Never Split The Difference | Chris Voss | TEDxUniversityofNevada

Summary

Former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss shares insights from his book 'Never Split the Difference,' illustrating how tactical empathy can resolve conflicts in everyday life, not just high-stakes situations. He debunks myths about negotiators and emphasizes the importance of reputation and integrity. Voss demonstrates how understanding and addressing the perspective of others, even adversaries, can transform relationships and outcomes, using humor and real-life examples to highlight the power of this skill.

Takeaways

• 😀 The speaker was an FBI hostage negotiator, highlighting the complexity and human aspect of the job.
• 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 The speaker's mother is a no-nonsense, hard-working Midwestern mom, setting a foundation for the speaker's values.
• 🤝 A key difference between the speaker's mom and a terrorist is the ability to negotiate with the latter, emphasizing the art of negotiation.
• 🚫 The speaker dispels myths about hostage negotiators, clarifying that they don't 'split the difference' and must maintain integrity with 'repeat customers'.
• 📞 A humorous anecdote about a negotiator being told they're not doing a good job by a criminal highlights the reality of dealing with difficult personalities.
• 🤝 The importance of establishing rapport in negotiation is underscored by the speaker's experiences and the impact of using a person's name.
• 📚 The speaker wrote a book, 'Never Split The Difference', applying hostage negotiation tactics to everyday life, showing the broad applicability of these skills.
• 🧠 The concept of 'tactical empathy' is introduced, defined as understanding and calmly reflecting another's perspective, even if it's an adversary.
• 🔬 The script discusses the universal human nature and the limbic system, the biological basis for empathy and negotiation tactics.
• 💡 A tip about human nature is shared: everyone has one way of telling the truth and several ways of lying, which is key to detecting deception.
• 🔍 The identification of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as a 9/11 mastermind through human nature truth-telling illustrates the effectiveness of these skills beyond traditional negotiation contexts.
• 🎓 The speaker's experience at Harvard Law School reinforces the definition and importance of empathy in negotiation, aligning with FBI practices.
• 🤔 A humorous mistake made by the speaker in misremembering 'Descartes' as 'Dick Hart' lightens the mood and shows the human side of even experts.
• 👥 The transformative power of tactical empathy is demonstrated through a story of resolving family conflict and improving relationships.

Q & A

What is the speaker's background before becoming an FBI hostage negotiator?

The speaker grew up in a small town in Iowa and had a mother who was a loving, no-nonsense, hard-working Midwestern mom.

What is the main difference between the speaker's mother and a terrorist according to the speaker?

The main difference is that you can negotiate with a terrorist, whereas the speaker's mother says what she means and doesn't negotiate.

What is a common myth about hostage negotiators that the speaker wants to dispel?

The myth is that hostage negotiators can say anything to get their way because the negotiations are one-off. The speaker emphasizes that they have repeat customers and maintain integrity and reputation.

What is the significance of the phrase 'Never split the difference' in the context of the speaker's work?

The phrase 'Never split the difference' refers to the FBI's hostage negotiation program's belief that you should not compromise with criminals, especially when they have hostages and are demanding unreasonable things.

What is an example of a situation where the speaker had to apply hostage negotiation skills in a social setting?

The speaker and other negotiators entered a bar where a man threatened to fight anyone who tried to sit next to him. The speaker used his negotiation skills to de-escalate the situation and find out the man's problems.

What is the book the speaker wrote about applying hostage negotiation skills to everyday life?

The speaker wrote a book titled 'Never Split the Difference' with Tal Roz and Brandon Blos, which discusses how to apply tactical empathy from hostage negotiation to everyday encounters with difficult people.

What is tactical empathy and why does it work?

Tactical empathy is taking an inventory of the perspective of the person you're talking to, especially the parts that you don't like, and calmly describing it back to them without denial or disagreement. It works because it appeals to our human nature and the limbic system in our brains.

How does the speaker describe the human nature aspect of truth-telling?

