5 Reasons The BPD Favourite-Person Relationship Often Fails

Summary

Therapist Lise Leblanc discusses the complexities of relationships involving individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), focusing on the 'favorite person' dynamic. She outlines five major issues: the emotional exhaustion from constant obsession, emotional dependence leading to instability, 'splitting' between idealization and devaluation, intense jealousy and possessiveness, and BPD episodes that can escalate to panic and impulsive behaviors. Leblanc emphasizes the distress these relationships can cause for both the person with BPD and their favorite person, often resulting in a cycle of emotional turmoil.

Takeaways

• 🤔 Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) may have turbulent relationships characterized by mood swings, instability, and impulsive behaviors.
• 🔍 A 'favorite person' in the context of BPD is someone the individual with BPD becomes excessively attached to, seeking emotional stability and self-worth from them.
• 🧐 The 'favorite person' could be anyone from a romantic partner to a family member or even an acquaintance, and the relationship can be emotionally draining for both parties.
• 😓 Having a 'favorite person' can be exhausting for the individual with BPD as they obsess over the relationship and constantly seek validation.
• 🔗 Emotional dependence is a significant issue, with the person with BPD relying heavily on the 'favorite person' for emotional regulation and self-worth.
• 💔 'Splitting' is a common dynamic where the 'favorite person' is alternately idealized and devalued, leading to a cycle of intense emotional highs and lows.
• 😡 Jealousy and possessiveness often arise as the person with BPD struggles to accept the 'favorite person' having a life outside of the relationship.
• 😣 BPD episodes, characterized by intense fear of abandonment, can lead to impulsive and sometimes destructive behaviors in an attempt to maintain the relationship.
• 💔 The end of a relationship with a 'favorite person' can be devastating for the individual with BPD, potentially leading to extreme emotional reactions and self-destructive behaviors.
• 📚 Understanding the complexities of a 'favorite person' relationship is crucial for both the person with BPD and those who care for them, as it can inform supportive and therapeutic interventions.

Q & A

What is the term used to describe someone who is the primary focus of a person with BPD's emotional needs?

The term used is 'favorite person'.

Can the 'favorite person' in a BPD relationship be anyone, or is it typically a specific type of relationship?

The 'favorite person' is typically a romantic partner, but it can also be a platonic friend, therapist, teacher, co-worker, boss, family member, or even someone they just met.

Why does the person with BPD obsess over the 'favorite person'?

The person with BPD obsesses over the 'favorite person' because they rely heavily on them for emotional support and stability, and they have a weak and unstable sense of self.

What is the emotional impact on the 'favorite person' in a relationship with someone with BPD?

The 'favorite person' can experience emotional exhaustion, as they are the focus of excessive worry and constant need for reassurance from the person with BPD.

How does the 'favorite person' dynamic affect the person with BPD's sense of self?

The 'favorite person' dynamic can cause the person with BPD to have an unstable sense of self, as they often try to match or mimic the habits, interests, opinions, values, beliefs, and personality of the 'favorite person'.

What is emotional dependence, as it relates to BPD and the 'favorite person'?

Emotional dependence in BPD involves the person with BPD becoming reliant on the 'favorite person' to regulate their chaotic emotions, solve daily issues, and stabilize their sense of self.

What is 'splitting' in the context of BPD and how does it affect the relationship with the 'favorite person'?

'Splitting' is a defense mechanism where the person with BPD alternates between idealizing and devaluing the 'favorite person', leading to rapid and intense cycles of love and rejection.

Why might the person with BPD become jealous and possessive in their relationship with the 'favorite person'?

The person with BPD may become jealous and possessive due to their intense insecurity and fear of abandonment, leading them to misinterpret the 'favorite person's' actions as threats to the relationship.

What is a 'BPD episode' and how does it manifest in the relationship?

A 'BPD episode' is an intense emotional reaction triggered by fear of rejection or abandonment, where the person with BPD may lash out in anger, panic, or engage in impulsive behaviors, creating further toxicity in the relationship.

How does the end of a relationship with a 'favorite person' affect the person with BPD?

