10 Struggles of Being the Borderline's Favourite Person

Summary

Therapist Lise Leblanc discusses the complex role of being a 'favorite person' to someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD). She outlines ten key aspects, including intense dependency, obsession, fear of abandonment, and the emotional turmoil it can cause. Leblanc emphasizes the importance of maintaining boundaries and understanding BPD's impact on relationships, highlighting the challenges and the need for professional support.

Takeaways

• 🤔 Being a 'favorite person' for someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) involves a heavy reliance on them for emotional regulation and self-identity.
• 🔒 The person with BPD may become obsessive, needing to know the favorite person's every move and feeling threatened by any perceived lack of attention or time spent with others.
• 😨 The fear of rejection and abandonment is a major issue for those with BPD, leading to constant vigilance for signs of disinterest or departure from the relationship.
• 🚫 'No win' situations frequently arise, where the favorite person's actions can trigger intense reactions from the BPD individual, regardless of their intentions.
• 😡 Extreme jealousy is common, as the BPD individual may view all other relationships as threats, leading to potential isolation for the favorite person.
• 🖤 'Splitting' is a characteristic of BPD where the favorite person is either idealized or devalued based on the BPD individual's perception of their actions.
• 😔 Feelings of guilt and failure may plague the favorite person as they struggle to meet the intense emotional needs of the BPD individual.
• 🤬 Resentment can build as the favorite person is increasingly expected to prioritize the BPD individual's needs above their own, leading to a sense of imbalance in the relationship.
• 😨 Fear and anxiety may be experienced by the favorite person, particularly if the BPD individual exhibits self-harm or suicidal tendencies, adding to the emotional burden.
• 💔 The relationship may end with the BPD individual either discarding the favorite person or the favorite person feeling the need to leave due to the overwhelming nature of the relationship.
• 🚷 Maintaining boundaries is crucial for the favorite person to avoid being drawn into a never-ending cycle of dependency and emotional turmoil.

Q & A

What is the phenomenon known as a 'favorite person' in the context of someone with borderline personality disorder (BPD)?

The 'favorite person' phenomenon refers to a situation where a person with BPD heavily relies on one specific individual for emotional stability and a sense of self, to the point where they can't cope without that person's constant reassurance and support.

Who can become a 'favorite person' for someone with BPD?

A 'favorite person' can be a romantic partner, a close friend, a therapist, or even a family member.

Why does the dependency of a person with BPD on their 'favorite person' tend to intensify over time?

The dependency intensifies because the person with BPD perceives the 'favorite person' as their be-all and end-all, and they struggle to function without the constant support and reassurance from this individual.

What is the main symptom that flares up and causes major problems in the relationship with a 'favorite person'?

The main symptom causing problems is the fear of rejection and abandonment, which leads to constant vigilance for signs of disinterest or potential departure from the relationship.

Why do 'no win situations' occur for the 'favorite person'?

'No win situations' occur because the 'favorite person' is often caught between the need to reassure the person with BPD and the need to maintain their own life and relationships, which can trigger the BPD individual's insecurities and emotional distress.

How does extreme jealousy manifest in the relationship with a 'favorite person'?

Extreme jealousy manifests as the person with BPD perceiving every relationship the 'favorite person' has as a threat, which can lead to feelings of isolation for the 'favorite person' as they may start avoiding others to prevent triggering the BPD individual's jealousy.

What is 'splitting' in the context of BPD, and how does it affect the 'favorite person'?

'Splitting' refers to the BPD individual's tendency to see things in black and white, where any misstep by the 'favorite person' can lead to intense rumination and devaluation, causing the 'favorite person' to feel they can never meet the unrealistic standards set by the person with BPD.

Why do 'favorite persons' often feel guilty and like a failure?

They feel guilty and like a failure because they may not be able to meet the needs of the person with BPD, and the BPD individual may blame them for their emotional dysregulation and outbursts, leading to a sense of responsibility and exhaustion.

What is the impact of being a 'favorite person' on one's own sense of stability and well-being?

Being a 'favorite person' can lead to resentment, as the individual may feel overwhelmed by the demands and responsibilities of stabilizing the person with BPD, which can cost them their own stability and well-being.

How does the fear experienced by the 'favorite person' differ from other relationships?

The fear is more intense due to the emotional dependence and potential self-harm or suicidal behavior of the person with BPD, which can lead to an overwhelming sense of responsibility and fear for the BPD individual's well-being.

What happens when the relationship between a person with BPD and their 'favorite person' ends?

The person with BPD may experience intense grief and desperation, comparable to the death of a loved one, and may make extreme efforts to prevent the 'favorite person' from leaving or to get them to recommit to the relationship.

Why is it important for the 'favorite person' to maintain strong boundaries with the person with BPD?

Maintaining strong boundaries is crucial to prevent falling into an unhealthy cycle of dependency and to protect the 'favorite person's' own well-being, as the person with BPD may not respect boundaries and take advantage if they are not firmly established.

What should the 'favorite person' understand about the person with BPD's behavior and the illness?

The 'favorite person' should understand that the person with BPD's behavior is part of their illness, and they are not intentionally wrong or bad. It's important to adjust expectations and recognize that change is unlikely without professional support over time.