The speaker explains that everyone has one way they tell the truth and five to seven different ways they might lie. This is the basis on which polygraph tests work and how certain truths can be identified.

What is the story about Khalid Sheikh Mohammed that the speaker shares?

The story is about how two of the speaker's colleagues identified Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as the mastermind of 9/11 by using a polygraph technique to detect his truthful response when presented with a photograph.

What is the connection between the speaker's experience at Harvard Law School and the concept of tactical empathy?

At Harvard Law School, the speaker found that their definition of empathy matched the FBI's, focusing on understanding the needs and perspectives of counterparts without necessarily agreeing. This reinforced the concept of tactical empathy.

What is the book 'The Car Seat' that the speaker mentions, and what is its significance?

The book 'The Car Seat' is a mispronunciation of 'Descartes' by the speaker. It represents the idea that emotions are intertwined in all of our decisions, making decision-making an emotional process.

Outlines

00:00

🕵️‍♂️ From FBI Negotiator to Life Lessons

The speaker, a former FBI hostage negotiator, humorously reflects on their career, highlighting the surprising similarities between their mother and a terrorist in terms of negotiation tactics. They dispel myths about the job, emphasizing the importance of reputation and integrity in dealing with repeat offenders. A memorable anecdote involves a tense bar encounter with a troubled Vietnam vet, illustrating the power of personal connection in conflict resolution. The speaker's transition to writing a book on applying negotiation techniques to everyday life situations is also mentioned.

05:01

🧠 Tactical Empathy and Human Nature

The speaker delves into the concept of 'tactical empathy,' defining it as understanding and articulating the perspective of others, even adversaries, without necessarily agreeing. They explain the universal human nature that underpins this approach, referencing the limbic system as a common neurological basis. The speaker also discusses the consistency of truth-telling versus the variability of lying, using the identification of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as an example. They connect this to the academic perspective on empathy from both the FBI and Harvard, and the emotional basis of decision-making.

10:03

🤝 Transformative Power of Tactical Empathy

In the final paragraph, the speaker shares a personal story of applying tactical empathy in a family setting, demonstrating its effectiveness beyond professional scenarios. They recount how a family member used the skill to defuse a confrontation with a distressed sibling, leading to a heartfelt apology. The speaker concludes by advocating for the broader application of tactical empathy, urging the audience to embrace it in all interactions to transform adversaries into loved ones.

Keywords

💡Hostage Negotiator

A hostage negotiator is a professional trained in psychological tactics and communication skills to resolve crisis situations involving hostages. In the video, the speaker's experience as an FBI hostage negotiator is central to the theme, illustrating how negotiation skills are not just for high-stakes scenarios but can be applied to everyday life. The speaker uses anecdotes from their career to highlight the importance of empathy and communication in resolving conflicts.

💡Tactical Empathy

Tactical empathy, as discussed in the video, refers to the strategic use of understanding another person's perspective to influence outcomes, especially in negotiations. It involves acknowledging and describing the other party's feelings or viewpoints without necessarily agreeing with them. The video emphasizes how this skill, honed by the speaker during their time as a negotiator, can be transformative in various aspects of life, from personal relationships to business dealings.

💡Never Split the Difference

This phrase is the title of the book written by the speaker, co-authored with Tal Raz, and it encapsulates a key principle in negotiation: maintaining one's position without compromising on core values or demands. The video explains that this approach is not about being inflexible but about understanding the other party's needs and finding a solution that satisfies all parties without resorting to splitting differences in a way that feels like a loss.

💡Limbic System

The limbic system is a set of brain structures associated with emotions, survival instincts, and memory. In the video, the speaker mentions the limbic system to explain the universal human nature that underpins the effectiveness of negotiation tactics. It suggests that because all humans possess this system, the same negotiation strategies can work across different cultures and situations, as emotions and reactions are fundamentally similar.

💡Repeat Customers

In the context of the video, 'repeat customers' humorously refers to the idea that hostage negotiators may encounter the same individuals in multiple crisis situations due to the cyclical nature of some criminal behaviors. This term underscores the importance of building a reputation for integrity and trustworthiness in negotiations, as the speaker points out that negotiators cannot rely on one-time tactics but must consider long-term relationships.

