Stop judging, start caring: The empathetic way to communicate | Mathias Durand | TEDxUNYP

Summary

The speaker addresses the challenges of navigating difficult conversations, particularly in light of recent global events. They advocate for a three-step communication approach: first, connect with the emotional driver behind the other person's opinion; second, care for the quality of the conversation by speaking the same language; and third, if necessary, help guide the conversation towards a new perspective. The talk emphasizes empathy, active listening, and the importance of emotional intelligence in fostering understanding and connection, even amidst disagreement.

Takeaways

• 🌐 The pandemic and social movements have intensified difficult conversations, often leading to disagreements and emotional responses.
• 😤 It's natural to feel angry or disappointed when others hold beliefs we perceive as incorrect, but pushing our views doesn't usually change their minds.
• 🧠 We are not purely rational beings; we are emotional beings that think, which influences our conversations and decision-making.
• 🚗看待艰难对话如同被邀请参加一次公路旅行，有起点和目的地，理解对方的情绪是关键。
• 😥 Identifying the emotions behind someone's opinion (the 'emotional driver') is the first step to connecting in a conversation.
• 🎶 'Caring personally for the quality of the trip' means adapting our communication to match the emotional state of the other person.
• 🙅‍♂️ Avoiding confrontational language like 'yes, but' and reducing questions starting with 'why' can improve communication.
• 🗣️ Using 'yes, and' fosters a collaborative conversation rather than a confrontational one.
• 🚫 Refrain from using 'always' or 'never' as they are rarely accurate and can escalate disagreements.
• 🤝 After connecting emotionally and caring for the conversation's quality, it's an opportunity to introduce new ideas or opinions.
• 🌟 Empathy is not just a buzzword but a game-changer that can connect people despite their differences.

Q & A

What challenges have been highlighted by the pandemic and social movements in recent years?

The pandemic and social movements have led to difficult conversations with friends, family, and co-workers, often resulting in strong disagreements and feelings of anger and disappointment due to differing beliefs.

Why do traditional communication techniques like nodding and mirroring body language not work well in difficult conversations?

These techniques don't help much because they don't address the emotional aspect of the conversation and can come across as inauthentic, failing to truly connect with the other person's emotions and beliefs.

What does neuroscientist Antonio Damasio say about human thinking and feeling?

Antonio Damasio suggests that humans are not purely rational thinking machines, but rather feeling machines that think, often making decisions based on emotions rather than rationality.

How does the speaker reframe difficult conversations as an opportunity?

The speaker reframes difficult conversations as an invitation to go on a road trip, where the goal is to understand the emotional driver behind the other person's opinion and to connect with them on an emotional level.

What is the first step in having better hard conversations according to the speaker?

The first step is to connect with the emotional driver by identifying the emotions behind someone's opinion and showing that you can connect with those emotions, even if you disagree.

What is the second step in improving the quality of hard conversations?

The second step is to care personally for the quality of the trip, which involves speaking the same language and being mindful of the words used to ensure a positive and understanding interaction.

Why is it important to avoid saying 'yes, but' during disagreements?

Saying 'yes, but' can drive a feeling of confrontation rather than collaboration. It's better to use 'yes, and' to show empathy and openness to the other person's perspective.

What is the third step in the speaker's methodology for handling hard conversations?

The third step is to help purposely in choosing the right destination, which means suggesting a different opinion or idea after having connected emotionally and ensured a positive conversational environment.

How can wrapping up your message with your own feelings help in a conversation?

Wrapping up your message with your own feelings can foster empathy from the other side, allowing them to understand your perspective and feel more connected to you.

What is the main takeaway from the speaker's experience as a guest speaker at an event?

The main takeaway is that by practicing empathy and focusing on connecting with people's emotions, it's possible to have meaningful and positive conversations, even when there are disagreements.

How does the speaker encourage the audience to approach disagreements?

The speaker encourages the audience to view disagreements as opportunities to find common ground and to focus on the similarities rather than the differences between people.