The end of a relationship can be devastating for the person with BPD, leading to extreme emotional outbursts, frantic efforts to fix things, and potentially escalating self-harming or suicidal behaviors.

What advice does Lise Leblanc offer for those involved with a person with BPD?

Lise Leblanc, as a therapist, author, and life coach, explains the dynamics of a 'favorite person' relationship and the problems that arise, suggesting awareness and understanding as key to managing such relationships.

Outlines

00:00

🤔 Understanding the 'Favorite Person' in BPD Relationships

The paragraph discusses the concept of a 'favorite person' in the context of relationships involving individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It outlines behaviors and traits that may indicate a person has BPD, such as mood swings, unstable relationships, self-destructive behaviors, and fear of abandonment. The 'favorite person' is someone who the individual with BPD relies on heavily for emotional support and stability. This person can be anyone from a romantic partner to a family member or even an acquaintance. The paragraph emphasizes the intense emotional dependency and the unhealthy attachment that can develop, leading to significant problems in the relationship.

05:01

🔁 Emotional Dependence and Splitting in BPD Relationships

This section delves into the emotional dependence that individuals with BPD often exhibit towards their 'favorite person.' It explains how the favorite person becomes a lifeline for managing chaotic emotions and stabilizing their sense of self. The paragraph also introduces the concept of 'splitting,' where the person with BPD alternates between idealizing and devaluing the favorite person. This can lead to rapid and intense emotional cycles, causing increased toxicity in the relationship. The favorite person may initially enjoy the attention and adoration but may later face possessiveness and jealousy as the relationship progresses.

10:03

💔 BPD Episodes and Their Impact on Relationships

The final paragraph addresses the phenomenon of BPD episodes, which are intense emotional reactions triggered by the fear of rejection and abandonment. These episodes can lead to impulsive, manipulative, and even self-destructive behaviors as the person with BPD seeks reassurance and validation from their favorite person. The paragraph highlights the distressing impact of these episodes on both the person with BPD and the favorite person. It discusses the potential for self-harm and suicidal ideation to escalate during these episodes and the emotional turmoil that can result from the end of a relationship, emphasizing the complexity and challenges of maintaining a connection with someone who has BPD.

Keywords

💡Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships. In the context of the video, BPD is central to understanding the challenges faced by individuals with this disorder in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. The video discusses how individuals with BPD may exhibit dramatic mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and intense fear of abandonment, which significantly impact their interactions with their 'favorite person'.

💡Favorite Person

A 'favorite person' is a term used in the video to describe someone who an individual with BPD becomes excessively attached to, often seeking emotional stability and self-worth from this person. The favorite person is typically a romantic partner but can also be a friend, therapist, or other significant individual. The video explains that the favorite person becomes the center of the BPD individual's world, leading to an unhealthy level of emotional dependence and obsession.

💡Emotional Dependence

Emotional dependence refers to an excessive reliance on another person for emotional support and validation. In the video, it is highlighted as a major issue in relationships involving individuals with BPD. They may become overly attached to their favorite person, needing constant reassurance and attention, which can lead to feelings of panic and despair when this dependency is not met.

💡Splitting

Splitting is a defense mechanism where an individual with BPD oscillates between idealizing and devaluing their favorite person. Initially, the favorite person may be seen as perfect, but minor perceived slights can quickly lead to the person being viewed as entirely negative or harmful. This extreme fluctuation can cause significant instability and toxicity in the relationship, as illustrated in the video.

💡Jealousy and Possessiveness

Jealousy and possessiveness are described in the video as common reactions of individuals with BPD towards their favorite person. As their insecurity grows, they may become overly concerned with the attention the favorite person gives to others, leading to feelings of jealousy and possessiveness. This can result in disproportionate emotional reactions and attempts to control the favorite person's interactions.

💡BPD Episode

A BPD episode, as mentioned in the video, refers to intense emotional outbursts or crises that individuals with BPD may experience, often triggered by fears of rejection or abandonment. These episodes can involve anger, panic, or desperate attempts to regain the attention and reassurance of the favorite person. The video describes how these episodes can be distressing for both the person with BPD and their favorite person.

