Borderline Thinking | 10 Borderline Behaviors and the Thoughts that Cause Them

Summary

In this video, Dr. Grande explores the cognitive underpinnings of borderline personality disorder (BPD) by examining ten behaviors commonly associated with it and the distorted thoughts that drive them. The discussion contrasts BPD with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), highlighting the lack of insight and the role of beliefs and stress in shaping thoughts and behaviors. The video aims to provide insight into the disorder and foster understanding through the lens of cognitive behavioral therapy.

Takeaways

• 🧠 Beliefs and thoughts significantly influence behaviors associated with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), which is a core principle in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
• 🔄 The cycle of beliefs, stress, thoughts, and behaviors is a key focus in understanding and treating BPD, aiming to identify and change harmful thought patterns.
• 🤔 Individuals with BPD often lack insight into their behaviors, which can be distorted and counterproductive, similar to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but without the deceitful traits.
• ❤️‍🔥 Idealization and devaluation of romantic partners are common behaviors in BPD, driven by thoughts of extreme love or hate, reflecting a love-hate cycle.
• 🚫 After a breakup, individuals with BPD may refuse to move on romantically, holding onto the hope that their partner will return, indicating a profound lack of insight.
• 🤯 Attacks on romantic rivals can occur in BPD, stemming from the belief that the rival is the cause of the relationship's issues and a misguided attempt to prove the intensity of their love.
• 📵 Excessive communication, especially texting, is a way for those with BPD to avoid feelings of abandonment and to reassure their partners of their love and interest.
• 🔁 Affective instability in BPD is often interpreted as the truth, with individuals believing their feelings are justified and indicative of reality.
• 💢 Anger in BPD can be a way to involve others in one's suffering, to make others understand one's pain, or as a form of revenge for perceived hatred from others.
• 🔕 Counter-attacking after criticism in BPD can stem from a sense of entitlement, fear of shame, or a desperate need to maintain communication, even if it's negative.

Q & A

What is the core principle of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as it relates to behaviors and thoughts?

The core principle of CBT is that beliefs combined with stress lead to thoughts, and these thoughts then lead to behaviors. Identifying and changing these underlying beliefs and thoughts can help alter behaviors.

How does the script differentiate between Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?

The script differentiates BPD and NPD by highlighting that while both disorders show a lack of insight, NPD is associated with deception, which is not a characteristic of BPD.

What is the significance of the love-hate cycle in BPD as discussed in the script?

The love-hate cycle in BPD is significant as it reflects the rapid and extreme shifts in emotions and perceptions towards a romantic partner, often leading to idealization and devaluation.

Why does the wife with BPD decline a date with a new love interest after a breakup, as described in the script?

The wife with BPD declines a date because she holds onto the hope that her original husband will return, indicating a belief in the destiny of their relationship despite the reality of the breakup.

What thought processes are behind the behavior of attacking a romantic rival in the context of BPD?

In BPD, attacking a romantic rival is driven by thoughts such as blaming the rival for the partner's departure, proving the intensity of love through violent actions, and a sense of entitlement that others should not interfere with what is perceived as true love.

How does the script explain the excessive communication behavior in BPD as a way to avoid abandonment?

The script explains that excessive communication in BPD is an attempt to reassure the partner of one's love and to prevent the perception of lost interest, stemming from a deep fear of rejection and abandonment.

What are the thoughts behind impulsive self-harm behavior in a person with BPD, particularly after a breakup?

Impulsive self-harm in BPD is driven by thoughts such as the belief that causing harm to oneself will make the partner understand the impact of their actions, teaching others to take one's demands seriously, and proving the depth of one's love.

How does the script connect affective instability in BPD to the individual's interpretation of their own emotions?

The script connects affective instability in BPD to the individual's belief that their feelings are always truthful and justified, reflecting a lack of ability to regulate emotions and a tendency to act on intense emotional states.

What are the typical thoughts that lead to anger in individuals with BPD, according to the script?