💡Polygraph

A polygraph, or lie detector, is a device used to measure physiological responses to determine if someone is being truthful. The video describes how a polygraph works by establishing a 'baseline' of truthful responses to control questions and then comparing these to responses to more critical questions. This concept is used to illustrate the idea that everyone has a unique way of telling the truth, which can be identified and leveraged in negotiations.

💡Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is mentioned as the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks. In the video, the speaker recounts how their colleagues used negotiation and human nature insights to identify him, even when he was not initially suspected by the broader US government. This example highlights the importance of deep understanding and observation in uncovering the truth during negotiations.

💡Harvard Law School's Negotiation Course

The Harvard Law School's negotiation course is referenced to emphasize the academic and theoretical underpinnings of the negotiation strategies discussed. The video mentions that both the FBI and Harvard share similar definitions of empathy, indicating a convergence of practical and academic approaches to negotiation and conflict resolution.

💡Descartes' Error

Descartes' Error is a book by Antonio Damasio that the speaker mistakenly refers to as 'dick heart' due to a humorous misinterpretation. The book discusses the role of emotions in decision-making, which aligns with the video's theme of the importance of understanding emotions in negotiation. The speaker's anecdote about this book serves as a light-hearted moment while also reinforcing the video's message about the significance of emotional intelligence.

💡Truth-Telling Baseline

The concept of a 'truth-telling baseline' is introduced in the context of polygraph tests and is extended to negotiations. It refers to the establishment of a standard or norm from which deviations can be measured. In negotiations, understanding a person's baseline behavior can help in discerning when they are being truthful or deceptive, which is a critical skill for negotiators.

Highlights

The speaker was an FBI hostage negotiator, emphasizing the importance of negotiation skills even in high-stakes, life-threatening situations.

A humorous comparison is made between the speaker's mother and a terrorist, highlighting the negotiability of the latter.

Dispelling myths about hostage negotiators, the speaker clarifies that they do not 'split the difference' and have a reputation to uphold.

The concept of 'repeat customers' in hostage negotiation is introduced, indicating the importance of integrity and reputation in negotiations.

A personal anecdote about a tense bar encounter demonstrates the power of establishing rapport and tactical empathy.

The speaker's transition from the FBI to writing a book, 'Never Split the Difference', is discussed as an application of negotiation techniques in everyday life.

Tactical empathy is defined as understanding and describing the perspective of others, even adversaries, without denial or disagreement.

The role of the limbic system in human nature and its relevance to negotiation tactics is explained.

A unique insight is shared about how everyone has one way of telling the truth and multiple ways of lying, which can be utilized in negotiations.

The identification of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as a 9/11 mastermind through a polygraph test is recounted, illustrating the power of truth-telling patterns.

The speaker's experience at Harvard Law School's negotiation course and the shared definition of empathy between Harvard and the FBI is highlighted.

The importance of emotions in decision-making, as discussed in the book 'Descartes' Error', is noted as a foundational aspect of human nature.

A humorous anecdote about the speaker's initial confusion with the philosopher Descartes, misheard as 'Dick Hart', lightens the mood.

A story is shared about a successful tech sector professional using tactical empathy to navigate a family conflict, demonstrating the skill's broad applicability.

The transformative power of tactical empathy is emphasized, encouraging its use beyond professional settings to improve personal relationships.

The speaker concludes with a call to action to apply tactical empathy in all interactions, not just with adversaries, to foster better connections.