💡Self-Harm

Self-harm is a behavior where individuals intentionally cause harm to themselves, often as a coping mechanism for emotional pain. The video discusses how individuals with BPD, in the context of a relationship breakdown with their favorite person, may escalate self-harming behaviors as a response to intense emotional distress and feelings of abandonment.

💡Suicidal Ideation

Suicidal ideation involves thinking about, planning, or attempting suicide. The video highlights that individuals with BPD may experience heightened suicidal ideation during periods of emotional turmoil, particularly when facing the loss of a favorite person. This underscores the severity of the emotional pain they may endure.

💡Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and control one's emotions. The video explains that individuals with BPD often struggle with emotional regulation, which can lead to chaotic emotional states and intense mood swings. Their reliance on a favorite person for emotional stability highlights this struggle.

💡Abandonment

Abandonment is a central theme in the video, referring to the fear and experience of being left by someone important. For individuals with BPD, the fear of abandonment can be overwhelming, leading to intense emotional reactions and behaviors aimed at preventing the loss of their favorite person. The video describes how this fear can drive the dynamics of their relationships.

💡Impulsive Behaviors

Impulsive behaviors are actions that are performed without forethought or consideration of the consequences. The video mentions that individuals with BPD may exhibit destructive or impulsive behaviors, such as binge eating or drinking, as a response to their emotional instability and in an attempt to cope with their intense emotions.

Highlights

Individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may have chaotic relationships and exhibit impulsive behaviors.

BPD can involve fear of abandonment, requiring constant reassurance from their 'favorite person'.

The 'favorite person' is typically a romantic partner or someone the individual with BPD is obsessed with for emotional support.

Being a 'favorite person' can be exhausting due to the excessive worry and need for constant validation from the individual with BPD.

Emotional dependence is a significant issue, with BPD individuals relying heavily on their 'favorite person' for emotional regulation.

Splitting is a common phenomenon where BPD individuals alternate between idealizing and devaluing their 'favorite person'.

Jealousy and possessiveness often increase over time as the individual with BPD becomes more insecure.

BPD episodes involve intense emotional reactions, often triggered by fear of rejection or abandonment.

Ending a relationship with a 'favorite person' can lead to extreme emotional distress and potential self-harming behaviors in individuals with BPD.

The 'favorite person' may feel like a failure for not being able to alleviate the BPD individual's fears and emotional outbursts.

Therapist Lise Leblanc explains the dynamics of 'favorite person' relationships in the context of BPD.

BPD individuals may have a pattern of putting their 'favorite person' on a pedestal and then tearing them down.

The 'favorite person' often becomes the center of the BPD individual's world, leading to obsessive thoughts and behaviors.

The emotional instability of BPD can lead to rapid mood swings and unpredictable behavior in relationships.

The 'favorite person' may experience guilt and distress when trying to cope with the BPD individual's emotional needs.

BPD individuals often have a weak and unstable sense of self, leading to a constant need for external validation.

The relationship between a BPD individual and their 'favorite person' can be characterized by cycles of idealization and devaluation.

Insecure attachment styles in BPD can manifest as possessiveness and jealousy, affecting the quality of relationships.

BPD episodes can involve impulsive, manipulative, or even self-destructive behaviors as a response to perceived abandonment.

Transcripts

Are you in a relationship with someone who has  frequent violent mood swings? Dramatic, chaotic  

or unstable relationships? Do they have extremely  low self-worth, destructive, or impulsive behaviors 

or tendencies such as binge eating or drinking?  abuse of prescription medications self-harm or  

suicide attempts? Do they have a predictable  pattern of putting you on a pedestal only to  

viciously tear you down later and then build  you back up again? Are they terrified of being  

abandoned by you and needing constant reassurance  that you won't leave them? If you answered yes  

to most of these questions, this person may have  borderline personality disorder or BPD for short  

and you may be their favorite person I'm Lise  Leblanc, therapist, author, and life coach and in  

this video today, I am explaining what a favorite  person is and five major problems that almost  