In BPD, anger is often a result of thoughts such as feeling hurt and seeking to blame others, wanting others to suffer to understand one's own pain, and a sense of revenge for perceived hatred from others.

How does the script describe the counter-attacking behavior after being criticized in the context of BPD?

The script describes counter-attacking after criticism in BPD as stemming from thoughts of feeling entitled to not be criticized due to the belief in a destined relationship, a need to strike back due to the pain of shame, and a desire to maintain communication even through conflict.

What thoughts might lead to stalking behavior after being rejected in BPD as discussed in the script?

Stalking behavior in BPD after rejection can be driven by thoughts of feeling entitled to not be rejected, a belief in the necessity of the relationship for one's existence, and a sense of powerful love that is meant to be reciprocated.

Outlines

00:00

🧠 Understanding BPD Behaviors and Thoughts

This paragraph introduces the video's focus on exploring borderline personality disorder (BPD) through the lens of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). It emphasizes the importance of identifying underlying beliefs and thoughts that drive behaviors associated with BPD. The video aims to decode ten specific behaviors and the thoughts that cause them, providing insight into how distorted thinking can lead to disordered behavior. The comparison with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) highlights the lack of insight common in both disorders, but with different characteristics, such as deception being absent in BPD. The paragraph sets the stage for a detailed analysis of how thoughts and beliefs can manifest in behaviors, both intentionally and unintentionally, with significant consequences for the individual and those around them.

05:02

🔄 Idealization and Devaluation in BPD Relationships

Paragraph two delves into the cyclical nature of idealization and devaluation often seen in BPD-affected relationships. It discusses how individuals with BPD can rapidly shift from viewing their romantic partners as perfect to seeing them as the worst person in the world. The thoughts driving these behaviors are explored, including the belief that the partner is the 'one true love' and the source of happiness, to the suspicion of being unlovable and the need to direct rage outwards. The paragraph also contrasts these thoughts with those from dependent personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder, illustrating how similar behaviors can stem from different underlying motivations.

10:04

🚫 Avoiding New Relationships and Attacking Rivals in BPD

This paragraph examines behaviors such as refusing new romantic interests and attacking romantic rivals, which are indicative of the fear of abandonment and intense emotional reactions in BPD. It outlines the thought processes behind these actions, such as the belief that no one could be as good as the original partner or the need to prove the reality and intensity of their love through aggression. The video also contrasts these thoughts with those from avoidant and antisocial personality disorders, showing how different personality pathologies can lead to similar behaviors for different reasons.

📵 Excessive Communication and Impulsive Self-Harm in BPD

Paragraph four discusses the frantic efforts to avoid abandonment in BPD, often manifesting as excessive communication through texting. It outlines the thoughts behind this behavior, such as the need to constantly reassure the partner of one's love and the fear of being perceived as having lost interest. The paragraph also addresses impulsive self-harm as a response to a breakup, exploring the thoughts that link self-harm to proving love and eliciting a response from the partner. Comparisons are made with histrionic and antisocial personality disorders to highlight different motivations behind similar behaviors.

🌀 Affective Instability and Anger in BPD

Paragraph five focuses on affective instability and anger as common features of BPD. It explores how individuals with BPD interpret their emotional fluctuations, believing their feelings to be true and justified reflections of reality. The thoughts driving anger in BPD are also examined, including the desire to make others feel the same pain, the need for revenge, and the belief that anger can be a tool for communication. The video contrasts these thoughts with those from obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, where anger might be seen as a means to improve productivity.

🔁 Counter-Attacking Criticism and Stalking in BPD

The final paragraph discusses behaviors like counter-attacking after criticism and stalking, which are driven by thoughts of entitlement, fear of non-existence without the partner, and a sense of destiny in the relationship. It contrasts these thoughts with those from narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders, highlighting the unique perspectives and motivations behind similar behaviors. The video concludes by inviting viewers to share their thoughts and opinions on the complex topic of BPD, encouraging a dialogue in the comments section.