Transcripts

[Music]

I was an FBI hostage negotiator it

sounds like a cry for help doesn't it

there were more people working in a

federal building I worked in in New York

City than a small town in Iowa I grew up

in my mom is still trying to figure out

how all that happened my mom by the way

is a loving no-nonsense hard-working

Midwestern mom who says what she means

you know what the difference between

that kind of mom and a terrorist is you

can negotiate with a terrorist

you see they're as similar experiences

out there when you're an FBI hostage

negotiator you deal with the mad the

badness sad to quote Tom strands to

Godfather the FBI's hostage negotiation

program that means you believe you never

split the difference how you supposed to

split the difference with some bad guy

who's got four hostages he wants a jet

to Cuba in a million dollars you say all

right we'll take two hostages we'll give

you a helicopter to New Jersey and you

take an uber from there of course not

one of the myth I'd like to dispel about

hostage negotiators as well it said we

can say whatever we want to get our way

because these are one-off negotiations

and we're never gonna see the bad guy

again

well hostage negotiators have repeat

customers it was a siege in a major city

in the u.s. the bad guy was on a run for

ten days after having murdered four

people they finally get him cornered

he's got two hostages then Yoshida gets

on the phone with them the negotiators

little excited and the bad guy literally

says to him on the phone

you're not doing a good job you're

supposed to be establishing rapport with

me he'd been barricaded before if the

negotiator before woulda lied to him I

said what he had to say to get him out

of there lives have been lost on down

the line so we have repeat customers we

believe in reputation we have integrity

so

one night I welcome to bar with three

other hostage negotiators now I realize

that sounds like a joke for hostage to

go shooters walk into a bar and they

don't pay for anything but this actually

happened the four of us walked into the

bar and a place is packed it is jumping

and I walker I look around I see a seat

empty at the bar and I go over you're

ready to sit down it and then a guy

sitting next to the seat says don't even

think about it now I'm a hostage

negotiator I'm gonna talk to this guy so

I say why is that

he says cuz I'll kick your ass I say I'm

gonna need that I'm Chris and I hold out

my hand the other negotiators listen we

swoop in and they put the arms round and

say hey how you doing let us talk to you

you know what's going on let's see

what's going on we find out this guy's a

former Vietnam vet his life is in a

shambles it's a mess

no job no girlfriend he's out he

perceives the world of celebrating and

happy and he's miserable and that's why

the seats empty you know everybody tried

to sit down area offered to fight him

now I know from hostage negotiation

forget the hostage takers to use the

hostages name it makes it much much

harder for them to hurt

well I'm some nameless guy he's ready to

hit me soon as I become Chris everything

changes now how was I supposed to split

the difference with that guy anyway sit

on his lap sit under the chair alright

so what do you do if you're armed with

this tactical empathy from hostage

negotiation after you leave the FBI and

you're looking for gainful employment

how do you find a real job now you write

a book

I wrote the book never split the

difference with tall Roz and Brandon

bloss about applying the tactical

empathy from hostage negotiation to the

bullies and the liars who encounter

everyday to the bad the bad the sad we

run into in our jobs and our social

interactions that a family gathering at

the breakfast table

I saw meme recently I thought it was

really fun and said you know this parent

thing is really wearing me out I think

I'll try something less stressful like

being a hostage negotiator

Nicole empathy weapons-grade empathy did

you ever imagine hearing those two words

combined in the same sentence it never

split the difference we defined tactical

empathy is simply taking an inventory of

the perspective of the person you're

talking to to the adverse of the

adversary of the counterpart especially

the parts that we don't like and then

telling them what it is describing it

back to them calmly no denials no

disagreements calmly a tactical empathy

works because we all possess this human

nature wire it works on a human nature

level we've got something in our brains

called the limbic system everybody has

its components to the brain it doesn't

matter what your gender your ethnicity

or where you grew up you have a limbic

system and you everyone has that that's

the reason every hostage negotiation

team in the world Baghdad to Bogota to

Boston uses the same skills because the

human nature wiring that we all possess

now that's its shortcoming it only works

with people so I'll give you another

human nature secret insider's tip we all

have one way we tell the truth one way

we might lie five to seven different

ways but you've got one way you tell the

truth and that's the way a polygraph