always arise in a favorite person relationship and  often cause the relationship to come crashing to  

an end if you like this video please subscribe  to my channel and hit the notification Bell so  

you don't miss anything individuals with BPD have  trouble forming lasting relationships and often  

form unhealthy attachments and when they find  someone that they believe can provide them with  

emotional stability self-worth and a sense of self  that person often becomes what's referred to as a  

favorite person the favorite person is typically  a romantic partner but it can also be a platonic  

friend a therapist teacher co-worker Boss family  member or even someone that they just met the key  

element of the favorite person versus let's say  a best friend is that the person with BPD becomes  

obsessed with the favorite person giving them all  of their time attention and energy and relying  

heavily on that person for emotional support  and stability in no particular order here are  

five problems that a person with BPD experiences  in their relationship with a favorite person but  

please keep in mind that not all those with BPD  experience things in the exact same ways but if  

you do have BPD and would like to share the issues  that you've had in relationship with a favorite  

person please let me know in the comments section  below number one it is absolutely exhausting for  

the person with BPD to have a favorite person  because this person occupies a ton of real  

estate in their mind they are always excessively  worrying about where they fit into the favorite  

person's life and how important and valuable  they are to them because the person with BPD  

has a very weak and unstable sense of self once  they have a favorite person they often spend an  

inordinate amount of time trying to figure out how  to match or mimic the habits interests opinions  

values beliefs and even the personality of the  favorite person so they are constantly examining  

and trying to interpret what the favorite person  is thinking feeling doing how to please them prove  

their Worth to be liked and to be loved by them  so their whole existence starts to revolve around  

not one person from the moment they wake up in  the morning to the moment they go to sleep at  

night their thoughts are consumed by by the  favorite person they over analyze every word  

that was said and combed through every text email  spending hours searching the favorite person's  

social media accounts trying to find clues about  what they like what their interests are what are  

their whereabouts and especially who they are  giving and receiving attention from the person  

with BPD devotes so much time and energy on their  favorite person paying attention to their every  

move their every nuance and the person with bpd's  brain is just running wild in a million different  

directions as they obsess over what that favorite  person is thinking feeling doing and then spinning  

stories in their mind mind making assumptions  and interpretations often misinterpretations  

about what it all means about them for the person  with BPD everything is about them everything is  

personal and almost everything somehow leads to  the same conclusion that the favorite person is  

going to reject and abandon them number two is  emotional dependence the favorite person becomes  

the borderlines you know emotional lifeline and  they become dependent on the favorite person to  

help regulate their chaotic emotions solve their  day-to-day issues and stabilize their sense of  

self they get so emotionally addicted to the  favorite person that they suffer immensely when  

they do not have the favorite person's attention  and reassurance or they just feel that slight  

separation so it's just like someone addicted  to drugs goes into to a state of withdrawal so  

this feeling of rejection or abandonment is just  Amplified and it can be incredibly devastating  

for the person with BPD creating this cutting  sense of guilt grief isolation fear and shame to  

the point that the quality of their day depends  on the interactions with their favorite person  

after a positive interaction the person with BPD  feels overwhelming positive emotions and it's  

two extremes but then this can change in a matter  of minutes or seconds even depending on what the  

favorite person says or does or how the person  with BPD perceives and interprets these things  

when they perceive anything negative coming from  the favorite person their day is ruined and they  

can go into a deep dark place number three is  splitting so individuals with BPD idealize their  

favorite person at first that person can do no  wrong everything about them is absolutely perfect  

and the person with BPD feels great awe and  admiration towards them but again this can change  

very quickly from something as seemingly minute as  not reaching out to say good morning first thing  

not responding to a text immediately suddenly the  Beloved perfect Angelic favorite person becomes  

an evil horrible monster that never cared or  loved them in the first place the favorite  

person is held to such idealistic standards and  unrealistic expectations and because the person  

with BPD sees the world in Extremes in black  or white either the favorite person is perfect  

or they are complete garbage they cannot accept  that the favorite person is an imperfect human  

being just like everyone else mistakes made by the  favorite person are often what you know most might  