Keywords

💡Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. In the video, BPD is the central theme, with the speaker exploring the disorder's impact on behaviors and thoughts. The script discusses various behaviors commonly associated with BPD, such as idealization and devaluation of partners, fear of abandonment, and impulsive self-harm, providing insights into the disorder's complexity.

💡Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a psychological treatment approach that aims to change patterns of thinking or behavior behind people's difficulties, by identifying and challenging negative thought patterns. The video mentions CBT as a technique to identify underlying beliefs and thoughts that lead to behaviors, which is crucial for individuals with BPD to change their thought processes and, consequently, their actions.

💡Idealization

Idealization is the act of placing someone on a pedestal and believing they are perfect. In the context of the video, it is discussed as a behavior where a person with BPD might view their romantic partner as their 'one true love' who will 'save them from themselves' and provide 'true happiness.' This behavior is contrasted with devaluation, another behavior seen in BPD.

💡Devaluation

Devaluation is the process of significantly reducing the value or status of something or someone. In the video, it is described as a BPD behavior where a person might suddenly view their previously idealized partner as the 'worst person in the world.' This swift change from idealization to devaluation is part of the 'love-hate cycle' often seen in BPD relationships.

💡Fear of Abandonment

Fear of abandonment is a central theme in the video, referring to the intense anxiety and fear that a person with BPD may experience at the prospect of being abandoned or rejected. This fear can lead to behaviors such as excessive communication through texting, as mentioned in the script, in an attempt to prevent the perceived abandonment.

💡Impulsive Self-Harm

Impulsive self-harm is a behavior exhibited by some individuals with BPD, often as a response to emotional distress or in an attempt to communicate emotional pain. The video script describes this behavior as a way to 'prove love' or to 'teach others to take one's demands seriously,' illustrating the complex thought processes behind such actions.

💡Affective Instability

Affective instability refers to rapid and intense shifts in emotions, which is a hallmark symptom of BPD. The video discusses how individuals with BPD might interpret their emotional instability, such as believing their feelings 'always point toward the truth' or that their emotions are '100% justified,' indicating a lack of emotional regulation.

💡Anger

Anger is a common emotion experienced by individuals with BPD, often stemming from feelings of hurt and the need to blame others. The video script provides examples of how anger in BPD might be expressed as a way to involve others in one's suffering or to make others understand the depth of one's pain, highlighting the communicative aspect of anger in these relationships.

💡Counter-Attacking

Counter-attacking, as discussed in the video, is a defensive response to criticism where an individual with BPD might react aggressively to protect their self-image. This behavior is linked to the need to avoid feelings of shame and to maintain a sense of being 'destined to be together,' which is a common belief in relationships affected by BPD.

💡Stalking

Stalking is mentioned in the video as an extreme behavior that can occur when a person with BPD feels rejected and is unable to accept the end of a relationship. The script describes thoughts such as 'you have no right to leave' and 'I will not exist without you,' which reflect a sense of entitlement and a profound fear of abandonment, respectively.

💡Personality Disorders

Personality Disorders are a group of mental disorders characterized by enduring patterns of behavior and inner experience that deviate from cultural expectations and cause significant distress or impairment. The video compares BPD with other personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Dependent Personality Disorder, highlighting both similarities and differences in thought patterns and behaviors.

Highlights

Exploring the connection between beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors in individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD).

The core principle of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) in understanding the link between beliefs and behaviors.

The lack of insight as a common characteristic in both BPD and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

The distinction between BPD and NPD in terms of association with deception.

The role of distorted thinking in translating into disordered behavior in BPD.

The importance of identifying beliefs and thoughts to change behaviors in CBT.

The love-hate cycle and its association with BPD behaviors.

How idealization and devaluation of a romantic partner are thought processes in BPD.

The role of emptiness and the search for happiness in BPD-related behaviors.

Comparison of BPD behaviors with those from dependent personality disorder.

The impact of breakups on BPD individuals and their refusal to move on.

Thoughts leading to the refusal of new romantic interests post-breakup in BPD.

The aggressive behavior towards romantic rivals and the thoughts behind it in BPD.

The frantic efforts to avoid abandonment through excessive communication in BPD.

