Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner | TED

Summary

In this powerful talk, the speaker shares her personal journey of surviving domestic violence, a psychological trap she calls 'crazy love.' Despite her educational background and career success, she found herself in an abusive relationship with a man who held a gun to her head multiple times. She discusses the common misconceptions about domestic violence, emphasizing that it affects people of all backgrounds and is often a hidden issue within families. The speaker details the stages of abuse, from seduction and isolation to physical violence, and stresses the danger victims face when attempting to leave. Her story serves as a call to action to break the silence around domestic violence and support survivors in finding safety and healing.

Takeaways

• 😢 The speaker reveals her personal experience of domestic violence, highlighting the psychological entrapment and physical threats she faced from her partner.
• 🎓 Despite having an Ivy League education and a successful career, the speaker was not immune to domestic violence, demonstrating that it can affect anyone regardless of background.
• 🔫 The abuser used guns as a means of control and intimidation, illustrating the extreme measures some abusers take to assert dominance.
• 🤝 The speaker initially felt she was in a dominant position in the relationship due to the abuser's idolization, which later transitioned into control and abuse.
• 🏠 The abuser manipulated the speaker into leaving her job and moving to a new location, a common tactic to isolate victims from support systems.
• 🤯 The speaker was unaware of the patterns of domestic violence, which made it difficult for her to recognize the abuse she was experiencing.
• 😣 The physical abuse began shortly before the wedding and continued throughout the marriage, showing that abuse often escalates over time.
• 🚫 Leaving an abusive relationship is extremely dangerous, with many murders occurring after the victim has left, emphasizing the complexity of the situation.
• 🗣️ The speaker's message is that breaking the silence and talking about domestic violence is crucial for raising awareness and helping victims.
• 🌟 The speaker encourages everyone to recognize the signs of abuse, intervene safely, and support survivors in rebuilding their lives.

Q & A

What is the main topic of the speech?

The main topic of the speech is the secrets of domestic violence, specifically focusing on why victims, particularly women, stay in abusive relationships.

What is the speaker's educational background?

The speaker has a B.A. in English from Harvard College and an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.

What was the speaker's secret that she reveals at the beginning of her story?

The speaker's secret was that her partner, whom she thought was her soulmate, had a gun loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at her head on multiple occasions.

What is the term the speaker uses to describe the psychological trap of domestic violence?

The speaker uses the term 'crazy love' to describe the psychological trap of domestic violence.

Why does the speaker believe domestic violence is confusing?

The speaker believes domestic violence is confusing because it happens in families, which are the last places we would expect to find violence.

What was the speaker's age when she became a victim of domestic violence?

The speaker was 22 years old when she became a victim of domestic violence.

How did the abuser, Conor, initially create an illusion of the speaker being the dominant partner?

Conor created the illusion by idolizing the speaker, showing interest in her life, and making her feel like the dominant partner through his admiration and trust.

What was the first sign of physical violence from Conor towards the speaker?

The first sign of physical violence was when Conor put his hands around the speaker's neck and squeezed so tightly that she could not breathe or scream, and repeatedly hit her head against the wall.

Why did the speaker marry Conor despite the physical attack before their wedding?

The speaker married Conor because she believed they would live happily ever after, she loved him, and he was very sorry for his actions, which she thought were an isolated incident.

What is the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence according to the speaker?

The speaker states that the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is when they attempt to leave the abuser, as over 70 percent of domestic violence murders happen after the victim has ended the relationship.

How did the speaker eventually leave the abusive relationship?

The speaker was able to leave the abusive relationship after a final, sadistic beating that broke through her denial, realizing that her life was in danger if she stayed.

What is the speaker's final request to the audience?

The speaker's final request is for the audience to break the silence by talking about domestic violence, to help other victims, and to shine a spotlight on the issue to end it.

Outlines

00:00

😨 The Secret of Domestic Violence

The speaker begins by addressing the complex issue of domestic violence, challenging the common question of why victims stay with their abusers. Despite her educational background and professional success, she reveals her own experience as a victim, highlighting the misconception that domestic violence is not prevalent among educated and affluent individuals. She emphasizes that abuse is not gender-specific and often occurs in long-term, intimate relationships. The speaker's personal narrative serves as a powerful introduction to the psychological entrapment she calls 'crazy love,' illustrating the hidden nature of abuse and its prevalence across demographics.