works and way Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was

identified by two colleagues of mine as

a mastermind of 9/11 now the way a

polygraph works is you come inside they

sit you down they hook

- this machine they put all these wires

and these gauges on you and they ask you

a series of control questions - lay down

your one way of telling the truth you

know what day is it where are you what's

your name

what'd you have for breakfast they get

your baseline for truth-telling then

they ask you the hard questions the dog

really eat your homework we're really in

a bathroom when a fight broke out it

doesn't matter which of the many ways

you might come out of your truth telling

the only thing that matters is that you

came out of the truth-telling baseline

now a few months after 9/11 a secret

government agency had a terrorist in

custody in a secret location outside the

United States a terrace was badly

wounded and they were worried that he

was going to die and they needed to get

somebody in to interview him that knew

knew the substance of the case and two

colleagues of mine were the only ones

close by and the reason why they were

where this guy was gonna die move on to

the next life was the only reason that

they're gonna live let my colleagues

come and let FBI agents come in and talk

to him so they get together and I say

they've got a picture of the person they

know to be the organizer of 9/11 but the

pictures not good enough for them to be

able to tell exactly who it is so they

say we just talked to this guy long

enough till he knows we know what he

looks like when he tells the truth and

then we lay the picture on him see what

he says so he talked on the show him a

pitch and they say who is this and he

looks at me says you know who it is and

I don't know we don't it's why we're

asking

he says it's Ramsay's uncle Ramsay the

Ramsay he's talking about is ramzi

yousef who's in American prison doing

life and he's a mastermind of the first

World Trade Center attack back in

nineteen nineteen ninety-three Khalid

Sheikh Mohammed is his uncle in fact the

organizer of the 9/11 attack and the

interesting part about this at the time

as most of the US government doesn't

think Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is involved

with Al Qaeda at all let alone

organising the attack and that's how he

was identified with that human nature

truth now what's the point the point is

that even terrorists are humans and

their human nature rules that apply to

all of us all situations so several

years ago while I'm still with the FBI

I'm

at Harvard Law School's negotiation

course and I'm going to their

negotiation course because Harvard and

the FBI have the same definition of

empathy Bob manukan the head of their

program on negotiation says empathy is

just describing and demonstrating and

understanding the needs interest in

perspective of your counterpart without

necessarily agreeing and it goes on to

say it's not about liking or sympathy in

any way and I'm thinking I get behind

that how am I supposed to like a

terrorist's this is perfect in summon

substance the FBI on one hand and

Harvard on the other have the same

definition of empathy so while I'm up

there I'm looking for some more academic

scientific evidence that backs aside the

up of universal human nature wiring and

one of the brilliant instructors up

there Sheila Hien talks about a book

called the carts air and it's a study

and scientific proof that emotions are

intertwined in all of our decisions we

make our decisions based on what we care

about which makes decision-making by

definition of emotional process and I'm

thinking perfect Eureka's is exactly

what I'm looking for the only problem is

I have never heard of the philosopher

named Descartes so I write down dick

Hart D I seek a DI ck HEA RT dick Hart

and I go home and I google dick heart

and I can't find him anywhere

I'm thinking I don't know why she was so

pressed with this guy nobody ever heard

of dick hearts error is that he needs a

PR person so people know who that is

eventually though I do figure it out

I'll a story a friend a colleague a

client uses a transformative skill of

tactical empathy to cut million-dollar

deals in a tech sector he's enormous ly

successful he's at a family gathering

his youngest sisters had too much to

drink now his younger sister is a

primary caregiver of the dying father

and a stress on her is enormous and he's

seen her before these types of

gatherings lash out at other people when

she starts in on him

and he realizes now it's his turn he

sent me an email that said I just wanted

to make her feel heard and to not

dispute a thing that she said it went on

for an hour

the next day she sends him an email that

says yesterday I attacked you and he

showed me nothing but love thank you for

being my big brother ladies and

gentlemen the bad the madness a door

everywhere they're us

don't let just Terrace and bank robbers

be the beneficiary of this

transformative skill he's tactical

empathy and the people you talk to you

your adversaries time and the

counterparts turn them into loved ones

and never split the difference thank you

[Applause]