Impulsive self-harm as a behavior in BPD and the associated thoughts.

Interpreting emotional instability and its impact on behavior in BPD.

Anger as a response to pain and the desire for others to understand the suffering in BPD.

Counter-attacking after criticism and the defensive thoughts in BPD.

Stalking behavior post-rejection and the sense of entitlement and necessity in BPD.

Encouraging dialogue and the sharing of opinions on the complexities of BPD.

Transcripts

welcome to my scientifically informed

insider look at mental health topics if

you find this video to be interesting or

helpful please like it and subscribe to

my channel closes dr. Grande

today's question asks if I can identify

some of the beliefs and thoughts that

drive over are associated with

borderline personality disorder so

answer this question by looking at ten

borderline behaviors and the thoughts

that cause them this question about

borderline personality behaviors I think

is really getting at this idea that when

people behave in a certain way to some

extent that's driven by or associated

with beliefs and thoughts and that's

actually want to be core principles that

we see in cognitive behavioral therapy

CBT beliefs combined with stress and

this leads to thoughts and then thoughts

lead to behaviors so one technique we

see in CBT is to try to identify those

beliefs and thoughts this helps us to

change the thoughts so that we can

change the behavior so this exercise of

decoding behaviors is actually part of

CBT now borderline personality disorder

which I'll call BPD has some

similarities and differences when

compared to narcissistic personality

disorder which I'll call NPD I recorded

a few videos on the thoughts behind NPD

so I thought it'd be good to kind of

give a comparison here so with both

disorders we really see a lack of

insight so that'll be evident when

looking at these thoughts and behaviors

NPD has an association with deception

borderline personality disorder really

doesn't now anybody regardless of their

personality can tell a lie

but again deception is not considered to

be a characteristic of BPD now the

thoughts of somebody would be PD are

going to be congruent with the behaviors

the behavior makes sense in light of the

thoughts but the thoughts are going to

be distorted just as the behaviors are

often counterproductive distorted

thinking translates into disorder

behavior this conversion from thoughts

to behavior can occur both intentionally

and unintentionally but either way this

has terrible consequences for the person

who has the disorder and potentially for

people who are exposed to some of the

more extreme behaviors sometimes

different personality pathology can lead

to the same behavior but for different

reasons we see their different purposes

for engaging in behavior

therefore to provide a little bit of

perspective across personality pathology

when I go through each of the behaviors

and talk about the borderline

personality sort of thoughts that are

associated with them I'm also going to

look at another thought from another

personality disorder that could lead to

the same behavior a couple important

things before I get into this list when

I use the word thought in this context

it could also be a belief attitude or

expectation it's just easier to say

thought and just to keep this

presentation orderly my examples will

presume that the individual with BPD and

the romantic partner are married this

way I can use the term wife or husband

to mean the person with the disorder

instead of saying a person with

borderline personality sorter each time

right so again just for expediency for

the first five examples the wife will

have BPD and for the last five the

husband will have BPD so starting with

behavior number one this is ID lysing a

romantic partner so the wife thinks that

the husband is the greatest person ever

of course this is very common with BPD

so it could be the thoughts here well

the first one you are my one true love

right so there really kind of focusing

on that person the wife is focusing on

the husband as her one true love next

thought you are the one that's going to

save me from myself right that's fairly

popular thought and the last one I can

now finally have true happiness and not

feel empty and we know a chronic feeling

of emptiness of course is part of

borderline personality disorder so now

looking at dependent personality

disorder a thought that might lead to

the same behavior from this person

disorder if I idealize you you will be

more likely to support me right so

basically this is just a mechanism to

not lose support from the perspective of

dependent personality disorder moving to

behavior number two this is devaluing

the romantic partner right so the first

one was idealizing and we see devaluing

so the wife believes that the husband is

the worst person in the world so again

this cycle the love-hate cycle fairly

common with BPD now looking at the

thoughts I knew you were bad news from

the start because nobody could be that

perfect right so there's some irony here

because the wife is the one that

believed the husband was perfect in the

first place right so the lack of insight

here is evident next thought I'm

unlovable

so I find it highly suspicious that you