05:01

🔒 The Manipulation and Isolation

This section delves into the manipulative tactics used by the speaker's abuser to isolate her from her support system, including friends, family, and colleagues. The abuser, Conor, convinces her to leave her job and move to a new location, under the guise of starting a new life together. The speaker describes the gradual introduction of threats and violence, including Conor's obsession with firearms as a means to control and intimidate her. Despite the escalating abuse, she still marries him, reflecting the deep psychological hold that abusers can have on their victims and the difficulty in recognizing the reality of the situation.

10:02

😢 The Cycle of Abuse and Denial

The speaker recounts the ongoing cycle of abuse she endured, detailing the physical and psychological torment inflicted by her husband. She discusses the common misconception that victims are aware they are being abused, explaining that she believed herself to be in a loving, albeit troubled, relationship. The narrative underscores the complexity of leaving an abusive situation, as the speaker reveals the extreme danger associated with attempting to end such relationships. She emphasizes the importance of breaking the silence around domestic violence as a means of survival and support for other victims.

15:06

💪 Breaking the Silence and Ending the Abuse

In the final paragraph, the speaker shares her journey to freedom from abuse, crediting her escape to the act of speaking out and seeking help from various sources. She challenges stereotypes about victims and calls for a societal shift in perception, urging listeners to recognize the signs of abuse and to support those affected. The speaker concludes with a powerful message, imploring the audience to discuss and confront domestic violence, thereby diminishing its power and creating safer environments for all.

Keywords

💡Domestic Violence

Domestic violence refers to a pattern of abusive behaviors by one partner against another in an intimate relationship, such as physical, psychological, sexual, or economic abuse. In the video, the speaker shares her personal experience of domestic violence, illustrating how it can affect anyone regardless of their background or education level. The video emphasizes that domestic violence is not just a women's issue but occurs in families, which is often the last place one would expect to find such violence.

💡Crazy Love

Crazy love, as used in the script, describes a psychological trap where victims of domestic violence remain in abusive relationships, often due to deep emotional attachment and a sense of responsibility for the abuser. The speaker uses this term to highlight the deceptive nature of love in abusive relationships, where the victim may believe they are in a loving relationship, not recognizing the manipulation and control until it's too late.

💡Isolation

Isolation is a tactic used by abusers to control their victims by cutting them off from friends, family, and support networks. In the video, the speaker recounts how her abuser convinced her to leave her job and move to a new location, effectively isolating her and making it easier for him to exert control and abuse her without interference.

💡Hollow-point Bullets

Hollow-point bullets are a type of ammunition designed to expand upon impact, causing more damage than standard bullets. The speaker mentions these bullets to underscore the severity and real threat of violence in her relationship. The loaded gun with hollow-point bullets symbolizes the constant danger she faced, even though she was initially unaware of the extent of her partner's violent tendencies.

💡Seduction and Charm

Seduction and charm are initial tactics used by abusers to win over their victims, creating a facade of a loving and ideal relationship. The speaker explains that her abuser began by idolizing her and making her feel special, which is a common method to gain trust and establish control in the early stages of an abusive relationship.

💡Psychological Trap

A psychological trap refers to a situation where a person is manipulated into a false sense of security or love, making it difficult for them to recognize or escape an abusive relationship. The video's theme revolves around the idea that domestic violence is often a psychological trap, where victims like the speaker are led to believe they are in a loving relationship, only to later realize the manipulative and abusive nature of their partner.

💡Breaking the Silence

Breaking the silence is a call to action for victims of abuse to speak out about their experiences and for others to listen and support them. The speaker emphasizes the importance of breaking the silence as a means to end domestic violence, by bringing the issue into the open and challenging the stigma and misconceptions surrounding it.

💡Abuser

An abuser is a person who inflicts physical, emotional, or sexual harm on another person, often within the context of an intimate relationship. In the video, the term is used to describe the speaker's partner, who initially presented as a loving and supportive individual but later revealed himself as someone who used manipulation, control, and violence to dominate the relationship.

