co-workers well about 5 years ago I
experienced a perfect storm of three
things coming together that opened this
conversation for me and I'd like to
share with you what happened in the
process the first was I had just written
a book called A married man's Survival
Guide which was based on having
interviewed a bunch of men who had been
monogamously married for 35 to 60 years
so I had a fresh set of clues that
perhaps I was not the only man around
who had a fairly skimpy emotional
toolbox the second thing was I had begun
researching a theological principle
called The Dark Night of the
Soul which is that scary place where
everything that you hold to be true in
explaining how the world
Works no longer explains your current
situation I'll get to that in a minute
the third thing was I was hired by a
pharmaceutical firm to come in and work
with their senior R&D managers on the
topic of emotional intelligence and it's
there that My Story begins now I'm sure
a lot of you watch television and you're
familiar with the The Big Bang Theory
and therefore the character of
Sheldon imagine a whole room full of
sheldons guys and they were all guys who
had been hired because of their
intelligence each of whom thought he was
the brightest in the room and then we're
promoted for those same skills and now
we're being moved into senior
leadership but the only problem is at
that level you can't lead by being the
brightest kid in the room it actually
comes across as abrasive and
arrogant but at the same time I I just
couldn't walk in and start talking to
them about emotions because it wasn't
part of the equation that any one of
them had ever
learned I was I was just a little bit uh
upset and and and curious about where to
start because most of these guys were
what I would classify as emotionally
binary that is to say they if you ask
them how they felt they'd either say
good or bad so I I was struggling with
how to come up with a way to talk to
them about emotions and the fact that
perhaps frustration wasn't the same as
anger and that managing people in
different emotional states was actually
something that required different skills
and then one day I was having lunch with
a friend of mine and he noticed that she
had a poster up on the wall of
vegetables only it was arranged in a
periodic table like that thing that we
had to remember in high school chemistry
and I thought what if there was a
periodic table of human emotions
well a quick search of the web found
nothing so I created one and it looked
like this now relax is not a quiz at the
end but if I borrowed something as
technical as melo's periodic table it
had better be as robust or it and I
would be thrown out so you'll find
things on it like the lighter emotions
are towards the top and the heavier and
more complex emotions towards the bottom
with the radioactive sequence is being
replaced by passions and depressions
which are not only heavy and complex but
highly
unstable and it also progresses from the
more visceral or gut emotions on the
left towards the more lighter and heady
and spiritual emotions on the right and
then to make it look more scientific
each emotion was given a chemical symbol
and and an atomic
weight and then I started playing with
it to make it fun because after all
these are guys
and we have to play so you'll find
things in it that you know that kind of
reflect that like for example relief is
expressed as a
prescription pleasure was
M love was given the weight of pie
because love makes the world go
round and how about gratitude
24/7 the heaviest of all the emotions
was dread it was given the estimated
weight of the world 6 * 10 24th metric
times geek
alert of course denial doesn't believe
it has any weight so none was
listed and it was fun it was fun getting
them to see those things and and having
them work through that and it
accomplished my task of getting them
involved in a conversation about
emotions but it's not emotional
intelligence at the end of the day it
was just an academic discussion but I
had to start there because after all
these are guys and forgive me for being
Politically
Incorrect but 35 years on a men's team
and doing a lot of men's work and having
written the married man's Survival Guide
I had a lot of information that we're
not all that good at Mo
emotions in fact many of us have been
taught not to
feel so you have to kind of start with
the vocabulary first but as they said at
the end of the day it was just an
academic discussion and it would remain
an academic discussion until the stuff
hits the
fan like When leaders find out that they
can't lead just because they're the
smartest kid in the room or like for you
and me when the rug gets pulled out from
underneath us and we do a total face
plant in the
mud those
humbling and often humiliating experien
es trigger The Dark Night of the
Soul it can look like
this last year in the span of just a