really love me right I think this is

pretty common with BPD there's this

disbelief that somebody could really

love the individual from that

individuals perspective right there just

don't understand how somebody could love

and connect with them and want to be

with them the last thought I have a lot

of rage that needs to be directed

somewhere other than just toward myself

right so this just kind of spreads out

the suffering a bit now looking at a

thought from narcissistic person is

order again devaluing is the behavior

how dare he believed that he's worthy of

being with me so we see a bit of a

different tone they're moving to NPT now

looking at behavior number three after a

breakup with her husband that definitely

seems permanent the wife declines an

offer from a new love interest like to

go on a date even though she's attracted

to the new love interest she indicates

that the husband will be coming back

someday so again we see this idea that

the original husband was really the one

they were destined to be together and

even though they're not together and

they won't ever be together again

the wife holds out hope and will not

move forward romantically even though

she really does want to be a no Mantic

relationship so the thoughts here you

could never be as good as him right so

this is her talking to the person asking

her out a date the next thought my

husband understood me like no one else

can't and then the last thought he must

come back and accepting an offer of a

date means I'm admitting he's not going

to come back so this is really about

what people want to believe versus what

they need to believe and this is one of

those areas where the wife needs to

believe it and that's always the type of

belief that's associated with a more

profound lack of insight so now looking

at this from the perspective of avoidant

personality I can't risk the pain of

rejection from this new love interest so

I'd rather hold on to the fantasy that

my husband is coming back moving to

behavior number four the wife attacks a

romantic rival so like maybe a love

triangle that forms and the wife attacks

that other person now this isn't an

everyday thing we see with BPD but I

have seen this many times right this

does happen

when things get really heated and

complicated in these relationships so

the thoughts here this romantic rival is

the reason why my husband left me she is

the problem right so even though the

husband of course owns some of that

behavior the wife is gonna blame that

romantic rival next thought this attack

proves that our love is real right so in

a way the wife being violent the wife

attacking in her mind is proving that

her love is real not just her love for

the husband but her husband's love for

her there's an intensity about

relationships that involve borderline

personality disorder and that's really

typify in this particular thought the

last thought this is what she gets for

messing with true love right so this is

again kind of holding that relationship

is really special and everyone else is

just in the way and they need to get out

of the way or they're going to get

injured so now moving to antisocial

person I thought this love triangle and

the subsequent attack is a good pretext

for me to steal money from the romantic

rival right so sometimes with antisocial

it's not so much about strong feelings

of connectedness but more trying to get

something out of the actions right so

instrumentality wanting to gain

something material from the actions now

moving to behavior number five this

one's kind of wrapped up with the

frantic efforts to avoid abandonment we

see this is one of the symptom criteria

for BPD and specifically here I'm

looking at excessive communication

through texting that's actually fairly

common it's a common manifestation of

this symptom criterion so the thoughts

here if I keep communicating with him

constantly he will know that I care

right so this is an effort to make sure

he understands how much he's loved

second thought if I don't keep

communicating he will believe that I

have lost interest so this is kinda like

the opposite side of the coin I have to

keep communicating so he knows that I

love him and if I don't he'll think that

I don't love him third thought I'm so

scared of being rejected I just don't

know what else to do so sometimes this

type of communication just really comes

out of anxiety just not knowing how to

sit

sure the relationship we see a profound

sense of insecurity with BPD moving over

to paranoid I think he's having an

affair and if I keep communicating he

will know that I'm watching him right so

again kind of a different tone there

from a paranoid perspective now moving

item number six this is impulsive

self-harm this is moving over to the

husband though so the husband has BPD

and the wife does not and specifically

here I'm talking about behavior after a

breakup so the first thought when she

sees that I hurt myself she will

understand that she caused this and

she'll come back right so again we see

lack of insight next thought this will

teach her and everybody else to take my

demands seriously so sometimes the

behavior is simply to prove a point the

last thought this will prove to her that