💡Victims

Victims in the context of the video are individuals who suffer from domestic violence, often feeling trapped and unable to leave their abusive partners. The speaker identifies herself as a victim and shares her journey, which includes the realization that she was in danger and the decision to seek help and break free from the abusive relationship.

💡Family Court System

The family court system is a branch of the legal system that deals with family-related issues, such as divorce, child custody, and domestic violence. The speaker mentions the family court system to highlight the challenges faced by victims of abuse, who may be forced to navigate a complex and sometimes unsupportive legal environment, particularly when it comes to child custody and visitation rights with their abusers.

💡Stalking

Stalking is the act of repeatedly following, watching, or harassing someone, often as a form of intimidation or control. In the video, the speaker discusses the long-term effects of abuse, including the possibility of stalking even after the victim has left the relationship, which underscores the ongoing threat and fear that victims of domestic violence may face.

Highlights

The speaker addresses the disturbing question of why victims of domestic violence stay with their abusers.

She shares her personal story of being in an abusive relationship despite her educational and professional achievements.

The speaker describes the psychological trap of 'crazy love' that many fall into, disguised as a loving relationship.

Domestic violence is a widespread issue affecting people of all races, religions, income, and education levels.

The misconception that domestic violence is a women's issue is challenged; it occurs in intimate, long-term relationships.

The speaker was a typical victim due to her age, as young women are more likely to be victims of domestic violence.

The initial stages of domestic violence relationships often involve seduction and charm to win over the victim.

Isolation is a tactic used by abusers to control their victims and limit their support networks.

The speaker recounts how her abuser, Conor, created an illusion of trust and adoration in the beginning of their relationship.

Conor's revelation of his own abusive past was used to manipulate the speaker and gain her sympathy.

The introduction of threats and violence is a pattern in domestic violence relationships, often starting with guns or weapons.

The speaker married Conor despite the physical abuse that occurred just days before their wedding.

The cycle of abuse continued with regular beatings and threats, yet the speaker remained in denial about the abuse.

Leaving an abusive relationship is dangerous, with many murders occurring after the victim has left the abuser.

The speaker emphasizes the importance of breaking the silence around domestic violence to help victims and prevent abuse.

By sharing her story and educating others, the speaker has become an advocate for domestic violence awareness and prevention.

The speaker calls on the audience to talk about domestic violence, to recognize its signs, and to support victims.

Transcripts

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Morton Bast

I'm here today to talk about a disturbing question,

which has an equally disturbing answer.

My topic is the secrets of domestic violence,

and the question I'm going to tackle

is the one question everyone always asks:

Why does she stay?

Why would anyone stay with a man who beats her?

I'm not a psychiatrist, a social worker

or an expert in domestic violence.

I'm just one woman with a story to tell.

I was 22. I had just graduated from Harvard College.

I had moved to New York City for my first job

as a writer and editor at Seventeen magazine.

I had my first apartment,

my first little green American Express card,

and I had a very big secret.

My secret was that I had this gun

loaded with hollow-point bullets pointed at my head

by the man who I thought was my soulmate,

many, many times.

The man who I loved more than anybody on Earth

held a gun to my head and threatened to kill me

more times than I can even remember.

I'm here to tell you the story of crazy love,

a psychological trap disguised as love,

one that millions of women and even a few men

fall into every year.

It may even be your story.

I don't look like a typical domestic violence survivor.

I have a B.A. in English from Harvard College,

an MBA in marketing from Wharton Business School.

I've spent most of my career working for Fortune 500 companies

including Johnson & Johnson, Leo Burnett and The Washington Post.

I've been married for almost 20 years to my second husband

and we have three kids together.

My dog is a black lab, and I drive a Honda Odyssey minivan.

(Laughter)

So my first message for you is that domestic violence

happens to everyone --

all races, all religions, all income and education levels.

It's everywhere.

And my second message is that everyone thinks

domestic violence happens to women,

that it's a women's issue.

Not exactly.

