Men do the right things with the wrong women: the importance of a system

Summary

In this episode of *Psycha: Better Living Through Psychology*, Dr. Orion Terban explores how men often do the right things with the wrong women due to misperceptions about attractiveness. He explains that men tend to approach women they perceive as less attractive because they feel safer, while often mishandling interactions with more attractive women. Dr. Terban emphasizes the importance of maintaining emotional control and using consistent behavior, regardless of a woman's perceived attractiveness, to foster better romantic outcomes. Ultimately, the key is treating all women with the same level of respect and approach to avoid sabotaging potential connections.

Takeaways

• 😀 Men often approach women they perceive as safer options (lower attractiveness) rather than those they find most attractive.
• 😀 Men mistakenly think that attractive women (rated a 9) are 'out of their league', leading them to pursue less attractive women (rated a 6).
• 😀 The perception that a 6 is a safer bet is based on an incorrect understanding of how women assess men, which can lead to bruised egos when rejected.
• 😀 Confidence and indifference in approach can actually make men more attractive, even if they're not genuinely interested in the woman they’re pursuing.
• 😀 Men often act more sexually aggressive with women they perceive as less attractive (the 6) because they see the encounter as a 'sure thing'.
• 😀 Women, especially those perceived as less attractive, may misinterpret attention as romantic interest, leading to unwanted emotional attachments.
• 😀 Once a casual encounter with a 6 is completed, men often display indifference, which may prompt the woman to initiate contact, assuming a desire for a relationship.
• 😀 The same behaviors that attract a 6 can be just as effective with a 9, as both women belong to the same species and respond similarly to attraction and interest.
• 😀 Men tend to make the mistake of overshooting their efforts when they meet a woman they’re genuinely excited about, undermining the attraction.
• 😀 When men display too much emotional investment and chase women, they often push them away due to the natural tendency of women to avoid being pursued too aggressively.
• 😀 Treating a 9 with the same controlled approach as a 6 (without over-expressing attraction or emotional intensity) can lead to more successful outcomes in relationships.

Q & A

Why do men tend to approach women they perceive as '6s' rather than '9s' in social settings?

Men often approach '6s' because they perceive them as safer and less intimidating than '9s'. They believe that a '9' is out of their league and might be harder to attract, so they choose to pursue someone they feel is within their reach.

What mistake do men often make when they approach women they find attractive?

The mistake men make is overestimating their chances with women they find attractive and then altering their behavior. They tend to become more emotional, overly eager, and pursue the woman aggressively, which can actually turn her off.

How does the concept of perceived attraction (numbers like '6' and '9') affect male behavior?

Perceived attraction influences men's approach to women. They assume that a '6' is more attainable and act more confidently, while they view a '9' as less attainable and become more hesitant or intimidated. This leads to behaviors that are not as effective when they meet someone they’re genuinely excited about.

What is the role of emotional control in dating, according to the script?

Emotional control is crucial in dating because it helps men avoid coming off as desperate or overly eager. Maintaining a composed demeanor ensures that men do not chase women too hard, which could trigger a woman’s instinct to pull away.

Why is it problematic for men to display too much emotional investment early on in a relationship?

Displaying too much emotional investment too soon can make men appear needy or desperate. This can push women away because it disrupts the natural balance of attraction, where both parties feel a sense of mutual interest and excitement.

How does the script suggest men should behave when they meet someone they're really excited about?

The script advises men to maintain the same behavior they would use with someone they’re less interested in, i.e., confident, emotionally controlled, and not overly pursuing. This will help avoid turning the relationship dynamics into an imbalance of power or attraction.

What does the script mean when it says men are 'doing the right things with the wrong women'?

The phrase refers to men successfully attracting women they’re less excited about ('6s') by behaving confidently, with emotional control and clear intent. However, when they meet someone they are truly excited about ('9s'), they mistakenly change their approach, often undermining their chances.

Why do women sometimes reject men who pursue them aggressively?

Women may reject men who pursue them too aggressively because they instinctively feel the need to run away from what they perceive as 'false positives'. This means they’re more likely to flee a situation that feels too intense or too eager, even if the man is genuinely interested in them.

How can men apply the same strategies they use with '6s' to attract '9s'?

Men can apply the same strategies—confidence, clear sexual intent, and emotional control—to attract '9s'. By maintaining a composed approach and avoiding emotional over-investment, men will increase their chances of success with women they are genuinely excited about.

What does the poker analogy in the script suggest about approaching relationships?

The poker analogy suggests that men should treat every dating opportunity with the same level of emotional control, regardless of how excited they are. Just like in poker, if you react emotionally when you get a good hand (or meet someone exciting), you risk ruining the opportunity. Staying calm and sticking to a system ensures better outcomes.