I love her more than anyone else in the

world right so again we see kind of a

love communication style that is not

appropriate or helpful now looking at

this from the point of view of

histrionic Personality

I'm going to be the center of attention

right so a little more straightforward

with that particular personality

disorder in terms of this behavior so

now looking at the 7th behavior this one

is related to effective instability and

this is how somebody makes sense and

interprets their own emotional

instability so that's one really getting

out here with the 7th behavior it's not

the affective instability itself it's

how somebody makes sense of it so the

thoughts here my feelings always point

toward the truth right so this is

something we see often with BPD the

husband believes that the feelings point

to the truth they are totally congruent

with what's actually happening in the

world the next thought my feelings are

100% justified this is kind of similar

to that first thought again the feelings

must have wisdom they must speak about

something that's true so therefore they

would be justified last thought I wish I

didn't feel anything at all so sometimes

numbness is more desirable in these

situations for the husband and sometimes

it's not and we see people kind of go

back and forth with BPD

on that issue of feeling not so not

feeling anything at all

looking at this interpretation from the

point of view of antisocial personality

this display of unstable emotions will

make people fear me so in a way they

look at the back-and-forth between

extreme emotional states as being

potentially helpful to be feared and

respected behavior number eight is anger

and we see this quite a bit with BPD the

first thought I hurt so much and

somebody else must be to blame right so

the anger is a way of involving other

people in one suffering the second

thought my anger will make other people

suffer and make them understand how much

I'm hurting so pretty similar here a

little bit more deliberate like I want

other people to suffer in order to

comprehend my suffering so not just the

blame component but the understanding

component and the third thought others

have always hated me and this is my

revenge right so this one even more

targeted so somebody is lashing out and

anger because they need to set the

record straight

people are out to get them people hate

them and they're simply reciprocating so

about looking at anger from the

perspective of obsessive-compulsive

personality sort of OCPD maybe if people

see that I'm angry they'll do a better

job with their work right so this kind

of speaks to the productive nature we

see with OCPD a focus on efficiency

productivity getting all the work done

sometimes anger can be useful at least

in the mind of somebody with that

disorder now looking at behavior number

nine

this is counter-attacking after being

criticized so this could include a

display of anger but it's really due to

a specific criticism the thoughts here

we are destined to be together so it

makes no sense to criticize me so this

is just by not understanding why

criticism would happen when there's true

love next thought her criticism makes me

feel ashamed and that's too painful let

go without striking back so we see here

a clear overlap with vulnerable

narcissism the last thought even though

we were arguing at least we were still

communicating right so this is really

getting at the idea that the

communication sometimes

these relationships is not good and the

husband doesn't know how to get a

conversation started that's productive

so sometimes responding to criticism at

least starts the talking right not a

helpful way to think about it but one is

actually fairly common looking at the

same response to criticism from the

perspective of narcissistic personality

when she criticized me she doubted my

perfection and I cannot let that go

unanswered behavior number 10 being

rejected by the wife then stalking her

right so looking at these thoughts you

have no right to leave so kind of a

sense of entitlement which we usually

associate with NPD but we can see it

with BPD sometimes as well next thought

I will not exist without you and this we

speaks to kind of a core component

I think this connects back to the

chronic feeling of emptiness we see with

BPD relationships kind of define the

person's value right the husband and

curses value in that relationship so

losing it is beyond catastrophic and the

last thought my love would not feel so

powerful if it wasn't meant to be so

kind of a Destiny component here we see

wrapped up with the stalking behavior

now looking at this one point of view of

antisocial personality suitor this

relationship is over when I say it's

over right so kind of an aggressive and

commanding dominant type component we

see from anti-social as opposed to BPD

so there are some behaviors we see with

BPD and some of the thoughts we might

see that are behind those behaviors I

know whenever I talk about topics like

borderline personality there will be a

variety of opinions please put in the

opinions and thoughts in the comments

section they always generate an

interesting dialogue as always I hope

you found my analysis of this topic to

be interesting thanks for watching