Over 85 percent of abusers are men, and domestic abuse

happens only in intimate, interdependent, long-term relationships,

in other words, in families,

the last place we would want or expect to find violence,

which is one reason domestic abuse is so confusing.

I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth

who would stay with a man who beats me,

but in fact I was a very typical victim because of my age.

I was 22, and in the United States,

women ages 16 to 24 are three times as likely

to be domestic violence victims

as women of other ages,

and over 500 women and girls this age

are killed every year by abusive partners,

boyfriends, and husbands in the United States.

I was also a very typical victim because I knew nothing

about domestic violence, its warning signs or its patterns.

I met Conor on a cold, rainy January night.

He sat next to me on the New York City subway,

and he started chatting me up.

He told me two things.

One was that he, too, had just graduated from an Ivy League school,

and that he worked at a very impressive Wall Street bank.

But what made the biggest impression on me that first meeting

was that he was smart and funny

and he looked like a farm boy.

He had these big cheeks, these big apple cheeks

and this wheat-blond hair,

and he seemed so sweet.

One of the smartest things Conor did, from the very beginning,

was to create the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship.

He did this especially at the beginning

by idolizing me.

We started dating, and he loved everything about me,

that I was smart, that I'd gone to Harvard,

that I was passionate about helping teenage girls, and my job.

He wanted to know everything about my family

and my childhood and my hopes and dreams.

Conor believed in me, as a writer and a woman,

in a way that no one else ever had.

And he also created a magical atmosphere of trust between us

by confessing his secret,

which was that, as a very young boy starting at age four,

he had been savagely and repeatedly physically abused

by his stepfather,

and the abuse had gotten so bad that he had had to drop out of school in eighth grade,

even though he was very smart,

and he'd spent almost 20 years rebuilding his life.

Which is why that Ivy League degree

and the Wall Street job and his bright shiny future

meant so much to him.

If you had told me

that this smart, funny, sensitive man who adored me

would one day dictate whether or not I wore makeup,

how short my skirts were,

where I lived, what jobs I took,

who my friends were and where I spent Christmas,

I would have laughed at you,

because there was not a hint of violence or control

or anger in Conor at the beginning.

I didn't know that the first stage

in any domestic violence relationship

is to seduce and charm the victim.

I also didn't know that the second step is to isolate the victim.

Now, Conor did not come home one day and announce,

"You know, hey, all this Romeo and Juliet stuff has been great,

but I need to move into the next phase

where I isolate you and I abuse you" — (Laughter) —

"so I need to get you out of this apartment

where the neighbors can hear you scream

and out of this city where you have friends and family

and coworkers who can see the bruises."

Instead, Conor came home one Friday evening

and he told me that he had quit his job that day,

his dream job,

and he said that he had quit his job because of me,

because I had made him feel so safe and loved

that he didn't need to prove himself on Wall Street anymore,

and he just wanted to get out of the city

and away from his abusive, dysfunctional family,

and move to a tiny town in New England

where he could start his life over with me by his side.

Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave New York,

and my dream job,

but I thought you made sacrifices for your soulmate,

so I agreed, and I quit my job,

and Conor and I left Manhattan together.

I had no idea I was falling into crazy love,

that I was walking headfirst into a carefully laid

physical, financial and psychological trap.

The next step in the domestic violence pattern

is to introduce the threat of violence

and see how she reacts.

And here's where those guns come in.

As soon as we moved to New England -- you know,

that place where Connor was supposed to feel so safe --

he bought three guns.

He kept one in the glove compartment of our car.

He kept one under the pillows on our bed,

and the third one he kept in his pocket at all times.

And he said that he needed those guns

because of the trauma he'd experienced as a young boy.

He needed them to feel protected.

But those guns were really a message for me,

and even though he hadn't raised a hand to me,

my life was already in grave danger every minute of every day.

Conor first physically attacked me

five days before our wedding.

It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown.

I was working on my computer trying to finish a freelance writing assignment,

and I got frustrated,

and Conor used my anger as an excuse

to put both of his hands around my neck

and to squeeze so tightly that I could not breathe or scream,

and he used the chokehold

to hit my head repeatedly against the wall.