consider very minor but for the person with BPD  these mistakes are Unforgettable and Unforgivable  

so they will go back and forth from idealization  to devaluation in cycles that become more and more  

rapid and intense over time so they're frantically  pulling the person closer loving them up giving  

them lots of compliments then pushing them away  projecting negative feelings assumptions and blame  

onto them leading to increased toxicity in the  relationship with each and every cycle until it is  

no longer sustainable number four is jealousy and  possessiveness at first the favorite person will  

likely appreciate the extreme attention adoration  and all the efforts that the person with BPD makes  

to please them and you know let's face it we all  want to feel intense love and emotional connection  

and the person with BPD will make the favorite  person feel like the most special person in the  

entire world and they will go out of their  way to please them in ways that maybe no one  

has ever even thought of before but as time  goes on they get increasingly insecure and  

very possessive and it is very difficult for  the person with BPD to understand and accept  

that the favorite person has other friends family  work interests needs obligations responsibilities  

or people that they love outside of them and even  if the favorite person were the perfect attention  

giving validating reassuring loving person there  will still be times when the person with BPD  

misperceives misinterprets or gets insecure and  then again becomes very jealous and possessive so  

you might be having a pleasant date together and  the person with BPD feels nice and comfortable  

they're hoppy they feel like they're the center  of your attention and then maybe as a favorite  

person you say hello to someone or innocently  look in the direction of an attractive person  

and the date goes off the rails as the person  with BPD unleashes an emotional reaction that  

seems completely disproportionate to the  situation or even out of touch with reality  

and this may seem to be coming out of nowhere  but for the person with BPD who is so in tune  

with the favorite person's every nuance and  so fearful of their abandonment they perceive  

these slight shifts in the favorite person's  attention towards someone else as a threat  

and this overwhelms them in ways that someone  without BPD could never fully understand  

so number five is along the same lines and it's  what's referred to as a BPD episode so once the  

person with borderline personality disorder  attaches to a favorite person their fear of  

rejection and abandonment amplifies and is  easily triggered causing intense emotional  

Reactions where they lash out in anger or maybe  instead of Rage they go into a complete state of  

panic reaching out frantically to the favorite  person desperately you know pleading for these  

reassurances and becoming really clingy needy  demanding and sometimes acting in other impulsive  

and even manipulative vengeful or vicious ways um  BPD episodes can sometimes take hours maybe even  

days to resolve and once that episode is over the  person with BPD can feel extremely shameful they  

may return to idealizing the favorite person or  may act like nothing ever happened and sometimes  

they may even dissociate completely or discard the  favorite person either temporarily or permanently  

so when it's the favorite person that ends the  relationship this is incredibly devastating  

for the person with BPD and they can go into an  intense state of panic and if they sense that the  

favorite person is going to end the relationship  sometimes they will end it first just to have that  

control over the abandonment or they'll create  situations to actually make it happen so this  

abandonment by the favorite person makes them  feel like they are going to die often leading to  

extreme emotional outbursts frantic efforts to fix  things and erotic behaviors to make the favorite  

person reconsider and recommit to the relationship  and if this doesn't work they can fall into a deep  

depression and shame they you know feel like a  stake has just been driven through their heart  

and they just want to die and if they struggle  with self-harming behavior or suicidal ideation  

in these behaviors will likely escalate during  this time and they may act out in many other  

ways to deal with the emotional crash that  comes with cutting their emotional lifeline  

for the favorite person it can also be very  distressing because despite their best efforts  

and intentions to try to ease the person with  bpd's fears and avoid their emotional outbursts  

and cope with the harmful words and sometimes  outrageous behavior so the favorite person who  

genuinely does love and care for the person with  BPD can feel like a total failure for giving up  

on someone who is clearly suffering and sometimes  causing the favorite person to try over and over  

again only to fail resulting in more distress for  the person with BPD and more guilt for themselves  

if you like this video please subscribe and  let me know in the comment section if you  

want to learn more about the favorite person  relationship for more information about the  

four types of borderline personality  disorder just click on the link above