couple of months I experienced the death
of my best friend a a man who even after
he' moved the Florida 15 years ago he
and I had a phone call every Thursday
morning at 5:00
a.m. and he was suddenly gone and right
on the heels of that a man on my men's
team passed away he was given six to 12
months by his
doctors time to get his Affairs in order
and 5 days later he
died but those weren't The Killers the
real Crusher came when I had to decide
to Cho to to close a business that I was
running but it wasn't just a
business it was an early childhood
education center for which we couldn't
find enough teachers and that lack of
stability isn't healthy for kids so we
had to close
it I wanted to make sure that all the
children had a place to go the Monday
after we closed so we decided to outplay
them into all the other schools in the
area and and that Tuesday night of the
last week I was alone in my office
photocopying records to help with the
transition it was about 7:30 at
night I was surrounded by stacks of
yellow
shoulders when it hit
me this isn't
paper these are children that I
loved that I promised their parents that
I would defend with my
life and I started to
cry that just sniffles in watery eyes I
mean full out boohoo
tears and I couldn't
stop I cried the whole way home and I
ran into the bedroom and I buried my
head in the pillow and I just screamed
it hurt that
much and after four hours of convulsing
sobbing I fell
asleep and I woke up the next
morning like
this I look kind of much the same but
inside it was totally different I
changed I was
open there was a hole in my chest you
could have driven a m truck
through it was The Dark Night of the
soul I had read about it I had studied
it for the last five years and I just
completed my thesis on it in May but I
had no idea what it was like to be
ripped open and turned inside
out and out of that hole flowed all
kinds of emotions some that weren't even
on the
chart and driven Ren by grief that truck
full of
emotions put me in touch with
compassion you know Bren a brown says
that regret is the birthplace of empathy
and I'd parallel that and say that grief
is the birthplace of
compassion compassion literally Define
it's the ability to suffer with and to
bear with another person's
feelings because you know
compassion is the stuff of
relationships it's the glue that holds
us together when everything around us is
falling apart and it's the function of
the Dark Knight of the soul to tear down
the ego and teach us
compassion being inside out H having
compassion first for yourself allows you
to see it in other
people The Dark Knight literally rewires
and reconnects us to each other through
emotions now your Dark Knight doesn't
have to look like mine in fact I'm
pretty much guarantee that it
doesn't it can be a big bang or it can
be a hundred little things that all roll
up
but at the end of the day it's something
that opens you up and put you in touch
with your emotions and being wide open
like that allowing yourself to feel and
see the feelings in other
people when you're intimate with your
feelings you know you're completely
different the relationship
changes
being maybe we've been misguided a
little bit though by calling it
emotional intelligence when in fact it's
emotional intimacy
when you're intimate with your emotions
it doesn't matter if you're black or
white or Jewish or Muslim or old or
young or male or female the one
thing the one thing that all seven
billion of us have in common is the
capacity to feel all those
emotions and a feeling the Dark Knight
feeling might be different for you it
might be as one CEO said to me waking up
in the middle of the
night knowing that he had the lives of a
couple hundred people in his hands and
feeling not the least bit worthy of
that what could be as simple as seeing a
picture of a Syrian man in total Agony
as he holds the limp body of his
lifeless
child but here's the bottom line
line emotional intelligence isn't about
memorizing a whole bunch of words or
ascribing some arbitrary weight to them
to get their
gravity it's just the ability to connect
with another person on an intimate level
it's the ability to know what's going on
here and see it in
another and when we do
that we change the relationship totally
with all my
studies I was just another
Sheldon with knowledge about emotions
but pretty much not attached to them it
seems some of us need a perfect storm or
a dark night to get in touch with our
emotions and that kind of brings me back
to the beginning only let me paraphrase
my scientific client who wanted to speak
in equations
you
know if we could all just learn a little
bit of this this emotional intimacy
stuff the world would indeed be a whole
lot better and we would become a
blessing to each one that we
meet
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
namaste
[Music]
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