Five days later, the ten bruises on my neck had just faded,

and I put on my mother's wedding dress,

and I married him.

Despite what had happened,

I was sure we were going to live happily ever after,

because I loved him, and he loved me so much.

And he was very, very sorry.

He had just been really stressed out by the wedding

and by becoming a family with me.

It was an isolated incident,

and he was never going to hurt me again.

It happened twice more on the honeymoon.

The first time, I was driving to find a secret beach

and I got lost,

and he punched me in the side of my head so hard

that the other side of my head repeatedly hit

the driver's side window.

And then a few days later, driving home from our honeymoon,

he got frustrated by traffic,

and he threw a cold Big Mac in my face.

Conor proceeded to beat me once or twice a week

for the next two and a half years of our marriage.

I was mistaken in thinking that I was unique

and alone in this situation.

One in three American women

experiences domestic violence or stalking at some point in her life,

and the CDC reports that 15 million children

are abused every year, 15 million.

So actually, I was in very good company.

Back to my question:

Why did I stay?

The answer is easy.

I didn't know he was abusing me.

Even though he held those loaded guns to my head,

pushed me down stairs,

threatened to kill our dog,

pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway,

poured coffee grinds on my head

as I dressed for a job interview,

I never once thought of myself as a battered wife.

Instead, I was a very strong woman

in love with a deeply troubled man,

and I was the only person on Earth

who could help Conor face his demons.

The other question everybody asks is,

why doesn't she just leave?

Why didn't I walk out? I could have left any time.

To me, this is the saddest and most painful question that people ask,

because we victims know something you usually don't:

It's incredibly dangerous to leave an abuser.

Because the final step in the domestic violence pattern

is kill her.

Over 70 percent of domestic violence murders

happen after the victim has ended the relationship,

after she's gotten out,

because then the abuser has nothing left to lose.

Other outcomes include long-term stalking,

even after the abuser remarries;

denial of financial resources;

and manipulation of the family court system

to terrify the victim and her children,

who are regularly forced by family court judges

to spend unsupervised time

with the man who beat their mother.

And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave?

I was able to leave,

because of one final, sadistic beating

that broke through my denial.

I realized that the man who I loved so much

was going to kill me if I let him.

So I broke the silence.

I told everyone:

the police, my neighbors,

my friends and family, total strangers,

and I'm here today because you all helped me.

We tend to stereotype victims

as grisly headlines,

self-destructive women, damaged goods.

The question, "Why does she stay?"

is code for some people for, "It's her fault for staying,"

as if victims intentionally choose to fall in love with men

intent upon destroying us.

But since publishing "Crazy Love,"

I have heard hundreds of stories from men and women

who also got out,

who learned an invaluable life lesson from what happened,

and who rebuilt lives -- joyous, happy lives --

as employees, wives and mothers,

lives completely free of violence, like me.

Because it turns out that I'm actually a very typical domestic violence victim

and a typical domestic violence survivor.

I remarried a kind and gentle man,

and we have those three kids.

I have that black lab, and I have that minivan.

What I will never have again,

ever,

is a loaded gun held to my head

by someone who says that he loves me.

Right now, maybe you're thinking,

"Wow, this is fascinating,"

or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"

but this whole time, I've actually been talking about you.

I promise you there are several people

listening to me right now

who are currently being abused

or who were abused as children

or who are abusers themselves.

Abuse could be affecting your daughter,

your sister, your best friend right now.

I was able to end my own crazy love story

by breaking the silence.

I'm still breaking the silence today.

It's my way of helping other victims,

and it's my final request of you.

Talk about what you heard here.

Abuse thrives only in silence.

You have the power to end domestic violence

simply by shining a spotlight on it.

We victims need everyone.

We need every one of you to understand

the secrets of domestic violence.

Show abuse the light of day by talking about it

with your children, your coworkers,

your friends and family.

Recast survivors as wonderful, lovable people

with full futures.

Recognize the early signs of violence

and conscientiously intervene,

deescalate it, show victims a safe way out.

Together we can make our beds,

our dinner tables and our families

the safe and peaceful oases they should be.

Thank you.

(Applause)