7 Self-Defeating Games That Hold You Back From Getting What You Want

Summary

In this insightful talk, the speaker outlines seven self-defeating behaviors people often engage in due to fear and uncertainty. These actions, which sabotage personal growth and relationships, include avoiding participation, playing the role of the 'nice guy,' causing problems deliberately, changing the game to avoid uncomfortable truths, spreading lies, hiding behind judgment, and preemptively attacking others. The speaker stresses that these games are played when people fear negative outcomes and resort to destructive tactics rather than confronting their fears, emphasizing how they prevent growth and resolution in life.

Takeaways

• 😀 Self-defeating games are behaviors people play when they're afraid of negative outcomes in a situation.
• 😀 The first self-defeating game is 'Don't Participate'—withdrawing from a situation out of fear of losing control.
• 😀 'Play the Nice Guy' is when you avoid conflict by saying what others want to hear, but it compromises your honesty.
• 😀 'Be a Problem' is about creating chaos to avoid responsibility, making others step in to handle the situation.
• 😀 'Change the Game' involves shifting the focus of a conversation when you’re unable to answer difficult questions.
• 😀 'Spread Lies or Gossip' is a tactic used to manipulate others and avoid being judged or exposed.
• 😀 'Hide Behind Judgment' is when you criticize others to deflect attention from your own insecurities or fears.
• 😀 'Get Them Before They Get You' is a preemptive strike, acting aggressively to protect yourself out of fear.
• 😀 These behaviors are often driven by fear of vulnerability, fear of loss of control, or fear of judgment.
• 😀 Recognizing and understanding these self-defeating games is the first step to overcoming them and engaging more productively.

Q & A

What are the 'self-defeating games' mentioned in the script?

The 'self-defeating games' are behaviors or patterns that individuals engage in when they fear negative outcomes. These actions often sabotage their own success, such as avoiding situations or manipulating others to avoid discomfort or failure.

Why does the speaker think these games are played?

The speaker suggests that these games are played because individuals fear that if they allow things to flow naturally, the outcome will be unfavorable. The games are a defense mechanism to control situations they are unsure about.

What does 'Don't participate' refer to in the context of the script?

'Don't participate' refers to the tendency to withdraw from a situation out of fear of losing control. Instead of facing the potential challenges or outcomes, a person might avoid involvement altogether, essentially 'picking up their ball and going home.'

What does 'play the nice guy' mean in the context of self-defeating games?

'Play the nice guy' means to tell others what they want to hear in order to avoid conflict, rather than being honest about one's feelings. This is done to escape the situation without confronting the real issues.

What is the purpose behind 'being a problem' as a self-defeating game?

'Being a problem' involves intentionally creating difficulties in a situation, such as refusing to participate in a task. This may result in others taking over the task, but it shifts attention away from the individual's discomfort or fears.

What does 'change the game' refer to in the script?

'Change the game' means altering the focus of a conversation or situation when one's own position or argument becomes untenable. This might involve diverting attention to a different topic or issue to avoid dealing with uncomfortable truths.

Why might someone 'spread lies or gossip' as a self-defeating game?

Spreading lies or gossip is used to create division or undermine others in a situation. It is a tactic to deflect attention from one's own shortcomings or to manipulate the situation in one's favor, often at the cost of truth and trust.

How does 'hide behind judgment' play into self-defeating behaviors?

Hiding behind judgment involves using critical opinions of others as a way to avoid confronting personal fears or insecurities. Instead of addressing the situation directly, a person hides behind judgments to deflect from their own issues.

What is the meaning of 'get them before they get you' in the context of self-defeating games?

'Get them before they get you' refers to preemptively attacking others to avoid being attacked first. It’s a defensive strategy that often involves taking aggressive actions out of fear of vulnerability or perceived threats.

Why does the speaker believe these self-defeating games are so common?

The speaker believes these games are common because many people struggle with fear and uncertainty. These behaviors provide a temporary sense of control, but ultimately undermine personal growth and healthy conflict resolution.