Never Split The Difference | Chris Voss | TEDxUniversityofNevada

Summary

Former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss shares insights from his book 'Never Split the Difference,' illustrating how tactical empathy can resolve conflicts in everyday life, not just high-stakes situations. He debunks myths about negotiators and emphasizes the importance of reputation and integrity. Voss demonstrates how understanding and addressing the perspective of others, even adversaries, can transform relationships and outcomes, using humor and real-life examples to highlight the power of this skill.

Takeaways

• 😀 The speaker was an FBI hostage negotiator, highlighting the complexity and human aspect of the job.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The speaker's mother is a no-nonsense, hard-working Midwestern mom, setting a foundation for the speaker's values.
• 🤝 A key difference between the speaker's mom and a terrorist is the ability to negotiate with the latter, emphasizing the art of negotiation.
• 🚫 The speaker dispels myths about hostage negotiators, clarifying that they don't 'split the difference' and must maintain integrity with 'repeat customers'.
• 📞 A humorous anecdote about a negotiator being told they're not doing a good job by a criminal highlights the reality of dealing with difficult personalities.
• 🤝 The importance of establishing rapport in negotiation is underscored by the speaker's experiences and the impact of using a person's name.
• 📚 The speaker wrote a book, 'Never Split The Difference', applying hostage negotiation tactics to everyday life, showing the broad applicability of these skills.
• 🧠 The concept of 'tactical empathy' is introduced, defined as understanding and calmly reflecting another's perspective, even if it's an adversary.
• 🔬 The script discusses the universal human nature and the limbic system, the biological basis for empathy and negotiation tactics.
• 💡 A tip about human nature is shared: everyone has one way of telling the truth and several ways of lying, which is key to detecting deception.
• 🔍 The identification of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as a 9/11 mastermind through human nature truth-telling illustrates the effectiveness of these skills beyond traditional negotiation contexts.
• 🎓 The speaker's experience at Harvard Law School reinforces the definition and importance of empathy in negotiation, aligning with FBI practices.
• 🤔 A humorous mistake made by the speaker in misremembering 'Descartes' as 'Dick Hart' lightens the mood and shows the human side of even experts.
• 👥 The transformative power of tactical empathy is demonstrated through a story of resolving family conflict and improving relationships.

Q & A

What is the speaker's background before becoming an FBI hostage negotiator?

The speaker grew up in a small town in Iowa and had a mother who was a loving, no-nonsense, hard-working Midwestern mom.

What is the main difference between the speaker's mother and a terrorist according to the speaker?

The main difference is that you can negotiate with a terrorist, whereas the speaker's mother says what she means and doesn't negotiate.

What is a common myth about hostage negotiators that the speaker wants to dispel?

The myth is that hostage negotiators can say anything to get their way because the negotiations are one-off. The speaker emphasizes that they have repeat customers and maintain integrity and reputation.

What is the significance of the phrase 'Never split the difference' in the context of the speaker's work?

The phrase 'Never split the difference' refers to the FBI's hostage negotiation program's belief that you should not compromise with criminals, especially when they have hostages and are demanding unreasonable things.

What is an example of a situation where the speaker had to apply hostage negotiation skills in a social setting?

The speaker and other negotiators entered a bar where a man threatened to fight anyone who tried to sit next to him. The speaker used his negotiation skills to de-escalate the situation and find out the man's problems.

What is the book the speaker wrote about applying hostage negotiation skills to everyday life?

The speaker wrote a book titled 'Never Split the Difference' with Tal Roz and Brandon Blos, which discusses how to apply tactical empathy from hostage negotiation to everyday encounters with difficult people.

What is tactical empathy and why does it work?

Tactical empathy is taking an inventory of the perspective of the person you're talking to, especially the parts that you don't like, and calmly describing it back to them without denial or disagreement. It works because it appeals to our human nature and the limbic system in our brains.

How does the speaker describe the human nature aspect of truth-telling?

The speaker explains that everyone has one way they tell the truth and five to seven different ways they might lie. This is the basis on which polygraph tests work and how certain truths can be identified.

What is the story about Khalid Sheikh Mohammed that the speaker shares?

The story is about how two of the speaker's colleagues identified Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as the mastermind of 9/11 by using a polygraph technique to detect his truthful response when presented with a photograph.

What is the connection between the speaker's experience at Harvard Law School and the concept of tactical empathy?

At Harvard Law School, the speaker found that their definition of empathy matched the FBI's, focusing on understanding the needs and perspectives of counterparts without necessarily agreeing. This reinforced the concept of tactical empathy.

What is the book 'The Car Seat' that the speaker mentions, and what is its significance?

The book 'The Car Seat' is a mispronunciation of 'Descartes' by the speaker. It represents the idea that emotions are intertwined in all of our decisions, making decision-making an emotional process.